Narfell presents a tale of Oscura;
That smelly Bastard.
_Just another ordinairy night in Oscura, just another ordinairy, normal smelling night. No way in the hells did I suspect it would wind up the way it did by dawn. If you've just joined us, you don't yet know about me or any of Oscura's local citizens. Alot of shit happens in Oscura, alot more shit than anywhere else. Some of it's pretty fucking gross, too. And what happened that night was just that.
I'm sitting in the center of the city, relaxing and staring into the soul well, wondering if at any given moment that lunatic elf, Scyth, is gonna pop on out and say 'hello' from whatever pit of the hells he's in, when I feel a hand rest on my shoulder. I glance up, seeing it's Corde, the high Templar. I ask him if everything's alright, he answeres 'yes' and takes a seat beside me, breathing in the well's pain.
The soul well's a pretty funny thing; if you find devils, demons and shit like that humorous. Just the other day this guy faught off an Eryiness, which in lamen's terms means "devil slut who almost cut our fucking guts out," and we barely made it out alive. Anyway, Corde and I are sitting at the soul well, and we get to talking. Eventually we decide we're bored, and consider heading down south to that barbarian dirt-town and explore it's forest. One thing you've got to remember about Norwick's forest, the Rawlins I mean, is that it's infested with pimple popping, revolting little pieces of shit known as Goblins.
Corde and I figured we'd do the barbarians a favor by slaughtering a few if the little bastards and maybe even grabbing some of their stuff; not that any goblin has ever had anything of real value. So we travel south and after an hour or two, finally arrive to you-know-where. Norwick doesn't allow masks so we make like we're avoiding the cold and we both pull our cowls up tight. Not like I'm giving any of these stupid dirt-farmers a chance at my face.
We stride through without a sound, and refasten our masks when we get to the other side of the walls, at the forest's border near some lake and shoddy dock. I take a moment to kneel and pray on a flat spot of the forest's shadowed snow, feeling my lady's power flow within me. When I finally open my eyes from the prayer, Corde asks if I'm ready. I give him an icy smile and we both know it's time.
Time to get some killing done, that is. Keeping the robe over my suit of armor to make sure no one spots it, I follow Corde past the dock into the forest. It doesn't take us long to spot a few of the little green bastards, my sword feels cold and stiff in my hand with the cold and the first thing I do when one runs up to me sneering with that little face of his is warm it up with it's blood. It's barely matured, one of the smaller ones – why it's charging me I have no clue, only one thing's for sure: it's dead now.
I take a small step back, swinging my longsword horizontally across the Goblin's chest to spew cherry pie over the snow behind it. Corde smirks behind his helm at the dead thing. "Nice swing," He says, "Thanks," I reply. We continue walking deeper into the forest, massacring each and every last one we lay our eyes on.
We're only around ten minutes into the slaughter when the ground starts shaking. "Shit..." I whisper under my breath, glancing to Corde who just put one of the little-green-men out cold with his club, he glances back. "Von, behind you!" I turn around, grey pupils widening behind my purple and black mask. An umberhulk's standing their, right behind me, sneering with that big blue jaw of his. It's tentacles slithering from it's mouth, almost dropping some saliva on my mask, until I finally decide it's better to put some distance between me and big-ugly here.
It swings a blow into the ground, I barely manage to jump and slide backward in the snow. "Corde, blind it!" I shout, avoiding another swing of it's massive arms. My partner runs up behind it, moving his hands along the air and uttering something. "Fuck, his spell didn't work," I tell myself. It must of heard him incant, because now it's turning it's all too unwanted attention his way. It's way too strong, the ground shivers and shutters with each hit it misses.
"Von," Corde says, as he moves left and right in his defensive stance to make sure he isn't hit by the damn thing's claws, "We run. Are you ready?" I utter a shield spell for good measure, then glare his way, sheathing my sword and reaching towards my chest into my robe. "On my mark..." The amulet's saved my ass more than once. I clutch it tight and utter the keyword under my breath. "NOW!"
Corde, the hulk and I are surrounded by a magical shadow. Not one of us can see a damn thing, but we're used to it, the hulk isn't. We charge east, leaving the over-sized bug in the dark, our feet stepping heavily through the snow. After a few moments of running, we finally reach the lake and dock; the ones near the forest's entrance. I glance back to make sure the fucker didn't dare follow us, and all I see is trees. I can't help but smirk at the thought of it stumbling around blindly in the dark we left it in.
"That was fairly unsuccesfull." I murmur under my breath, resting an elbow on the cold wood of the dock's fence. Corde presses a hand into one of his wounds, sealing it in a pitch black light before looking my way with a neutral expression. "She did not want us to succeed." He states, calmly. I give him a look, then think about it briefly. "That's possible. Our goal wasn't exactly noble to Her cause. We might of been destined to a better result should we of done something more suiting to Her needs."
He nods, considering, "Perhaps." Making sure we still have all our pieces, we make our way towards Norwick's gates. We're just about safe-and-sound in the city's walls when we both hear a small 'clank' on Corde's armor. We stop dead in our tracks, looking down at the sound. It's a pebble; a rock about the size of a fist. We glance back to the gate, glaring at it, wondering who would dare throw a rock at a dark robed guy who just went for a stroll deep within the spooky forest for a casual stroll and massacre in the middle of the night.
We then glance at eachother. "Whoever messes with Her clergy is clearly misguided." I mention coolly. We both make our way to the gate. My grey eyes look around with a cold stare, Corde's green ones do the same. And then we spot him.
He's standing near the dock, giggling and pointing at Corde. A goblin, snickering hissingly, almost rolling on the ground with laughter. A real fucking psycho goblin. "The hells do you think you are..?" Corde asks, calmly, tilting his head at the goblin. "My powers are faded, She isn't with me right now." I whisper to Corde, my hand inching towards my sword. "Mine either, we'll deal with this one accordingly, though." He replies in a hushed tone, we both nod discretely, eyes locked on the little green freak in front of us.
It gets a certain glint in it's eye, and charges me with a spell. We dig our feet into the ground, snorts as it incants, trying to hit me with a disease spell. No thanks, no dice, I grit my teeth, knowing that kind of magic won't work on me, swinging at the fucker with my sword. I hit him square in the chest -- It's eyes widen, it turns right around and starts running. Good; we got it scared, now we can proceed with killing the damn thing. Always funner when they run.
Corde and I both have none of the powers we usually pray for, granted by our goddess, but we don't hesitate at chasing it. My eyes are narrowed, focused on keeping one foot in front of another, keeping a balance. We must of chased it for a good few minutes, before it finally dissapeared behind a few trees. Catching our breath, evening it out. "We don't press further into the forest. Not without Her powers with us." Corde speaks, and I couldn't agree more. There's no way we're going to chase that little yellow fuck right into whatever trap it's probobly set for us.
We start walking back towards the town, considering the matter dealt with. We arrive at the lake, and guess who we see? Psycho goblin waiting for us at the dock, pointing and laughing some more, smacking it's fist up and down on the wood. My eyes narrow, so do Corde's because he probobly notices the same thing I do: The object the goblin's holding in it's left hand.
"Kill it." He growl under my breath, I'm growing pretty pissed at being laughed at so much, especially by the likes of a goblin. The goblin stops laughing and freezes, it's beedy eyes darting around before finally waving whatever toy it had in it's hand around. A mass of shadows sprout from the ground and conceal it, as well as the entire dock. "What the fuck?" I think to myself.
"No, wait." Corde extends his hand across my chest and stops me from charging it. The darkness evaporates, and the goblin starts laughing hysterically and loudly, barely able to wave it's toy around again. An obscure patch of grease appears on the ground between us and the goblin. "Slowly now, Von..." I nod calmly, we both start walking through the dark patch towards the Goblin, hands near our weapons. I figure we won't kill it just yet, maybe just get close enough to grab it and take it's toy away.
It backs up to the edge of the dock, that stupid little grin on it's face. I couldn't wait to feel my cold steel press into it's brains so I could twist the hilt and give it hell. We're almost there, Corde extends his hand out in friendship, maybe trying to buy us some time, I don't know. It throws itself forward and rolls past us, waving it's toy around and surrounding Corde and I with shadows.
"Real fucking smart, like the dark scares us." I roll my eyes, thinking and sighing mentally. "Corde, let's just kill it." We turn around, squinting through the dark cloud, trying to spot where it went. "No, something is odd about this goblin, Von. It's a trickster... it enjoys other people's humiliation."
"Yeah, so?" I sigh annoyedly. "Watch out, Von. There's a trap ahead of you." Too late, I feel the wire against my leg in the dark, and soon the noxious gas fill my now burning lungs. "Urgh!" Corde curses under his breath, and finally steps out from the darkness. Waving the gas from my face, I move to follow him but I freeze. There's something at my shin.
I lean down to check it out, I feel cold steel press the back of my knee. "No move, dagger sharps." A goblin's voice whispers from the shadows. Just my fucking luck, there's two of them. The darkness clears, and I'm perfectly still, whispering back. "You don't know who your messing with, do you?" It doesn't respond.
I watch Corde across the snowy feild, trying to talk to the giggling psycho. "Look, what's this? A coin behind your ear?" He's trying to amuse it long enough so he can snatch the toy it's got, obviously.
This is the part of the story that I mentioned in the beginning. This is the part that gets "pretty fucking gross." The goblin throws itself on the coin. While it's on the ground, it grits it's teeth, extends it's neck and farts a big fucking cloud of green, covering Corde in one hell of a stink. "Gah!" He exclaims, waving the air from his face. "The HELLS?"
I shift my eyes back to check if the goblin's still there, it's distracted or disinterested, now. I shove my way past and draw my sword, glaring around for the other goblin. "Corde, you alright?" He stumbles towards me, gritting his teeth at the stink. "Fine. Where the hells did he go?" We both look around, I lower my voice to whisper: "There's two of them." He nods discretely, responding. "I know, I spotted the other one earlier."
"Heheheheh!" We hear a familiar hissing giggle from behind a tree, and then another "Pfsftsh!" sound. "Oh fuck no," I think to myself, spotting another big green aura of stink. "Did he just fart!?" I shout out, holding the cloth of my robe to cover the stench. Corde waves his way through, an annoyed twitch in his eye. "Kill it." He finally decides.
I draw steel, looking around. I still don't have the time to focus on praying for powers. There's noise, it's pretty damn bright and worst of all; it smells worse than a corpse. That goblin is running around, farting it's ass off and giggling in the process. Every inch of me wants to get some killing done.
"What the heck is this?" I glance to my right, seeing that barbarian guy, Jarek, and some girl he's with. Corde grabs my shoulder and pulls me behind a tree, lowering his voice. "Cover me while I pray for powers, the barbarian will distract him long enough while I do." I nod, keeping my sword balanced at my side, pressing my back against the tree to eye the goblin, the barbarian and the girl.
That smelly bastard runs around, farting, picking it's nose and tossing its snots around. Don't say I didn't warn you this one was gonna get damn gross. Corde finally steps out from the shadows he prayed in, looking around with stern eyes behind his mask. "Your turn."
I shift my way between the trees towards the dark spot Corde chose, kneel and close my eyes. Murmuring my nightly prayers. Opening my eye to glance west, it's almost dawn. I quickly finish the prayer and murmur my thanks, while I feel the usual wave of power flow through my body.
Corde's back with the barbarian and the girl, dealing with the psycho goblin. The other sneak is probobly still around here somewhere. I utter the usual keyphrases, my longsword swirls with shadows and magical energy. I'm ready for him, that smelly bastard. When I step out from the woods, I spot Corde who's gripping the Goblin's arm and trying to pry it's toy loose. Take away the toy, and the he becomes just another goblin, I think, with a smirk.
I charge in close to help him, ignoring the stench of all the fucking farts it let rip during the course of our tale. Soon after I start helping Corde with a second grip, it starts shuddering and shivering. "Oh no..." It squeels and farts another big wet stinker.
"Gods damn it! Not more bloody farts!" I growl, tightening my grip, the stench scratching at my nose. "Kill it!" I keep my grip on it's hair with one hand, Corde's still trying to pry the toy loose. Reaching for my sword, drawing it from it's sheath, I'm pretty damn relieved it's still got the shadows and fire I charged it with earlier, and I swing for the goblin's neck, hitting it dead on.
Nothing. No damage, no effect. My sword's at it's maximum efficiency and not even a fucking scratch. "Damn it!" Corde growls as well. The barbarian and the girl are stumbling around, avoiding the big green puff of fart that's in the air. "To hells with this, we take our leave now," Corde continues, in a growled whisper, "Let the barbarian deal with him."
"Your sure?" I ask, holding it's hair and pressing my sword into it's neck, whispering across the crying goblin to Corde, who's gripping it's arm. "Would I say it if I wasn't? It's protected by some sort of magic, we can't kill it, not at this moment." He replies quickly. We let the goblin loose, and it scurries over to continue to run around and fart.
Ignoring it entirely, we make our way to the Norwick gate, push it open and walk inside, leaving the smelly piece of shit to it's stench and Jarek. We make haste through Norwick, not giving the chaos we left behind us a second glance. Corde had gotten ahold of the Goblin's warhammer, he and I are going to scry that later on and maybe indulge ourselves in a little revenge, but for now, we had to focus on another problem...
All the way through the nars, all the way into Oscura, the same smell, the same fucking stench followed us. Bandits we're coughing like crazy, birds were flying into trees, some we're fainting mid-air and dropping to the ground with a thud. The wind must of picked up, because the whole damn nars was smelling bad then. Bandits kept asking "what the hells is that smell?"
That disgusting shit-bag of a goblin even had lice, I had to wash my hair eight times after that fucking fiasco. Even the Oscura guards covered their noses, probobly wanting to ask the same thing. "Don't even start." Corde murmurs at the guard. "Not a word about the smell." I mutter annoyedly.
We werent able to get rid of the smell, and had to burn our robes._
