The New Journal of Drelan Ashire
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Drelan and Lermonian had walked for three days. At the end of each Lermonian would throw some rocks into a fire made from his supplies then the fire would be doused and he would use the rising smoke to try to divine where the man was he had brought with him to no avail. They finally gave up deciding that the man was either frozen to death or would be starving soon on the glacier. The ship wasn't much further. All they had to do is reach it, then take Lermonian to his ship and all would be well. Still was much walking to do and provided much time for the red chapped men to talk.
"A sailor now?" Lermonian grinned. "I knew you had problems riding horse, but hated it so much you chose the water instead?"
Drelan just shook his head. "I could tell you the story, but you'd never believe me. Hells know this isn't where I ever foresaw my place being. Take one woman as a charge on a favor for a friend, and later find yourself as leutenant a few years later. If its one thing my exile has done has made sure I don't understand where my arse is in relation to the ground."
"You would not be plagued with such a problem if you merely did as the priest instructed, they maintained for their power to interpret and control fate afterall."
"Aye and no one would have been alive to save your arse." Drelan smirked knowing his friend jested. "..Aye I thought it was all rubbish as well. But the more I live the more I'm beginning to wonder if that pain in the arse was a god in disguise."
"So besides things merely being odd, things are not well?"
"Aye.. About as far.. " Drelan stopped and looked over his shoulder. "Did you hear something?"
Lermonian followed his gaze. "No think the wind is playing upon your paranoi-" Drelans arm shot out and grabbed the mages shoulder and yanked hard causing Lermonian to fall behind him flat into the snow.
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snort
Smell? Where?" It shoved its nose down into the hole sniffing. Fire.. old It moved lithely down into the hole and saw the fire that was now just ashe, not sensing anyone but indeed smelling a new smell. It smelled almost like cow dung, but at the same time was far more repulisve. The memory of being sent to hunt its prey came to mind though it didn't have the words to express it even in thought. Its heart began to beat faster its lungs sucking in the cold air at a faster rate. FIND PREY BLEED. It turned and ran back out of the cave at high speed its white hair bristling in the winds that ran along ths snow line.
It would run for days, in search of any sign of what it hunted. It had feasted on several horses before it had set out, it would not starve for sometime, and it wanted to taste what it hunted. It didnt' know how it would taste, but it just knew it would be the best thing its jaws had ever been around.
Two days later it finally found some foot prints near a rock that had not been covered over by the wind. Drool dripped from its mouth at just the sight. It wanted to create a noise, to let it know so that it would run, the kill being all more sweet. Something in the back of its mind told it that it should, YES A NOISE SCARY! . It threw its disfigured head back and threw its head to the sky trying best it could but all that came out was its normal growls. Its hair rose and it it jumped several times, its anger and anxiousness to much for it to contain. It would never understand why it could not make its noise, nor why its instinct was more correct than it would think, yet at the same time wrong. It finally couldn't contain it anymore the adrenaline was too much, indeed nearly everything seemed to create such a state in the creature and it quickly darted off following the tracks ot where it thought they would go its snout twitching furiously trying to catch any sent at all in the barren landscape.
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Sometimes Paranoia is wrong…
Drelan just knew that the hunter would still be out there in the snow, and would return as it saw the smoke rising and knew its prey still lived. It may have very well been out there, but it didnt' seem to eager in comming if it was. Yes a strategy had been made on a given that was proven false, and it gave Drelan much time to think as the smell of the troll dung and Lermonian's blood wafted up to his nose.
He was sitting in cave, in a frozen landscape, getting ready to fight or hunt down some wretched Creature that could undoubtably rip him to shreds. Why? Well he would get Lermonian to the ship, for he had saved his life once, but why was he even thinking about looking for whatever person Lermonian brought with him? It wasn't his responsibility his family was safe, Lermonian had said so. Had he learned nothing? Drelan had in the end always tried to hold true to his word, help who he could. How many wounds had he recieved for others? How many times had he died for others? Fought for the same people that'd leave him to rot? How many times had he agreed to go in far over his head for those that he just considered not an enemy. And yet he makes one mistake two years ago and even some of those that know him closest suddenly thinks he's untrustworthy and only protecting his self interest if anything appears questionable? Of course what they said was his self interest defeated everything he had been trying so hard for two years to create. He could feel his hand clentch. He couldn't blame them the world was a harsh place and evidence was against him, but why was he always being denied the things everyone else seemed to have? Mainly the benefit of a doubt, the consideration of all of one's actions instead of one? Somehow it had become more important than his self honor.
He had tried being good, he had tried being under a code, each and everytime most of what he cared most about fell down around him to one single mistep that he could never seem to recover from. Sometimes with no mistep at all. How many gods despised him now? What would happen to him when he died? Live in peace, destroyed, tortured as minion?
But he had to admit, his outlook on life wasn't completely correct. When things did fall down there was always still a few that had done nothing to him and had cared for him as he recovered. Of course it was the opposite of who it was supposed to be usually. The darkness. All the things that were supposed to be evil and wrong were those that were still there. Was he fighting fate? Perhaps instead of being the everlasting guardian that sat on the mountain watching the town, he was supposed to be the destroyer. If its one thing he had learned that which was considered good could very well just be a snake in the grass, perhaps all was only a difference in perception and propaganda. He could hear Alia nursing him from one of his past drunken spells, "What do you want? You're always playing in someone else's games by their rules."
He wanted many things, but they could not be accomplished alone. He decided that perhaps it was time to start looking for a new ally. He took the symbol of the Red Knight on a metal medallion out of his pocket and rotated it in his hand, listening to the night outside and letting his thoughts roam.
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Drelan tracked the indented tracks in the snow until he found a cave, more specifically fell into one. He had been trudging along thinking twas just an indentation in the snow, when the ground gave way beneath him and he hit the bottom like a sack of flour. He grunted and winced hearing Deacon's mocking voice in his head, "your dead kid." Indeed he'd have been right again, if something had been waiting for him. Drelan test moving his arms and legs somewhat relieved that nothing felt broken though the throbbing wasn't any more pleasant.
Then he heard it, a cough. He looked about and instinctively used his arm to regain his footing. If being a sailor had done one thing, it'd helped his balance and speed. He peered into the dark raising his green ring to light the way. He followed the winds in the cave until he saw a familiar face laying on the cave floor dried blood all over his robes. Drelan knelt beside the man moving his gauntlet lightly against the young man's face. Nothing. Drelan sighed and looked around reasoning that whatever had done this if it was a creature had long since moved on or been killed, predators do not leave their prey. He built a fire with the last of his firewood and oil and examined the man more closely, peeling back the robes to see what exactly the wounds were that killed the man. The wounded eyes fluttered as the cold air hit his chest.
"now .. you arrive," the man's weight shifted slightly, "not exactly living up to legend."
Drelan shook his head. "I fell from that remember. Hold still, nay the best in the world, these are obviously not fatal, would be dead long ago. I might be able to make them feel better though." He sighed and pulled out his balm then pulled a small stick from the fire and blew it out letting the stick smolder. "So what did this too you? Bite marks? Didn't know any animals lived this far up on the glacier."
"I don't think .. there are." The wounded replied coughing.
Drelan reached over and placed the canteen to the man's lips. "Drink, doesn't feel cold enough to freeze it to you down here."
The man drank gratefully and smiled at the small bit of relief.
"So what was what was so important? Made the letter sound like the lands bloody burned to the ground."
The man closed his eyes. "Almost did, but things improved. Almost grew calm as only two barons remained. The occaisional burp of chaos, but mainly stability."
Drelan paused his eyes narrowing on the man. "Lermonian.. that's good news."
The man smiled, "one would think, but danger gets one to come so much more quickly. Even brought someone to meet you, but he's probably dead now."
"Dead?" Drelan's brow rose. "Thought you said things were well."
".. were until whatever.. beast found us. Was going to let you work your magic on him, find out some things to help matters stay the way they are.. But are camp was ransacked and he went running. The monster attacked me before I could react. Was the strangest thing. Went right by my little prisoner. I finally chased it off, but I didn't fare to well."
Drelan sighed. "The tracks ended here, and this cave doesn't seem to go much farther."
"or perhaps you followed them the wrong way. " The man chuckled until the pain kept him from doing so more.
"Or was a hunter." Drelan rose to his feet suddenly wishing he had brought his plate with him on the voyage. He pulled out his shovel and slowly and carefully begin to slide the small fire letting it pick up strength again if the flames died.
"what are you doing?" The man said squinting at him.
"Using you as bait." Drelan said as he looked up through the cave entrance seeing the smoke from the fire finally rise through it.
"Nice thing to do for one that saved your life."
Drelan smirked. "Let you die old friend? If that's what I wanted would have killed you already."
"But I know how my father trained you."
Drelan just nodded slowly. "As I said.. I'm fallen remember." Drelan looked around wondering what would be better. Hide in the cave or find a spot outside to observe? And then there was the chance, that nothing would come. After all, could have really been an animal, or if it was something more, perhaps twas only the prisoner it was sent to free. He took the cloths he had used to clean the blood from the man and stuffed them in his clothes. He then unpacked his blankets and tossed his fur cloak at the wounded man's feet. "I'm borrowing your robe."
"… I'll freeze."
"I'm not leaving you down here naked. " Drelan put his hand on the man and rocked him forward then pulled the robe up until iit came. "Besides you've pants." He then packed the blankets and cloak around the man and put a small dagger in his hand folding his fingers around it. "Just in case my paranoia is correct."
"I think I know why there aren't many of you left now."
Drelan just smiled giving no reply and walked back to the entrance of the cave hiding behind a one of the small openings that went no where and pulling out a bag with an unpleasant odor and rubbing a brown substance all over his clothes, and as he finished he sat down pushing himself against the wall to be out of sight and waited.
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Just as he thought the cold could not grow anymore so, he stepped upon the deck and found out quite otherwise. The journey had been rough, but he could not sleep anyways. Mind and another thing he didnt' want to admit he had currently were too busy doing other things besides resting. He walked over to the boarding deck, and without turning to the toothless captain spoke,
"Nay leave.. Remember my word, you keep doing your end, you will continue to be contracted. Twould be hard for me to pay you such wages if I was dead aye?"
The captain merely smiled and waved his hands dismissively as he often did, "You hurt my heart. I thought we were friends now?"
Drelan didnt' answer, he knew they were only friends as far as his coin would take him. He merely walked off the boat the winds blowing the snow across the landscape wondering what his future held.
–----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Four days, always walking. Most would have slept, he should have, but something was missing. He did rest several times a day, taking time to biuild a fire with the precious material he had brought and preparing a meal. One of these times he sat on his pack, his gaze finally moving from the fire as he pondered his location. Barren and snow covered, not bad for a town he thought. Use some farming techniques of some certain grey skinned dwarves and one could be free from the world and just live out their days.
But then he caught site of it, out of the corner of his eye a path of tracks. Perhaps this place wasn't as barren as he thought. He gripped his blade instinctively as he rose to see the distance better. What animal or person could live in a place where food of any sort seemed so rare?
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Drelan heaved the pack over his shoulder, as he walked up the boarding plank wrapped in heavy furs. The old friend had beckoned him again? Was the news good? Bad? From the letter it seemed bad, but he didn' t let his mind get the best of him this time. He peaked over his shoulder as he finally reached the ship. He hadn't told anyone when exactly the ship was leaving, yet somehow he had hoped that someone would be standing there anyways.
It was a small ship though familiar, the captain that was missing a few teeth turning to him, "Yet another place on a mule's backside this time?"
"…I already told you where, when I paid you remember. And aye.. back to the mule's backside."
"Paid me hrmm.. I don't remember any coi.. " The captain then waved his hands chuckling, "No need to toss me arse overboard! Just givin ye a bit of sea humor! "
Drelan was staring at the man in his usual, completely stoic... yet something in the eyes look that seemed to make most back off. He wasn't in the mood for jest so much to be fighting for here, and yet an old crime calling to him that refused to be delayed.
"Just nay distrub me unless we're assaulted or we reach the destination aye? I'll be down in the resting quarters."
The captain tried to crack another joke but Drelan was already heading into the ships belly. He missed Gears already.
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Thirteeth Entry
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_"Past and PresentIts been a while since I've seen my love. I wonder how she is now that the phase has changed. Not that she'd let me do anything to help. In any case, the road has proved enteraining. Orcs, ambushing bandits, and of recent a undead. Has been years since I've fought such beasts, the last time my blade finding them in the Norwick Crypts, as I tried to hold back the horde from my brother, that would not run a minion to his past memories, all the while praying some weakness did not cause the cieling to tumble as my last journey into such depths included.
But I digress from what I should be documenting.
I thought my darker urges had passed after I recovered from the illness, but we found an "informant" that tried to sell us information that could potentially save Jiyyd from a necromancer. He bargained 500, and I threatened him with blade, but a Peltarch woman paid him his coin to speak. Of course he did as I predicted, spoke in nebulous statements, then asked for more coin. The crowd finally tired of him and refused, he walked off. I followed and placed an arrow in the back of his knee. One arrow was all it took, my aim has improved much. I placed a sword to his neck and inquiried him how much his life was worth so that I could see if he over or undercharged, considering he placed the life of a jiyyd citizen at about five coin. He merely cursed and I pressed the blade deeper the crowd gathering, yet strangely most not trying to stop me but telling me to do it.
It was outside the gates, Jiyyd law did not hold, he was freely mine. I could have done it, done would the law would not. But in reality it was not death I wanted to bring him but something darker. Nine years since I've even considered performing such act, not since Ocean was captured. I decided not to merely cutting his chest enough for it to sting a while. Did I stop because of the crowd? Because of thought that it was not my right? Some law I had forgotten about? No. Twas cause I thought of Nyda. I knew it when Lilin used it to try to soften my desire to cause the man more harm after she healed him. But as badly as I know she would feel if she knew my thoughts I did want to.
I wanted to break his legs and throw him a few hands in front of some undead and watch him try to crawl away and beg for help as I merely asked him for what price. Too let him see what he was in essence doing in physical terms, to see if it would change him or merely show that he was what I thought him to be. I'd throw him a bit of rope then not grab hold of the other end, asking him for more if he wanted to be pulled. It is all just to make a living afterall isn't it?
Whether I have truly changed, I do not know. Is few that I can speak to about my thoughts, and even fewer that would actually tell me the truth. Perhaps brother was right should disapear to the woods. The cities are not good for me._
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Twenty Ninth Entry
–-----------------------------------------------_It seems it has been several weeks since I've written an entry. Has been quite hard to coincide being awake with not having one of the nurses tending to me. I fear what would happen if they found this journal and read it. Interpreting things from it that were not true. Not that any woman has ever truly understood me, not since Aimee. But perhaps tis only wishful thinking. They have all been well, but there are somethings only of the mind that I do not think even Nyda will be able to help me with. She says to remember my training, yet it is what brought me here.
I am changing. I crave vengence, probably was only months ago but seemed I was ready to deck Rhy and slay the lion or fall dead myself. To see the blood of Sharess's animal once again scattered to the winds as payment for all the pain and dishonor she has caused. All that I had vowed to leave behind to seal, in order for those better to follow came rising up. The senators, the civil war, the politicians, sharess so many heroes called criminals, criminals heroes, those that strove for the laws died for others left dying in corners uncared for. Justice lying somewhere perverted to the side only confused in its practice. The voice are always calling, Bane.. Shar.. Umberlee.. seems one of them is always there to question me.. once all three. I have no answer to their claims, no way to refute what they say. Nyda says it is how they get people to follow them, but I fear it is simply somone of a type finding what they want.
I am not worthy, but I'm beginning not to care. Beginning to think that it is all merely an ideal that something will come to set things right, instead of the world is just built to be insane. Cike doesn't understand, he thinks its the same as the nightmares that plagued him, it may be but I think it different. Too see justice actually served, law actually followed, TRUE law not bribed around or convinced. Deacon would fall faint to know I'm writing this, to risk the reputation of the sails on my own personal vendettas. The priest of shar said that vengence would be had, but yet in the dogma said that I could build nothing. Lermonian used to say the difference between a fire storm, and the one that keeps you warm is that one, has a purpose an end that is not the abyss. It was what always set us apart from the darker orders, they burned to destroy we burned to build.
My body still trembles with the power of the goddess, on one hand powerful, yet weak because I survived it. Is it because I think her weak, or because she seeks to destroy the path I've always protected. I don't know and is where my true illness comes from.
Selune, Nyda has become a better mother than you can imagine. Should see her care for Not and the others. If I do change my path, do not worry I will not let your work, and her mother's work, or one's true wishes blinded by love be drown beneath a man's folly.
Some paths must be traveled alone._
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Twenty Eighth Entry
–---------------------------------_"Ashald The Puzzle
I traveled with Ashald and Nyda through the tunnels that lie under this land in search of metal and adventure. I still have not learned my way about them yet but I'm sure it will come in handy when I do, a captain must be prepared. Captain. Now there's something I'd thought I'd never possess. Of course I jested of owning a ship one day, and the captain accused me of mutiny in his old age, but I'd never actually planned on it. Yet now I basically am. I hear the talk of the goings on of the docks in the senatorial debates and wonder if I should take us in a new direction. No, Deac is still the Sails and I should endeavor to keep it true to his image. He is my leader, mentor, and friend when all else left me to rot I will not destroy his work instead merely grow it into something that will hopefully draw out his arse from Cormyr more often. Tis been hard though, nay many actually shipping things, I will have to start planning voyages on my own coin just to get people used to it again.
But I digress. Ashald, Nyda and I traveleled through this tunnels and an instability occured. Nyda wanted all by the water, and I let her do so as she is normally wise even with the suspicion in the back of my mind that it was not the safest. But as hard as I try, I am still no leader. She tripped and fell in and her plate drew her to the bottom as I knew it would. She almost drowned because I moved so slowly. Ended up using Ashald as an anchor for the rope while I went down after her. Funny, I was ready to die if need be, and was pretty sure I would. I doubted even with his God's strength that he would be strong enough to haul us both up so was going to tie the rope to her pull her up, hoping my plate was enogh to keep me to the bottom as it was passed back down, which it probably never would be. or so I thought. In my experience the Ashalds, are an interesting beast to deal with, and it is no secret he's sought the heart of Nyda, would have been easy to leave a rival to drown. But I suppose now we'll never know. I have the better sword arm, so was going to have Arien carry her out with enough invisibility potions for both if needed. It wasn't, her mother appeared and took her somewhere safe. Must be nice to be able to watch over those you love from the grave. Was always rumored that those in my old order achieved that one day, though of late I've considered it rumor or at least not in the sense of physically appearing.
Aaron has strangely tempered, become more kind. I do not know if it is the senate race or actual truth. He doesn't act like it is his place to rule the world as much, and if it does still exist I'm not so sure he wouldn't try to overpower his family, an arrogance that if exists would be much benefit in trying to keep the senate from doing past crimes. But he is a politician, and it is a world of deception more subtle than any sleight of hand, I thought Roland was good once and I had a rude awakening. I will have to watch him carefully, always keeping in mind that a friendly or good gesture isn't always actually so. Perhaps the Lady has made me too paranoid.
Ah well I've drawn on too long I have a ship to prepare, tis but a pleasure voyage but I've rather grown to like the spray of the water amongst the winds._
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Twenty Seventh Entry
–-------------------------------------------------_I set sail this morn, going north to the glacier. Why I'd have to go to such a desolate place to repay an old favor I do not know, I only hope it is worth the trip and not just some hello for the amount of coin. Bah, fool's probably got that princess of some kingdom kidnapped and is trying to find a way to lose her without dying.
Much going on of late, and isn't the best time for a trip. Nyda is doing better but still has much to cope, and the bard has finally bordered dragging my sister into danger. He hasn't yet, so I can't gut the bastard but nay stops me from decking him hard. Why does life put such great power in the hands of someone who seemingly wants to use it merely for the moment without considering its consequences? Of course, his "master" wasn't wise either merely driven and probably half insane. He isn't really demon,at least not yet, not that the crystals will ever understand that, would take a knowledge of history that this land lacks in most people's mind. All that exists is the next day, even if its the same person holding a dagger to your neck once again. Doesn't excuse his actions though. He still tampers with a power he lacks the insight to evaluate properly despite his arrogance and long words dug out of some tomb.
Lady, please give insight to my sister to save her from harm if it should come to her through not her own doing, until my return. And take pity on her if she should act daftly, the heart is seldom reasonable.
And then there's whatever creature is descending from the sky, held only by a few prayers and what seemed a hurriedly modified spell. I will have to be vigilante and not put this time for self contemplation and strengthening to waste._
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Twenty Sixth Entry
–------------------------------------------"Odd what complete absurdity it takes to make a man know he's a fool. Unfortunately I don't think it set in until my brother sat on me and bopped me on the head. Possessed or not, I don't know, but I'm proud of him. In the past few months I've committed greater crimes than anything that caused my exile, the other night's only being the worst. What I thought would have freed me from causing future harm, only would have caused even more to those I owe so much to. Sharess, our war is through, even if you somehow attack me again, one has to not be guilty in order to have right to vengence. Funny, the more I tried to be a man and only a man and balance it with not the more insane and wicked I became. Now I've hurt the two that I would have died for easily greatly, and even my humiliation of the night didn't help ease it a bit. And I know of no recourse.
No, I will be fallen until my death and perhaps beyond, at least if a land where I can actually exists in this life after. I can think of nothing to do to try to pay for what I've done, fighting lead me here, running would have lead to worse, so I suppose there's only one thing left. I can't say I look forward to it, I will seek the hardest ones first. Only one that knows their place can act correctly.
Selune, I know I've probably delayed your opportunity of hope, I cannot imagine you doing harm, and the events of recent has probably given me more faith in the gods than I've had in some time. If in your wisdom I can help, I hope you call on me. If it is best that I don't, they do not. She needs every chance she can get. I hoped to provide that, and I can only hope you succeed where I failed. The war is with enemies you can actually combat."
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Twenty Fifth Entry
–-------------------------------------------------_Today started interestingly to say the least. I went south to Jiyyd as strangely enough there was no excitement in the city, even the gangs and various cut throat political factions have been quiet lately. Only thing of note is that the coward Roland has returned. Such a dark secret he has, and yet, no one will ever know and he will always be revered sitting atop his high order because he is "pious" and has served well. What is even worse is his lack of remorse. He takes a slanted game as a reason to give in, to not do as one should. Of course he has shown himself to neither be pious at least not to Torm, or a good servant of the city, but I've given up on most hope of ever saving Peltarch from its own diseases. I tried once and was forced to watch the city burn from threat of the stocks while those that could have prevented or mollified it did not because the information it would take to do such wasn't from their chosen. Of course I am guilty as well, if I had taken the more violent approach, I would be hated by history yes, but my duty would have been served and lives saved. I should have listened to Corana. "Let your destruction reign free". Corana used to tell me that one day the Queen would take the city, wash it with her waves. I'm not so sure that wouldn't be a bad thing.
That damned bard was petrified today. I discovered that when Bow asked me on the road to help Mirkali for Lilly's sake. Why either now suddenly are worthy of my help again I do not know. I laughed in the ranger's face, and went to see the spectacle for myself. When I saw him, the anger took me.. the need for vengence.. the need for some fairness. The bastard that has done so many crimes, had been so self serving, was now going to be saved by many. One would think I would be used to such things, I have observed it many a times. But at least for my own crimes I felt I would take punishment, for I cannot cause punishment for anothers merely try to inform and scratch my head as they pass it off. I purchased a warhammer, although felt some guilt at striking him down defenseless, even the bard deserves some look of despair before he's banished to the death that he will crawl back from, as he always inevitably does for revenge. So I gave them two days to free him from his stone form. Of course come to think of it I did it mainly to spite Bow I think. I told Nyda my thoughts later. She says I am good because even with my frustrations that I wish to vent I didn't. The problem was I didn't know if at the end of two days if I would have tried it. To destroy that image of that damned bard at least for a few days, fight all that would gather around him to protect him foolishly to do so, would have been quite pleasing. Everyone has chastised Rando of late especially Nyda, but I hate to say it but he seems correct. Most of the ones loved are nothing more than selfserving powermongering fame grabbing dishonorable.. stops. And there seems no way to reach them through reason, leaving me to wonder if force is the only way, to have a steadfast law that is always followed no matter the repercussions. Of course I disagree with his seeming belief that all is guilty and no information can be disproven, but at least his general direction seems right. I've grown stronger than I have ever been before, I wonder if perhaps I could get Rando to train me. I'm beginning to think as supposedly cursed as he was, Relekev was quite a wise man.
Of course in this convoluted thoughts it leaves me with two thoughts. First if maybe Candy was wrong, and I really am just like her. Second, if one or two good actions from a man suddenly make up for many actions done in dishonor. I know lermonian's answer, but I am not quite sure myself as the world seems to think otherwise._
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the writing on this page is rather short considering his other entries and the writing often almost jumps of the page from a mere cursive style writing seeming written by a very shaky hand
Twenty Fourth Entry
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_"
M u ss' t rember wll. It .."the end of the quill seems to have broken and dots of ink are spread accross the small area of the page where the short writing ended_
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Twenty Third Entry
–-----------------------------------------_"Shards of Shattered Glass
I had a vision the other day as the ale set in. I hope that Candy doesn't find out, has been many years since I was birthed in flame and its not a process I want to revist if her threat wasn't idle. Maybe it was that thought that brought it to mind. I attended the sentencing of a man in Peltarch not to long ago. Despite the demons that appeared in his wake, it made me think, how am I to give my testimony, of all the crimes I have committed? Of all wrongs, and if any rights, to be judged accordingly. Is something I will have to think of. In any case, back to my train of thought.
I've been getting broken images, moments, in dreams, in drunken stupor, sometimes as I just sit focusing on some object absently, sometimes even when I do not wish them. Makes me yearn for Jenna's guidance, for her to explain to me why I'm having them, and to what end, but I've not seen her in some time. We were always told it would happen if the flame was deciding if you were fit or if you were some traitor. Whether it was just a lie to give us strength and hide the truth of not knowing, or truth in itself I don't know.
In my last dream I was back in Lermonian's chambers. I remember them well, the perfectly cut stone in the walls, the torches in the corner that made it seem the darkness in the middle was caged by some unseen barrier, the gentle breeze that was always present in the room no matter what, and its lack of dankness. I never was able to discern why it was not dank like the other rooms, but always seemed to give it a supernatural feel.
It was the day of my entrance, at least I think, my memories have always been scattered since I've arrived at these lands. However, perhaps falsely, I take those that do not contradict each other as fact. We all wore find red and white robes, as we circled in from the sides slowly in a line to the central flame. Upon reaching the center he would give us our first touch of the flame, the first step into following something we hoped would lead us to something more. But what was the most vivid in this dream was the voices. As we would circle wooden paddles would be brought down upon minature stone columns that lined the path on either side. The whole time, Lermonian's voice resonating about the room.
"This is your first step into the divine, an ingrediant in life, and the key destroyer. You will walk the flames, but you will not pull away, for it will be you you will be of it, you will keep no secrets from each other for it would be as if you deluded yourself. With this mark of flame you begin your first lesson, your way to the birthing of what should be. Do not think it will come easily. No my appentices, this instead is the epitomy of a fair bargain. Learn your lessons well, gain the strength that is needed, and the divine service will be yours. Prove yourself unworthy, and the true birth you will never know only consumption."
Is humurous as I write this how similar to the crystals it seems. Perhaps it is why they interest me so, perhaps why I despise them so. Twould make sense for a fallen. Sister said she wants me to return as her brother, why I've not yet discerned. I am not worthy. She showed me this, the world screams it, and she did as any in their right mind would, disowned. Now she calls me back, and even though somewhere in my softness I do fear recurring pain, I fear more that her confusion is guiding her astray again. As much as I despise, indeed hate, she was family, and I will not knowingly taint that.
My search for Sil's army is not faring well. They seem to have disappeared as easily and quickly as they appeared. How to strike or tempt out that which you cannot see? Infact the only sighting of demons or devils of late has been the judge chambers, but there are so many demons and their ilk it seems that it is doubtful that those that appeared are in anyway tied with the other two that seek to destroy our homes.
May the lady provide me insight in my time of need, and the queen the wrath to destroy what I must. I do not know if my ideals are different from hers, or for how long, but perhaps the promise of worthy show will be enough to earn her favor. My options are running thin._
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Twenty Second Entry
–----------------------------------------------_" Hidden Secrets
Today I was told of that which was hidden from me. I now know why she was so much like me. Yet, I was wrong. She is not of the order, merely just another similiar end from similiar actions. Still her tale brought back much memories, though it didn't affect me like the others, especially the hin that could find nothing but tears. At times I wish I could give the strength I am so often criticized for. I was never the most brutish, nor even the most intelligent of the order, but I had a different kind of ability. After hearing her story I wonder if I lacked such a thing, I too would be like her be of two. Hells, perhaps I already am just in a different way. Bloody Corana and her ~conflicted~ statements.
Sis the word is then crossed out Lilly's mood drops around me though I still congratulated her on her wedding. What does she expect? That past actions, decisions made, can just disapear to suit one's mood at a given time? I can be a tool at one time? A brother at whim? Disowned at others? I would think reading enough bardic stories would have her with greater enlightenment than that. Course if I had so many people willing to just damn themselves to make me happy perhaps I'd think the same. Action matters. It brings with it both short term and long term affects, and must be measured accordinly no matter the arena or what's involved. Amy hates me because this is what I do. She says I'm too bound to the mind. But what is worse to travel through life blindly fullfilling ever desire, every lsut, every want on a whim to creat a shoddilly built structure made in haste to fall on me? Perhaps I'm becomming that as well. Poor lass. I need to watch myself, cursed berries.
My strength has returned and I only wait for my implements to be made for the task at hand, my tools to use. Strangely enough Arien seems willing to help me in this task. If her words were sincere would seem the Lady's relative neutrality may allow me swift victory.
Another unlikely ally seems to be opening me the door to strike out at the demons. I'm only beginning to recognize more and more that this war will not be won by normal way of legends past._
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Twenty First Entry
–-------------------------------------------_The wisdom of Purple
Yes, that does sound strangely well. Perhaps that is what I will from now on, name my entries.
I ran into Fadia in the place of darkness today. Quite odd, she is one of trees and flowers and she goes to a place they will not grow, and a home to many faiths she is not on good terms with. Yet she roams openly without care. She brought her humor as she always did. Oreth is lucky, that elf always seems to be able to lighten up the world just a bit. She took me down to the dwarf farmers where I normally buy the milk for breakfast. She hopped up on the fence and pointed to the black hairy short stubby, yak like beast. Her wisdom? After speaking of its physical attributes, its habits, and something about canes I still find highly doubtful, was merely, "become like the Roethe". At fist I thought it utter nonsense, one more of her jests or games. But the more I mulled over it, the more I envied the beast. I wanted what her words spoke of, "it is one with its environment." It is useful, it is respected at least some what if for no other reason than it is greatly needed, and in turn for its services even though all it really does is stand there.. eat the strange dark ferns and relax its backside at opportune times, it is fed, cared for, given a home, and the occaisional pet on the head. Aye the beast is not really a fool at all. Is it not what many strive for? To be useful and thus repaid in kind?
Fadia's invited me to a new group. Said she felt like me once. I saw no harm in it, at least for a visit, my mother was a druid after all even if I inherited none of her abilities to grow a good crop or have any animal besidesa wolf nay try to maul my arm. Course Corana, would think otherwise, but she is nay around to offer me guidance. Fadia told me in a very round about way not to have the appreciation I do for the priest, but she treated me like a Roethe. It is doubtful if you really love the beast, but you recognize its use and treat it as useful, take care of it because of that. I wonder if not trimming my hair for sometime would help me find the secret path to be like the Roethe.
Ah well I ramble again, and despite Nyda's urgings I must really find a new topic. These searchings are addling the brain. Perhaps next time I'll have a grand battle to write of._
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Twentieth Entry
–--------------------------------_This day the Sails waged war upon the gnolls. A small platoon composed in large portion by our crew embarked on a quest to retrieve some crystal that an elf said had come into possession of a demon, called the Crystal of Life or whatnot. We at first attacked the main gate slaying many but eventually their numbers became to great, and we snuck in through the pass to attack the south side only running into yet another trap. Again we killed many, but were unable to move forward though we did succeed not to lose a single member to death, though many had near fatal injuries. Between the gnolls and the beetles that spring forth from them on death its like having to armies in one. Still given our numbers we caused them heavy casualities, but until we can gain and hold ground we will always be at their mercy. The oddity was again the lack of demons. I have ventured around or near the camp several times and no demons have appeared. Quite a change, and if not a trap, to me signals a time to attack and to claim what we need. In any case, much expense and effort was expended for no end result other than dead gnolls. Not even a piece of elven armor was granted to us as we found none. In the end we split up, the captain and some select others trying a path of stealth to find the demon while I lead a group from the depths of the wood to Peltarch. However, it seems that I have not been harsh enough on them. The women refused to follow orders calling me insane and out to only get myself killed. While I suppose I should be grateful for the affection, even though I still thinkit merely a spector given pattern, this kind of undiscipline cannot be tolerated. If the odds were much worse many could die unnecessarilly. Nyda is not in my command, but I will have to think of worthy punishment for Alia, as much as I'd hate to give it near her wedding. Fedar on the other hand besides proving himself quite the flatterer afterwards has followed orders above and beyond what is expected. I will have to write a reccomendation for him.
For any that read this journal after it leaves my hands, make note that often the heroes with great deeds done, are not sung by any self absorbed bard or remembered in any annuals. It is the elements that remain unseen that almost always decide our fate.
Soon my real weapons will be in place, and with a bit of intelligence, we may yet free ourselves from two of the menaces plaguing these lands. My housing fund has diminshed during this war, but until these threats are eliminated a house would be in little safety. Not that I know a location, so many places have such bad memories. Perhaps I will have to contact this Atol to see if he would mind a new neighbor._
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Nineteenth Entry
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Then entry is written very quickly, obviously with great emotion as its not always perfectly coherent and the writing is done in long quick strokes._Damn bards, suddenly very protective of their libraries these days, even if more of the doors inside their college are now open to the public. I've viewed a library at least three times and now I cannot view it without head master approval? Gah, may my time be short here before I strangle them all.
Seems Amy was wrong as well. There was no doing of an enchantment as she said. Strange I almost thought her better, but seems even though she no longer follows that path she is sick with the bardic illness of saying one thing then doing the exact opposite. I suppose at least she looked happy enough, but I thought she thought more highly of me than to speak falsities.
Then there was the dwarf. I try to inform a crowd about the potential crystal threat, and he calls me an ass and retreats behind a wall? I go to get him to retract his statement then suddenly he has people falling all over to defend him though they did not start the fight and it was the dwarf that openly started it, and the dwarf was the most disrespectful foot stool I've ever met. Even the Slaughtered Druegar seemed to agree. Why is it the idiots, the selfish, the cheats, the disrespectful ALL HAVE armies of strangers willing to fall over dead for them, while good men and women are left to die in cold corners? I saw some at the temple of tyr today and besides those of their faith that roamed the halls, ignored. WHY? I keep praying to any god that'll hear me and yet there is no answer. Not one! Is every edict they send their blasted clerics about to convert us over to nothing but complete farce? Perhaps Corana was right, destruction unheld by any restrictions is needed at times. Restrictions was all that saved that dwarf, I did not want to harm the other fools, but if I did perhaps the land would slowly begin to see its utter insanity.
I never thought I'd be so glad to return to the darkness, if not for seeing Meeghan again I think I would just dig myself a hole and stay there. Why couldn't I be a hin? They seem to be the only sane people in these lands.
Loving families, protecting their own, their homes, seldom a rude word, overall quite a hospitable group, they practically worship peaceful activities of cooking and farming and have the closest thing to true friendship when offered than anything I've ever seen. Almost makes me want to saw of my legs and try to convince them I'm nay a tallie._
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Eighteenth Entry
–------------------------------------------------_I saw Fad today. She seemed to miss me, and despite my new bearing and my judgement I saw her and talked. She said that whoever disowned me was fools, we talked of the lands, its craziness, the wedding I never knew of, and she said she missed me. Well a me I do not remember, something about being open and warm. Never my described attributes, even by those that once said they loved me. Odd.
Today I plan a trip to Peltarch for personal reasons, the baths. The ones in the Valley are more secluded, but I fear I may start a war with that blasted Mallis if I see him again as he tries to prevent my entry, and my muscles are too tired to move. Hopefully the baths will help. Will be odd to see more than the docks on my business, many old memories lurk about the cobble there.
The nightmares have returned, though the sickness not with them, thank the gods. Its the one thing I never told Nyda of my symptoms. Is nothing she could do about them anyways.
I should visit the bardic library while I'm there. I do not look forward to the probable meetings, but perhaps on its shelves I can find what I seek. A path to victory.
May I not repeat the steps of dishonorable Relekev._
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_It seems weeks since I've been able to write. I don't think there's a place on my body that hasn't been stabbed, burnt, cracked, or otherwise. At least the gods show some pity through their minions. I found Cike, though he is worse than when he left. He, seems so familiar to something I experienced in the past but its probably rubbish. Merely tricks of the mind trying to find something like itself. I spoke to Candy of it, she of coursed told me that the wiggler I had found was in dire need of training. Gods I need to shove my nose down into a tomb and nay remove it until I have some sense. If I have to beg to Mirk one more time. The bard still makes my blood boil. I hope sister is alright and all maintaining their oaths.
Seems if rumor is true Alia will be married soon. Strange, alway speaking of needing time and to go slow, and here she is running off after someone she's nay known well but for a few weeks really. I suppose that is what the bards sing about so often. Perhaps, all they sing about are not lies.
I spoke to Nate today, will probably bring me death, but I had to correct him. I WILL not allow the crystals to spread any more lies. He said the crystals are prejudged, when in reality it is their own actions that bring them their judgement. They lied, they used force, and yet they act like they are not foes. At least Nate admitted, but only after telling him that I had seen many acts with my own eyes. All he could ramble on about was the grand scheme of things. It makes me wonder if he has seen what I have seen? However, if his dislike of Jarek's ways were true, it makes me wonder if the crystals are as cohesive as I thought. Was one of the first classes at the academy, always the problem with telling the enemy what you know. You never know if they speak truth or merely what you want to hear to bend you to their ways. Most battles are lost far before the sword is drawn. Still the risk is to great, there has to be another way. I only fear that all that now think they are on the right side, have been duped and will only realize the error of their ways when it is too late.
Amy's glare reminded me of my failures, I want to do nothing but lurk in this dark chamber with but a few visitors and rest, but this is my home. My blood will protect it, even if all that reside in are nothing but confused, delusioned, or manipulative beings, the land deserves it.
Ah, my nurse returns. I do not know if I'll ever grow used to this magic so freely about, seems useful enough, and I do envy the way she makes that water glass float around, but surely there must be some actions still fit for the physical muscle and bone._