3. Marie's Diary - Notes of a travelling hin

Marie's Diary - Notes of a travelling hin


  • The Thirtieth of Marpenoth, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    After a tenday or more of trying to find the time, and locate her, I've finally caught up with Alestra.

    Apparently there was a massive series of attacks on the southern wall at Norwick. Four nights in succession there were foul beasts and their masters trying to gain entry, and for four nights they were beaten back.

    I was lucky (or is that unlucky) enough to get there as the fighting finished and the corpses had been taken away to be burnt on pyres. And there was Alestra, standing alone in the middle of the ruins of the southern gate, guarding the town.

    By herself, after four days of guarding and four nights of fighting.

    She was exhausted. I offered to take her place, but she refused, stating that it was her duty, that she had to do this regardless of how tired she was. So instead I stayed with her to talk.

    We spoke of the Rift River Chasm incident… what had led to her harsh words, why I reacted the way I did, and what happened after that. I also told her of my father, and my mother.

    That was hard. Opening up to someone who had hurt me like she did, sharing intimate details of my past. Telling her of that hurt, the pain I feel whenever I think of home.

    I also told her my story. How I came to be in Narfell, what happened in the first few years of me being here, and how I met Alexi. I think she needed to hear the truth, and to know why it is that he and I are so close. She doesn't understand as far as I can tell, but she accepts that it is, and that's a good start.

    She doesn't know how I long for him, but that's something that I keep between me, Alexi, and my diary. No-one else knows, and no-one else will ever know.

    But... even with everything I shared with her, it didn't seem to affect her very much, if at all. It's like she took it in, processed it, and stored it for access later if needed.

    She also confided in me that she did things that are against the teachings of her god, Torm. She called Lia's soul to this plane and allowed it to speak through her, she interceded for Lia with Correlon Larethian...

    She fears that she will lose her paladinhood for these actions. And she says that she took them because she loves Alexi and me, more than she has ever cared for anyone else before.

    But... we never asked her to do these things. I know I didn't, and Alexi says that he didn't either. I know that Alexi was beginning to move on from the pain of losing Lia in such a way, and I know that I had. Whilst her death was still senseless, and tragic, her soul was gone and could not return. We mourned her, and then we move on with our lives, and never forget her.

    Instead she's been returned to us, without her memories, by one who by her own admission should not have done it. If she feels that way, then perhaps she shouldn't have done it...

    But I'm not sad that Lia is back. I'm still struggling a bit with it, but I'm glad for what it means for Alexi, and for what it means for Lia. I wanted her to be able to have a fresh start, and now she truly has one. She can be anything she wants to be, with no ties to the past.

    Now I can help her, like I wanted to months ago and never got the chance.


  • The Eleventh of Marpenoth, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Sunny

    I looked back over my last diary entry… I can't remember writing it, but it sheds a little more light on what happened for me.

    I remember seeing Lia at the Mermaid (which is where I am now). I remember having a meal with her. But what I don't remember is what happened after that.

    I must have run to the secret grotto, because that was where Alexi found me. It was also where I wrote that I was, for my last entry. I think I must have snapped, lost my mind for a time, or something similar.

    Alexi has told me that when he found me, I was running around naked, splashing in the water and acting as if I was a penguin. He tried to speak to me, but I ignored him... and when he approached me, I ran off, squaking.

    Apparently he managed to calm me enough so that he could approach me, and used his dust on me to bring me back to my senses. Turns out that I buried my clothes in the sand before I started swimming... so I dug them out, shook as much sand out of them as I could, and got dressed, very very embarrassed.

    We talked for a time... he told me that Lia was back, that he was there when she returned to the living at the Temple of the Triad. He's not 100% sure that what has come back is Lia, but for now he's going to watch and wait. I'm not convinced that she's not a doppleganger, or a demon that's come back in Lia's form to do some kind of horrible evil, but I trust Alexi, and if he tells me that she is most likely who she says she is, then I'll wait until something proves otherwise before acting.

    We went back to town after that, apparently Alestra was the one who initially thought something might have been wrong with me. She told Alexi and Linn that I was missing, and then Alexi made her stay behind whilst he looked for me.

    I'm glad he did, I think that things would have only gotten worse had she found me before he did. But, that's caused more problems now. Alestra was horribly upset when we came back, so much so that she swore at Alexi, told him that she was through being a doormat for other people, she was sick of people using her and abusing her...

    I don't know where she got that idea from. She says that I go off at her when she tries to do something for Alexi, and that Alexi goes off at her when she tries to do something for me... I honestly have no experience as to what in the hell she's talking about. But I guess when you're feeling emotionally drained, you say and do some weird things.

    I sat with Juli in the inn, chatting a little and sharing a drink whilst Alexi and Alestra tried to sort through things. The two of them went upstairs for a time to chat, and then she stormed out of the inn, Alexi following her with a very upset look on his face.

    We waited for maybe ten or fifteen minutes, and they didn't return.

    So, feeling drained from everything that happened, I went upstairs to have a bath and get my clothes washed, then have a nap. I was covered head to toe in sand, my clothes were full of sand, I think I even swallowed some sand.

    I've done all that now, and I'm waiting for Alexi to come back, so I can give him a hug and a rubdown, and see how things went with Alestra. I'm worried about him. He cares so much, putting himself in the way of all their hurts, taking it on himself to try and help them become better people, to learn from their mistakes... and so often it gets thrown back in his face.

    He told me that what Alestra said, out on the edge of the Rift River Chasm, was her way of trying to cheer me up. I don't know why she thought that it would cheer me up, but if that's the case, then maybe she really just needs to learn how people work. If she actually does care about me, maybe Alexi is right and she needs our help.

    In any case, I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with Lia being back. It's not something I was prepared for, nor is it anything that could normally happen within the bounds of the laws of the universe. Seems like the gods have interferred again for her... I just wish I knew why it is that they are so willing to do so much for one such as her.

    Sometimes I think I'd rather be back on the farm with my family, even with all the heartache and hard labour that that entails. At least life was simpler then, and I didn't have to worry about such confusing and difficult situations.

    But then I wouldn't have met Alexi.


  • ((This entry has been scribbled a lot more hastily and wrecklessly than the others preceeding it))

    The Ninth of Marpenoth, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: A secret grotto (Not telling)
    Weather: Warm and dry

    Well, after my last entry, guess what happens?

    Lia's back.

    I don't know how, or why, but I'm not sure I can deal with it. After everything I went through when I lost her, after all the pain and sorrow and heartache… not to mention what it did to Alexi...

    She said that she woke up in the Temple of the Triad, and that she doesn't remember anything before that except for her name. Alexi was there, and he told her some things, filled her in apparently. But he hasn't told her everything, left things out. Hurtful things. Shameful things.

    When I saw her, I almost ran out the door of the inn. There's a part of me that doesn't believe that it's really her. She's dead... I know it for truth. She was buried, her soul would not return. She committed suicide, for goodness sake, on an altar to her god. I'm not sure how much more dead you can get.

    But... there she was, standing in front of me, looking scared. So instead I took her over to the bar and ordered her a meal, and we sat and talked.

    Maybe I'm going crazy. Having a meal with a dead person.

    In the end, she went back upstairs to rest, and I came here. I need to think, and writing helps me do that, helps me steady my thoughts and my hands.

    I'm just not sure how much more of this I can handle. I thought I was getting better, I had my plans all sorted out, my ideas and my way forward organised... and now I sit and eat pancakes with a dead woman.

    She wasn't very hungry, which isn't surprising really. Never seen undead need to eat anything... well, they do want brains, but I think that's just an animal instinct kind of situation.

    Maybe she's a doppleganger, sent by someone to try and drive me insane? I wonder who it could be. Maybe Dietrick did it, to get back at me for trying to teach him to be more wise... heh, he learnt something then I guess, not that this was what I wanted to teach him.

    Well, next time I see that doppleganger, I know just what to do.

    Punch punch, bye bye doppleganger!


  • The Seventh of Marpenoth, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Norwick
    Weather: Cold and windy

    Things just seem to be going from bad to worse. Death surrounds me, and anger, and violence.

    I travelled north to Peltarch from the Grapevine, and stopped in the commons to catch up with some friends. Linn was there, and we started chatting about this and that. It was nice to see her again. After maybe half an hour of that, there was a flash of light and a loud boom, then a female mage appeared in the middle of the commons. Some people were on the ground, others were stunned, or deafened, or a combination of the three. I myself was stunned and deafened for a time… which did not impress me in the least.

    The mage then giggled, and strolled over to flirt with someone she knew, as if nothing had happened! Seems that she's known for doing this sort of thing, and yet the town officials who were there, and were affected by it, did nothing other than warn her that she couldn't keep appearing like that. The mage then pranced around, laughing about how she couldn't go to jail, and that there was nothing they could do about it.

    I don't know what made me angrier, that she did such a reckless and stupid thing, or that the guards ignored the rules they have sworn to uphold simply because she is a mage. If Ludo had done such a thing, they would have thrown him in jail without a doubt. But for some reason, this Leanna character is above the law.

    I went into the Mermaid after that, thoroughly disinterested in watching her continued display of defiance. Alestra followed me in, and tried to cheer me up. After a while, Alexi showed up as well, and he did his best. Anyway, soon thereafter, we headed out to get him some deadwood for his crafting.

    I gave Alexi something I'd put together for him: a picnic basket with food and drink that he enjoys, a blanket, cups, and cutlery. He initially seemed surprised and disinterested, said that we could go out on a picnic if I wanted to...

    it was a surprise for him, a gift. I thought he'd be happy to receive it, and that he would see the thought and effort that went into it. I scoured the realm for the goods in that basket. I fought the kuo-tua for the nuts. I defeated the kobolds for the wine. I travelled to the Valley and hunted down fresh Fenberries. I returned home and baked fresh apple pastries. I even got some fresh springwater for him. It took me days to organise it all.

    Instead, he deferred to me, to ask if I wanted to do something with it. Maybe I really have bollocksed things up for good. Anyway, he put the picnic basket away in his storage chest for the time being, and we continued west to the orc plains.

    The orcs fell to my fists as they always do. Alexi took too many hits, as he always does, and Alestra seemed determined to punish each orc she hit for something that was on her mind.

    We continued north until the plains were silent, then she revealed to us that she has buried Lia's body on the northern most cliff overlooking the Icelace Lake. Right near that lovely cave, and in the midst of all those orcs.

    She went on and on about Lia, about how she was at peace now, and how she wanted to put her body somewhere that she could feel close to home. All I could think was that it was a gross desecration. She's dead and gone, she fell from her gods graces and killed herself. Then, someone she's never met takes her body and buries it without the blessing of a priest of her god, in an area infested by a race that hates her own race with a fury that defies description, and somewhere that the dead have been known to be raised from the earth, both by the orcs and by other malign spirits.

    She kept going and going, eventually I couldn't bear it, especially to see how it was affecting Alexi and the way it all felt so very wrong. So, I left. Walked back to town, and left the two of them.

    She's gone, she won't be coming back. Why can't Alestra just let her spirit rest, and the memories to fade back from the pain they still evoke?

    After maybe another hour, Alexi and Alestra came back to the city and found me. Alexi asked me to go with him, so I nodded and fell in behind him. Alestra travelled with us.

    We travelled south and then east, to the Rift River. There's an old hollowed out tree there, nothing more than part of a stump still standing, but it's massive. Big enough for five or six men to stand in.

    We took shelter there, and sat down to talk. I told them about my feelings, about how it feels like I eventually fail at everything I do. Initially Alestra was supportive, but when she felt like she couldn't get her point across, she stormed off for a bit.

    Alexi and I kept talking, and I started to feel a bit better, then she came back and started verbally abusing me, telling me that I needed to deal with it and move on, that life is hard and I need to toughen up.

    All I could see when she spoke like that was my father, standing in her place.

    It felt like I'd been slapped across the face with the back of his hand. Here was someone who called me friend, who I had done my best to protect, to help, to look after, to guide and share my life with, treating me like an impudent child.

    I took my leave there and then, and headed across the Rift River, to the old war plains. It was either that, or unleash my emotions on her, which would have helped no-one and solved nothing.

    They didn't follow me. I think that Alexi knew why I was upset, and kept her away, for her own safety, and my own mental well being.

    I stayed over there for several days, away from all intelligent contact. The bugs learnt very quickly to steer clear of me, and the corpse thieves who roam the area were very wary of my presence. I took shelter in one of the now abandoned tents of the doomed soldiers. The whole place feels like the land of the dead to me... is it wrong that I found this comforting? No-one there to hurt me, no-one there to point out my flaws. In death, all are equal.

    My thoughts roamed backwards and forwards like a restless spirit, going this way and that. Friends I've lost, allies that have fallen and I never even knew their names. Bad choices that I've made that have led to pain, loss, and suffering for myself and others.

    At the end of my stay there, I felt a bit better. Certainly not cheery and thankful, but I think there was a determination there, to see things through for better or worse.

    Before I left Alexi and Alestra to cross the river, Alexi told me something important. When we fall, we get up and try again, not out of pride, or self respect, or even because of duty, but because otherwise we can never correct the mistakes we make. And there's some truth to that.

    I came back across the Rift River and headed north, hoping to dust myself off and try again, as it were. I found Marty in the commons, trying to organise a party to head west to the ogres. I agreed to go with her, knowing that if nothing else I could carry whatever it was she finds of value.

    Several others came along too. Tom, Nure, Chasen, Caric, and Mialee. She discussed what roles we would all be taking in our trip, and we set out.

    As soon as we hit the orc plains, I knew something was going to go wrong. Where normally the groups that I go with would avoid the orcs as much as possible, instead this group seemed determined to start their killing spree with the orcs.

    I instead snuck ahead to wait for them. After a time, I guess they tired of that sport and joined me, and we headed further west again.

    Now, I have never been with a group that when heading into the ogres will stop to fight the giants and manticores first.... until now. Caric seemed determined to kill everything that stood against him, regardless of how much pain it would inflict on him and everyone else. I nearly died defending Nure when a giant that he attacked ignored him and ran for her.

    At that point, she decided to head back. We spoke briefly about what was happening, and she slipped me a few potions, just in case the worst was to happen. By this point, I had already expended all of my own natural healing, and was down to potions.

    We continued on, eventually making it into the ogre cave. Again, I have never been with a group that attacked the ogres that guard the bridge first. Until now.

    A badly bruised and battered party made it's way across the bridge eventually, stopping to recover with some more healing potions before continuing. Marty marked some traps for us so we'd avoid them, and we engaged the first enemy. And when I say we, I mean Caric.

    I had scouted ahead a little, to warn the others of what was ahead, when I find him already attacking an ogre berserker alone. On either side of him was a fire trap, ready to go off with the slightest movement in the area.

    Not wanting to see him fall, I ran in and helped him as best I could do dispatch it. Again, more healing needed, more potions drunk.

    Finally we got to the bend in the cave, where the raised stone platform is. Caric rushes in again before we can organise a plan. Around the corner from where he stands, fighting two ogres at once, is a horde of ogres including a berserker and a shaman, as well as several axe throwers and warriors.

    Utter confusion reigned, as the sounds of battle rang out in the cave. Several of us nearly died, and Mialee fell. Whether it was to a fire trap, or an ogre, I never saw... I was too busy trying to save my own life.

    Where she fell was right on top of the trap though, and no-one else was willing to go in there to grab her things. So I volunteered, stepped in, and dodged the flames as they spewed forth, gathering what goods she had on her at the moment of her demise, and we started to make our way home.

    Unfortunately, that's not the end of the saga.

    Several of the ogre warriors were badly hurt and had retreated down the cave, towards the exit that we were headed to. Someone in our party fired upon them, and they ran at us, fury in their eyes. They knew they would either be victorious, or die trying.

    I tried to intercept them, to give the others what time they could to sort out their attack plans. But as blow after blow fell upon me, I knew that I could not stand any more, or I would fall myself. I took a few faltering steps, and I knew I would not make it... but then Tom stepped towards me and cast a spell, giving me the speed I needed to get away.

    I ran out of combat and started chugging healing potions, in the hope of being able to get back in there to help the others.

    But... I was too late. By the time I was back in one piece and I had started to move back in, the ogres were down, and so was Marty.

    The others didn't even seem to notice that she had fallen. They were on their way out of the cave, as quickly as they could move. So I dragged my beaten and bruised body over to her lifeless corpse, picked it up, and gathered up her things.

    I trudged my way back to the exit of the cave, and there Tom made me invisible, allowing me to pass unnoticed through the giants and manticores, past the orcs, and into town. I then made my way to the temple, and raised Marty, gave her her things, and headed south, thoroughly disgusted with the whole venture.

    Two people fell on the one trip. Two. One was a dear friend, and the other was a mage who was there to support her boyfriend. I wasn't fast enough or strong enough to save either of them... hells, I nearly died three times myself.

    I guess I'm just not strong enough. But, what is strong enough? Will I ever reach that point? Or am I just screaming into the wind, wasting my time with endless chatter? Whether or not it's possible though, I have to try.

    I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't.


  • The Twentieth of Eleint, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Norwick
    Weather: Raining

    Well, I told Alexi about what happened, between Linn and me. That was hard to do, I felt like curling into a small ball and hiding, but I know he deserved the truth.

    The worst thing was the way he smiled at me afterwards, and told me that he had expected something like this. He had expected me to fail at keeping my word… and I know it's made him sad, and probably hurt too.

    When Linn told me that she couldn't play anymore because she was in love, I realised that I'd made an awful mistake, but by then it was too late. I hadn't thought about it until then... that what I did would affect Alexi, even though we aren't together.

    He told me to not worry about it, that things were still okay between us, but I feel horrible, to think that I could do something like this to him. And to have done it in such a way, when he was away mourning.

    I'm such a fool. No wonder things haven't gone any further between us. Every time I do or say something foolish, he gently chides me and tells me that he knows better because of how old he is, and all the hurt he's suffered.

    He must feel like he's dealing with an irresponsible child most of the time.

    I want to find a way to make it up to him, but I'm not sure what I can do. It feels like I've ruined everything, with one simple choice. Maybe with time we can move on from this, because I know I don't want to let him go.

    Why does my heart cause me so much grief?


  • The Eleventh of Eleint, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Norwick
    Weather: Raining

    The last week has been interesting, mostly bad, but some good I guess.

    I finally caught up with Alexi again. He's still struggling to deal with what happened with Lia, can't say I blame him. Feels like he's withdrawn from me, and from the rest of the world. I haven't told him yet about what happened between me and Linn, we didn't have any privacy at all so that I could share with him.

    Eventually, he headed out of town alone again. I miss him so… but I'm more worried about him than I was before I saw him again. Hope he doesn't do anything too rash. He told me that it's because of how old he is, he finds hurts like this harder to deal with because he's been through so many hurts before.

    A few days after that, I was in the commons when I met a mage called Nym... they wanted to head to Norwick to look at the crypts. I agreed to take them, and we were joined by a dwarven monk called Dilinus.

    Yeah, let me just say that going on that trip was possibly one of my worst ideas.

    We went in there, feeling fairly bold and powered up with magics... and they ripped me apart. I tried to get out of the room, but there was a boulder blocking a lot of the doorway, and for some reason I couldn't get past it.

    As they ripped into my flesh with their claws, I felt my life run from me, and I blacked out. After maybe a minute or so, I woke up to find Dilinus fighting them from behind the boulder, trying to draw them away from me.

    I quickly sculled a potion of invisibility, and backed off to heal myself with other potions, drinking at least eight of the moderate healing potions before trying to get through to the others.

    Thankfully, the others weren't in anywhere as near a bad shape as I was, and they were able to fight off the undead near them so we could all get out.

    That's three times now I've almost died, and been saved by an ally. I don't want to get into a habit of this, I feel so stupid for getting myself into such a situation, and this it the third time now that I've done it.

    If this keeps happening, I'm going to pass over one day.


  • The Thirtieth of Eleasis, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    I guess it was only a matter of time.

    Linn told me today that she couldn't play with me like she has been anymore… that she had found someone that she was falling in love with. A female human, who follows a similar goddess to her. They share a lot of the same philosophies, and ideals.

    I'm happy for her, and I'm really glad that she was honest and upfront about it... but I can't help feeling sad and a little upset. I've become really, really fond of Linn, so much so that I wouldn't have minded making things a little more official than they were.

    But eh, I knew the score when I started with her, so I shouldn't be too surprised. I'll certainly have some happy memories to hold on to, and I know that she cares for me, otherwise she probably would have strung me along.

    But, as I've said before, no-one knows the future. So, whilst I hope and pray that things work out for Linn and her new partner, if they don't, then I'll be there to comfort her and help her deal with her broken heart.

    I know it made her feel really bad to have to tell me. She could tell that I was upset, and I wish that I wasn't... I wish that it didn't make things hard for her. She's such a beautiful person, in her heart and soul, let alone her body which is just gorgeous.

    I still want to be friends with her, stay as close as I can. She's very dear to me, and I don't want to lose her from my life.

    Oh, I'm writing down my thoughts and rambling.. heh, I guess that's what she does to me. I should get some sleep, let my mind rest.

    I wonder who I'll dream of tonight.


  • The Fourteenth of Eleasis, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Norwick
    Weather: Raining

    Caught up with some of the Sisters today, it was good to see them all again. We get together so rarely these days, I so miss them so.

    I was down by the lake in the Rawlins meditating, trying to focus on the spirit of the water, when a large group came out of the deeper woods. Most of them were Sisters, but Telli, Linn and Ronan were with them as well.

    And we recruited another new Sister today. Her name is Kitty, and she's a specialist healer. She's not much chop in combat, but if you need someone to heal, or banish undead, she's your hin.

    Linn keeps teasing me, playing around whenever I see her. It's a lot of fun, and we're both enjoying the affection and intimacy. I can't help but wonder how long this will go for, and if it will lead to anything else.

    After the others left, we went up to my room at the Grapevine… and she gave me a night that I don't think I'll ever forget. She was so gentle, and caring... and yet so passionate. I feel this bond between us, like several strands of silk, starting to bind to one another, creating a stronger link with each passing day.

    I've started dreaming of her, in the same way that I dream of Alexi. It's very interesting, and certainly gives me ideas about what to try and how to respond... but I wish I knew where it all came from.

    Alexi says that it's inbuilt within all women, but I'm not so sure about that. If it was, then people wouldn't need to seek out priestesses of love to learn how to please their partners.

    Wherever it comes from, I want to learn how to control it.


  • The Twentythird of Flamerule, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Norwick
    Weather: Raining

    Well, today was an interesting day, that's for sure.

    I always thought that I would be waiting for marriage, for the one right man to share my body with, to have that special intimacy that I've been longing for so much.

    And then, I followed my heart instead, and shared myself with Linn.

    I'd never even considered what it would be like to be with a woman, let alone think about pursuing such a course of action. Heh, course of action is such a misnomer, I should instead say something like beautiful joining.

    We were in the Dancing Mermaid in Peltarch with some others, both friends and acquaintances. The morning was started with pancakes… I had mine with bacon, maple syrup, and icecream. Linn liked the look of it so much she ordered a plate identical to mine.

    Then, she stole one of my rashers of bacon! Naughty Linn!

    Anyway, after the others had gone, we played around and goofed off a lot. It was wonderful to be able to relax like that with someone other than Alexi. I love him so, but I want to be able to be open with more people. After a while, Linn and I ended up relaxing down near the fire at the far end of the inn, away from everyone.

    I'm still not sure how it happened, but I felt so happy and relaxed with her on the lounge... we were talking and I started teasing her. She's always teased me, trying to get a reaction out of me, so I figured that turnabout was fair play. But, it was causing her to react... her body warmed up, I could feel her getting excited... and that in turn caused me to do the same.

    She told me that she couldn't fall in love with me, because I was a hin and she was an elf, but I know that neither of us cared. That day was a very special one, and I'll always remember it. The first time that anyone had ever touched me like that, made me feel like that... well, outside of my dreams anyway.

    I let my heart lead me, and told my brain to sit in the back and be quiet. And it was glorious. I've never felt so alive, so very aware of every single part of my body, every inch of skin and bone and muscle.

    I think I understand why people follow Sharess now, and why some folks seem to go from partner to partner.

    But for me, I know it was more than just the physical side of things. There was an emotional connection as well. Whilst she may not love me like a husband or wife, I know she loves me as a woman, and as a sexual partner.

    I'm not sure where this will end up. She's made it very clear that what happens between us is only casual, that it's supposed to be fun and enjoyable, but it isn't a sign of anything else. You know what though? I don't think I mind at all. If Alexi has taught me anything, it's to be happy with whatever you can have, even if it is only a small thing.

    From small things big things grow, after all.


  • The Ninth of Flamerule, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Well, nothing much has changed.

    Lia is still gone, Alestra is still trying to cheer me up, and all I can do is try to put her from my mind, and move on.

    How many friends will I lose in this way before I go insane?

    It's really affecting Alexi. Once he found out what had happened, he went quiet, and turned inwards. He told me later that this is the second lady who confessed her love for him, and when he would not return that love, killed themselves.

    When I heard that, it was all I could do to not wrap him up in my arms and hold him. The poor man… to think that people would go to such ends for love, regardless of how much it hurts those left behind.

    There's a lot of questions I'd like to ask Lia, if such a thing was possible. Why she did it, for one... what she thought it would accomplish, and if she realised just what it would mean, both for her, and for those left behind.

    Sometimes, when I'm alone in my room, staring at the wall, I wonder to myself if I would ever do such a thing. To be so caught up in my own pain as to not realise what suffering I would inflict on myself and others with such a selfish action, to try and ease the pain of living by killing myself, whether it be over love scorned, or the loss of a god's favour.

    I've never been in that situation, so I don't think I can honestly answer that question. I feel pain, and loss, I feel loves sting keenly, even though I cannot act on it... and yet, there is a sense of hope for the future, a hope that tomorrow will be better than today, that there is something worth holding on to.

    I need to share that hope with others.


  • The Fifth of Kythorn, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Windy

    I haven't felt like this since Anju died.

    Lia committed suicide yesterday.

    I was sitting in the Dancing Mermaid doing some paperwork over a cup of coffee and a pastry, when she came in. She told me that she was going away, and that she wouldn't be coming back. She gave me a donation for the Sisterhood, her sword, shield and armor, and her Sisterhood Dress.

    I knew something was wrong, but how wrong, I couldn't tell.

    I gave her a hug, told her she would always have a home here. She shed a tear, and left.

    That was the last time I saw her alive.

    This morning, Alestra told me that she had found Lia's body. She had apparently made herself a makeshift altar to Corellon, and killed herself on it. She made sure that Lia was buried, and her rites said.

    Her soul was not willing to return. Alestra told me that Lia had fallen from her god's graces, and that was why she did it.

    I don't know why she did it, I don't care either. All I know is that someone that I loved is gone, and I wasn't able to save her from this fate.

    After I recovered a bit from the shock of it, I was sitting in the commons with Alestra, trying to understand what happened, why it happened… Sister Adelie came into the commons and we told her about what happened. She was shocked to hear it, and then told me that if she has fallen from her god's graces, then she'lll have been put in the wall in Kelemvor's realm.

    Alestra tried to tell me that this wasn't the case, but I know it is. All I can think of is the screaming woman in the wall, stuck there for all time.

    I hope I'm wrong.


  • The Twentieth of Mirtul, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Norwick
    Weather: Raining

    So much of my time has been taken up with Lia in one way or another over the last ride. She's been spending a lot of time with Alexi, meeting the other Sisters, and seeing what she can of the realm.

    Silmiel recruited her into the Sisterhood, knowing that she would need our help and our love. For that I'm glad, both that she accepted the offer and that someone other than me approached her about it.

    But there's another problem that's taken up a lot of my time as well. She's fallen in love with Alexi, with an intensity that's worrying.

    I'm not sure how I should respond to the situation. There's a part of me that wants to drive her away, to keep her from hurting him. But the greater part of me is full of compassion for her, and trust for Alexi. I know he won't do anything to hurt me, and if he loved her he would tell me truly. Instead he's told me that he cares for her deeply, as I do, but that he cannot and does not love her the way that she loves him.

    If he did love her though… in the way that she hopes for, then as sad as I would be for myself, I think I would understand. The heart wants what it wants, and it will not listen to reason.

    And yet, I try. I took Lia aside and spoke with her, told her that Alexi cannot return her love, that it was not that he did not care for her, but rather that he does not seek a lover or a wife, only friendship. Halfway through the conversation, she seemed to become distant, as if her mind was elsewhere.

    When I left her, she was quite upset, but she seemed to understand what I had been trying to explain to her. I went upstairs to the common room, and went to sleep.

    When I awoke in the morning, I went and grabbed a fenberry pastry for breakfast, then headed back to the common room to relax in front of the fire. There I found Lia and Silmiel talking, Lia looked like she'd been crying.

    Turns out that she's been cursed by the drow, and that the curse is activated by extreme emotions. When I told her that Alexi would never be hers, it activated, and she was taken over by the spirit of a drow, drew her sword and put on her armor, and then walked the streets looking for me, hoping to slay me.

    Silmiel found her, and brought her to her senses, and managed to remove the curse for now. But the only way to stop it returning is by another marking her with similar magics. It can be a curse or a protection, but it needs to be there to keep her safe from the drow.

    After a while Alexi came up, so I left the two of them to talk.

    An hour later perhaps, he came out of the inn carrying her, saying that she had blacked out whilst they were talking.

    Long story short, her soul itself was under attack by the drow. A tall elf turned up talking elven only, saying this and that about the situation and about Lia. Silmiel translated for me, and told me that it was Corellon Larethian himself, but I'm not sure about that. The gods don't walk the realms anymore, that was part of the agreement that they made after the time of troubles.

    In any case, after the elf left, Lia woke up. She was very weak and tired, but alive and with us.

    We talked, and she seemed to be feeling better about the situation with Alexi. Not sure whether she's accepted that he's not going to be hers, or if she's just taking what she can for now and hoping for the future. I guess it doesn't really matter, as long as she respects his boundaries and doesn't do anything too rash in regards to her own safety.

    But what will come next?


  • The First of Mirtul, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    I only just realised that I forgot my birthday this year! I was so busy with the Sisterhood that it slipped my mind. Must organise a birthday cake to share with the Sisters to celebrate. Ah well, there's plenty more birthdays to come, of that I have no doubt.

    I met a new lady today, her name is Lia. She's a bit strange, and definitely very intense in her hatred of drow, but I think she means well.

    I came across her when I found Alexi. Turns out that she had taken employment with him, and so he was showing her around and helping her get her bearings.

    She says that her partner and their son were both killed by drow, in fact, her entire village was destroyed by them in a single raid. She survived the attack, but not without being badly burnt physically, and mentally scarred by it.

    She's taken a liking to Alexi, which is nice to see, but I'm worried where it will go in the future. Her intensity of emotion is something that I think will get her in trouble if she doesn't have the discernment to temper it with patience.

    In any case, I do like her. She's nice, and she means well, even after everything that she's been through. She seems to be a little unsure of me though, not sure why that is. I'll watch her for a while, see how she adapts to life here and what friends she makes, she is certainly someone who is in need of the Sisterhood's help. Just not sure if she'd accept it.

    How do I help someone who doesn't neccesarily want to be helped?


  • The Twentyfirst of Tarsakh, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Alexi and I have been travelling around, seeing the sights and catching up with people, as well as trying to stay out of trouble. He told me that Benji is starting up a new guild for inventors and alchemists, it's got a long name but the acronym is G.G.G.G.G.G. Apparently Alexi signed up, and so has Reri.

    Earlier today I happened to come across Benji… we started talking about the guild and what kinds of inventions he was looking at for the moment... so I gave him some ideas I had and showed him some of my toys... he was so excited that he pleaded for me to join there and then. I accepted his offer.

    The first thing he wants to make is a shiny staff for Arlinn. He was going to crush up some glowing rings and amulets, and then glue them onto a staff, but I suggested that he instead capture a wisp and put it into some kind of jar, then mount that jar into a staff. That way it makes light, and can zap people. He loved the idea and immediately abandoned his plans for the staff, instead intending to try and work out how to capture the wisp.

    I'm glad I was able to make him happy. After the gnoll woods the other day, he deserves some happiness.

    He just needs to remember to put some rubber grips on the staff, or the wielder of it will get zapped themselves. Knowing Benji, he'll forget about that part of it I think.

    Whatever happens, I think it will be amusing.


  • The Eighth of Ches, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: The Rift River, near Jiyyd
    Weather: Raining

    Things have been pretty quiet for the moment… no word of an attack on Norwick, nothing dangerous happening up near Peltarch... it's been wonderful.

    I came here today, to remember those who have fallen around me. Something about this place seems to be so very apt for it... the temple of Kelemvor behind me, the dead town of Jiyyd in front of me, and the open graves of those who fell in its defense patrolled by beings from the abyss. This feels as close to the afterlife as I can be, and still be alive.

    When I come here, I also remember the time I fell, and the woman in the wall.

    But today, there's another on my mind.

    One who fell defending me with his life, not knowing the price he would pay for it. And yet, I think that had he known, he would have done it anyway.

    I was travelling through the Nars Pass the other day, out for a walk with no specific destination. As I travelled, I came across a group of right sized folks; hins and gnomes. Benji was there, along with some others that I've not met before. They asked me if I wanted to tag along with them, which of course I agreed to happily. It's rare to see right sized folks outside of the Valley, and even rarer to be able to travel with them. We headed over to the gnoll woods to "prank" the gnolls, as the cleric of Garl called it.

    Once in the woods, we found that the gnolls were hiding. Going deeper in, the reason became apparent. Another group was already in the woods and had been slaughtering the gnolls ahead of us. Caric was leading them, and he was none too happy to see our group.

    When everyone else suggested that the two groups join up and work together, he got upset and stormed off.

    So anyway, we continued on, taking out gnolls as we found them. But... there was one of the scythers in our path. The others decided that we should take it on... so they positioned themselves and got its attention.

    It ran in, ignored most of them, and went for me. Still not sure why either, but I stood my ground and took it on. Benji screamed for me to get back, obviously worried about me.

    I tumbled back and out of the way, and no sooner was I in position and about to hurl a shuriken than the scyther turned on Benji, and hit him twice in the guts, slicing him in half as easy as pie.

    Chaos descended in our ranks at that. Everyone scattered this way and that, trying to keep themselves alive and yet not abandon Benji.

    I sculled an invisibility potion and ran to him, in the hopes of bringing him back, but by the time I got there he had passed over.

    Not knowing if the others would be able to defeat the scyther now, I took the grim task of collecting Benji's things as well as his body, knowing that I could sneak out, even if the others left me.

    After a few minutes of desperate combat, they had defeated the scyther and her minions. We then made our way out of the woods, and headed south to Norwick, to bring him back if he was willing.

    The journey was slow, and sad.

    Eventually we got there, and went into the healers to watch over him for the night, and pray for his soul.

    The next morning, Gilda called him back. He was weak, and pale, but alive. I gave him his things, and he went to have a rest. I wish there was something I could do for him, he died to protect me. If he hadn't sent me out of melee when he did, I would have fallen instead of him.

    I owe him my life.


  • The Ninteenth of Alturiak, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Sunny

    Well, I guess I can chalk this one down to experience, and preferring to see the best in people rather than what's actually there.

    I saw Dietrick today, he came and sat down with me and Anju as we were talking, said he wanted to talk to me about the training that I was giving him in discernment.

    After only one lesson, he tells me that he doesn't want to continue, that the exercise I gave him to do makes everything feel dead to him.

    Then, he tells me that he wants to keep calling me Scuttle because it reminds him of a badger, and that that's how he imagines me. A badger that keeps everything inside them, wrapped up in fur, or in my case "a bag of clothes" and then when you poke them they go insane with anger and attack.

    I'm not sure if he realises it, but he's just thrown everything about me, my training, and my philosophies back in my face. Might as well have hit me in the gut.

    At this stage, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm considering quitting the Dragoons, I know I don't want to work under him any longer, and I sure don't want to have to deal with him on a day to day basis.

    I'll sleep on it for now though.


  • The Seventh of Alturiak, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Norwick
    Weather: Raining

    Been so busy this last month with the Sisterhood, recruiting ladies and helping them train, getting them used to working in the Grapevine… and raising coin for our various projects.

    There's a lady who's been joining us on our training runs, but she's not a Sister. Her name's Arlinn. She's a lovely lady, but a little bit unhinged. She assures me that it's the price she has to pay for the power she has, but I worry about her anyway.

    I need to approach her about joining the Sisterhood. She helped us secure the rice for the kitchen, as well as everything else that she's done... she definitely deserves the chance to join.

    Anyway, had a real scare yesterday. I was in the gnoll woods on a training run with Shade, Reriana, Silmiel, Kresha, and Julinda. Arlinn turned up at some point, it's hard to tell because she spends so much time invisible. But I digress.

    We had fought our way through the first section of their woods, and were in the second, tougher section. One of the scythers caught sight of us, and went to engage the others, ignoring me completely. Well, that was her mistake, wasn't it? I jumped up and did a spinning axe kick to the head, knocking it out cold, leaving the others free to pound on it until it died.

    When we found the second scyther, I wasn't so lucky.

    I went to engage it like before, but this one must have noticed what happened to it's cousin, because it went straight for me, and ignored everyone else. The hatred in it's eyes burnt like a flame, trying to vaporise me where I stood. But, I held my ground and took it on.

    Two hits from it started me bleeding, then it brought the scythe around in a massive arc and cut my gut in two.

    Instantly I fell to the ground, my stomach almost falling out the wound as I struggled to hold it and my intestines in as well as stay conscious. Thankfully, one of the ladies managed to get some magical healing into me to close the wound so I could drag myself back away from it's reach.

    Yeah, not a big fan of the scythers now.

    In any case, a few healing magics later and I was back up and on my feet, just about as good as new. Just hope there's no long lasting consequences from taking such a hit.

    We continued on in our training, defeating many gnolls and honing our skills together. We also managed to raise two thousand gold for the new orphanage in the docks district, so all in all it was a good day. Reriana has done so much work with us, helping us all train... she doesn't know I know, but she's given thousands of gold of her own money towards the orphanage. I've put her name up for promotion to Big Sister, I think she deserves it.

    And I have to say, other than the training work we've been doing, and the plague in Peltarch, life has been pretty peaceful for me lately.

    I pray it continues that way.

  • The Halfling Defence League

    deleted, meant as a pm 😛


  • The First of Hammer, 1508 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: A secret grotto (not telling where!)
    Weather: Pleasantly warm and dry

    It's been nearly six months since I could write in my diary, and so much has happened in that time. After I wrote my last entry, I gave it to Alexi and told him he could read it, that I didn't want any secrets between us. He chuckled a little, but took it and sat there reading it for a while.

    He only gave it back to me today, that cheeky man! And with a picture on the last page that he drew himself… you'll need to flick through to the end if you want to see it.

    Anyway, where to begin...

    I know. Maya left. The lady who had been the head of the Sisterhood in the absence of Miss Nicahh. She made the choice to move on, to start a new chapter in her life. I wish her the best of luck and the best of health, but I will definitely miss her.

    In her place, Miss Marty has been name the new Leader. But... she's away on business... and she doesn't know when she'll be able to return. So... I made the decision to step in for now and run things until she gets back. It's been a lot of hard work, and a lot of time and energy, but I think it's having results. We're up to twelve sisters now, and although I don't see all of them all the time, I know that we're all doing our best for one another.

    I hope Marty comes back soon. I miss her, and I know that she'll do a much better job than I can with the ladies, I've still got so much to learn and so many things to experience before I think I can do the job justice.

    Sister Shade has done so much since she joined... she's even taken the initiative and started a soup kitchen in the Peltarch Docks for the poor and homeless. Everyone's been doing their best to chip and and help, whether it be gathering food, serving in the kitchen itself, or arranging for contracts for the supplies we need. She's also been liasing with the various authorities, and in general, working tirelessly to get things done.

    I have to admit that she makes me feel bad with how hard she works, and how much she gets done. I feel like I'm always trying to catch up with the Grapevine, and to look after the Sisters as they travel around, let alone a new venture like the soup kitchen.

    It would have been four months ago now, when I had the most scary thing in my entire life happen. There was an attack on Peltarch by some troop of kobolds that seemed to be stronger and more powerful than any orc or gnoll I'd seen before, let alone any kobold.

    During the attack I nearly died, so did Alexi.

    Afterwards, he collapsed with exhaustion, his essence drained almost completely. Panicking, I tried to take him to Norwick to the healers, so that he could recover with herbal remedies instead of people trying to use magic on him.

    But Nure wanted to help. And so did Dietrick. So then there are three of us carrying him to the boat. Then some stupid woman cast a healing spell on him, sending him into convulsions.

    We made it to Norwick, albeit barely. I managed to get rid of Dietrick, but Nure just wouldn't leave us alone.

    It took three days for me to bring Alexi back from the brink... but bring him back I did. I have never been so scared in all my life, as when I saw him drifting at death's door. I'm not sure how Senria managed to deal with it, if it happened as often as Alexi says it did in the past.

    And when he came back... I kissed him. I kissed him like I've always wanted to, like I dream about doing. I shouldn't have, but it was all I could do to restrain myself from dragging him off to the inn to keep him to myself for a week.

    At first he was upset, but then he calmed down and realised what had happened. I think he finally understands how I feel about him.

    He and I and Nure celebrated after that, in the Valley. We had some sweet things, and romped around at the edge of the water. Alexi also decided that Nure can be part of the family too, because she cared so much for him that she would stay with him, regardless of what happened.

    So now I have a sister, in two ways. She's a Little Sister in the Sisterhood, as well as being my sister in mine and Alexi's family. But the relationship I have with Alexi is special... something that no-one else has, and that no-one else can share.

    Oh, there was a festival in the Silver Valley too, probably a month after that. I got to run a food and drink stall, so there was lots of cooking and brewing for me... even placed a special order with Damarra for more coffee so I could serve it up there. My food was a big hit! I was able to make over seven hundred coin for the Silver Valley, so I feel like I did well. And there was lots of happy faces, and a lot of kind words said.

    That day I found out that Miss Kresha is a Sister too, as well as a Priestess of Sharess called Silmiel! If ladies keep turning up with robes we'll have an overflowing inn soon! And I think that would be just grand.

    Anyway, after the festival I headed back to the Grapevine to do some paperwork. I was about to get down to it when there was a knock at the door. I opened it, and standing there was one of the Hin Fist Dragoons from the Valley. Turns out that Dietrick kept his word, when he told me that he would arrange for me to spar with one of them.

    Long story short, we went back to the Valley, into the Four Winds Dojo. We faced off against one another, and she ripped me apart.

    I've never met a hin fist monk so strong. Every punch was like a hammer blow into my chest or my head, and her gloves were mighty in their enchantment. At the end of it, I was lying on the mat dazed and confused, and she was standing above me, hardly breaking a sweat.

    I just don't believe how strong she was.

    After the sparring session, Dietrick took me outside and told me that the reason he arranged for the training session was so that he could see if I was as strong as I claimed to be, and that if I was, he would have put me in charge of the Hin Fist Dragoons. But... I failed that test, so for now I would have to train harder and see if I could someday try again.

    Anyway, a week later I was in Peltarch chatting with people when Sister Shade asked me to come with her to negotiate the rice supply contract. Dietrick asked to tag along, and several others came with us, including a nice new tallie called Holli, Arlinn, Nora, and Alexi.

    We got to Oscura, and Sister Shade and I are trying to negotiate for the rice with Yuki, when some sailors nearby start talking about how one of them slit a hin's throat and dumped him overboard. Now, I know that sailors like to talk crap, but it still made my blood boil.

    And here I was, on official guild business. The ONE time I can't do anything about it. The sailors looked like the same ones that were slaving for elves on the Icelace before, so I knew exactly what to look out for, as well as who.

    Dietrick went over to talk to them in his normal manner, at which point I knew that things could go very, very badly. So I tried to ignore the situation as best I could, and yet take in as much information about what they were talking about as I could.

    Yuki told us that the Kuo-tua had stolen a shipment of rice, and that if we could recover it, it would be ours, but in order to arrange for a permanent bulk shipment, I'd need the word of a Blooded to do so.

    I nodded my thanks and moved on, grabbing the others who would come with me, and I let Dietrick know that we were moving on. He wasn't impressed at that, but I don't think he understood why I did what I did at the time.

    Once I had them all out of the district, I went back and continued negotiating, eventually Miss Arlinn told me that she was a Blooded and would give word for us... so we negotiated the rice contract for four thousand, two hundred gold per year, with a fifty pound bag of rice per month.

    Once that was done, we went west, and out the gate into the Underdark, to the lair of the Kuo-tua. Dietrick was devastating in combat, a terror to behold. The others mainly provided ranged support and picked up what trinkets they could find.

    Eventually we got through to the deeper caves, where the tougher ones lived. They seemed to be enjoying their meal of rice when we found them... and they went down very quickly to Dietrick's sword.

    A hundred pounds of rice later, and we were on our way out, when Dietrrick started verbally abusing me, saying how I didn't care about the hin that the soldiers had murdered, that I was a disgrace to the Dragoon name...

    I told him that I did care, and tried to explain why I did what I did, and what I would be doing from here... but he wouldn't listen to me. In the end, I'd had enough of his ramblings and I handed him back my badge, resigning from the HDL

    Well, that set him off. He grabbed me by the throat, and lifted me off the ground, yelling and screaming profanities at me, telling me how I had no honour, and how I was a failure and a disgrace, and a coward. But, I didn't fight him. I didn't try and escape.

    Because I was in the right, not him, and to react how he wants me to, would be to give up my own honour. It would be admitting that he was right. And it would give him no reason to pause and reconsider his actions later.

    Alexi stepped in to try and defend me, so did the others... but Dietrick wouldn't listen to them. Instead, he threw me away from him and punched me until I fell to the ground, gasping for breath.

    And still I did not fight him, or even try to defend myself.

    At that point, the others stepped in, enraged by his actions. I begged them to leave him alone, but they were determined to try and defend me. They fell just as I had.

    At that point, I tried to tell him how far he had fallen, what he had just done. That he had thrown away his honour, for attacking one of his own, without justification, without honour.

    So he hit me again, and again.

    I passed out.

    Later on, I woke up in the Shiney Coppers, with everyone but Dietrick with me. They looked beat up, but at least we were all alive.

    Alexi then told me that I had suffered brain bruising. If he hadn't been there to tend to me straight away, I could have died. The others were furious about what Dietrick had done, and upset at themselves that they were not able to avenge me.

    After a few more days of resting, we made our way out of Oscura. I managed to hobble my way to Kinte, my pony, and headed north to see Sister Shade before I returned to the Grapevine.

    She came out of the city for me, and told me that Dietrick was looking for me.

    So I rode south straight away, and managed to make it to the Grapevine without passing out, praise the gods.

    It must have been hours later when I was woken up by a knock on the door. It was Arlinn. Dietrick had convinced her that he was genuinely sorry for what happened in the Underdark, and that he wanted to apologise.

    I rose, unsteadily, got dressed, and went down to see him. I might not like the man, or trust him, but I will at least hear him out, I thought to myself.

    He asked if we could speak in private, to which I agreed.

    So we went up to one of the meeting rooms, and he told me that he had failed in his duty, in his honour. And that he needed to atone for it, in the only way he knew how.

    So he took off his breastplate, and took out four daggers. He then proceeded to stab himself with them, one at a time, and then to leave them in his chest.

    Each dagger was for one of the ways that he had failed.

    We talked a bit then, and I made him understand why I acted in the way I did, from when we first heard the sailors, to when he had me on the ground, beating on me whilst I refused to defend myself. I told him he was like a weapon, without a purpose, with a will to guide it and the discernment to know friend from foe.

    And he agreed with me, and told me that he was a poor leader, and a poor captain.

    In the end, I agreed to his request, to train him in discernment and wisdom, and how to see the truth in a situation. So that he can be a better leader. And so that things like this won't happen again.

    I took back my badge, and I took back my position. And we parted on amicable terms.

    It's going to take a lot for me to trust him fully again, and I'm not sure if the pain from what happened will ever pass, to be so misjudged by my superior and to be nearly killed because he can't control himself…

    After that, I rested for a week to recover from my wounds, and then I made the trip home in secret, with Alexi. Our friend mage sent us there, and gave us a token to use when we wish to return.

    I don't want to go into too much detail now... the memory is still too close and too painful. But, I will say this. I went through the testing, to confirm that my training was complete, and I passed. But they refused my service. The elders told me that I was too weak to serve, and that I was free to come or go as I chose, but my place was not here, defending the village. And my parents turned away from me.

    So we returned home. Maybe another time I'll write about what happened there in full... but for the moment I think I need to let it rest.

    Since then I've spent a little time training Dietrick, and getting to know him better. He's a hard one to understand... because he doesn't think like a hin at all. He tells me that's because he only found out he was a hin when he got to this realm, that he never knew his real family.

    We talked for hours and hours, out on the island in the middle of the lake in the Rawlins. Not what I would have called the best spot to perch, but I guess any port in a storm will do.

    Alexi keeps poking me, saying that he'll be amused if Dietrick and I become a couple... but I can't see that ever happening. I think I would rather choke to death on my own tongue than have him as my husband.

    Since then I've been spending time with Alexi, just the two of us alone. It's been months since we've been able to do that, we didn't even get the chance when we were away together.

    He's laying beside me as I write this, relaxing with his head on my lap. He wanted to bring me to this grotto, to show me how beautiful it is, to share it with me. I'm glad that few people know about it, it keeps it special, and private.

    We talked a lot today, about all kinds of things. Family, friends, other people that we meet...

    We played a lot too. To be able to relax and be myself, away from prying eyes, is a pleasure I get all too rarely nowadays. I know Alexi feels the same way, and to be able to be ourselves together is just so very, very special.

    We also talked a little about Senria again. He still pines for her... but no-one's heard from her, or seen her in a while now. I hope she's okay... it would break his heart if something has happened to her. He even said that if Senria comes back, and she's willing to, that we could share him. I'm not sure if he was joking or not, but I have to say that if I was offered that option, I think I'd take it over not having him at all.

    Ah, the things we do for love.


  • The Seventh of Flamerule, 1507 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Today was a good day. I'm still not sure where things will go in the future, but Alexi and I had a good talk, down on the beach on the edge of the Icelace.

    I apologised to him for what I had said when I broke down, and he told me that it was okay, that he prefers total honesty between the two of us.

    So, I told him everything. Everything.

    I've never felt this way about anyone before. He's a good man, but more than that, he's a kind man. Even though his burdens are greater than mine, he still cares deeply for me. Even though he is still married, he loves me and does so in a way that means he stays true to her.

    I'm not sure if I can continue with my training. I'm not sure if I'll be able to return when my family sends for me. I'm not sure about anything anymore except for one thing.

    I love him. There, I said it. I love him like I've never loved anyone before, like I never thought I could love anyone. It's like a flame inside me, burning me up, muddling my thoughts and controlling me. That part of me that was supposed to die when I defeated her with Master Dwarf, she is inside me now and is loving every second of it.

    I want to be with him, more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life.

    But, he says that he loves me as much as he loves Senria, and as much as he loves the rest of his family. Just that he won't bed me. And that's okay, I'm not even sure how that would work, or if it could work without magics.

    He's promised to never leave me, to stay by my side always. And for now, I'm happy with that. I've told him that one day I want to have kids, I want to have a home with him, and I want to be with him forever.

    But, his service to his people comes ahead of what he wants for himself. And he's married to Senria. And I have my service to my people as well.

    Why must everything be so complicated? No one knows what the future holds, so I'll take what I have now, and be grateful. But I hope, and I pray, with every ounce of my being, that one day we will have a home together.

    In public though, we need to watch our actions. Others don't understand him, and why he does things the way he does. And almost no-one would understand the way we feel about one another. Everything that we have worked for individually could be thrown away because of this.

    It feels like whenever we're trying to spend time together talking, others just walk up and invite themselves into the conversation. Darius even walked up and sat down at the table with us yesterday when we were having a quiet breakfast together. He didn't ask, he just sat down and interrupted what we were doing. And then Julinda did the same!

    Realising that any hope I had for privacy with him was now lost for the day, so I excused myself and headed south to spend time with the Sisters, to try and lose myself in the monotony of the work.

    But for now, I feel complete. And that is worth everything to me.