3. The Journal of Jerrick Rayfe

The Journal of Jerrick Rayfe


  • _Apparently, I am getting paranoid in my not-so-old-all-things-considered age.

    This thing with Marty has gone too far.
    I worry the rest of the circle sees it as some kind of personal battle between us … when the meeting itself as suggested by one of the other elders, out of her own concern!

    Now that elder herself has made it out to be some kind of misunderstanding, or personal spat.
    She takes back words she said, pretending they meant nothing.
    She makes me into a badguy, out to get her for some reason.

    The apprentice I have not seen in some time, but at least the smack I have her seems to have warned her to keep her distance from me.
    Folks seem to have forgotten about the Hungry One, and he seems to have pulled things back, out of sight, and therefore in most people's cases, out of mind.

    He's as clever as Ostromog it seems, and as much of a canker to me as Izakiel. Two of my Wolves, stricken in some way by him.

    I need to hunt a magic eater.
    I need to pinch a paladin.

    Crushed magic eater claw... okay, I know how to do that. It's not easy, but it's realistic. How the HELL to I get an honest Paladin to cry? Tell them stories that are sad? Poke them in the eye?

    Kaetlyn would know.
    She's gone.

    Adriell might know, and would sit with me til she figured it out.
    She's gone.

    Kara I can't evn afford to think about. Not even after our recent chat.
    The last thing I need is more conspiracies about me. Is it a problem that I laugh when I think about proving some of them right? The look of shock on their face, and the whispers of "I knew it!"

    Am I being paranoid, or are people just waiting for me to snap?
    I guess being alone in a sense is good for one thing.
    Nobody else is catching shit because of me... I hope._


  • _Idiots… should be beaten nearly to death with sacks full of rocks.

    I'm not talking about the people who are simple, for reasons they can't control, from birth-injuries or otherwise, no. I'm talking about those who ask questions... are given answers, and ignore them.

    Maya gave me some sage advice, just to start beheading stupid people... or at least punching them in the nose. I'm going to have to start warning everyone who asks if they can ask me a question. . .

    Person: May I ask you a question, Jerrick?

    Me: Only if you don't mind being punched in the nose if you're stupid about it.

    Would that fix my problems, or get me beat up, jailed, or killed?

    Balian seems to think I need a long night at a pub.
    Seeing as how that would end up in a bar-fight for me, I think I'll refrain from that, too.

    I feel like a cheap bow-string, ready to snap if anybody pulls me the wrong way. My patience is wearing thin, and I'm sure I'm just starting more conspiracies about my own eventual demise into the ways of evil or worse from the rumors I hear, but it's either walk away from the problems, or start hitting people.

    Considering how I manhandled Marty, and backhanded Dana already, I'm surprised nobody has called me a woman-beater yet. I'll wait on it, so I'm not surprised when it does come.

    If it wasn't for the other Druids, and Fadia coming back, I think I'd have left for a while about this point. There's only so much shit any shovel can hold, and I've already taken my share._


  • _I wonder if there's a way to enchant a speak to speak for itself.

    Someone can ask about balance, and I can simply open the book, and have my every thought I'd ever given on the subject pour itself out to them, and let them take what they will from it.

    A precious few who ask me about it, actually seek to learn, or understand.They seek to contradict. To try to catch me in some kind of lie, or twist my words, or try to prove something with them that they were never intended to prove.

    It grows tiresome beyond belief.

    Speaking of tiresome, being called a bully or being told that I am too harsh, or too quick to anger, or full of myself is beginning to grate on my nerves as well.

    I normally leave Narfell at times like these, to seek sanctuary with a nearby Druid or ranger outpost, or just find solace alone in the woods, walking where my feet might guide me. I do what I must, and I do what I will to preserve and protect what I feel is right.

    I won't say what I -know- is right, because I am being forced into acting like some sort of wordsmith. I've never had my own words thrown back at me with such force and wild abandon as I have in recent weeks.
    I would sooner dodge slingstones and arrows.

    I can only explain myself so many times before I tire of speech altogether, to be honest. It's not a fair thing to do, reserving my words for those who ask questions, as any who seek knowledge should find it.
    What I wrote earlier plagues me though!

    How do I separate those who truly wish to know or learn from those who merely seek conflict with me, or my lifestyle?

    Some people complain of personal demons… well, I have devils.
    They're smarter, more subtle, and use words like the deadliest of weapons. It's a plague upon me, and I cannot cure it.

    I speak, instead. I give people the conflict they seek, or the answers, or simply waste breath for their entertainment in some cases I am sure.
    I need to remember that I chose this duty, and keep to it, though it may cost me more than my peace of mind.

    Speaking of peace of mind... Kaetlyn, where are you?
    Adriell, where did you go?

    I need to quit growing attached to people.
    Apparently, it makes them leave, or worse.

    Dammit, I hate reading my own writing.

    The last line is written in an angry slash of ink, scoring the page slightly._


  • _Again, I meet a Mielikkian with more than a bit of a warlike, closed minded bent to them.

    Only this time, it was two.

    Only this time, they were priestesses.

    Only this time, they and two other priests of goodly Gods had cornered four Druids of the Furies, and were clearly winning a battle.

    Everybody paused to stare at us as we arrived… the Priests called out for aid like inviting us to a feast, while the fury followers were back to back in a tight circle, surrounded.

    Call me foolish, but I walked in between them, backed by Malika and Belia, my ever-present sisters of the circle to whom I am grateful, and owe my life to enough to trust them with it brazenly... such as this moment.

    A few of us spoke up, but I ended up leading the conversation, after managing to get everybody to put away their weapons, and listen.
    It was... really something to see that happen. The priests were ready to destroy the Druids on sight, two of them Mielikkians... and they paused to listen anyway, weapons away, while I relapsed into the conversations I've been having with many, many, many ... hells, countless others every day and night here in Norwick, or the ONE time I go into Peltarch, with that horrible conversation with Marty.

    It went better than could have been expected. The Druids were passing through our lands, to aid in restoring balance to an area elsewhere. The priests and priestesses were actually honestly willing to accompany them, when I suggested that they watch what the Druids do when the arrive, and see this "Balance" we spoke of for themselves, rather than simply taking my word for it.

    They agreed.

    Deep in my heart, I pray that they not only observe, but help...
    Now if priests and priestesses can join fury druids long enough to observe them to learn, is there truly possibly maybe hope for the others in this land to give them a chance?_


  • _Well, that does it.
    I think I'm quite possibly going mad.

    A caught a hint of Lemon and Rose on the air. It was like my own little breeze visited. It ruffled my hair in that altogether too familiar way… and then was gone. It's all I can nt to go haring off to the Bluff... or past Jiyyd, into the mountains beyond, hoping she's close enough to find.

    Then again, I may have been dreaming.

    I was killed, as undead of all kinds swarmed us outside the Norwick gates. I sat in thefugue, wondering what would happen this time, if anything.. and a tremendous growl shook everything. Turns out they heard it topside too... and I was yanked back. Hard.

    Brendel was slain next.

    His body was taken, too, and set up for a ritual on the island in the lake. So much stuff happens there, it's got to sit on a ley-line, or very near where some intersect. Belia dispelled it, and I grabbed his form, and brought him back to returned to us.

    I had held myself back at the gates during that fight... if I hadn't, he might still be here, dammit. Well, without having had to go through that.
    How is it that I can get more confused every single day?

    Isn't there some kind of... I don't know, point where you can't go further?_


  • If one came across the following note in Jerrick's journal, and had the uncanny ability to judge a person's mood my their writing, they would say the writer of the flowing script that graces this page was in high spirits, an happy with life indeed!

    _**Reminder to self!

    Ask Aislynn to draw a badger in my journal. I think that was the happiest I've been in a while.**_


  • A note is scribbled into the journal after his last.

    _And as soon as I worry for him, he seems to answer his own questions. It's a good thing that when I dont know what to think… someone else does the thinking for me!

    Funny that when I mentioned Dana to myself.. her "Interest" arrives at my fire in the middle of the night, unannounced, claiming to have been "out for a stroll".

    At night.

    Ilanthe he called himself. This should be interesting, at least.

    I was suspicious when he walked up, because I heard from Adriell and another friend at the fire in front of my house, that earlier several Druids had been attacked in front of my home by those damned dog-tribe goblins.

    Not much later apparently, Adriell was alone there, and attacked by an orcish hunter of some sort? What the hell... apparently he had a companion with him as well, a large boar. At.. my... house...

    I'm going to need to either make a sign, or start leaving examples of what happens to those who even think about that kind of thing._


  • _Again, I have cause for worry.

    I worry that I have thrust my apprentice into my shadow all these years with my teaching, or how I teach, or simply by my prescence and habit to take the forefront of things in a situation.

    He confronted me today, and claimed that I did not know what it was like being known as something other than myself. Insted, to be known as someone else's apprentice.

    Indeed, I do not.

    Does it help that he offers that information to people freely? Probably not.
    It is not my place to judge, however. I think he's had quite enough of my judging… yet still he asks my opinion on things. Things like his judgement. His decisions.

    While I welcome the chance to help him if I can... I wonder now if I'm doing more harm than good? He relates closely to birds, and now I feel like I've caged him without my own knowledge or intent.

    What do I do?

    Thanks to me, he seems unable to find himself.

    Have I done wrong yet again?

    The new apprentice fears me, or hates me, or just thinks I am a stuffed up fool with no patience or caring or understanding. At least one of these I am sure is true.

    Yet I treat her the same as Horlamin, and Aervanna, and even my Wolves.

    I worry for Caelian, and Dana, for different reasons.
    One I fear for his listening to me, the other for the opposite.

    Why do I feel like I failed both?_


  • _I mut be doing something to make people surround me.

    I wake up next to Marty. Then she leans on me at the south fire.
    Gives me a very nice sling with my name on it.
    Now that crazed elf with the torch is standing over me with it… again.
    Adriell's walked off when Albry leaned on me immediately after I moved away from Marty.

    Is getting away from folks attracting MORE attention? Dammit.
    Listening to the elf argu with Dana about speaking elven would normally be funny, but I'm getting annoyed.

    If it's not one thing, it's another. If someone's not mad, they're sad, or feeling left out, or ... I don't know. Something. Sorely tempted to push the elf off the lookout tower here, just for a moment of peace. Even as I'm writing, she's quizzing me on it. Anorfithredia was her name, I think.

    At least the fact that my hair is red seems to keep her from wanting to torch it. Nutter...

    I can hear Adriell destroying terrified goblins from here, and her and E'ntali howling. I think she's mad. Maybe jealous? I know I don't have the right to be jealous of anyone, I have someone... somewhere, but I feel it anyway sometimes.

    More and more I can only think about the kind of crap she had to go through when I was missing. I wonder if anyone's been cusing her the kind of mental grief as I've been causing myself with everyone around here?

    Mielikki's mercy on my ignorance. My desires. My confusion.

    I have only myself to blame for all of this, and now I can only sit back and laugh at myself because of it.

    I am such an idiot._


  • The script is a little erratic at this entry. He seems both rushed, and stuck on what to write, as if he left his quill on the page too long between several words and sentences.

    _Well dammit.

    "If you know what you want, go after it. "

    It sounds like something I would say.

    I feel like a hungry animal in front of fresh game, but knowing that there's familiar hunting territory over a hill that I'm very fond of, and also having something directly in front of me that isn't mine, but is available.

    It seems obscure… but dammit, how else do I explain it.

    Interest. I have it. Others have them.
    It doesn't mean I should. I feel lousy about it from every angle.

    The writing stops as if interrupted suddenly, and there's a speck of blood on the page. The writing resumes much more collected and neat.

    _Thank you goblin caster fella, and little fire critters jumping out of the fire. I needed a little excitement. The fire critters fell easily enough to my frosted blade, but that caster was an invisible pain in my arse. Til I put an arrow in it's back… Little bastard set me on fire first though.

    I think I'll take a nap.

    The writing picks back up again.

    _I Wake up to a sharp voice, and a torch in my face. Next to Marty.

    Great.

    I'm watching this elf woman be bizarre, and talk about bringing fire to the cold south. Still not sure what I think of her, but I'm putting this away before her torch gets to it.

    Psycho.___


  • _Watching an elf dream is a little… surreal.
    It reminded me of Fayt dreaming of ... well whatever wolves dream of. The slight body movements, the movements of eyes beneath their lids, and I couldn't help but sit there and wonder what she saw.

    I didn't try to wake her last time, like we all did the last.
    I saw. I waited. I watched. I didn't realize it, but I listened too, because she spoke.

    I know it was another vision, which we spoke about upon her waking, but it makes me wonder. Do I speak in my sleep?
    Do I move my body while in my dreams?

    I can only imagine if I do what these nightmares cause me to act out while I'm unaware of my body. I hope I don't fall asleep where I can hurt myself or someone else... I'd hate to thrash and break something.

    We spoke for a while, about the visions, and then I headed off for some rest. It seems I don't get as much as I would like lately, even when I try. The dreams wake me, or whatever is on my mind wakes me with a feeling that I have to go forth, and -do- whatever is on my mind before I may sleep.

    More goblins have paid my way to sleep in blood than I can count.
    Turns out exhaustion works too..._


  • _Some people are hard to gauge.
    Some appear to wear their heart on their sleeve, then it seems like you never knew them at all when they are called to make a decision.

    I cannot help but wonder if I seem the latter to some.

    To see this much shock, awe, and surprise on the faces of those I have known for decades, baffles me. It's gone so far as to make me dread the day that I know is soon to come, when I face the rest of them.

    I've done no wrong, yet I feel a criminal.
    Everyone says "Follow your heart."

    They're full of shit.

    Those same people preach and protest, and waggle fingers because their opinion of what you did doesn't mesh with what they would have.
    It's past silly. It's into insulting.

    I find myself not trusting people far too often, and viewing strangers with an initial distrust. Being wary is all fine and good, but I need to quit letting this get to me.

    Speaking of strangers, I took a fairly interesting new fellow on a trip with my pack, and he did very well with us. Looking forward to getting to know this one better._


  • _Well, that settles it.
    I can't say I've seen it all, but that makes it damned close. (Added in) and amazing to see. Fascinating!
    Just… wow. Even left a present, once for each of us.
    Nice fellow...

    On a seperate note, today was... trying, to say the least.

    Bad news of sorts on three NEW separate fronts.

    One got hurt, one's in trouble and needs to go explain, and the other is too curious for his own good. So curious, that he may have handed himself over to someone he knows nothing about for... whatever nefarious purpose they may have!

    Or they could be all sunshine and rainbows.

    Wonderful...

    I was having a perfectly good nap, too, but the thoughts of everything keep waking me up. I keep seeing Legionnaires in my dreams, and instantly dreading talking to them, imagining it'll be like before.

    Then I see Kara, and she chastises me for rising to the bait and reacting.

    I see Celestria, and the waterfall we spent so much time near. She looks troubled, and I know there's nothing I can do to help her.

    I see Sierra, on the road to Amn, the city in the background, and hear something in the bushes to the right, so I look, and find nothing. I turn back to her, and she's gone. Vanished... and I have the feeling she was never there.

    I see the Queen, and she beckons. She tempts me with the life of the consort... easy enough to turn down, but I can't help but shiver as I walk away, knowing I am watched.

    I see a friend lose his struggle, and blood in the snow. I hear my own laughter... and remember several years ago...

    I see a cold, snowy mountain. I see purple armor, a familiar green cloak, I see Kaetlyn in a blizzard. Is she alone? I imagine her finding her compass, and looking back towards Jiyyd every day, and wonder if she even thinks I'll have returned. I see a dark shadow behind her that isn't hers.

    Damn you Kence, you've tainted my very dreams with your suppositions.

    I see the face of the "Mielikkian" every time I don my armor, and now he visits in dreams, calling me weak. I am frozen in place by the spell, and I see the blade rise up for the killing blow...

    A figure in blue appears at the fire in a bolt of lightning. She speaks of good things, and tells me personally that my trials and tribulations will be rewarded, and that although I know already, she wanted to remind me that "She" watches. I feel lighthearted for a moment, before talk turns to death. At least our deaths will be long remembered.

    The cold sweat upon waking is perhaps the most annoying. The dreams are bad enough, but the physical reminder upon waking makes it harder to shake off. I'm sick of dreaming like this. Might try a sleeping draught sometime, just for one good night..._


  • _It seems to me… that my actions have a greater effect on a greater number of people than I originally thought.

    I made a decision to leave the Legion, and better focus on the path the Lady has set before me. There are times and situations for compromise, and there are times that it should not even be considered.

    I believe focusing on being a warden of nature first and foremost should be my main focus, and letting the Legion do their thing without me didn't seem to me like it would cause any major poblems.

    Of course, I was wrong.

    Telli came to me, not understanding why I had left.
    I explained, and while I am sure she didn't really like it much, she said nothing demeaning, nothing insulting, just that she hopes I'll stay around as their counsel to the Druid circle.

    I don't see a problem with that, as I'll be more than happy to advise anyone coming to me, but it's also clear that my suggestions are not necessarily heeded by some, and I don't need to be put in a position leading them where I will have to force someone's hand by direct order, or force them to stay said hand.

    I don't need it. They don't need it. And speaking of not needed...

    Marty found me next.
    She took the "Grag" approach, and said a few things she shouldn't have.
    I was accused of "Going limp", as the reason for leaving the Legion, and then asked if I was "Going Kara."
    The quill dug into the page fairly hard here, and a tear in it is visible.

    _People can say what they wish about me.
    They can call me an Aurilite, or a fury worshipper, or whatever else they like. Hellsakes, I recently had to help kill a "Mielikkian" whose grand idea it was to have dire animals attack any armed adventurer in the woods, because they clearly meant harm to them.

    He used magics of disease and pestilence on me when we dueled to see who stays in these lands, and when I was beaten, went to strike me down for good. My wolves quickly took his life. I wear his armor now as a reminder. I will never become that. So deluded in his zeal to protect that he forgot what he was protecting…

    Kara lost her soul protecting others.
    She gave it up as the price to save those she held dear, and though it was the wrong decision in everyone's mind including my own, I know others that have made entirely more selfish decisions in less pressing circumstances.

    Yes, she had to work for a Devil.
    Hells, yes she was made to lead the N'Jast army here, against Peltarch for something I doubt even happened.
    Before she was called to make good on her debt, do I think she had any evil or ill will towards us? No.

    I no longer speak to her, as she is descended into the hells, someplace I wish not to follow... At any rate, this whole "Going Kara" thing is fine and good, until somebody throws it in my face as an accusation of me "Going Darkside" so to speak.

    People want to see me do that?
    I hope they keep pressing.

    On an entirely different note, still no word from Kaetlyn.
    After a run-in with Kence that nearly ended in blood, I worry for her.
    His claims put me on edge, and I cannot help but wonder. Does she travel alone? Is one with her, or following close behind, with ill will in their heart, or more concern for their purse?

    Those I've been spending the most time with lately, things havechanged a bit. I don't know when it happened, or why... it's funny. Not ONE of us is technically available, but there's a tension in the air I couldn't tear through with a blessed sword sometimes.

    I still can't figure out if I dislike it.__


  • A piece of parchment is suck with sap to the inside of Jerrick's journal, slightly dirty about the edges, on it's own page, with writing beneath it.
    @d852c3b483:

    Mydeer,

    Please forgive me. I can't wait any longer and I'm not sure I could do what He wants if I waited to see you again.

    He's been calling me to go into the mountains for over a year, I kept waiting to see if you'd come back, but you're gone for now, and I have to go, while I still can.

    There must be a shrine out there, past the demons and the snow. I have to look for it.

    I pray that Mielikki is keeping you safe and you are with friends. I worry that you're hurt, that too many people are asking too much of you. I ask the winds to be kind to you.

    Keep safe. I'll return if I can.
    All and forever, yours.

    _Well, that explains why even I have not been able to find her…

    I was sitting at the fire with Troff and Belia, when it occured to me. I had written recently in this book once more, and was reading back over my writings, when I rememebered where Kaetlyn and I sat so often, overlooking Jiyyd. The bluff where we spent so much time together.

    I feel like an idiot now, for not checking there first. Or at all.

    I dug the letter up, buried under the leftmost statue. That's the one she always sat closest to.

    It says she'll be back, which I look forward to greatly... but she raises a point that the guilt I feel for rests heavily upon me for. I am gone so often that she truly cannot be sure when I will be back, if at all.

    Circumstances in our very births meant that this would be something I have to face eventually... the passing of time. It shouldn't be SO bad, since I am half human at least, and not bound to age TOO drastically different from how she will... but circumstances SINCE my birth seem to want to dictate otherwise.

    I've heard parables about letting a caged bird free if you wish to truly show it love, or something of the sort... but I can't be bothered to even hunt down the correct phrasing on it. Because I don't want that to be the case...

    Does that make me selfish?
    I have no such plans to leave her, or let her go.
    Her words in the letter leave me hope, especially the "All and forever, yours." Is it so wrong to cling to that?

    Mielikki's Mercy... what do I do?_


  • Jerrick smiles, reading over his last entry, and rubs a sword-calloused hand over his neck remembering the feeling. It's hard to feel more helpless than you do swinging from a tree like that… especially -that- tree.

    Note to self… He scrawls.

    Show the tree to a certain someone, and remind him that some people are willing to sacrifice themselves before those around them.

    Seeming ill at ease for just a moment, he returns to the peace he had found just hours before. Thoughts of the certain someone that make him almost regret being "good" vanish like a momrning fog meeting the noonday sun, and he looks down at the still napping figure nearby, a feeling of gratefulness washing over him.

    With his family here, he would never be alone, and being able to really, truly appreciate that, was something he was grateful to take a break for, and think about his life.

    He set the quill to the parchment once more, pausing for a moment before writing, trying to put feelings into words for the second time that day and night, hoping that the book would prove easier to talk to.

    _Changes are here yet again.

    Personal, and otherwise, change has come in many great and terrible ways, and yet again we all sit together often, like there is a great axe above our heads, yet too defiant to move out from under it.

    One thing I cannot help but notice of late… in the influx we have had.
    We are at what, three, four, five new Druids to the land?
    Mielikki's own flock here, as do those of Silvanus, and even Auril.

    I find myself more and more trying to catch people up in regards to the plights of this land, and find myself truly needed, it seems. I'm finding my role as an Elder... satisfying. Fulfilling. Busy!

    My own apprentice looks older than I now... I may need to speak to the Queen about that... and i get more questioning looks about my age. If people remember that Kara's age did much the same, I may be regarded with sus...okay, well, more suspicion. I know there are those that don't trust me out there, and that's certainly their right.

    I'm not the most forthright of people, but their mistake is in the "Why". I don't feel I have anything to hide, rather I tend to shut my mouth so as not to get myself into trouble with it. Just like my apprentice... heh. He's grown into a fine young man, and will be a father soon.

    He considers himself a success thus far due mostly to my teachings, and I have seldom felt so proud. He is a man of values, integrity, and passion, and I look forward to seeing what he does with his life.

    Belia has returned as well, thankfully. It's strange, the circle having been without her for some time now, I am unsure of how everybody gets along just yet. I'm hoping we don't start crowding one another into disagreements! So many of us are fairly strong willed.... time will tell!

    I got to share with somebody today, and let a lot off of my chest.
    She and I share a feeling on a subject much like one another, and it's been a boon to have her strength to aid me, even in my moments of weakness and foolishness. She's much like Kaetlyn in that regard, content to listen, and not judging.

    I've tried to find word of Kaetlyn, but there is none...
    I know how she must have felt all the times I was away, and it breaks me to think of me putting her through pain like that. I hope she is well. I hope she is safe. I hope Shaundakul watches over her now more than ever.

    Shaundakul, I know you like to read her words. I hope you're seeing mine, and bring to her my thanks, as I remember her smile, her touch, her words.

    The work of a Druid is never done, it seems. Today I rise again with the dawn, and see what else there is to be seen._


  • _Today it comes to me, as I sit praying at the circle stone for guidance. For memory. For some hint of memory from what was done, regarding what needs to be done once more.

    Not the answer, of course.
    No, the answer coming to me like that would be too easy.
    No, instead another question.

    What is it going to feel like?
    Will I be able to enjoy the breeze, or the creak of the branches above and around me as I swing? And even if I do… will I live to tell about it?

    Malika took a great risk for us.
    I respect that. I even admire it.
    She is a better person than I.

    While yes, I would have done this as well, and still plan to, I suspect my thoughts will be more filled with my personal role in all of it.
    Ego? Habit? I know not.

    I wish to become closer to the things around me, more sensitive to the faint stirrings of the eddies and currents that make up the balance as we know it. I wish to always know the world as I do when I walk on four paws, and can tip my nose into the breeze even as the soft fur between my toes parts to let even blades of grass stay unbent, so that my tracks may remain unseen.

    I want to test my faith for my own reasons just as much as I want to be able to help as Malika has.

    I fear I will not be up to the task.

    Despite seeing Mielikki's face many times, being brought back to life by her, or kept from death in the first place, still I worry that it is not enough, what I do in this life.

    I guess faith is going forward believing even though you have your doubts, after all. I go soon._


  • _It's been some time since I could stop for a moment and write.
    That, and each time I try to start and write, I find myself completely unable. Also… being in a shape with paws doesn't really help with the whole writing thing... I've tried.

    I got to see Kaetlyn again, which was a treat.
    She seemed to hold no grudge against me for constantly being busy or gone, but I feel like an asshole for not being there for her often.
    We operate in different places, at different times, and often in different circles, but I live for the next time I see her.

    Speaking of living, there's been a lot of the opposite of late, but not for me. Fights at the gate against forces of the Hungry One... people fall often. If it's not the Hungry One it's something else it seeems.
    If not that, then during a peaceful, if not strained Druid meeting... we find that the Hive Queen Abby was spidernapped, and had to mount a rescue mission. It took two stages, a diversion from Dwin and his redcloaks to the Lost City , while the group of us at the meeting infiltrated the inner part and rescued Abby.

    We made it out without any losses, and all the fallen redcloaks in the costly diversionary battle were able to be recovered and thankfully brought back. It seems the Gods favor our efforts, but will it be enough?

    I stayed three days and nights below a tree.
    Or was it that long? My senses and mind cannot agree.
    It was dark everywhere, but I was able to see well enough, kept company only by a nymph, and the creaking of the rope above me. That sound was punctuated with the occasional gasping, choking noise and murmered prayer.

    I kept my vigil, stood guard, and howled defiance to the fates and support for my friend who gambled life for faith, and was proven worthy.

    Now... I know more about what needs to be done, and sit before our circlestone to pray. I will remain here until I can remember what needs to be remembered about the ritual, until it is my turn too.

    I wonder what dreams will come nestled in the swaying grip of the Great Tree?_


  • _I took another walk.

    Now, when I say walk, I need to remind myself what that means. I've found that I've got Wanderlust in a bad way sometimes… and that when I start walking, it's like I'm not even choosing my own path. I just plain... go.

    I went again, and walked most of the way to N'jast again, walking a path full of memories, choices, regret, and loss. I was on such a walk when I came across N'jast before... only to find that they were preparing for war. Wondering what our neighbors were preparing to go against, I entered the city as Druids do, and saw there was to see.

    It was there that I found that their general was Kara... and that my life had taken another abrupt change. One that caught me quite unawares and off-guard.

    So I walked that path again, to see what memories might show themselves again, so that I could deal with them here, instead of having them show up while I'm otherwise busy with the rest of my life, and get them out of my mind while I'm away from home and free to think.

    They didn't come.

    Of course, I thought about it some, but the thoughts passed as I watched a hawk wing high above in the sky, and I felt like I was in the hawk's place when I saw it plummet from the clouds towards it's prey. The rush of the wind, the screaming sound it makes as I rush past it, the pull of the earth as I angle up just enough not to hit the ground... and the Hawk does angle up, it's next meal in it's claws. My eyes follow it as it climbs, and fall upon a clearing I hadn't noticed before, just through some trees.

    It called to me. Not enough to draw me in... more like letting me know it was there. Druidic intuition.. or memory speaking to me? Thinking back, I know it to be both.

    I walked towards the clearing, noting the brilliantly colored butterflies fluttering about, and the strange plants that wove themselves between two trees, almost making an arch of sorts. The sunlight itself seemed to sing here, the wind whispered pleasantries and how-do-you-do's, the grass pushed me towards it, the pressure of one blade at a time. Yes, I know what this was.

    This, was a Trod.

    I've been to Avalon many times. I've been a part of a very big thing that happened in Avalon, and changed it in an equally big way. Being friends with the royal courts of the Sidhe isn't something to take lightly, but I welcome it with open arms. I trust them as much as any mortal could trust the fey, if not more than most. I have my reasons, and little qualms with any of them, and what better place for a relaxing walk, than the haunting roads of Avalon?

    I'll write the details of the walk later, and get to the important part... I'm back. And it's been a long, long time in the mortal realm since I left. Time moves differently here, and not always in the same direction, relative to our land's time. I could have ended up in the past, honestly, so I'm lucky this was all that happened. Years. About three? I'm not sure of what year it was when I left, but I know a long time has passed, despite knowing I only spent about three weeks in Avalon.

    Guess it's time to make a few apologies, and see what I've missed.
    I hope Kaetlyn will forgive me._


  • _Dammit.

    I have this habit of speaking my mind, and I hate beating around that proverbial bush, so I don't. Are people really so weak-willed and afraid of criticism that they'll leave the ranks of an organization that they're trying to join… a military organization, because somebody told them the truth?

    Recent trips east have proved interesting. One failed trip went badly with the arrival of somebody new, some halforc or another, who rushed ahead to kill the little demons, Quasits, making all kinds of noise and being ridiculous and laughing at his kills. Way to get the attention of demons, big ones, jackass.

    I immediately turned around and left, after my order not to fire until all were ready was ignored, and a mage was targeted intead of one of us, or the beast being taken down before it had a chance to respond. She fell unconcious to the ground, and if not for healing, she would have likely died. My fault for bringing people I don't fully know to such a dangerous place? Or their fault for lying to me about being able to follow orders?

    Sometimes I just don't know.

    We went back later, a few of us, after I told a little history of what I knew about the region, and the happenings that led to the way it is now. They seemed interested, Danika and Chasen especially. Chasen later mentioned something new, prompting us to take another trip.
    Apparently, the Gods or a God in general is fond of leaving a white rose in places that are seldom gone to, places where only the brave venture, and we went in search of one.

    Past Jiyyd, past the forest behind it, and into Ormpur, where the restless dead of soldiers past roam, haunt, and hunger for the death of the living. There we found a place I had never noticed before, and a struggling rose-bush, that looked to be having a very hard time surviving where it was. I aided in the removal of a single white rose from it, the stem cut properly so it could easily grow again, and I trimmed the rest of the bush in a similar fashion, to promote better growth all around.

    I felt the need to see this rosebush survive, stronger, a symbol of hope for any that come this way in the future, and blessed it with Mielikki's mercy, and added some magic from the glen into the soil itself, as well. I will be back to check on it soon, and I hope to see improvement.

    It's things like that, existing where nobody can see them unless they search, existing despite the harshness of the world and all in it, that gives me hope sometimes.

    Kaetlyn reminds me of that rose. She's a safe place I can go to, surviving in a world that seems to harsh for an existence that seems so out of place for someone so kind and caring. I hope I help her like I helped the rose, to grow and be healthy and happy in her life. I don't want what happened before, to happen again. Any of the things..._