3. The Chronicles of Pain: Life According to Jaelle

The Chronicles of Pain: Life According to Jaelle

  • R

    Journal Entry 648

    _I lie awake on a long, dark night
    I can't seem to tame my mind
    Slings and arrows are killing me inside
    Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
    No I can't accept the life that's mine

    Simple living is my desperate cry
    Been trading "love" with indifference yeah it suits me just fine
    I try to hold on but I'm calloused to the bone
    Maybe that's why I feel alone
    Maybe that's why I feel alone

    Me..I'm rusted and weathered
    Barely holding together
    I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal

    The sun shines and I can't avoid the light
    I think I'm holding on to life too tight
    Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
    Sometimes I feel like giving up
    Sometimes I feel like giving up

    Me…I'm rusted and weathered
    Barely holding together
    I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal

    The day reminds me of you
    The night hides your truth
    The earth is a voice
    Speaking to you
    Take all this pride
    And leave it behind
    Because one day it ends
    One day we die
    Believe what you will
    That is your right
    But I choose to win
    So I choose to fight
    To fight

    ~ Weathered by Creed ~_

    I tried to kill Drelan right before fight night. It's not something I'm proud of and I'm glad he was able to beat me down. It would not be good for me to go on a killing spree days after my ban was lifted in Norwick. I still don't completely comprehend what is causing the problem, but it only happens just as I wake up. I am guessing that it is a mix of my nightmares and blood lust causing me to tip over the edge in that short span of time where I have no control over myself. The odd thing, is that it has never happened once while with Jay.

    Jay…I wish he was here. I wonder a lot if has gone off on that quest he alluded too, and if he did, if he is alright. I'm afraid that I'll never know what will come of him. It drives me nuts at times. Especially when I am sitting here in our room at the Ferret alone. I lay here often with my eyes closed, and I can see him walking through that door, his eyes raking over me in ways that send shivers down my spine. I sometimes wake up in the middle of night, and I swear that I can feel his hand resting lightly on my hip. I hate all of this.

    It's so easy to pretend that I am happy, or unaffected by things when I'm really crying inside. I feel more alone now then I ever thought possible. I'm now able to socialize again, but I feel like a large part of me is missing. Where is the Jaelle I used to be? The one who fought off the gods? The woman who no matter how tough things got, would struggle on. Where is that woman?

    Brendel asked me before he left if I was going to be alright. I said I didn't know...but now, I think I know the answer and that answer is no. It's going to be a very long time before the wound in my heart is fully healed, if ever.

    I wonder if Brendel will ever come back.

    My thoughts are scattered these days. I feel like the pieces that I have put back together are slowly breaking apart again. I pray to Ilmater that I will not lose my mind again. That I won't lose myself. I wonder if I am fighting the inevitable. For the sake of my crew, let's hope not.

    I wrote a letter to Jay, but I'm not sure if he will ever get to read it. I hope he does because it would be nice if I had some way of telling him that I think about him often...

    My shift is about to start at the Ferret and I have a short errand to run. Best I pack up and go...

    She quickly closes the book and tucks it into her pack. She buckles on her armor, picks up her weapons and what appears to be a small bird cage. She heads out the door and sets a quick pace south and then turns into the gnoll woods. She fights her way through them to a small area of fallen stones that marks where a building used to stand. The walls crumbling and half there seem to shield her from prying eyes as she semi-hides the bird cage from the sight of gnolls. In the cage she places a wooden carving of a boat. She smiles slightly hoping that the person who this is intended for will get the symbolism of it all. With one last glance to make sure its hidden from outside eyes, she then turns and heads back to the Ferret for another night of brawling with the locals under the guise of being a bouncer.

  • R

    For everything there is a season,
    And a time for every matter under heaven:
    A time to be born, and a time to die;
    A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
    A time to kill, and a time to heal;
    A time to break down, and a time to build up;
    A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
    A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
    A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
    A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
    A time to seek, and a time to lose;
    A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
    A time to tear, and a time to sew;
    A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
    A time to love, and a time to hate,
    A time for war, and a time for peace.
    ~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8~

    She sits by the fire in the Copper's. Her feet propped up, a tattered leather bound journal on her lap and a quill in her hand. Her eyes seem to rest on a wooden carving of a blue jay balancing on her arm rest. A small smile graces her full lips as if a fond memory passes through her mind. She then bends her head and begins to scribble across the pages…

    Journal Entry 645

    You ever feel like you are being adored from afar? I do and it's a good feeling. I just wish there was some way I could reciprocate. To let this person know that I think of them often. That I am theirs for the taking when they are ready. It's not like me to sit and wait, but for now, that's all I can do. He knows how I feel and that should be all that matters, but I want to give him more then words and feelings. I want to show him everything that I was, am and could be. I want to be able to let him explore the deeper parts of my mind, heart and soul so he can see, just how he has rooted himself there. I wish things could have been different. But for now, I have to roll with the punches and bide my time…

    I got a letter from Brendel the other day. He seems to be doing well for himself and from the sounds of it, is adjusting to his heart ache better then I ever could. He is so much stronger then I am when it comes to matters of the heart. I haven't replied to his letter as I haven't decided if I should tell him about Alestra. If he wrote her as well then I'm sure she told him, but it would probably be best if he heard it from me first.

    I was asked the other day how Ilmater would let me be such a cold blooded killer. I explained that as long as I make their death's quick, then I am fulfilling my obligations. I just got a strange look and the person walked off. Am I wrong in my thinking? I don' t know...but I am still willing to sacrifice myself for Jay, Brendel and my crew. Does that count for anything? I guess I need to find a priest of the Broken One to talk this over. I'm not a priestess, so I don't have to follow dogma explicitly do I? I did chuckle though...They called me the worst Ilmateri ever. Maybe I am...

    Time for my shift at the Ferret. I'm starting to enjoy this bouncer gig. I get to throw people out doors and beat them senseless if I have too and not get reprimanded for it. It's kind of nice.

    She closes the journal and tucks the quill and the book into her pack. She stands up and picks up the wooden carving, cradling it in what looks be a loving embrace. She caresses it affectionately, a soft look on her face before she gently wraps it in a fur and tucks it into the safety of her bag. Still smiling, she saunters out of the Copper's and heads to Peltarch.

  • R

    Journal Entry 640

    _Are they calling for our last dance?
    I see it in your eyes. In your eyes.
    Same old moves for a new romance.
    I could use the same old lies, but I'll sing,
    Shine on, just, shine on!
    Close your eyes and they'll all be gone.
    They can scream and shout that they've been sold out,
    But it paid for the cloud that we're dancing on.
    So shine on. Just shine on!
    With your smile just as bright as the sun.
    'Cause they're all just slaves to the gods they made
    But you and I just shone.
    Just shone.
    And when silence greets my last goodbye,
    The words I need are in your eyes, and I'll sing.
    Shine On, just, shine on!
    Close your eyes and they'll all be gone.
    They can scream and shout that they've been sold out,
    But it paid for the cloud that we're dancing on.
    So shine on. Just shine on!
    With your smile just as bright as the sun.
    'Cause they're all just slaves to the gods they made,
    But you and I just shone.
    Just shone.

    ~Shine On by James Blunt~_

    He left me again, but this time…this time it's different. He said good-bye. It seems that outside forces are going to continually force us apart. But that's alright. He will always have my heart and I have his. That will never change regardless if we are dead or alive. The fuckers can try all they want to hurt us. They can try all they want to hide behind their lame assed laws. They will get theirs and Jay...ah my handsome Jay, he and I will always have each other. Even in death...So wherever you are my love, Shine On as I will be doing that here while I wait for you to return to me. And if you fall, then I know you will feel these words in your heart as you take your last breath. "In my wildest dreams, you always play the hero. In my darkest hour of night, you rescue me, you save my life."
    (By Bliss and Cerney)     I love you Jay. Always and Forever.

  • R

    Journal Entry 638

    _A heartbeat skip, relationship
    Inside a bubble bath
    An icing drip below your lip
    So we undo the math
    A sudden slip between
    My pathetic sedatives
    A real-life script of how
    Mistakes became our medicine, so

    Delay the hurtful words
    Of complicated overcast
    Please take the message that I'm
    Picking up my chin at last
    I said my confidence
    It gets stronger when you're next to me
    But we pray from miles away
    In quest for what we long to be

    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    (Still missing you)
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    (Still missing you)
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    But you're my everlasting friend
    Everlasting friend

    A heartbeat skip, relationship
    So we would stay up late
    A teardrop drip below your lip
    Beside the airport gate
    A sudden slip from where
    We used to be a year ago
    A real-life script of how
    Our hands would hold and not let go

    But delay the mournful words
    Of complicated overcast
    Please take the message
    That you taught me how to live at last
    But I said my confidence
    It gets stronger when you're next to me
    But we wave respect goodbye
    In quest for what we long to be, but

    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    (Still missing you)
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    (Still missing you)
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    But you're my everlasting friend

    Will you be coming home?
    (Everlasting friend)
    My everlasting friend, will you be coming home?
    (Everlasting friend)

    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    (Still missing you)
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    (Still missing you)
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again

    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    I just want to know that you'll be coming home
    I just want to know that you'll be coming home
    I just want to know that you'll be coming home
    I just want to know that you'll be coming home

    ~Everlasting Friend by Blue October~_

    I knew I would hurt him, I just never expected it to be like this. He told me not to feel guilty and that he knew what he was in for, but that still doesn't make it right. I'm a selfish person who doesn't care save for my own feelings. I wish I could right this wrong. I wish I could make him happy again, but he is right. He needs to piece himself back together again, and he will be stronger for it. I miss him already one of my only friends. I hope he comes back, and when he does, I hope I am still alive.

  • R

    Journal Entry 637

    _I think i've walked too close to love
    And now i'm falling in
    Theres so many things this weary soul can't take
    Maybe you just caught me by surprise
    The first time that i looked into your eyes

    There's a life inside of me
    That i can feel again
    It's the only thing that takes me
    Where i've never been
    I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
    It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
    Your arms feel like home
    Feel like home

    This life aint the fairy tale we both thought it would be
    But i can see your smiling face as it's staring back at me
    I know we both see these changes now
    I know we both understand somehow

    There's a life inside of me
    That i can feel again
    It's the only thing that takes me
    Where i've never been
    I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
    It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
    Your arms feel like home
    They feel like home
    (hold on, you're home to me)

    There's a life inside of me
    That i can feel again
    It's the only thing that takes me
    Where i've never been
    I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
    It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
    Your arms feel like home
    They feel like home

    ~Your Arms Feel Like Home - 3 Doors Down~_

    He kept his promise. He came back to me. I don't know how and I really don't care, because he is here. Now. Laying in the bed across the room from me sleeping. I can't believe he is here. Hell, for a time, I thought he was just a figment of my crazed mind, but he is real. I can't get enough of touching him, looking at him. It's surreal. It's a fucking miracle. I've never loved someone as much as I love him. I don't want let him leave my sight, but I won't suffocate him. He just came back. He needs time to adjust and to get back into his routine. And no matter how hard it is for me to separate myself from him, he needs his time alone as do I.

    I need to find Brendel and talk with him. My poor badger…I knew I would hurt him at some point, I just never thought it would be like this. I hope he can forgive me as he is one of the closest things I have to a best friend I have ever had.

    Oh...Jay is waking up...time to remind myself that he is real...

  • R

    Journal Entry 636

    _The lunatic is on the grass.
    The lunatic is on the grass.
    Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
    Got to keep the loonies on the path.

    The lunatic is in the hall.
    The lunatics are in my hall.
    The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
    And every day the paper boy brings more.

    And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
    And if there is no room upon the hill
    And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
    I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

    The lunatic is in my head.
    The lunatic is in my head
    You raise the blade, you make the change
    You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.
    You lock the door
    And throw away the key
    There's someone in my head but it's not me.

    And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
    You shout and no one seems to hear.
    And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
    I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

    "I can't think of anything to say except…
    I think it's marvelous! HaHaHa!"

    ~Brain Damage by Pink Flyod~_

    ===============================================

    Her handwriting on this page of the journal, is wild and everywhere. It's almost like a child has gone crazy with a crayon across the page. Poorly sketched and half finished images of Jay are everywhere, words mingled in between.

    I've cracked…can't get him out of my head...but do I really want his voice gone? Do I really want to stop seeing him every where I turn? He's mine...I don't want to let go....

    Brendel. He won't leave. I feel so much guilt. I fear I'm using him to try and forget. To try and keep the rage at bay. But I can't walk away. I tried. I am so weak.

    Focus on the goal Jaelle...focus...

  • R

    Journal Entry 635

    “Oh how I long for the days that have gone by where laughter, love and companionship were all that was needed. Where the lines of truth were vivid and bright, and the dark whisperings of tortured souls were left to stand in the cold and watch with bitter longing as we frolicked and played. The years have passed and all that is left is the acrid taste of sorrow and the blurred lines of the so called truth. The coldness of this reality is beyond all understanding save for those who live it. There is always hope in this darkness that we envelope ourselves in. Hope that the solace of the warmth we once knew would return, and the lines that were once blurred would become solid. Hope that order will come amongst the chaos and the world will be bright again. Oh how I long to wear those rose coloured glasses again.” ~ Jessica Petersen ~

    I've lost my mind, or at least I think I have. I see flickers of Jay in the corner of my eye as I go about my daily chaotic routine. I fight something, I hear his voice offering advice on how to block or swing my axe better or which part of my enemy is weakest. I try to escape it all by shutting down and going by instinct, but nothing seems to stop the voices, images or the pain. I can't fathom, even with Ilmater's help, how I am going to overcome all of this. How can you get past the pain, when all you hear or see is the one person you lived and died for at every turn?

    I see the looks people give me. I hear the whispers. “Jaelle is cracked….Give her a wide berth....Don't do anything to provoke her...” My personal favorite, “Leave now if you value your life...” Do people really value their lives? It seems everyone is desensitized to death here. They all seem to turn a blind eye to it when all everyone says, “Don't worry, I'll just come back when called.” But what happens when that person doesn't come back when called? It's unheard of. A rare exception to the rule in these parts and everyone takes it for granted. Every single last person. Me included.

    People try to relate to my pain, but I don't think anyone really can. “I lost my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/father/mother...I understand....blah blah blah blah...” Do you really? Do you really know what its like to be me? To have walked the cold unfeeling paths that I have and to finally meet that one person who can break through every barrier you have created and install a small beacon of light into a blackened heart? I don't think any of them do or understand the depths of which his death has broken me.

    Brendel...he is ever at my side, and I am grateful for that. But even in my grief, I worry about how this all effects him and whether or not it is wise of me to continue to have him by my side. I miss him when he isn't around, but I'm not sure how long he will be able to cope with the fact that I could never love him. Not in the way that he would like me too...I fear I will break him, just as I am broken...Maybe I should have a talk with Jerrick about all of this. He knows Brendel better then I do, and is usually pretty insightful about things.

    Urg...I hear his voice again...blinding rage should cure it I think....

  • R

    Letters from a Broken Heart

    _Sometimes life seems too quiet
    Into paralyzing silence
    Like the moonless dark
    Meant to make me strong

    Familiar breath of my old lies
    Changed the color in my eyes
    Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

    Sorrow lasts through this night
    I'll take this piece of you
    And hold for all eternity
    For just one second I felt whole
    As you flew right through me

    Left alone with only reflections of the memory
    To face the ugly girl
    That's smothering me
    Sitting closer than my pain
    He knew each tear before it came
    Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

    Sorrow lasts through this night
    I'll take this piece of you
    And hold for all eternity
    For just one second I felt whole
    As you flew right through me

    And we kiss each other one more time
    And sing this lie that's halfway mine
    The sword is slicing through the question
    So I won't be fooled by his angel light

    Sorrow lasts through this night
    I'll take this piece of you
    And hold for all eternity
    For just one second I felt whole
    As you flew right through me
    And up into the stars

    Joy will come.
    ~Sorrow by Flyleaf~_

    My Dearest Jay,

    I saw you today. You looked as handsome and as hard as ever. That burning aching hunger to touch you, to feel you, to get lost in your eyes consumed me to the point that I couldn't look away. Then I blinked…and you were gone...I lost myself when you died. I'm no longer whole or complete. I'm just an empty shell of who I used to be. Gods I miss you.

    You would be proud of me. Plans are taking shape of avenging your death. The fuckers will pay for what they did to you, to me, to us. It's the only thing keeping me going, this burning hate.

    I hear your voice in my head, telling me to hold onto this rage. To see this through to the end. I vow to you with all of my missing and blackened heart, I will get our revenge. I will see this through to the very end.

    I love you...

    Jaelle

  • R

    Journal Entry 634

    The darkness in my soul still lingers
    Slowly creeping into the depths of my heart
    Stealing away what little light had started to grow there.
    I try to keep it at bay
    But my will is proving to be weak.
    ~Darkness by Jessica Petersen~

    How much more of this can I take? The anger…the hate...the pain and sorrow so deep that I feel as if someone took a dull spoon and cut out my heart. I feel heartless...cold....and believe it or not, indecisive about what I want. I want to be with someone, but I don't. I don't want to be alone. I think that's why I keep Brendel around, besides the fact that he doesn't constantly badger me about my feelings. He seems to accept the fact that I can't give him what he wants and deserves. I don't want to hurt him, but I can't keep my distance from him either. He is the floating log that I cling to, to avoid drowning. Locrian seems to think that I am smitten with Brendel. Am I? I don't know...

    It's been nearly 4 months since HE died and I still feel like it was only yesterday that Jack came tearing into the warehouse with his lifeless body...and my heart being ripped out of me...I will have my revenge...the fuckers don't realize that they have screwed with the wrong group...they don't know what pain is, but they will find out...oh they will find out...Revenge shall be mine...

    Hold onto this rage Jaelle...its the only thing that will keep you going...

  • R

    The Rage

    Let the bodies hit the floor
    Let the bodies hit the floor
    Let the bodies hit the floor
    Let the bodies hit the floor

    1…2...3...4...
    Kill...

    Beaten, why for (why for)
    Can't take much more
    Here we go here we go here we go, now

    Rage…

    One, nothing wrong with me

    Heart…

    Two, nothing wrong with me

    Ripped

    Three, nothing wrong with me

    Out

    Four, nothing wrong with me

    Betrayed

    One, something's got to give
    Two, something's got to give
    Three, something's got to give
    Now!

    Revenge

    Let the bodies hit the floor
    Let the bodies hit the floor
    Let the bodies hit the floor

    5…6...7...
    Sweat in my eyes

    Let the bodies hit the floor
    Let the bodies hit the floor
    Let the bodies hit the floor
    Now!

    7…8...9...
    All I see is red.

    Push me again (again)
    This is the end
    Here we go here we go here we go, now

    Pushed to the edge

    One, nothing wrong with me

    Heart…

    Two, nothing wrong with me

    Ripped

    Three, nothing wrong with me

    Out

    Four, nothing wrong with me

    Betrayed

    One, something's got to give
    Two, something's got to give
    Three, something's got to give
    Now!

    Revenge

    Let the bodies hit the floor
    Let the bodies hit the floor
    Let the bodies hit the floor

    10…11...12...
    I'm covered in blood..

    Let the bodies hit the floor
    Let the bodies hit the floor
    Let the bodies hit the floor

    13…14...15...
    I can't see reason...

    Skin to skin, blood and bone

    Mine to take

    You're all by yourself but you're not alone

    Left behind…

    You wanted in and now you're here

    On the verge…

    Driven by hate, consumed by fear

    of losing my mind…

    Let the bodies hit the floor

    16…
    Watch my axe breeze through the air

    Let the bodies hit the floor

    17…
    My hands jar with the impact of flesh

    Let the bodies hit the floor

    18…
    Hot blood splattering across my face

    Let the bodies hit the floor

    19…
    It feels so good...

    One, nothing wrong with me

    Why do I smile?

    Two, nothing wrong with me

    Death cries echoing around me

    Three, nothing wrong with me

    Revenge

    Four, nothing wrong with me

    It tastes so sweet

    One, something's got to give

    I have lost

    Two, something's got to give

    control

    Three, something's got to give

    No going back…

    Let the bodies hit the floor

    20..
    I

    Let the bodies hit the floor

    21…
    am

    Let the bodies hit the floor

    22…
    hate...

    Let the bodies hit the floor

    23…
    Death

    Let the bodies hit the floor

    24…
    my only

    Let the bodies hit the floor

    25…
    release

    Hey… Go!
    Hey... Go!
    Hey... Go!
    Hey... Go!
    Hey... Go!

    Let the Bodies Hit the Floor by Drowning Pool is all in Italics…

  • R

    Journal Entry 633

    The script on this page varies drastically from her previous writings. It looks as if her unbearable pain is bleeding through and causing her writing to look erratic and out of control.

    I'm not a bard, but while trying to drown out a conversation that felt like it was ripping me in half, I stumbled across words that seem to fit my very tortured existance…Jerrick carried me away before I could finish it, but in writing it down, I was able to...

    Life it seems, will fade away
    Drifting further every day
    Getting lost within myself
    Nothing matters no one else
    I have lost the will to live
    Simply nothing more to give
    There is nothing more for me
    Need the end to set me free

    Things are not what they used to be
    Missing one inside of me
    Deathly lost, this cant be real
    Cannot stand this hell I feel
    Emptiness is filling me
    To the point of agony
    Growing darkness taking dawn
    I was me, but now hes gone

    No one but me can save myself, but its too late
    Now I cant think, think why I should even try

    Yesterday seems as though it never existed
    Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

    ~Fade to Black by Metallica~

    Wet splotches stain the paper and smears some of the ink

  • R

    ((Warning, this entry will be rather long…Also, I would like to thank Brendel for coming up with this story arc and writing most of it. It's amazing and thank you for inspiring me.))

    Keep the Faith

    _How do I stop the rising tide

    When all seems lost

    This wall around me is crumbling

    Exposing my darkest thoughts

    The sun is shining

    But I stand in shadow

    The world keeps turning

    But I stand still

    Chaos rages within me

    Nothing can stop it

    So tired of this endless cycle

    When will the seasons change

    Hope

    I am quickly losing it

    Gone…

    ~Untitled by Jessica Petersen~_

    She sat quietly, at her usual table at the Ferret. Her grey eyes flat, her face slack and pale. She sits there staring blankly at a bottle of Risky, seemingly lost in some thought or other. She absently takes a long pull from the bottle and sets it back on the table. She shifts in her chair, and looks over at the spot where Jay normally stood while on duty as a bouncer. She blinks a few times and frowns as she swears she sees him standing there. She rubs her eyes and stands up and stumbles a few feet as her vision begins to cloud over. She sinks to the ground with a clank, her eyes closing as she slips into a drugged sleep, visions of Jay dancing on the inside of her eyelids.

    Several hours later…The sound of a heavy coin bag dropping on a wooden plank makes her twitch. She groans slightly and reaches up to rub her head when she hears a familiar voice, pitched low and slightly heavier then usual.

    "How long will she be out? The trip is almost complete and I need her mobile."

    A thick guttural voice answers,

    "Soons. See? it moves alreadies"

    She rolls onto her back, struggling to open her eyes. She sits up slowly, her arms wrapping around her legs as she pulls them close. She blinks a few times as she realizes she is no longer wearing her armor. She looks around frantically for her axe and lets out a little cry when she can't find it. Her eyes fall on the back of a familiar figure clad in nondescript dark clothing and a cloak that seems to shifts shades with the shadows. As her eyes travel across his body she notices he is gripping a black bladed, bone handled bastard sword hidden one handed behind his back while he faces two hulking half orcs. She overhears the familiar voice say,

    "Very well. Your pay." motions to a heavy bag on deck_"take it and head below decks immediately. The boat will return you north to Peltarch ….one more thing, I am grateful for your assistance."_ <theivescant>"I will spread your names as men of worth."

    One of the brutes bends over and swoops up the bag of gold. He nods slightly at the slight figure, then with his buddy, they scurry below deck. The familiar figure then turns smoothly on his heel, while sheathing his blade in one movement. His eyes dark in the evening light as he gazes on Jaelle.

    Her grey eyes narrow as she recognizes the man standing before her. Her thoughts going wild. Brendel….betrayal...kill... Her fists clenching, she grinds her teeth as he speaks.

    "My apologies Jaelle, I am privy to much that goes on in Narfell. I have a particular interest in you." frowns slightly "In your redemption. So when certain pieces of …bad news came my way, I thought I should take steps to...help keep your priorities straight."

    She flinches slightly as he kneels next to her, offering her some food and water. She looks at him for a very long moment, as if debating on whether to choke him or not. She unclench-es her fists and takes the water and the food. His eyes twinkling at her, he continues with his little speech.

    "I had you drugged, you'll be a little woozy, drink, eat, we have a long night still. I was fairly confident that I would not be able to get you here on my own, nor overpower you. Hence the brutes and drugs."

    She grunts at his confession watching him stand then move with a lithe grace over to the boat railing. Looking back at the food, her stomach growls audibly and with a ferociousness she hasn't shown in awhile she devours the food as he continues to talk to her.

    "We are pulling up now. After our little trip your weapons and armor will be returned to you, as well as safe, fast passage back to Oscura or Peltarch."

    A canopy of branches passes overhead, nearly simultaneous with the sound of the boat being grounded. Brendel takes a moment, then lets out a distinctive nightbird call, which is soon answered. Jaelle cocks her head at the sound and stands up, wiping the remnants of her meal off her lap. She looks at Brendel expectantly.

    With a wave of his hand he motions her to his side.

    "Come with me, quickly.”

    Brendel jumps down onto the shore then turns back offering his hand to Jaelle as she quickly follows. He then turns to the darkened woods and waits, an expectant look on his face.

    A man appears, barely visible in the slight light coming over the side of the boat. Obviously some sort of woodsman, his eyes flick back and forth a moment before settling on Brendel. In the dim light Jaelle could just make out the flick of rapid, graceful hand movements.

    <sign>you have done as asked?

    The woodsman nods.

    ~~I assume the favors I have done you are suitable recompense for the trouble?

    The Woodsman nods once again.

    ~~My thanks

    Brendel inclines his head to the woodsman, before turning to Jaelle, pitching his voice low.

    "This man has cleared our path of enemies, so one not accustomed to silent travel may pass unnoticed. He did it without shedding blood."

    Brendel lowers his head a moment murmuring then reaches out and touches Jaelle's arm. She blinks as the nightvision spell takes hold, her eyes roving rapidly across the landscape until she notices a lank wolf standing very close to her and Brendel. She nudges Brendel and points, not really showing fear, but as a warning of what could happen. Smiling reassuringly Brendal motions to the wolf.

    "My friend will ensure your safety. Please, be patient and bear with me."

    As they travel in the woods, the night vision allowing her to study Brendel, she notices a deep sadness etched in his face and his eyes. She frowns slightly to herself, debating whether or not she should say something. After roughly an hour she begins to hear the sounds of a very lively camp. Sounds drift across the air of a language she can barely make out. As they get closer to the camp, she begins to make out some of the words. Her eyes widen as they approach the treeline and her eyes gaze upon what appears to be a goblin village. Her eyes narrow at Brendel and then she turns back to the village and studies it for weaknesses. Seeing the loose picket of sentries, poorly spaced and seemingly not caring for their guard duty she grins coldly and reaches for her axe. When her hand pats her hip, she looks down and snarls slightly as she remembers she has been stripped of her beloved axe.

    Brendel seeing this, leans in very close, his breath dancing across her ear in a barely audible whisper.

    "This is what I wanted to show you"

    He pauses briefly as if he is trying to word things right.

    "I did something evil, to these poor folk. I killed many of them one night. Not just the warriors. the women, children."

    As he motions to the village, her eyes follow and she gasps slightly at what she sees.

    The Village is squalid in every sense of the word, there are several large fires with raucous groups of goblins around them. Once the eye becomes accustomed to the larger view, other details come into focus.

    Most of the 'houses' are mere lean-to's. There are many smaller fires, with goblins around them…These goblins are small and sickly. Sores cover them. All are ill clothed and pitiful looking. Goblin children roam almost vacant eyed, some toting small dolls.

    She looks back at Brendel, her brow furrowing as she sees his eyes shining darkly with restrained emotion.

    "I do not see them as monsters anymore. …I have made a few big decisions, decisions you helped inspire in me"

    He turns and locks eyes with hers, his shoulders taught.

    "I no longer kill on a whim. These are people to me, until proven enemies. I kill now only in defense of myself or others. I go further then that though"

    He breaks from her gaze and turns slightly to look back at the village as if he is looking for something.

    "I bring them aid. Clothing, water, dolls, food. some alcohol too. Only a few goblins know of this, they do not trust my reasons, but accept 'free' gifts. The gifts help keep them in power too. It is my wish, to learn their language and one day be able to aid more directly."

    He looks back at Jaelle briefly, and then turns back to looking at the inhabitants of the village. She studies him quietly, wondering all the while why he is doing this to her.

    "You gave me Hope. You helped me a bit, with the example you set. But, when my …feelings, are stirred up, I want very badly to do what I do best. Find trouble, which plainly, means Blood."

    Brendel stiffens slightly as his eyes lock on a nearby shinbiter. A serious look on his face he opens his mouth and begins a disturbingly loud pig impression. Making sounds as if rooting and snorting. He carries on convincingly enough that the Goblin gets an alarmed expression on its face and scurries off. Jaelle looks on in shock and then gives herself a little shake as he turns back to Jaelle, a pained look deep in his eyes.

    _"I even slipped…not long ago...it was very...bad."

    "You are a strong woman."_

    She snorts in response to the comment, watching as his eyes gleem with a feral light.

    "My point in all this, is that, you have to stay on the path you have chosen, you are not yet Illmatari, but your actions have touched so many already"

    He motions again to the village.

    "These are just a small example. I do what I do because you have shown me hope. If you falter now….fail in your course...what hope is there left for me? How long until I become twisted up? And people like these, and others closer to me, are killed or worse?"

    As Brendel speaks a hobbled Goblin approaches, obviously some sort of Shaman; the shinbiter cowering behind it. The Shaman mutters words of magic and an acid spell sizzles into the trees above them. The Shaman gets a satisfied air about it and heads closer, the Shinbiter hanging back.

    Brendel stands enough to be seen by the Shaman, who stops just staring at the Elf. Brendel slowly lowers a pack to the ground opening it. The Shaman steps up, takes what looks like fresh cooked pork from the pack, and shoulders the pack itself. It turns and heads back into the village, the Shinbiter giving a triumphant yell when it sees the cooked pork. Brendel watches them for a long moment, his lips curled in amusement.

    "They eat the grapevines finest pork loin…..I wonder if they ever question how the shamans acid makes such a tender cut..."

    He chuckles slightly and then turns back to Jaelle, his face turning serious.

    "I have heard rumors, about Jay, about you wandering the streets muttering threats. My message is this: Keep your new found faith. Strengthen it with this sorrow. If you fall now…so much hope will crumble to dust."

    Jaelle listens to all of this silently, her face a cool mask, hiding the chaotic emotions that boil deep inside her. At the mention of Jay, she visibly flinches and withdraws into herself. Her shoulders slumping and seemingly turning into a shell of her former vibrant self. She can't even bring herself to look at Brendel. When he turns and rejoins his wolf, she silently follows. Her footsteps heavy. They traverse back to the boat in silence. Jaelle seemingly lost in dark and torturous thoughts the entire time. When they approach the boat, she notices that all her gear is spread out waiting for her, with a bottle of tea and another bottle of Spirits sitting on top of her pack. She climbs up into the boat and looks back at Brendel, her expression grave and expectant.

    "Change quickly, and tell the man where you want to go." indicates man at large rudder "The second effect of the drugs will pass soon…compliance. And I would not wish to have you at my throat..."

    She glares at him her teeth grinding loudly as Brendel winks at her, a small smile on his face.

    "Remember…keep the Faith"

    Brendel then turns and walks into the undergrowth, fading into it like a ghost.~~~~</sign></theivescant>

  • R

    Journal Entry 618

    _"On the ground I lay motionless in pain
    I can see my life flashing before my eyes
    Dead I fall asleep, is this all a dream
    Wake me up, I'm living a nightmare

    I will not die
    (I will not die)
    I will survive"

    ~Excerpt from Time Of Dying by Three Days Grace~_

    I've seen and done many gruesome things in my life, but what happened to me doesn't even begin to cover the word gruesome. Perhaps horrifying would be a better word. It's definitely the stuff nightmares are made out of. I just wish I could put what happened to me to words, but for me to write it down would make it more real. I think for now I would just rather pretend it was all a dream. Nothing more then a figment of my twisted mind. But how do I explain the scars if it's not real? So much for deluding myself…I think part of what bothers me is the fact that those closest to me had to witness it. I see how they suffer because of what happened and I can't help but feel guilty about it. My choices caused them all to suffer. How farken selfish of me. How can I make it up to them? How can I help ease their nightmares and pain? Ilmater help me...

  • R

    Journal Entry 613

    A simple lyrical prose graces the page of her journal…it seems that in her mind it needs no explanation...

    Grace Of God Go I by Flogging Molly

    Lookin' down through a tide of no return
    Is a field where the crops no longer grow
    Parched is the land, strangled an' be damned
    There for the Grace Of God Go I

    Down beside where the riverbed sleeps
    Is a man not knowin' what he should feel
    Mocked by the wave that beats the waters edge
    There for the Grace Of God Go I

    If I ever hurt another like thee again
    I would drown myself beneath your name
    Lost was the child, we all once did hide
    There for the Grace Of God Go I

  • R

    Journal Entry 610

    There is no disguise that can for long conceal love where it exists or simulate it where it does not.
    ~Francois De La Rochefoucauld~

    Ilmater forgive me for what I have done…

    I ended my relationship with Locrian. Not because I don't love him, but because my heart belongs to another and the sad truth is that it always has. I thought I was doing the right thing by choosing Locrian over Jay, but I was lying to myself. The end result being hat I had made myself miserable and hurt a person I care deeply about. Perhaps in time he will forgive me as Jay has, but a part of me thinks he won't. It would be best if I moved back to Oscura, to allow him time to heal. However, my current affliction has made it difficult for me to travel very far. I wish things could have been different, but in the long scheme of things, I did the right thing.

    My faith in Ilmater grows in leaps and bounds. I feel that he is with me, helping to shoulder this burden of pain I have been inflicted with. It is such a comfort to me to know that I am actually cared about versus being a tool to meet someone else's cruel goals. I hope I do not disappoint.

    My relationship with Jay has deepened to a level that I never thought possible. His quiet, hesitant admission that he loved me was more then I could ever dream of. Every time I think about that night, my breath catches in my throat and my heart begins to sing. Jay and I have been down a long bumpy road together. I am hoping that we will both finally find peace and comfort with each other.

  • R

    Journal Entry 607

    Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. ~Steve Jobs~

    I never expected my time to be so short, I knew I was going to die, but just wasn't expecting it so soon. So imagine my surprise when I found myself standing next to Cassius in the place where mortal souls wait to be judged or to be called back to life on the material plane. Yes I remember his name along with my stay there. I apparently have been given a gift to remember my time there and to remember the sacrifice I made in order to save someone else.

    His name is Brendel, the lad I sacrificed part of myself for, and he was standing there in the fugue with me. The poor lad seemed so lost, so confused. My heart went out to him and so I prayed to Ilmater to ease his suffering and return him to his proper form. Unfortunately for me, I didn't notice until my prayers were done that the lad had vanished. It was at that point that I saw her. Some winged creature with a heated gaze. She offered to cure Brendel of his affliction in exchange for my soul. I was torn. Even though I wanted to save the lad, I could not in good conscious give up my soul and the freedom to chose my own way. So the strange lass disappeared calling me foolish. Perhaps I am foolish, but at least I'll never bow to a strange power for the rest of my tortured existence. And that was what I was telling myself when someone else approached with a deafening roar and blinding light. She appeared shocked that I didn't the easy way as she called it. She even stated that it was rare for them to see someone like myself seek redemption. I explained to her my problems with guilt, and she only replied that it will be my burden to bare. Then she was gone. It wasn't long after that I felt a tug upon my soul and found myself staring into the dark caverns of Oscura.

  • R

    A Path Chosen

    _Pick a side, you made your mind up long ago
    The past is dead, but in your head it’s hard to let it go
    Excuses made no longer will define you (define you)
    Empty threats have hung you once again
    With open eyes you tranquilize your confidence
    Room is black no looking back, the cost of self expense
    Step away and look inside your sickness (sickness)
    And realize you’re all alone

    When the world that you created
    Makes you fall face down and meet your bitter end
    And you’re sifting through the wreckage
    You can build it up or burn it down again

    Lined up all your sins and then you shot them one by one
    You sacrificed your common sense, it’s over said and done
    Deception and disaster always find you (find you)
    And leave you dying all alone

    In the darkest shadow, will you find your way
    Is there hope or are you stuck here in this
    World that you created, when you fall face down and meet your bitter end
    And you’re sifting through the wreckage
    You can build it up or burn it down again.

    ~Burned by Fall From Grace~_

    On one of the many beaches of the Ice Lace Lake, Jaelle stacks drift wood into a large pile and lights it. She sinks down into the sand, her knees tucked under her chin and gazes into the roaring flames. Her face is one of deep thought and riddled with indecision.

    The sun begins to set turning the dark water into a vast reflecting pool of deep purples and pinks, she slowly stands and strips off her clothes. Her jaw set, she wades into the icy water until it fully surrounds her naked body save for her head. Taking a deep breath, she dunks herself under the water and resurfaces, wiping the water from her eyes. She gazes out over the water, determination written on her face and yet a hint of fear glints in her eyes. With one final dunking, she turns and walks back onto the beach. She stands just at the edge of the surf, the water lapping at her toes. Water droplets bead down her bronzed and heavily scarred skin reflecting the dying light like ice crystals. She raises her muscular arms above her head, her head tilting back and cries out in a powerful voice, “Umberlee, Bitch Queen, Fury of the seas, I call upon thee to witness the changing of a blackened heart!”

    At her summons, a wall of black clouds converges over the beach. The smell of ozone permeates the air and with a loud crack, lightening strikes a tree 50 yards behind her. Swallowing her fear, her feet shifting in the sand, she stands definitely her arms still raised above her head.

    “You have given me a new chance at life when no one else would. But instead of allowing me to find my own way I have been forced upon a path of hatred, malice, destruction, fear and death. From this day forward, I will no longer follow the path you have laid out for me!”

    The water in front of her begins to churn violently as she yells out her defiance. She grabs her holy symbol from around her neck and with a swift tug, snaps the chain from around her neck. She holds the symbol high above her head and cries.

    “Umberlee! I turn my back on thee!”

    She throws her holy symbol far out over the water and there it hovers as if it was caught by an unseeing hand. With a deafening roar a water spout consumes the holy symbol and moves menacingly towards the shore.

    As the last ray of light sheds across the turbulent waters and upon her determined face, she slaps her hands together and screams, “So mote it be!”

    Then darkness fell upon her eyes, and she saw no more.

  • R

    Journal Entry 601

    Gift of Flesh by Def Leppard
    I am all destiny, a trade, a grain of sand
    I am the lesson to be learned
    I take the throat of innocence and leave decay
    I stain the way for all to see
    No fear, no voice, no reason
    In God no guiding light
    When all the guilt that's in your head
    Turns its back and plays for dead
    You scorch the earth and torch the sky
    Conscience low with head held high
    Indulge and multiply and sacrifice
    As lack of breath chokes underground
    Divulge, degenerate the darker side
    From windows watch the screaming sky…

    I tried to leave the Sail's. I even handed over my keys to Drelan and cleaned out my bunk, but then I ran into Sabre. We argued heavily about my leaving. She went on and on about Taria and standing by her when she fell from grace and how they would do the same for me. I argued my point of trying to save my family from suffering the same fate as I and even to me, my argument seemed weak.

    Jay was right, I was running away. But not because things were to hard to handle with Umberlee and my changing heart, but because of him. That aside, the entire time I argued with Sabre, my heart cried out ot surrender and fall to her feet and ask for forgiveness. I couldn't though. So I said I would stay but would keep my distance.

    Things with Jay aren't getting any easier. His accusations of my using him, even though false, still cut deeply. He truly believes that and I feel horrible guilt that he feels that way. I'm not sure how to rectify that belief. Part of me wants to scream at him that I only did what he has done to me on numerous occasions but I know that would fall on deaf ears and possibly make things worse.

    I am guilt ridden.

    I'm having a hard time watching Jay descend in darkness knowing that I've helped him fall. It seems like his boyish innocence is gone and now all that is left is a brute of man. I can't change what I have done, but I can't help but wonder what would have been if I had done things differently.

    Locrian has been steadfast and my rock as I pull myself from the wreckage of what has been my life. Even though I am steeped full of guilt and misery he still loves me and coaches me along. He is my one blessing in life and I am ever so thankful he is a part of it.

  • R

    As the Narf Turns
    Journal Entry 600

    Locrian is back and I don't know what to do. I told him I would end it with Jay, and I did, but I'm not sure I did the right thing. Especially after how Jay treated me the other night. The whole thing was ~amazing~. I hurt Jay. I saw that in the way he walked off but I still don't know if he could ever really love me. I've always been his fall back, his safety net. The one person he can count on to help alleviate his loneliness…but love? I know he was trying and I wanted to give him a chance...I love Jay...

    Then there is Locrian. My Lathanderite. Part of me does love him and I think I could learn to love him as he does me. I do worry though that with his affiliation with me, that it will cause a problem with his friends. What I can't believe is that I am even worrying about stupid shit like that. It's almost as if he is chiseling away at my blackened heart and shining a light through the cracks. It feels good but in an uncomfortable sort of way.

    I am expecting some kind of punishment from the Queen for my involvement with a Lathanderite. I'm half expecting to start losing my blessings. She has no love for Lathander and my associating with one of his followers on a romantic livel would be considered blasphemy and a betrayal. Especially since I am not trying to corrupt him or convert him to her ways.

    I've never been given the chance to choose for myself. My "beliefs" if that's what you want to call it, has always been dictated by someone else. Maybe it's time I take control of my life and stop letting the ods dictate who I should be...If I do this, the Queen's wrath will be harsh. Perhaps it would be best if I go into seclusion or leave the Sail's all together. If I forsake the one god who saved me from another, it could potentially cause the Queen's punishment to bleed over to them. I am loathe to leave them as they are my family now, but for their safety I just might have too.

    On a different note...

    I was walking to the Ferret one afternoon when a young woman crossed my path. I had to a double take as when I first glanced at her, she had this odd shape to her front. It was then I realized that she was carrying a small bundle wrapped in a cloth and slung over her shoulder and across her chest. Before I turned away I heard a small cry coming from this bundle and the woman immediately pulled it out. I couldn't help but stare in surprise and shock as the woman was holding a baby. The way she held him and soothed his little cries touched even my black heart and for the first time in my cold hearted existence, I felt regret for not being able to have a child.

  • R

    Journal Entry 574

    ~ For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

    I have changed. I am “softer” as Jay put it. I'm not sure if it is due to Locrian's influence, or my year in jail in Damara. Perhaps it is both. Either way, Jay seems to like the change. Which confuses me to no end. We had a rather long intimate conversation yesterday while training in the Gnoll woods. It was shocking to me how open he was about his failings, regrets and his desires. I'm not sure what to make of it all. He has changed, but not sure in which manner he has changed. I told him if he is interested in me, that he will have to woo me. I have to admit I am laughing about that as the only person who really wooed me is Locrian. Locrian…I miss the crazy Lathanderite. I am not sure what I would do if Jay and I come together and Locrian returns. Locrian has brought out the lady in me, but Jay and I have a history that is rather, well, explosive. Ah well. There is no use worrying about what may or may not happen. We will see how things unfold...