The Chronicles of Pain: Life According to Jaelle
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Letters from a Broken Heart
_Sometimes life seems too quiet
Into paralyzing silence
Like the moonless dark
Meant to make me strongFamiliar breath of my old lies
Changed the color in my eyes
Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and bySorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through meLeft alone with only reflections of the memory
To face the ugly girl
That's smothering me
Sitting closer than my pain
He knew each tear before it came
Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and bySorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through meAnd we kiss each other one more time
And sing this lie that's halfway mine
The sword is slicing through the question
So I won't be fooled by his angel lightSorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through me
And up into the starsJoy will come.
~Sorrow by Flyleaf~_My Dearest Jay,
I saw you today. You looked as handsome and as hard as ever. That burning aching hunger to touch you, to feel you, to get lost in your eyes consumed me to the point that I couldn't look away. Then I blinked…and you were gone...I lost myself when you died. I'm no longer whole or complete. I'm just an empty shell of who I used to be. Gods I miss you.
You would be proud of me. Plans are taking shape of avenging your death. The fuckers will pay for what they did to you, to me, to us. It's the only thing keeping me going, this burning hate.
I hear your voice in my head, telling me to hold onto this rage. To see this through to the end. I vow to you with all of my missing and blackened heart, I will get our revenge. I will see this through to the very end.
I love you...
Jaelle
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Journal Entry 634
The darkness in my soul still lingers
Slowly creeping into the depths of my heart
Stealing away what little light had started to grow there.
I try to keep it at bay
But my will is proving to be weak.
~Darkness by Jessica Petersen~How much more of this can I take? The anger…the hate...the pain and sorrow so deep that I feel as if someone took a dull spoon and cut out my heart. I feel heartless...cold....and believe it or not, indecisive about what I want. I want to be with someone, but I don't. I don't want to be alone. I think that's why I keep Brendel around, besides the fact that he doesn't constantly badger me about my feelings. He seems to accept the fact that I can't give him what he wants and deserves. I don't want to hurt him, but I can't keep my distance from him either. He is the floating log that I cling to, to avoid drowning. Locrian seems to think that I am smitten with Brendel. Am I? I don't know...
It's been nearly 4 months since HE died and I still feel like it was only yesterday that Jack came tearing into the warehouse with his lifeless body...and my heart being ripped out of me...I will have my revenge...the fuckers don't realize that they have screwed with the wrong group...they don't know what pain is, but they will find out...oh they will find out...Revenge shall be mine...
Hold onto this rage Jaelle...its the only thing that will keep you going...
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The Rage
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor1…2...3...4...
Kill...Beaten, why for (why for)
Can't take much more
Here we go here we go here we go, nowRage…
One, nothing wrong with me
Heart…
Two, nothing wrong with me
Ripped
Three, nothing wrong with me
Out
Four, nothing wrong with me
Betrayed
One, something's got to give
Two, something's got to give
Three, something's got to give
Now!Revenge
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor5…6...7...
Sweat in my eyesLet the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Now!7…8...9...
All I see is red.Push me again (again)
This is the end
Here we go here we go here we go, nowPushed to the edge
One, nothing wrong with me
Heart…
Two, nothing wrong with me
Ripped
Three, nothing wrong with me
Out
Four, nothing wrong with me
Betrayed
One, something's got to give
Two, something's got to give
Three, something's got to give
Now!Revenge
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor10…11...12...
I'm covered in blood..Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor13…14...15...
I can't see reason...Skin to skin, blood and bone
Mine to take
You're all by yourself but you're not alone
Left behind…
You wanted in and now you're here
On the verge…
Driven by hate, consumed by fear
of losing my mind…
Let the bodies hit the floor
16…
Watch my axe breeze through the airLet the bodies hit the floor
17…
My hands jar with the impact of fleshLet the bodies hit the floor
18…
Hot blood splattering across my faceLet the bodies hit the floor
19…
It feels so good...One, nothing wrong with me
Why do I smile?
Two, nothing wrong with me
Death cries echoing around me
Three, nothing wrong with me
Revenge
Four, nothing wrong with me
It tastes so sweet
One, something's got to give
I have lost
Two, something's got to give
control
Three, something's got to give
No going back…
Let the bodies hit the floor
20..
ILet the bodies hit the floor
21…
amLet the bodies hit the floor
22…
hate...Let the bodies hit the floor
23…
DeathLet the bodies hit the floor
24…
my onlyLet the bodies hit the floor
25…
releaseHey… Go!
Hey... Go!
Hey... Go!
Hey... Go!
Hey... Go!Let the Bodies Hit the Floor by Drowning Pool is all in Italics…
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Journal Entry 633
The script on this page varies drastically from her previous writings. It looks as if her unbearable pain is bleeding through and causing her writing to look erratic and out of control.
I'm not a bard, but while trying to drown out a conversation that felt like it was ripping me in half, I stumbled across words that seem to fit my very tortured existance…Jerrick carried me away before I could finish it, but in writing it down, I was able to...
Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me freeThings are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now hes goneNo one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even tryYesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye~Fade to Black by Metallica~
Wet splotches stain the paper and smears some of the ink
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((Warning, this entry will be rather long…Also, I would like to thank Brendel for coming up with this story arc and writing most of it. It's amazing and thank you for inspiring me.))
Keep the Faith
_How do I stop the rising tide
When all seems lost
This wall around me is crumbling
Exposing my darkest thoughts
The sun is shining
But I stand in shadow
The world keeps turning
But I stand still
Chaos rages within me
Nothing can stop it
So tired of this endless cycle
When will the seasons change
Hope
I am quickly losing it
Gone…
~Untitled by Jessica Petersen~_
She sat quietly, at her usual table at the Ferret. Her grey eyes flat, her face slack and pale. She sits there staring blankly at a bottle of Risky, seemingly lost in some thought or other. She absently takes a long pull from the bottle and sets it back on the table. She shifts in her chair, and looks over at the spot where Jay normally stood while on duty as a bouncer. She blinks a few times and frowns as she swears she sees him standing there. She rubs her eyes and stands up and stumbles a few feet as her vision begins to cloud over. She sinks to the ground with a clank, her eyes closing as she slips into a drugged sleep, visions of Jay dancing on the inside of her eyelids.
Several hours later…The sound of a heavy coin bag dropping on a wooden plank makes her twitch. She groans slightly and reaches up to rub her head when she hears a familiar voice, pitched low and slightly heavier then usual.
"How long will she be out? The trip is almost complete and I need her mobile."
A thick guttural voice answers,
"Soons. See? it moves alreadies"
She rolls onto her back, struggling to open her eyes. She sits up slowly, her arms wrapping around her legs as she pulls them close. She blinks a few times as she realizes she is no longer wearing her armor. She looks around frantically for her axe and lets out a little cry when she can't find it. Her eyes fall on the back of a familiar figure clad in nondescript dark clothing and a cloak that seems to shifts shades with the shadows. As her eyes travel across his body she notices he is gripping a black bladed, bone handled bastard sword hidden one handed behind his back while he faces two hulking half orcs. She overhears the familiar voice say,
"Very well. Your pay." motions to a heavy bag on deck_"take it and head below decks immediately. The boat will return you north to Peltarch ….one more thing, I am grateful for your assistance."_ <theivescant>"I will spread your names as men of worth."
One of the brutes bends over and swoops up the bag of gold. He nods slightly at the slight figure, then with his buddy, they scurry below deck. The familiar figure then turns smoothly on his heel, while sheathing his blade in one movement. His eyes dark in the evening light as he gazes on Jaelle.
Her grey eyes narrow as she recognizes the man standing before her. Her thoughts going wild. Brendel….betrayal...kill... Her fists clenching, she grinds her teeth as he speaks.
"My apologies Jaelle, I am privy to much that goes on in Narfell. I have a particular interest in you." frowns slightly "In your redemption. So when certain pieces of …bad news came my way, I thought I should take steps to...help keep your priorities straight."
She flinches slightly as he kneels next to her, offering her some food and water. She looks at him for a very long moment, as if debating on whether to choke him or not. She unclench-es her fists and takes the water and the food. His eyes twinkling at her, he continues with his little speech.
"I had you drugged, you'll be a little woozy, drink, eat, we have a long night still. I was fairly confident that I would not be able to get you here on my own, nor overpower you. Hence the brutes and drugs."
She grunts at his confession watching him stand then move with a lithe grace over to the boat railing. Looking back at the food, her stomach growls audibly and with a ferociousness she hasn't shown in awhile she devours the food as he continues to talk to her.
"We are pulling up now. After our little trip your weapons and armor will be returned to you, as well as safe, fast passage back to Oscura or Peltarch."
A canopy of branches passes overhead, nearly simultaneous with the sound of the boat being grounded. Brendel takes a moment, then lets out a distinctive nightbird call, which is soon answered. Jaelle cocks her head at the sound and stands up, wiping the remnants of her meal off her lap. She looks at Brendel expectantly.
With a wave of his hand he motions her to his side.
"Come with me, quickly.”
Brendel jumps down onto the shore then turns back offering his hand to Jaelle as she quickly follows. He then turns to the darkened woods and waits, an expectant look on his face.
A man appears, barely visible in the slight light coming over the side of the boat. Obviously some sort of woodsman, his eyes flick back and forth a moment before settling on Brendel. In the dim light Jaelle could just make out the flick of rapid, graceful hand movements.
<sign>you have done as asked?
The woodsman nods.
~~I assume the favors I have done you are suitable recompense for the trouble?
The Woodsman nods once again.
~~My thanks
Brendel inclines his head to the woodsman, before turning to Jaelle, pitching his voice low.
"This man has cleared our path of enemies, so one not accustomed to silent travel may pass unnoticed. He did it without shedding blood."
Brendel lowers his head a moment murmuring then reaches out and touches Jaelle's arm. She blinks as the nightvision spell takes hold, her eyes roving rapidly across the landscape until she notices a lank wolf standing very close to her and Brendel. She nudges Brendel and points, not really showing fear, but as a warning of what could happen. Smiling reassuringly Brendal motions to the wolf.
"My friend will ensure your safety. Please, be patient and bear with me."
As they travel in the woods, the night vision allowing her to study Brendel, she notices a deep sadness etched in his face and his eyes. She frowns slightly to herself, debating whether or not she should say something. After roughly an hour she begins to hear the sounds of a very lively camp. Sounds drift across the air of a language she can barely make out. As they get closer to the camp, she begins to make out some of the words. Her eyes widen as they approach the treeline and her eyes gaze upon what appears to be a goblin village. Her eyes narrow at Brendel and then she turns back to the village and studies it for weaknesses. Seeing the loose picket of sentries, poorly spaced and seemingly not caring for their guard duty she grins coldly and reaches for her axe. When her hand pats her hip, she looks down and snarls slightly as she remembers she has been stripped of her beloved axe.
Brendel seeing this, leans in very close, his breath dancing across her ear in a barely audible whisper.
"This is what I wanted to show you"
He pauses briefly as if he is trying to word things right.
"I did something evil, to these poor folk. I killed many of them one night. Not just the warriors. the women, children."
As he motions to the village, her eyes follow and she gasps slightly at what she sees.
The Village is squalid in every sense of the word, there are several large fires with raucous groups of goblins around them. Once the eye becomes accustomed to the larger view, other details come into focus.
Most of the 'houses' are mere lean-to's. There are many smaller fires, with goblins around them…These goblins are small and sickly. Sores cover them. All are ill clothed and pitiful looking. Goblin children roam almost vacant eyed, some toting small dolls.
She looks back at Brendel, her brow furrowing as she sees his eyes shining darkly with restrained emotion.
"I do not see them as monsters anymore. …I have made a few big decisions, decisions you helped inspire in me"
He turns and locks eyes with hers, his shoulders taught.
"I no longer kill on a whim. These are people to me, until proven enemies. I kill now only in defense of myself or others. I go further then that though"
He breaks from her gaze and turns slightly to look back at the village as if he is looking for something.
"I bring them aid. Clothing, water, dolls, food. some alcohol too. Only a few goblins know of this, they do not trust my reasons, but accept 'free' gifts. The gifts help keep them in power too. It is my wish, to learn their language and one day be able to aid more directly."
He looks back at Jaelle briefly, and then turns back to looking at the inhabitants of the village. She studies him quietly, wondering all the while why he is doing this to her.
"You gave me Hope. You helped me a bit, with the example you set. But, when my …feelings, are stirred up, I want very badly to do what I do best. Find trouble, which plainly, means Blood."
Brendel stiffens slightly as his eyes lock on a nearby shinbiter. A serious look on his face he opens his mouth and begins a disturbingly loud pig impression. Making sounds as if rooting and snorting. He carries on convincingly enough that the Goblin gets an alarmed expression on its face and scurries off. Jaelle looks on in shock and then gives herself a little shake as he turns back to Jaelle, a pained look deep in his eyes.
_"I even slipped…not long ago...it was very...bad."
"You are a strong woman."_
She snorts in response to the comment, watching as his eyes gleem with a feral light.
"My point in all this, is that, you have to stay on the path you have chosen, you are not yet Illmatari, but your actions have touched so many already"
He motions again to the village.
"These are just a small example. I do what I do because you have shown me hope. If you falter now….fail in your course...what hope is there left for me? How long until I become twisted up? And people like these, and others closer to me, are killed or worse?"
As Brendel speaks a hobbled Goblin approaches, obviously some sort of Shaman; the shinbiter cowering behind it. The Shaman mutters words of magic and an acid spell sizzles into the trees above them. The Shaman gets a satisfied air about it and heads closer, the Shinbiter hanging back.
Brendel stands enough to be seen by the Shaman, who stops just staring at the Elf. Brendel slowly lowers a pack to the ground opening it. The Shaman steps up, takes what looks like fresh cooked pork from the pack, and shoulders the pack itself. It turns and heads back into the village, the Shinbiter giving a triumphant yell when it sees the cooked pork. Brendel watches them for a long moment, his lips curled in amusement.
"They eat the grapevines finest pork loin…..I wonder if they ever question how the shamans acid makes such a tender cut..."
He chuckles slightly and then turns back to Jaelle, his face turning serious.
"I have heard rumors, about Jay, about you wandering the streets muttering threats. My message is this: Keep your new found faith. Strengthen it with this sorrow. If you fall now…so much hope will crumble to dust."
Jaelle listens to all of this silently, her face a cool mask, hiding the chaotic emotions that boil deep inside her. At the mention of Jay, she visibly flinches and withdraws into herself. Her shoulders slumping and seemingly turning into a shell of her former vibrant self. She can't even bring herself to look at Brendel. When he turns and rejoins his wolf, she silently follows. Her footsteps heavy. They traverse back to the boat in silence. Jaelle seemingly lost in dark and torturous thoughts the entire time. When they approach the boat, she notices that all her gear is spread out waiting for her, with a bottle of tea and another bottle of Spirits sitting on top of her pack. She climbs up into the boat and looks back at Brendel, her expression grave and expectant.
"Change quickly, and tell the man where you want to go." indicates man at large rudder "The second effect of the drugs will pass soon…compliance. And I would not wish to have you at my throat..."
She glares at him her teeth grinding loudly as Brendel winks at her, a small smile on his face.
"Remember…keep the Faith"
Brendel then turns and walks into the undergrowth, fading into it like a ghost.~~~~</sign></theivescant>
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Journal Entry 618
_"On the ground I lay motionless in pain
I can see my life flashing before my eyes
Dead I fall asleep, is this all a dream
Wake me up, I'm living a nightmareI will not die
(I will not die)
I will survive"~Excerpt from Time Of Dying by Three Days Grace~_
I've seen and done many gruesome things in my life, but what happened to me doesn't even begin to cover the word gruesome. Perhaps horrifying would be a better word. It's definitely the stuff nightmares are made out of. I just wish I could put what happened to me to words, but for me to write it down would make it more real. I think for now I would just rather pretend it was all a dream. Nothing more then a figment of my twisted mind. But how do I explain the scars if it's not real? So much for deluding myself…I think part of what bothers me is the fact that those closest to me had to witness it. I see how they suffer because of what happened and I can't help but feel guilty about it. My choices caused them all to suffer. How farken selfish of me. How can I make it up to them? How can I help ease their nightmares and pain? Ilmater help me...
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Journal Entry 613
A simple lyrical prose graces the page of her journal…it seems that in her mind it needs no explanation...
Grace Of God Go I by Flogging Molly
Lookin' down through a tide of no return
Is a field where the crops no longer grow
Parched is the land, strangled an' be damned
There for the Grace Of God Go IDown beside where the riverbed sleeps
Is a man not knowin' what he should feel
Mocked by the wave that beats the waters edge
There for the Grace Of God Go IIf I ever hurt another like thee again
I would drown myself beneath your name
Lost was the child, we all once did hide
There for the Grace Of God Go I
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Journal Entry 610
There is no disguise that can for long conceal love where it exists or simulate it where it does not.
~Francois De La Rochefoucauld~Ilmater forgive me for what I have done…
I ended my relationship with Locrian. Not because I don't love him, but because my heart belongs to another and the sad truth is that it always has. I thought I was doing the right thing by choosing Locrian over Jay, but I was lying to myself. The end result being hat I had made myself miserable and hurt a person I care deeply about. Perhaps in time he will forgive me as Jay has, but a part of me thinks he won't. It would be best if I moved back to Oscura, to allow him time to heal. However, my current affliction has made it difficult for me to travel very far. I wish things could have been different, but in the long scheme of things, I did the right thing.
My faith in Ilmater grows in leaps and bounds. I feel that he is with me, helping to shoulder this burden of pain I have been inflicted with. It is such a comfort to me to know that I am actually cared about versus being a tool to meet someone else's cruel goals. I hope I do not disappoint.
My relationship with Jay has deepened to a level that I never thought possible. His quiet, hesitant admission that he loved me was more then I could ever dream of. Every time I think about that night, my breath catches in my throat and my heart begins to sing. Jay and I have been down a long bumpy road together. I am hoping that we will both finally find peace and comfort with each other.
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Journal Entry 607
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. ~Steve Jobs~
I never expected my time to be so short, I knew I was going to die, but just wasn't expecting it so soon. So imagine my surprise when I found myself standing next to Cassius in the place where mortal souls wait to be judged or to be called back to life on the material plane. Yes I remember his name along with my stay there. I apparently have been given a gift to remember my time there and to remember the sacrifice I made in order to save someone else.
His name is Brendel, the lad I sacrificed part of myself for, and he was standing there in the fugue with me. The poor lad seemed so lost, so confused. My heart went out to him and so I prayed to Ilmater to ease his suffering and return him to his proper form. Unfortunately for me, I didn't notice until my prayers were done that the lad had vanished. It was at that point that I saw her. Some winged creature with a heated gaze. She offered to cure Brendel of his affliction in exchange for my soul. I was torn. Even though I wanted to save the lad, I could not in good conscious give up my soul and the freedom to chose my own way. So the strange lass disappeared calling me foolish. Perhaps I am foolish, but at least I'll never bow to a strange power for the rest of my tortured existence. And that was what I was telling myself when someone else approached with a deafening roar and blinding light. She appeared shocked that I didn't the easy way as she called it. She even stated that it was rare for them to see someone like myself seek redemption. I explained to her my problems with guilt, and she only replied that it will be my burden to bare. Then she was gone. It wasn't long after that I felt a tug upon my soul and found myself staring into the dark caverns of Oscura.
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A Path Chosen
_Pick a side, you made your mind up long ago
The past is dead, but in your head it’s hard to let it go
Excuses made no longer will define you (define you)
Empty threats have hung you once again
With open eyes you tranquilize your confidence
Room is black no looking back, the cost of self expense
Step away and look inside your sickness (sickness)
And realize you’re all aloneWhen the world that you created
Makes you fall face down and meet your bitter end
And you’re sifting through the wreckage
You can build it up or burn it down againLined up all your sins and then you shot them one by one
You sacrificed your common sense, it’s over said and done
Deception and disaster always find you (find you)
And leave you dying all aloneIn the darkest shadow, will you find your way
Is there hope or are you stuck here in this
World that you created, when you fall face down and meet your bitter end
And you’re sifting through the wreckage
You can build it up or burn it down again.~Burned by Fall From Grace~_
On one of the many beaches of the Ice Lace Lake, Jaelle stacks drift wood into a large pile and lights it. She sinks down into the sand, her knees tucked under her chin and gazes into the roaring flames. Her face is one of deep thought and riddled with indecision.
The sun begins to set turning the dark water into a vast reflecting pool of deep purples and pinks, she slowly stands and strips off her clothes. Her jaw set, she wades into the icy water until it fully surrounds her naked body save for her head. Taking a deep breath, she dunks herself under the water and resurfaces, wiping the water from her eyes. She gazes out over the water, determination written on her face and yet a hint of fear glints in her eyes. With one final dunking, she turns and walks back onto the beach. She stands just at the edge of the surf, the water lapping at her toes. Water droplets bead down her bronzed and heavily scarred skin reflecting the dying light like ice crystals. She raises her muscular arms above her head, her head tilting back and cries out in a powerful voice, “Umberlee, Bitch Queen, Fury of the seas, I call upon thee to witness the changing of a blackened heart!”
At her summons, a wall of black clouds converges over the beach. The smell of ozone permeates the air and with a loud crack, lightening strikes a tree 50 yards behind her. Swallowing her fear, her feet shifting in the sand, she stands definitely her arms still raised above her head.
“You have given me a new chance at life when no one else would. But instead of allowing me to find my own way I have been forced upon a path of hatred, malice, destruction, fear and death. From this day forward, I will no longer follow the path you have laid out for me!”
The water in front of her begins to churn violently as she yells out her defiance. She grabs her holy symbol from around her neck and with a swift tug, snaps the chain from around her neck. She holds the symbol high above her head and cries.
“Umberlee! I turn my back on thee!”
She throws her holy symbol far out over the water and there it hovers as if it was caught by an unseeing hand. With a deafening roar a water spout consumes the holy symbol and moves menacingly towards the shore.
As the last ray of light sheds across the turbulent waters and upon her determined face, she slaps her hands together and screams, “So mote it be!”
Then darkness fell upon her eyes, and she saw no more.
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Journal Entry 601
Gift of Flesh by Def Leppard
I am all destiny, a trade, a grain of sand
I am the lesson to be learned
I take the throat of innocence and leave decay
I stain the way for all to see
No fear, no voice, no reason
In God no guiding light
When all the guilt that's in your head
Turns its back and plays for dead
You scorch the earth and torch the sky
Conscience low with head held high
Indulge and multiply and sacrifice
As lack of breath chokes underground
Divulge, degenerate the darker side
From windows watch the screaming sky…I tried to leave the Sail's. I even handed over my keys to Drelan and cleaned out my bunk, but then I ran into Sabre. We argued heavily about my leaving. She went on and on about Taria and standing by her when she fell from grace and how they would do the same for me. I argued my point of trying to save my family from suffering the same fate as I and even to me, my argument seemed weak.
Jay was right, I was running away. But not because things were to hard to handle with Umberlee and my changing heart, but because of him. That aside, the entire time I argued with Sabre, my heart cried out ot surrender and fall to her feet and ask for forgiveness. I couldn't though. So I said I would stay but would keep my distance.
Things with Jay aren't getting any easier. His accusations of my using him, even though false, still cut deeply. He truly believes that and I feel horrible guilt that he feels that way. I'm not sure how to rectify that belief. Part of me wants to scream at him that I only did what he has done to me on numerous occasions but I know that would fall on deaf ears and possibly make things worse.
I am guilt ridden.
I'm having a hard time watching Jay descend in darkness knowing that I've helped him fall. It seems like his boyish innocence is gone and now all that is left is a brute of man. I can't change what I have done, but I can't help but wonder what would have been if I had done things differently.
Locrian has been steadfast and my rock as I pull myself from the wreckage of what has been my life. Even though I am steeped full of guilt and misery he still loves me and coaches me along. He is my one blessing in life and I am ever so thankful he is a part of it.
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As the Narf Turns
Journal Entry 600Locrian is back and I don't know what to do. I told him I would end it with Jay, and I did, but I'm not sure I did the right thing. Especially after how Jay treated me the other night. The whole thing was ~amazing~. I hurt Jay. I saw that in the way he walked off but I still don't know if he could ever really love me. I've always been his fall back, his safety net. The one person he can count on to help alleviate his loneliness…but love? I know he was trying and I wanted to give him a chance...I love Jay...
Then there is Locrian. My Lathanderite. Part of me does love him and I think I could learn to love him as he does me. I do worry though that with his affiliation with me, that it will cause a problem with his friends. What I can't believe is that I am even worrying about stupid shit like that. It's almost as if he is chiseling away at my blackened heart and shining a light through the cracks. It feels good but in an uncomfortable sort of way.
I am expecting some kind of punishment from the Queen for my involvement with a Lathanderite. I'm half expecting to start losing my blessings. She has no love for Lathander and my associating with one of his followers on a romantic livel would be considered blasphemy and a betrayal. Especially since I am not trying to corrupt him or convert him to her ways.
I've never been given the chance to choose for myself. My "beliefs" if that's what you want to call it, has always been dictated by someone else. Maybe it's time I take control of my life and stop letting the ods dictate who I should be...If I do this, the Queen's wrath will be harsh. Perhaps it would be best if I go into seclusion or leave the Sail's all together. If I forsake the one god who saved me from another, it could potentially cause the Queen's punishment to bleed over to them. I am loathe to leave them as they are my family now, but for their safety I just might have too.
On a different note...
I was walking to the Ferret one afternoon when a young woman crossed my path. I had to a double take as when I first glanced at her, she had this odd shape to her front. It was then I realized that she was carrying a small bundle wrapped in a cloth and slung over her shoulder and across her chest. Before I turned away I heard a small cry coming from this bundle and the woman immediately pulled it out. I couldn't help but stare in surprise and shock as the woman was holding a baby. The way she held him and soothed his little cries touched even my black heart and for the first time in my cold hearted existence, I felt regret for not being able to have a child.
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Journal Entry 574
~ For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
I have changed. I am “softer” as Jay put it. I'm not sure if it is due to Locrian's influence, or my year in jail in Damara. Perhaps it is both. Either way, Jay seems to like the change. Which confuses me to no end. We had a rather long intimate conversation yesterday while training in the Gnoll woods. It was shocking to me how open he was about his failings, regrets and his desires. I'm not sure what to make of it all. He has changed, but not sure in which manner he has changed. I told him if he is interested in me, that he will have to woo me. I have to admit I am laughing about that as the only person who really wooed me is Locrian. Locrian…I miss the crazy Lathanderite. I am not sure what I would do if Jay and I come together and Locrian returns. Locrian has brought out the lady in me, but Jay and I have a history that is rather, well, explosive. Ah well. There is no use worrying about what may or may not happen. We will see how things unfold...
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Journal Entry 195
“Faith is the light that guides you through the darkness.” Author Unknown
My life has taken an interesting turn recently, and I know I’m not handling it very well, but I’m torn. This guilt I feel for slaughtering those people hasn’t gone away and no matter how much I pray to Umberlee for help and guidance, my please go unanswered. John stated that She would be please by what I did, but if she is so pleased, then why do I still feel so empty…so lost…I think I am losing my faith, not just in Umberlee, but in all gods. I have only been used as a tool to meet their goals while mine have been left behind and nearly forgotten. I feel bitter, used and completely hopeless…If I turn my back on Umberlee, I won’t be the only one who suffers. Do I just sit here and take the abuse to protect the others, or do I do what I think is best for me? My life is forfeit either way… What to do…
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Journal Entry 191
Revenge is sweeter than life itself. So think fools. [Lat., At vindicta bonum vita jucundius ipsa nempe hoc indocti.]
Author: Juvenal (Decimus Junius Juvenal)
Source: Satires (XIII, 180)I have been told that revenge is a dish better served cold. I never really understood what that really meant until recently. The Scarlet Murmmers have decided they want to eradicate me for reasons I’m not sure of. This group only attempts to assassinate followers of Loviatar or those they deem a threat to their High Priestess or way of life. At least that was what I was taught at the temple.
The latest attempt on my life has bothered me to no end. She stated that she wants revenge for everything, for Clana for Her. I’m not sure who this Clana is, but if it’s one of the dead bodies next to the shrine, then great. If not, I’m farked if I don’t figure out who she is and why they feel the need to try and assassinate me. I’m hard pressed to remember what I could have done. I did so many unspeakable things while at the temple and before I came here to Narfell that it could be anything that caused this need.
I’m hoping that speaking to the dead will help resolve some of these questions and possibly point me in the right direction in what I need to do to end this without putting myself or the crew in any more danger then they already are in.
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Journal Entry 185
_“The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger…watch it grinAnd Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.”
~ Music by Johnny Mandel Lyrics by Mike Altman ~_Many people are surprised to find out that I remember everything from my time of insanity. I am pretty sure most of them think I had totally lost my mind and in some, they were correct.
I didn’t realize what was happening at first. I thought the headaches I was experiencing were just after effects of dying multiple times. They progressively got worse and one particularly bad day I noted a new side effect; my hands were glowing. Scared, I tried to ignore it at first but when I started to do and say things I normally wouldn’t I knew that something was seriously wrong. I was completely unsure of what to do about it, so I hid it. Everyday was a struggle to maintain control, but I knew I was losing this battle. Those closest to me knew something odd was going on and Sedea, dear dear Sedea tried so hard to free me of my burden, but in looking back on it, I think it made things worse.
It all finally came to a head when Jay and I were alone. I completely had lost control and I attacked him…That’s when I knew that I had to gain control of this monster in me. I turned tail and ran to the gnoll woods, crying the entire way. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do until I saw the momma…I walked right up to her, and slugged her in the jaw and with my last breath, I renounced Loviatar and found my way into the cruel embrace of Umberlee…
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Life After the Temple: A New Friend
To cement a new friendship, especially between foreigners or persons of a different social world, a spark with which both were secretly charged must fly from person to person, and cut across the accidents of place and time. ~ The Ape in Me, 1959 ~
My first few weeks outside of the temple were harrowing to say the least. Not only was I running from the priestesses of the temple,, I was running from the lecherous men who pursued me relentlessly from my initial night of freedom. I ran for what seemed like weeks, sleeping by day and traveling and foraging by night until I reached the city of Heliogabalus.
My first day in the city was uneventful save for the chance meeting of a new friend. I was walking through the market, looking for an easy target as I was hungry when I spotted this woman. She was short and plump, her brown hair, streaked with grey twisted into a bun at the back of her head. She walked amongst the stalls seemingly oblivious to everything around her except the task she had at hand. I followed her for awhile, waiting for my chance. When the chance arouse, I took it. I snuck up behind her, reached into a pocket and quickly pulled out her purse only to be caught by surprise as she whirled around and grabbed my wrist like a vice. Her dark eyes shining with anger she begins to berate me for trying to steal her purse while she dragged me to a dark alley. I fought to get away from her, panic causing me to go wild in my attempts to escape. Realizing that I couldn’t escape from her, I slumped in her grip, and allowed her to drag me all the way to a nondescript building not that far from the market. She dragged me inside and threw me into a chair in a small office. I made to bolt, but she stood in front of the door blocking my way and shoved me back into the chair gruffly. I started at her, unsure of what she was going to do or say when suddenly she started to laugh. Embarrassed, I stared at my feet until I felt her finger under my chin, forcing me to look up into her dark brown eyes. Her eyes soft and dancing with amusement she said, “Welcome to the Happy Lotus Inn, and you’re new home.”
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Journal Entry #105
"Nothing Begins, and nothing ends, that is not paid with moan; For we are born in Others' pain and perish in our own." ~Francis Tompson~
Haunting notes of a sad melody floats through the air, dancing upon the leaves and through my open window and into my head. The longing it brings for what I don’t have is almost unbearable in its intensity. I nearly choke on the feeling it’s so palpable. I’m not used to feeling things like this at all. It’s…uncomfortable…Imagine putting on a pair of pants two sizes to small. That’s what it feels like for me. I’m not sure why I feel this way at all. Maybe my cold unforgiving heart is thawing. Maybe I’m losing my mind, or maybe, just maybe, I’m nearing true freedom from my past…
I’m at a loss as to what is happening to me with Jay. We were talking earlier today about how neither one of us has had long lasting relationships of any sort. I told him that all my relationships were one night stands and usually ended up with someone dead. I pushed it off as a joke, but I actually feel sad that it’s true and that I lied to him about it. I even hate to admit it to myself, but I feel guilty about it. What an odd feeling to have.
The jealousy thing is getting out of hand. I need to nip that in the bud before it gets worse. I can't even understand it. It's not a normal emotion for me at all. It's driving me to distraction with all these unfamiliar feelings. In fact, I was so distracted I nearly died today to an orc of all things!
Well, tomorrow is another day, hopefully I will feel more like myself…If not, I need to figure something out and soon…
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The Priestess and the Dice
“If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose” ~Jack Handy~
After another grueling day of training, Jaelle wearily returned to the warehouse to meet up with the rest of the crew for drinks and whatever else they had in mind to do. Unfortunately for her, she still had not been given a key to the door. Sighing at that lack of trust, she pounds on the door with gauntleted fist. After what seemed a long while, she heard some scuffling behind the door, and the key in the lock. The door slowly swung open revealing John on the other side. Smiling, she steps through the threshold and nearly runs into Benji. With a nod and smile at Benji and a look of curiosity at John, she starts to head back towards the living quarters.
“Jaelle, wait….” John says in an eager voice.
With an expectant face, she stops and turns to look at John.
“Could you entertain Benji while I run back and grab something?” He asks inquisitively.
“Sure,” she replies and walks back towards Benji and the door.
With a nod of thanks, John dashes off to the back and her and Benji stand at the door sizing each other up.
“Nice place you got here, “Benji says to break the ice.
Jaelle nods in response, “Well, it’s not really mine. I’m just a recruit.”
“Oh,” he says with a slight frown.
“So what brings you here?” She tries to ask politely.
“To straighten things out between Apoc and The Sails.”
She frowns slightly at that and utters a subdued, “oh.”
They stand there for a time, looking at each other as an awkward silence fills the air. Every so often, Jaelle glances back the way John went in hope of seeing him return soon.
“So,” Benji says awkwardly.
“Soooo,” Jaelle responds just as awkwardly. “You buying something down here?”
Benji looks her over curiously, “Why? Is something for sale?”
She chuckles in response, “There is always something for sale.”
A look of relief washes over her face as she catches sight of John coming around the corner. She watches silently as John hands over a few items to Benji and with a quick nod in goodbye Benji is let out to the door. With a scowl on her face, Jaelle walks into the backroom with John. She mutters in irritation, “How the fark do people have polite conversations? Fark, I will NEVER do that again. I hate polite conversations…”
As they approach the door to the living quarters, John stops for a moment and looks at Jaelle, “Just as a warning, there is a lot of nudity and drinking going on.” She snorts in response as he opens the door.
She walks into the room and immediately sees a pile of food and empty bottles sitting on a table surrounded by five nearly naked people. With a laugh, she walks around the group and sits on a bunk not that far from where Jay was sitting. She looks around at the crew with a big grin on her face, noticing tiny details of what everyone is doing. Sedea and Jack are sitting close together and it’s obvious they are drunk as Jack is fondling Sedea. Her gaze falls on Sabre whom is nearly completely naked save for a belt and a pair of undies. She grins even more when she sees Sabre sitting on a nearly fully clothed Luke’s lap. Chuckling to herself her eyes finally rest on Jay. Her heart skips a beat as she realizes he is only wearing a short pair of pants.
Her attention is so focused on Jay, she barely hears John telling her to grab a plate of food. She tares her eyes from Jay’s broad muscular back and heads to the table to grab a plate of food. As she heaps her plate high, she looks up briefly and sees Drelan scowling by one of the bunks. She frowns slightly as she finishes loading her plate. She then turns to walk back to the bunk glancing down at Jay as she does so and chuckles as she notices his obvious excitement. She returns to the bunk and sits down carefully balancing her plate. She mechanically eats from her plate, absorbed in the dice game at hand. To her the game moved quickly, and there was a lot of lively banter being tossed back and forth. It was all a blur until Jay and Luke tied with the lowest roll. It was apparent that even through his drunken haze, that Jay was embarrassed to show little Jay to the public. Jaelle watched as he stood up and walked over to a corner, his back the only thing exposed to the crew. He then drops his pants showing off his fine looking butt. All the girls went wild whistling and hollering. With a sigh, Jay turns around and walks back to the table, all the girls staring at one significant part of his body. He mutters about everyone now being satisfied and sits back down in his chair.
Jaelle watched all of this with fascination and excitement. Without further thought, she sets down her plate, strips off her clothes and to the amusement of Jack, she saunters over to Jay and sits down on his lap. He looks up at her with a shocked face as she wraps her arms around his neck. Her eyes only for Jay and ignoring the rest of the game, she idly plays with one of Jay’s ears and murmers into his ear. She is suddenly distracted by a bright red light. Squinting, she looks in the direction that the light came from and sees Luke writhing on the floor in pain as Sedea stands over him laughing. Jaelle blinks at the scene dazed, she barely hears Jay excuse himself and slides her off of his lap. She walks over to her clothes frowning. She looks up startled when she hears Jack scream, “Give me back my pants!” She looks over at Jack and sees her straddling John as she slams his head into the ground with a sickening melon crunching sound. Jaelle gasps at the sight and watches as Jay, still naked, tries to pull Jack off of John. In shock, Jaelle quickly gets dressed. She hadn’t seen such cruelty since her days at the Loviatar temple. That’s when it hit her. A pain so searing, that if felt as if was going to split her head in half. She had to escape. Looking around wildly, she sees that Hawk and Drelan were leaving. She quickly follows and stumbles onto the boat back to Peltarch.
((I'm sorry for any grammer, spelling or lack of fluidity issues with this story…I tried to piece this all together by memory, so I may have missed a lot as to what had happened, but this is how Jaelle and myself remembers it...))
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Training
“Only through pain do I feel truly alive. ~Jaelle~”
I really don’t recall my early years of captivity. What I do remember is hazy and almost seems like a very bad dream. I will admit that I am haunted by fragments of memories. They are just hazy images of the Baron laughing cruelly at me, my father being tortured and countless acts of violence. As young minds tend to do, I have permanently suppressed many of the horrific things I had witnessed or was forced to do.
My will was beaten out of me and when I was no longer considered a flight risk, I was moved to a dormitory shared by other young girls. I was horrified and relieved to find out that the majority of the other girls were being held captive as well, many of them from my own village. After many late night discussions, we all pieced together that the kidnappings were perpetrated by the same person…The Baron…
For the most part, life in the temple was normal. We prayed, we ate, we slept and we trained. Gods did we train. I worked hard to learn the ropes and to move up in the ranks of the temple. Hoping that someday I would be free of my torment…
The training sessions were always grueling. It seemed as if the priestesses could inflict pain upon me at will. They beat it into all of us that pain is pleasure and pleasure is pain. The sex acts that were involved in our training were humiliating, defacing and just horrid to even recount. But after several years of this “abuse”, I grew to enjoy it. It was the only way I felt alive, loved or appreciated. It soon got to the point that my punishments for failing to learn my clerical lessons properly were the withholdings of the pain I so longed for.
When I turned 15, it was evident that Loviatar was unwilling to grant me her favor and make me a priestess of her faith. It wasn’t for lack of fear, but I couldn’t bring myself to whole heartedly worship such a cruel deity. I faked it rather well in front of my teachers and my other classmates, but it was hard. Especially when some gruesome acts were committed and I was required to be there.
Once it was known that Loviatar did not want to grant me her favor, the priestesses conspired to have me killed as I was no longer deemed worthy of being there. They sent my teacher in assassinations to kill me in the dead of night. I awoke just as she entered my room, and we wrestled and fought, but my dexterity saved my hide and I was able to incapacitate her. I pilfered an invisible potion from her belt and snuck out of the temple undetected.
I was free at last…