Then and Now
-
Sightings
_As he journeys south, he scouts about visiting familiar places and those that are not familiar to him over the period of a few weeks. Not certain of the safety along the road, he stays near the tree line to the east and finds a path well trodden by his own feet. The trees suddenly seem to open up around him and the sight stops him a moment in his tracks.
Proceeding slowly he takes in the scene. The yard surrounding the fortress is silent except for a few soldiers tending menial tasks around the grounds. He takes mental note of the faces, though speaks to no one as his eyes follow a path to the stairs that lead to the entrance door and back again. He reaches into his pack without looking until retrieving something from it and fixing his gaze down at the key in his hand. He stands steady and silent, contemplating. His cloak blows freely in the breeze revealing the Blue, Silver, and Black armor, as one side billows over his shoulder and lies upon his back. A young man appears from behind the tower with a bucket and gathers water watching suspiciously as the hooded figure approaches and ascends the stairs and tentatively places the key in the lock. The heavy door’s tumblers creek a bit then the latch clicks and the door cracks open a sliver, his hand shaking a bit as he pushes it open the rest of the way.
He pays no heed to the guards on duty, except for a salute, and strides through the halls. Except for the guards whispering, there is no sound except for fires crackling in the background, which he attributes to the kitchen. He wanders about looking over the differences within the grand hall and noting the changes. As he travels through the halls and walkways, his hands reach out, fingers skimming lightly against the stone, he shakes his head periodically and rubs his temples. He stops, a familiar scent filling his nostrils, and looks up to the door of a room marked with the name of an old and once close friend, the scent of wet dog slightly radiating from beneath it. He continues past the rooms, noticing each of the doors and each of the names, a low sigh is released. His dull green eyes scan over the remaining rooms of the fortress as he prepares to leave, saluting as he departs the building and once again travels down the stairs to refill his water skin.
As he strides down the steps he places his water skin into the fountain to fill. Seeing his reflection, he closes his eyes while the bubbles rise in the fountain, water replacing air until the bubbles stop and he closes the top and slings it over his shoulder, heading south once again following a creek he remembers well.
While traveling he happens upon a group of people and in passing overhears the name of another old friend mentioned. He stops turns about and asks if he could join them, drawing his hood back and revealing his white hair and green eyes. The group is a bit cautious, though they allow him to follow. He travels with them to a wooded area he has never seen before. He draws his hood over his head once again and from beneath the hood, his eyes dart around him taking in all the details, attempting to put them to memory when he sees… her a dear old friend. His mind and heart seem to be at war in an instant, though he calms and listens to the casual conversations and watches her looking down on the small group from a hill. She asks about the hooded stranger and he slowly removes the hood and looks at her with eyes that seem void of something. He watches her descend the hill and gathers a deep steadying breath as she approaches. She recognizes him and senses something wrong… His first thought…_
"How do I tell her?"
-
Shadows Follow
The wind speaks through the leaves as he sits upon a small hill south of the large city. His cloak drawn and dull green eyes seemingly fixated on the small stream nearby. He breaths slow and steady as he attempts to capture the thoughts racing through his head. Occasionally, he glances up to travelers entering or leaving the city then focuses upon the water rushing past once again. He hears shadows of voices within his mind that seem to move faster than a lightning strike.
_“Steady yourself…” the flash of blades clashing together is heard
“You will be alright…” the grip of a strong hand and the eyes of a small friend are seen
“Get out…!!” he hears himself calling out to a group of people that seem to scatter into nothingness
The gentle touch of a soft caring hand to his arm
CLANG! the deafening tone seems to resonate through the memory and causes him to look about as if hearing the sound around him*
”Brother!!!…” he hears the happy words as a faint breath upon his slightly pointed ears
*"Da!?!..."the gasping breath_
He shakes his head and stands his eyes focusing to the south. The night sky painted with a splatter of bright stars that seem to light his path. Pacing forth and back holding his hands over the hood covering his ears as if to block out the passing shadows that haunt and tease him in the same breaths. He calls out into the sparkling darkness…
“I follow the path where’er it shall take me”
He wraps his cloak about him and adjusts his hood. Glancing back to the small hill and the stream, he nods watching a memory as if watching real life. As it fades and he turns beginning the journey south he whispers,
“You were right"
-
Sunlight
*Winds howling around his head, a lightening flash blinds him, the wind so strong it pushes him back from his destination. He sees the figures just ahead of him, standing with arms open. Another flash of lightening and he sees nothing. Trees suddenly reach out their branches and surround him. His sword cuts through them with deadly accuracy, though they multiply… Suddenly there is blood pooled at his feet, the voice of a young boy, crying out in pain is carried to his ears on the breeze, he swings his sword like a man possessed calling out… He reaches out, soft yet strong fingers grasp at his, he tries to hold on with all his strength…
“Do Not Let Go!!”
All the hope and prayers that stream through him do not seem to give him enough agility or strength as his fingers begin to fail him, the cries of the boy louder and louder as if crashing waves within his head…
“By the heavens!!!…
No… No... No!!!”*A crow nearby calls out loudly as wide eyes snap open in an attempt to adjust to their surroundings and a hand, grasping his sword, points the blade, instinctually toward the sudden loud noise . The crow calls out again, and takes flight disappearing into the brightness of the beginning beams of light. The sun shines brightly around the buildings nearby as they cast long shadows over the quiet streets. Once free of his bonds and eyes clearing he shakes his head, once, twice, thrice. He closes his eyes again for a few moments. The soft yet strong voice he has heard many times, in his head, over the past few years, gently encourages him.
“Focus, breathe and focus”
Opening them again the colorful banners around him blow in the peaceful morning breeze. He yawns with a sigh of relief. He rubs his eyes and takes a deep breath, slowly putting the shadows that haunt him out of his head, as best he can. The thoughts linger as the dawn breaks just over the tops of the buildings and a disheveled heap of armor rises from the dirt. Wiping the dirt from his white hair, he readjusts his cloak which has become tangled about his body. The armor he wears clanks in the morning air, and he looks around him to find nothing, concerned that he may have disturbed someone’s sleep. Grumbling to himself, he pulls out an old weather-bound book and looks over a list, marking off some scribbled lines and whispering to himself.
“Sleeping under the stands of the fairground is not comfortable, make a note of that… Oh and sleeping before exhaustion… make a note of that as well, will you?”
He chastises himself and sips a bit from his waterskin.
“Supplies, check, offering paid, check, everything somewhat the same, thus far, check… “
He closes the book and packs it away carefully,
“Well… south then, aye, that’s next”
-
Searching?
The motion of the ship coming into port does not bother him. His steps do not waver, and his breath is slow and steady. He holds his balance as if traveling on the large vessels had become second nature. He gathers his small pack and walks slowly behind the small group of other passengers. Ahead of him, children run about excited with arriving at their destination when, beneath his cloak he seems to cringe in pain and releases a sad sigh. He steps to the top of the plank, the last to depart and glances about at the docks, noting all the activity going on. His eyes scan the faces of the different people as if searching for something then his head lowers, and he takes a deep breath before striding down the plank and setting foot on solid ground once again. He whispers to himself almost inaudibly,
“Why do I still look?”
He releases a heavy sigh and shakes his head as if to clear it. He looks to the signs to get his bearing, contemplates his memories for a moment, and heads to the tavern close by for some food.
Inside the tavern, the music plays, the barmaid and waitresses smile, and conversations abound around him. He keeps his cloak wrapped snug to his body and his pack well guarded, orders some water, bread, and cheese, and finds a quiet corner table, away from the other patrons. As he eats, his eyes hold a gaze, scanning the establishment. Each bite is slow and carefully guarded as if it would be his last. The water he raises to his lips is drunk quickly and the waitress summoned, by a wave of his hand, to replace it. He does not speak a word, only keeps to himself and finishes his meal. After he is done, he folds his hand in front of him on the table and lays his forehead to them as if praying. He is tired and in need of rest though he will not allow it. After a while of watching him with his head down, the smiling waitress walks over and sets her tray down on his table as he raises his head. Before she can speak a word, he quietly tells her,
“I thank you miss… I believe I shall be going now…”
With that, he tosses two gold coins onto her tray, then gathers his things once again, taking note of everyone’s movements, and steps through the door and out into the night air.
Over the next few days, he wanders through the city streets, his memories seeming to guide him. Some notice the cloaked figure as he passes through the different areas though pay him no mind. He nods observing the changes that have occurred in his time away, he stays to himself, wandering about and watching, listening, blending into the crowds that listen to the numerous speeches from voices that he remembers and those that he does not. He purchases supplies from an old friend in the marketplace and moves sluggishly, though steadily through the heart of the city in the direction of the temple. The mist seems to close behind him as he fades out of sight.
-
Shadows
The wind seems to whistle around him as he looks out past the glow of the moonlight into the darkness that blankets the sea. The moonlight shining through white hair as dulled emerald eyes are tricked by the dancing shadows before him as they form pictures that only he can see. His blue cloak blows in the wind revealing the shining silver armor with blue and black accents.
A young maiden steps close to him offering a small meal and perhaps a drink, her features showing concern for the quiet man as she asks,“Does the sea trouble you m’lord?”
After a few moments, he shakes his head slowly lowering his eyes from the steady gaze and only whispers,
“Nay… I am fine”
She nods, and then backs away slowly touched by emptiness, or a sadness that seems to plague this young man. His gaze rising to the moon, his lips seem to move though barely a sound can be heard over the sea crashing against the side of the ship. His eyes focusing on the darkness once again and allowing the moonlight shadows to show him his thoughts in pictures upon the horizon, the first physical sign of emotion emerges in a single tear lost to the ocean below. His whispers speaking the tale he sees, as if someone is there with him, when the truth holds that he is whispering to no one but himself.
“Waterdeep… Twas only to be a short journey. We were supposed to be returning home soon… You were so happy to be traveling back to visit, to say goodbye to your friends you had grown up with…”
A young boys’ bright smile seems to appear in the shadows of the night before him. A hazy picture of mist from the ocean on the boy’s face, eyes bright and full of life, excitement evident of something to come seems to be moving with action and the man’s dull expression softens a bit.
“Do you know how proud I was of you? Did I speak the right words? Would you be proud of me, now?”
The pictures seem to move as the ship does, changing and moving as if a record of time had been taken down and was being replayed for all to see. He releases a sigh heavily, seeing friends and those he claimed as family and the young boy coming together in different situations. The memories are hazy in the moonlit shadows to his eyes, but crisp and clear in the depths of his mind.
The hours pass slowly through the days and nights, as he contemplates the possibilities of outcomes from all that he has done. He stands alone. His fists clench and relax as he thinks on the past few years and the hunting he has done. Suddenly a picture of the boy’s face is seen. The pain and fear in his eyes is unmistakable, the dagger being pulled from his stomach, the boy desperately reaching out… The man’s hand reaches out over the bow of the ship as if reaching for the boy’s hand and yet just out of reach the picture disappears into the mist. He stretches to grasp and his hand returns to him empty. The man looks out into the night sky despairingly. He howls out into the wind, the cry of a shattered heart,
“Why!?”
The man leans upon the railing his face in his hands, tears falling through his fingers masked by the sound of the wind and the waves breaking upon the ship. He turns from the water, the pictures, the thoughts and memories, and yet they seem to hold to him as one would be shackled to a ball and chain.
The young woman, with the kind nature and gentle smile, passes him as he walks in the direction of the cabins, his cloak wrapped tightly around and his hood, hiding his face. She has seen him to many days and nights and knows well that he would rather be alone on this trip,
“We should be arriving soon, m’lord”
Her voice seems tender and understanding of his mood. He nods his head…
“I know…”
The pause is brief as if his voice was caught in his throat and after clearing it,
“I thank you…”
He disappears through the door and waits, attempting to find a place away from the shadows that haunt him…
-
_The transaction is complete! My son has been returned to me!! I am so thankful to my Lord for His strength, for being vigilant, for standing with us. I am thankful to the Loyal Fury for standing with us, and I am thankful for those that stood aside me, though the entire ordeal, helping, no matter the reason. Those I consider closest to me, my family and my friends, old and new, trusted, and I owe them more than I can e’er repay, though I shall try to do so if e’en in small ways.
The room… tis quiet, the sounds of the inn almost hidden, the light from the candles, dance upon the wall and as I watch him sleep. I can do naught but smile. O’er the course of the past few days, my son has leaned against me wishing me to hold him as I did when he was a small boy. My fingers comb through his hair gently calming him that he may rest. I sit, watching o’er him, in his sleep, as his dreams seeming to carry him back to his captivity, and lay my hand upon his shoulder when he calls out my name, needing me there. Our conversations are simple and though I need know some information, I allow him to speak of the experience, in his own time. I need get the information to the correct authorities, that another shant feel the pain and worry that I have.
As we talk he speaks to me of how happy he is to be released. How he wants to show each of those that helped with bringing him home, how much he appreciates them. He is tired and a bit thin, though aside from that he seems fine physically. He eats again, heartily, his meals, though tis as if they shall be taken from him and that concerns me though I pray twill pass. Tis as if he grows before my eyes and I see the boy becoming a young man, though still very much a boy and I am proud of him. I am proud of him for how well he did through the entire ordeal, how strong and focused he is becoming, the young man he is becoming._
-
_All is in place now. All is ready. Now I wait. Wait for word. Wait for a message or messenger. I know my Lord Helm watches o’er us all. I know He holds us protectively in His hand. I have prayed each morn and His ally has sent sign that all is not for naught.
I await the coming eve with anticipation and yearning, though I gently calm myself and close my eyes. Pulling the blanket left with me o’er me and holding tight to it, I can rest, though not completely, better than afore.
I have much to do aft this is o’er. I shant be continuing as I have. I need talk with my mentor about such things and need explain the odd advice I have been given, as to my decision of my continuing life. I have made a new acquaintance. One that is different but I find strength in him and honor. He has done naught that would show me that I should shy away from him, but, he has also been helpful and seemingly caring. I have happy to know him.
Helm, Watch o’er us all and keep you’re favored protected. Help us continue to be vigilant. Let your strength carry us through._
-
_the usually elegant writing that lays on the page seems drawn and at times there are blotches, much as if the writer has fallen to sleep mid word in places
Oh My Lord Helm,
I have taken to rest for a short time. Forgive me for o'ersleeping, for I can not forgive myself. The days draw so long. I am so close to the goal, tis only Your strength that carries me now. I have no recou…rse I stay vigilant to the cause and continue forward. I see though that there is naught I should be doi...ng. Forgive me my weakness and continue to grant me your strength in trust of those that I know and ... those that I am only beginning to know. Praise You and stand strong and vigilant aside me through this as I know not how much strength this mortal body has left.
squiggly lines and circles in a line
I have made promises that I need keep. This life, this experience, I feel it changing me. To busy, to carefree. Tis not right. To closed in, to kept away has stifled my judgement and my mind. NO MORE!!… No more. For if the experience leads to the possible end I face... Nay, I shant lose faith in Helm, that He shall protect, that He, shall set course that his favored is preotected and cared for...
the ink puddles as if the quill was left, tip against the page_
-
_I believe I am working harder than I have e’er done. Harder than any training, any fight, any journey, any puzzle, anything. I walk about in the eve looking, searching, listening, and waiting for the right time to arrive. Though the process is slow, it has been bearing fruit. I shall do anything I need to do complete this mission, to settle this arbitration.
He looks out the window towards the waterfall and then the sound of the quill against the parchment could possibly be heard
I have been told many things, I have heard many things, I hold hope and know that Helm watches o’er and protects. I thank Him each day for continued protection because I know He shall see me through. Aye, I continue to work vigilant of the goal. My eyes fixed and my heart shall not wander. I may be losing strength and becoming weak, though I persevere, because I know
I know all this work shant be in vain. The goal shall be met and this arbitration shall be ended._
-
_the quill seems to be tossed onto the open book and the ink as dried a bit on one corner turning the parchment black. The book itself lays open upon the bed table in his locked room
Much has happened and much there is naught I can so but wait. I am told that the Sun leads and pulls together the other planets and through forces, I do not understand, keeps them in place. If one was removed, one planet taken away, would it not also, in theory cause instability in the heavens as we know it? Would there not be something obviously wrong? Missing? No one can know…
Perhaps these thoughts are all I can state whence I places the quill against the parchment. Perhaps the tension and stress of the Senate has caused me the need of a vacation?_
-
_I have finally spoken with the one I was to wed. She apologized for approaching me and treating me as she did, for breaking my heart o’er so much time. She wishes the friendship to remain as she has found another. Aft some time, I can see the friendship growing again. I am happy to see she has found another that brings her comfort. I know that this may confuse Wyatt and I am prepared to be there for him if he has any questions.
I have decided to focus on my atonement, my son, and on my lessons. I find myself, more and more, wandering the lands as I did many years ago. I want to take my son with me, though I am uncertain if he is ready. He is not much older than I, when I was cast out of the safety of the wood in Tethyr. I know he tends to wander about the city and out the gates. I ponder the similarities in us. I need teach him the dangers. I need show him how to be safe, I need be a father to him. I understand the sense of freedom that grows with exploration.
I remember the words spoken to me long ago in warning of having too many things to tend to. One such thing, I have been putting off though and tis time to move forward.
Note to self: Finish letter and decide how to announce it.
The one who mentors me has been busy of late though still takes the time to ask on my progress, is as always pleasant and listens. Though I wish we could talk as we have in the past, many things distract us and life continues to keep us busy. Tis my hope she is there the day Lord Helm blesses me with his strength and touch once more, by His might, as a battle priest. I have told my son of my wish to join the clergy, he is happy with my decision and perhaps I saw a bit of pride in his eyes. He has so many questions. I hope to be able to answer._
-
_Twould seem that I am finding myself feeling a bit restless. I find all that was told to me recently is becoming reality. Twas odd, feeling these things, pondering them, and then the realization. There is much I wish to speak of though I do not know where to begin. I close my eyes. What I see eases my mind and relaxes me. Once again, I am focused.
My focus is clear, just as my mentor told me twould be. I feel it in my blood. I travel far south to Norwick, through the south gate, through the graveyard path, using and honing the skills that I have re-learned and that I swore not to forget. This time the beetles came from all sides, but I was ready. I could hear the words in my head. I could feel my muscles move before I realized the thought. The whispering atween them, seemed to taunt me. My blade whistles through the air, cutting into the shell, hearing the screech, then the hiss from ahind me. I dodge, instinctively, thrust and turn the blade into the beasts head then swing and moves ahind me slicing the head of the serpent off, whilst from ahind the tree comes another. For a moment I think, “Are they calling out to one another? Blast, we are too far from the nest for them to notice the other side of the trees”. My focus is snapped back as if being slapped and my blade finds another beast heart and pierces it. When the silence takes o’er, I kneel with blood covered sword and thank Helm for all the protection and blessings he has brought to me.
I then look to the south, my destination, purpose, and mind clear. I call out, “You shant survive Helms Might”, the stench of the undead reeks through the tree line. I am bandaged and ready, once again, to move. I pray and step through the trees, prepared…
the quill lays upon this page a droplet of ink falls from the tip marking the placement as it awaits the writers hand_
-
_The snow has started to fall again in Peltarch, in the late summer months. Tis odd, though, tis a welcome sight to many. The change in the weather patterns o’er the lands has been quite distressing. What once was a white covered hill and mountainside has turned into a plush green forests. Holes in the ground lay in wait for any misstep. I find myself missing the snow, missing the quite that it causes, the way it falls while flakes get caught on you. Twas this memory and the new falling snow that brought on thoughts of seeing the snow covered mountains again.
Our small band braved the undead, the wolves, and the cold to attempt a climb of Snowtop, only to find the path blocked by trees and brush and snow. Perhaps, the rubble we were faced with was an avalanche, which was never dug through, perhaps just the way of the world. Twas disappointing, I must admit. Twas disappointing to the others as well. I could see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices, especially hers. I know not if she was aware, though I said naught whence I saw the disappointment in her eyes.
Upon the return trip to Peltarch, we spoke of taking another trip to the cold caves. I look forward to the trip. Then aft such a long journey, we all parted ways at the tower and she and I entered the tower and talked until she fell to rest. I kept watch o’er her through the remainder of the eve. I awoke, a blanket lying o’er me in my chair and seeing it, I smiled.
swirls across the page_
-
_I feel I am growing, in my skill, and am feeling stronger in the path that I follow, it seems. I am receiving more positive comments then corrective, now, and I am greatly appreciative. I know that, in the future, nothing is set and as such, I am following where my path goes and making the right decisions, one at a time, instead of many. Time shall tell where this path leads and I am grateful to Helm that he is guiding me in the way He is and that I have the support I need, by my side.
swirls in a line
There seems so much that flows through my mind. So much, at times, I am not certain what I was thinking only a moment afore. I hold back most, though I have found one that I can truly speak anything to. Once again I have learned that truth still holds strong.
shakes head and breaths deeply a sigh
I have known this from the beginning, though I admit to having doubts of a sort. Time and distance can change many things. It can change people. It can change the way people react just as the sea changes the shoreline o’er the years. I have seen and experienced these changes quite recently and do not wish to take anything for granted, from anyone. I am overjoyed that it has not in this instance.
I hope to take a trip, soon, to see Wyatt and introduce him. He tells me he wants to know more about my life and those that I spend time with, that I trust. I am certain he shall be received with kindness and caring. I am excited in my thoughts of what we all shall talk about and how all will feel. He is a bit shy around some, uneasy. Though I know there is no reason to be, tis my hope that is not what happens with this visit._
-
_*There are blotches upon the page as if the quill had been tapped on it. He looks over the pages reading and then…
I knew what help would be sent. I waited, listening and my help arrived.
swirls line the page as if he is enjoying thoughts
I had been told that I fell due to my lack of faith. Lack Of Faith… Helm knows my faith has ne’er been the problem or He would not have shown His power to me, He would not have sent the friends and encouragements that he has.
drip drip drip of ink
I had been told… I ponder what has happened around me. I had found someone willing to share a life of servitude with me, willing to raise a child with me, and then life and her call pulled her and the child from me. I waited so very long, years beyond what I have seen in most. I began, finally sending messages that stated, I need you, I need you with me, I need my family, here. She says she sent them to the temple. I never received a thing. Three long years and now aft I send the message that I cannot live like this any longer, only aft that does she see the pain I was in. She says she told me our son was still in Narfell, at Spellweaver Keep. In as brief as our last conversation was, I do not remember it as such, though aft so long how anyone can be certain. Now the memories are there though the pain increases at times thinking on what could have been. Should I have gone to Waterdeep as well? How could I miss so much time with my son?
I find joy whence I look at Wyatt. Such startling contrasts in his White hair with Golden streaks, I think he looks like a Celestial, though only by description, as I have n’er seen one personally. Though he is not my blood, we share such parallels, the love for nature and natural things, the desire to see things only heard of, try new things, and find your way in the world. We are very different as well. He loves magic, finds it fascinating, where I find it frightening. He is also a prankster from what I have been told and I have told him that he needs to watch himself. He is indecisive, though I find that common for such a young half elven boy
I have a long sword for him and, as I promised, shall be teaching him how to use it. My sister has offered to help him, as well. I just want him to have possibilities for his life; I want the best for him as any father would. Helm watch o’er him; Your favored; Protect him as he finds his way in this world.
And yet still I more to think on and speak, once the thoughts are a bit calmer?
the quill is laid aside again awaiting the writers hand once more…_
-
_Death, Faith, Love, Joy, Pain… I have been thinking about all of these of late.
I have decided on a course of action that I am not certain others will take well. I know of only a small few that shall. I must admit, I do not care of the rest. Time shall tell. I have admitted to myself, I care too much for the wellbeing of all to be as black and white as I have come to find, a Paladin’s code must be. Perhaps, that is why, though I had been warned by others, I was so shocked at the vision. I shall be leading the life of a Helmite and following a new path.
My Lord is watching. I believe it. I felt it while I stood afore Alex and swore my protection and felt his touch again, just aft the icy cold feel of steel running me through. I remember leaving to slay the undead; I was angry, confused and upset. Crushing the undead in Helms name seems to always clear my head. Though, my mentor and I were overcome. I killed the three that surrounded me and turned seeing her fight with grace and strength, then another came from behind and the blood gushed and I charged yelling at it, swinging at it, pulling its focus. I hit it so hard its head almost came unattached, then moved to the side to run in the other direction whence I felt the sudden cold. There was darkness then warmth that flowed through me, a murmur in my ear, and I awoke covered in rags, a tingling all over me and the sound of waves crashing. I could not see, only feel about me, only hear the wind upon the grass. I found my way to the ledge and called out for her… No answer. The old man found me and helped me to his tent to rest until help arrived. I knew I would be found. Not that just anyone would come, twas as if I knew all I needed was wait and help would be sent.
- the quill is laid upon the parchment as if the thoughts were not finished though the writing was thus far… *_
-
_My thoughts of what if?, have been pushed back. Dreaming of things at this time is simply not a luxury I have the chance to enjoy. There is so much I need to do to ready myself. Faith and training first and foremost. I need ne'er forget. There is so much I need tend to, get used to. Aft the last outting, I see I have been gone from the field, far to long.
I looked into their eyes, listened silently to their words. They think I was… careless. I was that and more. Angry as I saw the symbols upon their armor. Though twas long ago to some, I fought the thoughts of my brothers falling one by one while my teacher tries desperately to protect them. The rage grew looking at the N'Jast as the thoughts kept running through my mind. Do they know how much I fought within myself to hold. N’Jast, They have no honor, do not meet their agreements. They still would have killed her. I do not know how I know…. I just do. My boiling blood held for as long as it would. Hearing the mace coming down upon the hands so close, my reaction, twas more instinct, than anything else.
Still I was wrong. I put them in danger instead of helping protect them from it. How can I dam the feelings within me? How can I stop the memories that haunt my dreams? Can I stop it by admitting I feel guilty for not being there so long ago? For hiding behind the walls of the Senate?
I am sitting here and as I write I feel the one answer coming to me. I failed and need more training, more time for reorientation of myself to the battlefield and different situations. Only fools rush in… I am not a fool. Another experience I need to put behind me as learned from.
Perhaps once I have learned more, I shall have the chance to dream again. For now, I can not_
-
_*sitting in the window sill of his room at the Mermaid, looking out at the comings and goings of the people. He waves to one or more as they pass, when they look up. He sits there with the leatherbound book, just watching, looking down at the book then resuming to watch the people as they pass. From the mirad of expressions some would say he is peaceful, some calculating, still others would say calmed… Those that know him may recognize something that has not been seen in the many years since the war...
He opens the book and runs his hand over the page, the scratching sound seems to only last an instant...*
What if…?
then he lays the book upon the table next to the window and returns to watch the city and its activity pass by, mentally taking notes of all he sees_
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_The writing on this page is not the gentle strokes that would normally be seen. From the look of it, you could think he is hurried, nervous, or excited. Which is still left to be seen
What is it about this time? What is it about the here and now? I have been given such gifts after such challenges and agonies. I am left pondering and… By Helm’s might, I learn my limitations as well. I know I am not making much sense and am trying to write this, that I may find an ease to the thoughts racing through my mind.
Swirls of intricate knots drawn on the page
My mentor has been helping me and as our Gods are allies, I believe, so are we. I trust her. I trust the manner in which she conducts training. I trust her wisdom and yes her talents even with my very life. She found fault in my techniques and stances in battle and is helping me to correct it. Interestingly enough, it seems as her gentle and polite persuasions have not changed and I find myself relaxed and feeling more as if they are encouragements than corrections. It seems to make the relearning? Much easier and I feel the accomplishments strengthening, not only my arm, stance, and swing, but my confidence as well.
Twas my thought that, in speaking of her and our friendship and what has transpired, I would calm within a bit, though it seems that shall not happen, perhaps if …..
A quiet, seemingly innocent man appeared in the commons this past eve. My mentor and I were preparing to leave to the west for some battle testing. He states his name is Alex and that he is a priest of my Lord Helm. I could not believe what I was hearing. Aft a brief conversation he decided to join us. He seems a good man. Young and unsure, though I am certain confidence shall come in time. I am still concerned for he tries, though he knows not much in the ways of Helm and I believe he has confused some of Torms edicts with Helms. I shall be referring him to my mentor, that he will learn better the ways of the priest, as Sigmund is dead.
I shall be watching him and watching o’er him as he wished to speak in private about my faith and how or why Helm turned from me. The conversation seemed well versed and I am a bit more confident with him. I have also sworn another oath, to him, to protect him while he spreads the faith and light about the city. That is two oaths sworn. Perhaps I am mad though I felt a surge of power and strength, as if someone is watching me. I feel as if I am seeing the path and the possibilities… seem unlimited._
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_*sitting by the waterfall, looking over the cliff and watching the sun rise in the east, he shakes his head and looks down at the blank page. His bare fingers touching it then drawing over it slowly. He picks up the quill with, what could be considered, a look of mixed joy and sorrow, perhaps indifference and a smile? The sound of the quill lightly scratching against the parchment begins… *
Helm,
I try to find that place I once was, that drive, and yet I find myself out of practice and unsure upon the field of battle. Have I become so stagnant? I fooled myself into believing that I could simply walk out of those walls, that they did not hold "Me". Instead, I have have been doing naught but hiding. You have given me so much and still I follow what I think I should. Forgive this servant and shine your light upon me as I travel the path you have set afore me. I was a daft fool, though I shall learn from my mistakes.
You have placed those in front of me that know my walls, my defenses, my weaknesses within. I thank you for that my Lord. I ponder if You have had hand in reuniting me with my family, mentor, and those friends that have stayed true. I thank you for your protection and strength, I thank you for your vigilance. May I always be a shining example of You. May you grant me the strength to see it through to the end, no matter where that end might lead.
signed in an eloquent elven hand
You servant, calen
swirls in a line across the page
My mentor has returned and I am so happy. Tis as if a warmth to my heart has returned, knowing that she still believes in me. I remember her teachings. Faith first, Always. I remember her confidence in me. I remember the long talks and the training afore she needed leave. I remember how lost I found myself as my family, teacher, mentor, and friends were taken from me, seemingly one by one. Now one by one… It seems that whence needed most, they return. I find my heart is NOT taken.
My sister is well, strong, and as endearing as ever. I do love her so and tis good to see her and my brother-in-law together. He is so quiet and introverted whence they are apart. I hope to be able to spend more time with them afore she needs leave, though I know that they have precious time together now and I do not want to be the cause of an interruption of that.
I have met a man I need watch, I believe. He seems well enough, though, with the loss of my sight into mens hearts, I shall need be vigilant and observant,for now. I have also met a hin and an elf that I find quite interesting and hope to learn more of. I shall continue to watch them as well. Perhaps we shall .....
scribbles upon the page as if in thought that stop_