A
I'm pathetic, I really am. I'm letting my heart get the better of me, and it's driving me to misery. I shouldn't care, I really really shouldn't. There's no reason I can't let what is just exist, and not simply enjoy whatever happens to be within arms reach; but I can't do it, I want more. I find myself longing, craving, and then I see myself in the mirror..and sigh.
I know what I am, I know what I've done. If I was to ever find love, it would have to either be someone as disturbed as me or someone who knows nothing about me. That thought hurts me, I have to lie to find love, not that I've ever worried about it before. I guess it isn't really love I care about, it's a man. I don't know why, he doesn't even try really, but I feel something for him. A defender nonetheless, probably couldn't even kiss him in public, and he certainly would leave me if he knew even half of what I do on a regular basis.
That brings me to my next point, apparently I'm married. According to some custom followed in a land I don't even live in, because I gave a gift to one of the barbarians I'm his wife. I admit, I liked the sex and attention, but I don't really want to be married. I guess I'll have to kill him then, if the war doesn't, being a widow wont be so bad. Just another little half truth to tell, the same as I'm a knight, or I've lost a daughter.
I met a woman following Loviatar, who I admit got my blood boiling quite a bit. It's a major turn on for me to see women who enjoy pain, not men as much for some reason. I get more of a sadistic pleasure from abusing men I guess, rather than a sexual one. Anyways, by the end I know I could never care for her. The pain only builds up to a certain point before I'm ready to move on, and that isn't the way she thinks. For me, pain is a tool for pleasure, not pleasure itself.
Speaking of boiling blood, continuing my string of sexual activity, I got to seduce and watch the murder of a young Ashald. The vampire known as Lillia is truly an enigma to me, she fascinates me, and I disturb her. She is powerful, there's no denying that, and she clings to vaguely felt feelings of humanity..when in truth what humanity is left is so far gone as to leave only a monster. I think she sees me as a living reflection of what she has become, I'd be scared too. Regardless, our victim was a young nephew of Rath, Nathen Ashald. It was so easy, simply approached him and gave him the ever practiced story of my lesbian partner and I wanted to experiment with a man. Not sure if that story ever really comes true, honestly, every time I've heard it used someone gets robbed or killed. In this case, he was killed, and I got to watch her feed. It was..odd. There was so much power in her that he was helpless to resist, and I think that killed it for me. He just stood there and died, rather than the thrashing a body does when you drown it.
We've had bad luck on our missions lately. The latest sailing trip found us being robbed by Five Points Raiders, no way we could beat the Valarion and the Rain's Fury together. It still pisses me off how easily we were beaten, but I guess that is the price we paid for setting off without most of our crew. Outsiders certainly don't replace them.
I think the people of Norwick are trying to get us killed, I really, really do. We had been hired to destroy a caravan to the N'Jasti, simple job really. We were approaching by stealth, invisibility and sneaks, we can do that surprisingly well. Halfway through, in the middle of occupied territory, Maya charges up on her horse shining like a beacon! Then she follows us trying to talk, asking what we're doing there. Is the woman really that stupid? So now we had to kill a few more patrols come to check up what the disturbance was. Fine, we get on with it, a vague plan to escape to Norwick after the strike. The strike actually went well, the keg set off without a hitch, the bridge shut off with a stink cloud from Mercy to slow pursuit and then the escape began…The escape is where we faltered. Some went north, some went south, some got held up by Norwickers, some even went back and forth between our escaping people multiple times. The end result was half of us fleeing North for reasons I still don't understand, and the other half of us waiting in Norwick for the ones that fled North. I think I would have been ok if I hadn't started worrying so, I was weak and I admit it.
We got back eventually, Tiain smuggling us back across the pass. For someone who shows as little emotion as her, I don't think i've ever questioned that she cares for this crew. She even got us back after some idiot Norwickers decided to tag along..as if we needed more chances to be spotted by an army.
I guess everything's fine though, we're all alive. Well, except for Gurt getting killed by the Renegades, but they will be dealt with in time. For now I suppose I'll just enjoy my time with my Defender. Who knows, maybe he'll even take a liking to me. i'd enjoy that a lot until I eventually end up chasing him off. Such is the nature of my life I guess, and part of the price I pay.
~Taria