Random jumbled journal of Bryn
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The Rebirth of Lady Jy'laian Fallenstar
Why did I go, a question that will forever plague me. Had I not gone my life would be so different now. Waht am I saying it is different now.
It is one thing to begin a life again with no past, and muddle and ponder on building, grooming and nurturing your present to become someone and something. To carve an ever so small niche in lifes rock to call your own. A good and humble existance. It is another to suddenly have that once again turned upside down things topsy turvy like dumping pebbles from a bucket. But let me begin in the beginning always a good place to start one would suppose.
It was a balmy night with a clear sky and Jiyyd was blissfully at peace, Lillin and I sat by the family tree as we call it discussing what most women do .. men , weddings, men , who is dating who, men clothing, and of course men. Lilin moved away to speak with a friend and a man stumbled in through the gates on the brink of death. He begin speaking in in elven shaded with an accent I had not before heard. He seemed frantic. Being a priestess of the father god creator Corellon , I without question pettitioned he allow me to aide him . He did allow this, once partially restored to health he began dragging me toward the gates of town . I stood in my gown agape at him. He pulled more frantically finally dragging me from the town proper. I begged him to tell me of the nature of his urgency to which he would only say "no time" and "hurry my sister is captive of orcs". Without thinking I found myself struggling into my armor as we ran through the hobgoblins. No easy feat, and on my list never to do again if possible. Dashing along , head long into no one knows what , following a man who I did not know , utter madness. At short length we reached the area that divides the smaller orcs from the larger more dangerous ones, with no sign of stopping he plunged forward into that zone. I finally dug in my heels and said I would proceed no further until I had some answers. Grudgingly and in pieces I was able to ascertain that the cave was where his sister was captive and the nature of how they became captive. My one word, "suicide" I begged that we should return to town for assistance. Finally as he would not relinquish and I felt time pressed to far I acquiesed and we went .
What ensued was a battle like none I have ever fought in my life. I thought it would never end. My mind cried " you are insane" but I fought onward with the hope of finding his sibling alive and unsullied. This last statement was not to be, the nature of my ambivalance had cost her her life. What we found in the hut was a body so horribly mangled it was neigh impossible to decern her sex or race. With out prayer to raise, I was but mockery standing over her entreating Corellon to raise her, to return her life and the arms of her family. It was upon this moment he told me that his sister had to been a priestess of Corellon , and a good devoted daughterand sister, who would have walked well in Corellons way. My thoughts ran pell mell ahead to a family who would be damaged by grief and my heart went to them. We both agreed that it was my ambivilance and break of faith with my god that cost her so dearly. I readied myself for any punitive actions that might ensue. Surely my death was in order as retribution as her death was my action or inaction as surely as if I had put blade to her myself. I prepared to submit. I partted my hair and began to kneel bowing my head to expose my neck . My one prayer left wat that it would be swift. To my surprise, the family was traditionalist. He called upon an old custom where by a family who has lost one to negligence or wrong doing would often place the wrong doer or negligent one in their place. This has a many fold affect. It saves the family from potential death of grief, eases the passing of the true soul to Aravandor and allows the person who is responsible to redeem themselves and attone. Elorian Fallenstar did so bid me to take his sisters place in life and fulfil that which she would have become. As he placed her armor in my hands and her weapons he did call me by her name . He swore me to word bond oath to honor her name and the Fallenstar family. I swore. As I am a traditionalist as well, my word bond , and honor to my family now come heavily upon my shoulders.
As I am sketchy on certain details I do not know of the extent of my placement within the family . This custom is not widely followed in narfell and my attempt to research it fully has been frustrating and fruitless at best. Elorian and I battled our way from the cave , his sisters body cradled in his arms as one would a sleeping child a loving brother amassed in grief we moved silently. As Elorian and I parted ways and he did remind me of my word . I told him to fear not I would make him proud. The name of Jy'laian Fallenstar would never be sullied.
My hope one day is to have a chance to talk with my new brother and understand the full perameters of my new life. Some little whisper tells me this is deeper then all know. Only time wil tell.
With a cramp in my hand and a sigh in my heart I have told the tale of the Rebirth of Jy'laian Fallenstar, and now I am Jy'laian to some , J'yl to others as still plain old Bryn most. Sheesh
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Of Clairity and Chasms
It has been many days since that door appeared in my halls. Stangely I can not open it. It remains locked and sometimes fades from sight all totally when I try to gain entry. Strangely I feel as though there are times my clairity has lapsed which is scarey given the amount of control I have. There are yawning chasms in time. This scares me, I have seached my memories and can not find the times. They must be behind that door. One thing becomes more certain though I am now hells bent to find this Locke and remove him from this world. I am sure of solid conviction that he is of demon spawn. I feel battered mentally and physically with all this goings on , the undead chasing me , the accusations of talking to a demon to be abducted by drow. I look to Arvandor beseachingly. Good Coronal guide me give me strength and wisdom to persever. I shall be victorious or fall in the attempt to excecute thy will. I must remember to have my protection from evil up at all times. I almost feel like my old self again. I am attempting to put on a face of serene normalicy in hopes of convincing others that all is well. I do not need their close scrutiny. Once reinstalled in their own happy world they will leave mine alone. As loosely constructed as the fascad is at this moment it cannot gear scrutiny let alone close scrutiny.
The previous entry, I tried in vain to re read it. It scares me the loosely connected ramblings what on earth possessed me to write such things , where are the pieces of said amulet , where have I hidden them, when did I pick them up and why . My head still pounds like a dwaven smiths hammer on an anvil. I am out of the medicine for the headache, and just as well it was no longer working it merely dulled my wits without release from the pain.
So I shall forbear and learn to put this aside as I do all pain and it shall cease to exist.
One more thing I am weary of others dissecting my love life our lack their of. I am merely going to shove them all away pleasantly and return to my solace of celebicy. A lonely peace is preferable to the havoc men seem to create in my life. This to I shall forebear in a regal fashion, strength of character will prevail. Not to mention I loathe how others love to see me wallowing in the pit of my last amourous misadventure.
I have made up my mind , built my walls, my guardians are in place from this moment on if it goes beyond sparing with friends, the latest news and gossip, or the weather. I mentally remove myself and will so bury myself out of harms reach. I shall once again throw myself head long into my work to the point of exhaustion for work cleanses work and prayer. speaking of fatigue that comes easily anymore I pray that will receed soon as well. All things in gods good time I suppose. With this, these brave words I leave my hearthside seat and wander out to see the brave new world. Corellon be blessed for you are always with me.
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Of ruminations and Ratmazes
More circles, I am dizzy so dizzy, tired as well need to reverie more. My reveries do not seem to leave me refreshed when I arise strangely. Sometimes when I arise I am fevered, my mouth tastes as it did when I fasted to long, and all my inner warning thing is urging me flee. Flee from where, to where. Where is my refuge, I trust no one now not even myself.
They say the man demon , yet no demon do I see, where did this new door in my room come from, it is beautiful I want to come here so much. The room has floors of pinkest marble, warm on my bare feet, it is festooned with rich cushions of all shapes and sizes a fountian is the center burbles continously and tables are set with all manner of delicate foods and drinks.
I am alone in this but am I?
What memory lies within this room. I walk this room in a sleeveless silken gown of seamoss green floats about me stroking mylegs. The warm floor feels soft against my feet. I smell flowers, rich night blooming flowers, suddenly the room becomes dim and the ceiling which is doomed emits a thousand pinpoints and shapes of lights along the floor like walking among stars. I see myself clapping with childlike glee at this spectacle.
I drink from a goblet ,the wine is warm and sweet it flows on my tongue as the silken dress my body caressing it. That is when I feel it or something. A kiss like meade, breathe heady with the smell of spiced meats heady. My body is warm it almost tingles, my skin is hot and I feel uncomfortable, yet this is beyond the want and desire I had for Elord. I feel as though hands carress my very inner being and I am powerless to stop this, this longing of the most intensity. When I arise from these Reveries I am keenly aroused. It is embarressing. (writting becomes heavy frenzied irratic)Confusions abound. They say demon again I see no demon, oh a man once in a blinding snowstorm. Herding me playfully. Unen said he is soldier. If he is demon and soldier why do I not smell him as I do Locke why do I not see flairing in his eyes. My head hurts continually I am tired. (letters loop wildly some runic slashes cut though other letter)
They make jest of me, waves of undead attack me , no one believes me frankly no one cares . This Locke the powerful , I told them he was puppet master, no one listened. I think he has gotten to them all. This man gone for good no doubt now may have been our hope a chance to defeat Locke. Gone. I will speak no more of it . Let them have their jest. Shannon said he saw the man , I think he was jealous, I know alot of them are. If he , the man,solved the problem then it would take all the glory away from them. They would have live with crushed ego's and of course Hedia, always Hedia, how dare some man look at me and not her, Hedia, me, me, me , I , I , I pay attention to me , there is no one on this earth better, braver,more beautiful, has more blessings , can dance naked with the demon wolfthen Hedia. She followed me to camp, I know why she wanted to see this man , she means to have him for herself. She means to have him for herself. They can't bear the thought that this man a simple man,( ink blots and it is unreadable) calls to me.
( script tight showing intense concentration)Danger I feel danger, want to flee, head hurts can't read my own blasted writing .To tired can't run feet won't. Locke puppetmaster, hit the enemies weakness and they crumble, everyone wants something give them their toys and they play happily . Got to warn Shannon, someone , they won't listen to me they never do. Warn Jerr tell Jerr he will listen. Arsmyth would he listen?, Wog would to weak cant do anything he may be bespelled to . Can't trust them, they all lie everyone wants something. I want to rest need to, am exhausted.( script becomes erratic again) Shannon wants the pieces of the amulet, he cannot have them they are all I have left of the man I loved so dearly they can't take it away , I won't let
I have them hidden they are mine. I won't let…....................( unfinished0
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Of Full Moons and Fantasy
Once again there has been a hectic pace to my life since last I posted. There have been over the past month several attacks on my person, 5 of undead nature and 1 of dire wolves that appeared from nowhere. I have told Wog and the good brother Raryldor of this they seem to take it in stride. For this I am grateful, as I am quite shaken over it . So much confusion , why me, I am nothing I am but a minor player in this game we call life. I am merely here to serve , a servent of god , a handmaiden of Corellon. I pass through this life in it but really not of it . The last encounter , number seven I will describe in depth at the end of this entry.
If truth be known I am afraid at first I thought it related to the house, there is so much I cannot sort out. Have I seen or heard something of the union, the orb or something, I know nothing that could be any possible threat I am sure, am I holder of some prize that whoever or whatever wants. I am a woman of little worldly goods so that is not possible.
The brother Raryldor is acting quite bespelled in that he bows to me and swears undying love. I have told him I will suffer no man to my arms again in like fashion and that is attentions are unrequited. I have told him I love him in a special way, as I love all my fellow beings. This is not a love born of passion, but of caring. Eventually he will understand I merely must hold my ground. I think that flirty is fun but have no overwhelming desire to ever again feel the hell fires burn me as unbridled passion can.
This brings me now to the strangest of all my confrontations, I am told it is an incubus that I encountered. In camp I had been talking to wog and xol. I left them in the nook, restless I left to wander the world. I stopped on the cliff and had a chat with Corellon and made for Norwich. Once on the road to Norwich I noted some travelers ahead of me , it proved to be a young dark skinned girl I know as Tama and two elven males who are known to me as well. When we got to the gates the strangeness began. We opened them and the male Unen entered we were about to follow when they closed and locked trapping him within .The first undead attack occured within that gateway Lilin and I were trapped as if in an arena. Unen us young and not strong yet, I feared mortally for him. Beside myself I began to yell, "who are you ? What do want? Show yourself?The others battered the gates then they suddenly opened , Unen was not to be seen . Then it did show itself. The like of which I have never seen, it looked faintly as a succubi and yet was male. I bade the others run, I had no idea what this creature would or could do. Frantically I bade him speak to me , please tell me what you wish he remained silent. He playfully herded me about all a game. He could have killed me I am sure. Arsmyth
the other elven male of the group made to shoot him. The arrow did no damage, I sceamed no desist. I was so mixed something inside said he would not hurt me and yet the terror of the unknown kept me moving. My rational mind was at odds with my feeling. Everytime I would look in his eyes I felt , well I cannot or will not say. I cannot describe how handsome he was , words fail me. If elves do not dream why when I close my eyes in reverie do I see him there smiling? did he smile or did I imagine it were his eyes as amber as I see them much like honey was his mouth as full and soft looking , the muscles seemed to ripple beneath his flesh like those of a great cat , fluidly . So smitten was I that I had failed to remember the wings on his back until reminded. Odd. I do so wish to talk to him. He had words with Unen , said he was a soldier but would not talk to me. In the end I took refuge on the temple steps and a guard did give chase and the man left. I will return again I think , sadly it is no doubt an act in futility. I fear my answer will never come again. I shall persever and this time alone so others need not be endangered. I cannot overlook any possiblity.
I shall persever.
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Of Hoaxes and Heartaches
Oh but lifes cruel jest did a mockery make of me and my nature. But , do let me record this from the start.
When I met Elord he was not Elord. An amulet he wore, morphed him to be the man presented to me and by another name did he introduce himself. It was this man who courted and bid me to be his. Little did I suspect the duplicity that had now began to play itself out. After but a 3 day , he came to me in the pass where I sat talking happily with Othar'a, and said it was time I knew him for himself. The scene that preceeded astounded , the man I loved pulled from his vest and amulet and spoke into it in strange words as he did so he began to shimmer, and shift as if of the very sands . The man I now beheld was alien to me. I was both angered and frightened at this. What foul deed, what dark magic was this. Standing now behind Othar' a having lept and bow drawn I shouted at him to stay away or as surely as dawn comes I would try with my last breath to kill him. Othar'as cool voice cut the still air like a knife, sadly shaking his head he said "lad you do not know what kind of mistake you just made". I demanded he explain this witchery, now moving to my brothers side, still clutching my bow I listened as yet another tale unfolded. In the end once again he lulled me. But before relenting I warned him , if he ever hurt me, ever, I would return the favor. I did not throw myself in his arms but kept a watchful eye that night and for the next day that he stayed, and that night leaving my side to return to Cormantyr.I always keep my word. Corellon knows the truth of it .
The bond, not a life bond as I had thought was a weak one and by his own hand his own fascade he broke that bond shattered it like friable crystal if any bond had ever occured. At this point I am angry with myself for allowing myself to be duped , used and then left desolate on loves cold hearth. This will never occur again I feel. I had wondered why while in cormantyr he had not sensed my duress and pain. I also wonder now if the affore mentioned note ever existed. I was so quick to allay all doubts on the heels of his attentive and gentle manner that day . He labored in the back as I have said , coming up front to check on me occasionally and then off to his duties of the legion, once I was up and around. Then to return once again to that accursed place. Three months passed, and the day he returned he told me he would be returning for good leaving me as cooly as the wives lost to him before . I now once again see what a mixed blessing , though bitter it was to swallow, and the slap stung as would many bees. I realize I am free, free as a bird. I shall in the future revel in my freedom, never again to trust the word of any who whisper words of love in my ear. It is apparent that it is not my destiny I accept fate with humble resign and will in turn love all of those who I call friends and family with equal intesity to fill that void. No man again I pray will ever cross that vulnerable threshold, as I am to weak and easy to lead astray. I gaze into the bright sky this dawn with a new respect and rededicaton to the work at hand and feel the love of the one who means no less then life to me . Blessed Corellon , Coronal of Arvandor I am never lonely when you are near, and you are always with me.
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Of Bored Bovines and Buffoons
Only you know what made me take another shift at the sisterhood gate, or maybe you don't. All I know is I did.
Jerr was the lone man at the gates when I arrived and dutifully took up my post. We chatted amiably between ourselves and the passersby. All in all a pleasant diversion, and staving off wallowing in self pity. After some questioning and evasion , I gave up and told him flat out of my situation. As usual Jerr to the rescue. He was attempting to lift my spirits as the time of this occurance.
As we stood discussing these issues, a nose poked between us, followed by the massive head of Berta. At first she just stood there between us gazing wistfully this way and that doing as cows do , chewing and leaving a puddle of drool on the ground the size of legion lake. Standing there quietly turned out to be not all she had in mind. She gazed out across the road and suddenly took of , at first on a walk, headed for the plains. Jerr and I, followed with Jeremy left our posts and went carreering after the renagade cow two humans and an elf, running like knitwits , chasing a cow along the long road. Finally after much diversion and some coersion on my and Jerr's part , mentioning boys, stud bulls and the like she eagerly turned in Jiyyd. It seemed like a good idea at the time and once in we could close the gate and she would be safe and secure. At least at the time it seemed like a good plan. Upon entering Jiyyd a horrible scene presented itself, no cattle, I had forgotten that during the previous orc attack they had been move. Groaning inwardly we continued to erge her onward. By luck she sauntered in and the gate was shut and it seemed our troubles were over. Ah but never underestimate the power of a determined bovine. Alas with 3 of us holding the gate stoutly shut, she seemed to give up. Backing away and circling while Jerr , inside with her murmured soothing words to her, that is when I backed to one side and she saw her opening. Lungeing to the gate it snapped open sending poor Jeremy airborn, flapping like a bird, landing him in amongst the corn. Startling all. When we regained our wits the cow had gone rabbiting through town. Jerr yelling to protect the cow as we pursued the errant animal once again. On a lap through the square, Jerrs gaze fell on a young lady we had seen earlier with a companion. Jerr was the first to approach her and entreat her aid, winded I joined his side. As we discussed the situation a continuous and growing parade of people trailed the animal. I know not if Berta finally bored of this or physically tired for now she walked to the gate opening and with her parade of dogooders proceeded to leave town and wander back to her stall . After thanking all and asking the young woman again if she could interceed in our behalf. Jerr and I resumed our guard duty, feeling baffled.
What the miss, after lengthy discourse with Berta recanted was , the cow was bored. At first stunned we stared, then the reality that we had been made fools of by a common farm animal was too much. Jerr looked to me and I , him and then to the cow. As we laughed heartily I looked back to the cow and by my ancestors I swear I saw it wink and smile.
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Of Love and Loss
Love, a winged bird of song that delights the mind and ensnares then heart, a rose of such beauty it hurts the eye to behold it , A fire so hot that it 's heat sears the very soul.
When the bird takes wing and the air lies still, the rose withers and the fire falls from embers to ash all lays cold and still. Life life takes on the visage of a newly dug grave on a cold rainy night, an empty yawning pit. A cold void of darkness within.
Once again duty before all else. When he said he must return to Cormathyr permanently he asked me to come with him. I softly told him no, my place is here. Here beside my people and family I will stay until Corellon takes me from this world. I helped him pack and gave him coin. I entreated him to go among the people and find a mage or wizard that can by magic realease our bonds, and make him a free man. I shall do so also , should he not choose to or become distracted from his proper duty.
I do so no longer wish to bear his soul with me as we will never see each other again. He has assured me he will come back to visit and I assured him we would be as before, friends. He promised me he would still follow the ways of Corellon and take care of himself. For that I am pleased. I see it as a reflection that I have performed my duty well and brought another back to the fold .
I will put this pain and disappointment with the others in the room in my mind, behind the door that remains locked, never to be entered.
I am grateful for the joy and happiness he brought to my life for however breifly it lasted. Mark you oh silent book, I do not turn my face from love for it is a beautiful and wonderous creature. Nor harden my heart to those who feel its tender embrace. I just know that now , it is not meant to be in my life, or at least for any duration of time, and as I am not masochistic, I shall hereto and forever avoid falling into that situation ever again.
But to wallow in it distracts me from my duty and there is much work to be done. Out there beyond the bindings of this book , lays a world with people whose needs out way my own paltry ones. It is to them that I am dedicated. To be able to help one person, to give them some ease in life , or help them find a path to take, and if it be toward Corellon then more the better.
My wedding dress has been burned, and I think the silver cup meant for my own will go to grace the weddings of others, it seems to beautiful to destroy. It should have a function.
As I to have a function, I will close this entry as I have much work to be done.
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The Within and The Without
That summarily describes the mortal body and soul I think. There is that spacial place we all hold so dear, I call the within. Then there is that part that others deal with everyday of our lives I call the without.
For some the within is hollow, and when the exterior is rapped they toll with the resonance of a temple bell. Others so within the outside is never seen. They merely pass through life like a shade of a long forgotten loved one.
The question it seems is one of a delicate balance.
So many questions plague me of late, like ever moving , ever rotating circles. Questions of truth , loyalty and fealty.
When was given back to this world ,given the chance again. It was by the will of corellon. The people that found me , were not of one race. The family as they call themselves were all peoples. When it was time I should fledge, I was taken to the gypsy camp and took my oath. I became Gali. To me it seems that oath over all is paramount to all other things in life. It was human and helf, half-orc , elf and dwarf that helped me to learn to survive in this brave new world. I call them all brothers and sisters. Before the liberation , I remembered a story of the past.
Sitting by the fire one night, an elder elf asked the young elf. What is it you wish to do with your life. The young elf pondered in silence for awhile and then said "I wish to gain the knowldege and the skill that I need to be there for the people of my home. I wish to be the best I can be and that my family will know that I will always be there for them. " The older sat in silence and then softly said then so it would be.
These people, coming and gone are all races, ages and sexs are all my family as easily as if I had been born among them. I am proud of being Gali. So much so that if Elord were to turn his back on the Gali I would turn my face from him. These for me fall into the within and the without .
I when I talk to people my only decerning line is who is gali and who is not . I cannot turn to one race and or sex and say you are favored above all else. To the rom we were all the same. Something has been bothering me of late deep in the within . It was not until a speech was made on judgement and frivolous use of power, that it came to the fore. Alvar made a statement that opened my eyes.
He mentioned tensions and altercations in the camp previously and he said when all thought of themselves less as individuals and more as Gali then then tensions resolved themselves. I have to laugh , I should have known that people would take what I said and cloud it and make it sound as though I was persecuting that woman. When really I could care less. I merely used her own ruler to judge her.
Returning to the point , another circle arises, my alignment with the sisterhood. A good and noble organization, again of all races and ages. We even have and honorary male sister. We are not elitest to females. We help those in need regardless. I consider it an honor to count myself among them. Among my sisters , I count Gali sisters but that does not make them better, just maybe though an inch more loved. These are the within and the without. The sisterhood is not just some title I drag out and wear like a special garment when the mood suits me . My ties to them I wear proudly every day I walk. Though I do not wear the robe as much as my priestess robe. It goes where I go and can slip it on in less then a heartbeat.
At this point yet another circle, and within this circle something disturbing rears its ugly head and turns its face to me. This thing flies in the face of all I teach and try to do. Should I sit down and accept the value of this circle. Then all I have worked for, all that I have preached and taught, the many times I have tried to smooth relationships between elves and the outside world will mean no more then another grain of sand in a desert. Surely then , to accept what I have preached to espouse it , by appearance would be wrong and to embrace it fully would make my within toll like the afore mentioned temple bell ,low and sad over a grave yard.
Where to turn for council , I know not. My wise elder council is no more and my passionate heart still beats strong. This is a path I must walk alone fair or foul weather. A decision must be made soon.
On a side note , I think I would rather dance with Mr. Happy one more time in retrospect , I believe the demon was easier.
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When the world wakes up wonderful
First I must try to write this in some order. It all seemed to happen at once.
I suppose formost is my goal of enlightenment has been achieved and my prayers are no longer tormented. Though I bear the mark on my soul left by the touch of the evil thing. I know that one day with fervent prayer and hard work this to shall pass.
Though still not strong enough to pack corpses, there seems little need now . Every day the air grows fresher and cleaner as the stink of death dwindles.
I spend much of my time now as strength will forebear, checking the workers for signs of ill health, strains, fatigue or injury. All is going well. As the daunting task we began proceeds and the debris dwindles, the spirits rise at times where before I heard only the creak of the wagon and orders bellowed, now I hear song and laughter jokes and much merriment . It is good . Corellon be praised this is good. I try not to pass a group of workers without a word of praise or a smile their way.
It is easy to say that the world woke up wonderful , and soon the people will sleep in their own beds and the camp will again ring with the voices of life well lived.
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Body Tormented, Heart Restored
Again many days of faithful friend have passed, and I am in remiss of entry.
Stumbling my way to the sisterhood I saw my beloved shining before me as if in a dream. I was not sure of my vision , as the previous night I had watched the heads of the Gnolls in the carts swivel, their sightless eyes seemed to track me and ones lips drew back in a chilling rictus grin. Such was my delusion , when I came to my senses I had hacked the offending face to ribbons. I am only glad that I was alone as usual when my mind left me .
To return to Elords return. He led me back to camp, and we sat in the nook. As much as I attempted to divert him, as I do others , he is as a dog on a bone. A fever sweat was the final undoing of me. When the truth was out he did not turn from me. He assurded me of Corellons love and sighted his own past as an example. How the tables turned since we first met and it was I counciling him. For the past few days I have been little of myself , but in each moment that my eyes are open it is he I see and hear.
I retake my vow though, that when strong I will learn to cook, as the gruelike, brothy mixture I have taken from him these past days is less then palatable . Redolent of old boot stewed with tree bark. Now I am stronger, he leaves to rejoin the work teams in the back of the camp.
I am free to move about shakily, and make use of what stored energy I have to go to the sisterhood garden for my vigil to corellon. I usuallly return much be for he and have a chance to rest before, by the time he returns I am much improved and show the glow of improving health. However that damnable fever of unknown origin still plagues me he has not noticed, I have not said and I pray it will not be a further undoing.
I still have faith that the father will see I have atoned and learned the error of my ways. That I have learned the value of intolerance of evil.
There is a point of conjecture that still plagues me it is not my nature to think all things and people are evil until proven otherwise. The imp, yes, I am in agreement , I should have known , my punishment is of my own doing . I violated my reiligious tenants as if by my own hand I struck this blow on myself.
I still suffer at the hands of any and all spell casters and prayer givers, including my own and still suffer broken prayer and will no doubt do so until the good father finds it in his heart to grant me absolution.
As, I sit penning in solitude in the garden it dawns on me it is time to make my trek to the nook and resume my place by the fire. I pray my guardian mate will soon grant me his permission to begin journeys again as it is absolute boredom to sit hear like a lazy lump. So unused to being inactive, I feel this may lead to another form of craziness many call "stir crazy". So now I am off and to eagerly await my next mug of bootlace and treebark gruel, yummy!
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Another day , Another Gnoll
On this day despite the wagons and my misery my heart fills with joy and soars on wings as though carried to the height by Aerdrie herself. A runner has found me in camp , clad in a uniform I have never before seen he hands me a scroll, within which in the bold and hearty script are words of love. It seems somewhere in this mess before we began cleaning he left me a note of urgent leave. As I look around I can only sigh, it was no doubt swept away by myself or others in the frenzy to clean as a token of long ago habitation. He will be returning to me soon, I hurriedly penned my return of love and affection as bade the runner make haste and that the father would guide him and keep him safe. This scroll I shall carry near my heart til his return and it will give me the strenght to carry on .
I knew he was alright , oh Corellon be praised he is to return to me within a fortnight. I feel as though Corellon has heard at least one of my pleas. this garners me hope that the other will yet be heard by him. I shall renew my efforts to drag carcasses to the pyres and attack my vigils with a zealotic ferver.
My Elord will return to me , not taken away , merely detained. Oh father god you bless me now if you will but help me find my path, I am a daughter lost. Help me blessed father, please.
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Long has passed since I have written, I do so now so as to relieve my self of a miriade pile of small scraps of parchment . The days of the liberation of the camp we planned , the battle fought and one. I have nothing that could begin to describe those who fought so bravely and valiently . I mention them in each prayer I give to Corellon. May they be remembered of him , both elf and non elf, for they all fought as one soul , united of one heart and mind.
As I tell this tale now to those that visit , I wish to instill in them the awe and glory the almost religious state of exhaltation that gripped the warriors. It was as though the gods themselves came down to this plane and embodied them for the soul purpose of erradicating the evil that dwelt her.
When the last gnoll fell, another battle began. It is to this battle I find myself dedicated with equal fever, the battle to reclaim the camp. I only wish my mate gone these 56 days was here to share these days. I pray he returns soon.
Sadly my fasting these days and vigils have rendered me to weak to haul corpses anymore. My fervent hope is that corellon will hear my pleas for enlightenment and path. My humblest desire is to walk in his light and perform the service in his name to which I am trained. I also pray the chills and fever which comes and goes diminishes, as it is particularly annoying . I have checked myself for corpse sickness, and found no signs , no sores or rash, I have to admit that the origin is a mystery to me . At the present moment I ignore it as it is more a nuisance then a hinderance. I will, as with pain and other mild afflictions ignore it for the present time.
What troubles me deepest is my affliction in prayer that manifests in an inability to concentrate or gain peace , I have displeased the father, of this I fell with all my heart, and wish only that he would see my supplications and atonement and grant me forgiveness and peace. My one saving grace is no one else has noticed any change in me or my behaviors. My robes are loose enough that my tremors or weight loss go unnoticed they deduce the fever sweats I am sure to my chronic nearness to the Pyres. I must take better care to aliviate any suspicions that could crop up and ally and fears. This will all work out in the end Corellon willing .
There is so much more to write , but the page swims as does my mind, a powerful thirst grips me I cannot slake, no matter how large the draught I take. My canteen as empty as my mind I go to seek water and attempt prayer or if failing that wrap up in a fur I found next to the heart in the nook .
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So this is life
I watched the war zone from the hill top, though not an active participant it did not stop me from randomly running into an area to heal as I could and then to do my usual trick and disappear before the person knew who did it . I feel this saves time and embaressing gratitudes. I prefer quiet effieciency.
What I saw upon the field, was more then one heart could bear. So much carnage. Many of those I know and knew, badly wounded or beyond redemption. The screaming , with a dazed mind and no direction save my training I turned in circles. I had begun to formulate how to dodge the barrage when I was ordered by my sister to the hill top and beyond reach of the volleys and fires. Below me a scene of chaos, pictures of the nine hells. The normally pristine snow, runs with rivers and lakes of blood. Here and there dark patches can be seen. The charred remains of once was a life , a life that once had dreams, desires, lust or love. It may have sang a merry tune that very morning or kissed a loved one good by.
Above the field now, even the near freezing temperature of the air cannot quell the what wafts from the field the smells of fire, the bittersweet odor that accompanies the charring of flesh and or course the ever redolent familiar coppery smell of lifes own essence.
My normally merry light heart beats leaden in my chest, my mind a tumble. I take one moment of silent prayer in that Elrien was called home to his family . For as surley as the sun rises he would have been there. He would have been lost to the chaos scene below .
Before I leave the hilltop I evoke the name of corellon , that he may give might, strength and courage to those below. To guide them and hold them dear, though not all are elves. I feel gods grant lieniency in times of disaster. In my minds eye they needed all the help they could get .
It was as we were leaving the hilltop that we came across Nawen , carrying her husband. Slowly we made our way to Jiyyd, again I was reminded that it could have been my husband to be I packed or he, me for I would have been at his side. He was torn from my heart not to hurt me but to save him, for I truley believe that Corellon has much work planned yet for Elrien, and so he lives and for that I give thanks.
After Othar'a was cared for and fit to travel we returned home. The battle was still raging , the sounds of it ringing through the air . Where will it end, when will it end and how.
I now sit penning wilst among my family around a merry fire to warm the coldest heart among us.
No doubt I am wrong in how I feel at this time because of lack of knowledge base. I review of the situation. I see no rhyme nor reason for the scene beyond my doorstep. I see only carange and waste of life . The lack of orginization and information as fatal as the balistas and catapults themselves. Ignorance is deadly. So much information has been withheld and oh so many rush in on blind faith. If one is to participate should one not know why one is dying?
My mind a muddle I write no more, I seek solace in the fire and let its warmth and secure wash and cleanse me . I pray for the new day.