3. Lilin

Lilin


  • ((Last one till sunday 🙂 ))

    Surrogate, Part 3

    Surrogate, Part Three

    When Chikae looked into her eyes, it was like he knew everything there was to know about Alzbieta. Every secret, every nuance of who she was, he knew without it ever having been said.

    The slave house was small, with barely room for the three of them. A small wood-burning stove snapped cheerfully as Alzbieta peered around. There was a simple cloth curtain in the corner, for what she assumed to be for changing for privacy, and carved walking stick near the door. It was an odd-looking stick, nearly pure white with the shape of the crescent moon at the top, and various silver charms attached all along the length. It was propped up next to one of the two beds in the simple hut. Looking at the two beds and frowning thoughtfully, she looked to Chikae and asked, "I thought you said there were three of us?" Chikae nodded, and that very moment, a woman entered. Her complexion was a dark brown and her hair nearly black, cut short, not unlike Chikae. She moved to stand next to him and smiled warmly to Alzbieta. Next to her Chikae looked thin, not that the woman was large, it was just Chikae was thinner. He smiled too, and motioned to the woman, draping an arm around her hip. "This is Hadiya, my wife," he added warmly and then motioned to Alzbieta, "Hadiya, this is Alzbieta, she's new…" his voice was filled with wisdom, and although Alzbieta was in a strange place with strange people, she felt safe. She curtsied politely, and Hadiya told Alzbieta that would not be necessary to bow to her.

    They settled around a simple table and Hadiya set out simple food, and they ate, Alzbieta was ravenous, and they smiled and talked and told of how they were from Chult. The Red Wizards had captured the two of them when they were on a pilgrimage far from their homes, in a place Alzbieta had never heard of. She told about her story, and their smiles faded, and they sighed, and told Alzbieta she was lucky to be sold to this farm, he was a poorer farmer and so treated his slaves more kindly, because they were too expensive to replace. They stopped, and there was a long silence like they were holding something back from her. She asked if they thought that her brothers would be as lucky as she was, they said no. Alzbieta stared down at her plate for a long moment before breaking into tears and slamming her fists down violently, cursing the Red Wizards over and over again. The other two said nothing, and when Alzbieta looked up to glare at them, she saw Chikae staring into her eyes. When Chikae looked into her eyes, it was like he knew everything there was to know about Alzbieta. Every secret, every nuance of who she was, he knew without it ever having been said.

    The work was not so hard for Alzbieta, and they got every seventh day off. Chikae had started teaching her about Selune, and how the night was the only time they had freedom, and that Selune's light gave them the good dreams they had. Alzbieta found comfort in what Chikae had to say about Selune. Chikae explained each charm on his staff from the top to the bottom, about the Selune in the sky, and the tears that followed it.


  • ((Begins in the previous post, I'm shooting for 2 pages a day, which will ultimately fail I think >_>))

    Surrogate Part 2

    Alzbieta swished her cotton skirt a few times before sitting down on the bank of the stream, watching the water flow past softly, an occasional object sliding down the waterway. She stroked the braid in her dark hair, checking it with her small fingers. She was an average Rashemen girl, dark in complexion, but short compared with the general population of Aber-Toril. It was a clear, warm, summer day and Alzbieta had decided to skip her chores to sit and watch the stream until her mother caught her. She would come out with her spoon held high in the air hollering with her might for Alzbieta to get back to work.

    But she never yelled. Alzbieta waited and waited until she was hungry for lunch and stood, tosses a few rocks underhanded into the stream to watch the splashes a scare the fish. She hurried up the bench and slipped through the woods around their cottage, skipping across the clearing their home set in a pushed the wooden door open to their thatched home. She stopped in the doorway, looking around inside. It was oddly quiet inside, she thought maybe momma had gone out hang the wash, so she moved through the kitchen, where a fresh pie still set cooling in the window. She pushed through the back door and looked about. The wash was on the line, hanging to dry, but still no sign of her mother. She was suddenly overwhelmed with fear and called out, "Momma! Momma!"

    There was no answer. The girl ran back through the house in terror, checking every room. When she came back out the front door again, there was still no answer! She was confused, terrified and couldn't comprehend where anyone could have gone. She started calling through the names of her brothers, Petro! Alexei! Dimitri! Jasha! She shrank back into the house as no response came from the woods around the house. She ran through the house again, when suddenly she froze as she heard the sound of footsteps nearby. She dived under the bed to hide from this stranger. They pushed through the open door and stalked about the house. Alzbieta crept out from under the bed and warily peeked out around the corner. To her relief it was her mother and brothers, looking frightened. She ran to them and hugged them, crying in joy they were safe.

    The smiled and hugged the scared little girl, and took her to where they were having a picnic. She was quickly smiling and laughing again, and a lazy day was spent playing and laughing, the chores could be passed for one day said the mother, on this holiday of Uthger. Petro, always the joker, and the smartest of the brothers, chirped in that every day was a holiday for Sharess. Momma promptly silenced him, and they all laughed.

    As the sun was getting lower, they packed their things and returned to their home. They worked to finish a few chores until just before sunset, when they ate again. A waning Selune rose that night, and they all slept quietly until just before sunrise, when a loud echoing horn woke them. They scrabbled outside and peered around. They knew the sound of the horn. They trembled and waited for what seemed like hours until a lone man draped in heavy red robes walked into the clearing and spat.


  • ((This thread needs a second page badly lol ^^;))

    Surrogate, part one

    Zyeraidah paced the end of the barge, staring back up the river Thazarim at the desolate land the river passed through. He watched the short grasses idly, imagining the battles before him that had taken place on this land, and his mind stuck on the Mulhorandi invasion that had been pushed back here so many years ago. He blinked, and spit over the edge, running his hand over the tattoos upon his hairless scalp. Zyeraidah was a tall man, of middle age, though slim and gaunt. His skin was sallow, and his face apathetic, mostly because he, like many of the Mulan, had no eyebrows. In its place his head had been ornately decorated with designs of a great devil long since gone from the lands of Toril. He spat again, and wondered how a person from a family like his, in a group like the Red Wizards could be assigned to a river barge. He renewed the enchantment driving it, and stalked back the crew shelter, a simple tent-like structure made from a heavy canvas and poles built into the floor of the barge. He passed through the open door, barely nodding at the Rashemi that were sitting around inside, playing cards on a crate and smoking. Zyeraidah rolled his eyes and stood idly in the corner, watching with uncaring brown eyes. As the hand ended, one stood, Zyeraidah only knew him as Woz, he walked out of the tent, bowing respectfully as he passed, and moved down the aisle between the crates to a larger tent at the opposite end of the barge.

    Woz was younger than Zyeraidah by maybe ten years, and was worth a considerable amount of dislike in his eyes. Woz was short and squat with a dark complexion and eyes, his ruddy brown hair was shaved all except for one short ponytail that grew out the back of his skull. His head was bare otherwise, though he hoped to get it tattooed when they reached Mulhorand. He stopped and checked an unsealed crate shifting through some of the burlap bags inside which contained their cargo, drugs. Mostly narcotics, it was seedy stuff that the lesser nobles bought up in great amounts. He closed it again and brushed the closed flap aside and walked into the dimly lit structure. Thunder rumbled somewhere near by.

    Some twenty pairs of eyes flashed up and looked at Woz as he entered. He had always hated how they did that but supposed they had nothing better to do. The whole room clinked as they shifted the chains of their interconnected manacles rattling noisily. They were all sorts, mostly mutts from all sorts of places, all wearing little more than rags. Damn slaves, he thought and glowered at them for a moment more, just so they knew his distaste. One though, caught his eye as he did this. A young girl, little more than 16, of obvious Rashemen decent, she still had her long dark hair in the single braid of those people, like she thought she shouldn't be a slave. She stared down at the floor, shaking, he couldn't decide if she was angry or scared, but he had never noticed her before. He stared at her for only a moment longer, before turning on his heel and walking back out.


  • It was night again, and Lilin watched the moon rising with some tension. It was only half full, but it would be completely full soon. She sat there, on the cold stone floor for a time, contemplating what to do now. She had just finished her evening prayers and the tools of it lay strewn about the floor. She slipped her golden holy symbol, a dagger, back into its proper place on her hip, and gathered up her prayer books, stopping to smile slightly at the illuminations and the words printed inside, especially the Mulan ones she couldn't understand. She stacked them neatly all along the top of her cabinet, out of the reach of little hands.

    Lilin had a small basin set up in the corner of her room, filled with water and a little sand. She scrubbed her hands and face, and then quickly dried them off, staring up at the moon again, and frowning slightly. She moved to the door, but was stopped by her own reflection. The reflection looked back her apathetically, her features danced on by shadows from the flickering candle, though the moon's light made her see herself perfectly clear as she looked into her own eyes. They were green, as they always had been, but there was a flicker there, that hadn't been before. Fear… anger… she wasn't sure what it was, but she couldn't help trying to watch those eyes as she moved her vision down the rest of her form. She reached back and gathered her hair, pulling it back into a bun and frowned softly again, trying to decide if she really was changing, or if it was just paranoia creeping up on her.

    Those green eyes drifted back to the window, eyeing the moon warily, and her bare feet moved softly to the door. The door cracked open at her touch, and she peered up and down the hall instinctively, before calmly slinking out, and moving to the garden. She moved to the opposite side, slipping through the grapevines quietly, brushing them aside as she traveled through them, stopping behind a pillar to make sure no one was at the shrine to Selune. She moved forward nervously, watching carefully for anyone else as she smoothed down the grass and took a seat cross legged, watching the moon reflect off the perfectly still Statue for the longest time. Her mind was clouded.

    Quiet. Dark. Safe…… …resist the beast…how do you resist something that’s always there, on the fringes of the darkness of your mind, waiting for the smallest thing to set it loose so it can come clawing out at you. Running. That's always a good way to deal with the pain. Just run away and it won't hurt so much, the beast will go away again, and you can go back to being happy, until something stops going your way again. She's angry, always angry… I don't know what to think…The leaves rustled.

    The thick scent of blood filled her nostrils. Lilin clutched at her leg, trying to slow the bleeding, staring up in horror at the dark figure above her. A deep red gash ran down her bare right thigh, and she couldn't muster the strength to stagger back up to her feet, let alone try and run from this terrible aggressor. She cried out in pain as he approached, her fear tearing deep into her heart, she thought she would explode from the tension. As the head drew closer, the fear began to mix with a seething anger, the feeling of a cornered cat, an animal with no where to run, no where to hide. The beast, the panther, tore at her from inside, growling to be let loose, terrible. It'd be easier if you did. Lilin swallowed hard and panted, her breathing slow and shallow, trying desperately to focus as it drew closer and closer. It was upon her now, laughing coldly, inches from her face. It was screaming at her to let it lose, and she felt her control sinking away as the noise in her head got louder and louder, her heart filling with rage…

    She gasped, falling over into the grass, feeling for her beating heart and for her own face. Slowly, her eyes shifted around to assure her she was still at home and she found Nyda's pale face, eyeing it nervously. "Hush," she said softly, lifting and cradling Lilin, making her very awkward. Her eyes darted around as her breath returned to normal, "talk to me.. tell me what troubles you."

    "It was a nightmare I guess…"

    "This shrine is not.. a place for nightmares.. it is a place for peace and protection.. tell me about it"

    "Tindra told me to try meditating to help me with my control... but… It just happened fast, it dark, a new moon I think, deep inside a thick forest... I was alone, naked and there was a bad cut on my leg." Nyda nodded, still holding Lilin gently, "Right here..." Lilin paused to trace where she imagined it was on her right thigh," ... and... there was something bad there, standing over me, watching me writhe and try to get away… I couldn't stand and I couldn't run... and I was afraid... and as he got closer I got angry like I do when I get really upset or when I'm about to... " Lilin trailed off and Nyda nodded understandingly. "I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing Nyda. Everyone keeps telling me to resist the beast, but nobody can tell me how." Lilin declared with exasperation, Nyda only nodded slowly."You probably don't know either, do you..."

    " I probably understand more than you think.. but no, there is no easy three step plan to controlling it …as for resisting it? who told you to?"

    "Tindra..."

    "Well.. I would hope she knows what she speaks of.. but it sounds wrong to me," Lilin furrowed her brow at that. "How to explain.. hmm.. Think of Rolan a moment"

    "Okay…"

    "You know how he feels about Aelthas and how he gets when he feels he is being thwarted.. would you ask him to resist that anger, those emotions, to turn off his love of the boy and his desire to care for him in his own way?"

    "But if I get angry I could..."

    "Do you think Tindra never gets angry?"

    "Tindra can control herself when she's werecat though."

    "Yes, but does she do it by resisting her inner beast.. or by controlling it? There is a big difference"

    "She said that you can't control it... you just have to give into it and you have to hold it back... depending on what you want to do..."

    "She would know better than I… Perhaps she is right… It does not.. never mind" Nyda sighed and shook her head slightly.

    "What? no... finish"

    "You suppress the beast by denying anger?"

    "Well... avoiding it right now... I usually just run away if something upsets me"

    "And so you deny your right to be yourself. To be upset by what upsets lilin, to be made angry by what angers Lilin …It is my opinion that what you need to do is separate your emotions from it's …And no.. I don't have a magic wand or a good answer even as to how… You need to be allowed to have your own feelings, whilst preventing them from freeing the beast… that can only be done.. in my opinion.. by either keeping you as separate as you can within yourself.. or by blending your intelligence and desires and will, with it's rage and anger and instinct."

    Before they could finish, Red showed up trailing a mage that was being hunted by a man named Ridean, and an overly confident monk Lilin didn't know but had seen before. When they finally left, Lilin went back to thinking, alone.


  • Moonlight
    ((please don't shoot me gobbletom))
    A thick layer of snow gleaned as two figures sat huddled in a thick blanket by a small fire, watching the embers rise up lazily in the cold dusk air. They bowed their heads in prayer, speaking quietly for salvation for one or at the very least, safety for them both this night as the fading purple hues danced on their faces and their hearts searched for a purpose to the madness that one would to experience. They waited, listening to the night.

    There was a girl, and there was a boy. He embraced the girl lovingly, holding her tight, as she leaned into him meekly, pressing her head against his, her usually lightly tanned features paled from sickness from the awful green plant she loathed, a couple of whose leaves laid beside her. She sighed, her small body trembling in the cold, the cheap clothes she wore, doing little to protect her from the cold. Fog rose thick from her lips as she breathed, dancing on the air, the man staring at her quietly, as she watched the fire nervously, the dull green of her eyes barely reflecting its glow. It was a small clearing, a wooden wall on one side, and thick trees on the other, all bare, except for the aspens that could be seen many feet in, covered thick with snow, standing out like white spires in the night.

    A torpid silence fell on the woods as the sun set, the smoke from the fire barely visible as it wafted upwards, blurring the twinkling stars coming into view. The man hugged her gently, imparting a soft kiss upon her reddened cheek, stroking her long blonde hair a time standing. It worked his hands to gently wrap the blanket tight around her, her own arms drawing it close, embracing the warmth it gave. Without a word, shrunk away from her, never to be seen again by her that night. She huddled there, alone, and small in the dark, with a familiar enemy rising smoothly above the trees to meet her.

    She waited, trembling, as all the thoughts in the world about her curse rolled through her mind, in painstaking slowness that made the minutes seem like hours as they rolled by… wondering if she was clinging on to madness, if this was what being insane meant. Was it faith or pain that she was clinging to now? Was this given to her to trick her, or to give her a gift… she had been in the darkness for so long. Always the light was at the edge of the darkness glowing bright, the new dawn, a little more control… less blood. And always it seemed that the light was still so far away, that she was going across an infinite space, or not going at all, frozen in place. She wanted consolation, to know she was not abandoned, she felt -her- love still, steady acceptance, vigilance and patience as she walked these lands, trying to maintain her steady step as she moved through her existence, quietly trying to make herself be someone good, friendly, loving. Maybe this was a test to see how well she could keep her feet planted, how long she could bane the evening and still have love, it was nights like this she felt she was falling, slipping down away from everything, but when the morning came, everything rose back to the top, she would be content again, to do her little deeds, walk and talk with her friends, find comfort in the arms of the man she loved… to falter now would be a great mistake. She just wished she wasn't so alone, and as she turned to watch the stars, wondering if she would have salvation, it came, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

    The panther was hungry, as always, and immediately set out in search of food. Shaking free of the blankets and the tattered clothes, it sniffed the air, searching for prey. There was the usual scents, the aspen trees, the deer, and one of a person. A scent the panther knew, and was always somewhat annoyed with. The few times it had come out, it had searched for hours and hours, until the sun came for the scent of the person, but no matter how long it followed it, it could never find it. By now, it had given up trying to find it, and simply found it less laborious and almost equally delicious to hunt the deer. They were difficult to hunt still, but where not invisible, the panther could sneak up on them until they spotted its black figure against the snow, and then she would have to take great bounds across the snow to stop it.

    She spotted one, nearby and slipped quickly through the trees, keeping low in the snow, licking her muzzle in anticipation, she ducked under a pine tree, careful not to disturb the snow piled on the branches, and waited for the deer to turn away, when it did, she move painstakingly slowly out from underneath its branches, taking two careful steps towards it before flicking her black tail once and pouncing upon it. The scent of the person was nearby, so as he ate her meal, she often looked up, checking her surroundings carefully for anything that would steal her dinner, licking blood from her muzzle each time. There never was anyone she could see.

    This was something she found some comfort in… though she was not herself, she was not entirely gone from this frame as the cat took over, it was still her, though she was a cat, whose desires sometimes seemed absurd and insatiable, but learning the balance with it was slow and tedious. She thought she was making some headway on the panther's desire for human flesh.

    After she had finished, she climbed up into a tree with little snow and cleaned herself carefully, lazily looking out upon the woods, her stomach full and the panther contented for now. She closed her eyes and slept away the moon.


  • Sunrise

    Lilin woke slowly from one of those dreams that was not important enough to remember. That is, she was dreaming, as she always did as she slumbered peacefully in Cike's embrace, but the thoughts were so happy and loose in her head that should could not remember them from the moment her eyes began to flutter open to meet the darkness outside their window. As it often did, her morning began early. This was not by choice; her feelings of prudence towards displaying her figure to anyone other than Cike made her feel incapable of using the public baths while anyone else was.She lay under the sheets and woolen blankets, ponder weither or not to get up. Today would be such a long day, between the morning classes, and the events which would probably occur that night as well as her own daily stresses, however few they were.

    She waited only a moment more after deciding, rolling over gently to give Cike a kiss on the cheek before stepping out cautiously on to the cold stone floor. Her toes recoiled slightly as they felt the chill, but she continued anyway, gathering a red and black robe, and that day's clothes quietly from where she had laid them out the night before. She softly cracked the door open and slipped out, the lighting of the hall turning a dull red as she did, as the halls recognized the robe she carried. There were no glowbugs nearby, she would have appreciated the company, however short her trip was. She enjoyed the darkness and the way it played on her senses now, it was something she would miss… perhaps.

    She stopped at the door to the bath and peered in, and seeing that it was empty, she slipped in, locking it behind her and pushed anything she could to block the door so she could maintain her privacy. She stripped was clothes she had on and watched herself in one of the full length body mirrors. Unable to decide what to think, she moved softly over to the baths and slowly sank down into one.

    After breakfast and her own reading class, Lilin and her two men, Cike and Aelthas settled down in the weaving room for another set of reading lessons. Aelthas was a quick learner, already a little a head of what should be expected for his age, though he seemed more in Whimsey most of the time than reading or writing. As the two of them worked on thier reading, Lilin began to work on an example for her other students for the childrens books they were working on, she had started it already and had nearly finished, though trying to do careful coloring had taken most of her time. She was careful not to let Cike's prying eyes see it until it was all done, though she could not help but smile as she read over her work.

    @6a598b304a:

    Once upon a time, there was a lion and a panther. The Panther was lonely because she had no best friend, and the Lion was sad because he had no best friend.

    @6a598b304a:

    Every day, the Panther would sit and watch the animals coming and going from the woods

    @6a598b304a:


    One day, the lion came limping back from the woods, and the Panther asked what was wrong. "Ah," the Lion said "I fell into a thorn bush and there is a thorn stuck in my paw."

    @6a598b304a:

    The panther was a very wise little animal and pull the thorn out of the lion's paw, so it hardly hurt him at all. The lion smiled to her, and they sat together watching the animals come and go from the woods

    @6a598b304a:


    The Lion and Panther were both very happy because they had found new best friends. They played and sat together and lived happily ever after.


  • Lilin stirred in the pile of furs and blankets in their tiny tent, bumping into the sleeping mass that was Cike before drifting back into sleep.
    –--
    Lilin was there, in a familiar scene... with her family infront of the small fires that had replace the huge camp bonfires that had warmed her before the camp fell. She remembered feeling alone then, and she felt alone now, staring up at the full moon clearing the cliff, and feeling this awful knot in her stomach, the sickness that she had taken to mean the change was coming.

    She took off south without a word to her family, stopping only when the fires were out of sight. The headaches took over and her mind swirled as she struggled to grapple with the panther inside her trying to get out, before her knees gave way and it overcame her. But it was different this time, she felt the robe fall away as it tore from her frame, the hair shooting out from her skin, feeling her bones crack and shift... and then it stopped. She looked around, seeing things with a clarity and perception she had never known before, her senses sharper than the keenest knife.

    And she was aware of who she was, and knew where she was, and saw the moon, and took comfort in it... it was not the daemon she had feared, it was a blessing as she had prayed, a rush to her senses, a godsend. She stalked over to the stream, past a dead spider with an arrow in its eye and watched her reflection for the longest time, reaching up to touch her face with clawed paw in amazement. It was the rush Tindra said it would be. She sniffed, and found a familiar scent on the air. Raising her head and sniffing again she set off back north to find it.

    It was just the scent she thought it was, and she stopped as she saw Cike, looking at him, curiously as he paused, feeling her ears perk and focus on him.

    "Ah... Lilin?" Her clumsy cat jaws fumbled for a response on Lilin's end, and Cike started walking forward reaching out to touch her, and she craned her neck and laid her ears back, letting her touch him, purring loudly, ask he inquired "Ah Lilin? ... tis I Cike... Love is that you." She stopped, gave a small nod, and closed her eyes again, resuming nuzzling Cike's hand.

    She stopped again, and opened her eyes, sniffing the air, not noticing Cike's bewlindered expression as she stalked south a ways for the source of the odor, Cike quickly following on her paws.

    There they were, 10 bulbous disgusting, white big silkstrand spiders, and without hesistation, Lilin charged towards them and tore them to shreds with her claws, ripping them leg to leg over and over again, until they all laid in a goopy mess, and Lilin turned back to Cike to look into his eyes, brushing goop off her fur, and realizing what an incredible blessing she had, and as the sun rose, and cracked and shifted back to her human form, standing naked before Cike, she wasn't so afraid of it anymore, because she knew that Bast had intended this for her, and she knew she was watching her servant closely and smiling upon her for embracing her gift.

    Lilin stirred again as light hit her eyes through the pinholes in the canvas of the tent. As her eyes fluttered and her body stretched as she woke, she was filled with the comfort of knowing that it was Bast's gift to her, and that her friends would not stop helping until she could embrace that gift without endagering anyone.


  • I wanted to die. I thought I head. My chest heaved with the pain of breathing and I felt as though my heart was going to implode from lack of pressure. The thick scent of human blood filled my nostrils as I gasped for air, writhing in pain from open wounds. The blood was my own, and my skin was coated in a thick layer of it as my heart filled with a terrible fear, that was overwhelmed by the sickness and pain I felt. My head felt as though it would cleave in two and my stomach like I had eaten a large serving of bad meat. I was mostly naked, my blacked brass armor lay in its various components around me coated in blood. I pulled on the robe in the top of my bag and watched in my own horror as the blood soaked through the fabric.

    I shivered as my blood curdeled in fear. I prayed that because my sister and my fellow traveller had escaped to safety, and my heart nearly stopped as what had occured flashed through my mind, a terrible strike of steel across my thoughts, one that spawned greater pain in my already aching head. My pain was great, but not so overwhelming that I was not able to crawl across the floor and prop myself into a sitting position on against the door frame, trying to bandage the still thickly bleeding bites and gaping lacerations from the claws that had tore into my flesh.

    I pushed my head back against the wall, praying that the pain would subside, and as the thoughts ran through my head, I heard speaking on the outside of the inn… without hesistation or forethought, I rose shakily and with the help of the door frame went out into the darkness, as my eyes slowly adjusted, I was greeted by familiar faces, looking at me with both confusion, relief, and layer of fear, having been told what my apparent fate had been. Theon closed my wounds with a single blessing and several tended to clearing my blood covered form, revealing pinkened cheeks below the layer of blood. Sy'wyn fed me bellodana and it made me feel more sick before it got better, though the pain in my head persisted.

    I made it home without difficulty, and relaxed my tired form in Vroka's shop with the company of Pete and Star, falling asleep and resting through the night without incident, before waking to bathe in the Silver Valley. I made for several weeks without incident until another bright full moon waxed its why into the night sky. I don't even recall it happening. We slayed a bugbear assassin, the gaurds ran out and big hulking bugbears ran towards us, swinging thier flails wildly, I hung back aiming for thier key spots with my long bow, the next I knew, my eyes strained against the darkness as I was carried into the glenn and cared for by Cike, without ever telling me what happened.

    When he left, I waited, like a good girl. My head ached so much, and I was so greatful when we finally left, though Cike still did not tell me what happened. I didn't find out until he called me over to tell me, he had already told Nyda, and she promised to help me. My head started throbbing as they started relating beliefs about curing it and what had happened.

    "A gift." They said. What kind of gift makes me attack those I love? Why do I have to fear the moon so now? If this is what Bast had intended for me, why did it pain me so to recieve? And yet in my heart, the more I think about it there is an overwhelming belief that I have been given a gift by her. I was bitten by a werewolf, and yet my Lycanthropy is that of a cat and not a wolf? Is that normal of Lycanthropy? Does the infector pass the same type of infliction on to the infected?

    Lady Bast, I pray you can hear my cries for your message telling me what I should do with what I have. Have you given me a blessing, or have I been cursed by some force? Do I repel this from my body or embrace it to better serve you? Is what happened in norwick growing pains of accepting this blessing? Is it like how the greater blessings I recieve from you feel strange?


  • Yet another cold day. I'm beginning to believe that I will never see another warm day out in the Nars again. A titmouse cried out its high alarming cry from the woods behind me as I crossed over the Bridge. I had prayed outside at the fountains of the city and a safe trip… I had got it. I made it to Jiyyd without incident and had settled down in front of the well to read my prayer book, turning to page 37, a prayer given by a Celebrant before she was killed in a battle against Yuan-Ti.

    I had barely made it through two lines before a commotion arose with the news that Eastlanders and travelers were warring out on the bridge. I was resolved to stay in Jiyyd. It was not right to fight my fellow human, I had enough of it, knowing what the crystals had done and caused between my friends and myself, it was not right.

    I waited. People came back, stood, talked, and left again. I read my prayer book at whatever spare moments I had, standing to bandage the injured, and encouraging Merin to return those who had been turned to stone back into flesh. People came back, Nico shouted Rass was coming, we moved all those petrified people to the legion hall, I told Grog and Rhy to say inside for cover. They didn't listen and ran back outside. I waited and peeked out to check the coast was clear before leaving the hall completely. Fires burned all the grasses and the crops, and we had to put them out.

    It was over then. A bit of discussion about what had happened, what to expect. I did not know what to do. I prayed things would go well, that there would be no war against fellow humans… I can only hope they will be answered. I was waiting for some one, anyone, with a friendly face to hear me, listen to what I had to say, I was unsettled about all of this. It was not right.

    Vine came. I asked him to listen, he asked to go some place quieter.
    He looked at me, his one eye piercing my skin looking for desperation, "what troubles you?" I stared out across the lake and sighed, asking if he knew what had happened to me because of the crystals. He nodded. "I know a bit, but not all, are you referring to your blessings from Bast?" he asked calmly. Nodding slowly, I asked him if he knew what it was like. "I know that for most of my life, I believed prayer to my god to be something wholly unnecessary, as he did not hear me anyhow. I have never felt his loss, no. I just never knew the pleasure of his presence." I told him that it was like a piece of me was gone, a part of me that had been with me for so long and then all of a sudden… gone.
    "But tell me, why is it gone do you think its gone?"
    I guess because Bast didn't like the crystals… but... I was saved, just like she was during the time of troubles, and she was forgiven.
    "Who forgave her?"
    Anhuir, Nobanion... all of the other gods she was close to. There were eight.
    "So who's forgiveness do you need and has she abandoned you or did you forget how to talk to her while you spoke to a crystal?"
    I have forgiveness from everyone... I've sought it out... And I've read my prayer books over and over again, and I pray every dusk, just like I should
    "Have you forgiven yourself?"

    Had I? Was I so afraid of what I had done to others, my goddess, and myself that I could not forgive myself for what had happened? Was it my right to forgive myself when I don't even know what was me for those years I was in the crystals grasp. It is possible for anyone to forgive themselves for something like that.

    It is alright now though isn't it? I'm free. I am allowed to love you once again in my way, not any rocks way. I want to serve you, and I know that those I have failed have forgiven me. I know that in my heart now that I can forgive myself for what I have done, because I have realized the error of my ways, I have been bathed in the purifying waters by those who have saved me from that evil, and I shall not be swayed again.

    Vine and I talked for a while, he left at sunset to go find Tala. I prayed.

    "Lady Bast, I am still searching for what has happened to me, I don't know how to forgive myself though, Is that what you want from me? I truly hope you have forgiven me for what happened to me, just as those I care about have forgiven me. But how can I forgive myself? I was swayed to those crystals, I let you out of my heart... or you were forced out, because of some rocks that I said I joined because I wanted to protect people? Is this true? I wish I knew my trespasses and what has happened to me. I can forgive myself for what I did... I truly want to be happy again Cike and Aelthas... my faith in you... my family... the legion... freedom... I have no reason to be sad any more.... Watch over them Bast, please, do not let them come to harm, I love them all dearly. Never let that fade away, please. My heart is ready for you again... I know this now."


  • ((another shortie :o))

    "My lady Bast, I am thankful for yet another day I walk these lands. I pray that my service to them will fruit in spreading happiness and stopping hate and pain. I am thankful for all the gifts of happiness you have given me, from my friends, to Cike, and my sisters. I pray you watch over them and keep them happy, and this will be a wonderful night and an even better tomorrow. I pray I will return to your grace soon. I cherish my faith in you above all else."

    Every single day is a long slow wait till sunset for me. I pray it ends soon, because its the dawn of another beautiful morrow, filled with hope that it will be a good day. The best day yet.

    I spent the whole night with a big group of Legionnaires and Cike out in the spider woods, and the only thing it served to do was remind me how weak and useless I am now. I've always felt I needed someone to protect me, and now I can barely even fend for myself, I wouldn't even go out to the central plains alone.

    Its terrible. I sit in front of a mirror in our room at the Alliance Arms, with Kell sleeping lazily on the bed, waiting for Aelthas to wake up so they can go play. There is spider gunk in the braids Cike worked so carefully to make, I see myself frown, I really don't like seeing that, It seems like I've done it a lot lately.

    Gently I pull out the flowers Cike had braided in, looking at the beautiful red and yellow blossoms he had grown. Their smell was so sweet and beautiful, I caught myself smiling and I couldn't help but pause and thank Bast for blessing me with his love. I truly don't deserve him.

    I watched the sun rise again, and waited for Aelthas to wake up so we could go play outside, it looked like it was going to be a nice day. A good day, better than yesterday. Maybe today, I'll be made whole again.


  • ((Much shorter, defiently not one of my favorites to write, probably isn't as good as the first four))

    Aftermath

    Its almost as though I'm alone all again. The crystals are gone, and I'm unbanned from all the places I could not go, but still it is a hollow feeling without her. I wonder how long she has been gone from me. I prayed to her still every day in the collective. I prayed to close portals, I prayed her to drive back undead, I prayed to her to expel the demons, and still she's gone. Such emptiness I have never known, and I had hoped never to experience.

    It has though, and I tried to hide from it. My fear of facing those I had wronged and my goddess made me hide away, but I couldn't hide from Cike. I should have known that, he could always find me before. It just wasn't possible for me to hide from him, and he caught me outside of the Boar's Head Inn in Norwick and marched and we sat and talked at the benches at Norwick for a long while about my faith. He left for a moment to go take care of something I did not inquire into, and I headed towards Jiyyd to sit on The Rock and wait for someone to apologize to. I had a list.

    Much to my surprise though, the ban had been lifted. I peeked my head inside the gate and Nalio and Healea were already there. The grass was green and the crops had grown back, it was as nice as I had remembered it. I saw Tanya and Elith sitting on the benches, I wanted to apologize to them first, I had missed their wedding and the birth of their child. Tanya treated me so nicely, I was so worried she would be angry to me still, but she held no grudge against me, something I couldn't ask for. She just "wanted things to go back to how they were before."

    After Tanya came Fadia and Mog, they all forgave me without a second thought, I am so lucky to have such good friend that they would forgive my trespasses without second thought, I just hope my lady is as forgiving as they are.

    I pray every day, just as I did before, but now prayers are more meaningful then they ever where before, something I didn't think possible because they were already my strength and joy. I'll write them down here so she can see them again, if somehow my prayers did not reach her:

    _"My lady I pray to you tonight for help I pray that you could give me the strength to give other people pleasure and happiness again. I pray that you watch over Cike and I… and I pray that I may return to your loving graces soon so I can return to giving pleasure with warmth in my heart. I pray that all I love are protected and I can find the forgiveness I seek. I pray to you."

    "Bast, my lady, today is another day that I have not been in your graces. I pray you take me back soon. Seeing my fellow adventurers in pain, and not being able to help them return to joy and revelry was painful to me. I pray that all the people I have done wrong forgive me, and that I can do what ever it takes to make them happy again. I pray for your graces so the Yuan-Ti can be pushed back further, and that I can fill this longing in my heart for you. I cherish my faith above all else. Be well my lady, and bless those I love and those who love me."_

    I pray she hears Cike's prayers too… he does them out of passion for me

    _"Ah Lady Bast, tis I again, I pray for Lilin. Ah I pray that you do bless her once again. Ah know you of her kindness, know you of her love, forgive her her mistake and bless her once again to help others as she used to."

    "I thank you for aiding those who returned me to the good path, and I thank you for the kindness and acceptance they have shown me as I seek forgiveness to cleanse myself"_ (my prayer to finish his)

    My love for you will never fade for you Lady Bast, and I pray you will return that love to me once again someday. Look into my heart and see I have been cleansed by those who care for me, much like you were cleansed by Sune, I hope to feel you in my heart again soon

    I picked up my bow for my first real fight again today. Ice Giants were attacking Jiyyd. Nalio fought the Giants up close and died… I tried to save her with badages but didn't make it in time... that hurt. Elrien asked me why I couldn't heal and I couldn't say anything, I felt so bad. Then Tuluka died when we moved out to the East Road to try and defend the city better. I went spent all 1000 gold I had on Healing potions... but nobody would take them from me, I couldn't understand it. I'm not writing with as much detail as I used to... but I don't think I could handle expressing how I feel any more vividly than this...

    "Lady Bast, I thank you that all made it through that fight well, allthough they may have been fallen for a short period of time, you blessed them to return to these lands to walk it with joy once again. I thank you for giving my feet stable and swift as I led those Giants from my injured friends, and I pray I will be able to reach those who are injured in time next time . May the potions I have purchased to replace what my hands can no longer do be blessed with your touch, and let me pray my hands do not shake as I bandage others. I thank you my lady, and I hope you return to my heart soon."


  • (( I had to log before we finished RPing so Cike & Vine, forgive me if this isn't what happened, we'll just have to get Cike wasted again ;)))

    This was not a night to sleep. The window showed that the night was crisp and clear, with only a few meandering clouds blocking the moon from time to time, but it was still not a night to sleep. I moved back over to the couch, my sisterhood robes, which I had never had a chance to take off, glided noiselessly over the wooden floor. Settling back down on the yellow couch, I slowly adjusted the light the lantern on the nightstand was giving off, not wanting to disturb the sleeping figure in the bed.

    The most delicate and softest of windows billowed through the open window, loosing a strand of my hair on occasion, sending it floating forward before the wind died and let it fall back down again. Picking up my prayer book, I flipped to a page that I had read a thousand times over, but still made me wonder. It was not a direct teaching, but was still a very valuable thought from one of high priestesses in Amn, added to the Book of Times between:

    "Bast traveled far and wide across these lands, her wanderlust leaving a trail of cults and followings of the nomadic madam. But during the Time of Troubles, when the gods of Faerun walked the lands as Mortals, that the dark one Shar almost subsumed Bast. She, who had aided Auhir so valiantly in the eternal war against Set, almost became the very thing she had fought against. However, through the grace of Sune, Bast was saved when she was bathed in purifying waters…"
    "…It is very important for all followers of the mother of cats to remember that they walk a path, although they may not wander as far as the lady they serve, the path is lined on both sides by the evils of darkness, hate, and pain."

    I stopped there, looking over to Cike's sleeping figure. His chest rose and fell quietly, and he stirred only occasionally in his sleep. He was so… peaceful sleeping like that, even though it might have been the Romani Wine he drank too much of that got him to that peaceful state… if that’s what he called it. I looked back to the book, staring at the hand-copied manuscript, wondering what to think of what he had said when he was drunk… "I wish I was an elf." Am I the other woman again?

    The door on the far end of the room opens and a little face peers through, looking for a familiar figure. Aelthas spots me and walks slowly across the room, looking groggy and a little upset, with a bad case of bed-head. I smile and lift him up onto my lap, sitting cross-legged on the couch so a good portion of my robes are unfilled and sit Aelthas on my lap, putting my weight against the high arm of the couch. He clings to me and buries his face into my chest instinctively.
    "Did you have a nightmare?" I ask, quietly smoothing his soft blonde hair back down. He nods. "Do you remember what it was?" He nods. I hug him tight and let him speak.
    "I cwouldn't fwind daddy. He stwopped coming to see me. You and daddy don't spend much twime together anymore." He sniffled and I took a deep breath, not knowing what to say.
    "Your daddy loves you and he won't stop doing that ever," I said after a long pause.
    "But why down't you and daddy spend so mwuch time apwart now?" Another question I wasn't ready to be asked, and wasn't ready to explain.
    "Your daddy and I were in love but we sort of… stopped being in love… we decided we should spend more time apart to think." Aelthas looked up at me like he was trying to read my response to see the truth in it his hazel eyes piercing my skin, it was hard not tell him the truth, but I knew he wasn't ready for it. "He won't ever stop loving you," I added reassuringly.
    "Do you still wove him?"
    "Sort of… but… I don't know how to tell you this Aelthas." He looked at me blankly, his face was still a little chubby, but it that was fading away quickly, his eyes showed genuine concern. "Your daddy will always have a special place in my heart, just like you will." He nodded and buried his face against my chest again, and we sat in silence for a long time before he looked up at me again.
    "Is he going to be my new daddy someday?" he asked with concern, pointing to Cike's still sleeping body.
    "Nobody will ever replace your daddy." He nodded and watched Cike for a moment. "Do you like Cike?" Aelthas noded and yawned.
    "He's reawly nice and his pwuppy is fwun." He added sleepily.
    "Me too."
    "I don't think I'd minwd him as a anwother daddy." I nodded, stroking his hair gently.
    "Don't you worry about that now Aelthas. Your Momma and Your Daddy will always be there for you." He drifted off to sleep, but I didn't carry him back to bed. The latern faded and I sat there in the darkness wondering what my heart was feeling. I cared for Cike a lot, almost as much as I did for Rolan, but was this something Aelthas was ready for? Was what he said something he could really handle? I couldn't find any answers, I stretched out slowly and just spend the rest of the night staring off into the darkness thinking about what my heart was trying to tell me.

    Rolan cares about Aelthas. A lot. He was furious when he said I wouldn't let him take Aelthas on a trip out into the Rawlins wood and brought up why I wouldn't let him take our son to Jiyyd. He called me petty and told me I would have to be the one to explain to Aelthas why he can't spend more time with his Daddy. I couldn't confide it in him that it was because I am in fear of how things will change, or what will happen to any of us; he already twisted my words of thought about the crystals back upon me, calling me dangerous.

    I am still lost, my heart is going in a million directions, and I don't know what to feel about anything. Rolan was so unwilling to change what he wanted to do to listen to the fears I will speak to him of, but it matters not. Do I really care that he is angry with me? Do I care even though I know that not letting them go on that trip is what is in Aelthas's best interest? What do I think of Cike… what does he think of me?

    I want things to go back to how they were. Quiet evenings in Jiyyd, no worries, and my friends all around me. Cike asks me how I can be so strong… am I? How much more am I willing to sacrifice for what I think is right?


  • A very nicely done story losl. I greatly to enjoy reading them, and am always looking forward to what you will think of next. Well done. 🙂


  • ((#3, Enjoy 😄 Disclaimer: Just a random stab at a nightmarish situation involving the crystals, by no means inspired by events [cept for the bebiliths and stuff] (unlike the ones before it) just a little sumthin sumthing Comments and Critism Always welcome, either here, in irc, or in a pm, I love to hear what people think 🙂))

    It was a cold morning, not unlike any other, fresh snow billowed across the well walked trails of the Nars, waiting for travels to clear the path with their footsteps again. There were no clouds, the snow storm had ambled Northward, following the thunderstorm that had rose up angrily as the sun set on Narfell the evening before. In the clear of the morning, the suns rays danced on the snow, making it glisten brightly.

    But the rays today, found a usual friend of theirs missing. The light touched the shards gently, caressing them, wondering where they had come from. All along the passes the light looked, and waited, but nothing happened. The light shone through, but nothing happened. No hum, no feeling, no crystals, save their shattered remains.

    As the crystals lay in their broken state, a traveler would stop and look at what was left of something so greatly feared in the cities that they would close themselves to the people who were of them. Their touch used to burn, but as he reached out cautiously, he felt nothing unusual about them. Nothing more than a plain rock in his hands, it still caught and bent some light onto the snow. But dangerous? Not any longer.

    As the light watched the traveler hustle back to the city's mighty walls to show what he had found, the rays flowed back down the Nars to the only town sympathetic to the crystals, but it never reached there. It hovered over a shrine, a sturdy but welcoming building with a black tiled roof, a haven for travelers in the Nars. It cast shadows as it shown, looking south as another storm brewed over the Rawlinswood. The armored figures outside frowned and stepped under the awning, calling out another storm was rising to the clergy inside.

    It was a deadly calm inside the temple, pious, but unnerving. The open room to the left of the large entry way was filled with cots, and the light saw there were the figures of people. The light watched them for a minute, as the lanterns placed around the room flickered and danced. Figures stood hunched over the cots, watching them… as unmoving as they were, except for the occasional sniffle or tear, a squeeze of the sleeping one's hand or the brief glance towards the door as the sound of thunder grew closer in the distance.

    The light watched those on the cots, surprised they did not stir or move. It would have mistaken them dead if it weren't for the slow rise and fall of their chest and they breathed deeply, as if in a sleep deeper than any it had ever known… the light thought them to be pale with death. The light shone on them, hoped they would stir, it saddened it to see them like this, but they did not wake. All was solemn as the light bent through the crystal shards in the snow.

    It watched them as long as they could. A red haired human lay next to a white haired male… two red haired elves lay on cots several spaces apart… a hin lay several cots down from them, cracked goggles lying on floor… a brown haired man whose dimples were hidden, his charming smile gone… and several cots away from them lay another with light blonde hair, a human, thin and young. A white haired man sat on the clean tiled floor, squeezing her hand, looking at her face, brushing the hair away from her eyes, to look at her sleeping face before caressing her cheek, as a tear welled up in the corner of his eye. He looked over and frowned, seeing the storm clouds closing in on the shrine.

    Thunder rolled. A terrible cacophony rose from the town to the south, a gong sounded to the south, and another storm began to come from the west. The light saw the people of the city were happy and smiling as the news of what the traveler had found spread. The atmosphere had calmed some and people began to return inside as the storms came.

    The screams carried as the wind blew north, but the city didn't need to hear them. With the storms they came, huge, terrible, ugly, vile. The gaurds rallied, the heroes rallied, they stood, and fought, but no matter how many they managed to slay, two more replaced the first, an enemy that came with each strike of the lightning, an enemy whose hides could not be pierced by arrows, and only the strongest blows of the champions could scratch. As the terrible spiders knocked through the walls as if they were nothing more than valium, they poured like ants into the city, killing everything in sight, from man to woman to child. Somewhere to the south an inn burned to the ground.

    The same happened to the south. The guards of the man who ruled the place lasted no longer than the guards of the city. The vile beasts followed the storm as it tore north, sweeping west with a rage never before seen to the lands. The light watched from above the clouds, and it wondered what there would be left to caress when the storm was gone.

    The final storm rose up over the city the east. It would be the last to fall. Heroes fought with tooth and nail, their blood spilled a thousand times over as the war cries of the legion echoed across the dusty road the town sat upon… but the will of the gods was not with them this day, and they fell like the rest… the light began to shed tears, wanting to hide, to run, never to have to witness something so terrible again.

    They poured from all directions, reaming the gnolls, giants, spiders and anything else in their path. The closed on the shrine and the doors where shut, the guards stood ready outside, fully aware their end was about to come. As they fell, the last line between the sleeping ones and those who sought to destroy was breached, and the storm tore through the last bastions of civilization in the land. No prayers were said, there were none left to say them. The bodies rotted, the beasts did not care. They had their foothold, and the storms never left the land again, scarring it forever, not that there was a soul alive to enjoy it.

    And the light wondered why it had to happen, as it caught a brief glimpse of the white haired man, and the blonde woman lay together. His hand had closed around hers as tightly as it could… but it had helped none… they rotted… like the rest.

    Lilin a woke with a start, and cold sweat rolled down the side of her face, she stood and walked over to another bed where a little boy lay, she checked to make sure he was alright, smiling slightly before looking out to see the sunshine was still there, and she wondered if the nightmare would ever be true.

  • G

    This is a nice quiet story and well written; introspective without being whiney; a nice intimate look into Narf. Thank you.


  • I almost cried today. That never happens to me… not since I was forced out of my first home. I'm not the one who is supposed to shed tears or be depressed... I'm supposed to be the one who is happy, quiet... always there to do what is right so other people can be happy... that makes me happy. Its just the kind of person I am. I guess thats why I love Rolan... I'm supposed to be there for everyone else, and he's the one that makes me feel protected... I don't think there are many people who can make me feel that way. I miss being in his arms and knowing everything is going to be okay.

    Nalio was running. I saw the smoke too, and ran after her... I knew she couldn't go alone. We sprinted through Norwick and threw the lock on the gates up and the creaked violently as they swung on thier hinges as fast as they could. We couldn't see the smoke for all the trees, but we knew where it was coming from, and I know Nalio didn't want to believe that it was coming from there.

    The narrow bridge that connected the rest of the rawlins to the Elven Camp had its gates smashed... they dangled meekly from the tarished hinges, the wood burned black by some unknown source. The every structure was burining on the inside, the elven structures burned like tinderboxes and the smell of burnt flesh filled the air. I had seen destruction before, but I still couldn't help but gag. We walked among the dead and the burning houses, solemly, looking for any possible source of life, hope that someone had made it through alive... so that justice could be dealt to those responsible for this murder. We found one.

    He spoke in elven, his voice weak and it trembled with every word as he clung to live on a slender thread. We tried to save him, but he was too far gone for us to put him back on the path to full health again. He left this world, leaving only a cryptic message about demons in the middle of the camp and someone who wasn't one of them.

    We spread out to find any other survivors. We found them in the trees. Those poor wide eyed elves, mostly women and children, some didn't look to be any older than my little Aelthas. It was a sad sight. The few gaurds that had been charged with thier care looked as though they had been through a horrible nightmare. Raryldor offered to take them to Jiyyd and they declined and the two gaurds led them solemly into the woods, and we stood watching until they were out of sight. As the last figure faded into the line of trees, the rain began to fall, as if the heavens where crying to put out the fires and show thier sadness, I watched as the rain turned what was left of the burning house nearby into smoldering ashes as rain soaked my hair and trickled down my face.

    Poor Sil... I have stuck with these crystals in the hope that everyone will have a better tommorow. Instead I suffer and watch helplessly as lives are torn to shreds and tossed to the winds, never to return. I only hope that what I have lost can be returned to me, and that which has broken will be mended. My heart aches for Sil and everyone these demons have killed. Do I feel vengeful? If this is that feeling, I pray it leaves me. That is not a good feeling for anyone to have... ever.

    Finding no others, we went about the task of burying the dead... it was the worse thing I've ever had to do in my life. Rera pulled back a peice of the earth and we laid the bodies solemly in the hole. I gathered the dead from the southeast part of the camp... thats where I found him. A little elven child curled up in the fetal position lay near a burnt pile of womens clothes. The rain felt as though it were hammers hitting the back of my head as I stood over the child. His long raven black hair ruffled slightly as a breeze came softly through the camp, and I fell to one knee to pick up his tiny body. Maybe I was crying... I couldn't taste the salt of my own tears upon my lips, the rain was falling to steadily for me to tell. All I could think about as I touched his cold face is what I would do if I had to bury my little baby boy.

    I still go out and pray for him and bless the earth that now covers his and thier unmarked grave. It seems almost fitting... I didn't know thier names... I didn't have to. A child is a child, no matter the race he belongs to. I leave two roses each trip... a red one and a yellow one... they blow away before I return but they still symbolize my dedication to what I think is right... making people happy. If I didn't believe that everything was going to come out right in the end, I don't think I'd be able to look myself in the eye... not that I think I could now.

    Bast bless me. I don't want to live knowing I have failed to save the things most dear to me, that I have made them unhappy... I saw Tala cry for the first time yesterday... she isn't angry like I thought she was. I was never angry... how could I have been? She is someone I look up to... the first person in my life I've thought about calling a mother figure to me. I am lost.