The New Journal of Drelan Ashire
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Twenty Fifth Entry
–-------------------------------------------------_Today started interestingly to say the least. I went south to Jiyyd as strangely enough there was no excitement in the city, even the gangs and various cut throat political factions have been quiet lately. Only thing of note is that the coward Roland has returned. Such a dark secret he has, and yet, no one will ever know and he will always be revered sitting atop his high order because he is "pious" and has served well. What is even worse is his lack of remorse. He takes a slanted game as a reason to give in, to not do as one should. Of course he has shown himself to neither be pious at least not to Torm, or a good servant of the city, but I've given up on most hope of ever saving Peltarch from its own diseases. I tried once and was forced to watch the city burn from threat of the stocks while those that could have prevented or mollified it did not because the information it would take to do such wasn't from their chosen. Of course I am guilty as well, if I had taken the more violent approach, I would be hated by history yes, but my duty would have been served and lives saved. I should have listened to Corana. "Let your destruction reign free". Corana used to tell me that one day the Queen would take the city, wash it with her waves. I'm not so sure that wouldn't be a bad thing.
That damned bard was petrified today. I discovered that when Bow asked me on the road to help Mirkali for Lilly's sake. Why either now suddenly are worthy of my help again I do not know. I laughed in the ranger's face, and went to see the spectacle for myself. When I saw him, the anger took me.. the need for vengence.. the need for some fairness. The bastard that has done so many crimes, had been so self serving, was now going to be saved by many. One would think I would be used to such things, I have observed it many a times. But at least for my own crimes I felt I would take punishment, for I cannot cause punishment for anothers merely try to inform and scratch my head as they pass it off. I purchased a warhammer, although felt some guilt at striking him down defenseless, even the bard deserves some look of despair before he's banished to the death that he will crawl back from, as he always inevitably does for revenge. So I gave them two days to free him from his stone form. Of course come to think of it I did it mainly to spite Bow I think. I told Nyda my thoughts later. She says I am good because even with my frustrations that I wish to vent I didn't. The problem was I didn't know if at the end of two days if I would have tried it. To destroy that image of that damned bard at least for a few days, fight all that would gather around him to protect him foolishly to do so, would have been quite pleasing. Everyone has chastised Rando of late especially Nyda, but I hate to say it but he seems correct. Most of the ones loved are nothing more than selfserving powermongering fame grabbing dishonorable.. stops. And there seems no way to reach them through reason, leaving me to wonder if force is the only way, to have a steadfast law that is always followed no matter the repercussions. Of course I disagree with his seeming belief that all is guilty and no information can be disproven, but at least his general direction seems right. I've grown stronger than I have ever been before, I wonder if perhaps I could get Rando to train me. I'm beginning to think as supposedly cursed as he was, Relekev was quite a wise man.
Of course in this convoluted thoughts it leaves me with two thoughts. First if maybe Candy was wrong, and I really am just like her. Second, if one or two good actions from a man suddenly make up for many actions done in dishonor. I know lermonian's answer, but I am not quite sure myself as the world seems to think otherwise._
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the writing on this page is rather short considering his other entries and the writing often almost jumps of the page from a mere cursive style writing seeming written by a very shaky hand
Twenty Fourth Entry
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M u ss' t rember wll. It .."the end of the quill seems to have broken and dots of ink are spread accross the small area of the page where the short writing ended_
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Twenty Third Entry
–-----------------------------------------_"Shards of Shattered Glass
I had a vision the other day as the ale set in. I hope that Candy doesn't find out, has been many years since I was birthed in flame and its not a process I want to revist if her threat wasn't idle. Maybe it was that thought that brought it to mind. I attended the sentencing of a man in Peltarch not to long ago. Despite the demons that appeared in his wake, it made me think, how am I to give my testimony, of all the crimes I have committed? Of all wrongs, and if any rights, to be judged accordingly. Is something I will have to think of. In any case, back to my train of thought.
I've been getting broken images, moments, in dreams, in drunken stupor, sometimes as I just sit focusing on some object absently, sometimes even when I do not wish them. Makes me yearn for Jenna's guidance, for her to explain to me why I'm having them, and to what end, but I've not seen her in some time. We were always told it would happen if the flame was deciding if you were fit or if you were some traitor. Whether it was just a lie to give us strength and hide the truth of not knowing, or truth in itself I don't know.
In my last dream I was back in Lermonian's chambers. I remember them well, the perfectly cut stone in the walls, the torches in the corner that made it seem the darkness in the middle was caged by some unseen barrier, the gentle breeze that was always present in the room no matter what, and its lack of dankness. I never was able to discern why it was not dank like the other rooms, but always seemed to give it a supernatural feel.
It was the day of my entrance, at least I think, my memories have always been scattered since I've arrived at these lands. However, perhaps falsely, I take those that do not contradict each other as fact. We all wore find red and white robes, as we circled in from the sides slowly in a line to the central flame. Upon reaching the center he would give us our first touch of the flame, the first step into following something we hoped would lead us to something more. But what was the most vivid in this dream was the voices. As we would circle wooden paddles would be brought down upon minature stone columns that lined the path on either side. The whole time, Lermonian's voice resonating about the room.
"This is your first step into the divine, an ingrediant in life, and the key destroyer. You will walk the flames, but you will not pull away, for it will be you you will be of it, you will keep no secrets from each other for it would be as if you deluded yourself. With this mark of flame you begin your first lesson, your way to the birthing of what should be. Do not think it will come easily. No my appentices, this instead is the epitomy of a fair bargain. Learn your lessons well, gain the strength that is needed, and the divine service will be yours. Prove yourself unworthy, and the true birth you will never know only consumption."
Is humurous as I write this how similar to the crystals it seems. Perhaps it is why they interest me so, perhaps why I despise them so. Twould make sense for a fallen. Sister said she wants me to return as her brother, why I've not yet discerned. I am not worthy. She showed me this, the world screams it, and she did as any in their right mind would, disowned. Now she calls me back, and even though somewhere in my softness I do fear recurring pain, I fear more that her confusion is guiding her astray again. As much as I despise, indeed hate, she was family, and I will not knowingly taint that.
My search for Sil's army is not faring well. They seem to have disappeared as easily and quickly as they appeared. How to strike or tempt out that which you cannot see? Infact the only sighting of demons or devils of late has been the judge chambers, but there are so many demons and their ilk it seems that it is doubtful that those that appeared are in anyway tied with the other two that seek to destroy our homes.
May the lady provide me insight in my time of need, and the queen the wrath to destroy what I must. I do not know if my ideals are different from hers, or for how long, but perhaps the promise of worthy show will be enough to earn her favor. My options are running thin._
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Twenty Second Entry
–----------------------------------------------_" Hidden Secrets
Today I was told of that which was hidden from me. I now know why she was so much like me. Yet, I was wrong. She is not of the order, merely just another similiar end from similiar actions. Still her tale brought back much memories, though it didn't affect me like the others, especially the hin that could find nothing but tears. At times I wish I could give the strength I am so often criticized for. I was never the most brutish, nor even the most intelligent of the order, but I had a different kind of ability. After hearing her story I wonder if I lacked such a thing, I too would be like her be of two. Hells, perhaps I already am just in a different way. Bloody Corana and her ~conflicted~ statements.
Sis the word is then crossed out Lilly's mood drops around me though I still congratulated her on her wedding. What does she expect? That past actions, decisions made, can just disapear to suit one's mood at a given time? I can be a tool at one time? A brother at whim? Disowned at others? I would think reading enough bardic stories would have her with greater enlightenment than that. Course if I had so many people willing to just damn themselves to make me happy perhaps I'd think the same. Action matters. It brings with it both short term and long term affects, and must be measured accordinly no matter the arena or what's involved. Amy hates me because this is what I do. She says I'm too bound to the mind. But what is worse to travel through life blindly fullfilling ever desire, every lsut, every want on a whim to creat a shoddilly built structure made in haste to fall on me? Perhaps I'm becomming that as well. Poor lass. I need to watch myself, cursed berries.
My strength has returned and I only wait for my implements to be made for the task at hand, my tools to use. Strangely enough Arien seems willing to help me in this task. If her words were sincere would seem the Lady's relative neutrality may allow me swift victory.
Another unlikely ally seems to be opening me the door to strike out at the demons. I'm only beginning to recognize more and more that this war will not be won by normal way of legends past._
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Twenty First Entry
–-------------------------------------------_The wisdom of Purple
Yes, that does sound strangely well. Perhaps that is what I will from now on, name my entries.
I ran into Fadia in the place of darkness today. Quite odd, she is one of trees and flowers and she goes to a place they will not grow, and a home to many faiths she is not on good terms with. Yet she roams openly without care. She brought her humor as she always did. Oreth is lucky, that elf always seems to be able to lighten up the world just a bit. She took me down to the dwarf farmers where I normally buy the milk for breakfast. She hopped up on the fence and pointed to the black hairy short stubby, yak like beast. Her wisdom? After speaking of its physical attributes, its habits, and something about canes I still find highly doubtful, was merely, "become like the Roethe". At fist I thought it utter nonsense, one more of her jests or games. But the more I mulled over it, the more I envied the beast. I wanted what her words spoke of, "it is one with its environment." It is useful, it is respected at least some what if for no other reason than it is greatly needed, and in turn for its services even though all it really does is stand there.. eat the strange dark ferns and relax its backside at opportune times, it is fed, cared for, given a home, and the occaisional pet on the head. Aye the beast is not really a fool at all. Is it not what many strive for? To be useful and thus repaid in kind?
Fadia's invited me to a new group. Said she felt like me once. I saw no harm in it, at least for a visit, my mother was a druid after all even if I inherited none of her abilities to grow a good crop or have any animal besidesa wolf nay try to maul my arm. Course Corana, would think otherwise, but she is nay around to offer me guidance. Fadia told me in a very round about way not to have the appreciation I do for the priest, but she treated me like a Roethe. It is doubtful if you really love the beast, but you recognize its use and treat it as useful, take care of it because of that. I wonder if not trimming my hair for sometime would help me find the secret path to be like the Roethe.
Ah well I ramble again, and despite Nyda's urgings I must really find a new topic. These searchings are addling the brain. Perhaps next time I'll have a grand battle to write of._
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Twentieth Entry
–--------------------------------_This day the Sails waged war upon the gnolls. A small platoon composed in large portion by our crew embarked on a quest to retrieve some crystal that an elf said had come into possession of a demon, called the Crystal of Life or whatnot. We at first attacked the main gate slaying many but eventually their numbers became to great, and we snuck in through the pass to attack the south side only running into yet another trap. Again we killed many, but were unable to move forward though we did succeed not to lose a single member to death, though many had near fatal injuries. Between the gnolls and the beetles that spring forth from them on death its like having to armies in one. Still given our numbers we caused them heavy casualities, but until we can gain and hold ground we will always be at their mercy. The oddity was again the lack of demons. I have ventured around or near the camp several times and no demons have appeared. Quite a change, and if not a trap, to me signals a time to attack and to claim what we need. In any case, much expense and effort was expended for no end result other than dead gnolls. Not even a piece of elven armor was granted to us as we found none. In the end we split up, the captain and some select others trying a path of stealth to find the demon while I lead a group from the depths of the wood to Peltarch. However, it seems that I have not been harsh enough on them. The women refused to follow orders calling me insane and out to only get myself killed. While I suppose I should be grateful for the affection, even though I still thinkit merely a spector given pattern, this kind of undiscipline cannot be tolerated. If the odds were much worse many could die unnecessarilly. Nyda is not in my command, but I will have to think of worthy punishment for Alia, as much as I'd hate to give it near her wedding. Fedar on the other hand besides proving himself quite the flatterer afterwards has followed orders above and beyond what is expected. I will have to write a reccomendation for him.
For any that read this journal after it leaves my hands, make note that often the heroes with great deeds done, are not sung by any self absorbed bard or remembered in any annuals. It is the elements that remain unseen that almost always decide our fate.
Soon my real weapons will be in place, and with a bit of intelligence, we may yet free ourselves from two of the menaces plaguing these lands. My housing fund has diminshed during this war, but until these threats are eliminated a house would be in little safety. Not that I know a location, so many places have such bad memories. Perhaps I will have to contact this Atol to see if he would mind a new neighbor._
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Nineteenth Entry
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Then entry is written very quickly, obviously with great emotion as its not always perfectly coherent and the writing is done in long quick strokes._Damn bards, suddenly very protective of their libraries these days, even if more of the doors inside their college are now open to the public. I've viewed a library at least three times and now I cannot view it without head master approval? Gah, may my time be short here before I strangle them all.
Seems Amy was wrong as well. There was no doing of an enchantment as she said. Strange I almost thought her better, but seems even though she no longer follows that path she is sick with the bardic illness of saying one thing then doing the exact opposite. I suppose at least she looked happy enough, but I thought she thought more highly of me than to speak falsities.
Then there was the dwarf. I try to inform a crowd about the potential crystal threat, and he calls me an ass and retreats behind a wall? I go to get him to retract his statement then suddenly he has people falling all over to defend him though they did not start the fight and it was the dwarf that openly started it, and the dwarf was the most disrespectful foot stool I've ever met. Even the Slaughtered Druegar seemed to agree. Why is it the idiots, the selfish, the cheats, the disrespectful ALL HAVE armies of strangers willing to fall over dead for them, while good men and women are left to die in cold corners? I saw some at the temple of tyr today and besides those of their faith that roamed the halls, ignored. WHY? I keep praying to any god that'll hear me and yet there is no answer. Not one! Is every edict they send their blasted clerics about to convert us over to nothing but complete farce? Perhaps Corana was right, destruction unheld by any restrictions is needed at times. Restrictions was all that saved that dwarf, I did not want to harm the other fools, but if I did perhaps the land would slowly begin to see its utter insanity.
I never thought I'd be so glad to return to the darkness, if not for seeing Meeghan again I think I would just dig myself a hole and stay there. Why couldn't I be a hin? They seem to be the only sane people in these lands.
Loving families, protecting their own, their homes, seldom a rude word, overall quite a hospitable group, they practically worship peaceful activities of cooking and farming and have the closest thing to true friendship when offered than anything I've ever seen. Almost makes me want to saw of my legs and try to convince them I'm nay a tallie._
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Eighteenth Entry
–------------------------------------------------_I saw Fad today. She seemed to miss me, and despite my new bearing and my judgement I saw her and talked. She said that whoever disowned me was fools, we talked of the lands, its craziness, the wedding I never knew of, and she said she missed me. Well a me I do not remember, something about being open and warm. Never my described attributes, even by those that once said they loved me. Odd.
Today I plan a trip to Peltarch for personal reasons, the baths. The ones in the Valley are more secluded, but I fear I may start a war with that blasted Mallis if I see him again as he tries to prevent my entry, and my muscles are too tired to move. Hopefully the baths will help. Will be odd to see more than the docks on my business, many old memories lurk about the cobble there.
The nightmares have returned, though the sickness not with them, thank the gods. Its the one thing I never told Nyda of my symptoms. Is nothing she could do about them anyways.
I should visit the bardic library while I'm there. I do not look forward to the probable meetings, but perhaps on its shelves I can find what I seek. A path to victory.
May I not repeat the steps of dishonorable Relekev._
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_It seems weeks since I've been able to write. I don't think there's a place on my body that hasn't been stabbed, burnt, cracked, or otherwise. At least the gods show some pity through their minions. I found Cike, though he is worse than when he left. He, seems so familiar to something I experienced in the past but its probably rubbish. Merely tricks of the mind trying to find something like itself. I spoke to Candy of it, she of coursed told me that the wiggler I had found was in dire need of training. Gods I need to shove my nose down into a tomb and nay remove it until I have some sense. If I have to beg to Mirk one more time. The bard still makes my blood boil. I hope sister is alright and all maintaining their oaths.
Seems if rumor is true Alia will be married soon. Strange, alway speaking of needing time and to go slow, and here she is running off after someone she's nay known well but for a few weeks really. I suppose that is what the bards sing about so often. Perhaps, all they sing about are not lies.
I spoke to Nate today, will probably bring me death, but I had to correct him. I WILL not allow the crystals to spread any more lies. He said the crystals are prejudged, when in reality it is their own actions that bring them their judgement. They lied, they used force, and yet they act like they are not foes. At least Nate admitted, but only after telling him that I had seen many acts with my own eyes. All he could ramble on about was the grand scheme of things. It makes me wonder if he has seen what I have seen? However, if his dislike of Jarek's ways were true, it makes me wonder if the crystals are as cohesive as I thought. Was one of the first classes at the academy, always the problem with telling the enemy what you know. You never know if they speak truth or merely what you want to hear to bend you to their ways. Most battles are lost far before the sword is drawn. Still the risk is to great, there has to be another way. I only fear that all that now think they are on the right side, have been duped and will only realize the error of their ways when it is too late.
Amy's glare reminded me of my failures, I want to do nothing but lurk in this dark chamber with but a few visitors and rest, but this is my home. My blood will protect it, even if all that reside in are nothing but confused, delusioned, or manipulative beings, the land deserves it.
Ah, my nurse returns. I do not know if I'll ever grow used to this magic so freely about, seems useful enough, and I do envy the way she makes that water glass float around, but surely there must be some actions still fit for the physical muscle and bone._
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The door opened light guiding its way to the shelf where the journal sat. A man in freshly shined golden armor, his face hidden by a helm opened the journal and using the shelf as a table opened it. He removed a single gauntlet, and with a piece of charcoal drew a grid on the paper. On the North side he labeled, Norwick. Somewhere near the top right, Jiyyd, causing the name to fill up a square. He then began to dot the map with small words and circles. "Arrow, blood, Kell, Kell, blood, arrow, visions, fire, rumor" Each word filling up a box on the grid until he had a patch work of words around the edges, and in the middle, vastness. Much work would have to be done, but there was little time. The demons were beginning to eb in, and if the task was to be completed it had to be done in the days that remained before either side fully clashed with the others. A dart was then withdrw, and held over the page, the armored man not looking at it as he dropped it. After it landed piercing a small hole in the page and some after it, he looked down.
"And thus the path is lain." The man then closed the book and tucked it under his armored arm, leaving closing the door behind him.
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With every step Drelan went deeper into the darkness. The sword held accross both his hands, his journal resting a top it. Perhaps this was the abyss he was told to find? A potential pit, that seemed to never end. All had expected him to be the same. After all, he was always the predictable one, always there, always the same, but no longer he had changed. Even she realized that, saying the fact with what almost seemed to be fear. It didn't matter, his path was clear for now, without conflict or hesitancy. He kept walking until he came upon a small nook, behind a piece of stone that was hinged as a door that he had to move. Inside was a shelf. He slipped the sword upon it and the journal then closed the stone door behind him.
The only odd thing was as much as the he had seemed to conflict with the world, he strangely missed it.
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Sixteenth Entry
–----------------------------And again it happens, my rest another tool of my torture. Every friend, every enemy, every city, every lass, always the same end. Its as if I'm frozen in some painting of a battle, forced to fight the same battle for all eternity. I went to the temple of Helm, asked what the guardian wanted of me to be satisified, I recieved no answer. The Lady no longer guides me to safety, just into repeating horror. I have no home and not the strength to find a new land to only see the same end. I wrote sister a letter explaining how I could not do my duty and be there on the day of her binding, another sign of my weakness, but I can no longer force myself to watch anymore. I will miss her even she cared not for me, a mere problem in her path. I can only hope to escape the ever watchful eye, perhaps then I can gain my rest.
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Fifteenth Entry
–-----------------------------------------------_Power Pixie C? Ultimate power and savior of Jiyyd? Surely all have gone completely and utterly daft. Not only that but in the pitiful raid we made on the camp where we were driven back by literally thousands of gnolls, I beheld that crazy childlike elf turn into a similiar looking creature. If they are the same people place their hopes in someone that we at least ~hope~ accidentally about killed two spectators in the ferret one night? The realms are often strange, but I doubt this "creature" is some overly powerful being, though I have to admit the little woman did flitter and fight better than I would think.
then there are two or three pages of what seems to be quotes or cannons without any particular order below is only a sampling of what lies on the pages
Protect all until the fire dims.
You cannot save the world, protect your mates.
Keep and look to faith in troubled times.
A martyr would rally the cause
There are still a few that are not all.
The strength is there. the last one of the particular list being underlined several times in a charcoal_
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Fourteenth Entry
–-----------------------------_Whatever makes me happy? Thats what Ocean said today. When I cannot have a single thing I want, then it is offered. Gah that lass is daft at times. I did what I should. I gave Sister her dowry, after I questioned them all. If they keep their vows they will do well. I even ensured, hopefully, that ocean will treat Mirk as well as her true love. I thought the greatest pain would come from seeing one I loved so dearly again be yanked away, my duty and sense of honor forcing me to help it happen, instead it came from watching them all smile, especially sister when in the past all her apologies and things she said she wished she hadn't done, she realized that indeed she was glad she did them, admitted to it a loud. As evil as it is, I think I liked it when she at least felt some remorse. Perhaps my darker side wanted her to realize what she was doing when she came to the realization of what her actions meant. She may have said no, but she was instead always saying yes in action. But intense happiness as if there was no cost? Ocean did the same thing. I really do mean nothing in these lands, if even my supposed new family would kick me to the winds so. May Sune rot in whatever divine grave the gods will possibly have. I so despise being right, and cannot wait for the day when I'm horribly wrong. Ah well they should be happy, Mirk has his love, Ocean has who she wants, and Sister has them both. Perhaps it is envy that pains me so, or just the fact that I would be so easily sacrificed and ignored for ~true love~. Still all I can remember is all the nights when I was told I was the whole or at least half of someone's world. That and the happiness they felt at my actions even as I continually saw they would not do the same at every question I asked. Indeed may Sune rot. Duty or justice. Justice would feel so nice right now, and yet I cannot bring myself to do it. Damn Lermonian to the nine hells as well.
Almost was jailed for public drunkeness. Alia tended to me, helped cheer me up as short as it lasted. Probably one of the only three that have never used me for their own benefit. I just wish she could give me the will to fight again, but she can't seem to.
Nyda still tends to me as well. She says that talking about things will free me from the illness that plagues me. Yet if I do, I betray the ones I love, even if they do not hesitate to do the same. But still I talk to her about as much as I can, I nay know what it is, but I think she could get an orc to speak to her in their own tongue. I just don't see how her excercises could bring peace, all it reveals to me is more and more undue pain and foolishness.
I beg the lady shows me the path in my dreams, lest I fear I lose it forever._
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I like it, keep it up Etherian.
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Oh agreed, very well written
Of course if Ocean ever read it she'd probably kill herself, but that's Ocean for you 
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Agreed, brilliant!
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just want to poke my head it to say that I love reading this thread. Excellent, excellent work.
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Thirteenth Entry
–-----------------------------------_My, will to fight I think has finally left me. Garcen, your curse has won, albeit in a way you could never imagine. I spoke with Nyda today. She was nice and kind, and though sheltered not so different from who I was. Her master of arms sounded much like Garand. She said the most cliche wisdom. You can only find happiness in yourself. While it is wise, tis horribly short sighted. I, this is was my Dajemma as sister would say. What I found was nothing more than a man fighting desperately to hold on to a dream, to show that the legend and ideals of his house were not mere lore though the world did everything it could to make it so. Is this man worthy of praise? Yes, many that have known him does indeed pay him apologies and sections of worth by voice of lips and writings. Is the man actually worthy? No. I can say I am against banites, want to slay anyone I see. But unless I actually do it there is no difference than if I was for banites, or neutral to them. Action is the actual cost. Word implies action which gives word its worth, because of the hope or fear it will bring action. This is what's occured. I am not worth action. The city of Peltarch almost jailed me numerous times though I served it. Norwick as well. Jiyyd paid no heed to my wisdom. The Silver Valley exiled me though I gave blood for it. The Gali still don't remember my name, and were quick to let me rot. Sister, unknowingly through her actions do what people in my lands do to disown someone. Yet she says she respects me. Ocean said I was her world, yet left me to die in corners, ignored me do to some squabble with her father, cared not for anything I tried to do for her, and instead decided to wed someone that didn't do as much, though she supposedly doesn't love him and still does me. Mirk, betrayed me to help his own position though I called him friend, blamed me for all, could see nothing I did. I failed to save Amy. All say they ~respect~ me, but it is merely courtesy or perhaps their delusion. Nyda said if I am really what I thought I should be proud , happy in the fact that I am a virtuous, good man. As long as I seek something else not from me, I will not be happy. Instead all I see is a fool, whos attempts have earned him nothing but stress, blood shed, illness, injury, with no property, exile, cursed, and not a true ally in sight. If what he fought for does exist, he has none of it. This knowledge somehow is supposed to bring happiness. Hells it would have in the past for me. Fight for the sake of the fight, the challenge. The greater the fight the greater the challenge, the greater the learning, the greater the prize. But there is no prize. Victory brings the same as defeat, the same as neutrality. The acceptance of the realization takes away from my worth even more. Shows weakness, greed, lack of adherence for one's word.
Perhaps it is merely my own selfish arrogance and pride I've regained of late, but I am tired. May I gather the will to accomplish one last task in my retreat. Brother, I miss you._
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Twelth Entry
–---------------------------------------_It has been many days since my writing, but with Captain away I've nay had much time. I cannot wait until his return perhaps he can gain audience with this supposedly willing diplomat. Ah well, at least there was a fight in the ferret today. I was crushed of course, by a blind gnome no less but at least he won the competition. Candy was there too. I've nay seen her in so long, I was glad to see she was alright again. Almost was able to beat Mallis to the floor as well. The announcer called a final all out battle and free for all in the end. Pity the hins were working together, else I could have gotten him. Healea later did though. Lucky fool. Meant to duel him afterwards for honors sake but was called on by Rolan instead for a fight. Nay know why he wants to fight me. I've told him I've nay recovered yet, and my hip still slides around. Ah well, I'll nay run from a fight, if he wants some blood on him so be it, though I'm glad at least this night I was saved, for the alternative was so much, nicer. I'll need to buy something from Dwin in thanks.
Why does Tymora do this to me? Seems she can nay make up her mind if she wants me in these lands. First spurned, then lied, then betrayed by all, then ignored, then given a glimmer of hope just so that all can be repeated again and show me I'm a delusional fool, then destroyed several I touched, and while I was jumping to leave thes lands at the offer to go to the wastelands, the events of late make me hesitate? Am I a fool only playing to delusions of that what doesn't exist again? I spoke to sister, she probably thought me babyish, hells I thought myself babyish. But its not that. As much as it sounds, I swear I've spent hours trying to place myself. What am I? What should I be? What am I to the world? I'm nay liking what I've finding, and yet all actions seem to draw me to the same path. Well I best get breakfast ready, Lady of The Lanceboard please give my brother the insight to survive if he still breathes._
