Drunken Rants of Jonty Glyndwyr


  • Legion

    ((A drunken dwarf sits at the bar, increasing his drunken state by ingesting more intoxicating beverage. His hair is kept shaved at the sides of his head, with the strip of red hair running down the middle of his head standing upright in a fashion that seems to defy gravity))

    " ... So m'Par says "JONTEH! YOOU got to be a MINER like y'PAR!"

    And I say "Nay PAR! I want to be a DARNCER!"

    And he be loik "WHAT!? Ye want to PRANCE AROOND like an ELF LASS! NAY! NO son of MINE shall be a DARNCER!"

    ... so after he gets exhausted from hit'n meh over and over I say to m'self "Maybe be'n a darncer isn't f'meh?"

    I loove m'Par. Always set me straight he did. I miss 'im. Still sad about et. Him and me Mar ... both dead now.

    So they picked up a flyer say'n "COME TO MARIGOLD!" and they both say "Ohhh ... that soulds looveleh!" and they pack their things to go retire at MARIGOLD! ....

    ((finishes off a pint of spirits))

    So ... they head off to MAR-I-GOLD! ... I hear they got eaten by a hydra ...

    ... still sad about et.

    I c'n remember m'Par's last words to meh before he and m'Mar left....

    "Oi JONTEH y' sorreh FARKER!" he said "Go get y'self some COIN! Leave that useless dock hand job and get y'self a propper liv'n! Then maybe one day you can retire somewhere NOICE like MARIGOLD like y'Mar and Meh and not be such a useless shite!"

    That was m'par ... always trying t' set meh straight.

    .... And then they were off ... I never saw them again ... Still sad about et...

    ((Holds back his head and releases what begins as a loud belch but then works up into a crecendo eruption of vomit. He tries to direct the geiser of puke back into his pint stein but mostly fails.))

    ... oh dear ... I'll need to replace that. Time for another pint!


  • Legion

    ((Jonty sits at the bar almost totally naked except for a black pair of Lacey elven woman's underwear. He has just stopped shivering after coming indoors from Blackbridge's frigid snow storm. His naked body is decorated with tatoos - mostly of ladies faces. One is of his mother, but the rest are of his favourite whores.))

    Bit warmer in here AYE!?

    Will pack something a bit warmer t'wear next time aye?

    Was com'n up here from Peltarch see, and the caravan master says he wants to charge me based on how many pounds I wanted to haul! I was really keen to come up ere cause folks were say'n t'meh "JONTEH! y'must go up to BLACKBRIDGE! You can buy some nice things up thar!" ... but I don't want to spend all m'coins just paying the caravan master for th'trip!

    So ... I put ALL m'gear into my chest in Peltarch. Apart from meh nickers ... Oh and meh coin purse. Now the coin purse was actually pretty heavy form all the wee monsters I had been slaughtering about the place - was pay'n well! But I didn't want that bastard caravan master weighing m'gold and charging me for et, so I rolled the purse up and shoved it up my arse. BAH! Weigh THAT!

    So I'm talking to the loovely bald man over there in the red dress and he es selling magical gear! And I say to 'im "Ohh aye - those gauntlets look noice!" and he tell meh they stop you from getting cut - and I say "I HATE gett'n CUT!" and I take my coins out of me arse and give them ALL to him! ... So now I have a loovely gauntlet that stops meh from gett'n CUT!

    But as it turns out - (takes a sip from his pint) - now the caravan master wants to charge me coins for the weight of meh GAUNTLET! The gauntlet was a bit too sharp and pointeh to shove up my arse, and I just gave meh last coin to the loovely bald man in the red dress for said gauntlet. So I had no weh t'get back to Peltarch and I'm go'n te freeze te DEATH if I stay up 'ere. So I try to git me a quick job to pay for a trip back down the mountain. Soomeone says to meh "Oh Jonteh, why don't you go ask for a job at the mines!"

    (skulls the rest of his pint)

    Well I always told m'Par that I'd NEVER be a miner ... but I don't want te freeze te death, so I swallow meh pride and go to the mines. As soon as I go in there the smell of it hit meh - the smell of stone, coal smoke, man stench ... it smelled just like m'Par. Was an emotional moment for meh actually. [[explo xp lvled Jonty up!}}

    Turns out there's not much mining going on 'cause folks are stay'n away from the cave spidehs. And the fella at the mine tells meh that if I want a job that he'll pay for SPIDEH LEGS! So I'm like "AYE LAD! I'll go git ye those legs!"

    So in I go - dressed in naught but meh panties and my nice new gauntlet I just bought from the loovleh man in the red dress. I was thinking "they're probably just wee poisonous spidehs ... how will I find em?" - but there was no problem find'n them 'cause they have arses as big as mellons! And you don't need to go find them 'cause they come and find yoou!

    So I'm ripping tha legs off these spidehs with me bare hands thinking "THIS is EASEH COIN!" ... until I come to one mine that has long thin stalagmites going roight up to theh ceiling ... but they weren't no stalagmites! They were HUGE SPIDEH LEGS! It came right at meh! HUGE! After I fully shate m'self I managed to kill the thing and pull it's legs off.... figured the fella at the front of the mine may give meh a little extra seeing that these legs were ... extra large and all.... I come back to 'im and hand over the legs and he is loik "Thanks - no coin for you today. Thanks!"

    Now normally if I had agreed to work for someone and they then don't give meh me coin I'd just punch their face until all thar teeth fell oout - weave their teeth into a trinket, and then go sell said trinket ... but I had a bit of an epiphany you see ...

    (skulls second pint.)

    Y'see ... there are two kinds of fellas in the world. ... well more than two ... you could put them on a scale... So on one end of the scale are those who can't take care of themselves. They need others to take care of 'em. Let's put them on the "useless" end of the scale. Then there are those who can take care of themselves. Let's put them on the "not useless" middle part of the scale. Now, up on the end of the scale are those who make it their personal responsibility to take care of others. Nay for coin - cause that'd just put you in theh middle of theh scale. Folks up on the other end of the scale take care of others because they have taken that upon themselves. "FARK'N HEROES" if you will! This poor lad in the mine was closer to the "useless" end of theh scale y'see. He needed someone closer to the other end of the scale to take care of shite for him. And today that was MEH!

    So I say to 'im "You know what fella? Yoou keep ye precious coins. I found some coin on one of your dead miners ... so I'm good. And taking care of this terrible spideh problem of yours was a personal pleasure! You ever need help again ... you let JONTEH GLYNDWYR know .. and I'll be 'ere t'help!"

    [[loosely based on in game events]]