Drunken Rants of Jonty Glyndwyr

  • Legion

    ((A drunken dwarf sits at the bar, increasing his drunken state by ingesting more intoxicating beverage. His hair is kept shaved at the sides of his head, with the strip of red hair running down the middle of his head standing upright in a fashion that seems to defy gravity))

    " ... So m'Par says "JONTEH! YOOU got to be a MINER like y'PAR!"

    And I say "Nay PAR! I want to be a DARNCER!"

    And he be loik "WHAT!? Ye want to PRANCE AROOND like an ELF LASS! NAY! NO son of MINE shall be a DARNCER!"

    ... so after he gets exhausted from hit'n meh over and over I say to m'self "Maybe be'n a darncer isn't f'meh?"

    I loove m'Par. Always set me straight he did. I miss 'im. Still sad about et. Him and me Mar ... both dead now.

    So they picked up a flyer say'n "COME TO MARIGOLD!" and they both say "Ohhh ... that soulds looveleh!" and they pack their things to go retire at MARIGOLD! ....

    ((finishes off a pint of spirits))

    So ... they head off to MAR-I-GOLD! ... I hear they got eaten by a hydra ...

    ... still sad about et.

    I c'n remember m'Par's last words to meh before he and m'Mar left....

    "Oi JONTEH y' sorreh FARKER!" he said "Go get y'self some COIN! Leave that useless dock hand job and get y'self a propper liv'n! Then maybe one day you can retire somewhere NOICE like MARIGOLD like y'Mar and Meh and not be such a useless shite!"

    That was m'par ... always trying t' set meh straight.

    .... And then they were off ... I never saw them again ... Still sad about et...

    ((Holds back his head and releases what begins as a loud belch but then works up into a crecendo eruption of vomit. He tries to direct the geiser of puke back into his pint stein but mostly fails.))

    ... oh dear ... I'll need to replace that. Time for another pint!

  • Legion

    Jonty staggered into the tavern and sat down at his usual stool. He normally smelt bad, but this time he stank like something that had been dead for about a month.

    "I've been dead for about a month!"

    Katarina the barkeep poured out a pint and passed it to Jonty. She leaned backward a little as she handed it to him, attempting to maximise the distance between his stench and her nose.

    "Truth be told - and I ALWAYS tell tha TRUTH! - I've nay been dead for that long! I've been dead before. But I nay remember to be honest. It's a bit loik a foggeh dream. But nay this toim! Nay .... I was dead for so long ... It was a very spirit-chul experience!"

    Jonty chugged down his ale and slammed it down on the bar for Katarina to fill it again.

    "Being dead was very ... grey. Everything was grey. But then there was a blind'n loight as a busty valkareh came rid'n up te meh! She was comleh let me tell ye! Golden hair, Shineh halo, and a body that'd make a saint weep!"

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    ""Oi Jonteh!" She said, "I've been sent te collect ye! Y' nay be very pious, but ye did ye duty! Ye fought valiantly against the giants, which ye Lord Morodin hates, and against the disgust'n Duergar, which he also hates, and other filtheh creatures that he hates. Ye carried out ye duty and put the body on the line between the monsters of the wild and ye community. Morodin and Tempus loves such, and you shall be granted entrance into Dwarfhome. Ye shall inherit a celestial abode and be serviced by seventy two virgin lasses, each with blazing red hair and an insatiable appetite for man flesh!""

    Now ... to be honest, I was tempted. But deep in meh heart something didn't sit well with meh. She talked about "DUTY" and it's true - that's something meh Pah beat into me real well! Ye got to do ye DUTY! If not, ye just a leech sucking off the blood of those around ye.

    Jonty downed his second pint before continuing

    Some people go out and foight for "love" and such. Some out of "Piety". I nay have toime for that nonsense. That's for paladins and other useless people. To be honest I nay love the people I protect. People that need protecting have my pity and contempt! No - I go out and foight because it's the DUTY of the strong to protect the weak. It nay be roight to be strong and able to fight and NOT protect folks!

    So I pondered the offer of the Valkereh ... told her "Nay - If I am able to go back, it's my duty to!"

    Jonty nods to Katarina for another pint, which she dutifully pulls and serves up.

    'The Valkareh smiles at me like I just passed some kind of test and flies off. Smug skank. I hate tests! So I wander about the fugue, conversing with the dead, and waited for meh bodeh to be to be hauled back to the temple. That's the usual show - some adventurer finds ye bloated corpse somewhere and they drag it back to the temple to be raised from the dead.

    Well ... I waited and waited. Wandering to and fro in the land of the dead. .The temptation to saddle up with a Valkareh and fly off to meet my seventy two fire haired sheelas was a dire temptation for me truth be told! But I knew that as soon as I gave in to it I'd nay be worthy of et. How could I spend the rest of forever knowing that I was neglecting my duty left undone back in the land of the liv’n? I met an angelic lad called Cassius who said he could petition his lord Kelemvore to send me back to the liv’n, but the “price” he would ask for would be my memories and life essence. About one in five of my memories would remain in the land of the dead and be gone forever. I could nay pay that price! My memories are too precious to meh! Especiall my memory of that Valkareh! And what if I forgot how te foight! Naaaayy. Proice was too high. And would defeat the purpose of go’n back!

    So my spirit lingered there in the fugue. For five times five days. Every moment there the temptation to follow the Valkareh tore at meh soul let me tell yeh! But for every day I was there my resolve to do my duty became more solid. After two and a half tendays I was solid as a rock!

    Finally, when my days of temptation were complete, the fine lad KENTON SETH saw to it that I was raised back into the land of the liv'n. He's a good lad that Kenton! He dragged my bloated, maggot infested carcass back to the temple to be raised. That must have been a scene aye? Folks at the temple dressed in their nice clothes going off to be pious and pray, and while they’re there worship’n and pray’n all nice loik - along comes Kenton drag’n my stinkeh corpse through he place! I can still feel some maggots crawling around under meh armour! Came here to take a bath, but ale first aye!?

  • Legion

    Jonty Carefully unwrapped the master worked Mithril battle axe and presented it to the enchanter. The axe gleamed with an almost unnatural sheen, as if reflecting light that wasn’t present in the room.

    Jonty was accompanied by the strong smell of spirits, ale and other toxic beverages.

    “So that’s et – a virgin axe of mithreel – nay been used in battle nor te shed any blood.”

    “Excellent,” said Randle, “And you brought in the rest of the reagents last week. So now all we need is a vial of the blood of the kind of enemy you wish the blade to the thirsty for.”

    “Aye .. y’did mention that. And I did have a lot of Dwergar blood on meh … but I nay remembered to wipe et all off and wring it into a wee vial for yeh.”.

    “Ah … well… if you hope to use the axe to strike down Duergar then a vial of your own blood would suffice. Technically the same ra-“

    “NOW SEE HERE YE WEE SHITE!” Interrupted Jonty with a furious bark, “My blood is NAY the same as that of a FILTHEH DUERGAR SCUM!”

    “Ah … “ Randal attempted to continue, “ You see th-“


    “… Indeed. Well if –“

    “MY BLOOD is NAY the same as a DUERGAR’S !”

    Randal knew he would have to proceed with some creativity. “It sounds to me that your blood is full of hatred for the dueargar?”

    “… AYE. They spend ALL their dark days dreaming up of new ways to do EVEEL, to crush the INNOCENT, disobey their PARENTS, and to DISREGARD mining claims.”

    “Yes, so it would be that … that fire … that we would be harvesting for the enchantment!”

    “Aye.” Replied Jonty, “The righteous indignation against those grey skinned villains burns through moi veins loik a FIYAH! And nay loik a regular fiyah, loik .. the lava from a VOLCANO!”

    “Indeed. Yes well … if you could shed some blood into this vial, we shall be able to get started!”

    Jonty whipped a dagger out of its scabbard on his belt and stabbed the heel of his palm with it. Clenching his fist, he bled into the vial until it was full.

    “… Very good.” Randal arranged the axe and other reagents on the enchantment circle. ‘This may take some time, but you will feel the enchantment drawing from you. So for the next day or two I recommend that you avoid any strenuous work or heavy lifting. You may also forget some recent events as if your experiences have been drawn away to empower the enchantment. This is quite normal and nothing to be alarmed by.”

    Jonty wasn’t really listening. He was fixated on the axe, fantasising about its ability to cut through heavy duergar armour as if it were wet paper, burying itself deep in the bodies of his grey skinned foes.


    As the Enchantments were woven over the mithril axe, it’s head began to darken. Rather than reflect the ambient light in the room, it began absorbing it – thirsty for the lifeblood of its foe.



    +2 AB (+1 for free from Mithril axe) : 3 points.
    +3 AB vs Dwarves (+2 already paid for):2 points.

    +2 Damage vs Dwarves: 4 points.
    40% weight (Mithril Battle axe)

    Total: 9 Points.

  • Legion

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  • Legion

    ((Jonty sits at the bar almost totally naked except for a black pair of Lacey elven woman's underwear. He has just stopped shivering after coming indoors from Blackbridge's frigid snow storm. His naked body is decorated with tatoos - mostly of ladies faces. One is of his mother, but the rest are of his favourite whores.))

    Bit warmer in here AYE!?

    Will pack something a bit warmer t'wear next time aye?

    Was com'n up here from Peltarch see, and the caravan master says he wants to charge me based on how many pounds I wanted to haul! I was really keen to come up ere cause folks were say'n t'meh "JONTEH! y'must go up to BLACKBRIDGE! You can buy some nice things up thar!" ... but I don't want to spend all m'coins just paying the caravan master for th'trip!

    So ... I put ALL m'gear into my chest in Peltarch. Apart from meh nickers ... Oh and meh coin purse. Now the coin purse was actually pretty heavy form all the wee monsters I had been slaughtering about the place - was pay'n well! But I didn't want that bastard caravan master weighing m'gold and charging me for et, so I rolled the purse up and shoved it up my arse. BAH! Weigh THAT!

    So I'm talking to the loovely bald man over there in the red dress and he es selling magical gear! And I say to 'im "Ohh aye - those gauntlets look noice!" and he tell meh they stop you from getting cut - and I say "I HATE gett'n CUT!" and I take my coins out of me arse and give them ALL to him! ... So now I have a loovely gauntlet that stops meh from gett'n CUT!

    But as it turns out - (takes a sip from his pint) - now the caravan master wants to charge me coins for the weight of meh GAUNTLET! The gauntlet was a bit too sharp and pointeh to shove up my arse, and I just gave meh last coin to the loovely bald man in the red dress for said gauntlet. So I had no weh t'get back to Peltarch and I'm go'n te freeze te DEATH if I stay up 'ere. So I try to git me a quick job to pay for a trip back down the mountain. Soomeone says to meh "Oh Jonteh, why don't you go ask for a job at the mines!"

    (skulls the rest of his pint)

    Well I always told m'Par that I'd NEVER be a miner ... but I don't want te freeze te death, so I swallow meh pride and go to the mines. As soon as I go in there the smell of it hit meh - the smell of stone, coal smoke, man stench ... it smelled just like m'Par. Was an emotional moment for meh actually. [[explo xp lvled Jonty up!}}

    Turns out there's not much mining going on 'cause folks are stay'n away from the cave spidehs. And the fella at the mine tells meh that if I want a job that he'll pay for SPIDEH LEGS! So I'm like "AYE LAD! I'll go git ye those legs!"

    So in I go - dressed in naught but meh panties and my nice new gauntlet I just bought from the loovleh man in the red dress. I was thinking "they're probably just wee poisonous spidehs ... how will I find em?" - but there was no problem find'n them 'cause they have arses as big as mellons! And you don't need to go find them 'cause they come and find yoou!

    So I'm ripping tha legs off these spidehs with me bare hands thinking "THIS is EASEH COIN!" ... until I come to one mine that has long thin stalagmites going roight up to theh ceiling ... but they weren't no stalagmites! They were HUGE SPIDEH LEGS! It came right at meh! HUGE! After I fully shate m'self I managed to kill the thing and pull it's legs off.... figured the fella at the front of the mine may give meh a little extra seeing that these legs were ... extra large and all.... I come back to 'im and hand over the legs and he is loik "Thanks - no coin for you today. Thanks!"

    Now normally if I had agreed to work for someone and they then don't give meh me coin I'd just punch their face until all thar teeth fell oout - weave their teeth into a trinket, and then go sell said trinket ... but I had a bit of an epiphany you see ...

    (skulls second pint.)

    Y'see ... there are two kinds of fellas in the world. ... well more than two ... you could put them on a scale... So on one end of the scale are those who can't take care of themselves. They need others to take care of 'em. Let's put them on the "useless" end of the scale. Then there are those who can take care of themselves. Let's put them on the "not useless" middle part of the scale. Now, up on the end of the scale are those who make it their personal responsibility to take care of others. Nay for coin - cause that'd just put you in theh middle of theh scale. Folks up on the other end of the scale take care of others because they have taken that upon themselves. "FARK'N HEROES" if you will! This poor lad in the mine was closer to the "useless" end of theh scale y'see. He needed someone closer to the other end of the scale to take care of shite for him. And today that was MEH!

    So I say to 'im "You know what fella? Yoou keep ye precious coins. I found some coin on one of your dead miners ... so I'm good. And taking care of this terrible spideh problem of yours was a personal pleasure! You ever need help again ... you let JONTEH GLYNDWYR know .. and I'll be 'ere t'help!"

    [[loosely based on in game events]]