Dancing Through the Pain - Laerune

  • -A tightly bound black-leather notebook might be seen at her hip from time to time. Upon its cover, simple L and D overlaid in the color of magenta. Where one able to get a hold of it, some segments were written in simple ink, while others likely in what some might assume to be blood.-


    So I'm being chastised for poor notes. Pretty annoying. But I've started to see the value as well. A collection of thoughts. I wonder how I'll feel down the line? I suppose I shouldn't leave anything incriminating…

    I feel like so much has changed since I first made my way here. I danced with a ghost, I've seen so many villains like in stories... My imagination went wild. For the first time, I picked up a dagger and fought with it... I learned to defend myself, not just how to run away or to entertain... I had always scorned the gods for not paying me any mind. But, thinking back on it... Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was being watched the whole time.

    Have you ever felt true passion? To let go of your fears and embrace that fire in your chest. Its dangerous. It can get you killed. But hells is it ever a rush.


    _Though through the warmest flames, we smolder.
    and through the coolest chill, we shiver.
    Through sweetest pain, we suffer.

    All in all, its not so bad…

    For each sensation makes it clearer,
    Such rapturous passion nearer.
    My adoration ever dearer...

    Your lash upon my soul, leaves me but dancing mad._


    Again... Again I fell to the demons. Demons, demons, demons. Others put their faith in me. Others tried to assure my protection. Its funny, truly. I'm not a hero, nor am I trying to be. But they are getting in my way.

    But I did it. I fought. I cut him. That's enough. I'm not the little girl I used to be.... I make my own choices now. I will not visit some wall. I will not give up.
    I will not stay down until I have you screaming in anguish before me, whether you like it or not, you bloody witch.

    …. I remember something.

    A Prayer.

    _Maiden, sweet maiden.
    My heart is swollen.
    Lash it, chain it, break it.
    For it weeps for another.


    Leave me here, if my pain pleases you.
    Keep her living, so we may share that pain.
    Remove those from living, who would fail to know temperance._


    I've been learning ever since I was guided to this path. I've access to so many books. Its a wonderful feeling, this power over others. Its honest. Its pure. It makes my heart soar. I feel freedom from the shackles of the past...
    But I haven't forgotten you.

    To be weightless, like a ghost, dancing carefree… I've always wanted to experience it. Perhaps I've found my way.


    _1.Dance, dance, dance with me,
    Forever fancy, forever free.

    2.Show me something I've never known,
    To be locked up, I may have grown.

    1.My bells will ring, my whip will swing,
    to my bloody claws, your heart will sing
    Find me now and lift me higher,
    As you sink into the mire…
    Show me your fear, isn't it dire?
    All there is above, is to admire...
    Alight the flame, of your inner pyre!

    2. What I have, I did not need.
    What I wanted, who cares now?
    All I feel, is the want to heed.
    This sensation, my furrowed brow.
    Somehow, I knew.

    Thank you._


    I didn't think it would be so difficult, being a bloody knight. The physical part? I got that down. But... We were asked to take specialties. Of course, I took to Wyches (Not going to Forget~)… Given my cursed arms and armor, it seems a given. And yet... None will let me study a damn thing!

    That's fine... I don't -need- permission. I'll find my way to that mage and her tree, and I've a tutor lined up for curses...

    Honest Lies

    _Should I tell you this, oh you will remember this.
    This or that? I cannot say, for there you will forget.
    That is to say, this is there, where?

    Would you, if you ever knew.
    What truths are true, if only hidden.
    Never have I told you that is true,
    All you need to know is this.

    Lost? Don't blame you. I am too.
    How could I ever lie to you?
    If I can't remember this._

  • P.9

    It's been ages since I've last wrote. How things change huh?

    I'd been released. Out into the world, accepted by some, rejected by others. Who could blame them? I deserved a harsher punishment than I received.

    But.... I'm starting to feel it subside. That urge to hurt. That pain that kept giving, overflowing in an ever passionate heart. Even if it may never go away,
    I can hide it. Deep down, pinned beneath the growing light, like the moonlit sky.

    I put my doubts aside. I know my sins. My friends encouraging me, despite what I've done. To join the knights so fitting, a clear Cerulean sky, waiting for me.
    Let it rain, let it pour, let it hail. Let doubt be cast upon me like lightning. I'll continue to soar and meet that silvery disk. The light amidst the darkness.

    How amusing it must be to he who brought me my recruitment package. Telling me I must report to he who's friend I've murdered. Whom was just as likely
    to have passed onto the next life. Perhaps it was not for Tyr, nor Torm to judge me, for this justice is all to poetically Hoaran. Pliskin. He's remarkably
    accepting despite it all. I could see the occasional hardened stare but... I think things will be alright. He keeps telling me Lycka is some sort of monster, but
    I've yet to see any of that. She accepted my application after all.... I'll even get to work with Eowiel more often, who is apparently Pliskin's superior.

    I wonder, which side I'll fall in line with. The orderly militarians or the original free-spirited knights.

    I had my own taste, just shortly after my induction. To be present as an old friend goads a company of guards called in . Guards who gave me the evil eye and
    goaded me all their own for what I've done. What did I do? I stood in the way of a fresh arrival, that their ignorance not let them see the gaol. Besides, she had
    been so kind to defend me in earlier judgement upon my induction. But.... I left my friend to be sent away. It was his own fault, of course. I told him to keep quiet,
    but he refused.

    Was it right? That I would have to draw my blade against him were he to tear away the bars in a changed-shape. It's... a little sad. I recall when I was imprisoned,
    he offered to do the same. To simply pull the bars from the cell and have me free. But there was reason to it. Why laws exist.

    The guard seemed to think so. A brief whisper, that maybe they were wrong to judge me as I was. That I might be a rather good fit after all.

    Is this what I was missing all along?

    Yet, after speaking with the elder elf. I find myself wondering ever more. Have I found myself in the service of something doomed to self-destruction? Am I in
    a position any different from before? In two respects... I could work towards its removal. Should I? Is one corruption worse than another? Of two evils,
    is one better? I... have not yet found these answers for myself. I hope whatever happens, that it's for the better.

    I wonder, if you would forgive me too father? If you would be proud of me. Of what I've become. I hope you found what you were looking for in the end.

    Ballad of a Patriot

    Tell only, those we know.
    Tell them, to let it go. (Never Let go)
    Nevermind ,what the others say.
    Tomorow's, just another day. ( Or so they say )

    Tell only, those we know.
    Tell them, to let it go. (Tell them it isn't so)
    Nevermind ,what the others say.
    Tomorow's, just another day. ( We will make you pay )

    By the sweet words we sing evermore,
    Tell me, oh king, what fight we for?
    For the blood spilt upon this land
    Do we, ride on to hell, hand in hand?

    Tell only, those we know.
    Tell them, to let it go. ( Is this all just a show? )
    Nevermind, what others say.
    Tomorrow's, just another day. ( Come on, to the foray )

    By the shadows hiding in the night,
    hunting deep beyond our sight,
    For the blood spilt, we undergo
    the nightmarish, endless rondo

    Tell only those we know.
    Tell them to let it go.
    ( Where, is, our, hero? )
    Nevermind what others say.
    Tomorrow's another day!
    (Oh please keep them at bay!)

    To the crimson skies above,
    or from trembling earth.
    Can we not face our foes,
    desecrating our hearth!
    Where are you now?
    Oh heroes so bold?
    Shine your light,
    in the night!
    Become new stories of old!

    Tell everyone you know.
    (Take heed of what we say,)
    Never let it go.
    (We will keep them at bay!)
    Be your own hero
    (Join us in the foray,)
    In a great big show.
    (We will make them pay!)

    So find your voice amidst the crowd
    Don't hide it, be loud and proud
    Let everyone know tomorow's your day.
    May all hear, what you have to say.

  • P.8

    It's felt like ages since I last took a peek in here.

    It's sad, really.

    I've been in this cell for months, counting tiles, singing to myself, trying to come up with terrible jokes only to cringe at them. So many of my thoughts were towards redemption before confessing. I wanted to. So badly. To confess to everything, lay my heart out in the open to be impaled by the righteous.

    I couldn't do it.

    Everyone… Told me not to do it. You're crazy. You're stupid. You're insane. You'll never sing or dance again. You won't live to see another day outside this grey. I wouldn't have a life anymore. Not on my own, nor with them.

    My chest still hurts.

    I... Really hope a that when I find myself back in my armor with blade in hand, that it just numbs away this dull ache in my soul. I prayed for judgement, but this doesn't feel right... To lie and lie and lie... I'm so tired of it... Why wouldn't I have just been drawn to heroes from the start...?

    It's funny, though...

    All this time locked away... I can count on my hands the amount who payed me a visit. Those who really cared and those who held spite and worry... Set apart from many who just, didn't give a shite. Can't say I blame them... For all the good I've done, there will be those who can only focus on the bad... Not because of what you did, but... It really shows what you're capable of.

    Still... Count me pleasantly surprised to see a couple of faces.

    Friends uncomfortable being anywhere near a prison... Friends coming damn near every day to feed me or offer me hope. Those who would come see me regardless of what I did... It's a little ray of sunshine in all this darkness. Even some my senior came to understand I really wanted to repent... Really... Really... I'm sorry... Everyone... Is it even possible for me to reform...?

    I don't know what to think anymore... It wasn't right to be who I wanted to be... And now that I no longer want to be... I'm asked to be... What do I do? Somebody please help me out here... There isn't a me to be anymore... I'm so lost...

    Falling _Once I flew, through the air, so free, fancy free
    Crossing indigo skies, so merry.
    A smile on my face, to find myself, place to place,
    Acting a mischievous fairy.

    But down, down, down we go.
    As sails do fail, as we do fall.
    Down, down, down, we throw
    Our lives away, in a deep dark hole.

    Those do we meet, so pretty and neat.
    And champions so we do adore.
    Tell us, fly with us, we'll carry you more.
    By one elf's words, by Hanali's teet.

    But down, down, down we go.
    As sails do fail, as we do fall.
    Down, down, down, we throw
    Our lives away, in a deep dark hole.

    But my wings, they grow weary.
    My dancing, falling dreary, vision becomimg bleary
    And before long we lose our way.
    Let me toss you aside,
    Need not come for the ride
    So many smiles you did give,
    These wings are mine, this wind I sail,
    For you, there is no crime.

    Because down, down, down I go.
    As my wings do fail, as I do fall.
    Down, down, down, I throw
    My life away, in this deep dark hole.

    How I miss that sky so alive
    Colored by sass carefree
    No chains did bind,
    My spirit needn't find,
    But alas… I felt I must dive.

    Down, down, down I go.
    As I do fail, my spirit falls.
    Down, down, down, I show
    My heart, just a deep dark hole._

  • P.7 ( The writing is rather shaky and inconsistent)
    _I can't back away. I won't run away. I must to stand my ground. Watch my past catch up to me. Please, judge me.

    I can't back away. I won't run away. I must to stand my ground. Watch my past catch up to me. Please, judge me..

    I can't back away. I won't run away. I must to stand my ground. Watch my past catch up to me. Please, judge me…

    I can't back away. I won't run away. I must to stand my ground. Watch my past catch up to me. Please, judge me....

    To know the fear in their heart, let it burn into my skull, as your gaze pierces my soul....._

  • P.6 (This entry seems to be stained rather heavily with what one would imagine to be tears.)

    I've finally decided. I will throw myself to the mercy of the gods. Judge me as you will, no longer can I take this. I've failed to be Loviataran. Nor can I pretend to be of Sharess.

    My sins bear heavy upon this growing conscience of mine. My love, the pain you brought upon my heart… I thank you for it. That I might weep of tears of joy and sorrow is a beautiful thing I will never take for granted. I will one day be the hero your deserve, or I will be found wanting.

    In either case, it is the only way I feel I can do you justice.

    For all those who might call me friend, who trust me, or who mistrust me... I've come to understand. It... Simply isn't possible to ask for trust or friendship, when you hold none for yourself. Forsake me as you see fit... I will bear my penance.

    At least... This makes for an interesting drama.

    _Enough with the lies.
    My soul holds overbearing sin.
    Love, don't cry, my vision's getting blurry.
    Stay here with me tonight.

    My eyes water.

    I can see it in your eyes.
    Know the ache swelling within.
    You can tell I'm always in a hurry.
    Worry not, we always set things right.

    Hold me tight.

    Its because of you.
    You who somehow trusted I.
    I will never forget you, love.
    Love me, like you never have.

    Don't forget me.

    Understand, what it means to be true.
    Even if it means that I may soon die.
    I will always be watching from above.
    Fall not with me, this pain need not be halve.

    Tomorrow, to sunrise.

    There shall be no shelter.
    May the gods hear my plight.
    Be with me, even if you disagree.
    Hope is there, see it in my eyes.

    My Penance._

  • P.5

    Even life's little miracles come with their own complications.

    It feels like… I keep repeating the same mistakes, over and over again.

    I don't think I can take this anymore. I never expected it to be easy... But I guess there's always a reason why people fear what they fear.

    I can stop. At least, I think I can stop. But then, will I still really be me?
    I guess it can't be any worse than Surrin Trusho.

    It's a little funny that I'm trying so hard for people who don't really care. For people who won't trust me for how I am. For what I like. What I feel. What I believe in. But... That isn't really who I'm trying for. I know why I'm doing this. For who.

    If I fade into obscurity, doing small, good deeds... Would you still look at me the way I do, you?

    Ideals of the False _Could you ever be me?
    Would you take a look see?
    Can you understand my deal?
    On a large crimson lake
    For each sacrifice I try to make
    All the heart ache I must seal…

    This isn't right
    For all that's bright
    Deep in the light
    I am just a blight, to reveal

    Never mind, don't worry, stay away.
    No really, I'm fine, look astray
    Come on, we'll sit and have a meal

    If only I could be real.
    ... I wish I could be real._