The Adventures Of Bob & Bub
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_An overturned inkwell spills a small pool of glistening darkness across a wooden desk with an equally overturned pile of papers on it, buckled and stained by tiny paws. The telltale prints seem curiously focused on the paper itself, though clearly the "writer" was suddenly interrupted. The inky paw prints veer off sharply, leading off the desk and across a smooth marble floor to disappear underneath a large bed.
Soon thereafter, a squirming kitten is washed, towelled dry and chastised with stern sounds and much fingerwagging. Indignant, the little creature licks its soft, tawny fur, curls up in a ball and reflects on his short existence._
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In the beginning, there was heat, steam and a dim, flickering light. Bob squinted his blue kitten eyes, but his vision remained too hazy to make out more than some form of shelter above his head and the black shape of his brother Bub beside him. There was a quiet crackling sound, interspersed by the soft hiss of water evaporating. Bob squinted again, sniffing cautiously while Bub took a wobbling step forwards to explore.
Then came a sudden creaking noise, and light spilled into the room. The two kittens shrank back against the wall, huddled close together. New and unfamiliar sounds filled the room; giant feet slapping against wet stone and a deep booming voice, mingling with one far softer and higher in pitch. His tiny heart pitter-pattering, Bob made himself as small as can be, listening tensely to the sounds of the giant intruders.
More footsteps, a creak followed by a slam and urgent whispers that grew gradually more quiet. An icy dread built in the pit of Bob's stomach. They were plotting to hunt kittens, he just knew it! A small and panicky mewl escaped him and suddenly, the whispers stopped.
Bob held his breath. He could practically ~hear~ them listening, and though he was now still and quiet as a mouse, the sound of his heart beating was a loud, thrumming echo in his ears. Surely they heard it too..
Oh no!
Giant, flat and furless feet approached, each thunderous step sending tremors through the ground.
Oh NO!
The feet, attached to great, hairy tree trunks of legs, stopped just short of the shelter.
THEY'RE COMING TO EAT US WHOLE!
Bob mewled in terror and pressed up against the wall, but beside him, Bub sniffed curiously, squinting his baby blue eyes. The image of a black cat was traced onto that massive leg...
'Brother, I think our servants have arrived! Just in time too, I'm starving', Bub deduced with a suddenly confident air, meowing as he took eager, unsteady steps out towards the towering giant. Instead of gruesomely devouring the little black cat, the giant crouched to make gentle rumbling noises, stroking Bub's head with a gigantic paw. More animal images were etched into the giant's mostly furless hide, and somewhat reassured, Bob took a cautious step forwards to see them better.
Suddenly a second pair of feet blocked his way, these far smaller than the first, and even more bereft of fur. The smaller giant crouched down aswell, a thick coat of dark hair running down it's back, a long strand of it dangling before Bob's very eyes. Curiosity overcame fear and he batted a tiny paw at it. The strand swayed enticingly and Bob swatted it again, then wrestled the hair down to chew on it, enthused.
A soft burst of amused sound came from the giant before it scooped him right up in the air, placing him on a soft and comforting cushion. Beside him, Bub purred raspily, and Bob had to concede that his brother was right - these two must be the staff. There was just one thing that didn't make sense: Bub's servant bore such clear signs of ownership, but his own was bare and smooth like an empty canvas, with not a trace of a tawny cat image anywhere upon the skin. He looked up at her - for he had decided it was a her - in confusion and uncertainty.
She made soft and soothing noises in reply. Bob looked back to find his brother smugly perched on the other's lap, and looked again for markings on his smaller giant's skin. There were none, but it was soft and smelled pleasant and inviting. Perhaps she would be a little harder to train than Bub's Black Cat faithful, but she would do. She would do quite nicely indeed. He staked his claim with a buff of his small kitten head and climbed back into her lap, purring with new proprietor rights.
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Seconded. :nod:
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gives this thread the "Werekitty Stamp of Approval"
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Bub's eyes scanned the dim barracks of Norwick restlessly.
They had done so for many a night, and continued to do so this one, waiting. Albryanna wasn't in the office again, and big dad-cat was out again, probably doing something else that resulted in him coming home like fresh and … well more recently, Not fresh meat...
The sleek but very muscled little predator fretted a little. What if Dad-cat was eating the bad meat? This... was a mission of greatest importance! He had grown tough, to be more like Dad-cat, but figuring that Dad-cat must surely need his help getting fresh food, he scampered down from his usual high-up perch, and lurked under the bunks until a promising shadow made it's way to...
The quiet place.
Here, no electricity charged his fur, and the only common sounds were quiet grumbles of weak humans, defeated by Dad-cat's longclaw, or one of the smaller big ones. Some were even as wide as they were tall!
One of them was putting a bucket of wet into one of the pointless doors. ANYONE could get through the things.. well except the other humans for some reason. Everyone can squish themselves through impossibly small things, right?
Trotting down the cell block, he found what he was looking for... a big, fat, rat, menacing one of the humans too dumb to squeeze through... and it couldn't even kill it! The human was puny and scared of it, and the food still couldn't kill it. It surely deserved to be food...
But still.
There wasn't any reason to go... interrupting, right? The rat was only Bub's size, it couldn't be that big a challenge. Still, it's best to give the human it's chance.
SNAP
Somehow, the rat must have tripped, or slipped, or been -really- old. No way such a puny human, less than half of a Dad-cat, could have felled such a mighty foe! Now was the chance. Bub would take out the survivor, and bring it for Dad to eat! Surely he would marvel at the hunter's prowess that showed!
A shadow LEAPED into the cell, dark save for glistening teeth and flashing claws, emitting what MUST have been a scream! Oh-aahh-kitt-ah! Surely that means something skin to surrender... his voice was weak and wavery and not at all scary... AHA!
The human surrendered the kill, making strange noises, it must be crazy, but still, it paid it's homage to the dominant hunter. It would be ill befitting such a mighty beast not to accept such humility...
The man in the cell shook his head as the kitten DRAGGED off the big ole rat, struggling like hell with the stairs, but not giving up for anything, except to stop and lick a paw seemingly every time he looked to hard at it. Weird...
An hour later, Cecil the Dad-cat put on his spare boots, trading out the soggy ones, only to find one quite full of ... well, dinner apparently.
"Well done, mightiest of hunters!" he congratulated the kitten, giving it a fond pat and the perfect scritch behind the ear... (the best!), before presenting the gift back. That hunt WAS exhausting, and surely Dad-cat saw that. He didn't smell like bad meat this time though... so it MUST be okay to eat this instead -for- him. One MUST not waste a victorious battle's reward!
Next time... he would surely bring dad-cat a meal worthy of a cat! Perhaps of the the low to the ground, really well fed not-humans...
Dreams of dwarf - chasing lulled the kitten to sleep ... and remarks by dwarven guards might reflect on the newly vicious nature of said kitten for days to come, if those naps didn't take precedence too often. A hunter must conserve his strength, after all...
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Bob vs Roland
Bob, still vexed with the lack of progress in becoming the undisputed center of the marble universe of the Divine Shield halls, took his time in planning the next move. This time, he thought to himself, he would start at the top and not waste his time on minions!
From his perch on the shelf overlooking the Handmaiden's bed, Bob studied the lumbering giants comings and goings closely, remaining cunningly still so as to be near forgotten - or mistaken for a particularily fetching porcelin figure. After careful study, Bob selected three promising targets, based largely on his Handmaiden and Ratface both invariably snapping into attention at these particular giants presence.
The three seemed apart from the rest, yet often mumbled and rumbled together, their voices deep and ~important~ sounding from behind the door of the meeting room. Bob slunk inside the room on soundless kitten feet, hiding beneath the giant oak table.
The first, Bob deemed the Elder Giant, grey and grizzled with a booming voice reverberating from its mighty barrel of a chest. While aged, Bob's original optimistic plan of physical conquest soon faded upon closer study, the giant's massive hand making the entire table shake with a thump and a hearty chortle at the words of the other two. Moments before pouncing its massive metal-clad foot, Bob halted, the tabletop groaning woodenly above his head. Grudgingly, he had to admit there was strength in the giant still, and silently dubbed it the "Old Bear".
It would probably be wiser to ingratiate himself with this Elder instead, thought Bob, prudently. A gift of some sort, an offering of ~respect~…. yes, that would work - at least until such time as the old bear grew weak enough to subdue with tooth and claw! Enthused at his own wile, the kitten darted off to find a suitable trophy. His too-eager hunt for a fly on the wall left him exhausted, but just as he was about to give up, oh miracle of miracles! A big fat fly, dangling from the shimmering tendrils of a spider's web!
Easy pickings!
Without a second thought, Bob pounced headlong into the web, a streak of pale, furry fury - soon becoming a ball of sticky, squirming discomfort instead. This gift definitely had strings attached, and they would not go away, help, help, HELP! The frantic kitten rolled, flailed and stomped at the hapless fly and its highly annoyed spider guardian, tumbling across the floor with a high pitched wail accompanying the mortal combat.
Once the dust and the panic settled, Bob stood panting but victorious, paws sticky with a paste of his would-be prize. Most of the spider was still whole though... and it was a fearsome predator, the remains of an EPIC struggle. Old Bear could not help but be impressed, surely!
Bob delicately snagged the mangled corpse between his tiny razor sharp teeth, trotting off to the meeting room just as the giants were rounding off their session. The Old Bear harumphed heartily, shuffling his papers together when a sticky kitten suddenly jumped up on the paperwork, coughing up something dark and squishy with a few mangled legs sticking out.
A proud Bob looked up to incongruously narrowing giant's eyes, an icy disapproval settling across the room. Puzzled and hurt, he prodded his prize again, smearing spidery mash onto paper, then looked up again with the biggest of his big kitten blues, imploring.
"Look, for ~you~! I slayed the monster for YOU!"
The message seemed lost in translation as the grizzled giant hissed in a breath, swiftly disposing of both kitten and the top sheet of paper with a quiet, rumbling grumble of discontent.
And just like that, the door slammed shut. A sulking Bob decided the failure was not with him - how could it be, when he had risked LIFE AND LIMB to impress Old Bear? No, it must be that while the flesh remained strong, the wit had gone soft with age in that particular giant. The next one would prove much more understanding...
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Bob vs Elena
Bob's charm offensive - or Plan For World Domination, as he liked to think of it - continued unabated. He begun with the smallest of the denizens, his Handmaiden aside, a blonde female creature who seemed gentle and mild of manner. An easy conquest, surely!
The kitten got off to a flying start, charming the giant with a few standard tricks - the "Look at me, aren't I adorable?" section seeming to score high points as he batted huge kitten eyes, chased a pebble across the temple floor and finally inserted himself into the nearest of her pockets, purring like a tiny chainsaw. Bob practically bulged with pride - hardly even breaking a sweat with this one! He was convinced of his victory, up until sitting his tawny self down on the book she was reading.
Gently but firmly, he was pushed away, and the giants attention returned to the book. Bob blinked, amazed. The audacity! Had she failed to see how vastly superior he was in both cuteness and interest level, compared to that.. that.. inanimate object!? Surely not, she was just playing games.. He returned to sit right in the middle of the book, licking his paw in nonchalant manner.
A look, a smile. Victor-… nooo! Once again, Bob was pushed aside. Hrmph! This calls for the heavy artillery. With a softly ingratiating meow, he stroked himself against the giant's hand, then flopped over onto the book, fuzzy belly up. How could anyone resist? The giant smiled again, giving a gentle little rub. Yes! Finally!
...and then she lifted him out of the way, and kept reading. Bob bristled, pouncing at her hand in a last desperate attempt at center stage, but this only earned him a gentle chiding noise, and then, before he knew it, he was staring at a closed door. Dismayed, Bob clawed the door and gave his most annoyingly high pitched meow of protest.
Nothing.
Petulant and unwilling to admit defeat, Bob stalked back and forth for a while, thinking hard. It couldn't be that he failed, he ~had~ her with the pocket trick, he knew it! No, it must be those papery things fault.. they mesmerised her with some kind of magic, some dark and UNFAIR magic beyond kitten ken!
Bob resolved to take every opportunity to sneak into the library and do away with his rivals - the many leatherbound tomes, the oddly fragrant, tantalizing herbs and the small vials and flasks. But the blond giant, soon nicknamed "Hawkeye" in his mind, was ever alert to disturbances. Barely had he time to knock a flowerpot over, or claw the cover of a book before she scooped him up in a gentle but inescapable grip, and the door swung shut on his schemes once more.
This wasn't going well. Perhaps the bigger giants would be more susceptible to manipulation, Bob mused as he consoled himself with dissecting a stray potato from the kitchen, leaving crumbly, soggy bits of it all across the floor.
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Bob vs Mr. Wobbles (round one)
Bob was a kitten with a mission. As he begun exploring his new home, he had simultaneously launched his charm offensive against the residents of these echoing stone halls, having slowly reached the conclusion that unlike the Handmaiden, they were not all there to serve his smallest whim. No, strange as it may sound, these lumbering giants had their own unfathomable agenda, daily comings and goings which seemed to have nothing at all to do with Bob - as of yet. If he was not yet the center of this stone-clad universe, then he was determined to become just that.
Ratface remained the Handmaiden's closest associate, and given the obvious affection between the two, Bob grudgingly decided not to blame the black-haired giant for the bristling rodent stuck on his upper lip. Rather, Ratface must be seen as the victim of the rat's malicious scheme, and should be liberated from the demonic entity, poste haste!
Heroically, Bob launched himself at the giant's face when it slept, during breakfast, during prayer - yes, whenever the rat upon his lip seemed still and unaware, he tried to tug and tear it loose, but to no avail. It was firmly rooted, and the giant would yelp and defend it. Not only that, but each attempt would cause no end of fingerwagging and stern mumblings from both Handmaiden and Ratface, both clearly under the demon rat's spell!
On one such quest of midnight daring-do, Bob tiptoed soundlessly up, approaching the bed of the possessed, when ~something~ caught a ray of moonlight, glinting enticingly up on a nearby shelf. Immediately distracted, Bob jumped from floor to chair, from chair to desk, and stared up at the shelf above. A glass jar stood there, filled with a clear, mysterious substance. Something moved within, and as Bob crept nearer, a sudden blurbing of noise was heard. A shimmering air bubble rose in the jar, exploding with the softest of pops. What ~was~ that?
Intensely curious, Bob took aim and landed with a flurry of paws, half way onto the shelf. With a frantic squirm, he pulled himself up, quickly licking his paw and smoothing tousled fur, though no one had witnessed his less than graceful landing. Or had they? The jar blurbed again, and Bob saw tiny chunks of more substantial matter move ever so slowly inside it. Mesmerized, Bob pressed his tiny nose against the glass, peering in…
...and saw his own image reflected, distorted and huge. DEMON, GHOST!!
'MeeoooOOOOooaaahhhhhwww!'
Bob bounced backwards on all fours, tumbling off the shelf, rolling across the desk and landing flat on the bed, waking Ratface with a start. Mere moments afterwards, the flailing kitten was carried off to the Handmaiden's bed by the scruff of his little neck, and familiar fingerwagging commenced. Bob didn't mind this time, so terrified was he of the strange new guardian the Rat had procured. He curled up in a ball of frightened fluff next to the Handmaiden, drifting into uneasy sleep.
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Squirreled tightly into the warm fold of a sheepskin slipper, Bob peered out from below the enormous bed as the metal-clad boots retreated in the distance, the sharp sound of their passing echoing in the wide open room. His new home was very big, though so far he had not explored much further than the bed itself and the nearby desk, mostly hiding under both.
It wasn't that he was afraid, oh no! Of course not, thought Bob with a haughty sniff - after all, was he not a cat, a superior being? Of course he was.. it just ~happened~ to be his superior and wise decision to remain here for the time being. He soothed himself with these thoughts and a thorough licking, soon falling asleep inside the slipper.
He woke with a rumbling tummy, mewling insistantly as he ventured outside to look for his Handmaiden. She was late, AGAIN! Indignant, Bob contemplated leaving her a nasty surprise in the slipper next time, but these dark thoughts soon evaporated as his servant appeared, the scent of warm, delicious milk wafting from the bottle in her hand.
As he gorged on the sweet meal and received his rightful due of affection, Bob graciously decided to forgive the Handmaiden. It wasn't her fault she was a bit slow, she WAS still in training and had certain redeeming features, such as good cleanliness and an affectionate manner. A delicate scratch to his chin, and Bob burped lightly, followed by a long sighing purr of contentment. He would reward her, he decided on a whim! But how?
Bob had very vague ideas of what constitutes a proper reward, but in his catlike mind, they all took more or less the same shape - something small and furry which went 'squeak' for some reason. After a nap curled up in the warm and snuggly crook of his Handmaiden's neck, Bob left his servant to her sleep and padded out onto the cold marble floor, boldly going where no kitten had gone before.
Shadows loomed and strange creaking noises sent Bob's little heart pitter-pattering once more. He crept alongside the walls, silently convincing himself that he was a great hunter on a nightly quest, a GREAT HUNTER who feared nothing! Wobbly kitten legs climbed a threshold and slipped under the shade of a table, where he paused suddenly, ears perked.
Was that.. a squeaking sound?
He listened closely, a soft wheezy whisper heard on regular intervals, like that of a great lumbering beast's breathing. But wait, wait.. there it was again! A squeak, or perhaps a snort of sorts! His prey was near!
A giant bed loomed ahead, much alike his own Handmaiden's sleeping place. A large figure lay there, its chest rising and falling in rythm with the sounds. Bob assumed it another hairless giant and was about to dismiss it as irrelevant to his quest when suddenly, ~something~ moved on the creature's top lip, a flutter of dark fur and the squeaking sound came again. Holy mother of all cats… it was huge!
Bob stalked near, heart a-thumping. Like a tiny ninja, he climbed the bedspread and crouched down low, tail lashing slowly as he stalked closer. The giant was much larger than his own servant, if not quite so huge as Bub's, and seemingly so fast asleep as not to notice lightweight kitten steps upon his person. Holding his breath, Bob tiptoed silently up his chest, eyes wide as he saw the big black Rat looming before him, bristling with malice and evil, squeaky intent!
It hadn't seen him yet, had it?!
He flattened himself instinctively, but the Rat remained immobile, unaware of its impending doom. Bob took a slow breath, back legs coiling like springs, ready to snap into deadly motion. His tail lashed furiously, then Bob leaped into action with a death-defying roar!
'MeooOOoow!'
He landed across the giant's face, paws spread wide. The Rat bristled underneath his belly, and Bob dug his tiny claws in, biting and tugging madly at the beast, which remained firmly attached to the giant's face. A thunderous bellow ensued, and gigantic hands flailed at the kitten, knocking the wind out of him.
Bob gasped for breath, wheezing as the giant hand reached for him, the other giving a now familiar gesture of finger wagging. The Rat was STILL on the giant's face, and stubbornly, Bob took one last swing at it before he was carried off to his Handmaiden's bed, with many a stern sound from Ratface.
Was the giant a vile Rat servant, or merely possessed by the demon Rat infesting his face, Bob wondered as he curled up to lick his wounds. For tonight, he had to admit defeat, but one day.. one day the Rat would be slain, so he silently vowed to himself as he drifted off to sleep, snuggled once more against the warm neck of his Handmaiden.
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Excellent!!!
I have always thought that while dogs are pets, cats are people. Dogs have owners, cats have servents. I see that you understand cats!
Aubrey Maturin
Character: Romulus Grey
