3. Drifting Feather - Musings of Ama'bael

Drifting Feather - Musings of Ama'bael


  • _I miss Evermeet. I miss the warmth of my family and the comforts of home. The beds here in Narfell smell of stale sweat and adventurers. How I long to slip under sheets that smell sweet of silken sachets of fresh flowers and vanilla. I do hope one day I am as soft and domestic as my mother is and that I will be slipping sweet smelling flowers in the beds of my children making their reveries that much sweeter to rise from. I want my children when they are out on their own to have such fond memories of home, its comforts and scents. I want to create a loving home and family with a strong husband, like my father is, to lead our household. –- But, such a life is a couple centuries away and not going to happen before I learn to use a great sword and defend His people.

    Our elven Father willing of course. I shall always go where He directs me and never attempt to question why...even if I do not understand initially. I may never have my own home if that is not my purpose. I am currently His feather upon the wind until He deems differently.

    For now though, I suppose I just do not understand the ways of this land yet and it is making me long for home that much more. There is no elven village as I had been told on my way here. It seems years ago it was destroyed and the elves of Narfell were scattered to the wind and forced to fend for themselves. Do not get me wrong, many elves here still band with one another, but from an outsider’s perspective they seem more like friends meeting up, than family. It is quiet disheartening considering the family I just left.

    All that considered, I have been fortunate enough to meet some lovely people in this land though. Some of them have truly surprised me in their generosity and kind heart. The most surprising woman I’ve met was a female elf that I harshly judged as a savage. She choked my friend Thorn until his face was crimson and his body went limp and hit the ground. I tried to peel her off of him, but the force of her grip was so great I could not before he was out cold. Thorn has been so kind to me since I arrived, my anger got the best of me and I lashed out verbally at the woman. She snarled back, attacking my heritage and more or less accusing me of just being another prissy sun elf mage. I promptly corrected her. I am a sun elf it is true, but prissy I am not. (It's not prissy to appreciate the finer things in life. It's not!)

    The most surprising part was she gifted me with a blade and armor when our tempers had cooled. I can not say I would have done the same if I was in her position. But truly she has a generous heart capable of seeing past a petty squabble. I pray one day I am able to do the same. Meeting her has been a great lesson to me that I shall never forget.

    Then there is Thorn as I mentioned above. He is a lovely dark haired elven man. He is more than kind to me as she shows me around the land and warns me of its various dangers. I think he is some kind of great hero in this land though. Everybody knows him. Everybody stops to speak and take up a few moments of his time. I find myself a little jealous because I want to get to know him too, but I am too bashful to be around such large groups especially when everyone is speaking in common. I know common, but I so rejected learning it, I do not always understand it the best. I think Thorn sees this now, for he speak to me in elven and our beautiful language makes my heart leap with joy as it caresses my ears once again. He is after all a busy elven warrior and I feel fortunate when he does give me a few moments of his time.

    And speaking of warriors, that brings me to Mark. Mark is a human man with scruffy good looks and a heart of pure gold. I suppose to be a paladin, he needed a good heart. Unfortunately he rejected favor with his goddess many years ago and roams this land godless now, him saying he only has faith in his sword and shield. Honor and kindness have not left him even if She did. I pray he finds his way again because he is a caring man who always throws his shield in front of me when we are out hunting together; him always thinking of my welfare and safety first. I think he would do it for any woman, but I am flattered that for now, he does it for me. Although sometimes I wonder if Mark has deeper feelings for me than just wishing to keep me safe; especially when I catch him stealing glances at me as we walk.

    For now though, I have a great sword and Mark has promised to show me how to use it. I greatly look forward to our lessons together though I worry he will not engage me fully since I am a woman and he goes out of his way to be kind to me. To half way teach me will be to harm me further than allowing me to take a few strikes. I hope he is wise enough to know this._


  • A Night of Narfell Ones…..

    _Life often feels like a game of dice. One bad roll and things can go wrong. Three bad rolls and life can be over. This I feel like I have personal experience with, though I also have experience with being Corellon's chosen Champion, so my life not extinguished yet.

    What I speak of is an experience I had last night with a most fierce orc. I have heard whispers of this orc before, I think I have even faced him or his brother in battle once before. Most refer to him as Elfslayer. A beast covered in a myriad of scars, his axe near as large as I am. After a successful mission of blowing up the valley and caves to prevent orcs from attacking Peltarch… one managed to make it out of the rubble. Rather than run headlong at all that stood by, he requested a duel. Ardent so subtle appointed me, leaving me to wonder if she has that much confidence in me or wants me dead. His axe was rather… large. Though the truth is, I would gladly volunteer for the job had she not. My hope was to see if any held more hatred for these beasts than myself, for I would not rob them of the chance to be our champion that night. With no others stepping up or objecting, I stepped up.

    He was not one for words, which is fine with me. He merely charged head long, his axe creating a most fearsome arch. With my blade and shield raised we clashed and his hit struck me like a boulder. I must admit it was hard to keep my footing, though I struck back as fiercely as I could. It was then that I felt like the first one in this game of dice was rolled. He struck me with a blow so hard, I was unsure my hip was still in tact. While addled by this hit, it felt as is my second one was rolled, for the blade I so fiercely held was ejected from my hand. Not any blade, but the blessed blade that Corellon’s messenger Yew had brought to me… the blade that I was told to hold on to for it was my job to watch over the People with His blessing. It fell to the ground. If our Father had not been watching the whole time, I think it was when this blade struck the ground that His attention was gathered. With no sword in hand, I dropped my shield and reach over my shoulder for my great sword, it also a relic of elven battles long past. While I managed to land another fierce hit, and it felt like victory was near, despite my other stumbling, another fierce strike was issued and my third one in life’s game of dice was rolled. I so clearly remember the feeling of my knees hitting the ground and knowing that without healing, I would not be able to rise again. This beast however made the unfortunate mistake of charging past me when down and found himself filled with arrows before he was able to strike anyone else. I was able to witness this before I felt my spirit start to leave my body. I could only smile that the beast was slain, even if my own life forfeit in the process.

    Though clearly, since I am writing here, my story is not over. This is the point when my luck changed. This is the point when I felt Corellon watching over and sending his nod of approval. This is when I felt life restored and found myself springing to my feet, ready to fight on. All pain I had once felt, now gone. How I wish that Elfslayer had not charged ahead and not been filled with arrows. I would have wanted to see the fear in his eyes when he had counted me out and with Corellon’s blessing I was able to rise again and slay him. I would have wanted him to know and understand, even if it had only been for the remaining seconds of his life, that we are a blessed race and that no matter how many times we may stumble, we will rise again and fight until there is nothing left.

    I am most thankful none of us fell in our attempt to collapse the passages the orcs have so long controlled. But above all, I am most thankful to feel Corellon’s hand on my shoulder this evening. To be able to feel your god watching over you and pressing you forward is the most rewarding experience one can ever encounter. He needed not to show up this night for my faith in Him to be strong, but feeling his touch when needed most, my faith is an unbreakable wall… no matter how many powder kegs may line it._


  • Nesting…

    "EWW AWW EWW AWW" Ael'Que brayed as he lifted the feather filled mattress off the cart. A smile flashed across his lips as he looked over at the blonde who easily could have carried the bedding herself.

    "Don't even pretend that you are not excited to help!" Ama said with a little laugh. "At least we had the horses carry it down the pass… you just have to get it up the cliff now. That's all... nothing big."

    "Did you at least set up the pulley like I asked? And does Therean know this is stuffed with feathers or am I going to carry it up there, only to see him toss it off the edge?"

    "Nope. I thought you could just strap it to you back. It's not that heavy. I can do it myself if you think it too much for yourself." She said, her lifting the back of her hand to her forehead in mock exhaustion as she slumped down on the cart once holding her bedding, a long exaggerated sigh coming from her. “And yes, he knows.”

    Ael'Que narrowed his eyes, as a voice from high above called down, Therean chuckling afterwards. "Stay strong, Ael'Que... stay strong."

    "It's too late, brother." He called back as he pulled rope from his pack and started fashioning a series of loops to strap the bedding to his back. "The hooks are too deep now."

    Ama'bael smiled sweetly to Ael'Que, her bouncing up and kissing his cheek.

    "You are a dear!" She said as she grabbed the rope and pulled herself up. “I’ll help you once you get up here!”

    Ael’Que picked up a twig, him breaking it in half. “Do you hear that? That’s my back thanks to you!” He called up with a smile.

    _Therean and I have a home! My blessings in this land just continue to grow. The location perfect; it is high upon the cliffs well above the fog that Therean is praying to remove. When we open our windows the birds flirt with entering as they curiously gaze about wondering who lives so high up with them now. There is much work to be done, cleaning and restoring the place to what it once was. Ael’Que helped me earlier, though his help came with teasing complaints. I owe him a dinner, which he has promised to collect on within the next couple days… if Therean cooks it. I think I shall still make him dessert…meat and marshmallow pie!

    And yes… I am well aware that is disgusting, but if he is going to tease me, I am going to give him a reason!

    I love our little nest!_


  • In a journal so full of chatter, a simple line is found.

    He really is the dearest person to me in life.

    “So who was on your list?” Therean said as he ran his fingers along her ribs.

    Ama’bael smiled, her softly shaking her head, long blond curls falling around her shoulders.

    “Only you, my love!” She squealed as he tickled her for not answering fast enough.

    “Mhmm… now seriously, who was on your list that you were telling the others about? Who shall protect my beautiful blonde should I accidentally slip off a cliff or take more than a couple hours to find my way back to your side?”

    Ama smiled and shook her head at him again. “No one can replace you. Ever. Though if I had to….” She said with a teasing tone to her voice. “I said it would be General Neverith.”

    “And would you call your new lover, General? Or shall he receive a less formal title?”

    Ama’bael smiled as a faint blush came to her cheeks and she responded with an answer uncustomary of her. “I’d call him anything he wanted me to.”

    Therean’s laugh filled the air around them as he grabbed the blonde and hugged her to him. “Maybe you should spend less time with Jin… I think he is rubbing off on you after an answer like that.”

    “And who is on your list?”

    Therean smiled as he thought about his answer, him always so careful to watch his words. “Well… there is that priestess of Shaundakul whose hair was always blowing about …”

    Ama narrowed her eyes as Therean just smiled wider.

    “Though only one person would ever do.” He said as he gazed down at her.

    She smiled lovingly at him as their eyes met, and she saw the tenderness of the moment in them.

    “Your sister.”

    The fierce strike of her fist to his gut knocked the breath out of him only momentarily before he started laughing. “You are identical twins… it’s like having you there, but not!” He continued as she crossed her arms over her chest and turned her back to him with a huff, her smiling despite her mock annoyance. As he wrapped his arms around her, he kissed the side of her neck, her feeling him smile during it.

    “Ama’bael… look at me.” He whispered as he turned her over in his arms, then place a soft kiss on the end of her nose before pushing her blonde curls behind her ear. “How could I go through life without gazing upon your beautiful face again? Or stare into those blue eyes, so flecked with gold I find myself lost in them? Or running my fingers through blonde hair that is as soft and fine as spun silk? Or see how both the light of the sun and moon seems to shimmer on your golden skin?”

    Ama’bael looked up at him, her tilting her head with a smile. “You are too sweet, my dearest.” She said before striking him in the gut again. “But she is still my sister and you are still in trouble.”

    Therean laughed again as the blonde pushed away, her back to him as she said a few final words in mocking parting.

    “Maybe I can get Jin to 'throw me one' like he has offered Vic and Ardent. I'm on his list, you know…”


  • _Another blessed night has passed with dancing and friends, then some most needed private time with my dearest Therean.

    After a scare in the ogre cave near Peltarch, where dozens of earth elementals attacked us after having sealed up the cave exit, we, Therean, Jin, Makaio, Taurnil, Ardent, Victoria and myself, thought it wise to relax a bit and dance under the moon light and celebrate life in general. Unfortunately this plan was formulated after Romulus had left us, so we were not blessed enough to invite him to joins us and to hear his beautiful music.

    That said, since it was a full moon, it was only proper to honor the Lady of Dance with song and dance. Jin and Ardent, ever prepared, handed out drinks they had stashed in their packs, and Therean and I ended up sharing one of the bottles of elven wine that was gift to me by young Sir Rath so many moons ago. I do not think Victoria or Ardent were so interested in the dancing part, them probably not having been raised around such traditions, however their company was nice and after the dancing was done, the quick dip in the Icelace with everyone was amazing. Freezing, but amazing! It did not take long for all to get their fill of the freezing water and to eventually wander back towards the city… that is except for Therean and myself. We continued to celebrate our blessings well into the next day.

    Even with all the affections, Therean and I managed to find time to sculpt some wind chimes to honor the Winged Mother. Mine crafted of elm wood, and his of copper, their sounds so distinctly different. I knew the perfect spot for them, and Aelthas has said it would be fine. I can not wait to scale the walls there and hang them so that their music may echo throughout the valley. Though truly the most joy I will receive is to see the look on Therean's face when the wind passes through them and he feels from the depths of his heart Aerdrie's presence. There are few things more peaceful and beautiful than seeing him happy and smiling._


  • _Goodness it has been a busy few months! I am happy to report that my life has been filled with adventures and friends that make life worth living, rather than wars and the sadness that comes from losing someone you care deeply for. Blessed I am, and to Corellon I give all the praise for leading me to this land!

    While dearest Therean and the elves of the Shesae are my constant companions, so many new people have crossed my path and I feel blessed to have met them all. That said, two stand out in particular.

    The first one is an elven wizard by the name of Kainoa, whose powers are great and his heart is kind. I admire him in ways I find hard to explain. Suffice to say, while his power is considerable, he is a modest man that sets the needs of others before himself. He is not like most wizards who flaunt their prowess with magic, rather he uses his in a way most conservative. That said, despite his soft spoken voice and his laid back demeanor, he has surprised me with some powerful offensive spells when things have not gone as planned. He once ran up and whacked a kobold as it threatened my life most violently because I was trapped by their mind magic. I think we were both impressed to see the strike take down the beast and shared a good laugh about it.

    The other friend I speak of is a somewhat shy man personally, though I think he is warming up to me. General Neverith, or Sidhion, his elven birth name, recently made his way into my life via a trip to rescue him. Though at that time I knew not who he was, just that he was important to Lycka and since I trust her judgement in these matters, it was my honor to help him. I am not sure I fully understand why he had been captured, and while informations has been offered to me, I have not truly questioned it because I feel it more a matter for city officals than a simple citizen such as myself. I do understand it to be more or less a case of "he knew too much".

    That said, when we had returned to Peltarch he spent the first few months within the Seafarers Hall under the protection of Rath Ashald. I guess Sidhion is lucky he is a man, because if I was given the option to be trapped in a stone, or live with Rath, I am likely to choose the stone. Regardless, I am glad he is now free to walk the city and that those who held him captive will soon be punished. I have to admit that even though I know it is selfish of me, I enjoyed visiting him during his time of hiding and I fear with his soon return to service in the Peltarch military, he will go back to living the life of a soldier dedicated to his work and forget to enjoy the simple things in life such as a nice glass of wine or the shimmer of the moon's reflection over the lake. As long as he will accept my friendship and visitations I shall continue to remind of of those simple pleasures and invite him to join me in the various celebrations we embrace in this land._


  • _It is amazing how a little time can change so much in this land. I can understand how humans and other short lived folks would race to change as much as possible… but when you are blessed with hundreds of years I find it bizarre to be so impatient. To move from one thing to another or from one person to another, not seeming to look back or to slow down and think about the consequences of today’s actions on tomorrow. It is very confusing and honestly heartbreaking for me. However, for now, those thoughts can be pushed away as more joyous news takes precedence.

    I think I may be lucky enough to witness a new life taking it’s first breath. It would seem near a year has passed and Lyda is to give birth at any moment. Therean and I have set up a tent and gathered as many supplies as we can to both help with the birth and to comfort her. Alexi is near too, him being by her side constantly. She needs somebody right now, especially since the father isn’t. I can not say I had the warmest of feelings for Alexi prior to seeing him with Lyda, but now the merchant has gained my affection.

    Therean is beyond excited for her, and it makes my heart leap to see the smile that comes to his lips as he lifts his head in praise to Aerdrie Faenya. The idea of fatherhood seems to make him glow like the brightest sun, his smile and excitement blinding me whenever it is mentioned. For now though, we shall happily spoil our brothers and sisters children until the time is right for us.

    Oh journal, there is so much more I should pen, but the whimpers from the tent seem a bit more insistent than they were before I sat down by the fire. And it also has become hard to focus on writing when a handsome elven man is by my side and stealing kisses every few moments. I promise I shall write more once the baby is born and I am able to peel myself away from Therean.

    An almost impossible task._


  • Forever it has been since I picked up this journal it seems. I have found, life, ever changing, goes on and on whether I write about it or not. But tonight, my mind wanders and I find some comfort in inking my thoughts.

    For now, I try to relax and not think about the pain in my shoulder. Sparring with Baphil hurts… a lot. But such will be over soon, I think. I hope.

    Earlier I sent a letter home. I let Mother and Father know Helin is still in Narfell and that we both miss them. I also mentioned about being elected Coran and finally about Therean before Helin mentions him to them. I imagine now my big brother will soon enough hear about some elven artifact that is legend to be in this land and will pay his dear sisters and their suitors a visit. I can't wait to see him.

    Assuming I survive the challenge laid before me that is.


  • On the next page of the journal, a shaky hands writes one word.

    Disaster.


  • _Oh dear journal, you know I have never been an overly touchy feely girl. Now, that said, I do enjoy the embrace of my family. I loved curling up with my mother and father and merely relaxing while they were so close. I have enjoyed doing this with Therean as well. His arms are warm and comforting when I need them the most; though often it is his soft words of wisdom and affection while he holds me that makes me melt. His embrace is truly like no others and I just adore it. I pray he enjoys doing it despite us not…doing more than that.

    Tonight though, my mind wanders to others, one brother in particular, who seems to need to be held. His heart is so fragile and his spirit so weak, it just distresses me in ways I can not even begin to explain, nor understand. I believe him to be such a good man, yet he speaks so poorly of himself any more. I miss the jokes, I miss the smiles. I also fear I am merely annoying him in his current state in my quest to make him feel better. He responds well to physical contact though. Except the poking from Squeak, who I just wanted to punch in her face for annoying him… though maybe she was doing the best she could to help him in her own seemingly misguided way.

    So…despite my slight awkwardness, I have decided I am going to hug him as much as I can. At least until he tells me to go away. Though, I do not think I will limit it to him. Ael’Que seems so on edge lately too. Troff as well… though I don’t think he would want a hug from me. Regardless, I am going to try to be less stiff in my physical affection around those that are hurting and share it with those that I can._


  • Wrote in beautiful elven script, the below is wrote out and added to the beginning of Ama's journal.

    Litany of Arrows

    Corellon, by Your grace, grant Your Children strength
    To protect our lives, our ways, our freedom.
    The enemy approaches, seeking to destroy us,
    All that we hold dearest and nearest to our hearts.
    You are always with us:
    in the whispering of the wind through the trees
    in the murmuring of the stream over the rocks
    in the roaring of the waves upon the shore
    in the twang of the bow
    in the song of our hearts
    in the longing of our souls;
    be with us now, the Firstborn, Your Children
    as we defend our homes from evil.
    Though violence is our last resort,
    We shall never forget the skills You taught us.
    Be with us now;
    Help us to remember and honor the Gifts You lovingly gave us.
    Let every arrow from drawn bow fly forth
    and pierce the heart of those who would wrong us.
    Let every sword drawn in Your name
    cut down those who would defile Your Children and Your Woods.
    Let every spell drawn in the air
    strike down the soul of evil and strengthen the heart of good.
    Protect us, Corellon, Your Children call to you;
    In this time of danger and darkness, be our guiding light.
    All voices are raised in Your name,
    All hearts quicken in knowing Your love,
    All souls, no matter the course of this battle,
    shall one day return and rest with You.
    Corellon, by Your grace, grant Your Children victory

    Later in the journal another entry is added.

    _Today, I am really missing home. While I generally rejoice in my friends in this land, my mind wanders to thoughts of Evermeet. I pray my parents and grandparents are doing well and that my brother has choosen a mate and is content. I wonder how those in the temple are doing. What they are doing.

    I added the Litany of Arrows that my grandfather and father taught me. I am trying to remember to recite it before battles, and not feel the stinging pain of home sickness that comes with it. Perhaps I should create my own while in this land._


  • _Oh blessed have the days been! The Seldarine festival was just lovely and I believe everybody had a wonderful time. I do hope those in attendance left with their hearts filled with as much love and pride as I did. We are truly blessed to have been born elves!!

    And the days lately have been so bright despite the heavy mist that covers this land. Perhaps it is merely my vision that is bright, but regardless, I am thankful for it. I seem to be meeting more and more elves and our Sword family seems to be growing. I am beyond happy and proud!

    Thank you Father Corellon for your many blessings! This I can not say enough. And thank you for bringing Jin and Valdor to this land. They are truly lovely men whom I feel so blessed to have met. And thank you for letting me get to know Troff. I foolishly judged him harshly when we met, but I now see he is a good soul. He says he can not honor Corellon again, that his prayers go to Lathandar, but I hope one day I can get him to pray with me. That I can teach him that being elven is not a terrible thing, and that our Creator should be honored.

    Oh… and so it is not lost, below is the poem I created for the Seldarine festival. I pray Father Corellon approved of it as I read it to His people in His honor._

    From the blood of war,
    From the blood of the Father,
    From the tears of mercy,
    From the tears of the Mother,
    The Elves were born,
    Life breathed into them.
    From the love of the Seldarine,
    From the breath of the divine,
    and Corellon guides us,
    Lamplight against the dark,
    Protection against loss,
    Creation begetting creation,
    From the blood of war,
    From the blood of the Father,
    The elves were born,
    From their hands,
    From their hearts,
    From the guidance of Corellon,
    They perpetuate art and beauty,
    From what Corellon lost,
    He has guided to give,
    To nurture and to grow,
    Beauty,
    To the eye and heart,
    Peace,
    To the mind and soul,
    From the blood of war,
    From the blood of Corellon,
    From the tears of mercy,
    From the tears of Sehanine,
    The Elves were born,
    Life breathed into them,
    To bring Beauty,
    To bring Peace,
    To bring life,
    Corellon guide us,
    Lamplight against the dark,
    From blood and tears,
    The Elves were born,
    But beauty and life,
    Their gift to give,
    To honor the Father,
    To honor the Mother,
    To honor the Seldarine.

    And the last thing I must say before I close this book…the lilly in his hair was wilting until the other night under the moon and the soft words we shared. Now the flower seems as fresh as the day it was picked. I pray that beautiful symbol never wilts again and it never leaves his hair.


  • _Where do I start?

    Hmm…Brother Meril seems to be missing, Uniel and Ael'Que are completely making me gag and Therean and I had the most awkward date ever (well, for me at least).

    I guess I will just start with Meril. While strolling through the woods the other day, I decided I would pick some of the strawberries I have been tending and take them to Meril as a little surprise. I had hoped if his personal affairs had not changed, then maybe a little sweet treat would have brought a smile to his lips. When I got there, I found him not to be home, so I left them with a little note. Several days later I came back since I tend to run into Meril quite frequently, at least I had over the past few weeks, and I found the bowl was empty (the fey ate his berries and one of them was sleeping in the bowl, her belly swollen) and the note was still where I had left it. I pray he has left to go settle the affairs of his heart or at least to visit his children. He has been so sad lately, surely seeing their youthful smiling faces would be what he needs to jolt himself back into a more cheerful state. I hope he comes back soon, though I mostly hope his heart is warm and content wherever he is.

    Ael'Que and Uniel.... gag. "Love" this, and "love" that... I do not think they remember each others names any more. Not that they need to since it seems they are bonded and may know what the other is going to say before it is said. (I am of course being over dramatic since in all honesty, I am very happy they are together. They both deserve a wonderful life together. ) Ael'Que says he can feel Uniel's hunger. I sometimes wonder if he means the hunger in her belly, or a different kind of hunger. I think it is a different kind of hunger and when he says it, it just makes me blush. I would hope my bonded mate would not speak of my "hungers" to others...unless he literally means I'm hungry. I just don't know. Maybe my mind will change when I find the right one. I am getting the distinct feeling that Uniel and Ael’Que think I may have already found “the right one”.

    And speaking of “the right one"... Therean and I had our first date the other night. I do not think I have ever blushed so much in my life. I was not born with a silver tongue like my twin sister. (Helin has always known how to smile and flirt and to keep men interested. But not I.) As I tried to explain to Therean that I wished to take things slow, I kept saying all the wrong things. I think at one point he was as red as the wine he was drinking and so was I. I came off sounding like I was calling him a womanizing pervert or something. Which I was not! I was just trying to explain that if he wished a woman that was interested in a fast track relationship, I was not the right woman for him. I was so embarrassed. We ended up smoothing things out, but for a while, I was pretty sure he was going to get up and leave.

    Why am I so awkward?!?_


  • _I am so confused.

    I blame love and here is why:

    1.) I received a letter from someone who has admitted to having feelings for me. In it, it is accusatory and makes it sound as if I have lied or mislead them. I do not know how you can mislead someone when you say you are not looking for a relationship. I don't know how much clearer to make it. And yes, I said we could be friends, but my normal friends, even those I am closest to, do not hold my hand or pull me in their laps. I have tried to be kind and not make an issue of it, but it is worrisome because I do not wish to hurt anybody, but their idea of friendship seems vastly different than mine. I am saddened in how to approach such an issue so that both parties walk away in good spirits. Perhaps I am just a stupid girl and there is no way to do such.

    2.) This is not so much a complaint, but something that has weighed on my mind. My dearest friend Ael'Que, though I love him dearly as a brother, is down right dim witted at times. Uniel has gazed upon him with the eyes of love and affection for so long and yet he could not see it. Even I could see it the first time I saw them together. However, his eyes wandered to others who could never truly return his affection, when someone who cared for him so dearly stood by him so close. Today though….I saw them holding hands. My heart fluttered at the sight and I smiled up to Hanali hoping she would bless their hearts always. I guess in time we shall see. a little heart is drawn at the end of the paragraph

    3.) Eluriel is the most confusing elven woman I have ever met. At times I think she gives Squeak and Del a run for who is most chaotic in thought and actions. I saw the look of hurt on Meril's face when she accused him of not being home often enough when we had returned from our hunt. It pained me to see his usual smiling lips lose their curve. I think both Therean and I just stood there feeling a little sorry for Meril as she spoke more and more. Then the next day, I saw her with Sy'wyn (whom I thought was her mate because she seems so happy and cheerful around him, though I also think Meril is at other times....???) and she spoke of how it is better to spend time apart and just cherish what time you are together. So am I to understand you should not spend as much time together, but complain if they are away? It is very confusing. Then after today, her seeming to command Meril to go to the hin wedding... I am even more confused. Was that a fight, or a normal conversation? Maybe she is just making jokes that I do not understand. Or maybe it is just her personality. Or maybe she is just mean. I just don't know.

    4.) And lastly...I too have felt the tingles of attraction washing over me. The desire to give affection, although it scares me something fierce and I swear I do not want it, has called out to me when I see him. I want to keep saying I am not interested in a relationship and do not wish to start down any path that would lead to on. However, when he smiles, I do melt a little._


  • _Oh journal, how I am forcing myself to make time for you today. I want to be out and feeling the cool breeze on my skin and attempting to tame my wild pony Tressa before she tries to bite me again and I have to pop her adorable muzzle. And I want to be back with my friends Therean, Ael’Que, Uniel and Cara. They all make me laugh and smile so much. I suppose the gods are willing I give you attention since it is storming something fierce and all I can do is gaze out the window and stare at the thunder and lightening.

    AND… I think I just saw the dreamy Meril dash by. Though maybe it was just my imagination (blessed one it would be then!). There are not many elves as handsome as him that stroll this land so he is not easy to mistake. I could just sit and look at him all day long and if he sings a song my heart is sent a flutter. a little heart is drawn at the end of this paragraph

    Anyways…everything seems to be progressing nicely for the dance we have planned. We being myself, Therean and Ael’Que. Brother Raryldor had said he would pay for the venture, but I am finding I am enjoying paying for the bulk of it myself. Many of my brethren have stepped up and offered to assist being it helping with the dance, or helping to raise funds for it. This feels more like home to me. I love working with my family. I love feeling close to them and I am hoping that his closeness will always remain.

    I have felt so blessed lately. My friendships seem to be blossoming and a smile is my constant companion. There is one friendship though that I am worried about. Not because anybody has done anything wrong, but just because I am worried at how I should react to what was said to me. He is my dearest friend, and I would not hurt him for all the riches in the land. Things are so perfect right now; I do not want everything to change. And why the boys in this land are so interested in love, I just do not understand._


  • A soft sigh escaped her as she looked down at the small brown bottle, a thick vanilla bean floating in it. The soft sent of warm vanilla filled the air around her as she let out a little sigh. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks as the barest sound of a sniffle filled the air around her, her tipping the bottle and pouring the bulk of its contents on the ground. She stared down at her journal unsure where to start as the clouds hung heavy around her.

    _It has been a terrible few days. First Mark leaves and then I die. I am trying so hard to smile, but it is harder to bring such to my lips. I know this feeling will pass and I know my mind should not linger on such, yet it does. And to top it off, my friends are fighting with one another and I am stuck in the middle hearing everybody's side. All I want to hear is that a mistake was made and forgiveness was issued, yet such has not happened yet.

    I am tired of being sad. I need to think of something beautiful to do to bring me out of this mood._

    The next page…

    _Oh dear journal what news I have!! I have spent the past few days sad and wallowing in pity for myself, for my losses. All of that seems so far away now! So small and so minor. I would just rip out the last entry of my journal from my book, but I want to be able to look back and remember that after all clouds there is sunshine.

    I truly did need to do something beautiful for myself to feel better. Last night brother Therean and I took a trip to Peltarch. We decided to see a play at the college, but nothing was playing, so we went to the Amethyst Feast Hall to see about maybe dancing a little. The musicians there were more than happy to play any melody we wished, so we started with something upbeat. Therean is an amazing dancer! I received so many dips and twirls that within minutes I was panting. I was also laughing and smiling more than I ever have in this land.

    Brother Raryldor joined us shortly after and I suggested that we have a proper elven dance soon so that everybody could feel as light and wonderful as I do. He said he would pay for the expenses if I would plan the affair! Brother Therean has agreed to help me plan it, though it will take more than just us to organize such so I will need to seek additional help. I am so excited I can hardly focus my mind on where to start!

    A gentleman at the feast hall suggested we find a man by the name of Master Chef Pierre Bourgois to cater the event because he is the best in the land. He said he was also an entertainer. All I could think of is how blessed that would be to find a chef and entertainer in one. I just wonder what kind of entertainment he was talking about. The man telling us about him was laughing so hard it leads me to believe the chef may be some sort of comedian. Therean has said he will handle this detail and seek out this master chef. I am excited to find out if we can get his services.

    I simply can not wait until all of this is organized!_


  • _Somethings are for the best they say. I do not know if this was for the best or not. I do not understand what I did wrong. Why anyone would think that I deserve better when we are nothing but equals.

    My friend Mark has left. He didn't say goodbye, just left a note. I do not know if he and I would have become anything relationship wise because he is human and I am elf. But we were friends. Friends don't walk away and merely leave a note. Maybe I don't know what friendship is. Maybe I am merely an idealistic fool, a stupid girl.

    In the note he said he loved me. Why would someone say that in a note, but not in person? Why would someone bother saying that in a goodbye note at all? If love is walking away from someone why would anybody love? My friend Ael'Que has had two women walk away from him that he loved. Maybe it is just the curse of this land.

    I just do not know. I just do not know how feeling this way is for the best._


  • _This will sound silly, but I hope I grow to be old. I just have so much respect for the silver haired folk I have met lately and I pray I have a chance to impart my centuries of wisdom upon the younger elven folk when it comes my turn.

    That said not all of the older generation I have met are elven; Neder is a human woman who collects rocks in her old age. Her silvery hair hangs loose around her face while pale blue eyes peer out from her grey lashes. At points she seems like her mind is not all there, especially when she gets excited seeing a shiny rock…but then other times, she is sharp, whitty. I think her humor is on purpose...but that is the greatest thing about the elderly, you can never tell. Sometimes they are just crazy.

    Then there is brother Rary and brother Andu. Both are kind and gentle in their own rights, but I can see the sparks of fire that lie underneath.

    Andu is so calm and reserved, his voice soft and gentle like the sound of a breeze blowing through the woods. I could listen to him speak for days and never tire of his words of wisdom. However, he always seems to be rediscovering some philosophical thought, as if because of his age, everything should be obvious by now. To hear such makes me smile from the depths of my soul.

    Rary is much the same, but full of adventurous stories of his past. He says his old bones are tired, but there is fire in him still. Though it is more than just a simple fire; he is an inferno if need be. He can move as quick as elven men half his age when Corellon calls him. I suppose that is why he is our Father's choosen. He reminds me much of my very own father.

    I can not wait until I am more settled in and start my book about the great elven men and women that grace this land. Rary has given me enough stories already to make just a volume about what he has saw. I am eager to begin on it and pray I finish before any of my elders are lost. At worst if I do not make it to their age, the history I am collecting and putting in volumes will hopefully live on and honor all those that came before me._


  • A simple journal entry is scribbled in Ama's beautiful leather bound book, the hand writing a bit messy and hurried, but it obviously written by an excited hand.

    I think I have found a piece of the puzzle! Lin will be so excited!

    Further down the writing seems to become clearer, and as if it has been wrote at a later time.

    _I take that back, Lin will not be excited, but I think she will appreciate getting her fallen companion's bow back. I just have to figure out how to gently get it back before Lin sees it and takes matters into her own hands.

    Nobody needs to lose fingers over this._