The Personal Memoirs of Elder Fadia of the Circle
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Flowing espruar script gracefully dances across each page of this large, leather bound journal. Inscribed on the cover is a symbol of three trees, their roots and branches intertwined to form a circle
Day 1
Right, so I went up to Peltarch and actually bought myself a journal. I would make one myself – Mielikki knows I’ve got the skills – but my blessings could be better used on things besides simply indulging my desire to write about my experiences. In any case, it is so delightfully absurd to think that I’m really back after so long. The circle that had been the be-all and end-all of my life has grown, changed, and moved on without me. I am still an elder, but I feel that my words carry far less weight than they would have some years ago.
In a way, it’s nice to see confirmation that the circle is strong enough to get over the loss of one of its oldest and most established members. On the other, however, I don’t like this feeling that I’m not needed. Everyone likes to feel like they’re important in some way, right? Jerrick assures me that I am needed, though. He says the circle needs a face besides his own, and I suppose that makes sense. Is it odd that I would look for advice from my old apprentice? Part of me thinks so, but at the same time it makes me very proud of him, and in a way, of myself.
Speaking of Jerrick, I still haven’t gotten used to seeing him with Tindra. Or Lorelai. Or whatever she calls herself at the moment. I sometimes wonder if Tindra is aware in there, if she’s disappointed in me for not doing more to help her become dominant again. The truth is, I have no idea where to even begin with all of that. I miss her, though, and I likely will until she’s back. I don’t know what to do, and so I simply stay with Lorelai and make sure she’s taking good care of my friend’s body while she’s away. When it comes to it, I think Lorie’s alright. Rith seems to like her, which has to count for something.
I’ve been spending more and more time with Rith, now that I think of it. I really hope it’s not a bother, but I find myself growing very fond of her. We went to some festival in the Silver Valley the other day, and ended up heading to the inn a few hours after for drinks with a few friends. Ronan mentioned seems to think I have some feelings for her, or whatever. For my part, I’m not really sure. He did embarrass the hell out of me when he said it though, the scoundrel. After the other night, though, perhaps he is partially right. I don’t really feel like writing it all down, but…we had too many drinks, and things happened.
When I see her next, I think we'll need to sit down and talk for a while. Recent events have gotten me horribly confused, and dare I say, I was feeling a bit jealous around her and Vash't. Even worse, I don't really think I did anything to hide it. The strangest part of it, though, is that it was towards both of them. I will admit I have a certain…attraction, I suppose, to Vash't. He's been quite intriguing the few times I've met him, and his focus on Rith was a bit unnerving. At the same time, I was hoping for more attention from Rith at Aramuil's party, and…I don't think I deal with these sorts of things as well as I should.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm realizing that, I may be nearly two hundred years old, but that doesn't mean I'm immune from acting like an immature, selfish little child. I suppose talking to Vash't would be a wise decision, but I don't know him nearly as well as Rith, and I just don't feel as comfortable as I would talking to her.
Anyway, right now I just think I’ll focus on recovering from this damn beholder’s eye beam. It’s having some rather unnerving lasting effects, and I’ve lost the immunity to poison that I’d grown so accustomed to. Ah well.
In somewhat better news, it looks like I’ll be having a new companion animal soon. I encountered a pregnant badger a few days ago, and have been checking in on her and her litter near the glenn. I think one of its babies is growing quite attached to me. I must admit, I’ve missed that feeling of having an animal to rely on. Ashura passed away long ago. He was a brave old cat, and a better friend than even many two legged folks I know.
Anyway, my hand is cramping up from all this writing. I think I’ll head to the fuzzy den and see what everyone's up to. Seems like almost all of my friends live there now, anyway.
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Gods, so much has happened that I have yet to write about. I took a trip to Suzail! I've got some notes from that trip that I'll copy into here when I get some spare time. For now, though, things seem to be settling down. There are a few things that are concerning me though:
-The Shesae: For the love of Mielikki, they're beginning to really make me understand why Troff seems to wish he wasn't an elf at all. The arrogance of many of their members is, to be entirely honest, staggering. Yngdir is by far the worst, though he is not the only one. When it comes down to it, I am seriously starting to think that maybe it's time I parted ways with them. The fact that I'm little more than just a number to them has been made all too apparent recently, and I am fairly certain that I would not be missed were I to leave.
-The Phoenix: There are things I want to write but can't, and things I worry to put on parchment even though I doubt it would cause me problems. The gist of things here is that, while I agree with and, to an extent, even love our goals, I've come to feel like things with the order always amount to little more than banging my head against a wall where little if anything ever gets done. It makes me wonder if I couldn't have been just as effective at accomplishing our goals without ever joining.
-The Circle: One almost wonders if we even still exist. I've seen Belia and Whisper twice in passing. And aside from that and one or two protectors who are not fully involved with us, I've not seen nor heard anything in far too long. It's rather disconcerting.
Anyway, that's the rundown of frustrating things with the groups I am involved with.
Meanwhile, things have gotten a bit interesting just recently. Fir'rethsar showed up in Peltarch but a few days ago, apparently trying to get an expedition together to recover a book. I like him. His expeditions usually tend to be dangerous as all hell, but also incredibly interesting. I mean, I've visited abandoned dwarven and elven cities thanks to him, and I can't imagine this next adventure will be any less interesting.
Closer to home, though, I need to find Hess and Whisper sooner rather than later. As best as possible I've tried to keep in touch with them, and I think it may be prudent to give them each a comprehensive evaluation, then look at giving them their tests to join the circle fully as counselors. After that, possibly, we can look at bringing in a few more apprentices. As I said earlier, the circle is in dire straits. It needs new blood, and fast.
There is also some drama between Rith, Thorn, and me…but dammit, I'm tired of drama and don't want to deal with any more.
I think I'll write more later.
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The war is over. We've beaten the shadovar! It was a costly victory, to be sure. Lots of people died. But in the end, we're free of them. We even did so without killing Furlinastis -or- Kesson Rel. That means I can rest that much easier.
There are still things to worry about, however. The dark enchantress showed up, and I think she's possessed Maria. There's got to be some way to find out and to fix it, if that's the case….I just don't know how to go about that. I have research to do, I think.
We've also done the ritual for Tindra. She's now a lovely elf, and Thorn and I have been fawning over her to no end. I think, though, that she already can handle herself fairly well. It's just a matter of time before she learns the strengths and weaknesses of her new body.
Moreover, that ritual gave me an idea. If we can take a piece of one person and split it into another person....can we do the same with other things? My staff is the last piece of wood from the grandfather oaks. Could this same ritual be used to turn it into a whole tree? I wonder. Perhaps it will be worth a shot.
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The run. A ritual I'd never heard of just a year ago, now is something am looking forward to with a mix of fear and anticipation. Oh, if Oreth could see me now! He'd either think I'm crazy, or think it's a great expression of friendship for one so dear to me.
Things have been changing for me. Shifting, to the point that I no longer know where I stand on some issues.
The Shesae: they're resurgent, and growing quickly. It's good to see so many elves being willing to band together like that. But for all that, I think the only reason I even am a part of it is Eluriel. Really, I just get the impression that my company is only barely tolerated whenever I'm around the others. Perhaps it is my faith in Khalreshaar? If I must choose between the shesae and her, then I will always choose her, and I think I've made that abundantly clear. Perhaps both the shesae and I would be better served by my leaving? I will have to think on that.
The Phoenix: I am nervous about putting my doubts to paper here, at risk of breaking my oaths. Some of what has been suggested has been horribly troubling to me. There are courses of action that I will never condone, prices too high to pay no matter what we would get in return. In some ways, I hate what I see from this order now, and I start to wonder if maybe Eluriel wasn't right when we talked just after I joined them.
Once this shadovar stuff dies down…I really need to sit back and think long and hard about whether I truly belong in these organizations. As for now, though, I think I'm feeling rather disheartened with them at present.
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I have not written much lately. Things have been moving so fast, I can barely keep up. I won't write down our plans here, though. Things are far too chaotic and the chance that I could lose this journal is far too great.
What I will say is this: Val is back with us, at least for now. The shadovar are not happy about this. To the point that they sent an assassin after her. Or after us. I don't rightly know, though he seemed to focus his attacks on me.
What is certain in all of this is that both sides are getting desperate. I try to keep a brave face up for the people who need to do the fighting, but the truth is that I really have no idea how this fight will turn out.
For all I know, we could all be dead within a tenday.
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Going to the woods to chase shadows. Not only shadovar, but shadows of the past as well. My forest will not be taken over while I still breathe.
If something happens, give this book to scribbles frantically
Give this to Jerrick if I pass.
May Mielikki guide my steps.
As time progresses after this page is written, those shown Fadia's journal IC would note that beginning from the first page, each page looks as if it's been treated with some liquid which was then allowed to dry.
May my words bring warmth to your soul, and purge all doubt.
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And war is upon us once again. Not with the hoarans, whose increasingly belligerent actions would have suggested that they would be the likely candidates to instigate the next one. Rather, it is with the shadovar, who wish to add Norwick and the Rawlins to their realm. Their attacks are, to put it bluntly, brutal. I watched Thorn and Whisper fall to them quickly. Of all those who could've fallen, why those two? Those bastards hurt two of the people closest to me who were there, that day. At least Eluriel and Caelisar were unharmed.
As I have often said when the specter of war was looming over Narfell, "I don't want a war, but I will not refuse one either." I hate fighting, I hate violence. I will not, however, sit by and let my home be overtaken by such unnatural creatures as these shades. Narfell will remain free.
Moreover, I think that it won't be long before Peltarch is dragged into this too. I have heard that the shadovar caused quite a commotion in the commons a few days before the attack. The hoarans too, have had trouble with them. They are dangerous, destructive, and rotten to the core, but they may end up uniting Narfell more than anyone could have imagined.
I hope that is what happens.
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Jenni and Jonni are alive. Alive! This has probably been the best, weirdest news I've had in the past few tendays. Tindy and I figure that it must be a reincarnation spell or something. I mean, they looked like children again. Or rather, Jenni looked like a teenager, and Jonni like a child. As for what they have to talk about….I think I have some idea. I got a list of things that Jonathan has come into possession of recently, and I worry that it is one of those.
Whatever their reasons for coming back are, I am thrilled to see them. My oath is still valid, and I will protect them with my life if I have to.
Speaking of Jonathan, it seems that war is brewing with the hoarans. They are striking out from their camp, attacking travelers at will. This is going to get very ugly, very soon. I don't want to see us going to war with them, but I wouldn't refuse a war against them if it's forced on me. There are paths through the woods that they could take to move south undetected by those of us around Norwick. I should likely see what can be done to remove their access to such things. Perhaps some of my friends will help me in that regard.
I'd love to take a trip with some woodsy folks, after all.
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The following is written in big, scribbly letters!
I AM A FOOLISH, FOOLISH ELF
_on the next page, our faddy resumes writing normally[/i
I really, really need to know when to stop. Really, I do.
When did I get this dumb? Really, when? I wasn't always like this.
Now, I seem to do nothing besides get people angry at me. I'm sick and tired of it, dammit!
From here on out, I think I'm just not even going to try any more. If I see Thorn? I will simply say "Hello, brother", and be on my merry way. If I see my sisters? Perhaps I will say a bit more to them.
People seem happier to have me around when I don't talk to them as much, so that is exactly what I shall do.
Anyway, in happier news, Rith has returned, and my family is back to normal now. That silly woman thought leaving would make things better! She hasn't told me exactly why she left, but I think I can guess. She's easier to read than she realizes, after all.
I ended up going to that dance after all. Ronan and Aelthas helped get me in a much better mood than I had been in, after pissing off Thorn (again) and seeing Eluriel and Meril continuing their problems. I think they started to work through those, too. I saw them dancing!
I have also discovered that I do enjoy dancing. I am not good at it at all! I do enjoy being twirled and dipped, though. I didn't expect that to be so much fun!
Anyway, journal, I feel like I have been far too depressing to you, of late. I shall make sure that the next entry is full of fun and mischief and adventure!_
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My own sister, my best friend….gone.
What happened? Why did she do this?
Gods, Rith, if you only knew how much it's killing us to not see you....well...I don't know what you'd do, but I'd be shocked if it didn't change the way you see things.
A sister doesn't do these things to her family. Not if she loves them like we all supposedly do each other.
I don't know what to think.
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What kind of person am I?
I preach the virtues of the natural world, of living in harmony with it - and yet, I all but live in a city.
I say that my extended family, within the circle and without, are the driving force in my life - yet more than anything, I desire the love of a man bound to one of my sisters.
I am a member of an order that promotes the highest, most good-hearted ideals - yet I also am a member of a circle which counts disciples of the furies amongst its members.
I am petty, selfish, and vain. All things I do, I do to get my way regardless whatever I say to the contrary. I am a horrible friend, a terrible sister, and a positively awful lover.
There is no reason anyone should even consider liking me, and yet my sisters (and Thorn) do. And I repay them with all of my worst qualities.
When did I become this way? I was not always so. Something has to have changed, somewhere, at some time. All I know is that I can only blame myself.
I must be better, for all of them.
And for myself.
May Mielikki guide my actions.
the next few pages are either torn out or covered in scribbles
I should give up.
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Ugh, and here I thought things would quiet down in Peltarch. Undead attacks, nasty evil things blocking my scrying, and murdered babies? Why can't Narfell ever just be nice? Even worse, it made me watch. I don't think I'll ever get that image out of my head. It was….horrible.
a few scribbles here and there, obviously crossing out the beginnings of sentences. These carry on for a good while, about as long as a paragraph
Right. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. I got some time alone with Thorn the other day. He is very, very dear to me. Much more than just a friend, to be honest. He and I have an agreement that he will have time to wait for Adriell, or to try and move past her leaving and keeping him from feeling their bond. I think he feels awkward around me, though. He seems to always want to be with others. While I try not to mind, the truth of the matter is that I do get a bit jealous over this.
The babies came too. Two bright, beautiful little kittens: Elaine and Leena. Gods, they're adorable. Well, I'm assuming Leena is, as I've only seen Elaine. But…well, they're identical! So Leena must be adorable too. They've both got their father's red hair, which has me worried. Given what they say about redheads, I bet Lorie and Jerrick will have their hands full!
News isn't all good, though. There's this positively terrible business with Meril and Eluriel. I'd rather not get too into it here, but gods…I never thought I'd see the day that this all happens like this. They seemed so perfect together! What in Mielikki's name is happening? I will admit to having been very angry at Meril at first, but Thorn talked me down from that. Now, instead, I simply find it all to be very tragic.
Ah well. I think I'll leave this entry as it is, for now. I have work to do, people to contact, and investigations to run in Peltarch on this undead business.
Gods, I want some time to relax.
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Gods, what a trip.
I can't remember the last time I shot that many arrows in one outing, but it can't have been within the last twenty years or so.
We decided to find one of those icy necklaces in the cold caves, the ones that show up there every so often, and give it to Albry. It was difficult going right from the beginning, and we were really stretching our resources thin just keeping everyone healthy enough to walk. We fought our way through, me making few contributions as usual, until the very bottom of those damn caves.
That's when it all went nuts.
We fought our way into that big chamber at the bottom. Troff was badly injured, Rith's healing magic was almost out, Albry was doing all she could just to stay alive, and my own spells were more or less used up.
Wouldn't you know it? Right then is when we get attacked from behind by a positively massive force of ogres. What a frenetic fight! Rith found a necklace for Albry, grabbed it, and yelled for us to get out. It was at this moment that Mielikki began to guide my hand as I shot. While before, I would hit those ogres in places where they could just shrug off the damage, now, my arrows found weak spots regularly. Where before, an arrow would've been a flesh wound, now blood spurted out after each hit.
It was not my hand, but Mielikki's, that fired those arrows. And due to her and Lathander's providence, we carried the day. Even as we faced swarms of undead ogres and gnolls, they could do prevent our escape.
I do love it when an adventure goes so well.
Anyway, that is not my only news. My friend Ama tells me that there is to be a dance to honor the Seldarine outside of Peltarch. A dance! I'm trying to convince Thorn to be my date for it, but he doesn't seem to have any interest in dancing. I wonder who else I could go with? I do not know many other men, at least not many elven ones who I would want to go with. There is Meril, of course, but he will likely want to go with Eluriel.
Decisions, decisions! At least it is something fun to be looking forward to, and not something to be worried about!
Though there is this business with Rith that I'm a bit worried about….but that's out of my hands!
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So much has happened lately that I have not found time to write much at all, save my one bit of doom and gloom on the previous page.
There are things that I have held back on committing to paper, things that have bothered me tremendously and still, in some way, are influencing me.
~Tindra and Lorelai: Having Tindra back is one of the very best things that has happened to me since returning. She had always been one of my very best friends, and I have missed her dearly. I am, however, rather disturbed to have learned just what Lorie put her through to come to the surface. When I first learned of the change, she told me that she did not know how it occurred…and to find out that not only did she know, but that it was putting Tindra through absolute hell, was quite horrifying.
~Thorn: Telling him how I felt only made his situation worse. I love that elf in ways I can't even put into words. The thought of what I did to him by telling him is absolutely horrible. I wish I hadn't even said anything.
~Sisters: My "sisters", as I like to call them, currently stand at five: Tindra, Lorelai, Rith, Val, and Lune. They mean the world to me, but I think I am wearing on them. While I don't want to do it, really, I think I should take some time away from them. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Rith in particular, I think, is annoyed at my presence. Perhaps I'll go to lake Immilmar, I've always wanted to see it but have never made my way there. It's not that far, either. Now likely isn't the best time to do that, though, because of…
~Peltarch: They want to build an open cut mine. I don't think I even need to write down why I think that's a bad thing. Hopefully Marty and Aliah are wrong, and it won't be as bad as they say. I'm not going to hold my breath, though. I'll have to talk to some of my friends up there about it.
~Babies: So many of them coming into my life, now. Athelstan, Lorelai's twins…Perhaps I'll make money on the side as a nanny! Children seem to be becoming a theme for me. I've even decided to help as a teacher at Havon's school, should it become a reality. In any event, with all these little ones about, I have a feeling I'm going to be having to do a hell of a job keeping my friends and their families safe. I hope I'm up to the task, but the thought of that keeps me up at night.
And so that is it. The things that are eating away at me.
And here I was, thinking things would calm down once we went to other-Peltarch and banished misfortune.
I'll write more later.
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To those i love
Thorn: I love you. I wish things had been different with Adriell. What we have had together has been nothing but joyful. Remember me, and remember that I loved you in ays I couldn't bring myself to love others.
Rith, Lune, and Tindra: Your friendship has been my greatest joy since returning. I would have followed you anywhere in defense of what we know is right. You are my sisters, and it thrills me to know that my last months were spent in your company.
Eluriel: <e>You were my friend since I was a pup, and I would have given anything to see you return to the circle. While we have often had differences of opinion, your friendship to me has meant more to me than you will ever know.
Sy'wyn: I wish we had been closer, but your voice of reason is always welcomed. I wish I had listened more to it.
Jerrick: Take care of the baby, and mind what I taught you. Remember that, as my greatest pupil, I live on in your actions. I trust you to continue to make me proud.
These are my last words. I go to end the Maid of Misfortune's plans for Peltarch. If I do not return, these words are to be read as my memorial.
~Fadia Nailo
Her journal is left in her room at the fuzzy den, lying open to this page</e>
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There is a feeling I get, when involved in some great, years-long quest like this business with the echoes. It comes right at the moment where everything seems to be coming into sharp focus, and I know that we are nearing that great day of reckoning when we will no longer simply be taking each others pawns, and begin seriously looking at how to get each other into check.
I believe that day is coming, sooner rather than later. I may be wrong on many things in my opinion of what is going on, but I now know that, at the least, I am barking up the right tree. That alone is something. Before, it was all blind theorizing on what might be at play. No longer.
Several things seemed to be confirmed in my last trip to the "past".
-There is more to these trips than appears at first blush
-Our foes do not seem to be the only powers at play. When it became clear that our battle was hopeless, we were whisked from the plane.
-I and my friends are now, as Lune put it, "on someone's list of people who know too much".
Through the grace of Mielikki, I will not let Peltarch turn into another Jiyyd. First, I need to speak to some of my Oscuran contacts. I hate the thought of going to that city, but I think there are things that I will learn there, which I could learn nowhere else. At least, nowhere else in Narfell.
Lune and Val have been invaluable resources in all of this. Lune herself may still be a greenhorn adventurer, but she has a remarkable mind and has given our group direction when others of us were lost in speculation. Val has done the same, giving us vital information which we could not have gotten elsewhere. She has poured her heart and soul into all of this, and I do not think that those of us who are "in the know" would be anywhere near that without her work collecting and organizing information.
In any event, this is all beginning to come together. May it be for some far better end than what our foes want.
For my part, I need to go find Eluriel.
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I have not written in several months, which I deeply regret. I have been so deep in research that I have forgotten the simple pleasure that this time of reflection can bring to me. I am especially glad to have found the time to write now, as I have so very much to reflect upon.
My disapproval of the circle's devotees of the furies is, shall we say, well known. Even within the circle, among those very elders who follow Malar, or Talos, it is no secret that I have not held them in high regard. I cannot say that I trust them, still, however I have been out of line since coming back. What's worse, I have also been out of balance.
The echo that Lorie told me about, from the glenn, was the first time I had any real indication of that. The Defiler, as an apprentice, maintaining views very much like my own. A young man, but full of righteous indignation at the very thought of associating with druids who follow the furies. I agreed wholeheartedly, even enthusiastically, with everything he said. And then, I heard his name.
It was on hearing that story that the first seeds of doubt crept in. "Am I becoming like him?", I wondered. "Is this the path I am following?" I have been assured that it was his lust for power, not his fervor, that led to his fall. Yet the two can be intertwined so very closely. Lorie doesn't understand, I think, but I know that lust for power is within me, too. Why else would I have rushed to take that last shard in Myth Revain? And worse, it's been all bound up with a desire to see what I percieved as Mielikki's will, done.
I haven't told anyone this, but I have been preparing for the day that those darker members of my circle eventually betray us. I have scrolls, and other things, ready to be used against them at the first sign that they mean ill.
What is the reason for stockpiling those, if not lust for power? Power to defend my friends, surely, but power none the less.
I suppose that my point is that I have been wrong, since returning. My resolve to see my family "saved" has only been leading me towards something far darker than elders Harggaku or Bonegnasher. I think that I finally understand why people say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
I suppose I should be thankful for these echoes. One of them led me to my first inkling that something was very wrong with me, and my desire to understand them further led to something far more meaningful.
I have met Mielikki herself.
To meet her, though, I first had to come to terms with the circle as it is, now. We guard something far greater than abstract concepts of "good" and "evil", greater even than the much more tangible Rawlinswood. The goal of our circle, and of every other circle on Toril, is to safeguard the very system of the world. The same system whose destabilization led to the avatar crisis so many years ago, the same system that governs what each god has power over, the same system that allows Mielikki to exist at all.
I still will not give our less than savory members my full trust, but it seems to me that they are necessary. I don't like them, but I will defend them as members of this family.
As far as other events are concerned, it seems that **Eluriel** and I are now targets of the hoarans. We were part of an expedition to the gnoll lands to see if we could find cherry wood, or perhaps cherry flavored gnolls. All through the trip, we noticed an eastlander scout following our every move. Eventually, we were approached, condescended to, and had tribute demanded from us. We refused, of course, and found our path back home beset with traps and blockades. Quite amusing, really. Speaking of the eastlanders, I have learned a curious bit of information about their takeover of the camp. It seems that Will and Raver were central to it. I always liked Will. I hope this isn't true. If it is, I'll have to kill him the next time I see him. Even if the romani are gone, my oath still means something to me. I generally wouldn't wish ill on anybody, but I'm starting to think that maybe rushing into the old camp and giving the eastlanders the same treatment N'jast gave Jiyyd isn't such a bad idea. **Liisa** will likely have a fit if I tell her. I'd only just recently talked her down from exploring the camp. Any of that will have to wait, though. I'm neck deep in research on these visions, and all the people, places, and things that go with them. Research which I should really be getting back to. I'll write more once I've learned more.
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A Family of Others
When I have trouble concentrating on getting into reverie, I should just shift into a lion. It's so much easier that way.
Anyway.
Rith, Lorie, Lune. Adriell, Eluriel. Of all of my relationships, these are the ones that, when push comes to shove, I choose over others.
There is no sense denying it, no sense acting like all things are equal. They are as close as family to me, and while they are not the only ones about whom I could say that, they are the ones who reciprocate. Perhaps I'm being a dick about things, but to me that deserves special treatment.
Even when we disagree, as Adri and Eluriel seem to with me on the Phoenix, I don't think there is any ill intent. As Eluriel said when questioning me over them, her goal was to understand why I made the choice that I did.
Well, perhaps "ill intent" is too strong a phrase. "Judgementality" perhaps? I am not sure that is a word.
I don't really feel comfortable writing about the phoenix, here or elsewhere. Hells, I'm still learning what I can and can't talk about. I wish there was something I could say, some way to reassure them that I did not leap blindly into all of this.
In any case, I must talk with them again, I think, to try and calm any nerves that may have been frayed in our last talk on the subject.
There are other things I would write about, but….I would think more on them before I put my thoughts to parchment.
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Never a Dull Moment
It's always something, isn't it?
Life has just been one bit of drama after another, lately, and I haven't been in much of a mood to write. Adriell and Thorn are soulbound now. Yay for them? I really should be happier for my sister. She's always been one of my dearest friends, and this is something that has made her truly happy. The truth is, though, that I'd been having feelings for Thorn for a while, and seeing that opportunity just pass me by left me understandably depressed.
As hard as I've taken it, though, Troff seems to have taken it much, much harder. He'd been involved with Adriell for a while, and this came as something of a shock to him. Well…I'll be honest, "shock" is putting it lightly. He's more or less fallen apart over it. He was always friendly to me, and I feel bad about seeing him like that. However, the way he's reacting is unhealthy to say the least. I'd be lying if I said I thought it was unreasonable to be torn up over something like that, but seriously. Oreth leaving left me devastated, but I didn't obsess over him.
Then there's this business with Aelthas. He'll always be that little infant I held in the camp, to me. That's why it threw me for such a loop when he stopped talking to me all of a sudden a few tendays back. Adriell and Thorn tell me he felt neglected, that I'd been spending so much time with Rith that I had been wildly inconsiderate to my other friends.
I can see where they're coming from, really, and I've already been trying to remedy that. However, I had been going out of my way to spend time with Aelthas since coming back, and still find myself met with….this. He's very dear to me, and likely always will be, but each time I see him I find it harder and harder to avoid pointing out that he's acting nowhere near as mature than the children he's had with Lycka. He's family, but at this point I'm not sure he's worth all this. I'll keep trying, though. I told him I would.
Speaking of spending less time with her, Rith got it into her head that Lorie and I need her help to maintain our other friendships, and decided to start distancing herself from us. It's something I've noticed, lately, but she seems to treat me as if I'm some sort of…child, I suppose. Despite the fact that I'm twice her age. For example, we had an issue with a large fire threatening the woods just south of the gate. I ran to it, of course, ready to cast a quench spell to get things taken care of quickly, yet there she was, calling me back, telling me to let Ronan take care of it.
Ronan's no druid, dammit, and as far as I'm concerned he can kiss my ass.
Even one of the few good things about these past few tendays has brought me a bit of drama. I'm thrilled to have joined the Phoenix Guild, but having Eluriel grill me on it tries my patience.
There is, however, the matter of Lune. She's quickly managed to become the fourth member of the Troublesome Trio, turning it into a Fearsome Foursome. She's a priestess of Lurue, so perhaps it's natural that I would get so close to her so quickly, but either way…I'm quite happy about it.
Anyway, Fight Night is over, Lorie and Rith are snoring away behind me, and I'm sitting here awake because…dammit, I'm an elf. I don't sleep. I'll try for a bit of reverie, though, before they wake up. Maybe when I get up, I'll write a bit more. I don't really know.
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Untitled Entry
Perhaps my language was too harsh in my last entry. I do still care deeply for the circle. It's only natural to! I've been a member for a long time even by elven standards. That's not the kind of commitment one idly tosses aside.
Whether the furies are a part of it or no, the fact of the matter is that the circle does an awful lot of good for the region. People often point to the presence of large numbers of goblins and bugbear as a sign that the circle doesn't really do anything substantial in the forest, but they fail to realize that without us, those numbers would have swelled past the point where their raids on Norwick can be easily repulsed. I understand the frustration that occasionally arises, but the fact of the matter is that we do strike out against them. Ours is a small family, but one who knows how to do its duty to this forest.
Now, however, we have an opportunity to attack them where it hurts. Ronan, Eluriel, Rith, and myself managed to locate the forge where, we believe, the bugbears' weapons are created. If we can eliminate that, then perhaps we could strike a blow to bugbears that, for a while at least, will be crippling. It will be heavily defended however. If a large group moves against it, it will draw attention and extra guards. I think, however, that we can make a difference with this.
It's worthwhile to try, at any rate.
Kara Willendt has returned again. It is good to see her, after all these years. I have so much to talk to her about, and so little time! There is still Solais's work to do. Work which, I have been told, will be key to cleansing the demons from Jiyyd. I also must speak with her about those chaos spirits, and Sarah….
But that is for another day. For now, I am preparing to finally move to regain a piece of the stone Solais made. We have a large, skilled group prepared to set out in a few days to retrieve it, and I for one am thrilled to be taking action instead of simply talking about it. From the sound of things, we might even end up fighting yuan-ti to retrieve it. If so, all the better. They may be dangerous, but each one of them killed is another reason for me to rest easier during my reverie.
It's distressing to think that the circle, as it is now, would likely find their activities acceptable to an extent. When I was archdruid, we did things as Mielikki intends: tend to the all too delicate balance of nature and civilzation, and give no quarter to evil wherever we find it. As it is now, though, the circle's position would likely be to accept the yuan-ti as part of the necessary balance of things in the region. It makes me sick.
When we venture out in the coming days, I will be doing so with the knowledge that I am doing Mielikki's work, work that I swore oaths to always put ahead of even my own life. Other mielikkians in the circle may have forgotten that, but I never will.
Mielikki, guide your servant down the path you choose, whether it be safe or not.
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Untitled Entry
I hate this constantly feeling like I'm just some extraneous piece of equipment people keep bringing along without needing it. I go along with groups of people, yet my contributions never fail to be strictly average. No more, sometimes much less. I get romantically involved with someone, then find that they've got someone else who has come into their life and that my services are no longer required. I'm beginning to wonder why it is that I came back in the first place.
Now, we can add to that that I'm on the verge of completely giving up on the circle. I do not wish to violently force our less goodly elders out of there, but it seems that will be the only way to accomplish anything.
It's like everything that has consumed me since I returned is just collapsing around me, and I don't see any way out.
Steelfin is returning, though. I would be lying if I didn't admit to having some fascination with him, though circumstances when he was first in this region prevented me from addressing that. Perhaps now, he can give me some diversion from all of this.
Gods, I hate this. Whenever I write about these things, I feel sulky and overly dramatic, like some daft child whose problems seem infinitely more serious than they really are. Back when I was an apprentice, I would often threaten to leave the circle in order to get what I wanted. I was simply being bratty and impertinent then, but now I am seriously considering doing so to found another, better circle. One free of the furies.
Eluriel would like that, I know. Rith too. I don't want to alienate the druids who I am already close to, however. I care about them, even as I disagree vehemently with them.
I just don't know what to do, now.
May Mielikki guide me down the path of her choosing, not mine.
