3. The Journal of Elilian

The Journal of Elilian


  • It appears as if the writer tapped the quill tip against the first page of the small book repeatedly in the top left corner.

    I haven't written in a journal for awhile. I think this is my first in a few years. I used to write so much. Almost daily. Bringing me to…what? Seven journals that I keep with me at all times? I'm terrible at keeping proper paragraphs. I don't think I should worry about that, though...

    --->Insert angry sigh here. <--- Lots of things are getting to me. One is Rary's attitude lately, two is Crux being obviously interested in Thorn...and maybe him even being interested in that -
    The rest of the paragraph is scribbled out.

    I shouldn't be jealous, or angry, or whatever this feeling is. If Thorn likes her, fine. I just hope he doesn't get hurt again like he did by that b-…by that other girl. Amywen. Maybe I'm more protective over him than I ever thought? Maybe I'll talk to him about it. But...maybe it's not my place to say anything. How do I get advice for something like this when the person I usually go to for advice is the one who's involved?

    Rary. He's been acting weird. I remember him and Kainoa showing me that really gorgeous necklace and I think I saw it around Rary's neck. Maybe it's been changing his mood? His eating habbits? He's thinner. He was sleeping. Actually sleeping...and drenched in sweat. I worry about him. I guess he's like the closest thing I have to a father. But I can't ask him about it. Even when I mentioned that the necklace looked shiny he almost drew his sword. At me. Maybe I should talk to Thorn about that.

    Swirls cover a lines worth of writing.

    Maybe next time I write, it'll be on happier subjects. Good things.


  • I've been gone for about a year now. Toshiro has been helping me practice with kamas daily. He's shown me a lot and I'm hoping to bring it all back with me when I get home. Who knows? Maybe I can even beat Thorn in a spar now.

    I didn't end up staying in Maoling or Sentai long. In fact…I only really spent a day in each. I kept travelling around Shou Lung with Toshiro. We've become really good friends. Sometimes he tells me he worries about my weight, but since the last time I wrote..I've gained some weight back. Never again, though, will I be as busty as I was before. Heh.

    I'm too excited to keep writing. I'm getting closer to home every day...I'll probably be back within a few months now. I really hope everyone takes me back... I just know that things won't be the same, though.

    I'm going to try my best to be the Eli I was before the drugs. Fun, happy, always in good company...

    I j-------------

    Scribbles cut out the rest of the sentence.

    We'll see. Overall…I'm coming home.


  • I've been thinking about the box I sent awhile ago. The box of letters for everyone. The people who I called friends, the people who I called family, even to a few people who might not consider me that in return…I still sent letters to. I'm hoping that Thorn will distribute the letters like I asked in the one I sent him. Even if he doesn't, I'm glad that I sent them.

    I ended up travelling with another on the Golden Way. His name is Toshiro; it means talented and intelligent. Turns out his fighting style is to use kamas, like Thorn, like me. While we were headed to Shou Lung I told him my story, and in return he told me his. Despite not trusting my friends and family at all..I really took what he, a stranger, said to heart. Maybe it's because he knew practically nothing about me, and I was open to his point of view. It's not like someone I've never seen in my hundred something years would lie to me...he had no reason to. He helped me understand a lot and see things differently. Toshiro is also the one who suggested I write and send the letters. I truly am thankful for meeting Toshiro.

    Letters. Messages of mine that have been sent. Most of them are apologies, some of them are thanks. I let Thorn know where he could send any letters to if people want to send them back to me. I'm sorry about everything I've done. How I treated everyone, how I treated myself... I'm not sorry that I left, though. I needed to; I'm glad I did.

    Lots more has happened, but I'll write later.


  • My body's become accustomed to eating less. I haven't gained any weight, and I'm not about to waste my energy on hunting more than what I need. I haven't had to rely on myself for survival like this in years, but it's all coming back to me quickly. I'll be used to it soon enough.

    When I first left, I hadn't thought about how I would end up in Kara Tur. I just knew that I would get there. I'll continue to head South through the Forest of Lethyr and on to Thesk. Once I reach Thesk, I'll stop in Phsant. From Phsant, I'll be taking The Golden Way to Kara Tur.

    Shou Lung is where I'll be in Kara Tur. I'll keep a civil tongue and try to stay out of trouble. Finally, I've decided to either stay in Sentai or Maoling. Maybe split the time I intend to stay in Kara Tur half and half between the two. I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it all turns out.

    I've lost the sense of respect and honour I was taught when I spent time there last. I hope to straighten my life out and return to my family as a better person. There's alot that I don't really understand right now, and I'm going to figure it out by myself. When I come back home, I will be a new Eli. A better Eli. The Eli I was before I came to Narfell, and after I left slavery. I will be Taena, and I will be Elilian.


  • My white lies were caught, and seen as black as the darkest of nights. They all took it so badly that they put me in a cell in the barracks. Confined, freedom taken from me. Again. I refused to eat, hoping they would either let me out of the cold, dark space or that I would die and no longer have to suffer. There's a reason I've always followed the laws, so I wouldn't end up in a place that haunts me, that eats away at my sanity.

    I'm sickly thin. I can see it; I can feel it. I can almost wrap my hand around my thigh at this point. A few of my ribs and my spine protrude through my skin, and my chest has become much smaller. Walking is difficult, because I'm so weak, but I intend to get to my destination.

    Kara Tur is where I plan to go. I was there once before, spent years learning the culture, language, and writing. Most people were polite to me, and I even made a few friends. Those friends are probably gone now, however, considering how long it's been since I was last there. A new start, a get away, a place to think.

    I left everyone behind. My children, my fiance, the people I used to consider friends and family. I'm not fit to be a mother any longer; I've ruined my life with the help of others and would be a bad influence on them. I doubt if my fiance will still want me when I return, seeing as I left without a proper goodbye. Friends and family; how can I forgive them when they trapped me in that place and did nothing to set me free? It was for the best.

    Heading South now for the rest of the day. I want to reach the border soon and leave Faerun. At least for a little while.


  • Pixie dust.

    It's on my mind constantly. I love the rush it gives me, the way it makes me feel. I noticed that when I don't use it I start feeling like total shit. Addiction? Maybe. Most likely. But I don't think I really care. It's not like I'm paying for it and so far nothing bad has come out of it…so what's the point in stopping, right?

    I walked in on Thorn and Crux sleeping together. Well...they were awake...but they were still in the bed. Yes, clothed. Anyway...I found myself feeling jealous of all the attention she gets from him. As soon as Crux shows up, our conversations stop and we greet her and start talking about something new. Or I stop talking because I'm no longer in the conversation. I know I said I wanted to get along with her, and I still do. But she's making this really farking difficult for me.

    Anyway...Caelian said he could get me more pixie dust. I told him it was for some magey thing for Aramuil. I've been lying to a lot of people, but they're just little white lies.

    Bits of fey dust are scattered over the page.


  • I read through my journal today. I noticed that most of the things I write about aren't really happy. I actually write about most of the bad things that happen. I'm ashamed of some of the things I wrote. Of some of the things I had to scribble out because they were so rude.

    I realize now how badly I've been treating Crux. Mostly indirectly…but that doesn't make it right. Even the way I talk to her is rude. I guess the way I've been talking to most people lately has been pretty bad. Even sometimes to Thorn. Need to stay on topic, though. Crux is Thorn's girlfriend, apparently. I need to learn to accept that. I want to accept it. But it's like every time she's around I turn into some monster who only wants to drive her away. I think that maybe I need to spend some time with her. Without Thorn. Without everyone else. And no, not to try to pound her face in. But to try to get used to being around her more and maybe even see if we have something in common. I hope I can stay away from the monster within for long enough to drag her away somewhere. Maybe the baths or something. Always in a good mood there.

    Calen's back. He's hurt really badly. I did my best to help him see that he's not alone and that Wyatt will always be with him no matter what. He's staying with Caelian and I for awhile. I'm not sure how long…but we don't mind him staying. The kids still like him. Angel is taking a liking to him now, too. Sometimes I think about what he told me; and I can't help but cry. I almost lost Tahl'lian once and even though I have him now, I never want to go through that again. Losing any of my children for good and I don't know what I'd do. I wonder if Calen or Caelian ever hears me crying. I hope not.

    I'm still waiting for the trip to come to an end, when I can go back up the hill instead of slowly tumbling down.


  • I haven't written in forever. Well…not forever, but you know.

    Val made Thorn, Caling, Noah, and I pancakes at the College. Things were great! Kinda funny...practically the entire time Thorn and Noah were drooling over Caling in her new pajamas. I have to admit, they are really cute.

    Caling and I ran around the College in costume to freak out the guys. I was the holy knight, and she was the evil knight. We got them good, I think. Except...our guy voices weren't really manly.

    We all dressed up and went on stage for a bit, too. ...Everyone got the crap beaten out of them. Not litterally, of course. But it was still fun! After we were done, we all went back to my room.

    Now...we didn't do anything naughty like I bet all the other bards think. Thorn fixed us all up from the beatings we gave each other and then I fell asleep with Thorn on one side of the bed and Caling on the other...while Noah sat in the corner.

    We were all still wearing our jammies, and boy did I ever fall asleep fast! I had the nightmare again, though. Thorn woke me up when he realized it and I accidentally kicked him in the goodies and screamed. He was okay though...after awhile. As soon as I saw his face I started crying. Not because he was in pain, but because he's always in the nightmare.

    The dream scared me pretty badly, and when I was crying Thorn told Caling and Noah to leave. I truly am thankful for Thorn. He always seems to be there when I need him most. When he recovered from the kick, he held me in his arms and got me to explain everything. I don't want to write about the dream, because it's not something I want to read about sometime in the future..but I did tell him briefly of what happened. He told me that whenever I have the nightmare, I shouldn't have to worry because all of my closest friends, and him and Caelian would never let me do what I did in the nightmare. ..And that he'd always be there for me when I needed him.

    Thorn stayed with me for a few days in my room at the College after the nightmare. We talked about the strangest things and the time passed quickly. 'A hin's imagination', he says he has. I think I agree.

    Anyway...that's all I have to write about for now.


  • A roughly drawn picture of four elves and a human takes up half the page…
    Underneath the picture, the writer adds..:

    It's weird. As soon as Briar came back..I felt like he hadn't left. Y'know…we were friends. Even though he's still really stubborn and indifferent about things, I still see the boy I fell in love with. Yes, boy. That was the past, though. I have a family and a loving fiance who I'm more than happy with. But that doesn't mean Briar and I can't still be friends.

    We'll be like…like a trio again. Thorn, Briar, and me. Except...Troff will be there, too. And whoever else happens to be around.

    That picture is what happened not even half an hour ago. Thorn, Briar, Troff, Targohr, and me.

    Thorn asked me why I was so worried about Briar. I don't even get it. But I feel protective over him anyway.

    Well...I have people to talk to...so I'll write later!


  • Lots to write about today. But I'll cut it short.

    I don't like Sogar one bit. Probably never will at this point. He's not the first to comment on my choice of clothing…or the first to treat me like dirt. I guess it's not important, though. There's more to life than one person's perception.

    Telli came up in conversation with Thorn earlier. I miss Telli, but I haven't cried. She always did her best to help people and to make things better. Sometimes I wish that I could be like that too. Caelian and I were going to ask her to marry us, but that isn't an option anymore. We'll have to talk about it at some point.

    Eggbutt's dead. Finally. We won't have to deal with those Troblins anymore. At least..I hope we won't. Before leaving Norwick everyone had terrible stomach pains. At one point, I fell over infront of the gates...only to be yanked onto my knees by Yngdir and dragged away by Thorn. I then spent most of my time curled up on the ground. ...I was worried when we entered the final room where Eggbutt was. But most of us lived. Except Arlan...but he's been returned to us.

    I've been thinking about the Militia. I remember Albry saying she'd make me the head of the scouts again one day...but I told her that I think Thorn would be best. He's the better scout, after all. The better leader. We have enough scouts for there to be another Scout Colonel/Commander but Albry hasn't chosen a new one. At times I think she doesn't want to split the Militia into two. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

    The kids are getting bigger. It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with the twins...yet they're fifteen now. I can hardly believe it's been fifteen years. Evangeline's getting bigger, too. Caelian has a bow for her...for when she's older, that is. If the kids stay the same as they are now then I'll have a sorcerer, a bard, and a hunter. I'm being brutally honest when I say that I don't want my kids to get older. I wish they'd stay small and be my babies forever. Yet.. I also want my kids to grow up and be good people. Live good lives and have children of their own one day.

    ...The aging in my family is all mixed. I hate thinking about it, but I can't help it. My fiance is human. My little Angel is half-elven. And my twins are elven, like me. It would be so much easier if we all just had the same life span.

    A single tear drop marks the bottom of the page.


  • Like the first page, it appears as though the writer tapped the quill tip against one of the top corners. Unlike the previous tapping, it seems somewhat…angrier. The taps jab holes through the paper.

    I'm sick of this. Sick of putting on my bravest face. Sick of being "happy-go-lucky Eli" when I don't even feel remotely happy at all.

    "You stole my name." The words have echoed through my mind every second of every day since they were said to me. Eli. Elilian. Who is she? I gave myself a false name. A name that was never meant to be mine. But it's just a name… Right? Those four words felt like numerous slaps to the face; even cracks from a whip would be more bearable. I'm not even sure why I did it in the first place, but that's the name everyone knows me by. Maybe if I'd simply been-...

    The rest of the last line of the paragraph is scribbled out.

    No. I've always been myself. Not by name, I guess, but by everything else. Sometimes I just feel like I'm living a false life simply by the name I go by. I think that if I had a second chance, I'd go by my real name. The one that was given to me at birth.

    No news on Rary. I haven't even seen him for over a week.

    The kids are doing good. So's Caelian.

    …I should go for a walk.


  • The rest of the previous page is written on with this entry:

    I know that I promised to write about Cae and the kids…but I think I should write about the other things first before I forget to write it all down.

    Thorn and I talked about the whole Crux thing. Turns out...Albry had told Thorn everything I had told her. I understand why she did it, but I wish she hadn't. I trusted her with something I hadn't trusted anyone else with and she broke that trust. Maybe I'm digging a little too deep into it...I mean...it all worked out in the end, didn't it? When Thorn and I talked, he told me that he wasn't interested in Crux and that no one will ever 'steal' him from me. That took a huge weight off my shoulders. We talked a little more and I let him read the first couple pages of this journal. After that...we went to Peltarch.

    The next step to the situation with Rary. Thorn and I talked about it on the hillside. We've decided to try and take the necklace off of him and see if anything changes. How are we going to get the necklace off? We're going to knock him out. Not a punch to the face or anything...but natural means. Which is why Thorn's going to talk to Jerrick and see if he can get the right things for the job.

    Just about out of room on this page. I'll write more later.


  • The writer seems to have used too much ink during the first few sentences.

    Sadly, not a very happy subject to write about today like I'd hoped. I spoke to Albryanna about the whole Thorn/Crux thing. She gave me some advice and I've decided to talk to Thorn about it. I just…don't know what I'll say yet. I think it might be easier to just go along with my instincts and hope that I say the write words. Whenever I try to think of something to say…it doesn't work anyway. For example...when I was talking with Caelian about forgiving me for cheating on him. Anyway... That part's getting a bit easier. At least I know what to do now.

    It seems Albry and Rary both equally hate each other. I told her about how I'm worried about him...and she didn't really care about what else I had to say. So I'm thinking I should leave this problem for Thorn's advice and take it from there.

    A few swirls lead across the middle of the page.

    I'll leave the rest of this page and another page or two…or three...to talk about my kids and Caelian. When I get my mind off of the other things going on, that is.