3. Diary of a Fuzzy Sorceress

Diary of a Fuzzy Sorceress


  • Entry 159

    I've been spending some time alone this past tenday. It helps that things are mostly quiet now that the demon business is done. It seemed like the right time to pause and do some reflection.

    I've been re-reading this diary. While it's not my whole life, it does chronicle a good portion of it. Reading each entry really takes me back to how I felt at various points. The feelings come rushing back to me as I relive those moments in my mind. I find it cathartic and uplifting, even the entries that bring forward my low points full of sadness, guilt, or despair.

    Did I ever thank Nica for making me start this diary? I honestly can't remember. I should.

    Reliving my life through these words has made me realize a couple of things.

    First, I'm starting to get old. I feel years starting to weigh on me. My hair has some streaks of grey. There are wrinkles under my eyes.

    Second, I miss old friends and family that I don't see around. Some because they moved away. Some because they have passed on. A few because they are being even more hermit like than I am right now. Most of all though, I miss Jerrick.

    Can I be selfish now? Haven't I earned it? Hasn't he earned it?

    We are soulmates.

    This soul wants her mate.


  • Entry 158

    Well now. Leena bounced back quite well. Of course she did. Jerrick was never one to sulk for too long. Neither was I, I'd like to think. At least, not when something more important was on the line.

    She did it. The demon portal in Jiyyd is closed.

    Now, I know there were a lot of other people involved. Other druids, people from Peltarch, from Norwick, from the Legion, from the Wolves, from Spellweaver… and probably more I don't realize. But Leena was the architect of this whole effort. She led those people to the tower of Helm, to that demon-who's-name-I-cannot-pronounce, to the demon portal.

    The tower was opened. The demons were defeated. And the portal was closed.

    Albryana gave up the rest of her life here to become an Eternal Watcher of Helm. Her spirit will now keep vigil over the land and make sure this does not happen again.

    I'll miss you, Albry. You were always a good friend to Jerrick and I, and a wonderful babysitter to the kittens. Helm should be thankful he has such a wonderful soul as his Eternal Watcher.

    Leena finished what you started, Jerrick. I'm so proud of her. I know you are too.

    Seeing these young people (my daughters included) fill in where old friends used to be has me realizing that I'm getting old. Seeing Aelthas as an old wolf makes me feel old. I don't adventure much these days. I don't need to be here to protect the land. This land has new guardians. I think it's in good hands.

    That makes my heart ache for Jerrick more.


  • Entry 157

    Mothers have an interesting instinct when it comes to their kittens. We can just tell when something is wrong. I could tell instantly when I saw her walking through the Nars Pass. It wasn't just a normal anger. She was upset at herself.

    Leena led a group to find the lich's phylactery. I don't know the specifics of what happened. She told me they did succeed, but one of the demons managed to kill Leena with a spell. She was mad at herself for letting her guard down. She should have recast her Death Ward spell after it was dispelled. How could she be so stupid.

    She's not stupid. Mistakes tend to be more obvious after the fact. Glaringly so. She should be glad they succeeded. She should be proud that even when she fell, the people she led kept up and brought her back. THAT is true power. You can have all the magic or physical strength in the world, but if you don't have others who will fight at your side you will falter and fail. By the stars, I know Jerrick and I have made plenty of mistakes ourselves.

    As I comforted her and talked some sense back into her, I couldn't help but remember how I used to do the same with her father. How many nights had Jerrick stomping around upset at something and I'd be there to calm him down? It's tough when the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Tonight felt like that. Yet, she is not Jerrick. I have to admit it makes me miss him a little more.

    Arty also apologized to me for Leena falling to that demon. He felt like he should have done more to protect her. I told him too that they shouldn't beat themselves up over what happened. Could they have done better? Maybe, in hindsight. They did the best they could. Humble pie is hard to swallow sometimes.

    But I think I told Arty something more important. I don't want him to just try to protect Leena. By Selûne, keeping her "safe" would be impossible (much like her father, again). He needs to be there with her. To lift her up when she falls. To cheer her when she succeeds. To have her do the same for him.

    That's the way Jerrick and I are. That's what she needs.


  • Entry 156

    A marshmallow mountain. Tojan actually managed to build a marshmallow mountain (well, from a pixie view). And then she climbed it and tried to eat it. I should have known she was serious about doing it.

    But they weren't her marshmallows! By Selûne, that merchant was upset. Fortunately, I was able to calm him down. All I had to do was simply buy all the marshmallows.

    The things I do for my pixie…


  • // edit: Wrong diary, dammit.


  • Entry 155

    I'm a grandmother! I can't believe it! Oh, I can't wait for Tindra to find out.

    Leena mentioned Jonni and then let slip that he had a daughter with Elaine. Ah, I'm so glad to hear those two did finally get married and now have a daughter of their own! This is some of the best news yet!

    I met one of Tindra's new friends. She's a little elven lass by the name of Keerla. Something about her kind of reminds me of how I was when I first found myself in Norwick all those many decades ago. She's nice. She must be if Tojan already gave her a Name. That name is Sprout, by the way.

    I also met Atel's daughter, Tanya. She's interesting… a seer. She told me I have two fates. I wonder if what she saw was me and Tindra? Are we still connected? Even after all these years of being separate people? It makes me wonder...

    Bah. Enough with the self-guilt. I should focus on being a grandma!


  • Entry 154

    I got to talk to Arty more. Still need to get to know him more, of course, but we had a good talk. We've got some things in common. Both blessed with sorcery. Both left home due to that sorcery (though the why it was bad differs some). Both experienced being shunned because of prejudices.

    Really though, my biggest concern with my daughters finding mates of their own is pretty simple. Are they happy? If Leena is happy with Arty (and I very much think she is), then I'd say he's off to a good start on me being a nice mother-in-law.


  • Entry 153

    A couple of interesting things to note.

    First, Leena's got a boyfriend! He seems to be a nice fellow on first glance. Artemis is his name. Or Arty for short. He's a mage who likes lighting spells. And that's all I really know about him so far. Yes, I'll try to get to know him better. And I'll try not to embarrass Leena too much. Just a little bit. A little part of me can't help but wonder about the possibility of being a grandmother. Having little grand-kittens would be quite a joy.

    Second, another old Wolf has returned. I was quite surprised to see Dash. I hope Rasuil has a happy reunion with her.

    Also, Fadia's right, beholders aren't fun to fight. No, I didn't die, but somebody in our group did. Fortunately, her spirit answered Kathea's call to return to her body.


  • Entry 152

    Leena’s resting, so I figured I’ll not disturb her right now. There will be plenty time to be the doting mother later when she’s actually awake.

    I met an interesting fellow while I was up in Peltarch. This pixie by the name of Aniril greeted me while I was walking by the commons, remarking that he recognized me as Leena’s mother. Shortly into our conversation, the pixie turned into an elf, one I think I’ve seen about. He had some strange scars, I couldn’t read them but they looked like the Sylvan alphabet. We had a nice little conversation about shapeshifting. Which obviously you know is something I have some familiarity with. Well, natural and druidic shapeshifting at least. The arcane spells for accomplishing such I’m not as familiar with. I imagine there are some similarities.

    Nothing else of note for the day. A quiet day is a nice reprieve after the hellish battle.


  • Entry 151

    Wow, I never realized just how much time has passed by since I last wrote in this diary. A lot has happened, certainly too much to write about here. I’ll just give some of the personal highlights.

    Rith is back in Suzail dealing with a lot of family business. I’ve spent some time helping her with that.

    Tindra succumbed to more wanderlust and has been traveling all over the place. From one merchant caravan to the next. She finally got homesick, though, as she has returned to Norwick. I'm glad she's enjoying her life.

    Jerrick is gone. Not dead, but, stuck on a mountain being the guardian of something important to the Balance of Nature. It’s been rough on me and the kittens sometimes. Elaine was especially upset, and I dare say she held a bit of resentment to him for it. Leena was more understanding of it. As for me? I have my good days and my bad days. I know and believe he is doing the right thing, but Jerrick is my soulmate. To be without him feels like a piece of myself isn’t here. It helps that he can reach out to me at times through magic. Yet that is no replacement for having him physically with me. I need to feel his arms wrapped around me, to feel his lips on mine, to put my head on his shoulder…

    Did you know I tried to get up that mountain? I needed to be with him. So I tried. And tried. And tried. But I’m no druid, I could not find the way. The Nature gods must have taken pity on me, as they allowed him to come to the shore and spend some time with me. It was a blissful yet bittersweet reunion. I am back in Norwick and he is back on the mountain.

    It was enough to make me feel better. My heart still aches for him, but I can bear the pain.

    You know what helps? Seeing my daughters. Elaine inherited my sorcery, while Leena took after Jerrick and has become a druid. I must say, she has definitely become a force for Nature. I can't help but feel proud, and Jerrick shares that pride as well.

    While Elaine is away traveling, I was able to surprise Leena with my return. And she has surprised me in return! She has a boyfriend! I'm pretty excited by that. Artemis is his name. Hopefully, I'll get to know him more, but so far he seems like a good man. I wonder what Tojan will think of him.

    I know you might be wondering what has gone on in Narfell up to this point (whoever is reading this when I'm gone). But I'm still catching up myself. Recently, many adventurers took to slaying a powerful lich that threatened the land. I helped them fight up a mountain through undead frost giants, but then stuck with our druid allies while the others moved on. They were successful, but many died in the battle. Leena was at the front of the fight (again, she is so much like her father), and felt shaken by seeing all the casualties. I gave her the best advice I could think of. Take time out and spend it with loved ones. Whenever Jerrick felt the stress of his druidship weigh heavy, he would come to me to recenter. Sometimes with our friends like Rith and Fadia. We need to remind ourselves why we fight.

    I need to check in on her later.


  • Entry 150

    I officially took the oath for the Wolves of Narfell. In attendance were Eluriel, Sy'wyn, Jerrick, Faelar, Fadia, and Vilmar. Yes. Vilmar. As far as I recall, he's not Wolf. It was still good that he was there. He seemed interested in joining actually. Something about that makes me think there's irony afoot. Maybe Tindra would know why?

    I have no idea what he thinks of me. We haven't talked much. Granted, I'm still a bit scared to talk to him. What if he did become a Wolf? He would certainly fit in, I think. He's a ranger through and through. He certainly has made quick friends with the others. Maybe it'll give me more chances to prove myself to him.

    See, I just have to focus on the silver lining…


  • Entry 149

    <g>F A R K !</g>

    I have to remember NOT to say, "Oh, life is going perfect." That just seems to tempt fate to slap me across the face.

    I doubt I could have a bigger shock in my life than the one I had the other day. Rith came running up to me and mentioned there's somebody right behind me wanting to talk. I turned around and saw Vilmar standing there.

    Vilmar is alive?!?!

    I just froze. I mean, Tindra and Tojan both told me he was dead. We had his bow and ring even! And yet there he was.

    He's alive!! And he knows I'm not Tindra.

    I'm still freaking out a bit here, just trying not to show it. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to see that he's really alive. I'm sure it's made Tindra very happy. And since I share her early memories, I do see him as my adoptive brother too. So what's wrong?

    He also vividly remembers the pain and trouble I caused when the Dark Enchantress had me in her clutches. If he doesn't hate me, he's gotta certainly strongly dislike me. And the fact that I have his sister's body? That's like adding insult to injury, right?

    I've had trouble sleeping the last few nights…

    Maybe I'm getting too paranoid again. He did offer to let me prove myself to him. Rith is irked, of course. She feels I shouldn't have to prove myself to anybody. Jerrick too. But this is family. Family that I've hurt. Sorry, but it's hard to set aside the guilt I carry. Besides, he wasn't too unreasonable. One task was done already ten times over (pass on knowledge to others about what I know of the Dark Enchantress). Another was easy (give him his bow and ring back). The last? That'll be tough... find a way for Tindra to be a werecat again.

    Honestly, I'm doubtful that can be done. I've not heard from the werewolf clans in decades (neither has Tindra I think). Infection is out too, I won't have her suffer through what Aelthas had. I know of one mage who did it on his own, but Tindra knows more of that and as far as I know it was NOT a nice method and I'm sure she'd be against it.

    I promised I'd try to find a way though. I can't promise that it'll happen, but I'll try at least.

    If he can't accept that... well... I'll just have to accept it.


  • Entry 148

    Well… I haven't written too much. Too tired from chasing the girls around.

    Rith finally did something about her nightmares a while back. I was hoping to help, but that "Nightshade" fellow she had contacted did it without me. I'll have to get the whole story from Rith sometime.

    So then I figured my next focus should be on getting her to realize that yes, she should try to reach for what she really really really wants... motherhood. Guess what? She finally asked Lathander on her own (well, I'm sure SOMEBODY prodded her, but it wasn't me). Of course Lathander gave her his blessing on it (birth is part of his whole dogma, isn't it?). Now she just has to fix her body so she can physically bear children.

    And she and Micah are quite a happy couple. They just spent a nice trip visiting Suzail. Uncle Hammond can rest easy, I think. Rith's found her happiness, just like "she" (I) promised.

    Thorn and Fadia are doing good, too. And Tindra, I think (at least, I haven't heard any bad news about her).

    Life's just good I guess. Hope things stay this way for a while.


  • Entry 147

    I feel a bit silly. I can just imagine Fadia saying, “I told you so,” right now.

    Eluriel and I had our talk finally. It never occurred to me that she could be as nervous of me as I was of her. Ironic, no? I feel better now, at least. I'm still a Wolf, though she and I agree that I should officially take the oath. More importantly, we are better friends.

    What was so important? She wanted to know me better. Me as Lorelai, not as “Tindra's mental doppleganger.” I'll admit right now that is something I should have done differently. I should have opened up more to others, made myself and my intentions known.

    Oh wait. I have written that several times before, haven't I? Of course, there is no hiding it now. The cat has been let out of the bag and there is no way to stuff her back in. Not that we want to, it's easier to keep the truth free.

    Back to Eluriel. I think the simple act of having questions answered really is what was needed, though I think some answers also calmed some fears, like how I do share the same early memories that Tindra has of childhood and coming to Norwick. Eluriel compared it to Zeke and Zyphlin. It's a good comparison, I think. With Zyphlin though, he was fixed by the two coming together. Tindra and I didn't.

    Perhaps we should have been. After all, Jerr was quite adamant that we should be one whole instead of two halves. He could be right. I do notice a difference with Tindra gone, but is that a missing piece or just having been used to living in the same body for so long? And Tindra, not only does she not have me, but she is no longer a werecat. That must be uncomfortable for her at times. I know I would dearly miss being a feline.

    Actually, El did express some concern about Tindra being a bit different than she remembers. I hope Tindra isn't too different. Maybe I should ask Rith about that? No, I'll ask Thorn or Fadia. I don't need to trouble Rith with more problems right now. She's got her nightmares plaguing her again. Hopefully, we should soon put those nightmares to rest. Of course, it'd be nice if we could do away with that drow bitch. One thing at a time.

    ((Note: I had this written out a while ago and forgot to post it…))


  • Entry 146

    I should remember my old motto of "don't ask, you might not want to know." Bah, who am I kidding? It's not a matter of 'want'. I probably needed to know it.

    According to Fadia, Yngdir's harsh words about me aren't really about how I've caused Tindra harm in our past. He sees me as an abomination because of us two being split apart. Even though Mielikki guided Fadia on how to do it.

    Lovely.

    I have talked with Rasuil, Thorn, and Fadia about things concerning me. Each has had words that help. I'm still scared of what Eluriel is going to say to me. Maybe because it's hard for me to tell what she thinks of me? In one moment, I could believe that she takes my advice and opinions without judgement. In another moment, I'll feel like she doesn't trust me at all.

    She has every right not to trust me; I kept myself hidden for so long. I wanted to tell her sooner. I was just too damn scared to. She's one of the few who could probably remember how the Dark Enchantress controlled me.

    Selune, please give me strength.


  • Entry 145

    It looks like my sins are finally catching up to haunt me. Yngdir wanted to relay a message to me, but the way he asked for me at the Wolves' camp was rather… well, insulting. Rith probably took more offense to it than I, and she made a comment back at him that caused him to leave the Wolves. And now Eluriel wants to talk to me.

    Maybe I am paranoid, but my stomach knots up when I ponder what she wants to talk about. I trust my gut, and I don't like what it's telling me. Ronan tells me to just don't worry about what others think about me. Let them think what they will and stick to what I do and let my actions speak for me.

    I can live with people disliking me for the wrongs I have done to Tindra. I would hope that I could be forgiven, but I won't expect them to. At least Tindra has, that's who matters most on that.

    Being removed from something that I have been a part of for years... that I've fought for, bleed for, made it a part of my life and vice versa...

    That thought pains me.


  • Entry 144

    I was right! Go me! Zeke is Zyphlin! I wish I was there when he finally realized who he was, but I take pride in figuring that out long ago. Sure, I didn't know Zyphlin too well before, mostly in passing.

    I confused the poor bard. I guess he had run into Tindra just a short while before coming over to the house. So when he saw me he was taken aback at seeing a half-elven "Tindra" when he just spoke to an elven one (who he should remember as being half-elven also). I promised to give him the full story later.

    I admit a little part of me giggles at the confusion we cause. I can be a bad kitty when I want.

    Jerrick helped fix up Zyphlin's face of it's scars, and the bard then went to rest up. Thorn, Rith, Jerrick, and I hung out for a bit and got silly of course. I love it when we get silly, it's quite relaxing.

    The kittens should be waking up soon. I'll have to make sure they don't make too much noise and bother Zyphlin.


  • Entry 143

    Well. So much for Fight Night this month. Locrian was an ass, like before. Except moreso. Alright, Ronan probably did screw up and break a law, but did Loc have to make the town's militia look like brainless thugs? Was he trying to arrest Ronan? Was he trying to ban Ronan? It was like he tried to do both at once.

    I'll make sure the Chancellor straightens this out. I'm positive this is not what she wants of our militia.

    So a bunch of us ended up skipping Fight Night. That turned out fine because I got to meet Rith's new boyfriend.

    Yes, you heard (read) me right. Boyfriend.

    Micah's a nice fellow. Handsome too. He's training to be a guardian, knows about mixing drinks. Witty enough to crack a good joke, but is also polite and sensible. And Tawny sure was friendly with him.

    He passes the Lorie-test.


  • Entry 142

    My visit here has been wonderful. It's great to be with my father again. And meeting his parents and siblings. I know Tindra and I have raised some eyebrows, but it's okay.

    I just am not thinking too much on some questions they asked.

    If there is one thing that I am completely taken by surprise by, it's that I am no longer an exile. I suppose I shouldn't really be surprised, but I was. The partnership with the elves has softened some stances; and nobody wants to tell my father his daughter can take a hike. There is also the fact that a newer generation leads the tribe. Elders who don't recall the day I was run out of town, but recalls when I (Tindra technically) snuck back one time years later and ended up lending aid to rescue captives from bugbears. The tribe is still wary of my magic, but are rather curious and awed by my shapeshifting. Youngbloods wish to spar with me, and children asked for kitty-back rides.

    The tribe and the elves tend to stick with their own. The former in tents below, the latter in houses built in the trees. I did see some interactions that made me smile.

    The tribe's warriors, especially youngbloods, have always pitted themselves against each other in various contests. Much of it is determining dominance. And of course it gives a good show for the women (seeing a few try to impress Rith was priceless). I found a few elven warriors joining in. That was fun to watch. Elves tend to fight very differently. They are much more methodical and precise. On the first round, the elves easily knocked down the youngbloods with some sidesteps and redirecting of force. Their mistake, however, was to act too smug. Maybe they were just being typically elvish, or maybe they were just trying to intimidate. Either way, what they did was give the youngbloods a good reason to really throw themselves at the elves. The youngbloods charged in with a ferocity that startled the elves, who were beaten. I'm not sure what surprised the elves more. The ferocity of that attack, or the youngbloods then helping the elves back up for some more sparring. I admit it's a little bipolar.

    I also saw one of the tribe's shamans of Tempus talking with a priest of Corellon. They were exchanging tales of their gods. And I laughed at an elven hunters blushing at some catcalling from a couple of the women while he was returning.

    I just wish there wasn't some gloom from concerns about the bugbears. That would have made this whole trip perfect.


  • Entry 141
    My father's alive. So of to home we went. By Selûne, this was nerve-wracking. Arguing with a dragon would probably be more relaxing.

    Tindra was very excited. I'm rather jealous, she seems like she has few worries in this world. Rith would scold me and say I should be like that, too. I should, but I was so damn scared of what my father would say or do when he learns the truth.

    Of course, Rith was with us along with Fadia and Thorn. It's a good thing they insisted on making the journey, we fought a fair amount of hobgoblins and bugbears. It's nothing short of a miracle that I made it to Norwick when I was exiled, which is of course why Selûne means so much to me.

    After many days, we found a familiar sight. The clearing where my life changed for the first time. I stared at the sky for a few minutes, at the same spot I recall seeing Selûne's star twinkle at me. Memories crashed down on me, they were as vivid as if they happened yesterday. I know I've told the story numerous times before, but I told it again. This place was important to me, and I wanted the others to understand why. Memory after memory left my lips. The elders questioning me, that bastard calling me a witch and a devil, the ball of white light shooting out from my hand when I became scared, running for my life from my tribe and only stopping when exhaustion forced me, feeling so scared and alone and with no idea of what to do or where to go. But then I remembered Selûne guides wanderers and the lost, and I prayed.

    The Moonmaiden let me true. I am forever hers because of it. I pulled out a moonstone and offered it to her, setting it on the stone where I had sat and prayed years ago. And I was amused that Tindra had done the exact same thing as I at the same moment. Did we both tell the story together too?

    The village, of course, is in ruins. Almost nothing left really, nature has claimed the land. Tindra and I found where we used to live, and we bowed our heads to offer a moment of respect for our mother. Rith called out that there was movement, elves. One quickly approached us, and instantly I knew it was Daddy. I felt that fear and guilt hit me again.

    If I wasn't so caught up in my feelings, I would have found it amusing that my own father almost mistook Rith to be his daughter. He quickly recovered and came at me and gave me a hug. I wished that hug could last forever, but deep down I knew we had to tell him the truth. Daddy quickly noticed Tindra and knew something was odd. Rith volunteered to explain. I am relieved she offered the explanation, I don't think I could have done it myself.

    My father sat and listened. His face was serious and without emotion as he let Rith talk. After she was done, he took a look at both Tindra and I. Fear spiked through my body again. He went over and gave Tindra a loving hug, which even in my panicked mind I was happy to see. Then he walked up to me.

    There have only been a few times I've seen such a look in his face. It was That Look. You know what I mean right? The look only a parent can give a kid who did something wrong. If I wasn't so paralyzed with fear, I think I might have actually ran. In a sharp voice, he demanded I look at him. "A fake life… illusion and lies? Is that all you are?" I heard him ask.

    The words echoed loudly in my ears. How many times have I asked myself the same thing? For how long have I let that hang over my head?

    I'm real. No matter how I came to be, I am real. Different, but real. I told Daddy so.

    And he accepted it. Gave me another hug. Jerr, you'd be proud of me.