3. Telli (sic) in Norwick...

Telli (sic) in Norwick...


  • _Adding to the bizarre assaults on Norwick in the last days, weeks and months, a fresh hell and new horror has been visited on the slack-mandible locals of the burgh. Carrying a rusty-rustic looking scythe, a blonde dwarven figure waddle-pegs around town brashly hauling strangers and introducing herself as "Telli". No simple blonde hair this, however, but a radiant, candy-bright corkscrew curl wig framing Mercy's puggish ugliness in lewd and ludicrous parody of the authentic Telli. Draped in a filthy, greenish cloak, the stealthy Mercy proceeds to dispense medical and agricultural advice in Telli's name.

    These include, amongst other suggestions, inciting those suffering from the pangs of hunger to "prod them a pinecone up yer corkhole tae keep'ee feelin' full durin' th' lean weeks o' summer, yarr? Yon be a free drop o' advice fer Telli, yer favourite titstand an' cockroacher." To another, she suggests that simple manuring of crops is insufficient, and instead the Goddess suggests that local babies should be lashed to "shite dispensers" around "Chauntea's holy … er ... planty things" and regularly squeezed better to restore the nutrients to the soil. Added to these fraudulent Chaunteaisms, Mercy - the blonde bombshell - also makes a bold and sticky stab at hawking "holy" vials which she claims are curative but also have erotic applications. Close inspection of these bottles - which contain a phlegm like, viscous substance - will reveal a label marked

    "Telli's Weepin' Gash Ungent. Free refill. May contain nuts..."_


  • Telli strolls down the farmlands as she finds a discarded vial of phlegm and yellow liquor. Uncorking the vials and sniffing the contents she nearly gags. It doesn't take long before she catches wind of Mercy's shenanigans and the following signs begin to resurface amongst the farmlands and near Chauntea's altar perched atop the hill near Tom's farm.

    Telli begins a campaign to once again clear her name by visiting Norwicks locals to backtrack and reverse any damage done. If any give her an odd look or generally doubt Chauntea's curative will. She's quick to remind them the following…

    "Chauntea keptedededs us safe and pertectededs us and our crops grews strongs... da fruit dat baredededs was froms our hard work and strong backs... nots froms somes false vial a crud or easy fixedededs..."

    She holds up the vials for further emphasis

    "...Chauntea's will be done, she can fixededs any itches, rashes, diseasedededs yuh gottedededs froms dats sea hag wench foller... Why juss da oder day a man by da namededededs of Mr Elemmere was curedededs a his muteness froms da very blessings of da earth moder... juss askedededs aroundededs... folks knows... Chauntea ain'ts turnedededs her backs on yuh nor yuhs fields, nor yuhs livedstocks..."

    Telli stands there hopeful any she encounters are quickly remedied by restoration and greater restoration blessings before anything too serious spreads.

  • H

    • Taking a seat on a nearby bench, a dark armored dwarf watches with an amused look on his face. Occasionally he leans forward a bit violently with a hard slap to his thigh, without making a sound.

    His face reddens as he holds back laughter, that if released, would resemble some sort of Hideous Laughter spell. The tears starting to trickle from the corners of his eyes, a true "tell" of the effort spent fighting the outburst.

    At the end of "Telli's" speech, he stands abruptly, reaching into a pouch at his side.

    Leaning on his staff, a flick of a strong thumb sends a gold coin on a seige weapon like trajectory towards "Telli".

    [D] Bard! Me pleads… Mercy…

    • He grins as he speaks, pleased with his play on words *

    [D] Mercy me says.. fore me insides can nae hold the amusement that you has provided. Yeh is surely the best bard to walk these parts in years.

    • Walking bruskly towards the hold or a wooded area, he starts to chuckle as he gets farther from the farmers and the town. Once he is at a safe distance, a bellow of laughter is heard from far off, resembling rolling thunder or a ghastly murder…*

  • _Although the blonde corkscrew wig is a little more battered and a shinier scythe has been substituted, "Tellli" makes another benevolent appearance in Norwick. This time, this cruel parody of the priestess of Chauntea appears to have killed a furry yellow caterpillar and attached it to her forehead as a particularly fine, bushy golden monobrow. How indistinguishable is "Telli" from Telli, wi' a wanion!

    Having collared some gormless locals, the peg-waddler shares some more divine advice with them. "As Telli always says, th' bes' way tae store yer apples fer winter be tae put a rotten 'n at the bottom. As Chauntea told Telli las' week, o'er a cup o' pansy tea, one filthy moulderin' apple sucks up all th' barrel's bile, leavin' yer fruitsome dandysomely chipper, it do! Yon be a free drop o' advice fer Telli, yer favourite tom-cat piss-pipe an' moss-minged slip-willy."

    Bending down to pick up a handful of soil, the dwarf tut tuts, warmly advising that "her planty eye doth see tha' this filthy crumb o' muck ain't got no life left in't, 't don'". Fear not! The plant doctor has a prescription - "O' course, if'ee'd erected th' baba shite-scooshers like I tell't'ee, ye'd nary be havin' this problem. But Telli ha' one more trick up her bloat-wristed sleeve, she do, an' tha'. Take one, ripe grandmammy - 'r any o'er unloved elderly git or gitess'd do jus' as pretty - an' save time on funeral day by buryin'm a'fore they die. Yon'll perk up this soil, 't will, damn me - which be tae say - damn Telli fer a sprouted-bean-flickin' root-winkler if t'ain't so!"

    Added to these innovative but fraudulent Chaunteaisms, Mercy - the blonde seashell - makes another mercantile and gooey attempt to schill her selection of "holy" vials which she claims are curative but also have erotic applications. Close inspection of these bottles - which contain a phlegm like, viscous substance - will reveal a label marked..

    "Telli's Weepin' Gash Ungent. Free refill. May contain nuts…"

    "Telli" innovates, however! Another container, which appears to contain a sloshing, watery yellow liquid - is marked "Telli's Love Bottle" - Alcohol content 98.6%." On the back, some close-handed scribbler has drafted the following instructions.

    @84015bd3e5:

    "Wanting to shag Telli but distracted by the monobrow?
    That cow-like face letting you down?
    The solution is now in your hands!
    Drink this to put on twenty inch beer goggles and chow-down on this oniony Chauntean without the perils of realistic sight or perception! Sup Telli's Love Bottle to ensure you don't bottle loving Telli!_