Point of View - The Herald
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Hope.
Hope. What is Hope? A delusion we make ourselves see so the world may look brighter, or is it an honest promise of a better future? If Hope is what guides people, is that necesarily good? People blindly following a delusion they know as Hope is chaotic. It is a lie - most people would consider following a lie a waste of time. However, if Hope is truth, then why isn't the world a happier place? A beggar may hope for a plethora of food, but this does not mean he will ever achieve it. Why is that? As children we are taught that we can do anything we put our minds to. As adults, we learn the things we are taught as children are not all true.
Why do we invest so much faith in this 'Hope' - this word that cannot even be defined in language as I know it? Is it because we are all delusional, or because we all have the capacity to achieve our Hope, some just never travel the distance required? Alas, I hope to someday find out the answer to this question. Perhaps I'll even take the initiative to travel the distance.
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Mercenary.
Mercenary. It's not a job - it's a way of life. A man who performs martial feats for money is how most people percieve a mercenary, and on some basic level, they are right. However, a mercenary is much more than that. I believe that a mercenary is anyone who works for some sort of reward, which acts as incentive. Therefore, any person who has motivation to do something is a mercenary. Mercenary is not only a noun, but also an adjective. A man can be mercenary, but not -a- mercenary. People tend to misunderstand this, too. A mercenary form of life is simply to live quid pro quo - something for something.
Why is this life looked down upon by many? Quite hypocritical. I do not believe there is a single person out there who does not work for some form of reward; be it gold, happiness or simply the experience. If there is one person who does something simply to do it, I believe that person is a sociopath. No feeling, no motivation. Simply a waste of space. Mercenaries are what carries the torch of civilization.
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Afterlife.
I percieve the world differently than a great many people. For instance, I believe death should be final. I believe every action has a consequence that cannot be paid off via mortal currency. I believe a man should answer for his actions if he is caught. And I believe that at the end of the game we call life, kings, knights, priests and pawns all go into the same box. That box is death. No special treatment is given to the rich, and none to the poor. I expect none, and nor should anyone else.
Why should this life be it? Because we live it to its full extent. Because life is just that - life. When life is ended, it becomes death, and who wishes to live after death? Is it not torture to live forevermore? I believe it is. There will be no paradise for me after this life, but nor will there be a fiery hell. That is for me to decide. A person I consider a colleague told me that if I choose a god, my afterlife would be set and I could continue to exist. To what end? I live forever in a paradise with no true control over what becomes of me? A horrible fate. A fate I do not wish upon anyone. So I am 'Faithless,' even though I absolutely believe in the gods. And, because I am Faithless, my soul will be destroyed in the instance of my death.
I do not foresee this in the near future, but in case it does occur, may I be the first to say good riddance.
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Rumors.
Rumors. The rumor is a funny thing. It is not a lie, because if it were, it would be ruled out. However, it is not truth either, because if it were, it would not be considered a rumor. So what is this thing that is neither fact nor lie? Does that mean a person should believe it, though be willing to change their opinion on it in the blink of an eye, depending on what else arises? I have recently heard of a man rumored to be a Banite. Is he? I don't know, nor do I especially care. The local city of Peltarch, however, seems to believe that because this rumor abounds, it must be true, and therefore, this man must be banned. Simply because one man said something. The thing many don't understand, sadly, is that rumors are not an exact science.
Should a rumor live in our head as truth until we can prove different? Or shall it live as lie? Until a man can verify a rumor, what should he think of it? I believe he should be cautious of the rumor, but not lean one way or the other as to its potential factual value. After all, until we can prove it, it is both true and false at the same time, much the same as a cat can be alive and dead at the same time in a box. You simply don't know one way or the other until it is proven. So why not disregard it and put more important things in your mind?
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Reputation.
Reputation. It is a valuable thing at times, a Reputation. A nuisance at others. I have been recently pursuing knowledge of my Reputation.. who percieves it how? It seems most surfacers percieve me to be a liar, a murderer and a slaver. Therefore, my reputation among the surfacers is quite… malign. They most likely would not take me to dinner and a theatre show any time soon.
However, my reputation with the more 'dark' folks is quite good. They tend to see me as a simple Herald, and as long as I stay out of their way, they are more than willing to stay out of mine. As it should be. How does one change one's reputation without telling a lie? I do not believe it is possible, short of doing something that you would not normally do and most people would not -expect- you to do.
Therefore a reputation is only the extremes of what you do... a man might rescue a thousand slaves and be called a good man. Yet if he murders a thousand slaves, in the blink of an eye he is a bad man. Now if he murders a thousand men and frees a single slave, is he a good man or a bad man? What of vice versa?
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Hate.
Hate. There are those who hate me. There always have been, and there always will be. I do not believe I hate any one mortal being. There is no purpose to it. I can dislike them, but to what end? My preference means nothing unless I act upon it. And I simply avoid the people I disapprove of. It is a pity less people think this way, for many confrontations could be avoided and the need for violence would be lessened considerably.
Why do people hate me? I have asked, and the results are amusing, if somewhat disheartening. It seems people hate me because I come off strange. A foreigner from a town with a bad reputation. Guilt by assosciation. All in all, prejudice. They seem willing to act upon their hate, as many try to insult me. Very few have succeeded in hurting my feelings, but nine out of ten people try. Even when I remain civil and do not riposte with a scathing remark of my own. Perhaps I should, but will that only escalate the number of malignant comments I recieve? Has the general populace no values or morals?
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Mourning.
Mourning. All in all, a rather pointless endeavor as it does not help grief; instead, it tends to aggravate it even more. I was asked recently if there was not a soul in this world whose passing I would mourn. I said no, then thought it over and realized that my answer changed. There are people whose deaths would be mourned by me. Very few, but they still exist. Perhaps I'm not the heartless, greedy killer people make me out to be. A shame. I rather liked recieving the dirty looks from those who don't believe I am a simple Herald.
How would I mourn? Alas, that I do not know. Perhaps tears by a grave would suit me. Perhaps a form of revenge, which in its sweetness, is a rather petty form of payback. And perhaps I would simply sit by a fire and brood, or sit below the sky and watch the stars change to sun and back again… I hope I never have to find out. It will not be enjoyable for anyone, I'm afraid.
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Civility.
Civility. Does it even exist anymore? I can be as civil and polite as I wish… and I am. I address people with their proper titles, I acknowledge peoples' presence and I bid them good day. This is returned with hostile glances, threats and rude gestures/words. Why? Are people so utterly depressed and insecure that a man with ettiquette such as myself makes them rue the day they were spawned into this unforgiving world? Or do they simply hate the fact that through my ettiquete, I am still apathetic and not worried?
This is a question of morals. Morals that no longer exist in the Common Man, and morals that I thought to outlast every mortal. Humanity is nothing without civil values, and when these values are brought into question, so is the definition of the average person. My mother taught me manners when I was quite young. Through death and carnage, I have retained them, for they are as much a part of me as my limbs. Do others simply not learn these polite mannerisms, or do they think they are merely overrrated commodities?
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Law.
I have come to the conclusion that 'law' is just a figment of a man's imagination. A card he can play at will when he knows his explanations are feeble at best. Oscura is a city of law. People call it a city of chaos, then whine and whine when the laws catch up with them and they must suffer the consequences. The fact that an accused traitor is branded and exiled is simply a testament to the strength of Oscura's law, a shining example of how Oscura deals with traitors. People call this corruption and just another example of how lawless Oscura is. Do they realize what they are saying? Our law enforcement is actually an example of…lawlessness?
Law in and of itself is not corrupt. It cannot be. Those who enforce the law may be, but the very definition of law rules out corruption. Meaning if someone follows the law and is convicted of something by a full court... the person broke the law, or is extremely hated. Possibly both. Regardless, people that bring up law seem to do it simply to cover their backs or harass their enemies. A pity people will never grasp the concept of 'Law' in this sense.
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Friends.
Friends. I never had much to do with friends before. I've been a wanderer for quite a while, and a Herald at that. Friends would only get in the way and become liabilities. I've recently made an…acquaintance... a close friend. I do not regret this decision, but think I may have put this fried in danger by doing so. Is that not a disclaimer to how selfish and self centered I am? I put a person in danger by befriending them, but do not regret it, as the benefits seem to outweigh the malignant properties.
I do not think people have many true friends. I thought recently about what I would do for one of my very few friends... so few I can count them on one hand. I would trek across the Hells for one of my few trusted friends, and I feel that with such determination, nothing shy of the Overgod himself could stop me. Do people feel this for all of their friends? I think not, because I have seen people leave their friends and trusted peers to die simply to live another day. Who is right? Or is it simply a different matter?
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Reasons and Motives.
Without reasons and motives, life would be dull indeed. Everything that occurs happens because somebody has a reason to do it. I asked myself why I do what it is I do recently and spent more than a day composing an answer to the simple question. Why do I herald? Many answers came to mind.. I am the only one capable of Heralding this, I am the only one who doesn't have the ambition to move on to 'bigger' things, I am content with the simple life of a Herald where bladeplay and slaughtering need not be a practice, but rather a necesity… but none stuck.
None of the answers I came up with truly answered my question, so I thought about recent conversations. I thought them over and tried to discern my motives, but they sounded awfully cliche. I had just about given up hope on my answer until a package arrived. It contained the key to finding my answer. Simplicity.
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Justice.
Justice. What is Justice? Is it -the- sense of right and wrong, or a skewed sense of right and wrong, balanced on the whim of a city official? Does Justice have anything to do with Law? Or is it entirely unrelated? Questions such as these are unanswerable because they are relative to the person who is being accused. I think that the true form of Justice is not a written law, nor is it the sense of right and wrong a person may or may not have. To me, Justice is simply a mindset. More of a justification, a -reason- why you do things rather than -what you do.
With this conception of Justice, my actions can almost always be considered a form of Justice… as can everyone elses. Topics such as Justice are relative to each person. The blackguard who seeks refuge with a malign patron because she was forsaken by her hallowed lord has as Just a reason as the Judge who condemns a man for murder. Or, perhaps I am wrong entirely.. and like Religion, Psychology cannot be combined with Logic to create a reasonable answer. I wonder.. are such musings harmful?
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Corruption.
Corruption. It is everywhere. In local towns the city guardsmen abuse their powers to put foreigners and citizens alike down. They seem to feel the need to flaunt their authority in every concievable way. I quoted a law earlier today and a local soldier - not even a guardsman - said he would make my life miserable in the town if I did not shut my mouth. He thinks I'm a Banite. He is wrong. He thinks my city is made up of multiple tyrants. He is wrong in two respects. My city has no tyrants, and multiple tyrants is an oxymoron. Can I correct him? Only if I wish to go to jail, for he already abuses his city granted authority, and locals would never stick up for an Oscuran.
Oscura is often called a corrupt city, but it truly is not. Our laws are enforced, but not unjustly. Our laws are stated in the Pactus and the city ordinance list. Follow them, and you will be fine. We, unlike Peltarch and Norwick, stick to our posted laws. We don't make laws up on the spot just to hinder visitors. Yet, we are still called corrupt. I do not understand humanity, and nor do I think I want to.
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Denizens.
Denizens. I have made deals with denizens of numerous planes, and I have slain denizens of numerous planes. I find it odd that when people learn I have done jobs for demons and devils they balk, but when they learn I have rendered useful services to Celestials, they say nothing. If working with demons and devils is 'an act of the utmost evil,' shouldn't working alongside Celestials be an act of the utmost good?
Do they cancel each other out? How does this work? I have killed more demons and devils than I have devas, but, alas, that doesn't seem to matter to anybody. A pity. I do not think people realize why I do what I do. I don't work for gold, it's not my desire: I am not a greedy or ambitious man. I don't work for adventure, because, frankly, adventure leads to death. I don't work for anything so material. I work to stave off boredom. Nothing more, nothing less. Perhaps some day people will realize this. Probably not.
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Gratitude.
Gratitude. Oddly enough, people rarely show their gratitude to me, and the few that do usually are not sincere. In the past year, more people have expressed their gratitude to me than they ever have. They also seem to be sincere about it, which baffles me. A friend of mine expressed her gratitude the other day when I had done nothing deserving of thanks. Peculiar, and I do not know what to think of it. Reflecting on what has been written thus far, I do think I am thinking too hard on what I should simply take for granted… or perhaps I take for granted what I ought to think hard on. Quite an enigmatic conundrum. This may merit a discussion. Or a bit of relaxation. Or both.
I do not think I am deserving of gratitude since I rarely help, and when I do offer meager assistance, it is never anything notable. Certainly not all I can do for a cause. So why are people gratuitous?
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Wrath.
Wrath. I have been told that my temperment is quite mild; even mocked, for people know I will not or can not riposte with a barb of my own. In years past my wrath controlled me.. I was motivated by a need to prove myself to others, to show them that I am not harmless as I appear, however the result of such was initiation to Herald.. Nowadays I hide most feelings, both pleasure and pain. I have only once in the past years lost my self control outside of battle. Recently, my wrath has begun to reappear. There are people I do not wish harm upon, but through my own actions may have placed in danger.
If harm comes to those certain people, may the gods personally watch over their antagonists. And may they pray that is enough to save them from their sins. Wrath is not like rage, revenge or hatred, it is a more defined sense. In my mind, wrath is the ability to funnel all of one's dark thoughts and desires into an act of supreme….what is the word...finality. It is my belief that wrath is not necessarily a 'bad' thing, it is simply the thing most people refer to as their temper. I have finally decided that it does not control me; I control it. And woe be unto he who calls it upon himself.
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Loyalty.
Loyalty. I was recently asked what trait of mine I think describes me the best, and I chose Loyalty. Many would disagree with that choice for me, I believe, however they would be grossly incorrect. I am quite loyal to those deserving, though, admittedly, that number is quite small. It has doubled in the past few days… and it only increased by a solitary person. Loyalty, to me, is simply a strong faith in someone.. a faith that entitles trust, protection, compassion and a hint of amusement.
People often misconstrue the definition of loyalty, and seem to think it entitles a sense of law and order, which it doesn't. Even peoples of the most chaotic nature, harbingers of hate and revenge, are loyal to themselves. Come to think of it, the word loyalty is actually quite vague, because its definition can be twisted so many ways. Though, such is true for all words, and regardless of definition, I still feel loyalty is the best answer to the question.
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Burning Bridges.
I feel that in places such as Peltarch and Norwick I have oustayed my welcome.. assuming I was ever welcomed to begin with. I have spoken with people who I previously thought were old friends, for wont of a better word. Now they ignore me, refute me and lie to me. One such person was a person I had faith in, yet she has been increasingly cold towards me of late. Only one question I asked elicited a response, and the response in question was very defensive, accusatory and unlike the old her.
I do not know what exactly has happened to create such rufts, but suspect arrogance has something to do with it. For, when she was civil, she was also a great deal less… political. Now that she holds a public position of power, she thinks herself better than myself and refuses to associate herself with a simple Herald. I am starting to think that forgiving her is impossible and I would do better to simply ignore her. I suppose some bridges must be burned that a new, better bridge be built in its place... or remembrance.
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Ghosts of the Past.
Men and women are haunted by their pasts much more than they truly say. Even I used to succumb to some stage of fear when reminded of what had been. However, such a fear of the past is a vulnerability, and I have long since ignored it; for it is done, and nothing I can do will change it, for better or for worse.
A person whom I actually regard as a very close friend is not quite over what happened in their past. Such is actually a stage of grief, and I do think that it is important to accept the past for what it is….past. I intend to try and help this friend on the road to acceptance, but helping others is not something I excel at, so it may well be a learning experience for all.... I simply hope this is not a 'learn from mistakes' experience. Nobody will enjoy that. Nobody.
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False Accusations. (?)
Life seems to contain a certain number of false accusations, and many have found their way to myself. Recently, I have been accused of being a Zhent, a follower of Shar, a great man, and the man responsible for blowing up the Eastlander bridge. So far as I am aware, most of these, if not all of them, are incorrect. People walk up to me on the street, give me a look of joy, and say, "It is an honor to meet the Brdige-Breaker, sir, it really it."
This annoys me. I tell them that no, I did not break the bridge because, frankly, it did not affect me in the slightest, and nobody paid me to do so. Rumors and inferences should be taken with a grain of salt, and until one is certain they are truth, he should not rely solely upon them. These rumors seem to make me a target if heard by the wrong ears. Those who dwell above dislike Shar and Bane, so those rumors could lead to my expulsion from Peltarch. (I would only miss the liquor)
Should the Eastlanders hear that I blew up the bridge, they could cause problems for myself, and I have no desire to stand off against them, staring them down. Again. As for calling myself a great man, perhaps I am, but then again, such a thing is relative, and I am certain not all agree. Such as those on the Oscuran Board of Bounty.
