Point of View - The Herald
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Civility.
Civility. Does it even exist anymore? I can be as civil and polite as I wish… and I am. I address people with their proper titles, I acknowledge peoples' presence and I bid them good day. This is returned with hostile glances, threats and rude gestures/words. Why? Are people so utterly depressed and insecure that a man with ettiquette such as myself makes them rue the day they were spawned into this unforgiving world? Or do they simply hate the fact that through my ettiquete, I am still apathetic and not worried?
This is a question of morals. Morals that no longer exist in the Common Man, and morals that I thought to outlast every mortal. Humanity is nothing without civil values, and when these values are brought into question, so is the definition of the average person. My mother taught me manners when I was quite young. Through death and carnage, I have retained them, for they are as much a part of me as my limbs. Do others simply not learn these polite mannerisms, or do they think they are merely overrrated commodities?
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Law.
I have come to the conclusion that 'law' is just a figment of a man's imagination. A card he can play at will when he knows his explanations are feeble at best. Oscura is a city of law. People call it a city of chaos, then whine and whine when the laws catch up with them and they must suffer the consequences. The fact that an accused traitor is branded and exiled is simply a testament to the strength of Oscura's law, a shining example of how Oscura deals with traitors. People call this corruption and just another example of how lawless Oscura is. Do they realize what they are saying? Our law enforcement is actually an example of…lawlessness?
Law in and of itself is not corrupt. It cannot be. Those who enforce the law may be, but the very definition of law rules out corruption. Meaning if someone follows the law and is convicted of something by a full court... the person broke the law, or is extremely hated. Possibly both. Regardless, people that bring up law seem to do it simply to cover their backs or harass their enemies. A pity people will never grasp the concept of 'Law' in this sense.
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Friends.
Friends. I never had much to do with friends before. I've been a wanderer for quite a while, and a Herald at that. Friends would only get in the way and become liabilities. I've recently made an…acquaintance... a close friend. I do not regret this decision, but think I may have put this fried in danger by doing so. Is that not a disclaimer to how selfish and self centered I am? I put a person in danger by befriending them, but do not regret it, as the benefits seem to outweigh the malignant properties.
I do not think people have many true friends. I thought recently about what I would do for one of my very few friends... so few I can count them on one hand. I would trek across the Hells for one of my few trusted friends, and I feel that with such determination, nothing shy of the Overgod himself could stop me. Do people feel this for all of their friends? I think not, because I have seen people leave their friends and trusted peers to die simply to live another day. Who is right? Or is it simply a different matter?
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Reasons and Motives.
Without reasons and motives, life would be dull indeed. Everything that occurs happens because somebody has a reason to do it. I asked myself why I do what it is I do recently and spent more than a day composing an answer to the simple question. Why do I herald? Many answers came to mind.. I am the only one capable of Heralding this, I am the only one who doesn't have the ambition to move on to 'bigger' things, I am content with the simple life of a Herald where bladeplay and slaughtering need not be a practice, but rather a necesity… but none stuck.
None of the answers I came up with truly answered my question, so I thought about recent conversations. I thought them over and tried to discern my motives, but they sounded awfully cliche. I had just about given up hope on my answer until a package arrived. It contained the key to finding my answer. Simplicity.
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Justice.
Justice. What is Justice? Is it -the- sense of right and wrong, or a skewed sense of right and wrong, balanced on the whim of a city official? Does Justice have anything to do with Law? Or is it entirely unrelated? Questions such as these are unanswerable because they are relative to the person who is being accused. I think that the true form of Justice is not a written law, nor is it the sense of right and wrong a person may or may not have. To me, Justice is simply a mindset. More of a justification, a -reason- why you do things rather than -what you do.
With this conception of Justice, my actions can almost always be considered a form of Justice… as can everyone elses. Topics such as Justice are relative to each person. The blackguard who seeks refuge with a malign patron because she was forsaken by her hallowed lord has as Just a reason as the Judge who condemns a man for murder. Or, perhaps I am wrong entirely.. and like Religion, Psychology cannot be combined with Logic to create a reasonable answer. I wonder.. are such musings harmful?
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Corruption.
Corruption. It is everywhere. In local towns the city guardsmen abuse their powers to put foreigners and citizens alike down. They seem to feel the need to flaunt their authority in every concievable way. I quoted a law earlier today and a local soldier - not even a guardsman - said he would make my life miserable in the town if I did not shut my mouth. He thinks I'm a Banite. He is wrong. He thinks my city is made up of multiple tyrants. He is wrong in two respects. My city has no tyrants, and multiple tyrants is an oxymoron. Can I correct him? Only if I wish to go to jail, for he already abuses his city granted authority, and locals would never stick up for an Oscuran.
Oscura is often called a corrupt city, but it truly is not. Our laws are enforced, but not unjustly. Our laws are stated in the Pactus and the city ordinance list. Follow them, and you will be fine. We, unlike Peltarch and Norwick, stick to our posted laws. We don't make laws up on the spot just to hinder visitors. Yet, we are still called corrupt. I do not understand humanity, and nor do I think I want to.
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Denizens.
Denizens. I have made deals with denizens of numerous planes, and I have slain denizens of numerous planes. I find it odd that when people learn I have done jobs for demons and devils they balk, but when they learn I have rendered useful services to Celestials, they say nothing. If working with demons and devils is 'an act of the utmost evil,' shouldn't working alongside Celestials be an act of the utmost good?
Do they cancel each other out? How does this work? I have killed more demons and devils than I have devas, but, alas, that doesn't seem to matter to anybody. A pity. I do not think people realize why I do what I do. I don't work for gold, it's not my desire: I am not a greedy or ambitious man. I don't work for adventure, because, frankly, adventure leads to death. I don't work for anything so material. I work to stave off boredom. Nothing more, nothing less. Perhaps some day people will realize this. Probably not.
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Gratitude.
Gratitude. Oddly enough, people rarely show their gratitude to me, and the few that do usually are not sincere. In the past year, more people have expressed their gratitude to me than they ever have. They also seem to be sincere about it, which baffles me. A friend of mine expressed her gratitude the other day when I had done nothing deserving of thanks. Peculiar, and I do not know what to think of it. Reflecting on what has been written thus far, I do think I am thinking too hard on what I should simply take for granted… or perhaps I take for granted what I ought to think hard on. Quite an enigmatic conundrum. This may merit a discussion. Or a bit of relaxation. Or both.
I do not think I am deserving of gratitude since I rarely help, and when I do offer meager assistance, it is never anything notable. Certainly not all I can do for a cause. So why are people gratuitous?
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Wrath.
Wrath. I have been told that my temperment is quite mild; even mocked, for people know I will not or can not riposte with a barb of my own. In years past my wrath controlled me.. I was motivated by a need to prove myself to others, to show them that I am not harmless as I appear, however the result of such was initiation to Herald.. Nowadays I hide most feelings, both pleasure and pain. I have only once in the past years lost my self control outside of battle. Recently, my wrath has begun to reappear. There are people I do not wish harm upon, but through my own actions may have placed in danger.
If harm comes to those certain people, may the gods personally watch over their antagonists. And may they pray that is enough to save them from their sins. Wrath is not like rage, revenge or hatred, it is a more defined sense. In my mind, wrath is the ability to funnel all of one's dark thoughts and desires into an act of supreme….what is the word...finality. It is my belief that wrath is not necessarily a 'bad' thing, it is simply the thing most people refer to as their temper. I have finally decided that it does not control me; I control it. And woe be unto he who calls it upon himself.
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Loyalty.
Loyalty. I was recently asked what trait of mine I think describes me the best, and I chose Loyalty. Many would disagree with that choice for me, I believe, however they would be grossly incorrect. I am quite loyal to those deserving, though, admittedly, that number is quite small. It has doubled in the past few days… and it only increased by a solitary person. Loyalty, to me, is simply a strong faith in someone.. a faith that entitles trust, protection, compassion and a hint of amusement.
People often misconstrue the definition of loyalty, and seem to think it entitles a sense of law and order, which it doesn't. Even peoples of the most chaotic nature, harbingers of hate and revenge, are loyal to themselves. Come to think of it, the word loyalty is actually quite vague, because its definition can be twisted so many ways. Though, such is true for all words, and regardless of definition, I still feel loyalty is the best answer to the question.
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Burning Bridges.
I feel that in places such as Peltarch and Norwick I have oustayed my welcome.. assuming I was ever welcomed to begin with. I have spoken with people who I previously thought were old friends, for wont of a better word. Now they ignore me, refute me and lie to me. One such person was a person I had faith in, yet she has been increasingly cold towards me of late. Only one question I asked elicited a response, and the response in question was very defensive, accusatory and unlike the old her.
I do not know what exactly has happened to create such rufts, but suspect arrogance has something to do with it. For, when she was civil, she was also a great deal less… political. Now that she holds a public position of power, she thinks herself better than myself and refuses to associate herself with a simple Herald. I am starting to think that forgiving her is impossible and I would do better to simply ignore her. I suppose some bridges must be burned that a new, better bridge be built in its place... or remembrance.
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Ghosts of the Past.
Men and women are haunted by their pasts much more than they truly say. Even I used to succumb to some stage of fear when reminded of what had been. However, such a fear of the past is a vulnerability, and I have long since ignored it; for it is done, and nothing I can do will change it, for better or for worse.
A person whom I actually regard as a very close friend is not quite over what happened in their past. Such is actually a stage of grief, and I do think that it is important to accept the past for what it is….past. I intend to try and help this friend on the road to acceptance, but helping others is not something I excel at, so it may well be a learning experience for all.... I simply hope this is not a 'learn from mistakes' experience. Nobody will enjoy that. Nobody.
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False Accusations. (?)
Life seems to contain a certain number of false accusations, and many have found their way to myself. Recently, I have been accused of being a Zhent, a follower of Shar, a great man, and the man responsible for blowing up the Eastlander bridge. So far as I am aware, most of these, if not all of them, are incorrect. People walk up to me on the street, give me a look of joy, and say, "It is an honor to meet the Brdige-Breaker, sir, it really it."
This annoys me. I tell them that no, I did not break the bridge because, frankly, it did not affect me in the slightest, and nobody paid me to do so. Rumors and inferences should be taken with a grain of salt, and until one is certain they are truth, he should not rely solely upon them. These rumors seem to make me a target if heard by the wrong ears. Those who dwell above dislike Shar and Bane, so those rumors could lead to my expulsion from Peltarch. (I would only miss the liquor)
Should the Eastlanders hear that I blew up the bridge, they could cause problems for myself, and I have no desire to stand off against them, staring them down. Again. As for calling myself a great man, perhaps I am, but then again, such a thing is relative, and I am certain not all agree. Such as those on the Oscuran Board of Bounty.
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Relaxation.
One of the most valuable things in this world is Relaxation, and few people recieve enough of it. I have learned much about the art - oh yes, it is an art - of Relaxation in the past few days, and have decided that for optimal performance, fine wine and good company are required. The vintage wine is much easier to come by than the company, sadly.
A serene location with waves lapping slowly at a sandy beach is the place I prefer to relax in, the water warm enough to swim in comfortably. Swimming is also a requirement, as it makes one feel free.. weightless. An easy way to escape reality for the time being, and the water seems to wash worries away with each immersion… a pity I have things to do often and can rarely venture there.
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Trust. Part Two.
Trust, a trait that seems to be surfacing more and more in my life with every dawning day. With these new encounters, I find my point of view changing on this moral predicament.
I have now agreed with another that trust has numerous degrees and levels of potency, so to speak. Most folk trust comrades, family, friends and spouses, but each to a different level. Each different relationship has a different level of trust… for example, most people trust their Mothers and Fathers more than their comrades, but such does not mean they -do not- trust their comrades.. it is simply to a different degree.
The main question this new perception of the ideal brings up is this: How does one decide on how much to confide in to a person they trust? A person must know one exceedingly well to confide their 'deepest' secrets in a friend... my answer is one must be certain the other will not leak the secrets, and until such is proven, those lesser known details ought be bottled up and not shared.
Reading over this, I notice numerous flaws that will need to be changed with my next discussion.
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To Be Content.
Is it truly complicated to become content? I was recently told by someone I truly consider a friend that only in death is one truly content because it means obligations are over, and you have 'spoken your piece', so to say. I disagree with this sentiment. And I told my friend thus: on a grand scale, one will never be content, so do not be dissuaded by the overwhelming reality of it; instead, let the simple things such as fine wine and good company make you happy… settle for less, so to speak.
I enjoy spending time with this friend; our conversations are refreshing, and the simplistic riddles of our discussions are challenging, yet quite relaxing. It is a pity that they view me as a most interesting beast, rather than a man with depth. However, while I may simply be an object of interest, they also have utter faith in myself... and I value that more than wine and good talking.
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Ambition.
The other night, a I had a long talk with a lady about ambition and where it leads. My views were that lack of ambition creates beings who are essentially wastes of space, as they get nothing done, but a deep bastion of ambition leads men to greed, and their thirst for power is never sated. She replied that she knew ambitious men that have done great deeds, and some that were purely instruments of chaos; quite destructive.
I claimed that I only have ambition in certain situations, only those concerning people I respect. She saw my point of view, but I do not think she agrees with it. I think I have changed my mind though, now that I think on it… I will have to seek her out again to tell her my answer has changed. I now think that ambition is only becoming when its obvious benefits are in plain sight.
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Warriors.
I tell those I meet I am known as Herald, by job and title. Most of them see a man with a sword and armor and percieve him to be a warrior. This is not true, and I do so tire of telling them such. I try to be honest with them and tell them I do not offer much aid…and some believe me, but have me along anyway. Others think I am lying and either mock myself or simply throw me from the group.
A Herald delivers messages, and is a harbinger of -something-. No, I do not harbing death, destruction, chaos, or a new world, and I have told people such, yet they refuse to believe me...are all people so untrustworthy? So it seems... I find myself truly attatched to those that do not judge me by what appearance I bear... yet, I doubt they know how much I appreciate their faith.
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Blood, Sweat and Tears.
Blood, Sweat and Tears. This is the true currency of the Realms, not gold. No, gold is simply a figurehead. Adventurers off looking for coin sweat to shed the blood of others and take their coins, resulting in the tears of those in pain. Is the society I live in -truly- this barbaric? So it would seem.
I was raised with the ideal that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Anything worth fighting for is worth dying for. I have fought for my ideals, but not as often as I have fought for the ideals of others, but I can truly say I have never died for my beliefs, only the follies of others, and for what? Another day in this glorious life to find my purpose?
It all boils down to such, and while finding my purpose, debts will be paid in blood, sweat and tears. It keeps the world turning.
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Seclusion.
Seclusion. This is one thing I hate, no abhor, more than all others. There are those who think themselves superior to others, and perhaps it is time they learn they are not. The only people whose blood I have actually sought on my own were those too arrogant to admit their mistakes. And yes, given an opportunity, I will gladly sink my blade into their backs, slit their throats while they sleep. For I have no honor, and such a thing would not affect me as it would others.
People see my skin and cast me out, as they would throw a stray dog from their home. It is not an easy thing to live with, these runes, but someone must, and I bear the burden. However, so long as I bear the burden, I might as well bask in the glory of chaos and create as much of it as possible. This reality is a harsh one, and I see that. Others whine and complain, so perhaps it is time they learn this, too.
