3. Marie's Diary - Notes of a travelling hin

Marie's Diary - Notes of a travelling hin


  • The Seventeenth of Uktar, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Oscura
    Weather: Cold

    The last few weeks have seen me travelling a lot in the Underdark, with various companions. It's been enlightening, and something I would have to term a real experience, although deadly and definitely painful. Many times I've been close to death, and yet I've survived every time so far. I'm not sure how much longer my luck will keep up, but it's something I guess I have to hope for, and work for.

    I'm getting quite familiar with the various routes to take there now, and I'm developing tactics to deal with the enemies I've encountered. The one that I fear the most? Possibly the Hooked Horrors, or the Skin Dancers. Both of them hit hard, and I'm normally fighting without magical buffs so I can deal with the Magic Eaters… it's a recipe that leaves me in a fair bit of pain.

    Raul hasn't come down there with me as yet, I think he'd be quite worried if he saw what I go through to manage it all. The others rely on me to fight the Magic Eaters, without me they would struggle, if they could even face them at all.

    Being so far below the surface, it affects everyone. Well, everyone except Telli. The weight of so much stone above your head, it's like a pressure cooker... it brings out the best and worst in everyone. Some folks show selflessness and sacrifice, dedication, loyalty, and determination. All properties that I admire and strive for in myself. Others, well, they show selfishness and arrogance, amongst other traits. I see these in myself at times too, much to my own disappointment.

    Maybe that's why I'm not satisfied with my own attitude a lot of the time. I know I can be more, be better, be more of a guiding light to others. There are some who say that I am a good person, people close to me who care deeply for me. Others have dismissed me with words such as murderer, monster, arrogant lass, and traitor. Those words hurt when they are spoken, because they are words that I sometimes use on myself, when I feel like I have failed.

    I stopped trying to justify to myself a long time ago the reason why I fight the so called monsters of this realm. For there is no need to justify that which is true. When I first came here, I was a traveller, seeing the sights. I fought to defend myself, to stay alive for another day, another week, another month. And now? Now I seek out that same fight, the fight that before I had no choice but to enter.

    But I seek it out, not for honour, or glory. Not for riches and fame. I seek it out to make Narfell a better place, that there might be one less monster to trouble the farmers and townsfolk, one less brigand to harrass travellers. I fight so that the weak do not have to die.

    If others see me as a murderer for this, then so be it.


  • The Eleventh of Marpenoth, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Had a disastrous trip into the Peltarch Sewers with Crux and Kosef. Crux died… thankfully her spirit was willing to return and we brought her back. I've not ever seen as many undead as there were on that trip, nor as tough undead as we faced.

    The trip started off well enough. We entered the sewers in the docks and fought our way past undead and cultists, slaying those that we could find. Eventually we made our way into the Barrows, and started cleansing them as best we could. At first the undead were the same as the types I had encountered before, but then as we got deeper and deeper in, there were stranger, more exotic types. Skeletons that could fire magic missiles and the like... then stronger wights than any I had seen.

    We were travelling fine, until we got past the tomb of Benny Leaffall. There in the corridor, waiting for us, was a horde of very powerful undead. Casters, warriors, the lot. As we engaged them, Kosef was hit by a spell and ran, magical fear gripping his soul. I did my best to hold them, but their casters just kept throwing magic at me. I ignored many of them, but the ones that got through hurt.

    They hurt Crux even worse. She fell, and a spell of fear finally got through my defenses. I ran to the opposite side that Kosef did, splitting the undead forces. I think that that perhaps is the only thing that kept us both alive. Once I had control of my mind again, I destroyed every single undead before me, healing as I moved forward amongst them.

    Unfortunately, the fear that had both Kosef and I in its grip didn't allow us to get to her in time. Another friend had fallen at my side, and I couldn't save her. And worse, she fell to undead mages, a foe I hate more than almost any other, a foe that I have trained to deal with, and I couldn't take them out in time.

    We were able to bring her back, although she was weakened. I feel terrible about it, but I know that she doesn't blame me for what happened.

    I need to get stronger still.... will I ever be strong enough?


  • The Twentyeighth of Eleint, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Fine

    Well, Linn's gone and done it now. She murdered four Oscuran guards in cold blood, with no provocation. What's more, Oscura has set a ten thousand gold bounty on her head for it.

    I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm not. Her actions yet again prove to be self centred and lacking forethought. And she had the gall to say I was a monster, and that I enjoyed slaughter. I don't murder innocent guards. I'm not the one who's been executed twice for crimes committed.

    Worst of all, what she's done is going to cause a lot of stress and heartache for Adelie. She can't stay with Linn now, not without losing her paladinhood and possibly her position with Peltarch. I hope she's okay through all this, she doesn't deserve what Linn is putting her through.

    I told Marty what had happened, she got upset that I would say Linn is guilty without it having been proven. I was there right after it happened, and how it happened is exactly what Linn would have done, and what she has done to monsters for ages now. She was also right nearby just before it happened. She was in the location, she had the means and the method, and the motive. That is more than enough for me to say guilty.

    I'll put up with a lot of things, and I'll let some things slide, but murdering a guard who is just doing his duty is abominable, let alone four guards.

    I hope they bring her in soon, and end this whole saga.


  • The Ninth of Eleint, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    I reached another pinnacle in my training. There will always more road to travel down, but this is a point I have been aiming for for a very long time. Finally, I have worked out how to dodge magics of all types. And it came as a very hard lesson.

    I was down in the Duergar with Louis. We'd made our way through the first few levels of caves without too much issue, although my luck seemed to be against me. I took more heavy hits than normal, had to use more potions. Nonetheless, we continued against heavy resistance.

    On the bottom floor, we cleared out the tunnels and the smaller rooms, before moving into the main room cautiously. There seemed to be more mages than normal, although they fell without too much issue. Then finally, my luck ran out.

    I tried to draw one of their priestesses, and she called her minions to aid her. Nothing unusual there, so I waded into melee with them, striking high and low to bring them down as quickly as I can. Disaster struck, her elite guards managing some lucky hits, ripping my defenses apart. I quickly started drinking healing potions, trying to restore health to my body whilst they were trying to remove it, then the final straw came. The foul priestess pierced my mind with a spell designed to leave me defenseless.

    My heart was racing, my blood pumping in my veins. I had never been in this situation before, so close to death and unable to defend myself. I moved away as quickly as I could, tried to find the exit, some cover, anything that might save me. I could barely think, barely feel, but a primal instinct told me to move, to keep moving, to try and stay alive as long as I could.

    The enchantment finally wore off, and I started drinking potions again, desperately trying to stop the bleeding as I moved towards the exit. Then, the battle turned again, as Louis returned invisible and hid me with a spell. I bolted as fast as I could, my legs going faster than they ever have before.

    They didn't pursue us, so I took a moment to calm my nerves and heal my wounds. It still makes my heart skip a beat as I think about it, how close I came to death and survived.

    Bolstered by magics, I made my way back in there and killed them all. All of them. Finally as the room stood empty except for Louis and I, I realised what had truly happened. Vengeance was mine that day.

    When we left the mines, and I was able to rest, new pathways opened before me in my mind. New methods of fighting, new forms for defense, and a mystical web covered my soul, enhancing my skills and resistance to magic.

    Next time they try that spell, they won't be as lucky.


  • The Twentieth of Eleasis, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Clear, but windy

    A month of daily patrols of the sewers is getting to me. The stench of the undead fills my nostrils, even when I'm not in there. On the bright side, I know the area so well I could navigate it with my eyes closed.

    I've passed Aelthas a few times now, he won't even turn to acknowledge me, or speak. So be it, he's made his choice. I know that working with him is going to be difficult, I just hope he's professional about it and doesn't let his personal feelings get in the way. If I'm lucky, I won't have to deal with him myself, I'll just have to do what Aghila asks instead. That would be better for everyone I think.

    I've made the effort to take Aranwe and Vick down there as well, even with all the risks. Alone, they would stand no chance down there. So I showed them the way, stood against every foe there, and let them see exactly what we're up against.

    Aghila has planned a trip down there in force to happen in a few days time, so the more folk who know first hand the way, and what to expect, the better the chances of success.

    I'm going to need to stop by the Odds again, and get some more Shan Yao, I had to use for Vick and Aranwe. Should they get diseased or poisoned again, they're going to need healing, and we don't have a priest in our ranks.

    Ah, the things I do for others.


  • The Twentysecond of Flamerule, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    I know why Marty was so upset before… and she didn't even know the half of it. A nest of cultists are down there, and a horde of undead.... and even worse, an ancient set of crypts have been accessed and defiled.

    I started by entering the sewers in the docks district, and stumbled upon a cultist, lying in wait for whoever should walk down there unaware. I was in the shadows though, and he never saw me coming.

    No holy symbols, notes, or anything else convenient on him to identify him or who he works for, but he wore the same outfit as the ones I came across afterwards.... a definite group out for blood. Not sure who they worship, but it's quite possible they work with the undead, as the two forces don't seem to fight.

    The undead under the docks seemed fairly typical, except for a stronger than normal zombie, so I continued on. Under the commerce district though, things go hot very quickly.

    Gelatinous cubes, crystal oozes, zombie fighters, skeletal warriors, and that nest of cultists were there, waiting for whoever turns up with blood on their minds.

    I was able to defeat everything except for the crystal oozes, it seems I have no way of harming them at all, but they equally can't harm me. The cultists were casting spells to try and befuddle my mind, or paralyse me, not sure which. In any case, they didn't succeed.

    After searching the whole area and eliminating all resistance, I moved on to the sewers under the residential district. The undead there were even stronger, and the cultists seemed to be staying out of the area, or perhaps they were hiding from me after I slaughtered so many of them.

    I haven't seen undead such as these except in the Norwick Crypts, and some of the ones here I haven't seen except in reference tomes. The one thing I did notice that worried me was vampire spawn... their presence speaks of vampires acting in the sewers.

    Whilst clearing this last section of sewers, I made a new discovery. A tunnel, dug with humanoid hands, leading down into the dark. Hoping to find the source of the undead, I went down.

    To my surprise, and disgust, I found a set of ancient crypts, defiled by undead. Many of the coffins themselves had been opened, and the remains either animated or consumed by the undead that were there.

    I destroyed every single one of those fouls beasts I could find.

    As I moved through the crypt, I mapped it out and took note of the tombs that lay there, disturbed or not. Some of the family names I recognised, some I did not. Desario, Stern, Leaffall, and even Ashald were amongst them.

    Once I got out, I quickly made two reports, and a second copy of the map, delivering one to the Farscouts, and the second to the Temple of Kelemvor. Kosef was glad to see the report I think, but worried by its contents. Can't say I blame him.

    I'm going to have to keep patrolling those sewers, to try and keep the undead under control until something more permanent can be done.

    We don't need them rising up to the streets.


  • The Twentieth of Flamerule, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Well, we're back. The apartment was a little stuffy from having been closed up, and it seems that the undead in the sewers have been getting under Marty's nerves, but otherwise everything pretty much seems in order. I'm going to have to go down there and search it out, see if I can find what she's talking about… she spoke of cultists and powerful undead.

    There was some... discussion at the Kelemvor Temple too. It ended badly, with Ronan and Aelthas quitting. I know that part of the reason for their quitting is my presence in the Order, but I'm not about to resign over their feelings towards me.

    Wog has stepped down as Keeper, and Kosef has stepped up to take his place. I think it will be better for both of them, as Wog has his responsibilities with the Legion, and Kosef has no ties in the region asides from the Order. It's all a bit sudden, but I think it will end up being for the best.

    I'm going to head down to the sewers tonight and scout it out, see what I can find. I have no idea what to expect, Marty seems very upset about whatever is down there, but what she told me wasn't that clear. I'll have to scour the whole undercity to see what I can find.

    Raul's been thrown straight into paperwork and patrols of the woods, so we'll be apart for a little bit I think. I can handle that, but I hope it's not for too long. It's nice to have him to cuddle up with at night, or morning, or whenever it is we can get together.

    Shift work is the pits sometimes.


  • The Seventh of Flamerule, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: The city of Trailsend, Damara
    Weather: Sunny and warm

    Our honeymoon is almost over. It's such a shame to have to even think about coming home, but I knew that it had to end sooner or later. I know we're probably needed back with the Defenders, and the gods only knows what else.

    I haven't written for quite a while, so I should start with the wedding.

    Everything was in order, Marty had the garden organised, and I knew what I had to do, but Adelie was still on shift. Something had happened, and she had to work back a bit. So she ran late. And then Raul, and Aghila ran late too. As I waited in the Commons for them all, to give the boys their suits, and to take Adelie to my apartment, I smiled wryly, wondering what else could go wrong. Perhaps rain, or some kind of snowfall?

    In any case, everyone turned up eventually. Adelie and I went off to the apartment to get ready, and we talked about the wedding, and the honeymoon… poor Adelie had no idea what she was supposed to do at the wedding at all. She'd never attended one before, not ever!

    Senria came around after a while, to take the suits and dresses for the guests. It was nice to see her, but she seemed upset, like something had gone wrong. She wouldn't talk about it on the day, hopefully when I get back we can catch up.

    Then, the time of the wedding was there... we started a little late, but I don't think anyone minded too much. Almost everyone was in their suit or dress... everyone except for Aelthas, standing there in his pink. Some other stragglers turned up late, but I can accept that they weren't dressed in the outfits. They were never given one.

    Aaaanyway... the garden was beautiful. There were butterflies everywhere, and Marty had somehow convinced a white stag, and a beaver to stand sedately on either side of her. The stag was on the boys side, and the beaver on my side. The moonlight shone down on us, and it just felt perfect. Raul and Aghila looked so handsome in their suits, and Adelie looked radiant.

    We said our vows underneath the tall trees, we exchanged our tokens, and we kissed.I could go into more detail, but I know it's something I'm going to remember for the rest of my life. I just... knew, when he kissed me, that this would be forever. A perfect moment.

    The ring he got me is gorgeous. A large emerald, perfectly cut, is set in the golden band, and it magically augments almost all of my abilities. I don't know how, or where he got it, but I do know that he must have paid a kings ransom, or earnt a kings thanks to get it. He still won't tell me about it, he just smiles at me, like it's a secret he wants to keep.

    There was the reception as well, but a lot of that is a blur. We danced, and we kissed, and we thanked people for coming, and for gifts... and we drank a little... Wog drank a lot and passed out... all in all, it was a great day.

    For our honeymoon, Raul had organised a luxury caravan for the two of us, pulled by a pair of draught horses. Nice, big animals, able to pull just about anything. We slowly but surely made our way west out of Narfell and into Damara, stopping every now and then to look at something, or maybe to take advantage of our new wedded state.

    He's a gentle lover, considerate, and careful. Our first time was something I will hold in my heart, and I'm glad we waited like we did. It must have been hard for him to go as slowly as he did, but I know that it made it more special for both of us.

    I have to say though, that as good as that was, what was even better was lying next to him afterwards. Nothing seperating us, joined in the heart, mind, and soul.

    We've seen quite a few interesting things, but a lot of it has been different taverns and vineyards. We've had a lot of meals, drank a lot of wine, and made a lot of love. All in all, I don't think I could have asked for more from a honeymoon.

    It will be another week until we're home, so I'm going to savour every moment I have with him here, without any duties or responsibilities hanging over our heads.

    In fact, I think I might go savour him right now.


  • The Fifteenth of Mirtul, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Clear skies

    I saw Raul tonight… for the first time in more than a month and a half. I'm not sure what to write down either. My mind is just spinning with it all... I'm so relieved. He left me with a kiss... one with promise, one that said "I love you".

    There are some things I haven't written down yet... things that either made me sad, or worried... I guess I can write them down now though, now that I know the wedding is still going to happen.

    I got a letter from my Mama. She won't be at the wedding. I figured that
    would be the case, but the reason why really hurt. Papa disowned me. When he found out that I was getting married, and that I wasn't coming home, he decided that if I wasn't going to come home to settle down, then I didn't want to be with my family.

    I haven't told Raul yet, I don't know how he'll take it. So much has already happened to cause us heartache... and I only got to spend maybe half an hour with him. He'll be home in the morning, after he finishes some paperwork... so after he gets some sleep, we can talk some more.

    Whilst Raul was away as well, Gaerielle and I got to talk. She opened up to me a little, and now I understand a bit of why she is so sad. She made me promise that when he came back, I wouldn't worry about the past, and I wouldn't hold onto the hurt. Instead, I need to embrace the future, and do everything I can to make both of us happy.

    So I'll tell him about the letter, but I'll also tell him that it is the past now. He is my new family, and that the hurt I felt from it is nothing compared to the happiness I feel at being with him.

    To be with him is worth everything in the world to me.


  • The Second of Mirtul, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    A few days of not much but eating, sleeping, and looking for Raul. I haven't found him yet… but I will. I took a trip south to Norwick though, had to pick up a silver helm for enchanting. Dwin made one for me, it's quite good quality.

    While I was down there, I had something most unusual happen. I met a hin monk who's been in the region for more than thirty years... with most of those years spent in isolation, meditating and seeking wisdom.

    Her name is Jinx. We spoke for a time, then I asked her if she would spar with me, that we might compare our skills and progress. She agreed, so we decided on rules, and moved over to the Fairgrounds, where I shucked off all of my gear but my robes.

    I shouted and stunned her, then knocked her to the ground in three blows.

    As she lay there, looking up at me, I felt horrible that I'd defeated her so quickly, but she saw it differently. Her eyes were full of wonder, and respect. I helped her to her feet, and she asked if I would train her, and teach her my Way.

    My Way. I was flabbergasted. Have I truly come so far now that I have developed my own Way, that I am worthy of being a teacher? To have a student, a disciple of my own? Am I capable of helping her learn what she needs to know to survive here?

    After I healed most of her wounds, we spoke again. I told her a bit about myself, and that after my wedding and honeymoon, that I would begin her training.

    I'm still not fully recovered from my time in the wilderness, and I don't know if the wedding is going to happen, butI have to believe that it will be okay. I have to keep living every day, because I don't know when he'll be back. Maybe part of what I have to do is to continue my training, and to take the next step... to become a teacher, and to strive to be a Master.

    Glorfindel, I wish you hadn't passed on so soon.


  • The Thirtieth of Tarsakh, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Well… I'm back. A month out there, alone, and someone came looking for me. And not someone I'd expect. Senria.

    She found me, the gods only know how. I told no-one where I was going, left no trail that I know of, and even if I did, it would have been very cold by the time she was looking. I'm guessing she used magic of some sort. Bah, what does it matter now?

    In any case, we talked about things. About the whole situation, about Raul and me, how I feel about him, what I would do to be with him. Her words were kind, and gentle, and they spoke to my heart, far more than anything Marty has ever said.

    She said that, in many ways, I reminded her of herself. She knew what was going on simply from what Benji has been doing and saying, and she knew I needed someone. So, she came looking for me.

    And I'm glad she did.

    I wish I could write down what she said to me, but I can remember the feelings they evoked, the responses I felt... not the words themselves. I'm scared now... but not scared of what can happen. I can't possibly feel any worse than I have already. I'm scared of losing Raul forever, over something as stupid as this. I'll be damned if I'm going to let that happen.

    I went home first... he hasn't been there. The letter is still unread. The house smells wrong, like its been closed up since I left it. He's not been in any of the taverns I know of either. But I'm not going to stop looking.

    I'm back now Raul... and I'm going to find you. I'm going to stand in front of you, and I'm going to tell you that I will do whatever it takes to make this work. I'm going to fight for you, and I'm never going to let you go.

    Never.


  • The Ninth of Tarsakh, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Smugglers Cove
    Weather: Unknown

    I decided to do what I do best. To run, and to disappear. First though, I made my way, using the shadows, to Peltarch. I went by our apartment, cleaned things up, and wrote Raul a letter. I hope he reads it, and that he understands.

    After that, I made my way south a little, and out into the swamps. The lizards don't look deep enough into the trees to spot me, and the oozes are too slow to be an inconvenience.

    Travel fast, travel light… taking only what I need.

    I moved further into the swamps, and finally into the caves... past the lizards, to where I am now. The old Smugglers Cove. No-one ever comes here anymore. There's fresh water, and fish to eat... I can get herbs and things from the swamp if I need. I can certainly stay fit down here, plenty of areas to swim and practice my kata.

    I don't need to be around people at the moment... the only person I need is Raul, and he's hurting. If I try to be with him, all it will do is make things worse. So instead I'll be alone here, with my thoughts.

    Better than being alone in a city full of people.

    The only noises I hear is the water dripping in some of the caverns, occasionally a breeze blowing through, or a fish coming up to grab a bug from the surface.

    I certainly never thought I would end up somewhere like this so close to my wedding... I thought I would be celebrating.

    Now I don't even know if it's going to happen.


  • ((This page is stained by tears))

    The Twentyfifth of Ches, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Behind the Temple of Kelemvor
    Weather: Raining

    I was kind, and kindness brought me heartache. So instead today I was cruel. He did the cruelest thing he could to me, so I returned it in fashion.

    Benji and Raul fought. I don't know the whole story, but it was over me. It seems that Benji told Raul that I kissed him, that I wasn't sure if I loved him or not. He said this publicly, in front of many people. Let's start with the fact that he kissed me, not the other way around.. that I broke it off, and stopped him several other times from kissing me. Let's continue with the fact that I told him three times in the one talk that I do not love him, and that we cannot be together. Obviously these things don't matter.

    So now my fiance is upset with me, because of what Benji has said, and my reputation is tarnished. Raul was crying, asking me why, getting upset… he walked off eventually, wouldn't look at me, wouldn't talk to me. At that moment, I wanted to die.. for the ground to open up and swallow me, to take me away from all of this. To take me away from the man that I love so much, that I hurt, by trying to be kind to another.

    I waited until Benji was alone... I approached him, confronted him for what he had said and done. He stammered, he apologised, but it's not enough. It can never be enough. I let my anger out, and I told him bluntly. I do not love him, I can never love him, and we will never be together. Never. Even if Raul leaves me, I would rather be alone than be with him now... the hurt he has caused me has turned my compassion to bitterness.

    I threw his amulet at him. I told him that I want him out of my life totally... to not come to the wedding, or the reception. I do not want to EVER see him again.

    He begged with me, pleaded... but I turned my back and walked away.

    Now, I'm sitting here behind the wall, crying and trying to work out what the hell I can do to fix this mess. I love Raul, and I don't want to give up on this... he's too important to me for me to give up on him.

    I wish I knew what to do... or who to talk to...

    Ye gods this hurts.

    Please Sheela, make me stone so that I can stop feeling this horrible pain, even if only for a day. Make me like stone.

    Please....


  • ((This page is stained by tears))

    The Nineteenth of Ches, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Across the Rift River
    Weather: Raining

    I had dinner with Benji, like I said I would.

    I was expecting something nice and simple, a meal between friends, to try and smooth things over, an affirmation of a relationship of mutual trust and care, but no romance.

    It seems he had other plans in mind.

    I arrived at the Legion Tower to find the two Privates who are normally assigned to guard the main hall from the inside standing out in the rain… it seemed odd, but Benji assured me it was just part of their shift. So... I headed inside. The lighting had been adjusted to be slightly dimmed, there was a musician there playing a lovely melody for us, and he had set up a table with flowers... he even gave me a red rose.

    My mind was screaming for me to run, to flee away from him, but I forced myself to stay. Maybe he's just trying to do something nice for me.

    We talked for a while before dinner, he had a bottle of the Sisterhood Chardonnay, one of the last made before the old hall was destroyed. Was it a sign? I don't know. But the wine was sweet, and the fact that he thought of it showed me that he had put in a tremendous amount of effort.

    He did ask me one thing... he had come to the realisation that he needed to enjoy the time he has with me now, without looking to the future... so he asked that I not speak of the wedding. How could I refuse such a request?

    His words were charming, and gentle... he spoke cautiously, careful to not let his emotions flow too much lest it break the mood. One of the things we talked about was the rose he gave me... they don't grow in my home region, I think it's the air there. His reply to that was that one rose had bloomed there, the most beautiful one of all.

    As I write all this, my heart is racing, my eyes are sore from crying, and my mind is full of chaos. I just...

    So many things that could have been different.

    He brought out dinner for us, pasta with a spicy tomato sauce. He showed me how to eat it, the pasta was lovely, and the sauce was complimented by the wine perfectly.

    After dinner, he asked me to dance... we moved over to the lutist and she played us a few slow songs... I'm still not sure what I'm doing with dancing, it feels so strange to move my feet like that and not be going through the forms or in combat.

    He spoke then, of love, of time lost, and regrets. He showed me a painting he did... of he, and I, and three children. He saw us with children, a family full of love... it broke my heart to see it. To see how much he truly loved me, that he would lay his soul bare before me.

    Truly, fate is a fickle mistress... to show me one thing, give me another... a man that I loved from afar who I could not have now returns my affections long gone, when I cannot respond to them even if I wanted to.

    I feel torn, my heart is ripped in different directions. I love Raul truly, with all of my being. I am bound to him, heart, mind, and spirit. But Benji was someone that if I had thought I would have had a chance with, if he had only been single, someone who I moved on from more than a year ago... he has kneeled before me, begging me for a chance, to call off the wedding, and to see if he and I can make it work, to give "our love" a chance.

    For the longest time, he didn't say anything before out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear that I would not return his love, fear that I would hurt him. And fear has cost us both that chance to be together.

    For as torn as I feel, my word is my bond. I cannot give up the present for the past, in the hopes of finding something long gone.

    I tried to give him back the amulet, he told me that even if he took it back, his heart would still be mine, for all time. I put it in his hand, and closed his fingers over it, but he would not accept it... said that he was bound to me, that he could never be free. Not for as long as he lived.

    I know that I won't change my decision... I can't. Raul and I will be wed. I won't give up a certainty for a chance, I won't do that to Raul. I love him too much. I think Benji said it truly, he loves me in the same way that I love Raul. With all of my being, with everything I have to give.

    But my heart is breaking for Benji, and I need a few days to clear my head, so that I can tell him for certain that it will never be.

    I'm sorry Benji. I truly am.


  • The Seventeenth of Ches, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    A few things have been happening since my last entry. Seems like quite a bit, really.

    I've spoken with some close friends about what happened with Benji. Hedia, Terren, even Alicia all said that it's not something I should worry about, in time he'd get over it. Marty says I need to rip his heart out and stomp it into the dirt, and then destroy or throw away the amulet he gave me, to show him how much disdain I have for him. I think that's just a little extreme… she was so intense in her response I can't help but wonder if she's not either insane, or in love with him herself.

    Raul wasn't too worried about it though, he said that he just automatically assumed everyone was in love with me, the sweet boy. I did ask him to return the amulet to Benji for me, which he tried to do, but Benji wouldn't accept it... said I would need to give it back to him personally.

    He's asked me to have dinner with him in a few days time. I agreed, partially because I said I would have dinner with him ages ago, as friends... and also so I can give him the amulet back. It will be at the Legion Tower, so it's not like it's some secluded grove or anything, he said he was going to do pasta or pancakes, or maybe both... I can't remember. Apparently pasta is noodles, whatever that is.

    I've been trying to spend as much time as I can with Raul, the wedding isn't too far away and I can't wait to finally be married to him. Just the idea of waking up in the morning holding him, and to come home at night to him, to be able to share my whole life and being with him without anyone else around...

    He liked the picture I gave him too, I think it left him speechless, in a good way. Hehe, I can only imagine what his face must have been like when he first opened it up. I told him last night of red silk and kisses on our wedding night, he almost fell over.

    Oh, and I took Vick out on a training run... we spoke of military law and conduct, as well as some woodscraft and tactics. Adelie told me before we headed out that she always got upset when any member of the Defenders, whether Farscouts, Ceruleans, or Regulars, did not salute a superior officer. Soo... we talked about where saluting came from, why it was done then, and why it is done now... and also a nice little loophole. You don't need to salute when you're out of uniform. Farscouts aren't required to wear their uniforms except for formal dress ocassions.

    The annual auction was held as well... I bought Marty a nice helm that deflects attacks as a thanks for officiating at the wedding for Raul and I. I also got a medicinal charm, and managed to sell some rings. All in all, I ended up in front for the day.

    I've been fairly busy with all this, and then on top I have the sewing of tents and blankets, and wedding outfits for the guests. I'm not sure if I'm sleeping enough, but I get the feeling I'm not.

    Should it feel like your mind is bending like a piece of rubber?


  • The Fourteenth of Alturiak, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    I'm so confused… why do men always have to wait until you're taken to tell you that they love you?

    Benji confessed to me today that he was in love with me, that he had been for a long time. It was hard for him to say, and I think he expected that it wouldn't work out the way he wanted, but he took it very hard.

    For the longest time, I was lonely, I felt alone. Then, I took a chance with Raul, and now we're to be wed. I never saw Benji as anything more than a friend, I couldn't allow myself to because he was with Merial. I thought they would be together forever. But things change, I guess.

    I do love Benji, but as a dear friend... nothing more. For a time I thought he might like me, but he wasn't available, so I dismissed it as mere fantasy on my part. I wish, for his sake, that he had told me how he felt before Raul and I got together. I would have given him a chance, and waited to see how it all turned out. Might have worked, might have not... but now we'll never know.

    To be honest, even if I did feel the same way about Benji as he does me, I wouldn't act on it. I've given my word to Raul, I've made my choice, and I'm going to stick with it. I love Raul truly, and I don't want anything to come between us.

    Benji reacted with a mixture of depression and anger when I let him down... I tried to do it gently, told him the truth about how I felt, told him that I want him to come to my wedding, and that I would dance with him there.

    His response hurt... he told me to just keep twisting the knife. At those words, I stood up to leave to try and sort my head out, but he asked me to stop, and put his amulet around my neck.

    The medallion he was given when he helped to close the demon portal below Jiyyd. The Heart of Valour.

    I can't believe that he would give me something so valuable to him, something that is so much a part of him. Especially when he knows that he and I cannot be together now.

    He gave me one other thing too. A kiss on the cheek... he lingered, almost as if saying goodbye. It was too much for me. I started crying, and ran. I just couldn't face him, not after that.

    I don't know how long it will be until I can.


  • The Fourth of Alturiak, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Sunny

    Aghila has promoted me to Sergeant. Now, it's my responsibility to look after and train the young corporals, to help them become better at what they do. I'm excited, recognition for actions always makes me feel special. The new recruits seem fast learners, as well as supplying skills I don't have, so I think we'll work well together.

    Raul has the ring now, so that's one thing out of the way, and I can stop worrying about it. Of course, I don't know what it looks like, so I'll have to wait and see… I wonder where he got it from. It doesn't really matter I guess, so long as it's what he was after. Raul, Aghila, and I all talked in the commons for a time and I was finally able to hand Raul that sketch that Terren did for me.

    I also saw Wog today, in the Peltarch Commons. He was his usual bouncy self, always having a laugh about something. We certainly managed to please him though. Raul and Aghila joined the Order of the Watchful Repose. He left the Commons so happy I thought he would float off!

    He's also asked me to think about whether or not I truly wish to be a Knight, because if I do, then he will give me the approval to do so. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a Knight. I had dreams of riding a big, shiny silver horse and wearing fullplate, wielding a sword and shield. Turns out you don't need any of those things to be a Knight, you just need to be willing to devote yourself fully to the ideals of the Order. Not that they are an easy thing to follow.

    I must defend any responsibility given, even unto death. My word is my law. I must show courage in all things. I must honor to those above my station, and earn respect from those below my station. I must continue to prove that I am intelligent and worthy of my title, and in battle my worthiness will be tested. I must be courteous to all people. I am to bring death to those who raise their weapons against a Knight or those entrusted into the Knight's protection. And last but not least, I must choose death before dishonour.

    It's a huge step. It would mean that I would go from being a normal person, to becoming Lady Marie. Now, it's not such a big change from what I normally do, but it changes what happens if I fail. At the moment, it only affects me. But if I become a Knight, then everything I do reflects on the Order, for good or bad. And a single bad action can wipe out the results of a hundred good ones.

    I'm going to need to think on it, but at the moment, I think I do want to do it, even with the costs that come with it. Life is a burden, and death a release... and yet here today I would choose to add another burden to my pile.

    The question is, is it worth it?


  • The Seventeenth of Hammer, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Today was… odd. I don't know how else to describe it.

    I met Terren in the Commons, and he asked me to come with him to the Bardic College, so he could observe my combat skills to better enchant my gloves for me. I felt vulnerable, but at the same time, safe.

    I know that a lot of people think poorly of him, say that he's just a womaniser, but I don't think that's it at all. He treated me with respect and dignity, and he always has. He's always respected my wishes, and my boundaries.

    So after I finished showing him my forms, we spoke a little, and he asked me if I would consider posing for a sketch, so I could give it to Raul. He showed me several he had already done, to give me an idea of what he could do, and we discussed options. In the end, I agreed to a classy sketch involving some red silk that I had in my pack.

    I picked up the silk a month or so ago when I was looking for material for the wedding clothes. It was beautiful, but I had no use for it in the end... and yet I couldn't let it go to waste. So, on our wedding night, it will be covering our bed.

    As I lay there on the bed, silk draped over my body so that nothing showed, but everything was hinted at, we talked about things... about Raul, the wedding, what it means to me...

    The thing that made it odd for me was how relaxed I was to reveal so much of myself, to make myself vulnerable to a man, any man, and especially one who is not to be my husband. Initially, I was very self conscious, but after a while that just seemed to melt away, and I was comfortable in my skin.

    Raul and I haven't slept together, and we won't until we're married. I want to wait, so that I know we're doing this for the right reasons. Even Terren understands that. And he understands why I do the things I do, why I make the choices I have made, and continue to make every day.

    No matter what happens, I know Terren will be there for me. He's a much firmer friend than most would ever realise. And I know that when Raul and I say our vows, he will be there, smiling for us.

    Because that's what friends are for.


  • The First of Hammer, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Last night was a very special New Years Eve for me, for several reasons.

    I was able to spend it with Raul, for one. We were out walking in the woods to the west, staying out of sight or scent of the worgs as night fell, and we slowly made our way up the top of the Giantspire. Together, hidden from the world we sat there, looking out over the realm and the Icelace Lake… it was beautiful. The stars shone down so wonderfully, and the moon was full and bright.

    As I sat beside him, his arms around me and my head on his shoulder, I knew that I had made the right decision. I can't live my life based on oneday somedays, I need to live in the here and now. I might end up living until the end of time, but that's no reason to not live my life now.

    The New Year also marked for me the count down until our wedding. Marty and I have gone over a few things for the planning, we still need to have a rehearsal closer to the date, but other than dresses and suits, I think most things are sorted.

    The suits for Raul and Aghila are done, and mine and Adelies dresses are as well, asides from any last minute changes. I hope they like them, I've put a lot of time and energy into them. The other dresses and suits I still need to sort out are for the guests... Marty came up with the idea (and I love it) to give all the guests a suit or dress to wear, so that everyone is wearing the same colours. We're going with green, because it's a garden wedding, and because that's Sheela Peryroyls colour.

    I wrote a letter to my parents yesterday, before we left for our walk. Explaining for them what has been happening, and about Raul and me. I don't know if I'm going to get a response or not... and I definitely don't think they'll come to the wedding. Papa won't leave home for this, and I doubt he'll let Mama come.

    As I wrote the letter though, I found myself wondering about how I came to be who I am. Am I just the result of random chance, that things just happened to make me the way I am, without any kind of defining pattern? Am I the son of my Mama and Papa, doomed to follow their mistakes? Are the Hinnish gods guiding me to some purpose I don't understand?

    Who knows. Maybe I'm just feeling strange from everything that's been happening lately. Life seems to be full of ups and downs, of highs and lows. For now, I'm nearing the crest, and I'd like to stay up there for as long as I can.

    For the first time in a long time, I am content.


  • The Twentieth of Nightal, 1511 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Some things change, some things stay the same. I told Marty about what Linn did, she sided with Linn, tried to defend her. Told me that she was all mixed up, that she needed love, not judgment. To a degree, she's right. But at the same time, I gave her love, and had it thrown back at me.

    A few days after that, I got word that Sickleslash wanted me to go to a meeting with the other wolves, out in the swamps. I made my preparations, and got some friends together to go out there. Marty, Raul, Aghila… and then Linn came along, and Marty invited her, even though she knew how I felt.

    Long story short, in the new year the wolves are going to move against Ong-Lameth, and they need my friends and I to take on Shur-Nolnak and Akino-Graz, to keep them away from Ong-Lameth. Sniper betrayed us, attacked whilst we were meeting. We had to kill him and his whole pack. Linn, in her infinite wisdom, dropped an Icestorm on me and Raul, then jokingly asked if we had "Cooled off" now.

    After that, we went back to town, and I told Marty how cranky I was that she invited Linn to come along, her response was to tell me that if I felt so strongly about it, that I should confront Linn. She actually sided with Linn, said I was being unreasonable! Someone who has been convicted of treason, and attempted murder, someone who has been executed twice and purged for three days for her crimes.

    I left Marty to her own devices, and went to the Dancing Mermaid to cool my head. After a while, I checked my GPS, and found Linn was in the commons. So, turnabout is fair play. I snuck out there, and listened to what was being said.

    Seems like Marty was trying to resolve the situation, and Linn was spouting so many lies it made my blood boil. She said that I was bloodthirsty, that I enjoyed violence. That I only went to kill Duergar for their potions, rather than buying them from the shop. She said that she didn't ever think it was right to kill the Duergar, that she had questioned Adelie about it, and Adelie assured her that the Duergar were evil and had to die, which is why she did it.

    Her lies are awfully ironic, considering she has over a hundred potions of critical healing taken from the dead bodies of Duergar, probably gathered over fifty or more trips there. She used to beg Adelie to take her there, and from the slaughter she grew rich and powerful, so rich that she could afford to spend coin without recourse.

    Terren knew this too... and he was there. He called her on it, said she was being childish and impudent, projecting onto others to try and prove to herself that she was better than them. She pretended to not understand what he was saying, but I know she did.

    Talk then turned to the Sisterhood, about her joining and leaving. She claimed that she left because she wanted to help, and she asked to help, but that Adelie and I never wanted to do anything about it. That we ignored her. Lies lies lies. All spoken to justify herself. She asked to do things, and I asked her, what do you want to do? What can you do? She never had a response.

    I wandered off around then, sick of hearing all the lies. I have no doubt it went on for quite a while longer.

    A few days later, I was in Norwick, with Hedia. She'd asked to join the Sisterhood, which is something I'd spoken with her about before. So, we were chatting about the Sisterhood and what was happening with it at the moment, when Linn turned up.

    She offered me an apology for giving me the cold shoulder. To say I was surprised was an understatement... but I wasn't surprised for long. She didn't want to talk about the reason for her apology, or anything really. I, in turn, apologised for being mad with her about her actions. I thought, if she is willing to try and bury the hatchet, then I'm all for it. I also told her that I hoped in future we might be friends again.

    Her response? "No, I don't think so."

    With those words, she proved to me that she only apologised to try and justify herself again, to put herself above me in her mind. Her apology wasn't genuine, it was social positioning, so that she could say to people "I apologised to Marie, she's being mean to me, it's not my fault, blah blah blah."

    So, I said to her "Have it your way Linn".

    She responded with "Yeah, you saying things like that is why I don't want to be your friend but.. oh well."

    She's the one in the wrong, I apologise to her to try and smooth things over, even though the only thing I've done is to be upset about her treatment of me, and she throws it in my face, makes me out to be the bad guy.

    We were friends for years. For a time, we were lovers, a relationship that she ended. When she was charged with treason, I tried to do what I could to have her set free, even though I knew she was guilty. I was there for her trial. I tried to visit her in jail, but she wouldn't see me. I was there for her punishment, to support her. And this is her thanks to me for all of that.

    Her world is going to be a very lonely one, where she can enjoy all the power and riches that her slaughter that she so despises has given her, and yet no friends or family to share it with. If Adelie has any sense, she'll realise just what a despicable, dishonest, self centred person Linn is, and leave her.

    Just about everyone who knows Linn know her duplicitous nature, they know her for who she is. Every day that someone I know sees how she's treating me, they encourage me, tell me that I'm in the right, that she's not worth worrying over. They tell me that what she's doing to me is no different to anything that she's done to someone else in the past.

    You know what? They're right. She's not worth it. So since her "apology", I've treated her with politeness and calmness. I won't confront her over it, that would only further justify what she is already deluding herself with. Instead, I treat her the same way that I do anyone that I don't care either way for. No liking or disliking, no arguing. Just, politeness, and calmness.

    She's not worth losing sleep over.