3. Marie's Diary - Notes of a travelling hin

Marie's Diary - Notes of a travelling hin


  • The Ninth of Tarsakh, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Smugglers Cove
    Weather: Unknown

    I decided to do what I do best. To run, and to disappear. First though, I made my way, using the shadows, to Peltarch. I went by our apartment, cleaned things up, and wrote Raul a letter. I hope he reads it, and that he understands.

    After that, I made my way south a little, and out into the swamps. The lizards don't look deep enough into the trees to spot me, and the oozes are too slow to be an inconvenience.

    Travel fast, travel light… taking only what I need.

    I moved further into the swamps, and finally into the caves... past the lizards, to where I am now. The old Smugglers Cove. No-one ever comes here anymore. There's fresh water, and fish to eat... I can get herbs and things from the swamp if I need. I can certainly stay fit down here, plenty of areas to swim and practice my kata.

    I don't need to be around people at the moment... the only person I need is Raul, and he's hurting. If I try to be with him, all it will do is make things worse. So instead I'll be alone here, with my thoughts.

    Better than being alone in a city full of people.

    The only noises I hear is the water dripping in some of the caverns, occasionally a breeze blowing through, or a fish coming up to grab a bug from the surface.

    I certainly never thought I would end up somewhere like this so close to my wedding... I thought I would be celebrating.

    Now I don't even know if it's going to happen.


  • ((This page is stained by tears))

    The Twentyfifth of Ches, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Behind the Temple of Kelemvor
    Weather: Raining

    I was kind, and kindness brought me heartache. So instead today I was cruel. He did the cruelest thing he could to me, so I returned it in fashion.

    Benji and Raul fought. I don't know the whole story, but it was over me. It seems that Benji told Raul that I kissed him, that I wasn't sure if I loved him or not. He said this publicly, in front of many people. Let's start with the fact that he kissed me, not the other way around.. that I broke it off, and stopped him several other times from kissing me. Let's continue with the fact that I told him three times in the one talk that I do not love him, and that we cannot be together. Obviously these things don't matter.

    So now my fiance is upset with me, because of what Benji has said, and my reputation is tarnished. Raul was crying, asking me why, getting upset… he walked off eventually, wouldn't look at me, wouldn't talk to me. At that moment, I wanted to die.. for the ground to open up and swallow me, to take me away from all of this. To take me away from the man that I love so much, that I hurt, by trying to be kind to another.

    I waited until Benji was alone... I approached him, confronted him for what he had said and done. He stammered, he apologised, but it's not enough. It can never be enough. I let my anger out, and I told him bluntly. I do not love him, I can never love him, and we will never be together. Never. Even if Raul leaves me, I would rather be alone than be with him now... the hurt he has caused me has turned my compassion to bitterness.

    I threw his amulet at him. I told him that I want him out of my life totally... to not come to the wedding, or the reception. I do not want to EVER see him again.

    He begged with me, pleaded... but I turned my back and walked away.

    Now, I'm sitting here behind the wall, crying and trying to work out what the hell I can do to fix this mess. I love Raul, and I don't want to give up on this... he's too important to me for me to give up on him.

    I wish I knew what to do... or who to talk to...

    Ye gods this hurts.

    Please Sheela, make me stone so that I can stop feeling this horrible pain, even if only for a day. Make me like stone.

    Please....


  • ((This page is stained by tears))

    The Nineteenth of Ches, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Across the Rift River
    Weather: Raining

    I had dinner with Benji, like I said I would.

    I was expecting something nice and simple, a meal between friends, to try and smooth things over, an affirmation of a relationship of mutual trust and care, but no romance.

    It seems he had other plans in mind.

    I arrived at the Legion Tower to find the two Privates who are normally assigned to guard the main hall from the inside standing out in the rain… it seemed odd, but Benji assured me it was just part of their shift. So... I headed inside. The lighting had been adjusted to be slightly dimmed, there was a musician there playing a lovely melody for us, and he had set up a table with flowers... he even gave me a red rose.

    My mind was screaming for me to run, to flee away from him, but I forced myself to stay. Maybe he's just trying to do something nice for me.

    We talked for a while before dinner, he had a bottle of the Sisterhood Chardonnay, one of the last made before the old hall was destroyed. Was it a sign? I don't know. But the wine was sweet, and the fact that he thought of it showed me that he had put in a tremendous amount of effort.

    He did ask me one thing... he had come to the realisation that he needed to enjoy the time he has with me now, without looking to the future... so he asked that I not speak of the wedding. How could I refuse such a request?

    His words were charming, and gentle... he spoke cautiously, careful to not let his emotions flow too much lest it break the mood. One of the things we talked about was the rose he gave me... they don't grow in my home region, I think it's the air there. His reply to that was that one rose had bloomed there, the most beautiful one of all.

    As I write all this, my heart is racing, my eyes are sore from crying, and my mind is full of chaos. I just...

    So many things that could have been different.

    He brought out dinner for us, pasta with a spicy tomato sauce. He showed me how to eat it, the pasta was lovely, and the sauce was complimented by the wine perfectly.

    After dinner, he asked me to dance... we moved over to the lutist and she played us a few slow songs... I'm still not sure what I'm doing with dancing, it feels so strange to move my feet like that and not be going through the forms or in combat.

    He spoke then, of love, of time lost, and regrets. He showed me a painting he did... of he, and I, and three children. He saw us with children, a family full of love... it broke my heart to see it. To see how much he truly loved me, that he would lay his soul bare before me.

    Truly, fate is a fickle mistress... to show me one thing, give me another... a man that I loved from afar who I could not have now returns my affections long gone, when I cannot respond to them even if I wanted to.

    I feel torn, my heart is ripped in different directions. I love Raul truly, with all of my being. I am bound to him, heart, mind, and spirit. But Benji was someone that if I had thought I would have had a chance with, if he had only been single, someone who I moved on from more than a year ago... he has kneeled before me, begging me for a chance, to call off the wedding, and to see if he and I can make it work, to give "our love" a chance.

    For the longest time, he didn't say anything before out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear that I would not return his love, fear that I would hurt him. And fear has cost us both that chance to be together.

    For as torn as I feel, my word is my bond. I cannot give up the present for the past, in the hopes of finding something long gone.

    I tried to give him back the amulet, he told me that even if he took it back, his heart would still be mine, for all time. I put it in his hand, and closed his fingers over it, but he would not accept it... said that he was bound to me, that he could never be free. Not for as long as he lived.

    I know that I won't change my decision... I can't. Raul and I will be wed. I won't give up a certainty for a chance, I won't do that to Raul. I love him too much. I think Benji said it truly, he loves me in the same way that I love Raul. With all of my being, with everything I have to give.

    But my heart is breaking for Benji, and I need a few days to clear my head, so that I can tell him for certain that it will never be.

    I'm sorry Benji. I truly am.


  • The Seventeenth of Ches, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    A few things have been happening since my last entry. Seems like quite a bit, really.

    I've spoken with some close friends about what happened with Benji. Hedia, Terren, even Alicia all said that it's not something I should worry about, in time he'd get over it. Marty says I need to rip his heart out and stomp it into the dirt, and then destroy or throw away the amulet he gave me, to show him how much disdain I have for him. I think that's just a little extreme… she was so intense in her response I can't help but wonder if she's not either insane, or in love with him herself.

    Raul wasn't too worried about it though, he said that he just automatically assumed everyone was in love with me, the sweet boy. I did ask him to return the amulet to Benji for me, which he tried to do, but Benji wouldn't accept it... said I would need to give it back to him personally.

    He's asked me to have dinner with him in a few days time. I agreed, partially because I said I would have dinner with him ages ago, as friends... and also so I can give him the amulet back. It will be at the Legion Tower, so it's not like it's some secluded grove or anything, he said he was going to do pasta or pancakes, or maybe both... I can't remember. Apparently pasta is noodles, whatever that is.

    I've been trying to spend as much time as I can with Raul, the wedding isn't too far away and I can't wait to finally be married to him. Just the idea of waking up in the morning holding him, and to come home at night to him, to be able to share my whole life and being with him without anyone else around...

    He liked the picture I gave him too, I think it left him speechless, in a good way. Hehe, I can only imagine what his face must have been like when he first opened it up. I told him last night of red silk and kisses on our wedding night, he almost fell over.

    Oh, and I took Vick out on a training run... we spoke of military law and conduct, as well as some woodscraft and tactics. Adelie told me before we headed out that she always got upset when any member of the Defenders, whether Farscouts, Ceruleans, or Regulars, did not salute a superior officer. Soo... we talked about where saluting came from, why it was done then, and why it is done now... and also a nice little loophole. You don't need to salute when you're out of uniform. Farscouts aren't required to wear their uniforms except for formal dress ocassions.

    The annual auction was held as well... I bought Marty a nice helm that deflects attacks as a thanks for officiating at the wedding for Raul and I. I also got a medicinal charm, and managed to sell some rings. All in all, I ended up in front for the day.

    I've been fairly busy with all this, and then on top I have the sewing of tents and blankets, and wedding outfits for the guests. I'm not sure if I'm sleeping enough, but I get the feeling I'm not.

    Should it feel like your mind is bending like a piece of rubber?


  • The Fourteenth of Alturiak, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    I'm so confused… why do men always have to wait until you're taken to tell you that they love you?

    Benji confessed to me today that he was in love with me, that he had been for a long time. It was hard for him to say, and I think he expected that it wouldn't work out the way he wanted, but he took it very hard.

    For the longest time, I was lonely, I felt alone. Then, I took a chance with Raul, and now we're to be wed. I never saw Benji as anything more than a friend, I couldn't allow myself to because he was with Merial. I thought they would be together forever. But things change, I guess.

    I do love Benji, but as a dear friend... nothing more. For a time I thought he might like me, but he wasn't available, so I dismissed it as mere fantasy on my part. I wish, for his sake, that he had told me how he felt before Raul and I got together. I would have given him a chance, and waited to see how it all turned out. Might have worked, might have not... but now we'll never know.

    To be honest, even if I did feel the same way about Benji as he does me, I wouldn't act on it. I've given my word to Raul, I've made my choice, and I'm going to stick with it. I love Raul truly, and I don't want anything to come between us.

    Benji reacted with a mixture of depression and anger when I let him down... I tried to do it gently, told him the truth about how I felt, told him that I want him to come to my wedding, and that I would dance with him there.

    His response hurt... he told me to just keep twisting the knife. At those words, I stood up to leave to try and sort my head out, but he asked me to stop, and put his amulet around my neck.

    The medallion he was given when he helped to close the demon portal below Jiyyd. The Heart of Valour.

    I can't believe that he would give me something so valuable to him, something that is so much a part of him. Especially when he knows that he and I cannot be together now.

    He gave me one other thing too. A kiss on the cheek... he lingered, almost as if saying goodbye. It was too much for me. I started crying, and ran. I just couldn't face him, not after that.

    I don't know how long it will be until I can.


  • The Fourth of Alturiak, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Sunny

    Aghila has promoted me to Sergeant. Now, it's my responsibility to look after and train the young corporals, to help them become better at what they do. I'm excited, recognition for actions always makes me feel special. The new recruits seem fast learners, as well as supplying skills I don't have, so I think we'll work well together.

    Raul has the ring now, so that's one thing out of the way, and I can stop worrying about it. Of course, I don't know what it looks like, so I'll have to wait and see… I wonder where he got it from. It doesn't really matter I guess, so long as it's what he was after. Raul, Aghila, and I all talked in the commons for a time and I was finally able to hand Raul that sketch that Terren did for me.

    I also saw Wog today, in the Peltarch Commons. He was his usual bouncy self, always having a laugh about something. We certainly managed to please him though. Raul and Aghila joined the Order of the Watchful Repose. He left the Commons so happy I thought he would float off!

    He's also asked me to think about whether or not I truly wish to be a Knight, because if I do, then he will give me the approval to do so. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a Knight. I had dreams of riding a big, shiny silver horse and wearing fullplate, wielding a sword and shield. Turns out you don't need any of those things to be a Knight, you just need to be willing to devote yourself fully to the ideals of the Order. Not that they are an easy thing to follow.

    I must defend any responsibility given, even unto death. My word is my law. I must show courage in all things. I must honor to those above my station, and earn respect from those below my station. I must continue to prove that I am intelligent and worthy of my title, and in battle my worthiness will be tested. I must be courteous to all people. I am to bring death to those who raise their weapons against a Knight or those entrusted into the Knight's protection. And last but not least, I must choose death before dishonour.

    It's a huge step. It would mean that I would go from being a normal person, to becoming Lady Marie. Now, it's not such a big change from what I normally do, but it changes what happens if I fail. At the moment, it only affects me. But if I become a Knight, then everything I do reflects on the Order, for good or bad. And a single bad action can wipe out the results of a hundred good ones.

    I'm going to need to think on it, but at the moment, I think I do want to do it, even with the costs that come with it. Life is a burden, and death a release... and yet here today I would choose to add another burden to my pile.

    The question is, is it worth it?


  • The Seventeenth of Hammer, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Today was… odd. I don't know how else to describe it.

    I met Terren in the Commons, and he asked me to come with him to the Bardic College, so he could observe my combat skills to better enchant my gloves for me. I felt vulnerable, but at the same time, safe.

    I know that a lot of people think poorly of him, say that he's just a womaniser, but I don't think that's it at all. He treated me with respect and dignity, and he always has. He's always respected my wishes, and my boundaries.

    So after I finished showing him my forms, we spoke a little, and he asked me if I would consider posing for a sketch, so I could give it to Raul. He showed me several he had already done, to give me an idea of what he could do, and we discussed options. In the end, I agreed to a classy sketch involving some red silk that I had in my pack.

    I picked up the silk a month or so ago when I was looking for material for the wedding clothes. It was beautiful, but I had no use for it in the end... and yet I couldn't let it go to waste. So, on our wedding night, it will be covering our bed.

    As I lay there on the bed, silk draped over my body so that nothing showed, but everything was hinted at, we talked about things... about Raul, the wedding, what it means to me...

    The thing that made it odd for me was how relaxed I was to reveal so much of myself, to make myself vulnerable to a man, any man, and especially one who is not to be my husband. Initially, I was very self conscious, but after a while that just seemed to melt away, and I was comfortable in my skin.

    Raul and I haven't slept together, and we won't until we're married. I want to wait, so that I know we're doing this for the right reasons. Even Terren understands that. And he understands why I do the things I do, why I make the choices I have made, and continue to make every day.

    No matter what happens, I know Terren will be there for me. He's a much firmer friend than most would ever realise. And I know that when Raul and I say our vows, he will be there, smiling for us.

    Because that's what friends are for.


  • The First of Hammer, 1512 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Last night was a very special New Years Eve for me, for several reasons.

    I was able to spend it with Raul, for one. We were out walking in the woods to the west, staying out of sight or scent of the worgs as night fell, and we slowly made our way up the top of the Giantspire. Together, hidden from the world we sat there, looking out over the realm and the Icelace Lake… it was beautiful. The stars shone down so wonderfully, and the moon was full and bright.

    As I sat beside him, his arms around me and my head on his shoulder, I knew that I had made the right decision. I can't live my life based on oneday somedays, I need to live in the here and now. I might end up living until the end of time, but that's no reason to not live my life now.

    The New Year also marked for me the count down until our wedding. Marty and I have gone over a few things for the planning, we still need to have a rehearsal closer to the date, but other than dresses and suits, I think most things are sorted.

    The suits for Raul and Aghila are done, and mine and Adelies dresses are as well, asides from any last minute changes. I hope they like them, I've put a lot of time and energy into them. The other dresses and suits I still need to sort out are for the guests... Marty came up with the idea (and I love it) to give all the guests a suit or dress to wear, so that everyone is wearing the same colours. We're going with green, because it's a garden wedding, and because that's Sheela Peryroyls colour.

    I wrote a letter to my parents yesterday, before we left for our walk. Explaining for them what has been happening, and about Raul and me. I don't know if I'm going to get a response or not... and I definitely don't think they'll come to the wedding. Papa won't leave home for this, and I doubt he'll let Mama come.

    As I wrote the letter though, I found myself wondering about how I came to be who I am. Am I just the result of random chance, that things just happened to make me the way I am, without any kind of defining pattern? Am I the son of my Mama and Papa, doomed to follow their mistakes? Are the Hinnish gods guiding me to some purpose I don't understand?

    Who knows. Maybe I'm just feeling strange from everything that's been happening lately. Life seems to be full of ups and downs, of highs and lows. For now, I'm nearing the crest, and I'd like to stay up there for as long as I can.

    For the first time in a long time, I am content.


  • The Twentieth of Nightal, 1511 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Some things change, some things stay the same. I told Marty about what Linn did, she sided with Linn, tried to defend her. Told me that she was all mixed up, that she needed love, not judgment. To a degree, she's right. But at the same time, I gave her love, and had it thrown back at me.

    A few days after that, I got word that Sickleslash wanted me to go to a meeting with the other wolves, out in the swamps. I made my preparations, and got some friends together to go out there. Marty, Raul, Aghila… and then Linn came along, and Marty invited her, even though she knew how I felt.

    Long story short, in the new year the wolves are going to move against Ong-Lameth, and they need my friends and I to take on Shur-Nolnak and Akino-Graz, to keep them away from Ong-Lameth. Sniper betrayed us, attacked whilst we were meeting. We had to kill him and his whole pack. Linn, in her infinite wisdom, dropped an Icestorm on me and Raul, then jokingly asked if we had "Cooled off" now.

    After that, we went back to town, and I told Marty how cranky I was that she invited Linn to come along, her response was to tell me that if I felt so strongly about it, that I should confront Linn. She actually sided with Linn, said I was being unreasonable! Someone who has been convicted of treason, and attempted murder, someone who has been executed twice and purged for three days for her crimes.

    I left Marty to her own devices, and went to the Dancing Mermaid to cool my head. After a while, I checked my GPS, and found Linn was in the commons. So, turnabout is fair play. I snuck out there, and listened to what was being said.

    Seems like Marty was trying to resolve the situation, and Linn was spouting so many lies it made my blood boil. She said that I was bloodthirsty, that I enjoyed violence. That I only went to kill Duergar for their potions, rather than buying them from the shop. She said that she didn't ever think it was right to kill the Duergar, that she had questioned Adelie about it, and Adelie assured her that the Duergar were evil and had to die, which is why she did it.

    Her lies are awfully ironic, considering she has over a hundred potions of critical healing taken from the dead bodies of Duergar, probably gathered over fifty or more trips there. She used to beg Adelie to take her there, and from the slaughter she grew rich and powerful, so rich that she could afford to spend coin without recourse.

    Terren knew this too... and he was there. He called her on it, said she was being childish and impudent, projecting onto others to try and prove to herself that she was better than them. She pretended to not understand what he was saying, but I know she did.

    Talk then turned to the Sisterhood, about her joining and leaving. She claimed that she left because she wanted to help, and she asked to help, but that Adelie and I never wanted to do anything about it. That we ignored her. Lies lies lies. All spoken to justify herself. She asked to do things, and I asked her, what do you want to do? What can you do? She never had a response.

    I wandered off around then, sick of hearing all the lies. I have no doubt it went on for quite a while longer.

    A few days later, I was in Norwick, with Hedia. She'd asked to join the Sisterhood, which is something I'd spoken with her about before. So, we were chatting about the Sisterhood and what was happening with it at the moment, when Linn turned up.

    She offered me an apology for giving me the cold shoulder. To say I was surprised was an understatement... but I wasn't surprised for long. She didn't want to talk about the reason for her apology, or anything really. I, in turn, apologised for being mad with her about her actions. I thought, if she is willing to try and bury the hatchet, then I'm all for it. I also told her that I hoped in future we might be friends again.

    Her response? "No, I don't think so."

    With those words, she proved to me that she only apologised to try and justify herself again, to put herself above me in her mind. Her apology wasn't genuine, it was social positioning, so that she could say to people "I apologised to Marie, she's being mean to me, it's not my fault, blah blah blah."

    So, I said to her "Have it your way Linn".

    She responded with "Yeah, you saying things like that is why I don't want to be your friend but.. oh well."

    She's the one in the wrong, I apologise to her to try and smooth things over, even though the only thing I've done is to be upset about her treatment of me, and she throws it in my face, makes me out to be the bad guy.

    We were friends for years. For a time, we were lovers, a relationship that she ended. When she was charged with treason, I tried to do what I could to have her set free, even though I knew she was guilty. I was there for her trial. I tried to visit her in jail, but she wouldn't see me. I was there for her punishment, to support her. And this is her thanks to me for all of that.

    Her world is going to be a very lonely one, where she can enjoy all the power and riches that her slaughter that she so despises has given her, and yet no friends or family to share it with. If Adelie has any sense, she'll realise just what a despicable, dishonest, self centred person Linn is, and leave her.

    Just about everyone who knows Linn know her duplicitous nature, they know her for who she is. Every day that someone I know sees how she's treating me, they encourage me, tell me that I'm in the right, that she's not worth worrying over. They tell me that what she's doing to me is no different to anything that she's done to someone else in the past.

    You know what? They're right. She's not worth it. So since her "apology", I've treated her with politeness and calmness. I won't confront her over it, that would only further justify what she is already deluding herself with. Instead, I treat her the same way that I do anyone that I don't care either way for. No liking or disliking, no arguing. Just, politeness, and calmness.

    She's not worth losing sleep over.


  • The Second of Nightal, 1511 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Sunny

    The weather seems to be getting better, not worse, even though we've hit winter now. I guess it just shows how messed up the balance is here, what with exploding towns, melting glaciers, a forest full of taint, and a city filled to overflowing with evil beasties, undead, and demons.

    Raul and I spent some time today going over the details for the wedding, and we finalised a date. The Thirtieth of Mirtul, 1512. That night is supposed to be a full moon, and it's the last day before Summer starts. So, as we get married, the seasons will turn and the moon will shine down on us.

    He also assured me that he'll be able to organise the ring and the reception venue before then, even though he hasn't started with either yet. He's got half a year to do it, so I do hope he manages it, otherwise we'll have to put it off until he does.

    The reception is supposed to be in the Amethyst Fest Hall, which is absolutely stunning inside, and spacious. Should be enough room for everyone to have a meal, dance, and have fun. He'll need to talk to the Seafarers about it though, make sure that they'll hire it out to us.

    After Raul headed off to do something, the Gods only know what (probably something to do with the wedding), Terren took me to the Bardic College to show me what he's done so far with the sword.

    It is beautiful.

    I don't think words can describe just how wonderful it really is. He's written my name on the sword in a flowing, cursive script, and into the groove that that's made is finely crafted Jasmal, reflecting red light. He told me that when he finalises the enchantment, that the jasmal will melt into the blade making the edge harder and sharper, and that the writing will glow red. Silver and Red… the perfect sword.

    I can see how much love he's put into the blade, how much dedication. It really moved me, to realise how much he cares for me, that he put his heart and soul so totally into this.

    A sword made by Maythor, and then enchanted by Terren, to give to Raul, on our wedding day. The finest in the land, bar none. May our love last as long as this blade will endure.

    Might our love be as strong as this blade, for as long as we live.


  • The Fifteenth of Uktar, 1511 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    I've had enough of Linn and her self centred ways. Today, she stalked me whilst invisible, and whispered lies about me to some new people I'd met, saying that I hated their kind, that I wished them ill. I managed to sort the situation out, but it ended the day on a sour note.

    I don't care what kind of justification she wants to use for her actions. Yes, she was tortured by Oscura for a crime she was convicted of. Yes, what they did was horrific. But that doesn't excuse going on a personal crusade to destroy an entire city.

    Yes, she has said, directly, that she wants to blow up Oscura, to kill everyone in it. She wants her revenge, and doesn't care who she has to hurt to get it. Nevermind that there are many, many innocents there. They have to die to make her feel better.

    The men I was with, they were Oscuran Nobles. Young though, less than thirty. They hadn't inherited yet either, from what I could tell. From the look of them, they hadn't been above ground much, and they certainly weren't polished in terms of their skills. They were polite though, and courteous. Vladimir Kursk, of the Northern Bear Alliance, and Louis Du Lorraine… not sure about which business his family owns. Vlad even told me that should I ever need anything, to let the Northern Bear Alliance know, and he would do his best to help.

    Marty said that Linn is hurting, that she needs people to show her mercy, to be kind to her. Well, I've tried to do that. I've tried to be her friend, even after she was cruel to me. Today was the end of my tether.

    I attended her trial, when even she didn't. I visited her in prison. I stood by her during the punishment. And her thanks for me was non-existent. She couldn't even say congratulations when I told her that Raul and I were to be wed.

    I don't wish her ill, but at the same time, I have no interest in being around her until she stops being so bitter. All she does is suck the fun out of where-ever she is, or cause trouble. And I don't need either of those things darkening my horizon.

    I'm all for redemption, and for giving people a chance to prove themselves. All she has proven to me lately is how small minded she really is, that she cannot see beyond her own pain to realise what she is doing with her actions. All she has shown me is how self-centred she is, that she doesn't care what happens to others, as long as she gets her way.

    She's being nothing more than a petulant child.


  • The Nineteenth of Eleint, 1511 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Sunny

    I've been staying in town since my last entry, unless I have friends with me. I don't feel confident enough in myself to risk going out alone. I remember when I used to feel like this, many years ago. A fresh faced traveller, I wanted to see everything, but I knew that alone I would be eaten alive.

    I'm a lot stronger than I was then, but I'm not as strong as I should be. Perhaps more than that though, I actually have something to live for now, and I've scared myself with what it would mean to lose it.

    I've also gone over some of my older diary entries, to see how I felt before, what things were important to me, and so on. There's some glaring inconsistencies in there, a lot of swinging backwards and forwards. I still have work to do, for my own peace of mind. I need to find a baseline, and work forward from there.

    Some times, I've been melancholy, depressed by what's happening around me. Other times, I've been ecstatically happy with little reason that I can work out. My emotions seem to go up and down.

    Alexi would tell me that that's what being young is about. Foolishness, in some parts. In others, simply a lack of experience. As I get older now, and more experienced, I think I'm beginning to learn discernment, to see the truth in things. The hardest part of that is seeing the truth in yourself.

    One thing I did notice though, is that my heart seems to go its own way. Especially seeing what's happening at the moment.

    If I look at how I've interacted with the different men in my life, I can see some kind of common pattern. Alexi I fell in love with because of his kindness, and his playfulness. I would have married him, if he had been available and felt the same way. I'm still not sure that he does, or that he ever did. He cares for me deeply, as kin. But that romantic love, that eros that the scholars speak of, I don't think he felt it.

    Terren is a funny one. At first, I thought his interest in me was something of a curiosity. He had lost Anju to the fates, and he and I were good friends. I have qualities that he values in a wife, and he, like Alexi, is playful. After everything that I've been through though, I know that as much as I care for him, we couldn't be together, simply because I want children, and he could never give them to me.

    And now, Raul. We only got together because of Adelie and Linn, but he's liked me ever since he first saw me, all those years ago. I wish I'd known sooner, I would have given him a chance. It's probably for the best that I didn't though, as the troubles I've lived through have better prepared me for him.

    He's a hin, like me. Kind, and gentle, to me at least. Dedicated to his work. Playful, and shy. Somewhat secretive, about some things at least. I don't think he's hiding things from me, but there is always things that stay unsaid. I always told the whole truth to Alexi, there was not a single secret between us. Perhaps, in retrospect, that was where I went wrong.

    Now that I've been through all this, I can honestly say that you can love different men in different ways, and that it in no way reduces the importance of that love. I love Alexi, but I love Terren, and Raul as well. Just in different ways. Alexi is the man that I can never have, but one that I know will always care for me. Terren is the man that maybe if things were different, I could have been with.

    Raul is the one that I will spend my life with, for as long as we have together. I love him, for who he is, and for what he means to me. A chance at a normal life, a chance at love, and a family. To be a person apart from my father, and all the hate that remains there.

    I want to take his name as mine, but he won't tell me what it is, or if he even has one. Heh, I guess that's who he is. Always playful, always an angle to work with. I know he'll keep me on my toes. I also know that Brandobaris would approve of him.

    A man to share my road with.


  • The Seventh of Eleint, 1511 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Well, I'll put this one down to my own stupidity. Died again, thought I was tougher than I really am. Didn't retreat when I should have. Guess I've learnt my lesson from that one.

    Anor and Marty brought me back, I think it's going to take me quite a while to shake this feeling of weariness. Raul will be upset, I know it. Got to be more careful, take the time to think more about things.

    Good news though, I got the silver shortsword for the enchantment. I was in Norwick, having helped defend the town against an attack by the Hungry One. Master Z was there, so I asked him about the sword for Raul, as well as Terrens sword, and a set of gloves to be enchanted for myself. Turns out that Maythor left behind the silver swords I was after, without even knowing that I wanted them.

    Paid a fair price for them too, much fairer than what some folks would have expected from the Union.

    I spent some time with Marty, helped her get some hides to make into tents, for when the refugees come. If it's not this time, it will be another time, so they won't go to waste.

    For now, I'm waiting in the Farscout office, hoping to see Raul soon. They told me he's out on patrol again, scouting out the woods. He's always out there, looking for enemies. He does a good job, but I do hope he'll be home more often once we're married.

    My thoughts are a little disorganised, I'll try to focus more later. For now though, I need to take a nap, and wait for him.

    He'll be here soon, I know it.


  • The Twentyninth of Eleasis, 1511 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    The last few days have been very eventful. One sad event, and one very happy one.

    Raul and I are to be wed.

    I should start at the start though.

    I was up in the Giantspires, training with the Winterwolves. I had just run in to a group of three winterwolves, and a worg, when I lost consciousness. I don't know how, or why, or what happened, but when I came to, it was to find that they had chomped on me good and proper. I tried to turn and run, tried to drink an invisibility potion, but thw worg got in a lucky hit, and I passed out for good, bleeding out on the ground.

    I don't remember what happened in the fugue, but I do know that when I woke up, I was in the Temple of the Triad. Wog had found me, and brought me back. He was his cheery self, as always, gave me back my things with a smile, and went on his way.

    I feel… diminished, weaker. I know that I can train and recover what I've lost, but that takes time, and energy. It's depressing. And yet this time, I know I was desperate to come back. I'm not alone anymore, and I don't want to leave him behind.

    I spent some time in reflection, in the city. I didn't want to go out alone again, I know that I'd have done something rash, and possibly died again. Instead, I waited for Raul.

    I didn't have to wait long.

    I found him in the commons, after I had a nap. He was sitting with Chasen, Terren, and Alicia. Wog came after a while, too. Alicia wanted to see some more of the realm, so they were working out where to go next.

    Whilst they were talking about that, I asked Terren about getting a sword enchanted for Raul... which shocked my honey. He hadn't expected it. Told Terren I'd spend twenty thousand on it. For that kind of coin, I know I'll be getting the best sword that money can buy.

    I told Raul what happened to me, in the wolves. He got really upset about it, so much so that he went off and kicked the stone wall, as hard as he could. Poor dear, I think he broke something he kicked it so hard. A healing potion later though, and he was okay. I think it was his reaction that finally sealed it for me.

    The ettins was the final decision, so we headed out to the Underdark. Seems like I haven't lost my touch, thank goodness. My aim is a little off, and it's harder to sneak around at the moment, but I know it'll come back with time.

    We killed all the ettins we could find, and at the end of it, we found a cave to rest in. There, Raul and I sat and cuddled, and talked, and played. He finally told me that he loved me, there, surrounded by cold stone walls, a campfire burning quietly in front of us.

    As we walked out, hand in hand. we talked and played some more. Finally, when we got outside, he said that he wanted to marry me, but he would need to find a ring first, one that is worthy of my beauty. He wants the sword I'm getting made for him to be in place of a wedding ring, he wants it to say "Marie" along the blade. I like the idea, I think it's an original way to do things, and I know that that blade will never leave his side. There will be times that he will need to take off a ring, for his work, but a sword is always there when you need it.

    I've never been as happy as I was right then, standing in the sunlight, holding him tight. Knowing that he loves me, and that I love him, and that everything happens for a reason.

    I don't think I'd have seen my true emotions, without the tragedy that I went through. You only know what you have, when you see how you could have lost it. I'm not going to lose him, I'm going to bind him to me, bind him to my heart and soul.

    I love you, Raul. I will be your wife.


  • The Third of Eleasis, 1511 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    I mastered that technique I was working on… I'm calling it Kiai Shout for now. A simple name for a very complex technique, but it makes it easier to explain when people ask about it, and I know they will.

    It's been an absolute boon against the tougher orcs, and the worgs. They just stand around, stunned by the ferocity of it, and I can happily wail away on them.

    I'm getting stronger again, I can feel it. Like a pool of water, it's beginning to rise up in my spirit. The spirit of water within me talks to me, guiding me, but it also tells me "not yet, not yet". As if it senses what I sense, and feels what I feel. I believe that this bond is a far greater gift than even what Master Dwarf thought it would be.

    Since he's been gone, it has been the thing that has kept me focussed, and on the right path. Always striving forwards, aiming for perfection.

    I guess it does prove the truth though, in what my father said. And yet, it also proves the wisdom in working with others. A single strand is easily torn, a cord of three strands will stay the test of time. For now, I'm going to go with the kind option, rather than the harsh one.

    It is something though, that I've reflected on lately. The dark words that are spoken by nay-sayers and pessimists, are often true, just twisted to see the worst of everything. Yes, one day the world will be covered in darkness. One day, everyone you love will be dead. And yet, that is not
    the end of it.

    It is always darkest before the dawn, and death comes to all, in time. Death though, is not a punishment, it is a release of burdens and pain, of sorrow and heartache.

    I think that there are two parts to every truth, and sometimes we can't see both at the same time. My mother saw the good, my father, the bad. Together, they could forge ahead, and yet over time she has been worn down by him.

    I try to see the whole picture, as much as I can. To dismiss something offhand because it seems ill-wrought, or evil, is to ignore the potential for good, for redemption.

    Some say that Oscura is an evil city, filled with evil people whose every desire is evil. And yet, they know nothing of the daily struggle of the normal citizen, to make ends meet, to survive. It is no different to the lives of those in Peltarch, or Norwick. They cannot control the whims of their rulers, and they often have no way out of their situation.

    I have seen more even handed judgment from their officials than I have from either Peltarch or Norwick. Sentences passed without regard for good or evil, merely law. Without favour, or preference.

    That, to me, is admirable.


  • The Twentysecond of Flamerule, 1511 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Sunny

    Things are going really well for Raul and me. We don't get to spend as much time together as I'd like, but that's kind of expected with our jobs. I think that he feels the same way that I do too… we just haven't said it yet.

    Love is a funny thing, you know. I always thought that it was all straight forward, clear cut. Concise. You either loved someone, or you didn't. But then, as I got older, I realised that there are many different kinds of love, and that even with the same type of love, that you can love people in different ways. And none of this in any way diminishes what you feel.

    I do love Raul. I can say that honestly. But, Alexi is still in my heart, in a different way though. One is the man that I will marry some day, and be with, until death do us part. The other is someone that I will never forget, and never let go of, even though I know we likely won't ever be together.

    My first love.

    And now, I have Raul. He makes me happy, makes me smile. Makes me want to dance. I feel safe with him, and I want to be with him, for as long as we have.

    There's a tinge of sadness to it for me though, because I know that short of death in combat, I will outlive him. One day he will die, and I will remain, as timeless as I am now. I haven't told him that yet, not sure when I will, or how to broach it.

    Heh, for that matter, I still don't know his family name, if he even has one. Probably should ask him that soon. We've spent a lot of time together talking about this and that, doing different things together, but some things just haven't come up.

    I haven't told him about my family, or my childhood, or for that matter, anything about Alexi, other than that he's a dear friend.

    I guess that's one of the things I love about Raul. He's not worried about the past, or the future. He lives in the here and now.

    Here and now, there's no-one else I'd rather be with.


  • The Tenth of Flamerule, 1511 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Today was an interesting day, first I've had in a little while. I got to help with the destruction of some vampires, and the capture of one of their masters servants.

    I won't go into details, suffice to say we staked two of them in their coffins, and we should be able to get some information know on one of the stronger ones, which is always handy.

    It was interesting though, to see the different reactions of people.

    Inside the house we stormed, there was a trio of prisoners. One of them died from an explosion, but we were able to save two of them. Lycka and Belma'r were determined to get the prisoners outside to safety,where others only wanted to rush ahead and confront the baddies.

    I can understand both points of view. Do you help the prisoners, and possibly allow the vampires to escape? Or do you go for the vampires, and leave the prisoners to whatever the fates have in store for them?

    If it was up to me… I'm honestly not sure what I would do. I'd love to do both, but that's not always an option. We were lucky this time, that we COULD do both. But what if, in the future, I'm in some deep, dark cave on a mission, and I find a prisoner. I can either quit my mission there and then to save the prisoner, get them out of the cave to somewhere safe, or I can leave them, and complete what I came to do.

    Do I do what is the good thing, or do I do my duty? Which is a greater duty then? Is there such a thing as a small evil to do a great good? Or is that the way to damnation? Where does compassion come into valour?

    What if my mission is to stop someone or something evil? A ceremony perhaps, that will bring suffering to many. Is it worth a life to prevent that suffering? And at what point do you draw a line in the sand, and say that this loss is not acceptable?

    It feels to me that most people will happily sacrifice someone else that they don't know, but if it was a friend they would drop everything to help them. And I'm not sure if that's the right way to do things. Even the badguys help out their friends.

    Being good is about more than self-justification. It's more than doing the right thing. It's about doing the right thing, even when it hurts. Even when it makes your life harder, and can cost you friends, relationships, even your life.

    Good is about putting the needs of others ahead of yourself.


  • The Twentyeighth of Kythorn, 1511 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    The Hungry One seems to have gone quiet. I haven't heard of any attacks in months, no signs of snow, no signs of undead in the woods. I'm beginning to worry that he's marshalling his forces for some kind of all out assault.

    No word has come to me from any of my sources about any real troubles in the realm of late either. Other than the pages, most things are quiet. The cultists haven't chased me in a long while, no pirates or slavers or renegades playing in the Misty Caves, no undead with strange messages or stranger associates.

    Maybe there's some huge shift happening, something beyond the ken of mortals. Maybe a god or goddess has stepped in, to bring peace for a time, to allow people to gather their wits, and reorganise themselves. Everyone does need a break every now and then.

    I've even found folk willing to make some nice things for me. An amulet to help me blend into my surroundings, and a ring to soften my footstops. They will help tremendously with my work, and with my survival.

    Marty's recently decided to issue some new trinkets to help the Sisters out. We're going to have to give the old ones back soon, but not before we all decide on what the new ones need to be. Apparently there's a mage who's willing to take our old goods and make us all new ones, for no cost! Of course, we need to pay the Sisterhood a holding fee, but that's only fair.

    I might end up with some nice dancing slippers, and even better gloves than I have now. I will miss my healing rod though, it's always been a handy thing to have, especially with how often I use it on others. He said that he can make gloves that help with natural healing, so I guess that's better than nothing.

    So maybe this lull in activity is really just a time for resting, recouperating, and reorganising. Afterwards, a lot of folk will be refreshed and re-energised, ready to take on anything that comes their way.

    Me? I'm trying to get in as much training as I can, while I have the time. I need to be stronger, faster. I need that edge. I have to find it. To be able to run along a knifes edge between the living and the dead, to be fast enough to slice time. To be sharp, to possess that sharpness.

    To be a weapon.


  • The Second of Kythorn, 1511 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Peltarch
    Weather: Raining

    Things are just not happening with the Sisterhood, so I've decided to put alot of work into it again, see what I can do. I don't want to be the only person making things happen, but unless I can find another like Shade then I guess I might just have to deal with it.

    I've spoken with Elidur about organising a fashion show, with dinner and dancing afterwards. Reri started planning this a long time ago, back before the plague, but it all fell by the wayside when things got bad. After that, she had to go away for a while, and now she's wandering again… I'm hoping that if I do get this up event organised, that she might come along and have some fun. I'd love to introduce her to Crux, I think the two of then would strike it off well.

    I've also been working on designs for a new dress for the Sisterhood, and maybe some new colours. The red has to stay, but I'd like to get rid of the black. It just feels so sinister. Plus, the spikes on the sleeves don't portray the image we want to make public. I've done a few mockups for the ladies to look at and think about. Some time in the future, we'll have a decision. And then we can show them off at the fashion show!

    The most expensive thing though, is thoughts of the future. What will we do if Norwick falls? We need somewhere to take our ladies in that situation, and at the moment, we have nowhere. I've started enquiries into buying a tavern in Peltarch, and adapting it for our own usage, as well as tidying it up a bit. Even if Norwick stands for a thousand years, it would be good to have some property here as well as there.

    I'll probably end up putting a lot of my own money into the inn, if we can proceed with it. The Sisterhood coffers aren't brilliant at the moment, and I have more coin than I know what to do with anyway. Better that it go to a good cause, than sit in my account and gather dust.

    I can earn it all back anyway, if I need.


  • The Fifth of Mirtul, 1511 by Dale Reckoning

    Location: Norwick
    Weather: Raining

    Things are feeling strained a bit for me at the moment. I feel like… I'm not trusted. And it hurts.

    I've been doing a lot of work with the Order of the Watchful Repose. Lately, I've been looking into this issue of pages and locks. There's a lot I can't write down here, in case anyone ever finds it, but I can say a little.

    The pages need to be brought together, and used to seal what was broken. The undead want to use them to make the seal be permanently destroyed, and we want to close it up for good. And here's where it gets tricky.

    Lord Gallows, of Oscura, also wants the pages. He says he wants to close the seal as well, says it's for the good of Oscura, and the realm in general. Senria believes him, and is working with him to that end.

    I was working with the two of them, with the aim of removing a source of undead. And now, Ronan and Aelthas have spoken against my judgment. Both of them believe that we can't trust Senria to do what is right in this situation.

    Personally, I think they're both sore over what happened with Linn, and they're taking any chance they can get to make life hard for Senria, blaming her for what happened.

    I have to say though, Senria has been nothing but kindness to me. She has offered me whatever assistance I need, taken the time to speak with me when I've asked it, given me what information she could. On the flipside, Ronan and Aelthas seem determined to ignore me when they can, insult me and my honour, and undermine what I do and say. They don't even share information unless they absolutely have to.

    I handed the issue with the pages over to them to handle, seeing they don't want to let me do things my way, the way that was getting results. They want to bypass Senria, and deal directly with Gallows. Gallows can't be trusted, but Senria can. She would kill him, before she would allow him to harm Oscura. And she would act with honour, not out of greed, like he would.

    Sometimes, I wonder why I bother.