3. Danika's Disorganized Diary

Danika's Disorganized Diary


  • What follow are some of the various scribblings on the many pieces of paper accumulating in Danika's pockets. Some are written in a neat and embellished hand, some in a hasty scrawl. Some are diary entries, some are notes, and some are halves of conversations. Not all of these remain on her person.

    @80d8c54980:

    Danika [smudge] just not very good [smudge] A LANGUAGE FOR HANDS! Need to find way to Oscura. Underground city. Woman named Coin? I'm already forgetting! Good thing I have paper. Must remember to thank elf woman for it. Vallis?

    @80d8c54980:

    SO FRUSTRATING. Wish I was faking it like mother said. So hard to make them understand even if I think I know how to show it. Worse with more people. Can't think fast enough and someone else speaks. Just speak what's on their mind like it's nothing. Why did it have to be me?

    @80d8c54980:

    Should have asked what she wants
    bad sign
    retrieved or stolen?
    If we don't, she will find someone who will. Maybe someone who would hurt innocents.
    Give me time to think
    Mithral Mug. Oscura. Marshal.


  • "It's the law."

    I don't know if it's the worst excuse but it feels like it when people do say it. A new greencloak, the one Ael'Que is seeing, Esmeralda, she said it last. Loc sent her and another youngblood to bother Elva outside the crafter's hall over wearing a helmet in town. I failed to stop Loc and Kence before when they took her helmet, but this time I kept them away until I could convince Loc to let it go. (I think it helped that Loc acts like I still have a rank in the militia around the greencloaks.) When Loc let her go, he said something that stung. That if I was going to interfere I should find out what's wrong with Elva. I said something to Loc about how I was more worried about him, how he's been getting angrier, but I was so flustered I had to run away.

    I was happy it worked. It wasn't as extreme as Ronan's situation. I wished so hard that I could do something to help there. I'm glad Ronan was given such a fair sentence. It gives me a little hope for the town. The Herald was talking with Loc so much I was afraid things would only get worse.

    I keep finding myself arguing these things though. Honor, valor, codes, laws. They're all just made up, but people let them get in the way of doing good. I don't understand it. All made up, but everyone acts like they're powerless to change these things. Like a law would still exist if no one followed it, like a law is more than just some words somebody said once.

    It's exactly like the Hoarans and their talk of "tresspassing." They have just as much claim as Norwick to make laws but other people see through the nonsense with them. But that's all a mess. At the Phoenix meeting Fadia mentioned that they might be mind controlled by a mage, but everyone ignored me when I said we should find proof. I don't think it takes magic to make people fear each other, attack each other. The Hoarans feel wronged, so they've made up reasons to stop caring about other people. But it doesn't matter what their leaders tell them, each of them is responsible for what they do. Actions matter.

    I feel like I could make the Hoarans an example. They're putting something made up - "territory," "revenge" - above other people. I need to figure out who I can trust and do something about it. Everyone wants to believe it's more complicated, that because one group of Hoarans might want to be nice excuses the ones who choose poorly. I don't think it's complicated at all. People should be able to walk the road freely.


  • I knew sooner or later I was going to get caught disobeying an order. I joined to help Norwick, but I always did what I wanted to do. No one seemed to notice, or when they did they let it drop. I kinda knew it wouldn't last, but I figured it would be me who screwed up.

    I never thought I'd quit over orders given to someone else. Cutting off someone's hand over an insult. What sort of horrible leader does that? That sounds like something they'd have made up back home to make other lands sound evil. Brendel tried to pass it off like it was nothing, just a hand. But it's not about that. I'm glad he's ok and Adriell healed him, but Dwin crossed a line. I don't want to be associated with that and I definitely won't take orders like that.

    I feel bad for Albryanna. I wanted to turn my cloak over to Dwin, but he was already gone. I saw her sitting by herself or with Rain, but I didn't know what to say. Hopefully Thorn's found a way. He's better at that even if he doesn't think so.

    Jerrick was talking about us being under his command. His Wolves. I hope he doesn't push it. I don't know if I want to deal with that right now.

    I wonder how the people would've handled this? Maybe I'll talk to Horlamin.


  • I'm not going to be afraid of a drawing. I'm not.

    It was just a drawing. Even if it was me. They can't magic me away with a drawing or they would have by now.

    I'm not going to be afraid of that thing in my head either. It couldn't do anything but send harpies, and I can hide from them. I can hide from the ghost wolves too.

    Jerrick, Adriell, and Horlamin had some disagreements outside the gates, and when I saw Jerrick walk off alone I followed. I half wanted to be there for him and half just curious. It seems like everyone else goes to him for advice, so I wondered where he went. Turned out to be to write alone near the misty pond, so I bought some fresh pastries and sat down to listen. We were interrupted one by one by Vash, some cleric or paladin named Rith, Tindra, and Soliel. Well. Mostly interrupted by Vash and Rith having a misunderstanding that they really didn't need to drag anyone else into it. It was ridiculous. Even when they apologized they tried to justify everything they were apologizing for. If I ever do that may the gods take my voice back.

    I keep feeling the pull to go walking again. Sometimes I'll just feel trapped. Like they day when Clay gave Locrian a potion which made him act weird and Soliel started asking questions and telling me to “just talk.” She's always so upset about being forgotten or abandoned, I couldn't let myself walk away like I wanted. She ended up leaving first. I felt bad but felt worse for realizing I really would have felt better if I'd walked away.

    Why are people so messy?


  • A hasty scrawl dominates a page, the line plummeting wildly when it nears the edge.

    It snowed after the attack was done.


  • Oops sorry it's 😞


  • Rain came back and asked if anything was new. I said no. But the truth is everything's been changing.

    A huge group went to the Abyss to rescue Benji. The Legion was supposed to be leading, but everything was awful. The group just stumbled through dragging their feet and acted like they needed someone to tell them do their job. And if that wasn't enough, the demons magicked up more confusion and spider webs. I started to question whether one person was worth all the pain. I kept thinking back to an argument I had with Benji outside Norwick.

    A Legion private or recruit was wearing a helmet she had specially made. Benji thought it looked silly and ordered her never to wear it again. It made me mad that he would use his position to insult her like that. Whatever they swear to when joining, that sort of thing's just not right. So I stood up for her. It went nowhere, but when I tried to stop, it hurt - like the unspoken words were burning my chest. But it made no difference.

    When I couldn't speak, I didn't realize how little people listen to one another. I thought it was just me they ignored.

    Like when another group went to help some magic girl Thorn knows. It was just as bad, but not nearly as long. Half the time I scouted ahead, someone would try to follow - probably thinking I was in danger - and then they'd be spotted and it would nearly ruin everything. At one point, I went ahead and cleared some traps. I came back and said so… And of course the group went the other way and triggered a trap. Dash was the one who got hurt. She snarled something in Elven. I don't know what it was, but I probably agree.

    Maybe it's all those years of not being able to ask questions, but it seems so much easier to me to watch people and anticipate. Cover what they don't cover. It's like fighting someone and looking for their weaknesses. Except it's your friends, so you put yourself between the enemy and their weaknesses. No need for orders. Just people doing what they personally do best. Like Yngdír said of me.

    And Yngdír... I guess my words get me into trouble too. We were making fun of him. Clay said something about Yngdír scaring children. Yngdír gave him a hard stare and walked off. I apologized later, but Yngdir didn't respond except to give me an apple.

    The Wolves have been arguing lately. Some think it means we're falling apart, but I don't know. I think it just shows how well we work together. We have different reasons, different opinions, but we mostly want the same things. That's a lot better than the Legion way. In my mind.

    Anyway. Blah blah blah.

    (P.S. I'm stronger now. Also I think I know what to do next. Maybe.)


  • _It's done.

    It was the happiest moment of my life.

    I wanted to write "the happiest moment of my life so far," but I can't think of anything that will ever make me happier. I can talk again. After years and years of waiting, suffering, and trying anything at all that might help. I sound awful, like every word is my last word, and it hurts most of the time too. I can't make all the sounds right either, but I can talk.

    It's funny. I worried so much about what my first words would be. Rasuil, Dash, and Yngdír were there. In the end I just said their names, "hello" and "thank you" to Jerrick. There was so much more I wanted to say, but I couldn't even manage all of that before my voice faded. It's getting a little stronger, but I still have to be careful not to say too much. I guess there will be plenty more time to tell everyone what I want to, if I can even find the words to do it.

    I owe Jerrick so much. He will try to tell me I don't, that he did to see me smile or out of duty to the Wolves. So I will have to make it up to him in little ways. I put my life and future in his hands, and he did exactly what he promised, with humility, without holding it over me. I wonder if he even knows how rare it is to find someone like that. Maybe he just expects everyone to behave that way.

    Looking back through this diary, so many pages are about how frustrating life has been. Even the thing that made me finally leave for the Den to be healed. Some of the Legion were talking about who to promote, and Troff was brought up. Benji said something about not promoting him until he learned to read. It made me mad. Why would that matter? I wanted to ask a million questions, but all I could do was give him a sour look. He tried to defend himself by saying Troff was just lazy. That made me angrier. It made me think of momma, accusing me of faking my silence. Or the witches treating me like I was stupid even after saying I had a talent for magic. Or the way people back home wouldn't let me help, would treat me like a child.

    "I'm stronger now."

    That's what I wrote a few pages back. That's what I want to write on every page after this. It's time for everything to change. No more excuses._


  • _So I was being stupid, and I got caught.

    A long time ago, Miss Nyda told me how she'd go about healing me, but I haven't seen her in so long. It sounded so easy though. I guess I thought maybe I could do it if I was fast enough. So I tried to practice.

    I knew it was stupid, but everything's been so frustrating lately. If I want to tell anyone anything, they have to look at me. Or someone has to be there who knows sign or can read. If I whistle a warning, people think I'm in trouble. People always think I'm the one in trouble. It makes me feel so small, and I don't want to feel like that ever again.

    I don't know what Jerrick thought I was doing, but I think he understood once I explained. He wants to help at least. He'd be the second in a long time. Miss Nyda was the first who didn't sound like she was trying to sell me something or make me work for her forever first. She actually sounded like she knew what she was saying._


  • A furious scribbled cloud of ink tops the page.

    _I don't even want to name her name. I still have nightmares about what she did. Why are they helping her? Why does it matter so much to me that they are?

    Because some things are above second chances. Because there was nothing I could do back then. Because I was scared.

    I'm stronger now._


  • _Well imagine that, diary. You were exactly where I left you behind those shelves at the Grapevine. Maybe you take after me in the hiding part. Not sure where you get the staying in one place part. (Except - you know - from being a book.) Anyway, I have a locker in the barracks now, so no more hiding for you.

    Lots has happened since I wrote all that stuff about my blood. I went walking again. This time I kinda "woke up" near the glacier's edge so I kept going. I found a tribe, Angulutiuns I think, and followed their trail for a while. Just stayed between them and the horizon. Their scouts and I got close enough where we could see each others eyes a few times. They left some caribou meat for me, but never invited me to the fire. So I left.

    I've been back in Norwick for a while now, but I keep thinking about family and home and what they mean to me. For the longest time I felt like I had none. Once I realized my real family was just wrong about me and what I could do, I didn't feel like I even needed one. I guess I saw it as a chore. I didn't really expect those Angulutiuns to just accept me, but I guess I didn't know how it'd go. So I stayed at a distance.

    A couple of things have changed though.

    I met a druid of Auril. I forget what tribe he said he's from. Frostdusk? It was strange to see that part of my life appear here in Norwick. We talked as best we could. He was all full of questions I couldn't answer about momma's people. I was almost embarrassed by how settled I am into town life.

    A few nights after that, the Wolves accepted Feather into the pack while we were all gathered around the fire. Some of them like to seem quiet and distant, but that night they were all open and talking. Well… most of them were at least once. Seeing them like that, I think I realized what they've meant by "family." I forget who said what, but someone said they'd be willing to die for the rest of us and another asked if they were willing to live for the rest of us as well. Family isn't really a chore. Some of them described it like work, but I think it's more like we all realize who the others are or who they want to be, and we give them room to be that while still being there to help or listen when we're needed.

    I don't think Jerrick realizes how important he is to the group. One or two of the others could lead for a while but they'd all bump heads. And then while they argued, some of us would just disappear, like we do. But Jerrick is like Albryanna and Locrian all at once, both the heart and the mind for getting things done right. Maybe it's better that he doesn't realize it.

    Before all that Locrian and the Militia had a falling out, but he came back. I told him the youngbloods needed him. Later, when he decided to come back, he told me he needed them too. I'm glad he said that. No one else in the Militia makes you feel like the people mean something to you. I wish I could be like that, but it's hard to get the recruits to respect me.

    Anyway, it's almost dawn._


  • _Dear diary,

    I don't know why it is, but I'm terrified of things I can't see. You'd think having seen dragons, dracolichs, and all sorts of things that I'd be more scared of big things or magic. But I'm not. It's the things that you don't know whether they're there right next to you.

    I know it seems even sillier because I hide so well. A long while back, one of those snake people appeared in Peltarch and said things that made it clear she'd been watching me. I never even knew she was there or any others. Not once. I woke up scared every night for weeks feeling like something was watching in the room. How do you even hide from something you can't see? I hate going into the woods where the ghost wolves are for the same reason. You can't know whether they're a mile away or an inch from your nose until they jump on you.

    When we went into the woods after an attack on Norwick, it was like all the goblins had disappeared. I couldn't find any trace of what had happened. It was the scariest thing I'd ever seen. Or not seen.

    I think the only thing I like less is being invisible myself, but that doesn't scare me as much. I just don't like not being able to control whether I'm seen or not. What if I fell? Or choked? Thinking about being in trouble and invisible seems worse than dying._


  • _Dear diary,

    I took a walk. That's why I haven't written in a while. Also, I couldn't remember where I hid you.

    Chasen asked me where I was, and it was harder to explain than I thought it would be. One day, I started walking. When I was tired, I made camp. When I woke, I started walking again. It was like I wasn't myself for a while. It was like I was just a part of the woods. Not exploring them, just walking them like I'd always done that. Then the woods ended and the snows began, and I became part of that too.

    It wasn't even like I was running away. More like I just had to keep moving for a while, but I don't know why.

    So much has changed here, but so much is the same. I think I'm going to find a new hiding place for you. The sisters are talking about making people wear those ugly robes in town. That just feels like too much. I guess that's a silly reason to quit.

    The Hungry One… I don't want to write about that now._


  • _Dear diary,

    I died again. It wasn't so bad. We were in Risha's caves and I was listening at the door while others searched the room. A bugbear ran right at me so I pulled out my swords and stabbed it. I don't think I lasted one hit once it turned on me.

    Malika and another were already waiting in the misty place. It remember it was nice to talk again, but I never remember what I sound like. I woke up in the druid glen. Everyone was going on about the treasure they found, but I just wanted to go lie down. So I did._


  • From random scraps to a compact leather-bound book…

    _Dear diary,

    I've never kept a diary before. Sometimes I wrote my thoughts down, but I lost them or threw them into a fire. Momma would say I'm like the wind and not the ice. Always changing. I don't feel the same two days in a row. I need to write though, even if I will want to tear it up later. I don't know who else I can share all of this with. I don't even think I can write everything here in case it's found.

    I'm a halfblood, but I never felt kinship with my momma's people even though they were always around in the village to trade. Villagers always talked about halfbloods feeling a pull to the glacier. One day they'd leave all their tools and work behind and just not be there any more. If you saw them again, they'd be one of the people and you'd never know they'd been anything else by the look in their eyes. I've seen it happen twice. I didn't believe I'd ever feel it, but I do now.

    Yesterday an arrow nearly cut my cheek. It had words carved into it.

    BLOOD OF THE NORTH CANNOT HIDE. WE WILL FIND YOU IN THE END AND YOUR FATE SHALL BE A THING OF PAIN.

    That's what it said. I kept it to myself. Like I do everything.

    Why do I feel kinship most when it threatens me? Maybe it's because I'm alone. Maybe it's because I think I can help. The Hungry One seems alone too. He's acting jealous and lashing out. I think he's been confused by those other gods, the dead ones. They aren't of the people.

    I hear others are torn between hunting him and helping him. I think I know how to help, but I'm going to have to try alone. No one else will understand._


  • @e8a369e45d:

    It made me. Oh goddess. It hurt.

    [A furious cloud of thick scribbling follows.]

    @e8a369e45d:

    A ghost caught me in the woods. Made it so I couldn't move. She took names from me. Hurt me if I didn't cooperate. I think yours was one.

    I was hunting beetles. She just appeared around a corner. Chased me. Arrows did nothing. Looked like human woman. Caught me outside Norwick with a spell. Used magic whip to hurt me.

    No name. Said I commited crime but didn't say what or when.

    I think she thinks I hurt her or her family. Not sure. No idea when she was alive.

    She wanted my family and friends.

    Never again. Not near the graveyard. I was so afraid.

    @e8a369e45d:

    [A butterfly shaped smudge, as if the paper was folded while the ink was wet.]

    Nervous about job with Marshal. And Coin. Don't know others well or trust them. Story about giant worshiping dwarf god seemed very wrong. Story about succubus becoming paladin even more strange. Lost for centuries? What are we to do? Not that good of a tracker. Good money though. Bought better sword for left hand and potions.

    @e8a369e45d:

    She killed them. All of them. (I'm sure.) They were slow. Weak. We could have left and not hurt anyone. Maybe they would catch others, maybe not. Think they just wanted Jaal. (Jail?) Won't go anywhere with her again. No one else did anything. The priest only commented like he didn't care if it was right or wrong.

    @e8a369e45d:

    I died today.

    I am trying to sleep right now, but I can only think about today.

    I want to be dead again.

    We found demons south of Norwick. One made it so I couldn't move or see. Then I woke up in a gray place. The druid (Jared?) said I was in fugue plane. There was a skeleton there. At first I was afraid, but everything was peaceful and quiet. Except me.

    I could talk. Something about my soul not being hurt like me. I don't even remember what my voice sounded like. Seems like a dream, but I don't even talk in those anymore.

    When the woman brought us back, I couldn't talk anymore. I was so angry and sad. She thought I was thirsty. It hurt more than ever, but only in my heart. It's ok to not have something if you never really had it. But to lose something you had even for a short time, that hurts even more.

    I can't stop thinking about how gray and calm everything was. I keep asking myself why I came back. Maybe I wanted to believe I was healed for good. I still want to say goodbye to everyone.

    Met two generals in Legion. One was very friendly. Elf woman. need to remember to thank cleric who brought me back. If I can figure out how.

    I'm too afraid to do anything. Maybe I can sleep now. Want to believe I'll feel better in the morning.