3. Under the Moon - Memories of a Selunite

Under the Moon - Memories of a Selunite


  • Losing the Battle

    _I didn't go into details of the laughter in my head, the time under the tree with Gaerielle. I'm not sure myself what it really means, being a werewolf, the struggle within is all new to me. Tindra is a good guide, as she is a lycanthrope as well, but her change was magical in nature.. not exactly the same as mine.

    I'll try to explain the best I can..

    Back when Kara betrayed us, Jerrick was with her. The hurt of her betrayal hit us all hard, but him the hardest. I remember him letting go, letting the beast inside out, to run free, to have no concern but the kill. No longer human, no longer a wolf even, he was a murdering beast, wanting nothing but the taste of blood. He wasn't our friend any longer.

    This is what confusion and sadness lead too.. this is what I'm in danger of becoming.

    Hearing Jerrick laughing in my head, the memories of what he became has me scared. I might become that if I'm not careful. A murderous, blood thirsty monster, with one purpose.. to hurt everything around me. To kill everything I hold dear and to feast upon it, like they are cattle for the slaughter. A caged animal is dangerous, it wants out and it will go to any extent to get it's freedom.. back a wolf into a corner, it will come snapping and snarling and will lunge for your throat.

    My thoughts that day keep me strong, the fear blazing inside of me keeps my mind sharp, ready for any moment when the beast will want out.. always remember that it hides within, waiting for it's chance..

    I was hungry after the change, my mind went gray.. I tried to push it all from my mind while resting my head in Gaerielles lap.. then it hit me suddenly. I may become a monster.. but I can also help to keep my pack strong, I could change them..

    That was the beast talking inside.. how could I even think such a thing? Turn my wife, my children.. my friends that belong to my pack, how could I think something so disgusting? I kept telling myself I was a fool, I was a coward and that if I even think that thought again.. I will end my life and end the threat. I growled at the beast inside my head.. I forced it away and the thoughts have never returned.. I hope, if we are indeed two different creatures within the same body.. it knows that it's existence depends on those thoughts never coming back.

    Some thoughts are to be expected.. some taunts from within as the beast tries to tempt you to lose control. Other thoughts will not be accepted at all.. I couldn't even look at my children for days after I thought that, I was so disgusted with myself for even allowing it to get those thoughts in my head.

    Time to tend to my prayers.. Selune will guide me through this. I stand in Her light, she brightens me inside and keeps the beast away.. she will be the reason I win this battle.. faith must be kept in my Lady Silver.. faith for the future.. faith for accepting it's apart of me now..

    Always remember what losing the battle means.. what you will become..

    I think I'll try to forget this trouble for a few days.. go for a picnic with Lycka and the pups. I miss Lyckas touch.. I miss our nights spent in each others arms.. but she excites me to much.. strong emotions will bring it out.. caution means I hold back on my urges. A picnic will be fine.. some happiness to mix with the anger and sadness within._


  • Devil's Deal

    _I've mentioned it to people in the past.. a warning of what not to do.

    Investigating something much like a portal in the hills, Lycka was sucked inside while Shannon and I stood helplessly by.. not much I could do I suppose. Lycka was taken to the Hells, needed to make a deal with a devil to get back. Her ring, the one I bought her in Silverymoon when I married Cherry and Aramule. Took her finger with it and her blood.

    I know what such things can do with her blood, her finger and something as close as the ring. I was glad she was safe, but I needed to get that back. I try to protect her too much maybe.. I can't help it. I found the easiest solution to fix the problem, which was my downfall. Taria of all people helped me summon her.. a devil I've known for some time, who I have spoken with on occasion, tried to kill as well.

    Samantha.. the Erinyes. I knew before I even made the deal that it would lead to nothing good, I would risk anything for my love though. My life, my very soul if need be.. so she can live. So I made the deal, I set the terms.. it wasn't forced, I cannot hate Samantha for being what she is, she did nothing but accept -my- deal. I told Lycka, she was furious.. what can I tell her to make her feel better? Nothing. I'm going to the Hells for six months, a slave to an Erinyes. I think to myself, I've been through torture before, what can they do to me that I haven't had happen before? Little did I know.. she knew the way to hurt me more than cutting me into pieces.

    It took me some time to get my memories back after I returned after my half a year there.. when I did remember, I wish I would have forgotten again. Where I thought I'd be tortured with pain, I was instead tortured with seduction. Lycka felt it all through our bond.. she wanted me dead.. the dreams of the Wolf slaughtering me and the Erinyes were clear in my mind.

    For the first few months, I resisted.. grudgingly giving Samantha what she wanted.. me. Our nights spent together disgusted me. Lycka feeling it all as Samantha had her way with me. After that.. a man's mind breaks, he accepts his place in it all. I gave in, perhaps a bit to easily? I began enjoying it.. was it her magics that made me do so? She was beautiful, despite being a devil. After awhile, I began to take her.. with all the passion I could build up.. the tricks of a devil. Seduction, Samantha has had years to practice it and she is good at it.

    Months of it, until the end.. the exact day of the six months end. I was sent back, with a smile. I was sent back a broken man.. when I was found in Peltarch, in a back alley, I was in tears, confused as to what happened.. I could feel Lycka a distance off, she was staying away from me, I didn't know why then as my memories weren't back yet, but when I did find out, I couldn't blame her for staying away from me, for being hurt.

    What I lost for my hasty decisions, my deal with the devil.. a part of my soul I will never get back, because of the hurt I caused Lycka and because Samantha has it now. When she broke my will, she took part of me with it. I lost Selune, even she was disgusted with me and I didn't blame her.. I almost lost my Wolf.. that hurt the most. I am nothing without Lycka.. she keeps me from the darkness, she keeps me strong. Without her or Selune, I am a shell..

    I regained Lyckas love, her trust, she is often times a better Selunite than myself I think. She forgives me for all the stupid things I do. That makes me know I am a lucky man to have her. I was forgiven by Selune after a time as well.. I didn't trust in Her.. I put Lycka before my goddess, a failure in Her eyes, ones I understand. But in losing Her, I believe I actually found Her. A story for another time perhaps..

    Take care, the beast is much the same, it will show you things that you will enjoy. The hunt, the kill, losing yourself and being free.. good intentions often have their own hidden devils that one cannot see.

    I cannot fail in such a way again.. forgiveness only goes so far.. find my focus and keep it, push away temptation. I need to find it in myself to forgive my son as well, for what he is.. Baelthas, my half-devil son.. a story for another time.._


  • Trust

    _Of all the people I've told, or who found out somehow, the Divine Shield members often worry me the most. I know we don't always see eye to eye on how things should be done, I have a bit more acceptance in me, I give people more chances. Yet they stood at my side through the devil's deal and my fall from the Moonmaiden.. Shannon and Mariston, knowing what deal I made, still helped me on my quest. Should I be so worried about people finding out what I am? There is much to lose if they don't accept it.. not only for myself, but for my family.

    Ronan, Jerrick, Belia, Tindra, Yana, Raul, Horlamin, Gaerielle, Shannon, Adriell, Attentus, Albryanna, Elena.. I believe the mage Maria knows, her panther familiar doesn't like being around me. It's getting hard to keep track of who knows..

    Yana, Legs as I call her, she is of the Shield.. yet I told her. I always trusted her, I'm not sure why I gave my trust so easily to her. Something about her puts me at ease, makes me feel like I can lower all the defenses I have built up, all the defenses I use to hide my feelings from people. I enjoy our talks together, I am happy she calls me a friend and it does feel nice to be able to open up to someone other than Lycka.. she can't always be around.

    Shannon found out as well, while at the fire of Norwick.. the boar appeared, he came on the trip the boar sent us on, to find a way to control this. I shouldn't have doubted him, but in the end.. if it's friendship or duty, if he sees me as a threat, I think I know what will happen. I wonder if Mariston would help me as well.. or if he would try and destroy me. I know werewolves don't have a good name.. well.. anywhere. I should trust them more.. they helped me after I made a deal with a devil.. why can't I bring myself to feel full trust for them now?

    Tindra, Jerrick, Ronan.. no doubt in my mind where their feelings stand on the matter. They are the closest friends I have, if I cannot trust them, who can I trust? Gaerielle as well, but I know, if pressed.. she might break and say something, she is still so fragile, although she has gotten better over the years.. I miss her at times, she has been gone for some time, I hope she is alright.

    The others are close friends I would think, not as close as some.. but we haven't been through as much together. I trust them not to say anything if pressed on the matter. Horlamin being the exception.. Jerrick trusts him, but I find it hard still. Aurilites killed so many of our family.. I know I must forgive them.. but that will take time.

    I'm still sitting back and wondering to myself how the city will react. Will they ban me? Will they hunt me down as a monster? I know they've had Saurials working for them in the Guard, not to mention a kobold at one point. I suppose I'll just need to wait, approach the Senate after I've controlled it.. show them I'm not some beast.. and if I lose, well.. I'll be dead and it won't be a concern I suppose.

    Trust in your friends.. I'm about to tell Maya and Grag as well.. Maya I'm concerned about mostly, because she has a habit of not whispering when she should, always talk straight she says. I like that about her and I've known her a long time, I consider her a friend.. hope I can stress the seriousness of not blurting this out in public. Grag.. well, when the time comes that it becomes public knowledge like everything does in time, I don't want some of his close minded Legionnaires coming to make a name for themselves by getting my hide.. not going to end well if they do. He's the General, he's like my Uncle.. he will understand and hopefully make sure when the time comes, some don't get to crazy.

    Dark thoughts of late, gloomy day.. must be all this rain.. perhaps the beast and I agree on something.. we want the snow back.. enough of this bloody rain. Time to go see the wife and kids, they always bring a smile to my face on these rainy days._


  • Teasing

    _I told Gaerielle about what has happened to me.. she was shocked, although she didn't look at me as if I was a monster, she cares for me, as I care for her. We sat and talked about it for hours.. I'm not sure what set it off just then.. maybe my feelings for Gaerielle.. remembering the moment we shared.. the moment that should have never happened..

    A taunting laughter in my head.. my mind fogging over with darkness. I suddenly heard crying and Gaerielle moved away from me, as my head moved slowly to look at her, it was if she had an aura around her.. a red light, the light feeling like it was pounding inside my ears.. I could smell her blood, the sweet intoxicating smell of it.. it was past midnight, there was no light.. even the moon was covered by clouds.. but I could see her as clearly as if it was daytime. She let out a scream and I could feel my skin stretching, giving way for the beast to come out once again, it felt like something was ripping it's way out of my body as I let out a scream for her to run, she just stood there, shaking and crying.. unable to leave, unsure of what to do.

    I suddenly wanted to hunt.. to kill.. to feast.. and Gaerielle was the closest thing.. I wanted her flesh in my claws, to tear it with my teeth.. to feel the warmth of her blood in my mouth, the last beat of her heart as I tore her throat out..

    The laughing.. who is it? Why won't it stop? So many questions I asked myself in those few moments, yet the answers didn't matter.. focus, find my focus.. more laughing came as I grasped for focus, for control..the laughing seems so familiar..

    Then I had my answer.. Jerrick.. that was the laughter..

    I collapsed after.. whatever is inside, be it beast, curse or infection.. it was teasing me, showing me how good it felt to be a beast, to take down a kill, to taste it as I ate.. I learned that day that I had no control really.. not yet, it could come and go as it pleases and I cannot stop it. I didn't change because it didn't want me to.. it would rather taunt me with the knowledge that I was weak.. that I could be so much more powerful..

    I just stayed there the rest of the night, my head in Gaerielles lap, grasping at images in my head.. images that may be answers as to why Jerrick laughed at me, why he taunted me so much.. he is a friend..

    Isn't he?_


  • Choices

    _I finally sat down with Lycka outside the wall, spoke to her of all the things happening. The mix of emotions I feel from her are overwhelming. I have my own fear, anger, confusion and mixed with it are Lyckas emotions, all the same as mine. She is worried mostly. Her sadness hits me like a dark cloud inside as it comes across the bond, then her fear rises as she knows she might lose me to this.. I did try and get back to take some belladonna when I was bitten, but the werewolf wasn't dead. I couldn't leave it out there to bite someone else, I had no belladonna on me at the time.

    Make a note, it needs to be fresh and it needs to be taken within an hour of infection. People think you can take it before the full moon, not true..

    So now, Lycka supports me, she believes me when I said I didn't purposely get infected. I made that promise to her years ago, when we had Jonni. Even then she knew my duty to Selune, one I took upon myself. To prove that not all lycanthropes are monsters, even werewolves can have good hearts, or at least get past the thirst for blood. The long hours I spent trying to convince people of such.. that werewolves can stay in Her light, follow Her and not give in to the temptations of gods like Malar..

    It's a long hard fight.. she knew I wouldn't cure it if it happened.. I knew it and told her as much.. I question myself if I did seek this out.. but just found a loophole to look innocent..

    I used to bring food to the werewolves outside Jiyyd. Wanted to try and show them a way other than preying on the people in the area. I tried to talk to them on many occasions, only to be attacked. I'm not blinded by my faith, I am not blind to the fact that some cannot fight enough to control it. I have put many down, who later turned into humans, orcs, elves.. it's my duty to the Moonmaiden to stop the spread of this, to fight these creatures when they attempt to harm others. It is also my duty to Her to give a chance to those who I believe can be better than a beast.. it's my duty to see this through to the end, no matter how it ends.

    A young Selunite.. trying to show a better way to those who have strayed into darkness..

    Be ready for it, is what I keep telling myself, the darkness is there, lingering in the distance.. waiting to take you. Lycka has promised if I cannot control it, she will kill me to keep others safe. She will break our bond, suffer the loss of it and likely never recover.. but she'll do it because she knows it needs to be done, she knows it's the price for failure and that I accept it.

    Lycka is stronger than she realizes.. stronger than myself..

    I had a choice to go through with this, even after losing my chance to take the belladonna, there were priests who could have helped. I believe I am strong enough to control this with Selunes light within me, with Lycka at my side, with knowing everything I risk losing if I do not control it.

    Everyone needs to make their own choice in this, but do not think to long.. for when the moon comes out full, your choice is over and the killing will begin.

    Some survive, some do not.. that's the way of things.. but it doesn't mean we don't fight for that survival._


  • Anger

    _People always tell me that I'm angry, I honestly don't know where they get that from. Even when I'm arguing with others, I rarely show any emotion doing so. Maybe it's just easier for them to say I'm angry to justify to themselves that they have an upper hand in an argument. Very few have seen me actually angry and very few ever will. It takes something special to bring out hatred and anger in me.. like the undead.

    As the "curse" progresses, the rage that I've managed to hold down since I was young is slowly starting to push it's way through, to get out. It usually ends with me harming something. It's hard to hold it back when something is helping to push it out, mixing with the confusion and fear also. Even focusing on those bright blue eyes cannot hold it in at times.

    It reminds me of the past, my younger days..

    JoBobsven was sitting under that tree, reading her book as she always did, with such determination to become a user of the arcane. The sun was bright, one of those perfect days, with the cool breeze in the air, animals just waking up after a long winter. As I approached her, she smiled up at me, which always brought a smile to my face, I saw the flash from above.. Taren, that little bastard was in the tree above her and before I could say anything to Jo, she already had ink covering her head, her clothing and her book.

    The anger took me so fast, even when only fourteen winters old. Taren thought he was fast, but he wasn't fast enough and as he jumped down from the tree to escape, I chased him down, pinning him to the ground. All I remember after that, was the bruises on my knuckles, the blood covering my shirt and hands, my mother yelling at me and Tarens mother crying. The look in Jo's eyes, she seemed afraid of me as she ran off to the Sisterhood.

    Are people not supposed to protect those they care about? I always thought so, but as the years went on, I realized you needed to keep your emotions contained, they couldn't control you. I lost control that day and I almost killed that boy.. who was just being a boy. Maybe part of the anger in me is from my belief that I didn't get a chance to be a proper child.. I was born into blood and battle. Or was it that I chose to be born into such a thing? A question I still don't think I have an answer for..

    A note to all of the cursed.. or blessed as I see it. Avoid the things that make you angry. I know when those I care about are wronged or hurt, I get angry.. but now if I do that, to protect them, I may be the one who harms them instead if I change.

    I couldn't live with myself if I hurt my pups, or Lycka.. any strong emotion is dangerous during this, but anger is the most dangerous.. it fuels the beast inside, it brings out the raw blood lust and instincts that the beast thrives on. I have an advantage.. the anger I've had since I was young.. I've learned to control it through meditation, but even I have moments of weakness.

    Control you anger.. find a focus.. avoid strong emotions. Keep the beast back, push it away and hold it inside.. you need to be in control._


  • The Change

    _What started out to be a routine investigation in the Pass, turned out to be the confirmation of what I knew since the day that orc bit me. A talk with Jonathon in the camp, to discuss some bandit activity around the area.

    The talk was going fine, though my nose started to twitch a bit, I could smell something, but I wasn't sure what it was. Then it really hit, it was like my skin was on fire, my insides were being torn apart. It just hit so fast, my bones were cracking, by Selune.. the pain. I could smell Ronan beside me, the Hoarran in front of me, even though my eyes were shut in pain, my heart pounding in my head. I tried to scream for her, but the words wouldn't come out.

    I only remember flashes of what happened after, blood in the Pass, screams, yet it wasn't me. It was like I was looking through someone other persons eyes.

    Darkness…

    The man was guarding his caravan, yelling out.. "Monster, get away from me"

    Darkness..

    I looked on the ground.. there was blood everywhere.. I didn't do that, did I? I couldn't have..

    Darkness..

    He stood there, his voice deep yet strangely caring.. "You must find your own way out, pup. Find the truth, but do not be caged in your mind, you must find control." He was a wereboar, he spoke.. yet his lips didn't move at all.. it was like a dream..

    Darkness..

    I seemed to "wake" up.. looking around slowly.. I was on a dirt pile.. I was so confused.. I reached my hand out to crawl somewhere.. but it wasn't a hand anymore. Fur.. long fingers ending in sharp claws.. it hadn't ended.. is this real?

    Darkness..

    I tried to cry out.. only a whimpering was heard, I needed to find Lycka, I need her at my side in this.. she is my soul.. I cried out once again and a howl came, it filled my ears.. then suddenly I could feel her, she was there, a soft hand stroking my fur. I turned my head to look up and she giggled at me, taking my large claw in her hand..

    Darkness..

    I woke again to her standing there, smiling at me.. I remember the words coming out, I'm not sure how I did it.. "I need your help love, I need a guide" .. she meowed and sang me a song.. "All you need is to step behind this waterfall" she said to me after the song.

    Looking to my side.. it just suddenly appeared and she led me off to it, I felt at peace, almost remembering the time we spent in the stream by camp, her wearing that white bathing suit.. I couldn't help but grin as she removed her clothes here and stepped into the water, leading me along with her.. but the grin felt odd, like it wasn't meant for my face.. "You smell like a wet dog" ..was all she said when we were in the water.. then she giggled..

    Darkness..

    I woke with my head in Lyckas lap, in the Pass.. Ronan standing over both of us.. as well as Raul. I didn't want many to find out.. to late for that.. time to see if Raul is a real friend and won't speak of it, if he will give me my chance.

    I attacked Ronan it seemed.. I still don't know if the merchant was real or not. That night, I slept well.. I was so tired from the change.. so I slept all the next day, Lycka always at my side.

    Find a focus, push it back.. it cannot win._


  • Beast Orcs

    _In the beginning, I saw him.. or ~it~. He ran up to me but didn't attack right away. He cursed out the name of his orcish god and lunged at me, his putrid breath filling my senses, it burned the eyes.

    I've always been a firm believer in giving a chance, even to the most vile of people. Should I do no less for an orc who is trying to claw me to pieces? I've given orcs chances before to prove themselves, to return to the Light. Needless to say, most have failed, but this was different.. this one wasn't just an orc.

    A touch of Selune is in all of us, we are all Her children in one way or another and she cares for all equally. Yet sometimes, she touches some more than others, then the person needs to live with it, or die from it.

    I ended the orcs life, reasoning with a beast cannot always be done, forgiveness can be given, but sometimes it must be given in death. The numbers started to build, I'd see them in the hills often enough after the first sighting to worry me. It was my duty to Selune to end the threat, either by showing them the Light or by putting them down as beasts.. likely they will be put down, orcs giving in to this is easy for them to do.

    One… two... three.. ten... one hundred, how many would it take before the end came? Would any choose a better way? I truly hope so. It has happened before and I hope it happens more often.

    I chased them down, they attacked as the ones before them, they felt steel and ice as their breath left. I felt bad that maybe I didn't give them as much of a chance as I would a human, but when a beast is combined with a beast.. generally a monster comes from it.

    So it began with the orcs.. I know some can be good, some can pull away from the beast inside and become good people.

    I need to believe that.. find a focus, push it back._


  • Failure

    _I've been through a lot in life, most don't realize it as I've kept a lot of it quiet. Some do, I don't hide it all as much now. People call me an ass at times, I'm fine with that too. They don't really understand what has happened, what has been lost, what has been felt.

    I try to relate what is happening now to what happened back then. The Orc War, my time in Norwick when Corde had control of it. A prisoner to a Sharran, a test of my strength which I failed. After so many months of torture, the negative energy being flooded through me, being cut to pieces only to be regenerated so they could do it again.. a man can only take so much, even one as stubborn as I am.

    I remember when he asked me to tell him everything I knew about the troop placements ready to come down on his bugbear army. I knew that Jonni would have changed our positions around after so long, likely right after I disappeared, just in case. How long had it been? One month? Two? Six? I couldn't tell, the only thing I wanted, was for the pain to stop.. to be finished finally.

    I told him everything I knew to make it stop and so I failed my friends, my home.. the whole land. He gave me my death at last, just to bring me back as an undead abomination to fight my own friends. I woke up a broken shell in the Sisterhood, my mother standing over me.

    The rest of the war wasn't mine to fight, this was the beginning of my fall into myself, holding all my feelings within, hiding the pain I felt… then I'd see her, always smiling, the bright blue eyes framed by the silver hair, she would sit outside that door for hours, peeking in through a crack. Or she'd sneak in when I was sleeping, setting cookies and milk on the table beside my bed.

    Find your focus, push it back. I had mine even that far back, although I didn't realize it. Find it and you will control inside. I cannot fail in this like I have failed in the past._