3. Under the Moon - Memories of a Selunite

Under the Moon - Memories of a Selunite


  • Selune

    So the final stage has come.. I'm to go to my goddess. I feel unworthy of such an honor. Why do I get to be so close to my goddess? Why does she see fit to give me such a gift? I shouldn't question it, I should feel happy that I'm going, the end comes on the moon..

    The plan was simple.. Lycka goes to the Pass and starts to sing, trying to get the attention of the Star Harpy. Ronan sends word when it lands.. I go invisible and leave the city and meet them in the Pass and we go to the moon.. simple, right? It actually was simple for once.. I'm surprised.

    After the short trip.. (Make a note, Star Harpy moves very fast and tends to crash land, much like Firthram) ..we landed on what I saw in my vision, a desert like world. Some normal creatures were there.. things you'd see on our world, some not so normal.. even a dragon. We tried to talk to it..

    "Mmm.. tasty morsels" is all we got.. great, need to kill a moon dragon, some things never change. Luckily Ronan was there, his spells made short work of it and we collected the parts, hoping we could enchant something later, no use letting the body just sit there on the moon, right?

    The strangest part was when we found the pool of water I saw in my vision, there were mad elves all around it, all seeming to have gone crazy. At first we thought the one was going to talk.. he babbled something odd to us then attacked with his friends, the fight wasn't easy either.. tough Touched moon elves. Shouldn't surprise me there would be Touched people on Selune herself..

    Now the pool, it wasn't blue like water.. it was green and Jerrick went in, saying it was poisoned. Was I supposed to go in myself? To many questions, so few answers. In the end, I gave Lycka one last kiss and walked in, hoping it was the right thing.. then I appeared.. behind me. Sort of confusing to see yourself glowing green. Something inside of me told me this would be a fight.. not some simple meeting, the poison inside of me, put there by the Sharran when he tricked me, was coming to life.. it was sort of an internal struggle, a fight outside of my body, to win over my body, to cure myself inside.

    The fight was long, Jerrick seemed to find something in the crates near by as well.. he jumped back into the poison pool and handed it to me, telling me to drink while he took over the fight against.. the other me.

    Not sure how to explain the feeling when I drank it.. I guess it was like my whole body was on fire for a few seconds, then everything just seemed to open up inside me, I could hear the wolf howl in my head.. was it a howl of victory? I'm not sure.. but when I looked at the other me just then.. I let out a growl and it was echoed by a growl inside, I changed.. on my own. I called him out of me.

    Jerrick, Ronan and Lycka.. they stared at me, their weapons ready, Ronans fingers wiggling a bit like he was ready to cast a spell.. but it was me, just in another form and it felt odd.. I just walked up to Lycka and licked her face.. they all seemed to relax then.

    I remember Lyckas smile still.. she knew right away it was done, that I passed Selunes test, that I was in control and the whole way home, sailing through the stars once again, the sight of such a thing before me and all I could think of, was her smile. How proud she felt, how relieved it was done. The effect my Wolf has on me, she is everything to me.. even as I become a werewolf, sail the void, face down dragons, all I have in my mind is her smile.

    Somewhere though, in the back of my mind.. I know it isn't over. Never let your guard down.. never believe it's over. I think the struggle has just begun really.


  • Quiet

    _It's been quiet of late, a few goblin attacks on the south gate, a few personal problems it seems between people which ended in death. Not my concern at the moment, it hurts sometimes to ignore such things.. but I have too much to worry about. I need to find a way to get to Selune when summoned..

    Quiet never lasts it seems.. Sogar, an Oscuran Peacekeeper comes to Norwick, he keeps looking my way.. great, another Oscuran likely looking to attack me from behind like some coward. Then the arguments begin, about him wearing his helm and carrying a sword in Norwick.. then he blurts it out to Eli.. "Do you take orders from a werewolf?". I actually laughed a bit.. these southerners are used to lycanthropes somewhat due to Tindra, I expected some reaction, but nothing like I might receive in the city.

    They casually glance at me, I admit it, they shrug a bit. Then some start pestering the Oscuran.. guess your plan didn't work out Peacekeeper..

    He accuses me, saying Elendel filed a report that I attacked him.. I still laughed, despite already knowing that the elf was trying to bring charges against me in Oscura. Seems the elf has many enemies even down there that will help a Blooded like myself out.. Blooded, I've never broken my oath and they still consider me of that city. I tried to have the title removed, but no answer came.. I'll go talk to them sometime, tell them the truth, under truth magics if needed.. with my helm off, unlike the elf.

    After some time.. all calms down and I'm sitting alone to the north a bit, thinking.. it's time, the Senate must know, I feel they might likely have me gutted on the spot as some beast.. but I wanted them to hear from my own mouth, not by rumor.

    So I make my way north, but my mind keeps drifting from my own life that may shortly be taken.. to Maya. She's still in trouble.. the next story.. I care about her, a lot.. consider her a good friend.

    I hope she is alright. I'll visit her before I tell the Senate._


  • Assassins

    _I thought to take a walk in the Pass the other day, I had no idea it would turn so deadly and interesting. The elf Elendel wanders along in front of me, can always tell the bad apples by their dark, doomy looking, spiked helms. Not to mention the scent of them on the wind. I was tired and content to leave him be for the moment, despite what I hear about him.

    Until he decides to run off.. why is he so nervous and running off from me? Well, let's find out. Sometimes my curiosity leads me places I wish it wouldn't. So I go invisible, giving chase and lose him, until I see him wander out of the trees near the Rat's and Bats. He starts talking to me, so he can see through invisibility, interesting. Potion maybe, or scroll, or maybe some of his equipment. Be curious again to find out. Of course he needs to start threatening me, so I call him a drow, tell him he could ease everyone's fears and just take the helmet off, but he won't.

    Then the boar appears.. another piece to my puzzle. After a short talk, I notice the boars lips moving this time and when asked, he says he has been on this plane too long. Fair enough, I'm no expert on the effects it might have on other planar beings..

    So I drink the potion he offers as a "cure", Aelthas, you idiot. The image of the boar changes to that of a armored man, it's obvious what he is to me. The darkness of a Sharran is fresh in my mind from Corde. As is typical, I give him the chance to come to Selunes light, the elf having gone invisible at the sight of the boar alone, had hoped he ran off. With the Sharrans mocking reply, I attack.. then it comes to me, I thought I could smell something wrong. The elf comes from invisibility to attack me from behind after having prepared with magic to do the attack.

    A short battle that was, as the two of them take me down, the Sharran actually saying he is mine and going to fight the elf, the elf killing him.. and in a way, doing my work for me.. some amusement at that in the back of my mind, Lycka reaching out for me through the bond, knowing of the attack, she's worried now…

    I'll remember the elf's words for some time.. "Now, what purpose could you serve, so that I will spare your life?" He tries to bribe me to help him get rid of these drow rumors.. confirming them in my mind. A laughed response, the threats of souls being taken.. you fool, my soul is Selunes and you have no idea what you are about to see. The anger building in me, accept it or die likely.. the laugh I let out turning into a growl as the words come from my mouth.. "My soul belongs to another." Then it takes me, surprise is all I can think as my wounds seal up, I start to snap at him and claw, a long growl coming from me...

    With one swipe of his sword deflecting off of my wolfish hide.. and a large opening in his plate by my claw.. he went invisible and fled quite quickly. I swear I could hear the wolf howling inside in a mocking laughter sort of way.. satisfaction.. run, run forever, because you will soon have a wolf on your trail and he won't give up the scent easily after this attack..

    I ran after that, as any wolf would.. to hide in the woods, perhaps hunt a deer. Then she appeared.. the celestial, her voice so calming, I snarled, but for some reason, she calmed me as I changed back, exhausted from all the fighting.

    Relief came over me as she told me the boar was fine, then fear as she told me the bottle I drank from, that the Sharran offered, was a poison that will turn me into a Doom Knight.. then again a change.. surprise, I'm going to Selune? My cure is up in the dark sky.. on Selune herself.. she left then, I sat there with Attentus, who showed up during it..

    Selune.. I've never spent so many nights staring up at, all night, my eyes would not leave. I'm going there?_


  • Cormyr

    _The boar came again, told me that I must go to Cormyr, find the plant of Hope. These riddles, nothing is ever simple. Luckily, Jerric knows a druid who came from Cormyr, he might know what plant this is and will likely know what it's uses are and so, will understand why I need it and what I am. A risk that needs to be taken. It took a couple days until he figured it out, being away so long isn't easy to remember every detail, even of your own home. So we get ready to go to Cormyr. No idea how we'll get there, I thought maybe Bingo could help us.

    Was it Selune shining down on our little group? Or something else? All I know is that this woman appeared at the right time, Celesta. She says she is from Cormyr and can help us get there. So the five of us, Jerrick, Lycka, Ronan, Tindra and myself, we get ready to go. We all get into this big hug with the woman and a bright light comes.. almost blinding then it's gone and we are in Cormyr. So is Locrian and Rain.. I felt bad for turning away Rain, apparently she was trying to help pull Locrian away as Albryanna ordered him to not jump in on the group teleporting. They were told it was a personal matter back in Norwick.. I guess we'll simply move on without them, leave them at the fort.

    The Cormyrians were engaged in a war with orcs it seems, the border fort full of tired and hungry soldiers, bloody and dirty civilians. The Mayor was nice, a follower of Savras. When I tried to explain why we came, he already knew.. All-Seeing.. great. He told us there was a Selunite priestess who could help, but she went missing in the crypts near the fort. To find the Shriveling Hope, we needed to find her. We've been in crypts before, shouldn't be to hard.. right..

    The battle wasn't all that bad, until we came to the flooded section of the crypts. Giant skeletons and drowned undead, who seemed to force water into your lungs as you fought them. I'll remember how it feels to drown, as I almost died fighting them. The giant skeletons bashing on me as the others tried to force their corrupted water into my lungs. If not for my friends quick actions, I would have drowned right there, on stone ground.. what a story that would have been, drowning on land..

    The priestess was a bit further in, Penelope, a beautiful woman herself, despite being a bit worn and dirty after being down there so long. We helped her fight the "lord" of the undead, it went down quickly with one spell from Ronan.. that Undeath to Death spell is handy.. and after returning to the Fort, Penelope gave over the plant, thinking it for Tindra at first.. but she was told the truth.

    We have the second ingredient to the potion.. we rid a crypt of undead and their Master and we lost no one doing it.. a good day if you ask me.

    He has been quiet inside.. sometimes I forget he is there, which is dangerous. Need to remember to keep my mind focused on holding him back.. I have no doubt he will try to come out again, despite our common ground we found, the peace we found at Ragnhilds death.

    Keep your focus.. push him away. I'm starting to believe control is possible now. "We can live together" I keep saying that in my head in the hopes he hears me.. and I believe that we can._


  • Senses

    _My hearing is better, I can hear Jonni at times upstairs, while I'm downstairs on the couch reading. Can hear him mumbling in his sleep about being a Knight. I can hear the birds so clearly in the morning, singing their songs outside, or a rat scurrying across the floor of the barracks. Lyckas heart beating as she is beside me in bed, the steady thumping of it all night long, ringing in my ears.

    My sight, even in the darkest of nights, under even a soft light from the moon, it's like the world is lit up for me to see everything. I wonder at times if my eyes glow at all when I'm seeing things like that. I can spot a deer running through the woods at a hundred paces at midnight. The normal activity of the docks as I go to visit the Temple, meetings in the dark alleys, never escape my notice anymore. My nose picks up individual scents now. It isn't as good as it could be, but I can tell when someone is coming up and if they are well known to me, the scent that follows them. Lycka stands out from quite a distance, as does Tindra. I seem to notice the scents of women more, not surprising.

    It's not surprising that it's getting better, that comes with being part animal I suppose, although sometimes me senses confuse me, let me see things a bit more than what they are.

    People change shape in front of me almost, one woman into a drow.. does that mean she is a black hearted bitch? Belia and Lycka turned into werecats, Lycka while she was in my lap. What does that mean? What are my senses telling me? Adriells dire wolf turned into a beautiful elven woman. Is she really a elf polymorphed into a dire wolf? Or is it more that she has a heart of an elf even though she is a wolf? A beautiful "person" on the inside, caring, loving? That rat in the Rat's and Bat's.. it turned into a wererat, does that show it has above normal intelligence compared to most rats?

    It's hard to figure it all out, Adriell told me it's my senses showing me things I've never noticed before about people and creatures. As no one else can see these changes except me, I guess that's the best explanation I will find for now. I wish I could explain it better to Lycka, but I can't. I fell like I'm Touched when I see such things, like I'm losing my mind a bit.

    I miss Adriell, despite our bad start, she was a nice person and she was helping me understand this more. I hope she comes back soon.

    You're not going crazy.._


  • Glacier

    _Go to where the mother wolf fell, there you will find a plant to begin your path.

    Those words still ring in my head. I wasn't sure what to think about going to the Glacier, to where Ragnhild died. I was filled with sadness, something I've tried to block out all came flooding in at the mention of the place she fell. I miss her so much, she was a guide for our whole pack.

    The trip was simple, we booked passage on a ship leaving Peltarch. It would see us most of the way there at least. Saves walking. Our trip went fast too, the nice couple that owned the ship got us there with their crew quite quickly. The Glacier, the home of the tribe, the place where even I lost so much and have been trying to deny it all this time.

    As expected, white wolves and frost giants covered the land, at first, some tried to barter peaceful passage with the wolves, I gave them their chance until one breathed it's frosty breath on one of our group, then it was time to fight our way through. The battle wasn't to hard and at times our group would argue about attacking the wolves. I finally had enough..

    "You don't like that they are evil creatures and attacked us first, then go back.. we have no time for these arguments" Sounded harsh when I said it, but we really didn't have the time.. I didn't.. I need to get this finished..

    At the top of the small mountain of ice was the frost giant camp, after fighting through all their attempts at killing us, we came to the Chief and his bodyguards. We did ask nicely for the plant we sought, but after fighting and killing so many of his tribe.. I already knew he wouldn't give it over. The challenge was issued, Shannon went to step up to accept.. I stopped him..

    "I can't ask this of anyone, this is for me to fight" I said and right away could feel the fear building in Lycka, she thought I was going to die up there.. I honestly thought I would die up there. But I had a few tricks up my sleeve, magic was allowed and they didn't state from where..

    With Ronans help, and Lyckas, as well as Shannons, Jerricks, Tindras.. so many to thank. I prepared to go up and fight this Chief for the plant I needed. A few little surprises I had in the my belt aided it greatly too.. the Ethereal Visage, Acid Shield and stoneskin made short work of the giant Chief.. my sword striking him down without a single cut on myself.

    His bodyguards stood there a moment, looking at their dead Chief.. surprised he fell so easily. I asked them if they wished to challenge as well.. maybe the fact that the Chief died so easily and that I had ten of my closest friends at my back swayed their decision and they simply heading down the small ice mountain, running at full speed as they hit open ground.

    The plant is there, I reached for it, but once my hand got close.. it was like something was tugging at me inside. I couldn't control the change this time, it just came out, something about the plant perhaps, maybe it could smell what it was and it didn't want me having full control. I attacked Tindra, luckily, Ronan held me in place with his spell.. that annoying green hand.. Lycka soft words coming through all the rage and hunger inside.. I'll never forget the song she sang..

    The first part is complete._

    _The song of my Wolf, forever ringing in my ears, the soothing of the beast, my focus.

    Come to me
    I'll take care of you
    protect you
    calm, calm down

    You're exhausted
    come lay down
    you don't have to explain
    I understand

    You know : that I adore you
    you know : that I love you
    so don't make me say it
    it would burst the bubble
    break the charm

    J u m p o f f
    your building is on fire
    I'll catch you : I'll catch you
    destroy all that is keeping you down
    and then I'll nurse you : I'll nurse you

    You know : that I adore you
    you know : that I love you
    so don't make me say it
    it would burst the bubble
    break the charm

    ~Come to me - Bjork~_


  • Loss

    _I have been thinking how to put this into words, the pain of the loss I felt that day. I still can't accept it, it rips my heart in two just thinking about it.

    Lycka and Ragnhild were gone for several days, the bond I share with my Wolf is odd at times. I can feel her off to the north, I can feel her fear and anger mixing together, a black cloud over my heart and soul. Somewhere in there though is her courage, her fierce determination to see it to the end, shining through like a bright light amongst the darkness. Think of a stormy day, where the sun tries to force it's way through the clouds and rain, that is the best way to describe it. Little rays of light, hoping to soak the earth once again.

    The days go on as I know Lycka is fighting. I don't only feel her, at times, it feels like the bond strengthens, I see flashes of battle around me as Lycka focuses on them. Aurilites bleeding in the snow, large armored polar bears, deafening almost as they let out a cry for blood. Lycka is worried inside, almost like she is alone, Ragnhild must not be with her. She is likely off fighting with her Sisters of the Spear.

    Then it hits..

    She is torn away from me, all goes black inside.. the bond is severed. I know inside right away that she has died.. the pain starts to fill me, the loss of my Wolf. I felt myself die right then and there, as if half of my soul was suddenly taken from me, the light that keeps the darkness away. I remember screaming out for Lycka.. my eyes started getting sharper, but were filled with a red light, as if blood was all around me. My body felt on fire as the beast tried to grab a hold in a moment of weakness..

    The scream must have woken Tindra, as I turned to look back at the bed where my four pups were sleeping, Tindra standing over them now yelling at me.. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but I could see her slowly changing, the children behind her crying, as they huddled on the bed with each other in fear. I was changing.. I needed to get out of here..

    I woke up in the woods, dead goblins all around me, the ground soaked in blood, assaulting my senses with it's sick smell.. it's sweet smell. I'd find out later that I burst out through the door when the change came, trying to get away from the pups.. at least I seem to have some measure of control over this. Despite losing myself, I managed to get away, instead of changing right there.. the pups will be safe with Tindra, I can't face them right now.. not the condition I'm in. So I stayed there, under the tree in the rain, naked.. with the blood of the goblins and their dead bodies all around me.. and I cried. Every once in awhile I would smell an animal come near, a low growl coming from me.. a warning to stay away and they did, they left this wolf alone, in his misery.

    Once my mind was focused, I could feel her once again in me, she came back as she said she would.. I wanted to go to her, to be with her.. but I could feel her holding me back. She was tired, but alive and the determination she had before was brighter than ever across the bond. She would continue to fight her way to the end, to save her tribe.. while I continued to wait here, wishing for nothing more in life than to hold her again..

    I spent days wandering the woods, I stayed close to Tindra's cave, but couldn't bring myself to enter. I waited for my Wolf to finish what she needed to do, I waited for her return and that of my mother.. and what felt like an eternity finally came, the end.. Lycka seemed to drop inside, exhaustion and satisfaction filled her.. she did it, they did it.. I was so proud of her, I thought I would head back to the cave to tell Tindra and the kids that mommy and grandma were coming home..

    The flashing images of the Spear Maidens, standing over over the body.. unbearable sadness filling my Wolf as she looked on.. the images fading in the mix of grief and anger. I knew she was dead.. the Alpha had fallen to protect her pack.. my fears were true, my mother wasn't coming home.

    I didn't fight it that time. I simply walked into the woods, embraced the beast inside.. and for the first time, it felt natural to change. Throughout the night, our howls of mourning echoed across the Rawlins, the howls of other wolves accompanying them as we cried out for one of the pack.. for our Alpha.. for Ragnhild. I remember it clearly, sitting on that hill.. Selune heard our eerie howls of prayer to see her along to the next life..

    That's the night I finally realized that I wasn't so different from the thing I've been calling a beast.. that's the night he and I found some common ground in our mourning, that I realized he cares for our pack in his own way as well.. that night I accepted what I am..

    That night I swore to Selune that I would control this, that I would howl to Selune in remembering my mother every night, alongside the songs of her daughter, once I gained that control. I try to be strong for Lycka, she lost so much.. but I struggle inside and I don't think my pain at the loss of Ragnhild will go away anytime soon.

    I miss you Ragnhild, may you find green fields and good hunting my Alpha._


  • Attraction

    _I've had many times when I felt the urge.. to mate. Not with just Lycka. The most amusing of times now that I think about it was in the Peltarch commons. Lisa walked out with her new Guard dog Trixie. A female.. talk about awkward. My nose has become sensitive and she was in heat. I could smell that she was eager.. and willing, standing there with her tongue dangling a bit out of her mouth, all seductive.. I could feel the beast inside stirring..

    Seductive? Her tongue? Really.. this is what I deal with..

    "What are you doing?!" is all I could say to myself..

    Lisa kept me there talking, showing off her new dog.. "Aelthas! My new Guard dog Trixie. She's been doing well in sniffing out criminals all over the district. We're thinking of breeding her, she's got it in her to do this, she's got good blood for the work." Lisa rambled on..

    "Aye, good blood.." was all I could get out as my eyes trailed along her fur, soft fur.. that perfectly fluffy tail wagging slowly back and forth, as if enticing me to..

    BEWARE OF FEMALE DOGS IN HEAT!

    I ran away from Lisa and Trixie.. to the hills.. I could see the look on Lisa's face as I looked back.. a look of.. "What the hells is his problem?". Lisa, you don't want to know. Lycka did tell me she refuses to be jealous over a dog.. which is good and sounds a bit odd to me..

    So leaving aside Trixie.. we have other women about, especially the female druids who turn into wolves. Belia, she smells good as I sit beside her, I can't help but lean over a bit and sniff at her hair as she sits there. She just laughs usually.. or wags her tail when she's in wolf form.. thanks Belia for trying to tease me. She isn't the only one.. Adriell before she left.. I really need to avoid female druids..

    Living with Tindra isn't easy. I have had a crush on Tindra since I was a young lad, I think I still have it, although these days.. it's more turned into friendship and respect, I just refuse to leave my childhood, or what little I had of one, behind. I try to sleep in the cave, I can smell her in the other room and it takes all my strength of will to stop myself from going over there and sniffing her.. or worse.

    I thought women were hard on me before.. this is a hundred times worse. Not only do I need to worry about women.. female dragons, Erinyes.. now I need to be careful around dogs and wolves.. by Selune, I need to get this under control soon.._

    ((Special kudos to Clandra for the little Lisa Guard dog event, for making me laugh waaaay to hard on an otherwise boring day!!))


  • A Broken Pack

    _The problems get worse to the north. The tribe is in great danger.. Ereeni comes to Lycka and tells her that she is needed, her and Ragnhild both. Another tenday or so and they leave. I will be alone with the pups. Luckily, Tindra has agreed to let us stay in her cave. It's quite cozy there, for a cave. Tindra has a music box, the children will love that.. help them drive us crazy as we await Lycka and Ragnhilds return.

    I've spoken to Jerrick and Belia as well, for the nights of the full moon. The children must be taken from Tindra's, no one can be there but me. I change then, I manage to get out of the secure room, I'll be going right for the kids likely. I can't take that chance, so the Glen is the best spot for them, they like the druids anyways, how they shapeshift and tell stories of the woods. Four nights each month, Lycka and Ragnhild won't be gone that long I hope.. a month at most if Tymora shines down on all of us, then they will be home and safe.

    Yet.. I can't stop from getting this feeling in my gut.. as if something is wrong, or is going to be wrong. It gets worse as I look at Ragnhild. She's lost so much since Zoma.. she's only had us and the kids really keeping her here, yet now, she seems to have that fire back in her eyes as she gets ready to head for war. I don't think she's coming home.. and to think, I never once told her that I loved her, as my mother, as my Alpha.. I never once expressed the caring a son should for his mother.. and she -is- my mother.

    So I sat there, watching Lycka and Ragnhild getting ready to leave, a few more days.. Lycka knew something was wrong with me, she'd keep giving me these little sad smiles as she worked away, as I watched her so closely. Then it came out one day.. I just stood up and walked up to Ragnhild and said it.. after all these years..

    "Alpha.. I love you. I feel like I've been a failure to you as a son, I've never shown you the caring a son should give. I want you to know though, before you leave.. you are my pack and I will always love you the way a son should love his mother."

    A loving smack upside the head, then those strong arms around me in a hug, my eyes actually filled with tears.. I hadn't cried in a long time, but her words hit me so hard.. being as simple as they were.. yet getting so much across to me at the same time.. I couldn't help but smile.. even tears in Ragnhild's eyes.. rolling slowly down her cheeks as she spoke in a soft voice..

    "Love, pack, these things need no words to be real, pup.. you are not son of my blood, but son I chose. Vorthy not juss of daughter's love, but mine."

    Lycka joined in on the hug then, her eyes filling with tears, happiness coming from both her and myself as we stood there, hugging each other, being a pack.. but sadness crept across the bond from us both, maybe we both knew that this might be the last time we did this..

    We went back to preparing.. or they did at least. I watched them, taking in both of them with my eyes as much as I possibly could, it might be the last time I had this chance. So I enjoyed our pack, while it was still one.

    They left a few days later, I watched them leave.. I tried to keep a brave face for the kids as Lycka and Ragnhild smiled over to us one last time before disappearing in a flash of teleportation provided by Leanna, a quick way to get them there and hopefully home as well, back into my arms. The pups were crying, wanting their mother and grandmother.. and despite all my attempts to control it.. hot tears rolled down my cheeks as they left and I gathered the kids up and headed south to Tindras.

    Be strong my Wolf.. be strong Alpha.. come home to your pack.. and then I could feel him, inside, not angry, not looking to come out.. a long howl in my head only.. as the beast mourns the pack leaving..

    Maybe we aren't so different.._


  • Dragons

    _As a break, to try and take my mind off the struggle, I decided to focus on another problem. The Dracolich of the Hungry One. So.. I did something really silly when you think about it really. I sent messages to a few dragons. Really.. what was I thinking?

    Argentius was the first to appear, leaving a message for me at Norwicks south gates. To meet him by Sam's Hill.. or Hole as it is now. Lycka and I went there right when we were told and there he was, flying high in the sky, I couldn't help but smile at the raw power he gave off just flying through the sky. He is majestic.. remind Lycka to finish that picture of him as an offering. He would hopefully be flattered by it.

    The news he gave wasn't good. The Dracolich is beyond his power even.. a dragon that can run Rass off in a few mere moments, stands no chance against this monster we face. She is the story of fear that is told to all wyrmlings, to haunt their nightmares of what could happen should they act as she did. That… doesn't help us feel confident at all. He did have some good advice on how to kill her though, how we needed to get her down underground, where she can't fly off.. as she will fly off at the first sign of losing the battle. She isn't stupid.. but we first need to find her stone before we can finish her anyways.

    He said he can't help anymore than that.. if he faces her, he will be torn apart in moments. I guess I shouldn't have hoped to hard that he would come to battle with the people of this land once again.. but right now, we all need some sort of a miracle..

    The second dragon appeared a few tendays later. Lady Faye, my dragon of pink.. I stare upon her as some follower might. I find her beautiful, she is pink after all.. and majestic in her own way, despite being young compared to Argentius. She is unique..

    I remember the first time we met, Rass had appeared in the Pass, Lycka and I just got together, we were courting. After Rass flew off, Faye swooped down in front of Lycka and I just outside the Camp.. all the others had run off after Rass. I of course, was in my pink armor, bearing the pink dragon on shield and armor both. I think it was mostly curiosity of me that made her grab me in her claws and fly off to the Coldstones.. Lyckas voice could be heard as we flew away.. "Bring back my Knight". By the time I had a chance to move so I could look down.. Lycka was a dot on the ground. "Alright.. so I'm going to be eaten.. by a dragon.. could be worse, right?" I remember thinking to myself as I peered about the sky, looking for a way to get away.. to what, fall to my death? I might as well enjoy the ride.. and when she lets me down and tries to eat me, fight to the death.

    The fight never came.. she dropped me in a pile of snow at the mountain top, dropped down beside me and stared at me a long moment.. then started to bat me around much like a cat would a mouse. She was curious and playful, but she didn't harm me at all. We sat on the top of the mountain, talking.. sort of as she poked at me and looked me over, it was sort of amusing by the time the group got up there.

    Here came my rescue party.. swords in hand, ready for a fight.. thinking the dragon was trying to kill me. After I stopped them from attacking Faye, I smiled down at Lycka. She didn't smile back.. instead,what does my Wolf do? She tries to stare down the dragon and there was such fury in her eyes. I wanted to laugh, but I knew I had to stop the staring competition they were having before a fight started. We parted ways a short time later, with no conflict.. watching Faye fly high off into the sky, the sun lighting up her pink scales as she flew.. shining like a pink star in the middle of the day.

    Lycka seemed to get over it.. until our next encounter with Faye..

    -I- wanted to go looking for Faye.. Lycka was not pleased either, but I felt like Faye could have done much worse to me and I wanted to repay her a bit.. for not eating me. I gathered a bunch of minor magical items, some gold and some gems for her hoard. Kara, Lycka and I as well as a few others head up to the Coldstones, looking for her.. we find her, we talk a bit. At the end.. I remember seeing Lycka even more furious than I've ever seen her.. as Faye tells me. "When I learn to take human form, perhaps I will come to you Pink Knight and learn the ways of human mating". I laughed.. thinking it a joke.. Lycka growled, Kara rolled her eyes and told me that I better be careful, a crush from a dragon.. they can get possessive of the things they want and she may start killing folks to get it.. including Lycka.

    We left on peaceful terms that day again, Faye moved her home.. and I didn't see her for years, until the message sent about the dracolich. She appeared at Norwicks gates.. asking for her Pink Knight. As I went out to see her, I was trying to explain why I called her.. she just says.. "I cannot take human form yet, Pink Knight. I cannot mate yet."

    I couldn't help but laugh, a childlike innocence.. mixed with the intelligence of a young dragon which is far beyond most adult humans I would think... and the urges of a girl becoming a woman.. what else can a man do but feel a bit flattered that a dragon wants to mate with them when they can take human form?

    She didn't know much of the dracolich.. perhaps red and white dragons don't tell their young the same stories.. but, then a shape in the sky, the dracolich was here.. I armed myself, moving slowly at the sight of it, I admit, I was startled by the appearance.. Faye turned to fight it.. but then flew off.. I kept yelling for her to fly. I watched as she took off into the sky, making way as fast as her wings would allow.. she was ahead and getting further ahead.. the dracolich couldn't catch her.. I ran into town to get a Sending scroll, to contact her again. I didn't want her thinking we were trying to lure her here to be harmed. It took awhile for the simple response.. "Bones hurt". She was alive.. and in decent spirits by the sounds of it.. by answering, I can hope she doesn't think I was planning on hurting her.

    So Faye will unlikely be back.. Argentius can't help fight the dracolich.. but, it seems the dracolich might be a bit worried with the appearance of so many dragons in such a short time, talking with us humans. Perhaps it's worried we are gaining the strength to beat it.. even though we don't have the dragons fighting with us.. the possibility of the dracolich being worried about just that is an advantage if used properly.

    I don't care what everyone says.. I like Faye. She's been kind to me in that.. "She didn't eat me" sort of way. She's been talkative, not hostile other than a few vague threats from a young dragon.. how can I judge her for such? I threaten people at times, as does everyone. Sometimes the occasion calls for it.. but I think she doesn't know how to deal with humans, she uses what she has..

    I'm going to give her the chance.. even if others won't.

    "Pink Hussy"_


  • Losing the Battle

    _I didn't go into details of the laughter in my head, the time under the tree with Gaerielle. I'm not sure myself what it really means, being a werewolf, the struggle within is all new to me. Tindra is a good guide, as she is a lycanthrope as well, but her change was magical in nature.. not exactly the same as mine.

    I'll try to explain the best I can..

    Back when Kara betrayed us, Jerrick was with her. The hurt of her betrayal hit us all hard, but him the hardest. I remember him letting go, letting the beast inside out, to run free, to have no concern but the kill. No longer human, no longer a wolf even, he was a murdering beast, wanting nothing but the taste of blood. He wasn't our friend any longer.

    This is what confusion and sadness lead too.. this is what I'm in danger of becoming.

    Hearing Jerrick laughing in my head, the memories of what he became has me scared. I might become that if I'm not careful. A murderous, blood thirsty monster, with one purpose.. to hurt everything around me. To kill everything I hold dear and to feast upon it, like they are cattle for the slaughter. A caged animal is dangerous, it wants out and it will go to any extent to get it's freedom.. back a wolf into a corner, it will come snapping and snarling and will lunge for your throat.

    My thoughts that day keep me strong, the fear blazing inside of me keeps my mind sharp, ready for any moment when the beast will want out.. always remember that it hides within, waiting for it's chance..

    I was hungry after the change, my mind went gray.. I tried to push it all from my mind while resting my head in Gaerielles lap.. then it hit me suddenly. I may become a monster.. but I can also help to keep my pack strong, I could change them..

    That was the beast talking inside.. how could I even think such a thing? Turn my wife, my children.. my friends that belong to my pack, how could I think something so disgusting? I kept telling myself I was a fool, I was a coward and that if I even think that thought again.. I will end my life and end the threat. I growled at the beast inside my head.. I forced it away and the thoughts have never returned.. I hope, if we are indeed two different creatures within the same body.. it knows that it's existence depends on those thoughts never coming back.

    Some thoughts are to be expected.. some taunts from within as the beast tries to tempt you to lose control. Other thoughts will not be accepted at all.. I couldn't even look at my children for days after I thought that, I was so disgusted with myself for even allowing it to get those thoughts in my head.

    Time to tend to my prayers.. Selune will guide me through this. I stand in Her light, she brightens me inside and keeps the beast away.. she will be the reason I win this battle.. faith must be kept in my Lady Silver.. faith for the future.. faith for accepting it's apart of me now..

    Always remember what losing the battle means.. what you will become..

    I think I'll try to forget this trouble for a few days.. go for a picnic with Lycka and the pups. I miss Lyckas touch.. I miss our nights spent in each others arms.. but she excites me to much.. strong emotions will bring it out.. caution means I hold back on my urges. A picnic will be fine.. some happiness to mix with the anger and sadness within._


  • Devil's Deal

    _I've mentioned it to people in the past.. a warning of what not to do.

    Investigating something much like a portal in the hills, Lycka was sucked inside while Shannon and I stood helplessly by.. not much I could do I suppose. Lycka was taken to the Hells, needed to make a deal with a devil to get back. Her ring, the one I bought her in Silverymoon when I married Cherry and Aramule. Took her finger with it and her blood.

    I know what such things can do with her blood, her finger and something as close as the ring. I was glad she was safe, but I needed to get that back. I try to protect her too much maybe.. I can't help it. I found the easiest solution to fix the problem, which was my downfall. Taria of all people helped me summon her.. a devil I've known for some time, who I have spoken with on occasion, tried to kill as well.

    Samantha.. the Erinyes. I knew before I even made the deal that it would lead to nothing good, I would risk anything for my love though. My life, my very soul if need be.. so she can live. So I made the deal, I set the terms.. it wasn't forced, I cannot hate Samantha for being what she is, she did nothing but accept -my- deal. I told Lycka, she was furious.. what can I tell her to make her feel better? Nothing. I'm going to the Hells for six months, a slave to an Erinyes. I think to myself, I've been through torture before, what can they do to me that I haven't had happen before? Little did I know.. she knew the way to hurt me more than cutting me into pieces.

    It took me some time to get my memories back after I returned after my half a year there.. when I did remember, I wish I would have forgotten again. Where I thought I'd be tortured with pain, I was instead tortured with seduction. Lycka felt it all through our bond.. she wanted me dead.. the dreams of the Wolf slaughtering me and the Erinyes were clear in my mind.

    For the first few months, I resisted.. grudgingly giving Samantha what she wanted.. me. Our nights spent together disgusted me. Lycka feeling it all as Samantha had her way with me. After that.. a man's mind breaks, he accepts his place in it all. I gave in, perhaps a bit to easily? I began enjoying it.. was it her magics that made me do so? She was beautiful, despite being a devil. After awhile, I began to take her.. with all the passion I could build up.. the tricks of a devil. Seduction, Samantha has had years to practice it and she is good at it.

    Months of it, until the end.. the exact day of the six months end. I was sent back, with a smile. I was sent back a broken man.. when I was found in Peltarch, in a back alley, I was in tears, confused as to what happened.. I could feel Lycka a distance off, she was staying away from me, I didn't know why then as my memories weren't back yet, but when I did find out, I couldn't blame her for staying away from me, for being hurt.

    What I lost for my hasty decisions, my deal with the devil.. a part of my soul I will never get back, because of the hurt I caused Lycka and because Samantha has it now. When she broke my will, she took part of me with it. I lost Selune, even she was disgusted with me and I didn't blame her.. I almost lost my Wolf.. that hurt the most. I am nothing without Lycka.. she keeps me from the darkness, she keeps me strong. Without her or Selune, I am a shell..

    I regained Lyckas love, her trust, she is often times a better Selunite than myself I think. She forgives me for all the stupid things I do. That makes me know I am a lucky man to have her. I was forgiven by Selune after a time as well.. I didn't trust in Her.. I put Lycka before my goddess, a failure in Her eyes, ones I understand. But in losing Her, I believe I actually found Her. A story for another time perhaps..

    Take care, the beast is much the same, it will show you things that you will enjoy. The hunt, the kill, losing yourself and being free.. good intentions often have their own hidden devils that one cannot see.

    I cannot fail in such a way again.. forgiveness only goes so far.. find my focus and keep it, push away temptation. I need to find it in myself to forgive my son as well, for what he is.. Baelthas, my half-devil son.. a story for another time.._


  • Trust

    _Of all the people I've told, or who found out somehow, the Divine Shield members often worry me the most. I know we don't always see eye to eye on how things should be done, I have a bit more acceptance in me, I give people more chances. Yet they stood at my side through the devil's deal and my fall from the Moonmaiden.. Shannon and Mariston, knowing what deal I made, still helped me on my quest. Should I be so worried about people finding out what I am? There is much to lose if they don't accept it.. not only for myself, but for my family.

    Ronan, Jerrick, Belia, Tindra, Yana, Raul, Horlamin, Gaerielle, Shannon, Adriell, Attentus, Albryanna, Elena.. I believe the mage Maria knows, her panther familiar doesn't like being around me. It's getting hard to keep track of who knows..

    Yana, Legs as I call her, she is of the Shield.. yet I told her. I always trusted her, I'm not sure why I gave my trust so easily to her. Something about her puts me at ease, makes me feel like I can lower all the defenses I have built up, all the defenses I use to hide my feelings from people. I enjoy our talks together, I am happy she calls me a friend and it does feel nice to be able to open up to someone other than Lycka.. she can't always be around.

    Shannon found out as well, while at the fire of Norwick.. the boar appeared, he came on the trip the boar sent us on, to find a way to control this. I shouldn't have doubted him, but in the end.. if it's friendship or duty, if he sees me as a threat, I think I know what will happen. I wonder if Mariston would help me as well.. or if he would try and destroy me. I know werewolves don't have a good name.. well.. anywhere. I should trust them more.. they helped me after I made a deal with a devil.. why can't I bring myself to feel full trust for them now?

    Tindra, Jerrick, Ronan.. no doubt in my mind where their feelings stand on the matter. They are the closest friends I have, if I cannot trust them, who can I trust? Gaerielle as well, but I know, if pressed.. she might break and say something, she is still so fragile, although she has gotten better over the years.. I miss her at times, she has been gone for some time, I hope she is alright.

    The others are close friends I would think, not as close as some.. but we haven't been through as much together. I trust them not to say anything if pressed on the matter. Horlamin being the exception.. Jerrick trusts him, but I find it hard still. Aurilites killed so many of our family.. I know I must forgive them.. but that will take time.

    I'm still sitting back and wondering to myself how the city will react. Will they ban me? Will they hunt me down as a monster? I know they've had Saurials working for them in the Guard, not to mention a kobold at one point. I suppose I'll just need to wait, approach the Senate after I've controlled it.. show them I'm not some beast.. and if I lose, well.. I'll be dead and it won't be a concern I suppose.

    Trust in your friends.. I'm about to tell Maya and Grag as well.. Maya I'm concerned about mostly, because she has a habit of not whispering when she should, always talk straight she says. I like that about her and I've known her a long time, I consider her a friend.. hope I can stress the seriousness of not blurting this out in public. Grag.. well, when the time comes that it becomes public knowledge like everything does in time, I don't want some of his close minded Legionnaires coming to make a name for themselves by getting my hide.. not going to end well if they do. He's the General, he's like my Uncle.. he will understand and hopefully make sure when the time comes, some don't get to crazy.

    Dark thoughts of late, gloomy day.. must be all this rain.. perhaps the beast and I agree on something.. we want the snow back.. enough of this bloody rain. Time to go see the wife and kids, they always bring a smile to my face on these rainy days._


  • Teasing

    _I told Gaerielle about what has happened to me.. she was shocked, although she didn't look at me as if I was a monster, she cares for me, as I care for her. We sat and talked about it for hours.. I'm not sure what set it off just then.. maybe my feelings for Gaerielle.. remembering the moment we shared.. the moment that should have never happened..

    A taunting laughter in my head.. my mind fogging over with darkness. I suddenly heard crying and Gaerielle moved away from me, as my head moved slowly to look at her, it was if she had an aura around her.. a red light, the light feeling like it was pounding inside my ears.. I could smell her blood, the sweet intoxicating smell of it.. it was past midnight, there was no light.. even the moon was covered by clouds.. but I could see her as clearly as if it was daytime. She let out a scream and I could feel my skin stretching, giving way for the beast to come out once again, it felt like something was ripping it's way out of my body as I let out a scream for her to run, she just stood there, shaking and crying.. unable to leave, unsure of what to do.

    I suddenly wanted to hunt.. to kill.. to feast.. and Gaerielle was the closest thing.. I wanted her flesh in my claws, to tear it with my teeth.. to feel the warmth of her blood in my mouth, the last beat of her heart as I tore her throat out..

    The laughing.. who is it? Why won't it stop? So many questions I asked myself in those few moments, yet the answers didn't matter.. focus, find my focus.. more laughing came as I grasped for focus, for control..the laughing seems so familiar..

    Then I had my answer.. Jerrick.. that was the laughter..

    I collapsed after.. whatever is inside, be it beast, curse or infection.. it was teasing me, showing me how good it felt to be a beast, to take down a kill, to taste it as I ate.. I learned that day that I had no control really.. not yet, it could come and go as it pleases and I cannot stop it. I didn't change because it didn't want me to.. it would rather taunt me with the knowledge that I was weak.. that I could be so much more powerful..

    I just stayed there the rest of the night, my head in Gaerielles lap, grasping at images in my head.. images that may be answers as to why Jerrick laughed at me, why he taunted me so much.. he is a friend..

    Isn't he?_


  • Choices

    _I finally sat down with Lycka outside the wall, spoke to her of all the things happening. The mix of emotions I feel from her are overwhelming. I have my own fear, anger, confusion and mixed with it are Lyckas emotions, all the same as mine. She is worried mostly. Her sadness hits me like a dark cloud inside as it comes across the bond, then her fear rises as she knows she might lose me to this.. I did try and get back to take some belladonna when I was bitten, but the werewolf wasn't dead. I couldn't leave it out there to bite someone else, I had no belladonna on me at the time.

    Make a note, it needs to be fresh and it needs to be taken within an hour of infection. People think you can take it before the full moon, not true..

    So now, Lycka supports me, she believes me when I said I didn't purposely get infected. I made that promise to her years ago, when we had Jonni. Even then she knew my duty to Selune, one I took upon myself. To prove that not all lycanthropes are monsters, even werewolves can have good hearts, or at least get past the thirst for blood. The long hours I spent trying to convince people of such.. that werewolves can stay in Her light, follow Her and not give in to the temptations of gods like Malar..

    It's a long hard fight.. she knew I wouldn't cure it if it happened.. I knew it and told her as much.. I question myself if I did seek this out.. but just found a loophole to look innocent..

    I used to bring food to the werewolves outside Jiyyd. Wanted to try and show them a way other than preying on the people in the area. I tried to talk to them on many occasions, only to be attacked. I'm not blinded by my faith, I am not blind to the fact that some cannot fight enough to control it. I have put many down, who later turned into humans, orcs, elves.. it's my duty to the Moonmaiden to stop the spread of this, to fight these creatures when they attempt to harm others. It is also my duty to Her to give a chance to those who I believe can be better than a beast.. it's my duty to see this through to the end, no matter how it ends.

    A young Selunite.. trying to show a better way to those who have strayed into darkness..

    Be ready for it, is what I keep telling myself, the darkness is there, lingering in the distance.. waiting to take you. Lycka has promised if I cannot control it, she will kill me to keep others safe. She will break our bond, suffer the loss of it and likely never recover.. but she'll do it because she knows it needs to be done, she knows it's the price for failure and that I accept it.

    Lycka is stronger than she realizes.. stronger than myself..

    I had a choice to go through with this, even after losing my chance to take the belladonna, there were priests who could have helped. I believe I am strong enough to control this with Selunes light within me, with Lycka at my side, with knowing everything I risk losing if I do not control it.

    Everyone needs to make their own choice in this, but do not think to long.. for when the moon comes out full, your choice is over and the killing will begin.

    Some survive, some do not.. that's the way of things.. but it doesn't mean we don't fight for that survival._


  • Anger

    _People always tell me that I'm angry, I honestly don't know where they get that from. Even when I'm arguing with others, I rarely show any emotion doing so. Maybe it's just easier for them to say I'm angry to justify to themselves that they have an upper hand in an argument. Very few have seen me actually angry and very few ever will. It takes something special to bring out hatred and anger in me.. like the undead.

    As the "curse" progresses, the rage that I've managed to hold down since I was young is slowly starting to push it's way through, to get out. It usually ends with me harming something. It's hard to hold it back when something is helping to push it out, mixing with the confusion and fear also. Even focusing on those bright blue eyes cannot hold it in at times.

    It reminds me of the past, my younger days..

    JoBobsven was sitting under that tree, reading her book as she always did, with such determination to become a user of the arcane. The sun was bright, one of those perfect days, with the cool breeze in the air, animals just waking up after a long winter. As I approached her, she smiled up at me, which always brought a smile to my face, I saw the flash from above.. Taren, that little bastard was in the tree above her and before I could say anything to Jo, she already had ink covering her head, her clothing and her book.

    The anger took me so fast, even when only fourteen winters old. Taren thought he was fast, but he wasn't fast enough and as he jumped down from the tree to escape, I chased him down, pinning him to the ground. All I remember after that, was the bruises on my knuckles, the blood covering my shirt and hands, my mother yelling at me and Tarens mother crying. The look in Jo's eyes, she seemed afraid of me as she ran off to the Sisterhood.

    Are people not supposed to protect those they care about? I always thought so, but as the years went on, I realized you needed to keep your emotions contained, they couldn't control you. I lost control that day and I almost killed that boy.. who was just being a boy. Maybe part of the anger in me is from my belief that I didn't get a chance to be a proper child.. I was born into blood and battle. Or was it that I chose to be born into such a thing? A question I still don't think I have an answer for..

    A note to all of the cursed.. or blessed as I see it. Avoid the things that make you angry. I know when those I care about are wronged or hurt, I get angry.. but now if I do that, to protect them, I may be the one who harms them instead if I change.

    I couldn't live with myself if I hurt my pups, or Lycka.. any strong emotion is dangerous during this, but anger is the most dangerous.. it fuels the beast inside, it brings out the raw blood lust and instincts that the beast thrives on. I have an advantage.. the anger I've had since I was young.. I've learned to control it through meditation, but even I have moments of weakness.

    Control you anger.. find a focus.. avoid strong emotions. Keep the beast back, push it away and hold it inside.. you need to be in control._


  • The Change

    _What started out to be a routine investigation in the Pass, turned out to be the confirmation of what I knew since the day that orc bit me. A talk with Jonathon in the camp, to discuss some bandit activity around the area.

    The talk was going fine, though my nose started to twitch a bit, I could smell something, but I wasn't sure what it was. Then it really hit, it was like my skin was on fire, my insides were being torn apart. It just hit so fast, my bones were cracking, by Selune.. the pain. I could smell Ronan beside me, the Hoarran in front of me, even though my eyes were shut in pain, my heart pounding in my head. I tried to scream for her, but the words wouldn't come out.

    I only remember flashes of what happened after, blood in the Pass, screams, yet it wasn't me. It was like I was looking through someone other persons eyes.

    Darkness…

    The man was guarding his caravan, yelling out.. "Monster, get away from me"

    Darkness..

    I looked on the ground.. there was blood everywhere.. I didn't do that, did I? I couldn't have..

    Darkness..

    He stood there, his voice deep yet strangely caring.. "You must find your own way out, pup. Find the truth, but do not be caged in your mind, you must find control." He was a wereboar, he spoke.. yet his lips didn't move at all.. it was like a dream..

    Darkness..

    I seemed to "wake" up.. looking around slowly.. I was on a dirt pile.. I was so confused.. I reached my hand out to crawl somewhere.. but it wasn't a hand anymore. Fur.. long fingers ending in sharp claws.. it hadn't ended.. is this real?

    Darkness..

    I tried to cry out.. only a whimpering was heard, I needed to find Lycka, I need her at my side in this.. she is my soul.. I cried out once again and a howl came, it filled my ears.. then suddenly I could feel her, she was there, a soft hand stroking my fur. I turned my head to look up and she giggled at me, taking my large claw in her hand..

    Darkness..

    I woke again to her standing there, smiling at me.. I remember the words coming out, I'm not sure how I did it.. "I need your help love, I need a guide" .. she meowed and sang me a song.. "All you need is to step behind this waterfall" she said to me after the song.

    Looking to my side.. it just suddenly appeared and she led me off to it, I felt at peace, almost remembering the time we spent in the stream by camp, her wearing that white bathing suit.. I couldn't help but grin as she removed her clothes here and stepped into the water, leading me along with her.. but the grin felt odd, like it wasn't meant for my face.. "You smell like a wet dog" ..was all she said when we were in the water.. then she giggled..

    Darkness..

    I woke with my head in Lyckas lap, in the Pass.. Ronan standing over both of us.. as well as Raul. I didn't want many to find out.. to late for that.. time to see if Raul is a real friend and won't speak of it, if he will give me my chance.

    I attacked Ronan it seemed.. I still don't know if the merchant was real or not. That night, I slept well.. I was so tired from the change.. so I slept all the next day, Lycka always at my side.

    Find a focus, push it back.. it cannot win._


  • Beast Orcs

    _In the beginning, I saw him.. or ~it~. He ran up to me but didn't attack right away. He cursed out the name of his orcish god and lunged at me, his putrid breath filling my senses, it burned the eyes.

    I've always been a firm believer in giving a chance, even to the most vile of people. Should I do no less for an orc who is trying to claw me to pieces? I've given orcs chances before to prove themselves, to return to the Light. Needless to say, most have failed, but this was different.. this one wasn't just an orc.

    A touch of Selune is in all of us, we are all Her children in one way or another and she cares for all equally. Yet sometimes, she touches some more than others, then the person needs to live with it, or die from it.

    I ended the orcs life, reasoning with a beast cannot always be done, forgiveness can be given, but sometimes it must be given in death. The numbers started to build, I'd see them in the hills often enough after the first sighting to worry me. It was my duty to Selune to end the threat, either by showing them the Light or by putting them down as beasts.. likely they will be put down, orcs giving in to this is easy for them to do.

    One… two... three.. ten... one hundred, how many would it take before the end came? Would any choose a better way? I truly hope so. It has happened before and I hope it happens more often.

    I chased them down, they attacked as the ones before them, they felt steel and ice as their breath left. I felt bad that maybe I didn't give them as much of a chance as I would a human, but when a beast is combined with a beast.. generally a monster comes from it.

    So it began with the orcs.. I know some can be good, some can pull away from the beast inside and become good people.

    I need to believe that.. find a focus, push it back._


  • Failure

    _I've been through a lot in life, most don't realize it as I've kept a lot of it quiet. Some do, I don't hide it all as much now. People call me an ass at times, I'm fine with that too. They don't really understand what has happened, what has been lost, what has been felt.

    I try to relate what is happening now to what happened back then. The Orc War, my time in Norwick when Corde had control of it. A prisoner to a Sharran, a test of my strength which I failed. After so many months of torture, the negative energy being flooded through me, being cut to pieces only to be regenerated so they could do it again.. a man can only take so much, even one as stubborn as I am.

    I remember when he asked me to tell him everything I knew about the troop placements ready to come down on his bugbear army. I knew that Jonni would have changed our positions around after so long, likely right after I disappeared, just in case. How long had it been? One month? Two? Six? I couldn't tell, the only thing I wanted, was for the pain to stop.. to be finished finally.

    I told him everything I knew to make it stop and so I failed my friends, my home.. the whole land. He gave me my death at last, just to bring me back as an undead abomination to fight my own friends. I woke up a broken shell in the Sisterhood, my mother standing over me.

    The rest of the war wasn't mine to fight, this was the beginning of my fall into myself, holding all my feelings within, hiding the pain I felt… then I'd see her, always smiling, the bright blue eyes framed by the silver hair, she would sit outside that door for hours, peeking in through a crack. Or she'd sneak in when I was sleeping, setting cookies and milk on the table beside my bed.

    Find your focus, push it back. I had mine even that far back, although I didn't realize it. Find it and you will control inside. I cannot fail in this like I have failed in the past._