Into the Mind of a Priestess
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What a beautiful morning. As is customary, I rose before the sun to tend to my morning prayers. Upon finishing, I made my way to the common area to sit down and read. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and for once, it was not raining! “What could possibly be better?” I whispered to myself. Truly was more a rhetorical question, though it was answered by the one I see arriving. Twas wonderful to see him smile so bright, his cheerful demeanor, his playfulness return. He seems much more confident than he has the past few times I had seen him.
He sat with me and we talked a bit, silly banter back and forth that lightens my heart and my mind from the ongoing challenges and worries faced each day. In a playful match, we ended up with the bench tipping over backwards, me lying on my back and him holding himself over me as he had nearly fallen atop me. I still laugh to see the position he wound up in and I am certain that those who approached had to laugh as well. It was a lovely morning filled with laugher and smiles until others began arriving.
At first twas fine. The woman, the warrior I spoke of earlier who follows Lady Luck arrived along with the man she seems to travel with a lot, a caster I believe. Talk of weaponry ensued and I learned a bit about fighting undead by listening. Then the man I have spoken of here arrived. He is a caster of the arcane and a member of a group known as the Sails. He greeted each respectfully but was met with immediate chastising by the others. It took them no time at all to begin listing all of his wrong doings and to begin stating openly what an evil person he is.
I grow so tired of this. I wonder what they hope to accomplish with their constant blabber and judgments? All they accomplished was ruining a perfectly wonderful morning in order to appease their own sense of… something, perhaps self righteousness? They have no proof whatsoever that the man harbors evil in his heart yet they relentlessly attack him, openly degrading him with each opportunity that arises. Truly, what does this accomplish? What are they TRYING to accomplish? Do they feel a need to do so simply based on some sort of distorted principle? Throughout history, it will well known that such actions never changed anything yet they persist and insist to the point of attempting to sway others to do the same. Why?! If the man does harbor evil in his heart, would it not make more sense to simply shun him? Would it not make more sense to simply walk away from him? Would it not make more sense to use their heads for once instead of their mouths? What does their constant confrontation accomplish? In all the times I have seen him treated so, ne’er once has he retorted in a manner that has shown evil intent, yet THEIR actions are questionable. Do they hope to sway him to good by showing him exactly how to treat someone badly? Does it not stand as fact that people follow an example far sooner than they follow words? Even the Magistrate himself subscribes to the knowledge that being an example, via actions rather than words, is a high testimony of one’s beliefs.
Admittedly, I do not know this man’s heart therefore, I cannot say that he is NOT of evil intent. I can say though, without compromise, that in all the time I have spent with him, he has willingly saved my life more than once, offered to help me in various ways and stood disappointed with himself when in battle he could not arrive soon enough to keep me from injury. He has ne’er asked anything in return for his help. Yes, perhaps he holds himself in much higher regard than others but is that not a trait we all possess to some extent and must battle regularly with to change? Yes, he is a member of an organization that is seen as holding evil intent but does that make all of their members evil? I have ne’er subscribed to the “guilty by association” belief. Had I done so, I would have had to judge my own Father as being a wicked man based on his associations, yet his associations were present simply because of the business he ran. This caster states that the Sails offered him regular work. I wonder how many of these who stand in open judgment of him did the same? Did they give him a chance to work for THEIR purpose and beliefs? Given what I have seen, I truly doubt it.
For now, I shall keep my findings to myself save for sharing them with the man I see. For now, I shall simply watch, listen and learn in hopes of finding the true intent of those who persecute this man, as well as his true intent. Torm grant me the wisdom to find the truth and use it as you would have me do.
-
All is well again though still I do not know what happened.
The woman came into Torm’s sanctuary at the temple, seemingly to apologize for her behavior yet e’en aft I told her tis my own personal affairs, she continued to ask me what was on my mind. When I chose to leave the temple to go find him rather than disclosing anything else of a personal nature to her, she stated that I was colder than Sir Shannon himself. With no care for what she thought of me at the moment and the need to speak with him alone building, I simply stated that I probably was colder at the moment. She continued on about how Sir Shannon had spent a year in the Abyss to which I responded, “So I have heard.” I wonder why she believes that divulging others’ personal information is perfectly alright? I further wonder if Sir Shannon himself would wish me to know such. Tis not the first time I have heard her state this, though I shall not be the one to further this as common knowledge. Tis his to divulge should he so choose.
I walked to the common area with her behind me but he was not there. When I turned to go, he rounded the corner and stated he had been looking for me. His eyes showed a bit of hesitance in speaking with me, perhaps he merely knew not what to say or where to begin. I asked him if I could speak with him alone, in private, to which he stated, “Yes, anything you wish.” The woman spoke then saying, “Ah, I will see you two later.” We stated good day to her and left for the Inn where we chose a private gathering room to speak.
It was the most confusing conversation I believe I have e’er had in my life to begin with. Things were stated that made no sense, then the retorts seemed not to fit the original statement at all. Finally, I told him how I had seen perfectly good relationships ruined by so called do-gooders who would not keep out of others’ affairs. I asked him if this is what he wished for us, to which he stated a resounding no. We talked briefly of her interference and assumptions of us and he explained that she was merely trying to help him. Am I so difficult to speak with that he has to have someone help him? Someone to talk to me FOR him? I think not. The woman has stated on more than occasion that she is a reason another couple is together and that they would not state their feelings for each other until she stepped in. So, it would seem that she believes because of this, that every couple will be the same? I am far from incapable of speaking my mind as is he, though he sometimes lacks the words to speak it but we have done perfectly fine on our own.
Our conversation turned to him feeling as though he is taking time from my duties and somehow standing in the way of the progress I came here to make. We talked at length of this and have come to an understanding.
The last topic discussed was the most difficult I believe I have e’er spoke of with anyone.
Love…. What is it?
He has spoken his love for me while down on one knee afore me. We talked of my home and of the arranged engagement that I left to serve Torm. We talked of how love played no role in marriages where I came from and how I knew not what it was between a man and a woman. I asked for his help that I might put a definition to love or at least have a strong idea of what it MIGHT be. He was not entirely certain himself of what love is, though he believes that what he feels is love. He spoke of being willing to fight through enemies to have merely a moment with me. He spoke of his thoughts being filled with me day and night. He spoke of fighting death itself if he had to, in order to be with me again. While his examples were that of a man, I began to see a parallel in some of the things I have felt. He explained honestly that he could not be certain this was love, but he truly believed it to be. He stated that he has ne’er afore felt this for anyone, nor has he e’er stated the words, “I love you” to anyone afore. He also stated that he does not intend to speak them to anyone else e’er again. I am uncertain what exactly he meant by that.
I cannot deny the bond that lies between us. I cannot deny what I feel when I am with him and what I feel when I am not. I cannot deny that having trouble rise up between us caused a piercing pain in my heart. If his definition of love is correct and based on my own feelings, then it would make sense that I love him as well. He spoke of wishing to have me always. This sent a literal shiver through me as my life is not my own. I explained to him that I cannot promise him forever. Should Torm call me, I must… and I will go. He seemed to understand and spoke the same of Mielikki should she call him. He wished my agreement that nothing other than the respective Gods that we serve would come before each other. This I can agree to knowing that he understands my duties and will not stand in the way of them.
Our darkest and most shameful secrets were revealed to each other during the conversation. Tears were shed, fears were evident and guilt was heavy in the room, yet no matter how dark the secret or how shameful, they were met with understanding and hope. It frightens me to think of how much he knows of me. Perhaps frightens is not the right word though it leaves me open and vulnerable as I have ne’er been afore. I am certain that he feels the same.
Spoken words came to an end as the early morning bustle began in the Inn. He was so close to me, so close I could feel his breath against my face, so close that he needed barely whisper for me to hear him yet nothing was whispered. Instead, he moved just a bit forward and kissed me so softly, so gently, so lovingly. It was a kiss filled with promises, filled with loyalty and filled with sheer honesty. More than all of his words put together, his first kiss revealed his heart to me completely.
-
This journal page is uneven, dotted by what would appear to be swellings in the parchment from small water drops. The blue ink has run in places indicating further that some form of liquid reached the page. The script, although the same as the previous entries, is shaky
Something has gone terribly wrong.
Upon meeting the young man I see in the common area, he asked of me to help him choose a weapon that would be suitable for battling undead. All was well to my knowledge, or at least it seemed to be. His smile upon my arrival was as bright as normal and although I do not believe he realized it, he held onto my hands until we departed the common area, even though many were present at the time.
We traveled to the arms shop in Peltarch and began speaking of what type of weapon he should use. He tried various ones yet seemed certain that he needed a blunt weapon for his purpose. At one point, he asked of me what I thought, or at least I believe it was me he was asking. He stated, “What do you think de…” he paused and then changed it to my name. I do not know what the De was, though perhaps it was the name of a prior lady he was involved with? I asked of him, “De?” but he did not answer and I did not push him. As we stood discussing the weapons, I had removed a piece of my leg armor as the strapping has been giving me a lot of trouble, biting into my thigh when I moved and cutting off the blood flow to my leg. When he noted that I was rubbing my thigh, he asked of me what was wrong. I told him twas a piece of leg armor and the strapping giving me trouble. He as much as stated that I was lying to him and lowered to his knees to be in direct view of my thigh. Such things he does often and innocently without thought of others present and I can only imagine what the weapons vendor must have been thinking.
At this moment, the woman who offered to train me in hand to hand combat arrived at the shop. As if this was not bad enough in appearance, her comment made it much worse.
“I will pay for a room if you two cannot afford one.”
She spoke as though her words should be taken as common practice, yet I found them extremely offensive and assuming of her. My retort to her was meant to be curt and to let her know that her ‘help’ was not needed, neither was her brash chiding wanted. I simply stated to her, “I have a room, thank you.” Obviously she is not good at taking hints for her following comment stripped me of any sense of privacy I had left, leaving me to feel as though I might as well be completely naked afore all present. It was most improper and uncalled for.
“Then I hope the bed is big enough for both of you.”
She smirked upon saying this as though she was quite pleased with herself. I was simply stunned, nay, shocked that a woman would be so brash in public and make such assumptions of others which were CLEARY not her concern. This is not the first time she has done so, though at least the last time, the only ones present were the three of us. That was bad enough. One glance to him told me that he was as shocked and embarrassed as I was. His reply was surely meant to let her know that her assumption was wrong, yet the words he spoke left me feeling as though I wished I could crawl completely inside my armor and hide there. “It is. It is QUITE roomy. There is A LOT of space between us!” he answered.
Granted, he has shared the bed in my room with me on occasion when we spoke into the night and he was far too tired to make the journey back to Jiyyd. He has never been anything but a gentleman. By the Gods, he has never even kissed me!!
Whispering ensued between the two of them and I decided to slip from the room not only to give them space, but also to regain my own composure. I went upstairs to Vanity Plates and pretended to peruse there for several moments before returning downstairs. Upon my return, they were still whispering so I simply stood there until addressed by him. He was clad in so much weaponry that it took me back, a vision of my Uncle before he set off to fight in defense of my homelands…. Never to return.
He wished to know if I felt his speed in changing weapons and strapping on his shield was sufficient. As I watched him, my mind traveled back to the lessons I saw given to the young men in my homelands, the ones who chose to train as warriors. I told him I suppose tis sufficient and he again began whispering with her, though he seemed suddenly uncomfortable. A moment later, the woman asked if he needed a drink to calm himself. He replied he needed only some fresh air as the room was quite “hot”. Twas not hot in the least and his sudden exit left me feeling as though there was something I had done wrong. The woman spoke and stated in a round about way that I was the reason for him acting as such. She made no sense whatsoever, none and no matter what questions I asked in attempt to clarify, she confused me even further. I told her I would like to know what had taken place and what she thought was wrong with him, as none of it made sense at all. Leaving my question unanswered, she simply headed to the door and asked if I was coming. I followed reluctantly aft being left out of the majority of the conversations and having no idea what it was she was accusing me of.
Upon exiting the shop, he was sitting on the ground leaning up against a crate. He greeted us and when I looked to her, she tossed her head in his direction as if to tell me something yet it told me nothing. He stated her name in a rather stern manner and asked to speak with her. More whispering. Obviously I was not wished within their conversations, yet tis perfectly alright for her to make assumptions and comments about our affairs. Confused and upset, I excused myself stating I would be in the Temple.
I knelt in prayer, in confusion and baffled at the tears that fell from my eyes. I understand nothing of what has happened, neither do I understand being so blatantly left out of it. The one place I feel safe now, in the small room with Torm’s statue, I pen this. I know not what has taken place. I know not what it is she accuses me of. I know not why she believes she has the right to butt into our affairs and I know not why these blasted tears will not cease nor why they are present!! Obviously he has told her of something I have done wrong… or perhaps of something I did not do that I should have? All I know is that her interference has caused much turmoil between us and I must stop it.
She must learn that tis not her place to interfere in my personal affairs, neither to make assumptions of my personal life.As for him, if she has not already swayed him too far, perhaps he can explain to me what has taken place. I will seek him out and hope that he will do so.
Torm, why does this pain me so?
-
Aspiring… several dots of blue ink follow the word as though the writer was in thought
Is this what I am? I fail to see how a chosen of Torm can be an “Aspiring Tormtal”, yet tis how the Magistrate identified me to another in the common area. One who aspires to accomplish something. Perhaps in this definition it does describe me but it is not my own goals that I am here to accomplish. Were I chasing my own goals, it would certainly not be within the walls of this stuffy, stone city. Were I chasing my own goals, it would certainly not include standing in the common area and being publicly humiliated by the very one I admired so. Were I chasing my own goals, it would most assuredly not include leaving my home and traveling for two years to a land such as this in order to learn from those who know, as I was instructed to do, merely to meet with denial and being treated as though I am not worthy to walk the same cobblestone. Torm found me worthy to call into His service, therefore my worth is not for humans to judge. I must wonder, how can one aspire to be something they already are?
Surely there must be others here who have been chosen and because of it, given up their own goals and lives? I did not choose this life yet I live it because tis what Torm wishes of me, what He requires of me.
Aspiring Tormtal… no dear Magistrate, I think not. I am already a Tormtal by His wish and by His gifts.
I have been reading the history of Peltarch as time allow. I find it fascinating to learn how the city became what it is. Apparently much of it is the doing of the one I saw in the divination, the Fisher King. He was pronounced King of Peltarch yet he relinquished it after setting up a form of government for the city. In watching, listening and learning from the people here and in studying the laws of Peltarch, I must wonder if it still stands for what he meant it to stand for.
The young half-elf I have been seeing was not in good spirits this day. Apparently he was hired with a group of people to find a missing ship, which they did however, they also found legions of undead and even a necromancer. As he described the incident and what happened, I could identify feelings of uselessness and helplessness in his words. He was haggard and worn in appearance, still brandishing the blood stains from wounds that had been healed. He spoke of being unable to help his friend yet of knowing she did not need his help. He spoke of his blade slipping between the bones of the undead and of his arrows missing them. He seemed quite distraught at his own inability to battle the undead. As he spoke, there seemed to be an underlying element he was not telling me. I have ne’er seen him in such a state and though I wished desperately to be able to raise his spirits, I do not believe I did so. As conservation continued, it occurred to me what the underlying element may be. Perhaps I should have kept my thoughts to myself, though I wish not to keep things from him. It has not been the nature of our relationship to do so and I did not wish to begin such now so I asked him of it. Although his response seemed cold and curt at first, he showed it was not with the small smile and his furthered words of agreement. He was concerned, even worried that he would not be able to keep me safe should he need to. He spoke of finding himself wishing to keep me safe more than anything in the world. I begin to see the depth of the feelings he holds for me. Surprisingly, they are much deeper than I had realized.
The woman he spoke of approached later on. She was unscathed in appearance and although thoughtful, seemed in good health. She spoke of a blade she found in the Tower and of how the necromancer wished her to return it to him. She refused to do so and stated that she would give the blade to either the Magistrate or to a caster whom I have had limited dealings with. I found her conversation difficult to follow, though I did understand that she hopes she did the right thing. By this I can only assume she meant in keeping the blade. Perhaps some knowledge can be garnered from it that will help in the battle against the undead. She is the same woman who has offered to help me learn hand to hand combat, making the offer yet again directly to the Magistrate as I spoke to him. I have asked her if her offer still stands and upon her affirmative response, I have stated that I wish to learn from her. The young man I see trusts her implicitly and I have heard things of her ability in battle that concur with his words of her talent. I shall do all that I can to learn from her so that one day, I may take up the fight against the undead as well, in the name of Torm.
-
Though the script is the same as the previous two entries, this entry of penned in blue ink rather than in black
Several days have passed since I last wrote here. Much has happened and I have met many new people since my last entry.
A paladin of Torm, a woman, one who is strong in stature and as most paladins I have met, quite zealous. She and I have talked quite a bit and she has invited me to join an order in the city called the Order of the Divine Shield. I have not declined the invitation, though I have stated to her that I wish to travel with the members and learn of what they do and how they operate afore making a decision. She has stated that the Order would be watching me and gauging if I am fit to be a member. I intend to gauge them and ensure they are fit to have me. I have seen such orders go terribly wrong when their members become arrogant and begin acting as judge and jury, persecuting people for no more reason than their appearance.
A half-elf arcane caster, one who is pleasing to the eye as well as friendly and very helpful. I have been warned that he has a black heart, yet each of his actions in my presence have been helpful and lacking in selfishness. He has asked nothing in return for his help, ne’er once. I shall be wary as I have been warned to be and I shall be ever watchful, yet I shall not judge nor condemn a man on the words of those who can offer me no proof of their findings when his very actions have shown no evil at all. I have spoken with the young half-elf with whom I spend much time on this matter. He has advised me that this caster carried his corpse to the city and paid for his resurrection, never even asking for what it cost him to do so in return. Indeed, I shall continue to watch and learn.
A woman, a trickster of sorts who is well versed in the use of a blade. She has offered to teach me the ways of hand to hand combat and I believe I shall take her up on the offer. She seems a good person, though she follows no God other than Lady Luck.
A man, quiet in nature yet ever helpful. He seems to know the gypsies well though I am uncertain as to why. His health is not good, though he claims tis good as long as he is breathing. An oddity as divine healing hurts him yet he is not undead. I have traveled with him many times and still know little about him other than he was not raised by his parents and he knows nothing of the relationship between men and women which I find odd, him being an adult and having interactions with both regularly from what I have seen.
A man, a warrior, though he calls himself a holy warrior, he possesses not the abilities of the paladins I know. A gentleman it would seem, yet something is simply not right. Tis as though a piece is missing, or there is something he is hiding. A muscular man, quite handsome yet I find myself wary in his presence. He claims to be from a land that none I have spoken with have e’er heard of. He claims to be a knight, furthermore, an elite knight to his King. These things along with his intense interest in the law add up to a curious combination. Our first actual discussion did not go well as things were assumed on both sides that led to misconceptions. I wish I knew why I feel so leery in his presence. I shall continue to learn of him and watch him closely as he could still be a scout… the kind I dread the most.
At last I have met the man I have been referred to thrice now. Each time I have asked whom I might learn the ways of Torm and their application from, this man is the one I am advised to seek out. He is a Priest of Torm as well as a city Magistrate so I am certain he is quite busy. I was sorely disappointed in our meeting. My disappointment did not stem from him, but rather from myself. He asked me to recite a part of Torm’s dogma and I did so. Truly, I was pleased that I could state it after studying for only a week’s time. He was not pleased with what I stated, calling it a text book recital… which it was, yet this is the first place I have found any written word or live followers of Torm. How could I do more than recite what I have only recently learned? How am I to know the application of a dogma I am only now finding? He turned and left me without further word. I shall not give up so easily. I shall seek him out again and again as tis what Torm himself has told me to do. If I am to be tested and publically humiliated over and over then so be it. I have not traveled for the past 2 years in search of this to simply let it go upon the first signs of challenge.
Odd things are taking place in Peltarch. They begin with a shriek, piercing sound that escalates to painful levels followed by bright flashes of light and apparitions appearing in the common area. Each time they seem to show a bit of the history of Peltarch. Quite challenging indeed for one so new to the city as I know not who the people in the divinations are. I have taken to reading some of the history of Peltarch in an attempt to learn more of what I am seeing.
The young half-elf and I spend much time together. We speak often and for long hours. He is witty, funny, full of life, charming and a bit silly at times. It seems there are no topics that we cannot discuss and nearly always agree on. He is gaining ground where a solid wall was once in place. I remind myself of why I am here yet I find myself looking forward to seeing him again. Tis odd to know such a lack of control o’er my own being.
I shall be cautious not to allow my purpose here to be shaded by anything. I must retain my focus.Tis strange how our views parallel in so many ways…
-
What a wonderful day. Although it rains often here, I had the opportunity to walk a bit about the city and I came upon a small park. It was lovely to find a bit of nature within the stone walls.
As I sat in the park in thought and in prayer, the young, I presume half-elven man approached. His smile I believe would light the realms of nature itself with its genuine luster. After a brief exchange of playful banter, he presented a small bouquet of flowers that I have identified as forget-me-nots. They were lovely and quite fresh. I in turn presented him with the small sapling I had found uprooted and asked if perhaps he would like to plant it. He seemed quite thrilled and to my surprise, wished to take me with him to do so.
As we made our way to small glade, I observed him in nature’s realm. He is truly at home there though he appears quite comfortable in a city as well. He asked on several occasions if I trusted him which I found rather odd. I have reason to distrust him hence I wonder if in the past he has been distrusted. When we reached an opening in the forest trees, he had me close my eyes and led me into a small glade. I assume since the glade was rather private, that I should know not my way to it. It was absolutely magnificent. The forest opened up and gave way to a view of a waterfall with a backdrop of trees and various plants about. Even the scent was fresh, clean and untouched. He found where he wished to plant the small sapling and I watched as he did so with great care. We talked well into the night with no interruptions. I find his views refreshing as well as sensible. Late into the night, we thought it best to rest. Never losing the air of a true gentleman, he took a place on the opposite side of the fire from me, assuring me that I would remain safe as long as he was there and that early in the morn, he would escort me back to Peltarch should I wish it. Tis odd how I find that I do trust him, even knowing little about him.
He has offered his hands in a gesture that he is willing to help me in any way that he can. I wonder if that will still remain true when he learns what it is I seek.