Into the Mind of a Priestess
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So much change lies around me. People have changed, their titles and positions have changed, the very land has changed. I sat alone today on a hilltop and watched the comings and goings of the people in this town I once called home. So many I have ne'er seen afore. An opportunity to reach them for Him or a sign I no longer belong?
My life has changed so much. I remember the person I was and how I used to laugh. For the most part my heart was at peace and happy. As I recall this "me" from the past, I compare her to the person I am now and I am left to wonder who this new person is and where and why the other has left me. I am no stranger to sacrifice. I have sacrificed more in my life than any other human will e'er know… more than e'en I wish to admit. But to what avail? So that I become like the others who so readily judged and shunned me upon my arrival here? That is simply not acceptable to me yet I wonder if tis the burden bore by those who are called. Still, if tis so, why has it taken so long to show itself? If I must sacrifice e'en the very person I am, why was I chosen? Was I not close enough to His heart to be called by Him? I do not care for this new person within me. I have so many questions and nearly no answers at all.
Change... the land, the people, the laws, the structures, the titles... yet I cannot allow myself to change for in doing so, I bury the very person He chose to serve Him. I know not how, though I must fight this with all I have left within me.
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I wandered the lands alone today looking for some sort of recognition in this place I once called my home. So much has changed here since the war. The terrain has changed drastically and although once a Lieutenant in the Norwick Militia, one very familiar with the layout of Norwick lands, I can no longer find my way around. The southern gates are still present though even the town itself has changed. Still, it seems to have changed less than the rest of the lands. The path to Peltarch is desolate and unrecognizable, the snowcapped hills gone… as are the hobgoblins that once pestered travelers. Peltarch itself is no more than what I would define as the beginnings of a city with unpaved streets and crude buildings. E'en the Temple has changed greatly. The one change I notice that seems positive is that there is more nature in the once stone city now.
There are a few dots of ink where the quill was held o'er the page in thought, the writer staring out into the distance at a landscape she no longer recognizes. With a heavy sigh, she takes quill to parchment again
I recall so many things here from the past. Feelings, events, people, battles, but ne'er do I recall feeling lost here afore. I always knew my purpose... HIS purpose... for me here. It was as clear in my mind and heart as the anything had e'er been. I ask for guidance... for His wishes... but there seems no reply. How am I to interpret His silence? Have I made a mistake and gone astray from His wishes in returning to this land I no longer know?
People... I have seen two that I knew, one that I knew well though e'en he has changed. I suppose this should not surprise me given the length of time I was away yet somehow it still does. The other seems to have grown a bit more settled though was still his normal, cheery self.. a nice consolation amidst the change I struggle to accept and acknowledge. There are some I look forward to seeing... one who shares my faith and my passion for the milita and one who I mentored long ago. My prayers are that they are well and in tune with their Gods' wishes.
As for me, I know not where I belong any longer, a feeling that is most unpleasant and unnerving given my calling. I recall so many things here from the past. Feelings, events, people, battles, but ne'er do I recall feeling lost here afore. I always knew my purpose... HIS purpose... for me here. It was as clear in my mind and heart as anything had e'er been. I ask now for guidance... for His wishes... but there seems no reply. How am I to interpret His silence? Have I made a mistake and gone astray from His wishes in returning to this land I no longer know? Does His wish me to take on my prior role and continue to pursue His wishes from afore? I simply do not know though I pray with all of my heart that He reveals it soon afore these feelings of being so lost take o'er and...
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Much time has passed since I have written here and much happened and changed.
The stone I was given as a child has turned out to be a God’s Puzzle. Something that little is known about, mostly tales. Someone is helping me learn of this item though thus far, nothing we have learned from the folk lore has applied.
The one whom so many call evil has turned from his ways. He asked me to guide him in his attonement and I have done so. I have seen such a change in him and it makes my heart smile each time I seem him display his newfound heart. I am so proud of him as he still faces much verbal abuse from those who would continue to judge him without the facts, yet he continues to stand strong in heart and keep his focus on the decision he has made. I have recommended him to the Chancellor of Norwick for an official position. The Chancellor has agreed and has spoken with him and the final word is pending. Twill be a joy to work with him and continue to watch him learn and grow in his newfound faith.
Speaking of Norwick, much to my surprise, I have been promoted to Senior Guard in the militia. Tis a wonderful opportunity to further serve Torm and I shall do all I am able to tend to it to my greatest ability.
The obyrith we faced has been slain though tis suspected that it was only removed from our plane. The old man is still affected greatly by it and it seems he refuses to turn away since the demon has him convinced it is a God. I am near certain Norwick will sentence the old man to death given his crimes of slaying 12 people. I continue to visit the Shrine of Lathander, asking the Morning Lord to cleanse the old man from the demon’s taint so that at least his soul will be free if he is executed.
On a personal note, the one I was promised to I are no longer together. We remain close in that we share much along with many memories. Our paths have indeed taken different directions as I had so greatly feared yet it has all turned out well. He has moved on to find another love and I pray daily for his happiness. I, too, have moved on to find another love. One that has taken me quite by surprise as it seems to have snuck up on me rather than hitting me like a whirlwind as the previous one did. He has been there for a very long time, always at my side, always supporting me, yet I did not see it… or perhaps I did not allow myself to feel it. Our duties are aligned and our goals the same even though we will serve it different capacities. He is steadfast and loyal, handsome beyond words and strong in heart and body. My only concern for our future lies in the fact that he is also of a status far beyond my own in his homelands. He assures me regularly that I shall do fine yet I wonder. We have spoken of our future together many times. He wishes five children which overwhelms me. Perhaps I am simply not ready for the commitment of children yet as I still have much work to do here. We have spoken of a home and locations for one. Our relationship is moving forward quickly and I find myself nervous. We are currently formerly courting as his father would require. The next step is engagement. I know this is forthcoming and not in the too distant future. He is a wonderful man and one I can envision spending my life with. I truly love him, still I am nervous about trying to fit into his world.
A second request for knighting in the Order has been sent by my mentor. I have heard no word back on this as of yet.
I shall write more as time allows.
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Change. Changing. So much change has taken place around me. People I have known are changing both for the good and for the bad. Changes are taking place within me as well. I am no longer the child afraid to speak her mind. I no longer doubt my beliefs of what is right and wrong. I know now without doubt where I am to be… and why. I no longer cry over the hurtful actions of others, those who would openly lie about me in attempt to stop my progress, those who would deceive me, those who claim and promise many things I know shall ne’er be delivered. I no longer rely on others for my own happiness. This I find comes from within me and tis something no other can take nor touch lest I allow it. I find great happiness in a place of service. Tis as it should be. A child’s teary eyed embrace upon their realization that I understand their fear. A superior’s smile when I have performed well. Watching a recruit I worked with progress and stay alive in a large scale battle. A friend’s whispered words spoken in trust and confidence. People are realizing that I am trustworthy and although tis not always an easy path, tis one that holds great rewards. Yet with all of the change taking place, there is still so much more needed.
Celestials and demons battle in these lands. Such great battles that they light up the skies in a flurry of brightness clashing with darkness. My strength grows and Torm allows me a higher level of power that I might be more useful. Still I train endlessly, striving with blade and divine power to be e’en better. I strive to remember that what He allows me is not my own and that tis to be used wisely for His purpose. Humility in service.
Bickering. I have ne’er seen so much childish bickering anywhere in my life. People completely lose sight of the full picture and focus on their own selfishness consistently. So many here wish to be the center of attention when working together would bring about much better results in a much faster manner. They intentionally withhold information from each other. This baffles me. Who in these lands has a wish to die? None that I have found. Yet by withholding information from each other they run this exact risk. Death. They give the enemy the advantage. They further make a mockery of the very Gods that work together as a team. Yet these same people who do this will stand in open judgment of me without as much as speaking to me that they might have actual facts instead of unjustified opinions. Truly, I must learn where they purchased their all knowing crystal balls and get one for myself. Childish behavior indeed, born of sheer insecurity. Further baffling to me is that no one seems willing to counter these individuals. Are they all brainwashed into believing that one person is so valuable that they are worth not standing together as a land? Are they brainwashed into believing that these individuals are Gods? None the less, they shant stand in the way of my purpose that Torm reveals to me. Tis He whom I serve and only He who truly knows my heart.
There are exceptionally good people here as well. People that realize that change is only effected with time. People who realize the long term goal rather than short-sighted self centeredness. Although few, they are strong and tis these I work along side of in service.
Oddly enough, in stark contrast with the others, these people are quiet and tend not to judge others. Tis truly ironic and nearly comical.You have laid this path afore me and set me to this work for You. Bless what we do in Your name that all may see Your wonder, Lord Torm.
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Choices… indeed how interesting that this very topic is what a conversation with the Magistrate and Priest of Torm turned to.
Everyone makes choices. Everyone. Some made are wiser than others. Some are more selfish. Some are based on full knowledge and some are based on gathered opinions of others.
I have made many choices in my life. I have chosen, ultimately, to follow Torm wherever He may lead and regardless of what others may say, He does lead me and reveal things to me in regards to where He wishes me to be…in many areas.
I have made some choices out of ignorance. Ignorance that has since been replaced with knowledge. The same ignorance that a child possesses, a lack of understanding, knowledge and experience…a lack of wisdom. A child lives often in a fairytale where there are no real consequences for wrong choices they may make. They learn by exploring and making mistakes. They learn by listening to the opinions of those they trust and love. I did ask. I did listen and I have, with much time, learned, but I am no longer a child and I am now faced with the consequences of righting these choices I have made in ignorance. I shall do so as tis all I can do now to ensure I remain on a path that will allow me to serve Him fully…a path filled with the possibility of a lifetime of opportunities for service.
Torm grant me the strength to see this through in the wisest way possible.
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So much is happening…changing. Choices are made based on one’s beliefs or on what lies in their heart. I question my choices regularly. Too often perhaps, though given the time I have spent in prayer asking for guidance, can I ignore the signs I am given?
I have surely built some solid friendships in these lands. Friendships that I know shall not fail me when the time comes. These I do not question. They are solid and the trust is well placed. I am cautious in whom I truly place my trust. There are many here who can be trusted with only so much knowledge and information and I have learned who they are and continue to learn.
I am now a recruit for the Norwick Militia. Certainly this has been a draining, exhausting and painful venture thus far, but it has also been rewarding, even worth it. Much is expected of those who will defend Norwick and much is what I have given and will continue to give.
Celestials have come to the aid of Norwick. They were first seen not long after I joined as a recruit. Though surely I am not the reason they are here, I take this as a sign that indeed I am on the right path in being here in service. Twice now I have had the privilege of working with them. The first time twas only one. The second time twas two. They are…wonderous, beautiful and awe striking beings. Their very presence is prove positive that the Gods of good faiths are listening to the pleas for help from those who follow them tirelessly. It is said that there are seven of them altogether though thus far, to my knowledge, only two have been seen. They fight with a righteous wrath against the demons and the demon tainted goblins that inflict Norwick and threaten her safety. They have asked us for aid. Us! Common folk for the majority. Should we not be thanking them for their very presence?!
I oft find myself challenged in regards to loyalty. Torm…the Loyal Fury. Very loyal, ever true. Loyal first to Faith, second to Family which I have none here, third to Masters which I do now have and fourth to Those of Good Heart. Loyal. To whom do I truly owe this loyalty and for what reasons? Tis obvious in regard to my Faith. My loyalty to Torm is first and foremost, to see to His mandates and His wishes for me. Family…whom is family? I left my family a long time ago. Am I to consider those I am close to here family? Or perhaps those I have come to love? Loyalty. How far should it go? Does it extend to all physical actions as well or only some? The mental is easier understood. If I find I have chosen the wrong path and must redirect myself, is that the same as being disloyal? Will it be viewed as disloyalty? Most likely as most do not realize the things I am shown. It becomes quite a burden to bear to realize that should I make a misjudgment in my life and have to correct it, it could well be seen as disloyalty. People are so judgmental and they certainly judge without having all of the facts. I suppose time will tell if indeed I have made a misjudgment and should Torm reveal to me that I have, I will trust Him and follow the path He sets before me.
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Many men here would seek my attentions. One of them, a young Priest of Torm, brother of the Priest of Torm we aided in Norwick, has gone so far as to have a sword custom made for me.
It is truly beautiful and magically enhanced, a greatsword as is Torm’s favored weapon. Made of silver and engraved, I have found it a most worthy ally in battle. I was stunned to receive such a gift as I had only met the young man but once and little time was spent together then. He seems to be devoted, yet somehow seems to lack the wisdom that Priests normally have. He ne’er even asked of me if there was anyone I was involved with. He now understands that I am spoken for and yet he still wished me to keep the weapon. In fact, he insisted that I keep it. I have done so and told him that upon my death, the weapon is to be returned to him.
The Priest of Torm, a member of the militia in Norwick… engaged to a woman who works in the apothecary. He is a good man and it seems we have much in common in our backgrounds yet I wonder if he is making the right choice in his marriage. I have seen him on more than occasion quite taken with a Sunite Priestess. Although this is generally typical male behavior as the Sunite women tend to bare themselves, this seems to be different. He is indeed taken with her physical beauty, though I have seen him spend much time with her in conversation as well. I pray that Torm will guide him and give him the wisdom to remain loyal, as is our Lord.
In speaking with this Priest the other day on a hill not far from the bonfire in Norwick, a large black cat seemed to appear from nowhere. He was as black as a starless night sky and his eyes seemed the same color making them difficult to see. He did not seem to pose a threat, rather stood there watching us as if listening to our conversation. I carry no meat in my pack so I took out an apple and laid it on the grass for him. He took the apple and flopped onto his side, biting and pawing at it playfully. It was quite cute to watch. When he finished toying with the apple, he nudged it back to me as if returning it and leaped over the fence, disappearing from sight. We thought little of it, assuming it was perhaps some mage’s familiar.
Only a couple of days later on that same hill while speaking with the knight warrior, the same cat appeared again from nowhere. I offered the apple again, though this time he did not seem to wish anything to do with it. So I lowered to my haunches and spoke to him, “What are you doing here? Have you an owner somewhere about?” Much the surprise of both the knight warrior and myself, the cat spoke in plain common, “No owner.” Upon regaining my composure, I questioned the cat further and asked if he was someone’s familiar. He was offended by this, stating he was not a pet. I apologized for my lack of knowledge of the arcane, something I fully intend to study further in the future. I further questioned him on how he was able to speak with us. Twas not a druid, as he stated that druids cannot speak in animal forms. He told me, bluntly and rather rudely, that I was asking obvious questions that had obvious answers. Again, I apologize for my lack of knowledge though his attitude was not appreciated. He was arrogant to say the least. I managed to learn from him that he, as he stated, “A part of someone who knows me” and that he is there because he is watching me. The knight warrior and I stood in silence for a moment and the cat looked between us and stated, “If you are just going to stand there and stare at me, scratch my back,” and then moved to me so that I might do so. I told him at this point that I found him rude, arrogant and obnoxious and asked if he was always this way or if something was bothering him. He countered with, “you did not find me such the other day.” I stated to him that the other day he was fun and playful and well mannered and this time, he was quite different. He then made a statement that revealed his true personality. He said, “I grew tired of the façade.” When I questioned the reason for his watching me, he told me not to flatter myself thinking that I am something special, that I am not the only one he watches. I told him I had not assumed such, I merely wished to know why he watches me. His answer came as a surprise at first, though aft a bit of thought, it made more sense. He stated plainly to me, “You are a threat. That is all I will say.” In pondering his statement and reason for watching me, I countered with, “I am only a threat to those of evil heart and intent.” I then stated, “Perhaps you are servant of Malar then.” He did not respond, he merely disappeared as quickly as he had appeared in the first place, leaving me to wonder about the possibilities. I am clearly being watched and if indeed he views me as a threat, that would indicate that he or whom he works with is of evil persuasion.
I find it most ironic that this happened soon after I was asked to help someone atone. Further irony is found in the fact that the one I was asked to help is a mage. These cats are oft used as mage’s familiars.
I have spoken with my mentor of this and he has agreed with my thinking that tis indeed possible. He has asked of me what action I will take and I have stated that I will continue my duty as is mandated by Torm. He has agreed and stated that I should simply watch and learn for now, which I fully intend to do.
Torm grant me the wisdom to see the truth behind this creature’s words and intentions.
-
So much has happened and so many things are changing. I become nigh onto overwhelmed at times in attempt to keep up with the various troubles in the different areas of this land, not to mention the politics that differ so greatly from locale to locale. So many people are in need of aid yet who is truly aiding them? Oh certainly the politicians and militia men do their best to keep their respective areas safe and free from trouble, but who is truly aiding the citizens? Who is there to help the widows and children with the loss of their husbands and fathers? Who is there is help the lucky few who may be raised to deal with what they went through when death found them? I have thus far seen one and only one official in any area aid someone they did not know in Jiyyd. This official, a large half-orc, brought food to one who was hungry. How many more do not receive such gifts or are not even noticed?
Death has come again and again and again, this time it came for me. I have at last met the succubus the one I am promised to spoke of. Odd, I did not even find her attractive yet she stands there with devilish eyes flashing, attempting to take memories and power from those who would barter with her. I would sooner remain in the fugue forever than to barter with such a being. Though she was not the only one who attempted to get me to barter with them. A balor as well. Sulfa on his hot breath, he spoke as though he actually had some hold over me. I wonder how many fall to their ploys? He too was turned away as I knew in my heart that if Torm wished me to continue my work, it would not be through barter with such wicked creatures. My prayers were indeed answered as the knight warrior and a dwarven Priest of Moradin found my body in the swamps and returned me to the healing shop in Jiyyd to have the ritual performed that called my spirit back to my body. Twas odd to hear a voice calling to me that I did not recognize, calling for my return, telling me twas time to come back. Experiencing the displacement of death to begin with, then the sudden pull of my spirit from one plane to another, left me weak and physically drained. I simply do not understand how so many get up and go about their business immediately aft experiencing this. I was disoriented, tired to the bone and uncertain of even my own steps for some time aft I was called back. Thank Torm for the knight warrior who never left my side, cared for me and seemed to understand what I was going through somehow. He even managed to gather nearly all of my belongings while under attack by a troll who pursued them clear into Jiyyd.
Only a day later while in aid to the Norwick militia and a Priest of Torm in battling back goblins that were attacking, the knight warrior fell. A druid whom I have grown to respect and care for carried his body while changed into a bear form. She trudged on for miles seemingly without tiring. I watch her in amazement at times and wonder if people realize how much they owe to the druids. Even those who reside in large cities will at times, “travel to the wilds for peace and quiet to get away” with no thought as to how those wilds seem to magically keep themselves balanced. His body was taken back to the apothecary in Norwick where the ritual was performed by the Priest of Torm we were aiding to call his spirit back. How I wished to be there for him as he was for me, to comfort him and aid him in reorienting himself. He was surrounded by people and safe, those about him caring for him and though it hurt to realize it, I had to step back knowing that twas not my place to do so as I am promised to another. Upon seeing the ritual completed, I left the apothecary and found a quiet place to ponder and pray.
Some time later, I have again witnessed the fall of the one I am promised to. He fell to several of the best trained warriors the hobgoblins have to offer. He fell in attempt to save my life. Twice I had fallen to the ground gravely wounded and twice he had managed to heal me and tell me to run. The first time I attempted to run, a blade caught me in the back and tore me open. I fell to the ground and again, he healed me telling me to run. Disoriented and bleeding profusely, this time I managed to get away only to hear his cries to help as he fell. I was helpless to aid him, nigh onto death myself. I managed to chant a healing spell before they laid chase after me. I ran down the ridge and along it, leading them in a circle until I reached the next plain where I had lost them. Kneeling in prayer, already tired, bloody and filthy, I asked Torm’s aid for the task that lay ahead of me. Rarely do I call upon those on the celestial plane for aid, yet I knew I could not do this alone for as soon as I stepped back into sight, there would be at least 4 of them awaiting me. Calling as many of Torm’s blessings as I could and asking for the aid of a celestial ally, we turned back and began to battle. Four of them stood before us. My ally felled the first as my blade swung true and felled the second. The celestial’s time was gone and it was called back to its home plane leaving me to stand against two more of their strongest warriors. I swung at one of their necks at the same time the other’s blade nearly ran me through. I stumbled backwards and turned and ran yet again, giving me the opportunity to cast a healing spell afore having to battle them further. At last, they were felled. I made my way to the top of the ridge in prayer the entire time, knowing that I had to get his body back to Norwick where I had seen my mentor and knowing many more of the hobgoblins would litter the pass I had to travel.
I gathered his body, tears filling my eyes and my legs barely holding up beneath the weight. Calling the blessing of Torm’s strength to aid me, I trudged along the ridge though could only move at a slow pace. At the other end more awaited. I assessed them from above and they seemed to have an evil smirk as though they already knew the disadvantage they had me at. A quick inventory of my potions had told me I would have to battle them on faith. “No choice, you must trust,” I whispered to myself. The cold was bitter against my face where the tears were falling. I managed to continue on through the snow, my feet digging deep holes from the weight I was carrying. Down the ridge I went, slowly, burdened. There were two and they saw me before I managed to get to the bottom. Blocking as best I could with my sword, I deflected both of their blows but was not able to strike back efficiently. I had to lay his body down behind me so that I could guard it with my life but this gave them the opportunity to attack from behind. Luckily only one blow landed and the other missed. I turned back and cried out to Torm, my pleas echoing through the ridge. Battle continued, the snow tainted red with their blood and mine. Dizzy and weak, I pulled a potion from my belt quickly and drank it. My sword struck true and one was felled, the other was stumbling from his wounds. I needed only the strength for one more blow and it was granted me, a blow so powerful it sent the body of my foe flying backwards from the force. I stumbled a bit from the force of the swing, blood running from my arm, my side and my leg. The cold seemed to stop the pain a bit though twas still very present.
Gathering his body to me again, I descended the ridge and turned to enter the final plain where I knew I would have to battle. I had hoped to escape without it by sneaking through the valleys near the gypsy camp. Torm saw fit to test my faith further and I answered. As I came close to the valley, there were four of them, all magic users, directly above where I had to pass. Twas deep in the night and difficult to see, leaving me to wonder if perhaps there were more than I saw. I closed my eyes and knelt in prayer asking for the blessings and strength to see me through this last battle. Rising and again calling upon Torm’s strength to aid me, the weight did not seem so heavy and I was able to walk forward at a normal pace. I ascended the hill where I had seen the four, prepared for a battle with odds in their favor yet holding strongly to my faith. Two of them saw me, then all four. They began chanting their evil magics in attempt to lower my strength for battle. Again I cried out to Torm and laying the body down, I set to battle, slashing wildly at them, my sword landing true as I spun in the circle when suddenly three of them turned and ran. The last was finished with some ease and when I turned to ensure they had not run off to get aid, out of breath, tears streaming down my face and drained of too much blood to continue on, there stood a gallant warrior battling them. His force was unbelievably strong and he downed them quickly with little effort. I stood in amazement at the blessing that had been sent to me when suddenly he lunged towards me with his sword bared, the blade barely missing me and as I turned, I saw the hobgoblin fall to the snow in a puddle of its own blood. The few words he spoke told me who this warrior was beneath his helm and only then did I realize the full blessing that had been bestowed on me. “You should watch your back,” he stated. Twas the voice of my mentor, a Priest strong in Torm. He took the body I had been carrying and escorted me back to Norwick where he performed the prayers and ritual for calling the spirit back. In shock from my journey and amazement of the answered prayer, I sat silently on a cot in the apothecary simply watching him and wondering if he knew how much of an answer to prayer he was. The spirit returned to the body of the one I am promised to and he stood to his own feet before me crying out, “You are alright!” He then embraced me tightly, overjoyed that his sacrifice had indeed saved my life though unaware of the wounds I still had. I gave him some clothing and my cloak as he was also seemingly unaware that he was naked. My mentor insisted that no payment was necessary for the ritual performed though I know the reagent involved and the cost of it. One day I shall find a way to repay him for all he did. He then escorted us back through the pass in order to gather the belongings of the one I am promised to. It was a blessing to fight at his side and to see the power Torm grants him in battle, though I was completely dismayed to see the one I am promised to take a weapon from one of the fallen hobgoblins and join in the battle as if nothing had taken place. We managed to take them all down and all of his things were gathered. At the south entrance to Peltarch, my mentor left us with few words though we both thanked him again with all of our hearts.
Remaining there for a moment, we spoke of what had happened and of the sacrifice he made. I wonder if he truly realizes it was an unnecessary sacrifice had he only looked to see what we were up against afore drawing their attention. Exhausted and still injured, weakened from loss of blood, the cold and emotional drain, my legs gave out from beneath me and I found myself in the snow. He helped me up and we went back to the Mermaid where rest could be had by both.
Perhaps Mielikki will teach him to be more cautious. If not, Torm grant me the strength of will, heart and body to accept and handle what may come.
-
So much has happened and so many things are changing. I become nigh onto overwhelmed at times in attempt to keep up with the various troubles in the different areas of this land, not to mention the politics that differ so greatly from locale to locale.
So many people are in need of aid yet who is truly aiding them? Oh certainly the politicians and militia men do their best to keep their respective areas safe and free from trouble, but who is truly aiding the citizens? Who is there to help the widows and children with the loss of their husbands and fathers? Who is there is help the lucky few who may be raised to deal with what they went through when death found them? I have thus far seen one and only one official in any area aid someone they did not know in Jiyyd. This official, a large half-orc, brought food to one who was hungry. How many more do not receive such gifts or are not even noticed?Death has come again and again and again, this time it came for me. I have at last met the succubus the one I am promised to spoke of. Odd, I did not even find her attractive yet she stands there with devilish eyes flashing, attempting to take memories and power from those who would barter with her. I would sooner remain in the fugue forever than to barter with such a being. Though she was not the only one who attempted to get me to barter with them. A balor as well. Sulfa on his hot breath, he spoke as though he actually had some hold over me. I wonder how many fall to their ploys? He too was turned away as I knew in my heart that if Torm wished me to continue my work, it would not be through barter with such wicked creatures. My prayers were indeed answered as the knight warrior and a dwarven Priest of Moradin found my body in the swamps and returned me to the healing shop in Jiyyd to have the ritual performed that called my spirit back to my body. Twas odd to hear a voice calling to me that I did not recognize, calling for my return, telling me twas time to come back. Experiencing the displacement of death to begin with, then the sudden pull of my spirit from one plane to another, left me weak and physically drained. I simply do not understand how so many get up and go about their business immediately aft experiencing this. I was disoriented, tired to the bone and uncertain of even my own steps for some time aft I was called back. Thank Torm for the knight warrior who never left my side, cared for me and seemed to understand what I was going through somehow. He even managed to gather nearly all of my belongings while under attack by a troll who pursued them clear into Jiyyd.
Only a day later while in aid to the Norwick militia and a Priest of Torm in battling back goblins that were attacking, the knight warrior fell. A druid whom I have grown to respect and care for carried his body while changed into a bear form. She trudged on for miles seemingly without tiring. I watch her in amazement at times and wonder if people realize how much they owe to the druids. Even those who reside in large cities will at times, “travel to the wilds for peace and quiet to get away” with no thought as to how those wilds seem to magically keep themselves balanced. His body was taken back to the apothecary in Norwick where the ritual was performed by the Priest of Torm we were aiding to call his spirit back. How I wished to be there for him as he was for me, to comfort him and aid him in reorienting himself. He was surrounded by people and safe, those about him caring for him and though it hurt to realize it, I had to step back knowing that twas not my place to do so as I am promised to another. Upon seeing the ritual completed, I left the apothecary and found a quiet place to ponder and pray.
Some time later, I have again witnessed the fall of the one I am promised to. He fell to several of the best trained warriors the hobgoblins have to offer. He fell in attempt to save my life. Twice I had fallen to the ground gravely wounded and twice he had managed to heal me and tell me to run. The first time I attempted to run, a blade caught me in the back and tore me open. I fell to the ground and again, he healed me telling me to run. Disoriented and bleeding profusely, this time I managed to get away only to hear his cries to help as he fell. I was helpless to aid him, nigh onto death myself. I managed to chant a healing spell before they laid chase after me. I ran down the ridge and along it, leading them in a circle until I reached the next plain where I had lost them. Kneeling in prayer, already tired, bloody and filthy, I asked Torm’s aid for the task that lay ahead of me. Rarely do I call upon those on the celestial plane for aid, yet I knew I could not do this alone for as soon as I stepped back into sight, there would be at least 4 of them awaiting me. Calling as many of Torm’s blessings as I could and asking for the aid of a celestial ally, we turned back and began to battle. Four of them stood before us. My ally felled the first as my blade swung true and felled the second. The celestial’s time was gone and it was called back to its home plane leaving me to stand against two more of their strongest warriors. I swung at one of their necks at the same time the other’s blade nearly ran me through. I stumbled backwards and turned and ran yet again, giving me the opportunity to cast a healing spell afore having to battle them further. At last, they were felled. I made my way to the top of the ridge in prayer the entire time, knowing that I had to get his body back to Norwick where I had seen my mentor and knowing many more of the hobgoblins would litter the pass I had to travel.
I gathered his body, tears filling my eyes and my legs barely holding up beneath the weight. Calling the blessing of Torm’s strength to aid me, I trudged along the ridge though could only move at a slow pace. At the other end more awaited. I assessed them from above and they seemed to have an evil smirk as though they already knew the disadvantage they had me at. A quick inventory of my potions had told me I would have to battle them on faith. “No choice, you must trust,” I whispered to myself. The cold was bitter against my face where the tears were falling. I managed to continue on through the snow, my feet digging deep holes from the weight I was carrying. Down the ridge I went, slowly, burdened. There were two and they saw me before I managed to get to the bottom. Blocking as best I could with my sword, I deflected both of their blows but was not able to strike back efficiently. I had to lay his body down behind me so that I could guard it with my life but this gave them the opportunity to attack from behind. Luckily only one blow landed and the other missed. I turned back and cried out to Torm, my pleas echoing through the ridge. Battle continued, the snow tainted red with their blood and mine. Dizzy and weak, I pulled a potion from my belt quickly and drank it. My sword struck true and one was felled, the other was stumbling from his wounds. I needed only the strength for one more blow and it was granted me, a blow so powerful it sent the body of my foe flying backwards from the force. I stumbled a bit from the force of the swing, blood running from my arm, my side and my leg. The cold seemed to stop the pain a bit though twas still very present.
Gathering his body to me again, I descended the ridge and turned to enter the final plain where I knew I would have to battle. I had hoped to escape without it by sneaking through the valleys near the gypsy camp. Torm saw fit to test my faith further and I answered. As I came close to the valley, there were four of them, all magic users, directly above where I had to pass. Twas deep in the night and difficult to see, leaving me to wonder if perhaps there were more than I saw. I closed my eyes and knelt in prayer asking for the blessings and strength to see me through this last battle. Rising and again calling upon Torm’s strength to aid me, the weight did not seem so heavy and I was able to walk forward at a normal pace. I ascended the hill where I had seen the four, prepared for a battle with odds in their favor yet holding strongly to my faith. Two of them saw me, then all four. They began chanting their evil magics in attempt to lower my strength for battle. Again I cried out to Torm and laying the body down, I set to battle, slashing wildly at them, my sword landing true as I spun in the circle when suddenly three of them turned and ran. The last was finished with some ease and when I turned to ensure they had not run off to get aid, out of breath, tears streaming down my face and drained of too much blood to continue on, there stood a gallant warrior battling them. His force was unbelievably strong and he downed them quickly with little effort. I stood in amazement at the blessing that had been sent to me when suddenly he lunged towards me with his sword bared, the blade barely missing me and as I turned, I saw the hobgoblin fall to the snow in a puddle of its own blood. The few words he spoke told me who this warrior was beneath his helm and only then did I realize the full blessing that had been bestowed on me. “You should watch your back,” he stated. Twas the voice of my mentor, a Priest strong in Torm. He took the body I had been carrying and escorted me back to Norwick where he performed the prayers and ritual for calling the spirit back. In shock from my journey and amazement of the answered prayer, I sat silently on a cot in the apothecary simply watching him and wondering if he knew how much of an answer to prayer he was. The spirit returned to the body of the one I am promised to and he stood to his own feet before me crying out, “You are alright!” He then embraced me tightly, overjoyed that his sacrifice had indeed saved my life though unaware of the wounds I still had. I gave him some clothing and my cloak as he was also seemingly unaware that he was naked. My mentor insisted that no payment was necessary for the ritual performed though I know the reagent involved and the cost of it. One day I shall find a way to repay him for all he did. He then escorted us back through the pass in order to gather the belongings of the one I am promised to. It was a blessing to fight at his side and to see the power Torm grants him in battle, though I was completely dismayed to see the one I am promised to take a weapon from one of the fallen hobgoblins and join in the battle as if nothing had taken place. We managed to take them all down and all of his things were gathered. At the south entrance to Peltarch, my mentor left us with few words though we both thanked him again with all of our hearts.
Remaining there for a moment, we spoke of what had happened and of the sacrifice he made. I wonder if he truly realizes it was an unnecessary sacrifice had he only looked to see what we were up against afore drawing their attention. Exhausted and still injured, weakened from loss of blood, the cold and emotional drain, my legs gave out from beneath me and I found myself in the snow. He helped me up and we went back to the Mermaid where rest could be had by both.
Perhaps Mielikki will teach him to be more cautious. If not, Torm grant me the strength of will, heart and body to accept and handle what may come.
-
Time to just be together and speak to each other. At last, we found a small bit of time.
We spoke of many things. We spoke of my mentor and his words to me in regards to our love and the difficulties that could arise from the difference in our faiths. Again, he listened, seemingly attentively, though he seems to feel that this ground has already been covered and that there is nothing more to discuss. He stated that one cannot prepare not to fall from faith. I disagree…probably for the first time. I believe that real understanding and open communication of all of the possibilities and how address them should they arise, is indeed preparing not to fall from faith….as well as not falling from love.His mind and attention do not seem mine as they used to, even during the infrequent times we manage to find time together. He tries…definitely tries to listen and be a part of my life but he is so busy, so involved with his own life that it seems his mind wanders. I wonder if he knows how much I miss him? And not just his presence, but his focus on us, the way we used to talk, the way he used to look at me as though I was the only thing in the world to see. Surely not, for were I to speak it to him, he would take it as a personal failure on his part and it simply is not. Our lives are going in different directions. He asks for my understanding of his frequent absences and tis given to him freely. I do understand that his duties and all of the organizations he is now a part of take up nearly all of his time. Though I worry…for even when I do see him, he is not truly with me but only for brief seconds at a time. And now, I will have additional duties to take my time as well and though he backs me in these whole heartedly, I begin to wonder just how far apart our duties will take us. Will I even know him in a few months?
He has been accepted, at last, by the Narfell Wolves and my heart held so much joy for him. He has waited a very long time for this and I am proud to see him accepted. Still, a part of me cried. So many things are coming together for me now, as they are for him, and not a single one of them is something we could do together. Not one. Are we to be strangers living separate lives, only coming together on rare occasion? The very thought brings the welling of tears in my eyes and I fight within myself not to speak the sadness this brings to my heart. He seeks my approval of his actions and each time he even suspects that I might disapprove, his entire posture and demeanor fall. It is imperative to him that I approve of his actions, hence I hold these feelings inside.
We have decided that I shall wear his ring on my finger rather than about my neck in the hopes that it may sway men I encounter from bidding for my attentions in an inappropriate manner. I believe I begin to see what our household cook meant when she spoke to a young girl about love. The child asked of her why she still wore her wedding ring even though her husband had passed from this life. She replied with a soft smile, “I still wear it because all that it represented it still present within my heart and although he is gone now, the life we had together was enough to last me until my life is also over.” I wonder if he and I could say that same thing, if we will indeed even have a life “together”.
If there is one thing I learned from her as a child, it is how to cook, even though my father was adamant that I did not belong in the kitchen. Perhaps…I shall travel about and gather some items and prepare a wonderful meal for him, something private, in a peaceful location where neither duty nor others can impose.
-
I am now known as Squire Celestria and although the title sounds a bit odd given my background, I wear it most proudly and will strive to do all that I can to serve and learn from he who has entrusted me with it.
I stood before him in the commons for some time as he as the knight warrior spoke to each other. He was introduced to me by a name that meant nothing to me, yet I had seen the symbol he wears so I listened closely to what he had to say. Later, aft the knight warrior left to speak with the Magistrate, he and I continued in conversation and it was revealed to me that the name I was given for him is not what he goes by.
“This is the man the lady paladin of Tyr spoke to me of, the one she stated would be perfect to mentor me!!” My mind raced and I did my best to hide the excitement I felt inside. I recalled her words that she would be sending a letter to him on my behalf and apparently she had indeed done so as he already knew of me.
We spoke for hours about various things, with the Magistrate interjecting his own opinion on occasion from across the commons. He seems such a harsh and completely uncaring man, yet that is not how the lady paladin describes him so I must seek to see beneath the surface. We even spoke of the Magistrate later in our conversation and my mentor revealed to me that he himself was a squire to the Magistrate. He spoke of being afraid of the Magistrate when he was his mentor. This did not settle right with me at all. Fear is not a good teacher. Respect, on the other hand, is.
He spoke many things of the Magistrate and I listened, having little knowledge of the man other than what the lady paladin told me that all of his Squires had been killed. I shared this with my mentor and he found it comical, stating that it was not the Magistrate’s doing, that some Squires simply are foolish. This I can fully understand as I have seen much foolishness since arriving here.We spoke of the difference between judging and eliminating evil, and in giving evil a chance to redeem itself. I have struggled greatly with this as Torm mandates that we do both. Much to my relief, my mentor stated to me that we are to do exactly what I have been doing all along. Thank You, Torm!!!! For I know this was Your answer to my prayers. He spoke of being merciful and of believing in the good in each person. He also spoke to me of how, in this land, people tend to judge us no matter what stance we take. He did caution me that not only can judgmental zealotry mar the name of our God, but also allowing others to believe we are weak will do so. This makes perfect sense as everything comes down to balance in life. Merely to know that he understands compassion is NOT weakness took a great burden from my heart.
We spoke of love and he gave me his opinion on the possible reasons for the knight in the Temple warning me of such. He further states that some believe that clergy and holy warriors should not pursue love. This baffled me. Are clergy and holy warriors not the ones who should the most show love and pursue it? Dependant of course upon the God or Goddess they serve, but given tis one of the Triad, it only makes sense that they should indeed show love and be a living example of love, swift to find the good in others and sway them towards repentance. I have seen so much coldness exhibited by some who follow Torm, so much that it left me embarrassed that they represented the faith I love and live. Are we not to gain new followers for our Master? How can such coldness and open chastisement of others accomplish this? It cannot. Again, what I believed to be truth has been verified.
We spoke further about love and I asked of him his opinion on a marriage between a Tormtal and a chosen of Mielikki. He was quick to state that Mielikki, unlike other Lords of the earth, leans towards the good. This was reassuring, at least somewhat. He further told me that should we find ourselves in a position where our faiths conflict, we would indeed come upon hard times unless we were able to work through it. He asked of me what I would do if the one I love asked me not to do something that my faith mandated that I do. I replied without hesitation that I would indeed do as Torm requires.
He speaks the same things that have been troubling me. Since I spoke to the one I love about the Umberlant I met in Peltarch, I have felt that even though he stands by me in word, he truly does not understand what could be in the future. I will watch and learn carefully the lessons that time and Torm reveal to me in this regard.My mentor stated that he will be in contact with me in regards to what he wishes to do. He said that at present, he had not had the time to think of how he could help me. When I countered that I wished to help and serve him, he showed obviously embarrassment which confused me. Torm is a servant, tis how He has always seen Himself. Is this not also what those who serve Him should be? I look forward to hearing from him, both because I greatly enjoyed our conversation and his knowledge, and because I know that whatever tasks he presents me with will indeed teach me something that I need to know.
At last my path begins to become evident and those I have prayed to find begin to surface. Thank You, Torm, for hearing my prayers and finding me worthy of an answer to them.
-
The knight warrior…leaves me baffled. He has found me yet again in order to apologize for his behavior when last we spoke. He states that he realizes now that the conditions he imposed on one that would love him, are simply not right and that to do so was unfair on his part.
I do not know how long he watched me in the fields as I practiced memorizing the new abilities Torm has given me. I am loathe to think he saw my reaction to some of the spells when at last I got them right. I am now able to call a very large black bear from the celestial planes to aid me. When I finally got the spell right, synchronizing both the motions and the chant, it nearly frightened me half to death to see the large bear standing almost nose to nose with me upon completion. He is magnificent and will make a wonderful companion in battle if needed.
Fire….it suddenly appeared, engulfing me in flames for a mere second afore settling on my sword. I dropped the sword and do not even recall if I spoke, though likely not as my breath was caught upon seeing the fire. Tentatively, I reached forward and lightly touched the hilt of the sword lying on the ground. To my amazement, the hilt was not affected by the fire and still quite cool to the touch. To my further amazement, when I retrieved the sword from the ground, the grass was not scorched at all, neither did the sword show the blackened signs of fire. Truly, Torm blesses me, finding me worthy of His trust with greater abilities.
The knight warrior though…I simply know not what to think of him. We talked for a very long time there in the plains and I have found him steadfast and unyielding to his code. He has had many opportunities to act on the feelings he claims to have for me, yet he has not done so. I admire this greatly. Knowing that I can trust him lends to easing some of the discomfort I feel in his presence given the knowledge of his feelings for me.
He slipped during our conversation and made a confession that he did not mean to make, or at least his expression, stance and demeanor all stated that he had not intended on divulging it. He has confessed to loving me. Aft he stated such, he made reason to leave, almost certainly due to his own discomfort in speaking something he meant not to speak. I asked him blatantly if what he had spoken was truth or merely a feeling induced by the moment. He did not answer until he turned to go at which time he turned back to face me and stated only one word, “Truth.”
Tyr, find him worthy of Your blessings that he seeks. Torm, grant him the sense of loyalty that will keep his heart true to his code.
-
I begin to wonder if perhaps I wear a sign, unbeknownst to me, upon my being, that announces I am available. Or perhaps tis me? Perhaps I am too friendly and tis taken in the wrong manner? I do not know but whatever the cause, I seem to regularly draw men to me who would pursue me further than friendship without so much as a single question of whether I am available or not.
I have met one who wishes to pursue magic, to study it in all forms. He wears symbols of Mystra, Azuth, Savras and Velsharoon, the latter I find quite displeasing. He is young and quite charming with his words, yet quite unwise in his decisions at times. He seems well capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation when he is not attempting to swoon me with his charming words. He speaks too oft of my beauty and went as far as to state that I have stolen his heart. How can only steal something they have ne’er even seen? I countered in jest and let it drop from there. It would seem based on our conversation in Peltarch that he has been recently hurt by a woman, leaving me to wonder if he is merely attempting to cover that hurt by finding another quickly.
I met him on the road south of Peltarch. I stood reading the sign posted of the lizardfolk there when he approached. He wished to go south though having been that road many times, I was extremely leery and engaged him in conversation to learn of his abilities in battle afore taking on this journey with him. After much time and conversation as well as near consistent compliments, I told him I needed to gather supplies and we went back to Peltarch to do so. Aft gathering the supplies needed, we took to the south exit from the city and began our journey. I have ne’er traversed the Pass without the accompaniment of one much more skilled than I so nervous would have described me well.
Armed and ready for battle, we spotted the first of the hobgoblins. We saw three to begin with, though experience told me there would be others on the other side of the stream. Indeed there were. A total of four were counted. We snuck along the mountain wall in hopes to gain the attention of only the three ahead. When I shot a bullet at one of them to bring them away from the others, much to my surprise, a horde of at least 6 came running at us. The young man was blinded and deafened by their magics. I took their blows long enough for the spell to wear off of him and yelled to him, “RUN!” He did, as did I.
Reaching a place out of their range, we stopped to rest and I closed the wounds on my arm. Apparently I need to practice with this new shield. I knew we could not get through all of them yet he persisted and stated that he had the ability to move very quietly and would go back and count them for me. I countered, stating it was not a good idea as he began to step lightly through the snow. Thank Torm, he tripped over a rock and landed flat on his face. I do not believe he would have listened to me otherwise and I simply do not have the strength nor the skill in battle to confront that many so that I might gather his corpse and take it back to the City.
Back in the safety of Peltarch, we decided we would go examine the tree out the west gate that I am told is a sign from Azuth. We did so and then seated ourselves by the fire, soon to be joined by the woman with bright green hair and eyebrows. I had met her afore, though did not recall her name. Thankfully, neither did she recall mine which lessened my embarrassment. She seems pleasant enough and went with us into the kobold area where we battled the kobolds that the young man had hoped to show us his magics on. Indeed, he is a young mage and we saved his life there. He had fallen and was near death, bleeding profusely. The woman distracted the kobolds being quite a good shot with her bow, allowing me the time to heal his wounds. Once they were slain, we traveled back to the fire and conversed for awhile. At near dawn, I departed to tend to morning prayers.
I wonder if he is serious when he speaks his compliments so charmingly.
-
I believe I was in shock. My hands were shaking, my legs weakened beneath me, everything inside of me trembled. I had no idea. None. Memories ran ramped through my mind, quickly, so quickly I could not catch all of them. My mother, such a gentle spirit, always offering an encouraging or reassuring word. My father, such the opposite of my mother, opinionated, unyielding, far too self assured and extremely judgmental. What would he think now? The one childhood friend I had, laughing as she ran through the trees calling to me in elven, “Hurry! Come on!” Even the forest surrounding me now seemed to fall into complete silence as he fluidly lowered to one knee, his words ringing through my mind over and over again.
“In the witness of nature, the Gods and Goddesses I ask you, will you marry me?”
Stunned, the tears welled in my eyes. I found myself on the forest floor kneeling in front of him speechless. I wanted nothing more at that moment than to be able to say yes to him, but I could not. Many things are left unfinished in my past, many things that prohibit my marriage at this time. We talked of these things and without question, he told me that he would wait forever for me. He is willing to wait as long as it takes. This also surprised me. Perhaps I do not feel worthy for some reason? I do not know, I know only that when he stated such, at last I realized the depth of his love for me.
He held in his hand a highly polished silver ring. Its luster alone would have cast shimmers yet it also holds a magical ability to give a blue light in the darkness. It was absolutely beautiful, so simple and yet so elegant. He put the ring on a leather cord and tied it securely before slipping it around my neck. He stated that he wished me to keep it as a reminder of his promise that when I am able to marry, he will be there. I never take it off and I love the way it enlightens Torm’s symbol.
We talked of children in the future. Neither of us wish children soon. These lands are harsh at present and even the most civilized parts of them are still plagued with various things. We spoke of our children being one quarter elven and he seemed surprised and yet relieved that I would welcome this. Why would I not? Their future father is half elven.
We spoke of the differences in our life spans, of how I am will old and he will not. He laughed it off stating by the time I am old, he will be so beaten up from battle and death that we will appear equal in age. Still, this concerns me.
I am truly blessed to find one who loves me so deeply that he accepts the restrictions of my past and is willing to wait for me. Mielikki, guard him well for truly, he is a treasure. Torm, give me the wisdom to somehow show him how much this means to me.
-
The following page is spotted with small drops of liquid, leaving it to appear as though the rain or something similar fell on it
Much has happened since I have written here. Some I recall, perhaps some I do not. I have seen the interior of the dwarven hold and traveled to new places in the land. I have been given a new belt and have purchased a new sword and shield as well as having my new armor dyed.
I have battled some form of magical substance along with many others in hopes of stopping it from spreading into the farmlands near Norwick. I have toured some of the lands about Norwick and met some of the people who reside there as well as left a letter for the farmer closest to the substance that was seeping up from the ground, detailing what had happened and informing him that should he have any further issues to contact the Legion in Jiyyd.
I have watched and learned about many people, their abilities, their stances, the way they think. Most are simply people who wish to be the acknowledged for their accomplishments. Some are happy to stand in the background and receive no acknowledgement at all while fewer still are willing to risk their lives and never expect anything in return. No different than the other places I have been.
I have spent more time with the lady paladin of Torm. I have watched her with not only my eyes, but my mind and heart as well. Her physical beauty is beyond denial yet the way she judges other without considering all things is not attractive at all. She and I have fought together now and talked for long periods of time. I have been able to show her new ways of looking at things that she seemingly had not thought of afore and willingly recognized whence presented to her.
She is quite fond…quite fond of the knight warrior and at last, they have had the opportunity to meet and spend time getting to know each other. I made reason to leave them alone in the hopes that they might find common ground and wish to spend more time together. Truly, they do make a beautiful couple, though I do not believe he is allowing himself to see past his feelings for me.
He and I have spent much time together. Chance? Fate? Luck? A sign? It seems as though each time I go out, he is there somehow, no matter where I have traveled to. I encounter him in Peltarch regularly, in Jiyyd and even outside of the City I reside in. His views are in line with those of a Tyrran in regards to his faith, though his views on relationships seem to come straight from a fairytale where everything is perfect. From what he has told me, he has always been a dreamer since the age of a young boy…he still is. A wonderful man yet his hopes for love by his definition are not based in reality, another sign that he is still a dreamer. Attractive beyond words, his eyes shine a deep green and his smile is so innocent and boyishly brilliant, his physical form well proportioned and muscular. A wonderful sense of humor and quite the jester, a pleasure to be around most of the time, though I simply cannot condone his expectations of a love relationship. No one should ever be expected to be without fault. No one. To expect such of another is to set them up to fail. To err is simply human and his views do not allow one to be human at all, neither do they allow for the natural occurrence of attraction between a man and a woman.
Still, I admire his perseverance and absolute unwillingness to give up even when all around him states the cause is already completely lost.
a small piece of thin paper is folded around a blade of grass and placed in the journal on this page
-
Sometimes I wish I could simply see Him and talk to Him directly. I have so many questions and none of which are trivial. The answers elude me, leaving me to believe they can only be found in Him, only come from Him, so I wait.
One of the Sirs in the Temple stopped me and told me to be careful out there. I smiled to him and said, in reference to the near constant rain in Peltarch, “I shall be, though I believe the only danger I am in currently is drowning.” Twas in jest, though his expression remained solemn and he replied, “No, you are in much greater danger.” Of course, I asked him to elaborate and he did, but he did not explain, rather asked me a question. “What is the one risk that we all take, the one thing that makes more people fall from their faith than any other?” I pondered his words for a few moments before I responded, “Love.” I was fairly certain it was the answer he sought and his nod and following words were verification, “Yes, or the perception of it.” He continued on to tell me how he had seen good people fall from faith because of love. He had seen people move to Oscura chasing love and upon their return, they were never the same. He continued on to tell me that the world out there would love nothing more than to bring me down, which I already knew, but his comments of love left me baffled. Am I to believe that he is advising me not to fall in love? That he is insinuating that love is evil? Or perhaps that something in his own past led him to speak of such?
During the conversation I asked of him why he felt it important to advise me in particular of this. His response left me even more baffled, “Oh,” he stated, “I know little enough about you other than you are here regularly and seem pious enough.” He continued on to state that piety is not always enough and to add that Lady Daisy would not be happy with him is she heard him state such. Now not only do I wonder the meaning of his warning, but also the reason it was delivered to me personally. Does he know more of me than he reveals? Was he told by whichever of the Triad he serves to speak with me? Do I simply remind him of someone in his past, perhaps someone he was involved with?
For now, I keep his words in my heart and carry them with me, sharing them with others of like faith. If his warning was meant only for me, it has certainly caused me to be more cautious. If it was meant that I pass it on to others who serve the Triad, I have done so.
Will there ever come a day when I can see You and know Your answers without doubt?
-
The one I love and I have at last found time to talk of the many things happening with us and around us. I have given him the samples I gathered from the diseased animals and he has ensured me he will do all he can to get them into the right hands and help find a cure for the suffering animals. We talked of the man in consistent ill health and he has agreed to aid me in teaching him. Many things were discussed and much to my surprise, there was not a single disagreement in our thinking on these matters.
The supposed black hearted caster and I have talked at length a few times now. He offered to take me and the knight-warrior on a tour of Oscura and we accepted, walking along with him as he showed us the various areas of the city. People call it dark. Yes, it is dark, it is an underground city, but when they say that, they refer more to the element in the city than the city itself. There is much there that is very disheartening. I saw people openly being burned to death for supposedly breaking their vow to the city. The stench was awful in more than one way. I saw slaves there and have learned they are freely bought and sold in the city. I saw women who, willingly or otherwise, attempted to sell their bodies to us. I saw people of all races there, some obviously poor, some without limbs, some suffering from sickness. Some were very accepting of our presence while others made certain to tell us to just leave. The caster showed me the headquarters of the Sails there in Oscura. He also showed us an odd structure, one that seemed to cry out, scream out, yet in silence, as if pleading to my very soul rather than my ears. A painter standing nearby had drawn a painting of the structure, depicting many trapped souls, tortured souls, men, women and children’s souls. While near the structure, I felt ill though not as I have e’er felt afore. It was not a physical illness, more mental or perhaps….an illness of the soul? Tis difficult to put into writing. I felt them scream out, begging, pleading. I felt light headed physically and as if something in the very core of my being was sickened. The caster stated little is known about the structure. I shall be speaking with the paladin of Tyr on this matter, the one who resides in Oscura.
I have heard bits and pieces of people in the lands carrying a mark placed there by undead. From what I have gathered thus far, the mark was placed only on those who fell. I spoke with the knight who follows Milil and he received such a mark, alluding to the fact that he found it frightening. The Magistrate has banned him from Peltarch until the Temple there can verify that it was cleansed properly. While I understand this in respect to the safety of the city residents, it seems little concern was given to those who carry the mark. He was given a tent to sleep in. If there are several who received this mark, could the city not set up a temporary camp for them outside the city walls?
I met a man, one who was once a slave and I believe, now a sailor. I have seen him afore though had not found the opportunity to speak with him. He is searching. His questions show this. He asked me why I fight. I told him that when I battle, tis for one of Torm’s mandates. He does not understand this kind of devotion and believes that I am refusing to make my own choices. I do hope for the opportunity to speak with him again in the future if only to disclose to him what I have experienced in the past that he might know I do understand slavery to some degree. He asked me if my choice to live for Torm was worth it. I answered him truthfully. Although not easy, it is very much worth it.
The lovely bard women, the girlfriend of the supposed evil caster, invited me on a venture with a group she had gathered. We were going to some place, some cave, where a hag resided though I am uncertain as to why we were doing such. Kobolds everywhere.
One man attempted to scout ahead and was caught. We found his body in the cave and the one I love carried it with us back to the Temple. It was odd how his ghost remained in the cave with us, acting as a bard and telling the story of our venture step by step, even if much of it was guess work on his part as he attempted to speak of the thoughts of those present. The kobolds were frightened…terribly frightened. There were signs of clawing and blood mingled with their nail markings on the walls where they had attempted to get through barriers to flee. After battling with an onslaught of kobolds who attacked us on sight, we attempted to speak with the next group, offering our aid to battle against whatever was frightening them so badly. After some deliberation between them and a man in party, though I do not know what was stated as they spoke in a language unknown to me, it was evident that they did not wish our aid as they attacked.The lovely bard women was badly wounded, her stance grew weak in battle and her legs shook yet she stood there fighting them with what was left of her life. The one I love, ever at the forefront as though he has a wish to die, was in the same condition. He was slit open in the front yet stood there weakened, fighting. I could not see the entire group from where I stood in the back though I could see enough to realize that my efforts would be best utilized to keep them standing…this I did. I used the magics given me only for healing purposes, seeing to those with the worst wounds first. When necessary, I helped in battle as well. I was able to keep them standing though towards the end, both the bard women and the one I love had exhausted their magics and I had only a few more casts left. The final battle was awful, bloody and nearly resulted in the death of the one I love.
In a flurry of capes, weapons, shields and magics, we fought against the largest ogre I have e’er seen. I stood at the front with the women bard, battling it as best I could so that others could attack from a distance. I can see how the knight-warrior’s help has indeed aided me in battle as my strike landed true more than it missed. The one I love stood near his death, apparently having been run through completely by something, yet he stood and fought. I managed to heal most of his wounds that he might keep fighting, though I shall ne’er understand how one so gravely wounded can run and fight and bend to search for treasures as though no wounds are present at all. Perhaps it is a druidic mindset, I do not know. After the huge beast was felled, we looked about the opening in the cave. One of the group found the hag beneath her hut, dead. I tended to the wounds of the group as best I could with the magics I had left, another woman lending aid as she could. Others searched about, even daring to look into the large cookpot that smelled so badly. Apparently the mission was a success though I still am uncertain as to what the purpose of it was. The one I love carried the fallen man as those able carried his possessions and we all made out way back to the Temple in Peltarch to have his spirit called back. I was past due for prayers and had to leave, though I made the assumption that he was indeed raised. Later in speaking with the supposed evil caster, I was informed that he chose not to return to his body, refusing the offered resurrection. I meant to speak with the one I love on this matter, I must remember to do so.
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I have gathered more information on the man who seems in consistent ill health. We sat and spoke for some time and I have learned that he is a mix of human and pixie…although I simply cannot imagine the two mating. He states that he was told twas done magically and sense pixies are magical creatures, I suppose this could be. He appears, for all intents and purposes human, aside from the slight point to his ears that I noted when he asked me to braid his hair.
In past conversations with him, I have learned that he knows nothing about the natural attraction between men and women. As noted afore here, I found this difficult to believe given his time interacting with society. Still, I took him at his word and have been working with him in order to educate him on this. I have been quite uncomfortable at times given some things I have needed to explain…and explain again until he seemed to understand. I had hoped in teaching him that it might save him some turmoil and judgment by others should they learn of his lack of knowledge. Given this, I continued to work with him explaining in detail when needed regardless of my own personal comfort in the matter.
While sitting and speaking with him today in the commons of Peltarch, a group of others gathered around us and we were all speaking together. It was revealed by one who had joined us during this conversation that the man is married. Married!!!! I must admit that this divulgence of information left me utterly shocked. I thought perhaps it was a mistake so I asked him directly, afore all of the others, if indeed he is married. He stated that he is. Several things ran through my mind, though not a single one settled there. I stood and excused myself from the group and went straight to the Temple to think on what I had heard and how he had allowed me to believe that he knew nothing when in fact, he held knowledge he withheld from me.
On my way to the Temple, one of the women in the group stopped me. She is a warrior of Tempus, strong on honor and asked if the man had dishonored me. She has a keen eye to have noted my reaction to learning of his marriage. I talked with her a bit and explained that he and I are merely friends and that I had been trying to help him understand the subject of men and women, only to learn he is married. After ensuring I was alright, she went her way leaving me with the advice that a punch in the nose is a good response to those who act with no honor. At that time, it would have felt good to punch him in the nose, though I have not the luxury of reacting without thought.
In the Temple, he showed up. An odd and mixed up conversation ensued wherein he attempted to tell me that even though he is married, and even though he has indeed had an intimate relationship with his wife, he did not understand these things. His continued claim to ignorance left me feeling used. He DOES know things. He DOES hold knowledge and he never bothered to share it with me during the times I attempted to help him understand.
I have told him that I will speak to another man about this and ask that he would give this man some help in understanding and some advise if needed. He was not happy with this at all. He stated he has talked to other men afore and that he believed ME to be the one who would share things with him openly and without the “manners” involved. I can only assume that by this he means the proper way of doing things. I stated to him that I am spoken for and that tis not particularly proper for me to be speaking of such things to him aft learning he HAS experienced them. Again he did not like this. He seems to think only of his own wishes and needs with no regard to the predicament his actions have put me in.
I will speak to the one I love and if he is in agreement, perhaps the two of us together can educate this man…IF he truly needs it. I am left feeling as though he used me merely to hear it explained for reasons unknown to me. Given this possibility, I will ensure it will not happen again. If the one I love is not in agreement or does not wish to participate, I shall seek out another and perhaps ask if there is a Temple to Sune or any followers of Sune in the lands.
Torm guide my wisdom in this matter that I might see the truth. It makes no sense at all why he would hide the knowledge he has from his own experiences.
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I believe I have found her, though surely time will tell for certain.
She is lovely, if not a bit worn and tired from the battles she wages. Her spirit is strong…stronger than any I have seen here thus far. She sees and understands things beyond the surface, beyond what is seen by others, beyond what meets the eye. She looks beyond the small darknesses that dwell in these lands with the knowledge that an apple does not fall far from the tree. She sees beyond the apple in search of the tree that she might find the very source, the true evil that must be fought against and slain. She is wise…very wise and understands that many times what appears to be evil is merely the influence effected by the larger source, an influence that filters in due to hurt and hopelessness, fear and rejection.
What an honor it was to speak with her for hours, to know that one with such wisdom found me worthy to spend this amount of time with. She spoke of many things…and people, people she has fought along side of, members and knights of the Divine Shield, her thoughts on their influences and who is, as well as who is not a good representation of what the Order stands for. It was uncanny how parallel her thoughts run to mine as I listened to her speak of the various members to include the Magistrate. She speaks most highly of one lady in the Order and holds her up as an example of sorts. I will make every effort to get to know this lady if tis possible.
Her knowledge was most impressive, though what impressed me the most is her heart. In her heart, she understands that even those who have different ways of expressing their service are still, none the less, in service to their Gods. She does not agree with many of them, yet she is accepting of the fact that they are indeed serving their Gods and that there is a reason their God has chosen them. I have stated this very thing in the past, not in defense of their actions and mannerisms but rather in understanding that each one is still in service to their God. She accepts them in service rather than condoning their actions. She even went so far as to advise me on how to change their actions to reflect better on their respective Gods.
We spoke at length of the actions I have seen displayed by various members of the Shield. She has gone so far as to apologize that those people were the ones I encountered first and further stated that one of them was knighted in the Order due only to his years and years of loyalty. She did not seem pleased in the least about this. I spoke openly to her of the things I hear from others and how the actions of these Shield members cast a shadow on their faith rather than drawing people to it. She even went so far as to advise me on how to change their actions to reflect better on their respective Gods. I spoke to her of the Priest of Gond and how he was sorely upset that only one member of the Shield offered their aid in his battle against Umberlee’s minions. She recalled him asking and told me that she had offered the aid of the Shield if he would let her know when. She states also that he ne’er did let her know when and she did not believe the venture had been made. He stated clearly that it had already been made. Another miscommunication? It would seem so.
I spoke to her of my failures in attempting to find a mentor or hierarchy to learn from. I spoke to her of my encounter with the Magistrate and she has advised me that each student the Magistrate has taken on….has died. She did not speak so in judgment of him, far from it. She merely wished me to know the facts. She told me she knows of another, a Priest of Torm whom I have yet to meet. She believes he would be a wonderful mentor for me and she stated she will send him a letter on my behalf. I sit in awe of the way Torm is bringing things together for me here. He is making His path known to me, clearly, and I will follow obediently each step He reveals.
Torm, hear my thanks to You now. You are a servant to Tyr and I am Your servant. How parallel that You have brought a paladin of Tyr into my life that I might learn from, one to speak to, one to stand beside in service and in friendship.
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I have had some time to speak with the woman who follows Kelemvor, the one I met upon my arrival to these lands. I have learned in this conversation that the lady who holds a high ranking place in the Order of the Divine Shield is also a follower of Kelemvor. Apparently there is also an Order devoted to Him, the Knights of the Watchful Repose I believe. This woman does not seem one to stand around in conversation. She seems more apt to be looking for something to battle. Both the knight-warrior and I declined her offer to take us into the swamps to battle the wisps there. I have already done so and the knight-warrior had other business to tend to.
Afore her arrival, the knight-warrior and I were speaking of his code. He confuses me at times and this time was one of them. When he first began speaking of it, he stated that he cannot think certain thoughts because those thoughts will break his code. This made no sense to me at all so I questioned him on it. He then stated that thinking leads to speaking and speaking his thoughts would break his code. So, am I to understand that he cannot have thoughts or speak them because doing so will break his code? Again I questioned him and he stated that thinking certain things would lead to speaking them and speaking them would lead to acting on them. By this time, I was thoroughly confused. Is it not one’s ACTIONS that break a code? And are we not all responsible for controlling our ACTIONS, yet how many of us have control over our thoughts or even what we speak? And do we not all at some point speak things we would never ACT upon? Baffled and quite ready to abandon the conversation, I stood there simply staring at him blankly. Tis when he leaned in and whispered to me, “M’lady, you are beautiful.” Ah, so THIS is what he speaks of! At last the entire conversation made sense, even though I do not agree with all of it. I suppose that he fears if he speaks his thoughts in this regard, it will lead to a wish to act upon them which would indeed break his code given that I am spoken for. Though, should such a compliment be withheld on this basis? I do not know.
I asked him to help me with the backswing of my weapon. I have seen his finesse in battle and his claim to knighthood should also come with a good knowledge of all types of weapons in battle. He agreed and I showed him what it was I was struggling with. I felt rather foolish when he immediately saw what I was doing wrong. He moved in behind me and guided my swing, showing me the proper height and wrist movement, as well as how to make this swing one fluid motion. I tried it a few times and although it was better, I still seemed to wrap the chain about my hand upon finishing the swing. He watched and stated that I am moving my fingers aft beginning the swing and he showed me where to place them and in what manner to move my fingers to get the proper effect. I have spent much time in the training room in the Temple of Helm here in Jiyyd and I grow discouraged attempting to learn this. He makes it seem so easy! I tried one last time, doing as he directed with my hand position and finger movement though it gained me a large sliver from the handle. I pulled the sliver from my hand with a sigh. The poor man was apologizing profusely. He stated that he should have checked the weapon more thoroughly. I told him that I had known of the rough spot in the handle and had simply not had the time to fix it. He pulled a small stone from his pack and ran it swiftly over the handle several times, leaving it smooth again. I asked him what it was he used to do this and he stated, “Tis a stone m’lady.” “No kidding?” I thought in silence. I shall have to learn of the type of stone another time as the hour had grown quite late and we both needed to retire. We agreed to continue the lesson at a time when we are well rested and fresh.
I have seen little of the one I love since his return. I am not certain what occupies so much of his time. I can only surmise that being a recruit for the Legion is demanding.
I miss our talks. I miss speaking to him of the things I learn and encounter and hearing him tell of his own experiences. I miss him.