Thoughts on paper, Vaughn's notebook.
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_Entry 1, date, doesn't matter.
Isolating myself has given me too much time for introspection, perhaps. There is no one with which I can share my thoughts… So I pour them out here, in hopes it is enough to ease my burden briefly.
Living a life of sobriety made me remember why I started drinking, gambling, and other various abuses in the first place. It was never because I was tired of feeling nothing, in fact I was tired of feeling too much. It's true that I felt only emptiness in the place of happiness and love, before I ever took a sip of my first drink. But everything else was immeasurable. Like how it is said by a few that our senses can compensate for the loss of another. The blind man that learns to hear all around him. I hear it too, far too loudly.
Making such poor choices allowed me to feel things like happiness, satisfaction, pleasure... Enough to balance out the other factors in my mind, for a time. I think that's what drew me to it in the first place, I excused myself for it again and again. But that's all in the past now, which means I just have to deal with all the problems I ran away from in the first place.
The 'balance' I tried to achieve has come back to bite me. The odds are stacked against me now, even worse than they were before. Anger, hate, sadness, it's unreasonable._