3. The Journal of Jerrick Rayfe

The Journal of Jerrick Rayfe


  • _I took another walk.

    Now, when I say walk, I need to remind myself what that means. I've found that I've got Wanderlust in a bad way sometimes… and that when I start walking, it's like I'm not even choosing my own path. I just plain... go.

    I went again, and walked most of the way to N'jast again, walking a path full of memories, choices, regret, and loss. I was on such a walk when I came across N'jast before... only to find that they were preparing for war. Wondering what our neighbors were preparing to go against, I entered the city as Druids do, and saw there was to see.

    It was there that I found that their general was Kara... and that my life had taken another abrupt change. One that caught me quite unawares and off-guard.

    So I walked that path again, to see what memories might show themselves again, so that I could deal with them here, instead of having them show up while I'm otherwise busy with the rest of my life, and get them out of my mind while I'm away from home and free to think.

    They didn't come.

    Of course, I thought about it some, but the thoughts passed as I watched a hawk wing high above in the sky, and I felt like I was in the hawk's place when I saw it plummet from the clouds towards it's prey. The rush of the wind, the screaming sound it makes as I rush past it, the pull of the earth as I angle up just enough not to hit the ground... and the Hawk does angle up, it's next meal in it's claws. My eyes follow it as it climbs, and fall upon a clearing I hadn't noticed before, just through some trees.

    It called to me. Not enough to draw me in... more like letting me know it was there. Druidic intuition.. or memory speaking to me? Thinking back, I know it to be both.

    I walked towards the clearing, noting the brilliantly colored butterflies fluttering about, and the strange plants that wove themselves between two trees, almost making an arch of sorts. The sunlight itself seemed to sing here, the wind whispered pleasantries and how-do-you-do's, the grass pushed me towards it, the pressure of one blade at a time. Yes, I know what this was.

    This, was a Trod.

    I've been to Avalon many times. I've been a part of a very big thing that happened in Avalon, and changed it in an equally big way. Being friends with the royal courts of the Sidhe isn't something to take lightly, but I welcome it with open arms. I trust them as much as any mortal could trust the fey, if not more than most. I have my reasons, and little qualms with any of them, and what better place for a relaxing walk, than the haunting roads of Avalon?

    I'll write the details of the walk later, and get to the important part... I'm back. And it's been a long, long time in the mortal realm since I left. Time moves differently here, and not always in the same direction, relative to our land's time. I could have ended up in the past, honestly, so I'm lucky this was all that happened. Years. About three? I'm not sure of what year it was when I left, but I know a long time has passed, despite knowing I only spent about three weeks in Avalon.

    Guess it's time to make a few apologies, and see what I've missed.
    I hope Kaetlyn will forgive me._


  • _Dammit.

    I have this habit of speaking my mind, and I hate beating around that proverbial bush, so I don't. Are people really so weak-willed and afraid of criticism that they'll leave the ranks of an organization that they're trying to join… a military organization, because somebody told them the truth?

    Recent trips east have proved interesting. One failed trip went badly with the arrival of somebody new, some halforc or another, who rushed ahead to kill the little demons, Quasits, making all kinds of noise and being ridiculous and laughing at his kills. Way to get the attention of demons, big ones, jackass.

    I immediately turned around and left, after my order not to fire until all were ready was ignored, and a mage was targeted intead of one of us, or the beast being taken down before it had a chance to respond. She fell unconcious to the ground, and if not for healing, she would have likely died. My fault for bringing people I don't fully know to such a dangerous place? Or their fault for lying to me about being able to follow orders?

    Sometimes I just don't know.

    We went back later, a few of us, after I told a little history of what I knew about the region, and the happenings that led to the way it is now. They seemed interested, Danika and Chasen especially. Chasen later mentioned something new, prompting us to take another trip.
    Apparently, the Gods or a God in general is fond of leaving a white rose in places that are seldom gone to, places where only the brave venture, and we went in search of one.

    Past Jiyyd, past the forest behind it, and into Ormpur, where the restless dead of soldiers past roam, haunt, and hunger for the death of the living. There we found a place I had never noticed before, and a struggling rose-bush, that looked to be having a very hard time surviving where it was. I aided in the removal of a single white rose from it, the stem cut properly so it could easily grow again, and I trimmed the rest of the bush in a similar fashion, to promote better growth all around.

    I felt the need to see this rosebush survive, stronger, a symbol of hope for any that come this way in the future, and blessed it with Mielikki's mercy, and added some magic from the glen into the soil itself, as well. I will be back to check on it soon, and I hope to see improvement.

    It's things like that, existing where nobody can see them unless they search, existing despite the harshness of the world and all in it, that gives me hope sometimes.

    Kaetlyn reminds me of that rose. She's a safe place I can go to, surviving in a world that seems to harsh for an existence that seems so out of place for someone so kind and caring. I hope I help her like I helped the rose, to grow and be healthy and happy in her life. I don't want what happened before, to happen again. Any of the things..._


  • _I've been back a few days now, once again. Settled back into my routine of falling asleep next to Kaetlyn, waking up and running with Fayt, clearing the goblins from the woods, and visiting old friends, and making new ones while I'm at it.

    A little cave-clearing after meeting up with Telli, Theaon, and some others was a bit of fun to an otherwise quiet day about a week ago, but last night was a bit of a worry. Sorry, IS a bit of a worry.

    Apparently, a Drow walked into a ceremony in Norwick where Kresha was taking over command of the guard handed down by Mord and gave warning to the assembled Norwickians and other folk.

    The Drow said he owed a favor to the topworlders, due to one that has saved his life many years ago. The Archdruidess, Aspen. This was all before my time, and yet again, I find myself wishing that I was born earlier, so that I might have met some of these people I keep hearing about.

    Wishing aside, I heard about this the day after, and I happened across Benji, and Caelian outside the south gate on the way to my house. They were talking about inventions, with a dead goblin assassin at their feet, as if nothing had happened. Granted, a dead goblin is nothing to get worked up about, as nearly NO lone goblin is… but that's the rub. Since when did gobs work alone?

    I chastised the two and checked for tracks, and sure enough, the tracks up goblins led to the gate and back, as if they'd been checking on it. I saw a scout trying to get a good look at us, and gave him and his two pals a close up of a couple of arrows.

    We moved in after I put a couple of blessings of Mielikki on them, and found Elites, Assasins, more scouts, some Soldier-Types, and a couple spellcasters over there, waiting in Ambush.

    I was first to the group, and leaped in with a howl, followed by a couple hundred pounds of fur, teeth, and mean. Fayt was snarling as he tossed a couple goblin bodies straight up into the air... there was no mistaking it now. This was an ambush, the signs were all over the area they were in, and they had clearly not expected to be attacked here, but rather to be the attackers.

    So much for plans. We laid them to waste, and they had no reinforcements, giving us time to head back inside the gate to the fire, and relax before sunset. That's when I heard about the Drow from Caelian. It was a good thing I asked about the bad news first, too, because just after he told me, I could have SWORN I got a glimpse of something through the slats of the gate.

    I got up to check, and sure enough upon opening them, I saw a Drow melt into the darkness.

    The rest of this was nearly a blur til the end. We hit traps, he tried choking powder which thankfully doesn't bother me, we used it too, and I even got to pincushion him a bit with arrows. I just wish I had gotten close enough to actually HIT him.

    Benji nearly got him for us with a perfect leg shot, but he used what could only have been a potion of haste.. and escaped. Damnitall we were very close to getting him, but now they know we're waiting for them, and that their element of surprise is gone.

    At least us three survived to tell about it. I've already posted letters to the various groups I know, and have told the others to do the same. Hopefully folk with have the good sense to stay near each other at night and out of the woods for now, perhaps even post signs to warn the less attentive at hearing.

    At any rate, it seems another war is brewing, right under our noses. Now we've got The Hungry One, Ostromog, and then Drow to deal with. Personally... I hope they all kill each other.

    Time to go find Kaetlyn, I need her to keep being that small island of sanity in this mess of events I call life. Gods do I love that woman..._


  • _Things that move quickly have always fascinated me.
    Squirrels, even when climbing completely vertically, are ridiculously fast.
    The diving of a hawk. The rushing of a swollen stream. An arrow in flight.
    Thoughts.

    I'll be damned if I can't keep pace with my own thoughts these days. Well, I shouldn't say thoughts really, so much as feelings. Soaring like that hawk, bouncing around like a squirrel gone mad, and plunging into a mad-seeming rage when I or a loved one is in danger seems to come from within me faster that Bolts from Benji's crossbow. . . and HE, is fast.

    Hells, I've even been shot by th… okay, this isn't what I intended to write about. Why do I write? Oh yeah. I want to remember.
    Does that mean I write because I expect to forget? I seldom do, if ever, and some of the things I write about.. like her, can't be forgotten.

    Then again, I've experienced a memory being torn from me (At my own request as payment though) and the pain of not being able to recall it, so perhaps it's best that I record as I do.

    At any rate, on to business at hand.

    Spiders, driders, and hooked horrors abound.
    Talk of illithids and deep gnomes peppers the conversation in the commons, be it Norwick or Peltarch, and none of it too pleased except by those that think havoc in the towns fun or entertaining.

    It's funny, speaking of entertaining. I sat in thought for a while after lst meeting up unexpectedly with her, Kaetlyn. I was attacked by those underdark critters while alone. I was at the crossroads, for crying out loud, and that annoying displaced-air-portal-summoning sound rushed at me, so I drew blade and turned, swinging my shield out from under my cloak as well.

    Sure enough, spiders.

    Thank Mielikki for the gift to move freely in their webs, as it helps not to get surrounded too easily, but damnitall if some of the web doesn't manage to hit my skin and paralyze me anyhow when it clings sometimes.

    I was doing fine when she showed up, except that I can't stand to put her through fighting spiders. or Driders. Or those gods-be-damned screaming menaces, "Whatever horrors" or somesuch. GODS those are wretched beings.

    The hooked horror that showed up was almost a relief to me, despite the threat it posed to my health, knowing that her attention would be away from spiders. Her comfort isn't worth MORE than my life... but I'm not at all adverse to making her more comfortable at considerable threat to myself. Besides... if the treat becomes too big, I ask her politely to run (Scream it, heh) and turn tail myself, covering her escape.

    Speaking of escape, I sleep easier at night, now.

    I know she has a safe place out of the rain, the wind, the cold, and the summoned spiders, and all I need to do now is to peek over to where she sleeps peacefully on a cushion with a book in her lap from my desk, to know it.

    Like the poetic musings of a bard she holds the key to my heart already, so it's a small thing to give her a key to my home in comparison, but she seems to treat it like much more.

    I can get used to this._


  • _Notes to self.
    -Buy more ink.
    -Don't get ahead of yourself.
    -Make sure what you said didn't scare her off.

    I've been thinking for days on what I told her, and I keep getting this sick feeling in my stomach. Worry? Excitement? Gods it's hard to tell.
    I will find out soon, I hope, but you know, you never can tell until you ask. Seeing as how it's been a few days since I've gotten to see her smiling face, that's a few days that even my own cooking hasn't sat right with me, as if my stomach is being churned by my mind, like there's some hidden crank in there that is connected.

    I need to gather the Wolves, and take who I can out and about. Things are hectic as usual, and most of my time has gone to the Legion lately, so I need to disperse it more evenly.

    Calen seems to be doing well for himself, and has been on my mind a lot lately. Senatorship fits him well, though I fear his compassion may let him be taken advantage of, even by people I don't consider bad people, but that they might have things to gain that could jeopardize him. His faith is strong, but how to direct it seems to be a problem for him to figure out, and as much as I have been a mentor for him over the years, there are some things that I can not aid him with, other than a rudimentary knowledge of how things are supposed to work. That's simply not enough to base one's decisions off of.

    Vash't is next on my mind, with Caeliean. Caelian has recently returned, and grown in skill. I had to knock both of them about some to teach them what they're up against in bad situations, and they nearly beat me without my armor on. I like what I'm seeing, and I think it helped them to understand a bit more about, not only tactics, but themselves, and how they relate to others in the world. Strengths, weaknesses, and their place in a fight. All important lessons. That and well… it's kinda fun to beat up on your teacher.

    I haven't seen Sera in a while, and Fayt seems to look about for her while we're in Norwick. Glutton wants treats, naturally, and of course the attention she lavishes on him. Hells, it makes me want to wildshape and sit at her feet to be brushed for hours. She's kind, patient, and has a true healers touch, despite downplaying it like she does.

    I want to have a talk with her about the difference between humility and knowing one's own skill accurately. I daresay she's nearly as good at healing as I am, if not better. It's high time she knew.

    Merenna I haven't seen in a while, so she seems to be no longer chasing after me. I love music, so bards are always good company, but that one came on a little strong, and at the wrong time, heh. My heart was already elsewhere, so I hope I didn't make the poor girl feel rejected.

    Rando, is an interesting one. Not someone whose bad side I want to be on. Granted, I won't be doing anything to piss him off, but based on the display against some halforcs I got to hear about, well, I don't want anybody else turning him against me either. He doesn't seem to need much of a reason, really.

    Rhistin. The marker outside my home marks where I laid you to rest, and I hope you find peace wherever your new journey takes you. Or adventure, if that's your wish. We all have our time, and while I didn't expect yours to be so soon, I'm confident that you felt it was time, and am glad for you. Hunt well, and we'll keep this place together for ya.

    I'm not sure why so many people have been running about my head lately, but I felt that if I finally put down some of my thoughts on them, I could sort them with the closing of this book, and make room for fresh thoughts.

    Guess I'll close this book for now, and get started on that. The sun's almost up, and the fire's almost out. Out of thoughts, fuel, and reasons to sit on my arse I guess. As much as I love this bluff overlooking Jiyyd, the risk of stray fireballs makes me want to put this away now that I think of it. Time to see what a new day holds._


  • _Finally we spoke.
    We spoke of what we wanted, what we thought possible, and what we would do if given the chance.

    She told me something that I had to think about, because it shocked me so, for a moment.

    Even if just for a day, even if that was all the time we could spend together, she would want to spend it with me, was the gist of it. I can't even properly remember the words now, as I've been wary to write them. I almost feel like if I write them I'd be making myself more of a promise than she made, and hers is the one that matters, so I don't want to cheapen that in any way.

    I can hardly find the mind to write, so I'll just make a note, in case anyone finds this in an unfortunate manner, that powerful underdark creatures are being somehow teleported to the surface, right where groups of us are. So far I've fought at least seven driders from multiple attacks, not to mention countless large silk spiders, a couple quaggoths, hooked horrors, and other such underdark nasties.

    It's funny though. The only worry I have is that it's going to happen near Kaetlyn… with spiders.

    We'll deal with the threats as they come, even if I have to fight a Drider hand to hand, but I don't want to put her through seeing anything with more than four legs.

    It's time I got back to work. These other reports won't write themselves..._


  • _For the first time in what seems to be a long time… and actually is a long time now that i think about it... I went to the gypsy camp.

    Granted, I did not go along. No, it doesn't have the feel of the place it once was any longer... and as such, I don't enjoy the time I spend there as much as I once did. I have not since the rom moved on. It's no longer the gygpsy camp in my eyes, but now the Hoaran camp, and the hospitable wariness of the gypsies has long since been replaced by a paranoid feeling of unwelcomeness while I am there.

    I found myself there again, walking through the dense carpet of fallen leaves and soft soil, watching the animals cavort past, just out of reach, and listened to the sounds of the woods. It seems they are slightly quieter now... or maybe it's just the lack of whispering on the wind. I couldn't hear it anymore.

    We walked, she and I. She led, and I followed, and we even made a wrong turn, confronting her fear unexpectedly.

    I did my best to reduce the threats to the correct number of legs, which cutting in half seems to do nicely. Four on each side seemed acceptable, after all.

    We turned back, her barely suppressing a shudder, and we found what she was looking for, then. A small, quiet, slightly sequestered glade against a tall cliff face, complete with it's own small peaceful pond made a perfect place for conversation. Boots off, feet in the water, contemplating what was, what is, and what could be.

    It was so relaxing, even when it rained.

    Perfect for naps.

    She talks a little as she drifts off to sleep, and I'm not sure if she knows she does it. Her sleep-speech is quiet, and monosyllabic, but clear.
    "Like you" .

    It sounded like a piece of an unspoken sentence, so I asked. "Like me to what?" figuring she had asked me to do something.

    She replied with something along the lines of "here", and I found myself unable to keep from grinning like a loon, with all the grass, trees, and stars as witnesses. I imagine someone looking down on the scene chuckling at my silly expression, that of a pup with a treat.

    We curled up together, and shared some time for dreams.

    Waking however, is what I remember most.

    I remember waking up previously, to something pleasant. Someone nearby at a cookfire making breakfast, or waking up after a hard battle to realize why you slept, and be that much more grateful that you're awake.

    This was unlike those times, when I awoke to her brushing hair from my face. It was all at once, calming, exciting, serene, and the feeling of the hair on your neck standing pleasantly on end as if from a cool breeze on a warm day.

    If I were the hopelessly romantic type, I would say something about wishing every wake was like that.

    A couple of scratched out lines here, and then:

    Perhaps I am, after all._


  • _It seems another one of my apprentices has returned.

    Upon his return, we also had a trip scheduled to go to Dun Tharos to get a bow that Selune wanted back from a Sharran, and asked it of Ael. It seems that was his chance at redemption, from the trials he went through lately involving a deal with a devil to save his wife, and enduring six months of torture in the hells.

    I can barely fathom such a thing, and respect my friend even more for coming back from that and not falling into despair, or giving up. Rather than that, he sought favor again, and still did his usual protecting his friends.

    I won't say it was easy. There were simple snakes and rats along teh way that took an entire team of us to subdue and destroy. Perversions of nature and animals so sickly it hurt to look at them assailed us, alongside Talona's blightlords, mages, and abominations of every shape and size.

    A Bullette escaped them, and was thankfully calmed by Belia with the aid of a hold spell from somebody, and led off to safety, on the way there, so that was a nice respite from the blood and the gore and the killing.

    As much as the diseased and disfigured animals needed to be put out of their misery, I hated doing so. I don't mind hunting, but having to fight these things saddens me for what befell them. I just don't like it, and for good reason. . . Then again, perhaps sadden isn't the right word.

    It makes me want to feel blood rush across my chin from my teeth tearing out the throats of those responsible. And not cleanly, either.
    Sometimes I get so furious, feel so much rage in my heart that it worries me, and I need to spend some time in quiet contemplation of life itself, and Mielikki's comforting presence.

    I've been having to do that a lot lately.

    The page here marks a difference in the color of the ink, showing that Jerrick stopped writing for a while, and picked back up later.

    _Now that I'm back on heroes bluff, I can listen to the wind whistle through the statues, and be alone with my thoughts and feelings. Alone except for the smell of rose and lemon, which comforts me anyhow.

    Where was I… oh yes. Dun Tharos. We got there, and found our Sharran, but not a fight. We got the bow, and the Sharran held back some might power from attacking us, but something was not right.

    Aelthas could not in good conscience leave her behind, and for good reason. He reasoned that all get a chance at redemption, and she was no exception. Despite her anger at us returning, supposedly dooming her, she didn't attack us. Instead, she told us that she wouldn't go while that dragon was still around.

    Yes, there was a dragon. A big, mean, green one.

    Now a big green Dead one.

    We went back down to check on her, and found her to be gone, of course. But the seed has been planted, and perhaps her freedom from whatever seemed to be holding there may be the root that grows into her redemption. And maybe not. It's surely not for minds like mine to know.

    Caelian fell on the way back.
    It's ridiculous, to survive a dragon attack, and fall to the tentacled manipulations of a succubus. He however, did not lose heart. He returned with the help of Tristina, and spoke to me for a while about his plans, and his thoughts on it all.

    Frankly, I'm proud of him. Hells, the succubus ensnared me too, but I'm used to taking a hell of a beating.

    She made it through all of these things too. We shared the touch of a hand here, a glance there, and constant checking on one another throughout the fight, and in the back of my mind, it was as much of a comfort as it was a worry for her safety.

    I know she can handle herself in a fight, and heal herself or others, but still, I naturally have concern, and reason for it. Right?

    Sitting in the grapevine with her and Caelian was a pleasant way to end the day, as we stayed up til morning to talk, even after Caelian left. She brushed my hair for what must have been an hour, and we parted reluctantly for her to join Dirk and some others on another adventure someplace.

    I would have gone... but even I need sleep once in a while. Demons, Devils, Talona and her machinations, Dragons and all of Dun Tharos even... can wait.

    A note follows, written bold and underlined - obviously important.

    CLEANSE THE OLD CIRCLESTONE.__


  • _I was quite not expecting company up there on the bluff, yesterday. Napping against Fayt, I nearly felt relief from the daily rigors of bring Captain, Elder, and Wolf.

    Belia, Brunor, and Valad all joined me, and together we reminisced of old Lady Jiyyd, cut down in her prime, and sorely missed by many. Or is it many, any longer?

    I normally go to the bluff to be alone, or in little company. I suppose I used green wood in the fire on purpose, however… even if I didn't quite realize I was doing so. The small tendril of black smoke that curled lazily into the sky was a beacon, a signal to my whereabouts. Or rather, the wearabouts of some mysterious layabout, recognizable only as me when one might perchance happen across my smoke-line, and find suitable time and cause to investigate.

    A bottle of Jiyyd creamy stout for me, with a pouring out for Jiyyd, and one for those who fell defending her.

    One for a guest, should any happen across, which went to Brunor. Who better than a dwarf to share the delicacies of a flavorful ale with? It is his first new memory of Jiyyd, since he arrived quite after her falling. I would think it a passable one.

    I find myself up here more often, as of late.
    The breezes which I found remind me of her, now keep me company in her absence, as if her thoughts are with me. Naturally... I'm sure I'm being fanciful. As wondrous as the breezes that circulate about her comely form are, I doubt their ability to travel away from her with her intent. Or, that her intent and thoughts are directed at me, for that matter.

    The idea is nice though.

    I suppose I'll enjoy the idea a while longer then... until she reveals the truth of the matter. So that I might keep enjoying it so, I simply may never ask.

    Anyone happening across the his journal page that knew Jerrick, would likely see his face with that sardonic smirk of his. Pleased with himself, and well aware of it too._


  • _I'd say it's funny, coming back from the dead in the same spot you died in.
    But it's not.

    It's… disorienting?

    Not that I take it for granted. I just have a hard time describing the way you feel for a day or two afterwards.

    I had just returned from a nasty trip to the gnoll caves, where there was a small earthquake and a cave-in while we were in there.

    I shapeshifted into a bear, and with help, was able to move the boulders out of the way so we could make our way out, but I was so exhausted from all the effort it took, that my only choice was to shapeshift into a hawk, and ride out on someone's shoulder. Gaerielle was the best choice, since she isn't the "Run out into combat" type normally.

    We all make it out safely, make some good coin, and get to go rest at the inn, and then Gaerielle and I go to the market to meet up with the rest. Most had left, but Ael and Lycka.

    Some pale fellow walks up, remarks about a hammer wielding Orc out there that nearly killed him, and will likely kill someone else, and Ael, Lycka, and I go to take it out.

    We searched all around the foothills, and didn't find it.
    What we DID find, were two orc magi. I was caught in their spells, and subjected to magic missiles, bolts of acid, and other fun things. I had one chance to escape, tried, and got caught again, where I felt that last bolt of magic hit me, and I felt my heart stop.

    No more breath. No more beats from my heart, and then I felt cold stone on my cheek, before my vision dimmed. Well... when I say dimmed, I mean it went white. Then i was standing, and Mielikki was before me, tsk tsking, and giving me a little shove.

    I was back on my feet, good as new, and back over to Ael and Lycka.

    Now, I know I'm a lucky person.

    I know I'm a chosen champion of a Goddess.

    I've been accused of both letting this go to my head, AND taking it for granted.

    I like to think neither of these are true, however, and I find that this is just another reason I can be sure that I am indeed doing what Mielikki wishes of me, because granting spells as her favor is one thing, but granting life?

    Well, I think I'll put it to good use as long as she lets me.

    As far as good use is concerned, I'm glad to be put to it, myself.
    More than that, I'm especially glad for the good company I've had while I do so. Every breeze that stirs my hair into brushing across my cheek feels like her fingertips now. Every errant gust of wind behind me feels out of place, and I mistake it for the ones that swirl around her like playful sparrows.

    I'm torn between acknowledging how I feel, or going the safe route, and simply enjoying the companionship of a good friend. I should probably play if safe...

    I don't want it to happen again._


  • _Demons.

    I have my own, and I must subconsciously think that I need more.
    I find myself staring out over the water on the way to Jiyyd, between the flags that flutter in the new breeze over the water, and wondering exactly what is on the other side, and how things might have been.

    Sometimes… it's like the scar isn't there, and for a moment I see the familiar road, with the familiar trees, and I feel a pang of nostalgia for home as it once was... life as it once was. Who I perhaps once was?

    Back then... I was Kara's. It was a part of who I was, just like how people know me is a part of me too.

    So much has changed, both in me, and the land, and all around us. I don't have the same patience for fools that I once did, happy to let them go along their merry way, ignorant of how they not only make themselves look bad, but those around them, those that they represent, or those they keep regular company with.

    My recent trip to Oscura to explain my actions to someone, are a prime example. I think the man Justicar has good intentions for his city, and their best interests in mind, but I do not think he will be able to make all the changes he seeks. No, the rest of Oscura reminds me of a backwater town, with the resident unaware of the existence of the rest of the world, because they're so willfully ignorant. Not because they've never seen someone from elsewhere, but that they try to hold everybody to the labels that they place in their daily lives.

    Outsider.

    Yes, I am an outsider. I have been, and always will be.
    And you will forever remain in your cave, unchanging, and never will your life improve, your people gain new things, and you will remain in your seat of power, groveled to by the same folk day in and day out, known for nothing more than what you already have.

    Those that issue in the eras of change for the better are always remembered. I try to be one of those people who aid in it. I try to be one who promotes in, and lives an example for others.

    Yes, sometimes I fail. Yes, sometimes people only see the wrathful side of me, the fur and the fangs, the lack of mercy for those that have no respect for others or themselves. I find it a small sacrifice.

    For now... looking over the water to the town that once sheltered me, where I learned much about myself, life, love, and even about my Goddess, I realize this.

    There is more than our world, our plane, our daily lives. We are SUCH a part is something SO much bigger, that even our small actions make an impact. I want to (Scribbled out) I will find a way to make things better.

    Some would say they don't have a choice, but when it comes down to it, we all do. Kara was an example of that.

    I will choose, and I will succeed._


  • _We spent a long time at my fire today. We talked of what was, what is, and what we wish had been, and nothing changed.

    We both know exactly what occurred, and that it had to play out like it did, because of how people think, feel, and act. Their nature, if you will.

    There's no way around people acting according to their original instincts, whether it's the ones they were born with, or the ones instilled in them by whatever faith they chose, or was chosen for them.

    Still, I hate it.

    I have not seen "her" in months now. Many. Sierra seems to have left.
    Even after we took care of her father, and he agreed to let us marry, it seems that once again, I am alone.

    Celestria I have not seen in some time, though I still hear of her work in Norwick. I almost fear to write of Kara in here, with the actions my comrades took, but I care not for their judgements. We still talk, thankfully, so I am not truly alone these days, despite Sierra's disappearance.

    One day she is asking that we marry immediately, the next she is absent from my life, and has been since. Celestria, Kara, Sierra.
    Three fiances, three lives planned, three failed attempts at something more than my duty in my life, gone. I have friendships, but those are mercurial at best.

    These people I admire, trust, and work towards the same goals with prove to me that I should not assume I know them as I think I do.
    Leaders resent those who do not belong to their family joining in to aid us. They speak ill of others, who did little other than association to earn their ire.

    If we're judging people by association again, then I am a Devil. I am owned by the infernal powers that be, as I am the one who spoke to Kara when she offered aid, and was of a mind to take what aid was given without cost, rather than risk losing more lives. Perhaps if Kara was there Maya would not have fallen?

    I see it in the Wolves. I see it in the Legion. I see it in Norwick, with Aramuil's hatred of the fey. Someone sees something about a person or group that they disagree with, something they feel violates their "OWN" rights, simply by existing. They forget that there is a person behind those "ideals" they stand against, a soul inside that shell they hack apart, a soul freely given to protect innocents. Good, Bad, Pure, Evil, not only are these interchangeable ideals in different people's eyes, but there's no set standard, no clear line to cut upon.

    I'm so tired of seeing hate, that I almost regret not shapeshifting and curling up in a bed of clover to bat at butterflies with my tail, or chase pixies around til I can't walk anymore.

    My duty prevents it, but I constantly feel inadequate to do what I feel I should be doing.

    When it comes down to it, until the day that I can reach into the hearts of those around me, and forcibly remove the hate from them, I will be surrounded by it. In the Den, in the Tower, and in the City.

    The Glen is the one place I feel it the least, but currently it is the place I am least needed lately, so instead I sit here writing of what I can't stand, so I don't snap at those around me. I speak little in the den because of this. I just snapped at the Legion because of it, and I have spoken out in Norwick.

    How can one person in the middle of SO much be alone in the way he thinks? I'm not, am I?

    Time will tell, or I'm not meant to know._


  • The Trip to Amn and A New Mission

    _Sierra's father was sick, and I went to go see if I could help…

    I didn't really think I would be doing anything like what I just did. Right now, I'm awake for the first time in three days or more, and I woke to her crotchety old man poking me with his cane, saying he's waited long enough to talk to me.

    We took a walk, me being ridiculously sore from not moving much for days, and had a "Father to Suitor" chat. He doesn't like the fact that men come to take his daughter away, but he didn't really know what to think about one bringing his daughter BACK, and he asked me my intentions with her.

    I told him my intention was to ask his permission, as her father, to court her, and eventually marry her. Sure, it seems sudden, and right now I am still looking at the words on the page curiously, as if I'm not sure I wrote them, but I have no desire to change it, to "Fix" it, to remove it from the page.

    It belongs there, and it's what I want.

    I answered his question, including the embarrassing ones, and he ended the talk with a nod, and scowl, and a question.

    "If I asked you to leave, just go without Sierra and leave me with my daughter, would you go? because dammit, I just got her back, and she's mine, I don't want to lose her again. "

    I told him yes, that I would leave, but I would not stop Sierra from following if she wished, and he nodded, and walked off.

    I waited, and waited, and waited some more, before Sierra came back looking rather baffled. Here, I had assumed that she couldn't believe her Dad wouldn't let her marry the man who saved his life, or something like that, but it was rather the opposite. I asked if she'd come to say goodbye, and she gave me the ODDEST look.

    After a few questions, she explained, "No... that's not what he said to me at all. He told ME, and I quote, "If you don't marry that boy, I'm disowning you and keeping him for myself. I love you, but I think I like him better than I like you sometimes."

    Needless to say, we were both in a bit of shock at that, so I asked in front of him, for Sierra to marry me. She said yes, and we are heading back to Narfell soon. We're dropping off Amberlynn at a Selunite temple, and then heading back, bringing Merrick and Xivian with us eventually.

    They'll travel part of the way with us, and then meet up in Narfell later I guess.

    Until then, I suppose I should keep an eye out for Mary, in case she decides to get back at us before we get away.

    I almost hope she tries._


  • Jerrick sits, quill in hand outside the glen on his usual rock, watching the sun rise as he tries to figure out something to write. Kara's journal sits beside him, and he shakes his head reading through the last entries again and finally, finding inspiration, puts quill to page again.

    _When an animal is backed into a corner, almost all will rush forward to claim the life of at least one of it's attackers on the way out, if it can. Some pretend to do so, and resume fleeing instead… which should I choose?

    Hells, that's not even a question. I've never been one to sit, or run if there's even a sliver of a chance of survival. I won't do it, because I can't in good conscience do it.

    I miss Kara, while my new relationship with Sierra is... well, taking off. I didn't think I would be able to care for another, and yet again, someone has to come and slap my reality in in the face. For once, I'm okay with being wrong. I'm no scholar, no philosopher, no spy to know the answers around me. I'm a Druid, a Wolf, and a Legionnaire.

    I suppose it's time to go fulfill my duty, and hope I don't die trying. I think I need to visit Jiyyd, to see how the seals are holding up. I need to check in with the Legion, and see if I can rouse any wolves from their naps. I need to go back inside the glen and make sure things are in order after the seal used power from the stone, and Irmunsul.

    So much to do. Do I have time?

    Guess I'll make the time. May nothing stand in my way._


  • _It's been a while now, since I've heard from her.
    No more messages from her lines, and flying to the house and then sniffing and looking about, show no signs of her being anywhere near it, back when it was still accessible.

    Now, as I sit in turmoil over a decision that not one, but two people want me to make, a terrified lookin hin delivers me this letter.

    Something keeps telling me not to open it.
    Something keeps telling me that I'd rather now know.
    Something keeps being ignored, because of my idiotic curiosity. . . I can't help it._

    The letter is opened, read, and a page of it put in his journal.

    @0abb8d6fa0=Coaan:

    _Dearest Jerrick,

    Somewhere, deep in our hearts we knew this was coming.

    Our two paths have taken us separate ways, roads that no longer cross, if they ever did. I am a monster out of necessity, but it is that necessity that will draw us apart, perhaps forever. You cannot follow where I will have to march. I am not fool enough to believe that you would wait. when it comes down to it, people never choose the harder road, they choose the easier road because there are less pebbles.

    I have enclosed a map with this letter, that should lead you to my journal. It will speak of the truth and lead you to questions that while uncomfortable, need to be asked.

    I do not know if any of us will survive this, so I will simply say this ; I love you. Throughout the entire time that we have known and loved each other, I gave you nothing but the truth. I need you to believe that this is the truth…not because it benefits me in some way. No. Simply because out of everyone, I yearn for you to know the truth.

    Wherever my path will lead me now, know that my heart will always be yours. It is just a shame that I will never know the joy of calling myself Lady Rayfe.

    Yours forever,
    Kara._

    Now… now I get to think about that, and read this map. I suppose I'll use the map partway, and my nose the rest. I'll continue this once I've got the journal, and see what I can make of it.


  • _Now I'm kinda pissed.

    Spoke to an N'jast guard near Peltarch, told her to pass a message on to Kara about the conversation we had before… and she said something about assasination attempt. Apparently they almost got Kara.

    I'm supposed to go "Yay, we almost got the (Insert whatever they're calling her now here) " but that... I don't know, rubs me the wrong way.

    I suppose assasination just isn't my style?

    Judging by the brush-off the guard gave me, I doubt even I will get to talk to her now. Suppose it might be better this way? Hells, I'll lay low for a couple of days, just in case they decide anyone inquiring about her is an assasin.

    I'm getting tired of this shit._


  • _It's been days now.. weeks that you've been here. We've had meetings, fights, and arguments. Discussions of ideology and belief, and truth that was not even wanted, truly . Of course, I only now pay enough attention to find this… I wish I could have read it sooner, but it changes nothing at this point. It could have saved some heartache to find this first, and talk to you before yelling at you.

    I'm sorry. I'm waiting for your return as I write._

    A letter that looked to haev been wrapped in a shirt and buried is in his hands, and then folded into the journal.

    @54e68c3e3f=Coaan:

    @54e68c3e3f:

    My Dearest Jerrick,

    It seems like an age since we have last seen each other and I fear that what I am about to say in this letter will further absence. I am less for not having you by my side and I truely lament not having you close by.

    By the time that you return here, I fear that our paths will be inescapably separated. When you return, you will hear lies, falsehoods and utterances of damnation upon my name for what is to come. Not all of it was a lie.

    My love for you was as true as the day I took on the vows of a paladin, and even now, separated by distance and likely ideology, my love for you is still true. It pains me to realise that love and duty are often separate from one another. I will not deny it any longer.

    No doubt you are now aware of the host from N'jast that marches on Peltarch to end the vile corruption in the senate there. They are good soldiers, and they follow orders like any soldier should. They are not evil men…they march to right a wrong that was commited against them by Peltarch. I march with them now, their Marshall and lord to bring Order to a city that has fallen so far into the grip of corruption as to be unrecoverable without direct action.

    No doubt, The people of Narfell as a whole will condemn me for this, sully my name and proclaim me villian. I see the rightness in their cause though, the just steps taken to bring peace and order to a land that has been drowned in chaos, corruption and evil. The army provided by N'jast will secure a peace that will last that's wfor an age here. Bring everyone under one banner. No longer will towns squabble, their leadership fickle and intent on their own designs rather than looking to the greater horizon. People will work together and they will be better for it. Safety of the land will be guarrenteed.

    It will no longer be safe for me in these lands, not after what's done is done, so whatever you need from the house, or even, the house itself..It is yours. Depending on how things turn out, I may return home at some point, but I do not know right now.

    Regardless of what you might hear, I assure you, my silverfang, that my feelings and love for you were never anything but the complete truth.

    When you get this, seek out my army, all I could ask for is to see you again. If even only once.

    Yours forever,
    Kara.


  • The writing on this page is deep, and cuts into the next.
    Sharp harsh lines emphasize every word, and it seems a fresh quill was used after a particularly deep hole that goes through a couple pages.

    It reads as follows:

    _Truth.

    Search for it. Find it. Live by it.
    Right?

    Never have I wanted an answer so little…

    I searched N'Jast for any information I could find on my way back to Narfell. This sabbatical I took to learn what I could of outside druidic practices, or find knowledge within myself brought me near N'Jast, and close enough to hear of the war.

    I made it into town, only to find out that the female leader of N'Jasts army, the Grand Marshall, declared war on Peltarch because of an apparent assassination. I am no spy by any means, but it's easy enough to buy people drinks and listen, and the few days I was here I learned much.

    One thing bothered me though. When I saw the Marshall, something struck me as familiar. Mintas Rhelgor was mentioned, so I know I knew her from Narfell, but I could not figure out how.

    Thanks Meilikki for my gifts, I used them in many ways while I was here. I managed somehow to sneak into the Marshall's chambers and steal a hairbrush. I figured if I could figure out the scent, I might know the person, or at least where I knew them from.

    Dammit all, but the brush had red hair in it.
    Slightly wavy, soft, red hair, gods be damned.
    Hair I've run my hands through, and brushed out after battles.
    Hells, hair I've washed the blood from after tending to serious injuries...

    Kara Dumonte, why are you the spearhead of this army to take Narfell by force? My fiance, what has happened to sway you to this course of action? If you are possessed, I will surely know when I find you.
    If you are mad, I will surely know when I find you.
    I wish I could go back to Narfell first, and check the house, and find you there so I could justify lying to myself and saying this isn't you, but I know I can't. Not with this battle raging as it is. It's all the town talks about. I hope our(is Crossed out) My? friends are ok...

    You never sent word, never made an effort to find me, by mundane OR magical means, so right now, I don't know what to think. Are you fighting for the greater good? Is N'jast in the right, and going to help in some way that is yet unclear to me?

    I will find you, even if I have to be brought before you as a "Spy". When I do, you'll have no choice but to answer to me, or have me killed. I want answers, and I will get them.

    If you're reading this after (Today's date) and there's blood on it, or it's on my body, then I didn't make it to her, or she chose the latter option.
    I hate to write this, but right now I don't know what truth is, and being the simple man I am, I have to go find out.

    I hope I have not been gone too long, and that this may have gotten past my grasp... I have to be able to help somehow. Meilikki help me...

    -Jerrick 'Silverfang' Rayfe_


  • Several ink marks touch this page, but it appears that many attempts at writing were thwarted by some unseen force of will.

    When finally there are words, they appear slowly and deliberately written.

    It's been too many tendays. Too much travel, and little company.
    I'm thinking of you always.


  • _I've never really had a problem with spiders.

    I'm not sure if it's just the druid thing, or the fact that most are small enough to not be able to cause you any harm, and they eat annoying things like gnats and midges and such.

    Lately though… let's just say my opinion was slightly skewed, and biased to think badly of them by a sentient mammoth spider queen the size of the Legion Hall.

    Yes, THAT Legion Hall...

    Luckily, the damned thing was terrified of me. I am sure it's because the circlestone imbued Oreth, Belia, Nere'yn, and myself in some way to help defeat these things... now only if I knew HOW to do so.

    I'm almost thinking it may have imbued the staff itself, which seems bound to my side, and always appears back near me if I drop it. Perhaps if I just run up and WHACK it with it?

    Perhaps a ritual will do the trick, rather like a smaller individual remote casting, as if I were communicating with the stone itself, close enough to touch it... I'm fairly certain it can be done, so perhaps it's worth a shot.

    Other things though... other things.

    Meilikki has seen fit to bless me again, in mind and body... but mostly body this time, and in a couple of ways.

    I have learned new shapes to take, forms to shape myself into, while out hunting polar bears with Telli. I don't use lightning to hunt them, it's sword vs. claw, or if I shapeshift, claw vs. claw. I brought the hides back to the glen, and cooked the meat with Telli, and now I have rations for a few days.
    While fighting them, I feel like I learned a little more of what it is to BE a bear, how they live their lives, what they fight for...

    Now I can take the shape of one, and it all makes sense. Also, I've learned Fayt's form, that of the direwolf breed. A "Pack leader" if you will.
    There's something that makes me want to laugh when I look DOWN at a goblin caster, jaws slavering, and see if stop it's spell in mid cast, as well as it's breathing, even BEFORE I rip it to bits.

    Again... things are morbid in my mind. I've really got to quit that.

    Again, brighter things.

    My friends are alive and well, Kara and I are actually making wedding PLANS, and I am stronger than ever in every way. . .

    Random ink swirls on the page

    I guess I'm not in the right mindset for happy thoughts... I can't get the sound of that spider-woman-queen things voice out of my head. One moment otherworldly and frightening, the next a desperate plea.

    "Kill me...."

    Dammit I want to be able to sleep at night again..._