3. The Journal of Jerrick Rayfe

The Journal of Jerrick Rayfe


  • _The nighttime insects are singing.

    To my left, I hear a rustle, and a deer looks right through me, sees that it is 'safe,' and leads her young out to graze by the lake. Goblins are sleeping where they were standing previously, some as the result of my sleep spell, others simply because they are tired… and goblins.

    A fish leaps out of the water, startling the deer, and they skitter away for several minutes before returning to eat and drink as if nothing ever happened.

    I see no sign of fey stirrings, nor armies on the march, or anything of the sort. It's not that I want a fight... more or less. I simply wish I had the old knack I used to. Being in the right place at the right time. heading off disaster. Being -involved-. It's slow going, but I am sure I'll retake my usual place in things and be useful again. For now, the solitude is helping me keep my edge. Lorelai understands. I think.

    I am sure she's seen my restlessness. She was happy to see me out and about, instead of hovering overprotectively around the girls and shirking all else.

    Was I ready for children? No, not really. I wanted to wait. I wanted to give her that wedding, first. Am I happy anyway? Deliriously so. In fact, I'm downright excited to see two young people grow, and learn, and play, and become bigger versions of themselves. Elaine and Leena are lights in my life, like Lorelai. To focus more on the tasks at hand, I need nights like tonight.

    Darkness helps.

    Light is distracting, after all.

    Speaking of lights... what the hell was that? I could have sworn I saw a light across the lake. Green? Time to cast my usual protections, and go take a look. This might be what I was waiting for._


  • _Sometimes routine can bring comfort. Even days in a cave full of angry ogres with a proliferation of caster-types, no less, brought me a sense of calm and routine tension that felt… natural again.

    Even Rasuil commented that my skills are still sharp, which I appreciated. My scimitars bit into the right places over and over again, unerring and true, as they did previously. A seeming glancing blow cut deep here, a too-hurried thrust struck true. Gnolls and ogres stood no chance against the group of Z, Ginger, Rasuil, and others with me, as I tagged along on their crafting expedition. Silver, Gold, even Opal were found. I hear Maythor will be pleased about the Opal.

    There are things that I need to explore, and a dragon I need to go talk to, and keep a much closer eye on, now. There are people who I need to spend time with, and at least one that I need to be careful around, too.

    If I'm lucky, I'll even get some time to know the folks who I've been seeing around more, this Moon and Kiana. I'm sure I'll happen across them soon.

    For now, lunch._


  • _It's a little strange. Despite changes I can see in everybody, they're mostly the same. Taking the time to be quiet, and watch the others is … entertaining. Informative. Comfortable. Encouraging.

    It's nice to know that even between my visits to Avalon, and the rest of my time being solely taking care of the girls, that I'm still the same Jerrick to all the people who matter most to me.

    Thorn even made me feel right at home being myself by tying me to five beautiful women, to the complaint of none. Though... well, he DID get dunked into the water, and ... er... aroused by Albryanna is a rather cruel and entertaining fashion.

    Yes, I wrote Albryanna. She's ... different, despite being the same. It's like the Albryanna that -nobody- knows is now on the surface. What brought that about?

    It's definitely time for a talk... though I may want to do so someplace where I can't be dragged off forcibly. She's as strong as ever...

    I miss writing like this, laughing to myself in my home. The girls hardly pay attention to me these days, I think they're finding their independence. Daddy is only important to Leena when he's showing her how to shoot her tiny bow (Sorry Benji) and Xixia is trying to tell Leena how to do it, despite never having held a bow, nor shown the desire to yet.

    It's cute. I can't keep Leena out of trouble, and despite Xixia always trying to 'be the boss' or the 'leader,' she never stops Leena from getting into everything, either. It's adorable beyond words. Those kittens are a handful, but I've finally found that I'm a passable father, and found my comfort in it.

    I was afraid for years. Terrified. Everybody I've ever been with has known that I fear fatherhood, that I worry about my responsibilities to everything I'm involved in taking over, or about dying and not being there for them when they need me most.

    I've taken years to settle myself, do what I need to do, and nothing has fallen apart without me. I never thought it would, despite what some of the Wolves said, and others. Does that mean I can keep shirking those responsibilities? The fact that I wake up in the middle of the night to go clean and sharpen my already pristine weapons, and oil my already perfectly cared for armor says no. My blood is up. I'm being called.

    Ever since the rescue of Val, I have been worried about getting in over my head like that again, seeing my friends fall around me and not being able to turn back, then having to barter for their bodies. . . I admit that shook me a bit much. Hells, my body was part of that.

    I'm not as strong as I was, but I've come to the conclusion that being a good father is more than one part. Yes, being here is important, but there are threats that will find me at home if I don't go meet them out there.

    Lorelai, I know you've always said you support me however I choose to balance things. I hope I continue to make you proud. Not just for the girls, but for us. Now, it's time to go look into a few disturbing rumors I've heard..._


  • _I hate it when enough, is at the same time, enough and yes still not enough. Personally, that is. I need to quit confusing myself and write plainly…

    We got Val back. It ended up taking Shannon and Ronan retreating, and Ronan turning into a dragon, but it was enough.

    It also took the death of every other member of our party to do it.

    I am weaker for it. I am glad I did it, but I cannot stop the thoughts that consume my idle mind. I have less strength to protect my family now.

    Treacherous thoughts. Selfish thoughts. Jealous thoughts.

    We got Val back. Troff's all consuming desire. We got her back, and the shit decided to stay dead, moaning about defeat. Yeah, Troff. I'd never say it, but I know how you feel. It's never enough. I get it. Believe me, I get it. I've tasted the sand of the fugue many more times than you have. I've made deals with succubi, spoken with Avatars of Gods, my own and others, and turned down offers of power.

    I've even been forcibly ripped out of the fugue, rather than restored the traditional way. Somebody cheated, and I got a get-out-of-death-free pass from my Goddess. I am lucky beyond words or measure, but to what end?

    Really, I get it. I have less power at my disposal to protect the girls now, for someone else. Less power to help Thorn with this vision he's being plagued with. Less power to protect my mentor and friend. Less power to protect the grove.

    I ventured out of the house because I figured I was needed, and that it would help, and that the girls would be safe enough in the care of others while I return to the world of the constant risk of death.

    Somehow, I'm not surprised this happened. I'm also not going to quit. If for nothing else, so that Troff's ghost can look on the rest of us, and see what he did wrong.

    For a Lathanderite, he sure loses sight of the light a lot...

    I won't. And I'll push these selfish thoughts aside, too. There's work to do._


  • _Being bitten? I was expecting that.

    The bottles on the ladder? The scent on them? The track? Okay, I can kind of expect that.

    The feeling that it's time to unpack the blades again, clean off the armor, and make the enemies of the land feel cold and fleeting fear again at every shadow in the trees?

    It's back.

    I'll need to get Caelian and the others to help me with the kittens. I'll need to renew the wards on the house, and I'll need to put my ear to the ground once more, dust off reports, and get back to work. I love the kittens, and will be here as much as possible, but the scent on those bottles reminds me. There are those out there who need me as much as the girls, and the girls are past the point of complete helplessness. They know how to run, they know how to hide. If worst comes to worst, they'll have time to flee the house.

    No thinking on that. Not now.

    Lorie's out. Tindra too of course… I wish we'd made progress on the split, but everybody seems to have taken a break on that. It's stressful to think about, and I understand.

    Here I come. And yes, Brendel. I'm coming for you first._


  • _Quiet.

    Somehow the mewling of children, the occasional screams, all of it is like birdsong to me when I get to hear them giggle, or sigh happily.

    Quiet.

    I haven't heard the clash of swords for days.

    Quiet.

    I've hunted carefully, quickly, and quietly, and been able to avoid battle lately. I don't want the smell of battle known to the children yet. People give not nearly enough credit to the senses of other people, let alone children.

    This is my time.

    Quiet.

    The den is quiet, Lorelindra is off spending time with Rith, who I hear returned. I've got the kids settled down, and Leena is playing with Fayt's tail. He never seems to mind. He too, is quiet.

    There is growth in battle. There is growth after a forest fire. There is growth below the soil where it is seldom seen. There is also growth in reflection. I have grown as I watch my girls grow. I am more than I once was.

    I think quiet thoughts, spend quiet time with my love, and her other half, who I also love. Not in the same way of course, but it's impossible to treat them both completely differently. I couldn't do that even if they were separate. It's strange, but comforting.

    She should be back soon. I think I'll bring back some apples while I'm out. The girls love them, and I think I might make some spiced cider for the other girls, too.

    Mielikki grant me the ability to be quiet, in body, mind, and spirit._


  • _It's official. I am a father. Xixia and Leena, twin daughters, and both taking after me for hair and eyes.

    I hope they get their mothers actual looks…

    Another entry comes shortly thereafter…

    _I eventually left the cocoon of the Chauntean Temple, and noticed Hess and his faithful companion Ehto sitting near the entrance to the treehouse.

    Hess brightened and stood as he saw me and held his hands up for me to stop, lest I tread on something important.

    He then lead me over to a small green growth near the entrance of the clearing where the campfire is. About 30 feet away, Ehto stood guard over a similar small growth. Each small sapling had a small stone next to it. One simply has the Elvish letter E etched into it, the other L.

    Hess spoke;

    _I've planted two willow trees here, Jerrick. I found the twin seeds together… attached as some tree seeds are, on the same day your twins were born. With Fadia's help and blessing, we planted them here at the entrance to your home, each labeled for your daughters with these small stones.

    Ehto and I have been standing watch over them, lest a hungry deer or rabbit chomp them down. I've asked Sylvanus's help to guide these trees--and your daughters--to long, healthy, and prosperous lives.

    I do not have much coin, so I thought this was an appropriate gift. I hope it is OK with you that I have planted them here. Willows are my favorite of all trees.

    Hess closed his eyes and sang in a pleasant, quiet voice:

    _Willow bending in the breeze
    With leaves of slender green
    You stand apart from other trees
    Your sadness can be seen

    I hear you rustle in the wind
    Your branches shake and shiver
    And every time those branches bend
    The silver blades do quiver

    To hold firm when you're tempest tossed
    And harsh winds blow your way
    You stand steadfast despite the cost
    Your roots deep in the clay

    And when they cut your branches down
    And your trunk is brown and bare
    You send bright threads of green around
    And never once despair

    I've seen you branch less in the night
    A Venus without arms
    In one month's time a welcome sight
    You back with all your charms

    My mother used to sing that song. Our grove had one magnificent willow tree. It was always her favorite, and mine.

    I couldn't thank him enough, but I hope he understood my gratitude. I cannot wait to tell the girls the stories of these trees! I am certain that their mother will be thrilled as well.____


  • _Worst. Present. Ever.

    Next time Thorn hands be a box, it had better be full of Silver Valley Pastries or something, because this… this makes me incredibly angry.

    A lock of her hair. Blue. Her lip ring. A Wolf Fang. And the Maskarran symbol that is already familiar to me and the others. This was supposed to be able to show her a new way, that life didn't have to be shadows and secrets.

    Now something has taken her, and it's something intelligent enough to not only know where to send it, but how to shake us.

    I've seen body parts sent before. I'm not scared. I am however, very, very, angry.

    I am not sure whether or not to expect a mage who has a block against scrying up, and is simply being very cocky, or a moron who thought sending a lock of her hair was smart. Or even someone expecting one of US to come... most likely Rasuil, with a trap at the read... Oh shit.

    I think I know.

    The journal is tossed aside in a hurry, and left on the ground in his house. Whoever visits the house on RL Wed. October 27th may find it and read it if they have a key, and want to happen across it._


  • The familiar writing that fills the pages is black this time, apparently done with his coal-stick, which is actually a branch subjected to 'warp wood' with a thin line of coal and something to bond it inside. Apparently more portable than an inkpot.

    _It's times like these that I not only live for, but fight for. Ironic that I didn't participate in the fight night games past some heckling and cheering. As I sit, Cherry and Aramuil are nearby, as are Fadia and Lune. Fadia is cheerful, and Lune is confident and brightly smiling as usual. Ronan's here too, and Lorelai is of course, cuddled up against me on my soft cloak. Rith was here during the first few events, but has wandered off. I hope she's alright.

    I managed to convince Lorelai to wear one of her outfits. She's showing now, and talk has of course gone to recipes for the strict wife that I'm apparently supposed to fear, baby names, and even whether or not we'll have a were-cat baby. Frankly, I'm prepared for whatever comes.

    Well, I hope anyway.

    I'm comfortable in my life. I'm comfortable with the people around me. It seems we have indeed "Banished Misfortune," though I was not in the middle of it at the end, as I rather expected to be. I'm rather glad I wasn't. It's funny talking about luck in the same page as all this, but mine hasn't seemed up to par lately in crucial moments, so I'm glad I was at home where it matters, ensuring Lorelai's safety. I am more than slightly expecting a visit from a certain enchantress of the non-light variety again, and am always prepared to run with the girls, even if I need to hold off the enchantress myself.

    Troff came over, and smiled.

    I'm really pleased to see that. When he asked how we were, I puposely avoided asking him how he was, but enjoyed conversing like we used to. He's good company, it's just hard to talk about difficult situations with him, the personal type.

    Lorelai is yawning her pretty little nose off over here, so I think I'm going to pick her up, and take her someplace comfy for a cat-nap, and then go take a walk about my woods. No sense in being lax now, as other threats always fill in a power vaccuum. In a hurry, too.

    I think next stop… elf camp._


  • _Well that was close.

    I like bars. Ale, conversation, a cheery fire during a cool evening. It's all nice. The other bars? The vertical ones? The ones that taint you, keep you from freedom, and remind you of wrongdoing or simple misunderstanding … those I don't care for quite so much.

    I was never made out for this kind of stuff, but it seems to find me anyhow. I was also not made for diplomacy, but Fadia fixed that, too. Unfortunately, while I can argue with a Dire Bear or Tiger, and make them pause to listen, the same cannot be said for Zealots.

    Being barred from a temple is one thing. I can understand that. I trod on toes, speak out openly, and know well enough that people listen to me. Even to the point of following orders in a town I have no authority in. That could make me a nuisance, even dangerous. Sure, I'll pretend that makes sense long enough to smile and nod vacantly.

    Barring my entire circle? That's another matter entirely. I keep hearing questions, little updates, the like. It's enough to make that old rage surface again, the one that makes me want teeth and fur and a pack to circle with... but I push that back as always. Calm. Collected. These are my thoughts, this is my soul. Mine. I will not give in to weakness, temptation, or fear. Especially not fear.

    I am friend. I am mentor. I am companion. I will be husband. I will be father. Hells, maybe I'll be grandfather some day. I will not be weak. I will not be quiet. I may be misunderstood, but it will not be for lack of my own explanation.

    It's days like this I want to take all the Druids to someplace else for a month of two, and let the balance sort itself around Narfell, until somebody came and asked us to return to our duties. If the possible loss of life was worth it, I would even entertain the idea... but those are cruel thoughts, and I will treat with them no more.

    Happier thoughts.

    My apprentice is progressing well. He asks questions and takes the answers to heart. His meet with the Elders was admirable, too. I've passed on some of the gear and artifacts that I keep for the purpose of training apprentices with ... hopefully one who can replace me in time if I fall. So far, he seems like a good choice.

    I was nearly killed twice, and both very recently, yet somehow I clung to life on one occasion, and the other Mielikki picked me back up. I needs be more careful if I'm to continue teaching him. If I'm to finally be married. If I'm to finally be a father.

    I should get some sleep. She's so peaceful lately, I almost forget about the nightmares that used to be there. I hope she has too._


  • _So much to write about, so much to do, so much that's been done.

    I suppose I can skip a few details of arguments, fights, bad feelings and other unfortunate business. So far 'Misfortune' takes precedece anyhow, at least in the immediate take of things. It still sits behind a few other things though.

    I forgot how exhilirating enchanting could be. I think it's complete. I need to see if it holds together in the morning, as my stitchwork is capable, but by no means a master's work. It's a good thing the one thing I could work like a master, WAS a belt.

    Lorelai is healthy, and she and Tindra seem mostly happy from what Lorelai tells me. Sure they argue once in a while about who comes forward, and when, but I've stayed out of that except to ask for Lorelai to be with me tomorrow night. I plan on taking her someplace she's not been lately, to the woods near the Gypsy Camp.

    I'll be avoiding Hoarans of course, and it'll be a fight getting there, but I remember a pretty place that we can go to. I can't wait to give this to her…

    On a similar note of excitement, I have a new friend.

    Arthro.

    Yeah, the Arthro of yore, the Druid-Hunting Malarite of exceeding nastiness, and ally of the Defiler. In our world, anyway.

    In his original world/existance/plane, he was a Malarite, once. He was reformed by Eluriel before she went bad, and was a Wolf with Eluriel and I, and now a follower of Gwaeron.

    Poor guy spent most of his recent time here being chased by Darya and Bonegnasher, so I had to take some pretty decisive action to ensure his safety, and now the Circle is quite assured of his trustworthiness. I'm just worried if he'll ever be able to go back.

    Two theories exist so far.

    Leaving Peltarch, the place where he 'came' here from, moved him away from the source of whatever brought him over, and he cannot return until he returns to that.

    The link to get him back is severed somehow. We have eben less details to support this, but like the other, it's entirely possible. We may eventually find a way to test it. Hells, we may have to try Thorn's portal sword, or Ansible, or whatever it's called. Knowing him, he probably calls it "Swordy."

    At any rate, time to go for a run, and see what my apprentice is up to. Hess got my letter, and we've communicated with that so far. I feel like a lousy Mentor sometimes, but he knew how into things I get, so hopefully he's not too disappointed yet.

    I plan on finding him soon, too.

    So much to do... and that stupid fey in the soulstone needs to quit staring at me. I can feel it..._


  • _It's over.

    I say that in a way that makes my own words echo around the room and turn it into a laugh, of course. It's both a happy laugh, and a haunting one.

    It's over. The fight against the nightmares, the influence of the fey that it turns out he didn't intend. The thing that made the nightmares stick to Lorie as well as Tindra was just that she was simply too alike. She became like Tindra, and the nightmares focused on her too.

    Now… I've got them. This little stone, a little willpower, and a little fey influence from him accepting the words to my duel. Now I have him.

    I spent too much time in faerie to have pity for a fey who would torment a soul on the behest of another, in exchange for a firstborn. He is powerful, but foolish. He didn't ask what weapon I was using, so I took iron to him. He didn't take time to spell himself up, merely said "En guarde" and took me on. He didn't ask if magic was allowed, or state anything to the fact, so we both used it, but his spells fizzled against my protections. Now he is mine. He's going to work for the rest of my life as whatever I wish him for. I'll turn his power to MY goals. I'll undo what he's done, and make sure the girls never have cause to have a bad dream again.

    And the same with my child.

    I don't have words for this that make sense. I wasn't sure I ever wanted to be a father, and I thought Lorelai has been taking preventative measures... but she IS a werecat. I didn't think about what that might change. I could dig into the subject, find out exactly how it happened, but there's no point.

    I'm actually... glad.

    Sure it's awkward to have Tindra come 'forward' back into her own body... and be carrying my child but, strangely enough she doesn't seem to mind. Now we need to find Andu.

    In the back of my mind I worry, too. I had may as well write this down. I worry a little about what the girls will decide on. Rith was stressed, she wants her Lorelai to stay, but I pressed the point that the whole reason I did ANY of this, learned how to get into her mind and dreams, learned how to take others there, and took the massive risks we all did, was to get them back in communication with one another, so they can speak.

    From what I understand... they could only speak through notes left for the other in the real world, seen when they wake. What we did brought them both onto the same plane of consciousness, I believe. It may cause some problems, or it may be perfect. I don't know though...

    I'll know soon enough.

    Gods I'm a Dad...Mielikki grant me wisdom, patience, and strength to face my fear._


  • _The past and I are no strangers. Of course I existed in the past, giving me at least some passing familiarity with it, I mean it in a more literal sense. For years, no, decades … I really lived in the past. I clung desperately to it, like a child. I probably have abandonement issues, or something similar. I can't stand to listen to people who make that kind of thing up, personal philosophers if you will, but I think in this case they may have had me pegged correctly.

    Boy would this throw them off.

    I was buying potiosn with the guys, all of us in the temple of the Triad in Peltarch. Then we were in the temple as it was years ago. Daisy was glowing, holding up wards of some sort, and the entire building was the shape that it had before the war. And ... yeah, during the war. Wonderful.

    One of the older knights challenged us, demanding to know who we were, as if he didn't see is come in. He didn't, of course. We appeared. I explained that I was Jerrick of the Rawlins, and these were my Wolves, and though apprehensive, he didn't attack. Instead he bid us leave, and if we wanted to be useful, go help the fighters at the West Gate.

    Long story short, we ended up there, after being pummeled by flaming ordinance from Strauss Organs, and ended up fighting armatures and N'jast soldiers. Ye GODS this is easier now than it was then. Just... wow. We destroyed them, with the help of some Legion soldiers that showed up late in the fighting.

    We talked for a while... only to find a not very surprised guard looking at us, back at the present day West Gate.

    We were physically moved.

    Weird...

    At any rate, it made me think of the past as a thing I can't get away from, but also as something that exists whether I pay attention to it or not.

    That's right. The past exists.

    I don't have to live my present while staring at it though._


  • _At times it is hard to write about the past, and prefectly recall experiences. Other times, however, I cannot force images and memories from my mind no matter how hard I try.

    Every time I touch my right ear, I remember. I remember…

    It was dawn. I spoke to Jynai's advisor, the saracastic old elf, Burgon. I spoke to scouts, mages, and wounded warriors who had experience in dealing with her father's men, their traps, their attacks, and their defenses. I remember watching the sun as I spoke to the elves around me, and even the occasional half-elf. Every portion of a day that passed, I thought of Lorelai, and hoped that the others were all taking care of one another while I was away. "There is much to do, but only one of me to do some of the things that need done." ... is a thought that often crossed my mind, and even in the midst of sparring with her guards to keep myself limber, I imagine Rith chiding me for such thoughts.

    Yes yes, I know I am not alone. I knew it then, just as I know it now, however when I was in Cormanthyr, I was alone. I saw Jynai occasionally, but for my own reasons, kept contact fairly brief. I can tell seeing me caused her pain, and I wasn't about to keep that up. She had little good to say about Brendel, which made me wonder "Why," more often than was good for me. I still love him as a brother, and as a friend. None of this was anyone's 'fault,' I realize, it just 'happened' in much the same way Jynai and I did. I don't hold it against him, but I feel bad for knowing what she told me. I wonder if I should tell him her thoughts. I wonder if she ever will...

    I am getting distracted again. I was distracted then, too, at times. No matter how hard a warrior trains, there are distractions. In the middle of reviewing maps, examining weapons and even bodies of slain enemies, my thoughts wandered. I had an easier time stteling my mind for the fight with the Dracolich and the Hungry One. At least there, the foe is obvious. Here I had a man who was seldom seen, but very present in the minds of those around me.

    The details surrounding him were as vague as the picture my mind's eye painted of him. Elven, dark haired, and cruel-eyed. Probably wearing robes, as most mages do ... there was little to go off of. Thankfully, I had the details I needed. Location. I knew now where his tower was. Power. I had an idea of what spells he liked to use. Fears. He was rumored to have NONE. A man without fear is a man who will not flinch. A man whose confidence would make him unbeatable in well picked battles, and inspire fear in his enemies. It would also make him vulnerable if surprised. At least, that's what I told myself.

    The attack was a plan I devised with Burgon, based on what little I knew of the man, and what tricks of my own I was capable of. There would be three attacks. The first, I would be in the rear of. We would sneak in as far as we could into his territory, right for the tower, and take out any sentries that we could. We were a group almost entirely comprised of rangers and scouts, under the cover of various blessings of camouflage, but no invisibility magics. We moved in, and made it past several sentries before we were spotted, bringing the battle to bear with several summons and beasts to augment our numbers.

    The effect was devastating on the outermost scouts, and several perished where they stood, pierced by arrows from five different sides, while a couple escaped back towards the tower. A token force of guards engaged us, and we did our best to make a show of being unprepared, as if suprised to be seen, and sounded a retreat with a horn.

    Stage two happened then. Another horn echoed ours, and heavy fighters charged in quite a ways west of us. I was able to make out "It was a distraction" during our pursued retreat, and the bait was taken. The force chasing us split, and I took my first major gamble.

    -Crunch-

    I shifted, and stayed in a bush, wings pulled in tight to my sides. My force fled, and went to join the larger group, while I watched between green leaves and branches that would have obscured the sight of a larger creature. Sure enough, only a single scout stayed behind, and he was busy removing an arrow from himself. He didn't even see me fly past.

    I stayed my course, where the initial group would have come through had they stayed, and listened from high in a tree. This was what I was dreading. The waiting. Jynai's soldiers were to play tag with the enemy. Bait them into sending a large force to get them. Draw as much attention as possible. I merely had to await the signal... which soon shook the trees around me.

    Kegs.

    The second wave of scouts had accompanied mages, who had devised a way with their spell-mumbo-jumbo to easily move kegs, and a staggered perimeter several leagues wide was established in smoke and flame. The kegs did not burn brightly, or very hot, but what they were filled with smoked terribly. Now would be the time that Jynai's forces would place their masks on, wet cloths with banded-glasses like Benji's for their eyes. With any luck, the enemy was supposed to think there were now fifteen or so groups, moving up under the cover of smoke and fire, at least one for each explosion... and I heard it.

    Several staccatto blasts from horns that were not our own, and various shouts and the sound of spells being placed on warriors. That was my chance.

    -crunch-

    I stood at the top of a sturdy pine, and cast my spells upon myself, adding upon my camouflage spell with the Wisdom of Owls, the Strength of Bulls, the Grace of Cats, and Lasting Endurance. I would be prepared for combat. Spell Resistance, Freedom of Movement, Protection from Element, and Death Ward to ensure that this fight would not end with me helpless due to magicks. Barkskin and Stoneskin to save -my- skin were last, and I was off with a familiar 'crunch.'

    With all the magic upon me, I was sure he would see me coming, but it was a chance I would have to take. I hoped, prayed, and blessed myself with the Unicorn Pendant give to me by the Lady's servant once I landed atop a tree nearest his tower. The rope was the hardest thing to place in a feathered form, but Wolf not only never forgets rope, but also knows when to use it. There it sat, atop his tower where I dropped it, the loop neatly over a spire, waiting for me to grab hold. Who am I to dissapoint?

    The next part was a blur, and then a horrible, heart-stopping standstill.

    Crunch. Fall. Grab. I didn't miss the rope. I didn't end the battle broken upon the ground below. So far so good, right? I pulled myself up to the height I needed to be at, and ran alongside the wall... or tried to. Those acrobats in Amn made it look SO easy. I clung to the rope for dear life, and drifted towards the window, reaching out with one hand...

    Crackling blue energy expended itself against me as my hand clutched the sill, and I nearly yelped with surprise as my resistance held, and I was not pushed back out from the force of the magic missiles that pummeled me. I counted myself lucky, that time, and nearly pulled a muscle yanking myself in while the mage began to chant another spell.

    I had enough time to turn my ring. Kara's ring. I glowed blue, and the next wave of blue energies made a cute little "Pff" noise when they touched me, eliciting a laugh from the elf in front of me, who put down his hands and shook his head.

    [e] You think you're prepared, don't you?" he asked, sneering like some classic Narfellian villain. Hells, out Banites sneered better than this guy, so I can honestly say I was unimpressed.

    "Enough." I replied with a shrug, in common. I wasn't about to speak Elven to someone like this. I wanted him to know that a mere halfer was in front of him. He realized something along those lines, it seems, because his eyebrows went straight up.

    "You're not even a elf, are you? " He sounded incredulous, and apparently didn't see it necessary to grace me with his precious language at this point.

    "Got it in one, fancypants. " I told him. His garb was almost laughably ornate, and wizardly. Or sorcerorly. How would I know? "Well, mostly."

    "Oh, a halfbreed then. I'll take that much more pleasure in killing you then. My useless whelp of a daughter must have sent you. " He was enjoying himself at this point, and likely counting on my spells disappearing. The ghostly visage from the ring did indeed leave me just then, making his grin widen. Creepy…

    "Oh no. I sent me. Oh, and by the way ... " I charged, drawing both of my blades with no warning, mid-leap. "Die!"

    I admit, I wasn't likely my most eloquent of battle cries. Nor was it the kind of thing any 'good' person is normally quoted as saying to the badguy when he kills them. Well, usually. It was however, effective. Defensive spells went up. My blades hit their mark the first two times, but did little damage to him while he almost casually snapped off his spells under his breath, doing his best to dodge me while looking as casual as possible. Bastard...

    I flailed, and made huge, tiring movements, and must have looked desperate. I slipped here and there on the slick floor, nearly ending up in the splits, before rolling seemingly less than graceful out of the way of a fireball, no... two of them. He almost seemed to be playing with me. . . good thing I love games.

    I stopped, leaning on the wall and panting gibberish, looking exhausted. He laughed, shook his head, and flicked a hand disdainfully at me. green arcing lights made their way to me, and I had just enough time to finish my own muttering before the acid arrows ate into my stoneskin, and protections. I must have eaten more of those fireballs than I thought...

    At least lightning came ricocheting off the walls in the room from the window to give him a healthy singe halfway through his next casting, interrupting him with a shock of multiple kinds, eliciting a laugh from me despite myself. I needed that laugh, I think. Realizing your own mortality in the face of a spellcaster like that really makes a man think, so I thought ... and my thought at the moment was, "Great, what now."

    Every battle with a mage has three stages, necessary to survival.

    One: Surprise. Alright, that didn't work out too well for me this time.

    Two: Momentum. Keep em pinned down, and keep em from casting as much as you can. I didn't have much momentum yet in this fight, but thankfully I DID have him playing with me.

    Three: Preparation. If the above two fail, or don't go as planned, the preparation is your only way of getting out alive. Step three saved my life right after that thought flashed past... as did the color yellow.

    Ronan casts that hand thing, or something similar... and now, I would be stuck. Helpless. Immobile... There I was, standing stock still in the corner, while he grinned like a viper, and raised his hands to cast again, apparently done wasting time.

    I'm no master spellcaster. I can't identify a spell easily as it's being cast, or remember what gestures mean a certain spell is coming... but I do know the sound of death magicks as they rip through the air towards you. I do remember seeing my Lorelai drop lifelessly in front of me as her heart simply stopped, like a puppet whose strings have been caught. I did remember... that the first part of the pattle, that first stage... didn't have to be over.

    I went as limp as I could while the yellow hand thing circled my supposedly immobile body. I did my best to look like it was the only thing holding me up, despite the fact that my own Freedom spell was holding up still... likely only for a few more moments. I was only protected from the elements as much as my Heart of Valor allowed, so any elemental spell he might want to take me out with if I twitched, would simply get through. Though... if I had enough momentum...

    That was all the thinking I needed. I held my breath to wait for the signal... and heard it immediately. Two footsteps.

    -Crunch-

    I shifted, roared, and lifted both giant clawed paws in the air to smash him... and also make myself a huge target. He shouted a curse, and a spell formed in the tiny space between us ...

    -Crunch-

    I did my best to ignore the blazing heat on my right side of my face, the searing pain, and took the opportunity to attack him as he moved to adjust for the new form in front of him. I took a heavy hit as a bear, but he did as well once I shifted back. He moved, I stabbed under his raised arm. He stepped back to cast, I cut again. There was a brief moment where I wondered if my spell resistance was still working, when a bright flash and a choked out "No.." confirmed that it was indeed, while the spell fizzled out against my stone-flecked skin.

    We stood posed like that for several long moments. There was blood now, dripping from both of us while we held the position that looked like two awkward dancers in mid-step. It would have looked almost graceful, except for the two dripping scimitars that protruded from the back of one of the dancers.

    It took some time for that impotent yellow hand to go away. About the amount of time it took for him to lean his head forward, and bare his teeth at me as he hissed out his last words.

    "I curse you, half-breed... Die all.. a. ... "

    Some curses are anti-climactic. This one was not only that, but unfinished too. Needless to say, a non-faerie curse, especially an unfinished one simply isn't that scary to me anymore. I can say that, since he didn't complete it and all, and pretend that I'm such a badass that my blood didn't run cold when he started it. I can also pretend I didn't give each sword a viscious twist when he got to "All," too. Those who are prepared to win at any price, should also be prepared to die for the same. He ... was not.

    There were a few parchments about, maps and orders from the looks of it, which I bundled into my pack, and nothing else of value, unfortunately. The items which the mage held had that greasy, tainted feel to them, so I left them, and him, where they lay as I dropped a flask of flammable liquid down, and struck my firestone at the window.

    -Crunch-

    A wolf with a large chunk taken out of it's right ear, and a lot of missing fur on that side limped back the way it came, through smoke and ash, where there was a distinct lack of fighting. The kegs had been a scare tactic and diversion through and through. Small forces pretended to attack, and used the favorable breeze and obscuring acrid smoke to make it seem like their force was much larger, and prevent the hostile troops from simply swarming, which made for a fairly easy walk back for a scared, burned woodland creature just like the others that had possibly gone by.

    -Crunch-

    [e]"Who goes there!?"

    [e] "Jerrick, of the Rawlins." said the scorched and bleeding me, who probably looked a bit like a partially ruined statue. "Here. Give these to Jynai, and let her know that 'he' is no more. I'm headed home, so wish her the best for me. "

    The guard looked stunned for a moment as the implications set in, but he said nothing at all. He nodded, almost saluted, then sprinted off with a shout to his companions. My work was done, and I headed off in the direction of safety, away from Cormanthyr. There really was no point in staying around. Things with Feather, Jynai, were tense at best. I did what I came to do, and went home, then, taking the long way to give myself time to rest and heal before getting home. It was messy, but it was done.

    Now that I won't use up all my blue ink, I can bring my mind back to the present.

    Lorelai. The next full moon is but nights away, and when Selune is watching over her servant closely, I will attempt the dreamwalk, and try to save her from the fey influence within her.

    The Hungry One is gone, along with his Dracolich, and Jynai is as safe as I can make her, for now. My time for excuses is past, and now I risk whom I hold dearest, as well as myself and my friends, in an attempt to set her free, and the other 'her' as well. One or both may even be lost in this, perhaps all of us, but it's a risk we need to take.

    We'll find out in a few nights. The truth will make itself plain. Mielikki, aid me and grant me wisdom. I'll need it in what is to come._


  • _A trip was mentioned in earlier pages. I occasionally read back over my writing, to gather my thoughts, and make sure to take care of anything that I may have left unsaid, or undone. That being said, I haven't told anybody much about the events that conspired in Cormanthyr. Even my beloved Lorelai has agreed to wait on any explanation, even with me returning home with a notch taken out of my right ear.

    I suppose it's time I wrote this tale. I think I'll use the easier to make ink for this one.

    The ink on my journal was dry. My face was dry, too… but so were my lips. I was parched, and not from just some silly lack of water. It was gnawing at me. All the righteous anger and hurt in the world wasn't going to simply make it go away... that lingering feeling that no matter what the hell happened between Brendel and Jynai, being mad at them wasn't going to help. It wasn't going to save her. Wasn't going to help her or her people survive... and try as I might, I couldn't just sit there being selfish. I made a plan, wrote a letter for Lorelai, and packed a bag with spell reagents, potions, and enough weaponry to equip a small force. It was time.

    "Just like before... Jerrick. Just use the tree... " the tree in question was in the glen, the first one I had passed into Avalon with, but this time I had a guide. Yes, the guide was expecting to help me to Tindra's mind again, but I said I had something to tend to, first. Lorelai had said she still loved Feather like a sister, and I neededto do this for her just as much as myself. The tree wavered a little in my sight, and I stepped through... finding myself in a familiar cave that was at the same time there, and not there. The familiar pillars of colored lights were there too... and I followed my instincts.

    "Cormanthyr... Gods, that practically -is- a ley-line. This might be easier than I thought! " I remember saying to myself, as I stepped into the light after draping myself in spells... even happening across an alert guard force I would be safe from harm... to an extent. Barked, physically buffed to a nearly superhuman level as usual, and warded from spells, I stepped through the light... and found myself exactly where I figured. IN trouble. "

    It was almost immediate that the guards found me. Nothing like stepping from a tree in the middle of an elven city all aglow druing a war to have the guards come running, after all. After some small exchanges with the first responding guards, the scout Burgon was brought to the scene and informed of the visitor's name, his brow shooting up in shock and recognition of it.

    [e] "You're a ways from the Rawlins then aren't you now?" the elf asked, slowly looking me over and likely realising that despite the bark.. the man he saw was a bit tall for an elven.. and bit thicker as well.

    [e] "Yes, you could say that." I told him, "But, the Rawlins and this place have a few things in common." With the hand not still holding my shield, I knocked on the massive tree that I stepped out of. "So, being hopeful that Jynai's guards aren't just going to take my word for it that I am who I say I am… anything you need to ask me or see of me to make sure I am he?"

    Burgon stared thoughtfully at me, the much younger man for a long while considering this before he spoke.

    [e] "You can tell me then the -queens- sister's name?"

    [e] "Most would know her as Tindra. I know her as Lorelai as well. She even has an uncanny resemblance to Jynai." I used the name deliberately. "She is a sorceress, among other things." I spent a moment, appraising the elf before me.

    Burgon smirked and made a motion with his right hand. Several archers dropped from limbs above and began to wander off. Big surprise, I smelled them, and even heard one. He turned away and started heading toward the center of the large tree city.

    [e]" This way.. " He dropped his voice as we walked along
    [e] "Last man I thought to see here after that cocky wild one." he said, before eyeing me for a while, clearly gauging my reactions, or perhaps just me. He was walking along the platform further into the city, centering toward the largest of the tree-based building built across dozens and dozens of trees.
    [e]"That of course will not be good enough in the end…" he told me, training off as he walked, only to continue. "Her father is a powerful mage, and his oldest son, an acomplished priest of one of the foul dark fiends gods...Eventually they'll acomplish with magic what Aden would have done with his men..spits the city's damned then one way or the other."
    I nod, rubbing my barky chin with a scrape, and chuckled quietly [e] Well, I guess you can say that's why I am here, then. The end you mentioned. Tell me more, especially anything Jynai might withhold from me in concern for my safety, or something equally silly." I remember being blunt with him, as I would with a fellow soldier. Polite, but blunt. It was enough to make him stop completely, and eye me, clearly considering … something.
    [e] "If she cared for you, and I think she did…" He shrugged, as if not quite sure it's his place to assume or say more. "She'll not lie to you, thats not her way." His words ended, and I found us approaching a great building, whose doors opened at our approach, leaving him free to lead me deep inside of it.
    I replied, [e]"No… but she'll go out of her way to protect someone from danger. I finished the task necessary of me in the Rawlins for the moment, the taint is completely gone now. It's time another taint was cleansed... as a goodbye gift, if nothing else. "

    [e] "Anyway.. " he motioned ahead of him and stepped aside "I suppose we'll both know soon enough lad ." He smirked at something, then, and trotted to the side amongst various courtiers and other folk, til he was behind the dias, and then seemingly out of sight.

    As the elves opened the doors and we stepped inside, the guard darting into his shadows, I dropped the bark with a quickly muttered dispel. I also had the sense to take just a moment to pull my hair back into something respectable before striding directly down the hall to the throne, keeping a respectful distance.

    Jynai stood at the foot of the Dias, the throne towering over her. Her wavy golden hair splayed across the soft yellow gown , full and bristling out, as she regarded me coolly with her ice-blue eyes. Despite that stare, she hesitated a moment, once more the lost Feather as she considered me, to what ends I do now know. Her hand subconsciously slid down over her belly though, that much I remember. Then she spoke, almost whispered, "Jerrick.. "

    I had halted about ten or fifteen feet away, aware that at least four weapons were clearly visible upon my person, and I had not wanted to make anybody unduly nervous. She motioned for me to come closer, and I addressed her as I moved.

    [e]"Your highness, I have come to offer my service in the task of aiding your people against the current threat you face. I offer myself, and Mielikki's grace to you, and my advisement should you wish it." I was more than well aware that I had probably gotten the attention of all the various courtiers in the place and despite her motion for me to come closer, I remained roughly five feet away before bowing slightly, and keeping my head lowered, before speaking clearly once more, still facing her feet.

    [e]"Though as before, do not expect to turn me away if you would not use me. it will take more than the command of a queen to do so… with all due respect of course."

    Her lip seemed to quiver slightly as I stopped short of her, and seemingly unsure she looked to her healer, who without hestation clapped her hands, shouting for the hall to be cleared. Jynai's gaze dropped, as did her shoulders, and she spoke to me, for the first time since she left.

    [e]" Do you hate me then?.. have you only come then to stop another evil?.. service.. " her words trailed off, and she finally looked back up at me, but only briefly. "You remember don't you?.. you wouldn't let me completely into your heart for just that wasn't it?"

    I cuts the air between us with a dismissive gesture, my hand moving as if knocking something off a table, then falling back to my side. [e] "I cannot hate someone that I loved so fiercely and you know it. Do not be another to mock and twist my words. As for love… I couldn't let someone completely into my heart so soon for fear, and nothing else. Fear that proved correct, even if it was because of my own self-fulfilling propechy.
    To that end, I came to make right what I nearly did to begin with. Had it not been for everything else I was neck deep in when you left, I would have followed. Your timing in that... was impeccable. Now I'm done with two other threats, both the Hungry one AND his Dracolich are no more. The taint is gone from the woods. I know of brendel and yourself... though not as much as I know now I gestured to her belly, but that again is not why I came. I would see you free from your family, as I offered once before. Will you accept my offer this time... your highness?"

    She blinked, looking down at herself though not showing yet enough to be seen through the dress, yet she seemed not suprised that I figured it out. [e]"Her name is Vanya" She miled as she ran her hands over her belly. "I don't think he'll be a good father, but who am I to judge. I did not have a good role model I suppose."
    She smiled up at me, then, and inquired as to Lorelai's health.[e] My sister? You are her are one now I pray?" She paused a moment," I do not think she will live long if not Jerrick…"

    [e] "Your 'sister' is well enough, though she both misses you, and is plagued with nightmares still, that grow worse. I ventured alone, into her mind, and battled the nightmare to a standstill… after finding out exactly why she is having them. I will be returning from here, once this business is through, to finish that task immediately, and completely, in hopes of returning both of them. I am attempting a dangerous task of bringing several people to help as well."

    I found I could only answer simply, and without her smile, as the topics were yet grim, as was my business at hand. She noticed.

    [e]" Both of them?.. but? What becomes of my s-" she began, before I cut her off.
    [e] "It's only fair. I will not -kill- an innocent person for my own selfishness. I intend to bring them both back to the surface so that they can at least speak once more, even if they end up deciding that Tindra may have herself back, and I am necessarily set aside as with Lorelai.

    She seemed about to cry as she spoke, and her words seemed as an attempt to cut me, accuse me as my friends had recently. [e]"But..don't you love her?"

    [e] "I love her fiercely. I will not allow you to so much as question that. I also, however, know that there is another person there. Trapped. One whom Lorie once -was-, still -is-, and wants to see free as well. We already know that the two of them can survive peacefully inside that body, so I intend to take things once step at a time, and free Tindra. What happens next is more up to them, than me. "

    [e] "Jerrick..your.." She shook her head, turned away, and walked off a few steps. you do hate me.. I wish .. I wish it could have been different .. my people were here.. needed me… " She turned to look at me over her shoulder, then. "... and you would never have been one with Lorelai as long as I was there. Would you have? " It was Almost more statement than question.

    I had but to answer truthfully. [e] "No on both counts. I do not leave someone once I am with them, unless they go away and I am led to believe they're not coming back. And no, I do not hate you. If I hated you, I would not be here. I would let you go on with your life, as long or as short as it may be, without giving you a second thought. But I am here, and here because I care about your people too. Even if it's just because of you. We shared something, once. I doubted it after you left, and I probably owe you for that. Here I am.

    [e]"Oh Jerrick..it was real to me.. I only loved one more than you.. and I was killing her.. " She turned once more then, but only to sit on her throne, and wash her face of emotion, to address me as I had come. For duty."You have questions? I will answer what ever you wish to know of my father. We are locked in long lasting battle now with his troops, he sends conjurations regularly now to tip the balance in these small battles in his favor. Ocassionally my eldest brother, a half-breed of drow descent like Aden will join these battles. He is a priest of Vhaerun, and hates me as much as he did my mother. " She waited then.

    As she recounted her story, the news, what I needed to know, she seemed to grow colder, more distant, and I interrupted the thoughts at hand, frustrated.

    [e]"Jynai, it was real to me too… dammit, forget it. This is hardly the time nor place. I plan on being a weapon while I am here, in any way possible. I want to break them. Show me how to get to -one- of them, whichever one will weaken them the most, be accesible, and I will do whatever is needed to break them. "

    She paused, thoughtfully. It was a long moment, before the peeked around her throne, and addressed the space behind it. [e] "Burgon?"
    The old elven scout slowly stepped back out of the shadows again, his head bent out of respect for just a moment.
    He spoke then, watching me. [e]If the druid thinks he can pierce your fathers tower then this might be all ended with a single strike. Providing Jediah does not manage to take up his mantle, either way you will be rid of one of them.. *Then he looked pointedly over to me. "Or of him."

    The Queen, she flinched when he said that. She looked at me almost pleading with me not to start a fight, and for that moment, she looked like the Feather I knew.

    I wasn't going to, and I spoke to him plainly, then. [e] "Hardly a deterrent, good 'elf'. Like my brothers, I risk my life in service to whatever cause I choose. In this case, it's both personal and a duty. Your -queen- is not my queen, but I risk myself for her anyway. If you have judgements to make, please do so on your own time."

    She closed her eyes as if praying Burgon will shut up.. and after a moment opened then seeing both of us looking to her.

    [e] "Anything you need Jerrick, Burgon can provide.. or another if you so wish." She made a motion with her hand toward the scout who gave her a slight bow then leaving through the main doors passing by me with a grin as he did.
    [e]" I .. trust … your judgement Jerrick in this more then my own.. "Both men hate me.. want to see me bent knee before them and will gladly kill every single one of my people to see this done."

    I paused a moment, and softened. It hurt, seeing her trying to be ... distant. Cold. I changed the subject a little. [e] "I kind of like him. " I told her, tipping my head in the direction that the scout left from. " That being said… how are you holding up? "

    Everything about her bearing changed, then, her face nearly glowed for a moment at seeing me drop the business-like demeanor, then she continued speaking on that thread.

    [e] "I am pregnant Jerrick.. sick every morning, then I have to come out here and put on a daily charade..this is not the life I wanted…And the father.." She shrugged " is Brendel. We'll never be one.. I know that as surely as I did with you, though I did want that very much once .. I hope you believe that.. My place now is here.. I will be my people's queen but no more."

    I shook my head. [e] "I know, now. I'm sorry that I couldn't… I don't know, I'm sorry and I'm not, you know? Your people needed you, much more than I did I guess. I was just hurt when I found out.. .with Brendel though. Really got me thinking. Thinking the worst.. too. "

    She left her dias, walking that seemingly huge distance, to embrace me, and nearly whispered then, as if we were surely still being listened to.

    [e] I love you Jerrick still.. I always will.. I just loved her more ..*

    She led me to the guest chambers, where I would be put up for the duration of my stay. Fancy stuff by comparison to my usual, and I looked about before speaking.

    [e] "So.. all that aside… I want to help. I have to do something to help, and you know as well as ... okay, you don't know as well as I..." I couldn't help but laugh a bit. "...but I assure you I may have some tricks to surprise them. How might I strike hardest? The critical point. "

    Rather than simply answer, she got up on her toes to kiss my cheek, and spoke quietly again.

    [e] "You've already helped Jerrick just letting me see you again..more then you know.. but father is the greatest threat now..without him the dark ones would leave.. they see Jadiah as no more then a half breed." she flinched as she said that to me, her hand going quickly to her chest. "I do not see that in you love.. you are all heart.. I will let you rest now."

    I merely chuckled at the comment's irony. [e] "In that case a half-breed striking down your father would dishearten his whole army that much more."

    I had been about to say more, but I was beset then… by elf maidens, of all things.

    [e] "It is .. very good .. to see you again.. I hope this task will not make it the last time."

    [e] "Happy to help, " I told her, "it will be what it will be, Jynai. I don't make a habit of losing, though, nor intend to start now. Remember… Druids cheat. "

    She grinned at me and closed the door, which apparently was some kind of signal. I had time for a strangled complaint of "hey" before I was nearly forcibly stripped, and simply had to quiet down and deal with the bathing, dressing, grooming, and fussing expected to be given to a guest of the court. I wasn't really surprised, honestly. I know as well as any, some battles can't be won._

    (This is the first part of the story, from a conversation/RP with Feather that I dissected to make into a narrative. The rest will be forthcoming shortly.)


  • _Hello little book… and whoever might be reading my words. If you're wondering, quite a length of time has passed since I wrote, despite only spending nearly a week or two in Cormanthyr.

    I did what was needed, and came back... only to find myself a mess. I had been snapping at those close to me, frightening those who did not know me as well, and being generally somebody who I did not like seeing in the mirror, and liked Lorelai seeing less.

    Much happened upon my return, the Dracolich and Hungry One are but chapters in our stories now... but I was adrift in my own thoughts and actions, as if being dragged in by an inexorable tide, and it wasn't working. Nothing was. Change happens, but real change has to be found. Sometimes... you even have to seek it out and make it submit to your will, heh.

    I left, until I found what I was looking for.

    I left, until I found myself.

    Now that I'm found, Mielikki has granted me more freedom with her gift, and a whisper of secrets to be found, in my ear. I will seek them too... right after I take care of someone more important.

    Tindra, I'm coming to find you. Lorelai, I am home. It's time to work again. It's time to live._


  • _There. I told the girls. Their number has grown some… it seems like an official group to me at this point. "The Girls." It's adorable really, and heartening. Fadia, Lorelai, Rith. They're practically sisters, best of friends, and thick as thieves when they get to talking all secretively.

    At least I know they'll be in good hands. Each other's. Meanwhile, I'm on my way to Cormanthyr. With my methods of travel... Brendel is leaving in a week. I don't know how long it will take him to get there. It'll take me nearly no time at all... if things go as planned. If I can get in, be seen, make a plan, pull off something only slightly crazy, and do some good, then I can get out before he gets back. I'm not sure I want to see them together just yet. I'm still trying to convince myself that I wasn't played for a fool.

    Mielikki, watch over my girls while I am away, even if you need to take your eyes from me for a little while. I'll do my best not to meet you in the fugue. Promise._


  • _Home is where the heart is. I've heard this, and somewhat agree. The woods are home. The den is home. The glen is home. Lorelai is home. Hell, to an extent, even stupid Ronan and Aelthas are home. Rith, Fadia, Vash't, Rasuil … and yes, even that dumb fucking badger. I don't know why I'm mad at -him- really...

    There's so much I have invested here, and in each of these people, that even when I feel betrayed, or lost, or am reacting badly to something, they're here. Words with a helpful intent are still meant to be helpful I think... even if they fail miserably.

    Why am I taking things so badly lately?

    I've never been one for introspection, except here, in this journal. Reading back, though... I can't really find a particular reason that I've been losing my temper, losing my cool, losing control of my emotions and jumping forward to conclusions...

    Alright, I know why I'm mad at Badger-bastard. Because I'm a paranoid git, and all those little tea-parties I came home to between him and Feather, apparently built up something there ... and I wasn't enough for her.

    I don't know how Lorelai puts up with it, other than the fact that she's known me for so long, and we've always had that, unspoken understanding? I don't know how to put it, really. She doesn't suspect anything when I'm gone for a couple days, doesn't hold it against me when I have to leave in the middle of the night because the sounds of the woods grew quiet, and made me have to go check on them.

    I'm not saying Feather did... but if I'm trying to be rational and understanding, then she may have chosen someone else because she didn't want to take me from this land. From these people. From my duties, and what I've built up around me.

    This is getting difficult to write again. I think it's best that I get back to bed. I just didn't want this haunting my dreams, too. Jynai, I'm giving you and Badger the benefit of the doubt in my own mind, simply because I'd be angry as hell any other way.

    Back to letting people believe everything is fine._


  • This entry is written in black, that looks like coal dust was used to make the ink, as if his usual materials were not on hand.

    _I had to get away to write… and left my damned ink at home. Somehow, the color is fitting here, though. Blue would feel... false.

    It's almost funny how the ghosts of my past keep coming back to haunt me. Lillia. The vampiress who got an amulet of Lathander... from Kara of all people, and I don't know why she got it. Probably brought Kara information, or something else of value from Peltarch. Quintin, the necromancer who killed a whole score of men, saying it was a "Gift to me" for something, and once again wanting information I will risk my own life to keep. Feather ... apparently just as dangerous as the last two. Who'd have thought.

    Brendel approached me once I figured out he needed some time to speak, so I shooed away the girls, who were busy being girls, and asked him what he needed. Apparently ... he needed to get something off his chest. He had made mention of Feather and Cormanthyr once before... just before or after we regenerated the hand that Dwin lopped off. Needless to say, we were easily distracted from the topic at hand. Oh, that would be a terrible pun if I'd meant to write that.

    I left it at that, til yesterday. We were on the archer tower, and he told me that he and Feather were ... he hesitated, and for the first time in a long time, I got a familiar chill down my spine. A little reminder of the day I woke up to find her gone from the bed, her pack gone, her things gone from the trunk, and a note.

    He said that they were together, and I had to ask. I only managed a single word.

    "Explain."

    Working together? Was he helping her in Cormanthyr against her tyrant murderous brother? Or togther as in... carnally? Like laying with her?

    He replied with both... "Like a man and a woman yes, and helping, though only in what parts I may."

    Fire, then ice water. I felt my blood pump hard, then stillness, and I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hit him so hard he left the tower and broke his body on the wall.

    Calm. I had to calm. I think the only thing I was able to say was to ask, "How long."

    "The fark you mean how long?"

    "HOW LONG!?" I rememeber shouting then, and vaguely recalling the surprise of the others around us.

    "How long did I wait, wondering what in the HELLS happened to her? Wondering WHY she left and didn't let me come, refused my help, how long before she shacked up with YOU!?"

    "It wasn't a farking -plan- Jerrick!"

    Not a plan? So he magically got asked to Cormanthyr to help, while I was left in the dark? He had the nerve to ask how I was in the dark about it, and Eluriel stuck her high-and-mighty nose into it, saying we might like to move it elsewhere unless we want everyone to know our business.

    At this point, clearly I didn't know a damned thing anyway, so I ignored her. It's been easy to ignore her since the day she walked off on me, and several attempts to be nice to her, or speak to her, to reconnect with my mentor and friend from all those years ago, have fallen flat or been ignored completely.

    I lowered my voice, and only now realize that at this point, I had his cloak collar in my fist, and him backed against the post. I hissed at him, "Well aprdon me for wondering why the whoman who I loved left, and didn't invite me to help... but apparently asked -you- instead, and that making me a little jealous and upset. "

    "Then to find out, that you're -with- her? It seems a little suspect, if you get my drift. AND , to get this SHIT from my so-called friends, for moving on after she wrote a cute little letter of consent? her approval?"

    Brendel finally spoke back. "Don't you dare suggest that... shit from...."

    "No?"

    "Just who the fark are you mad at?" he asked accusingly.

    I finally let him go, and he took a moment to think, and swore.

    "Fark... I guess it does seem kinda... bad."

    "YES, it farkin' does. " He at least had the grace to blush. "Thanks for telling me, Brendel."

    He looked less like a trapped animal for a moment, and spoke once more. "Sorry I didn't see it that way."

    I guess I wasn't done, my mouth started in again without me. "Terribly sorry I'm an insensitive bastard who figured you were somehow involved with my previous lover before she left, since you ended up there with her when she didn't even tell me half of what's going on."

    That made him mad again. "Dammit, Given your penchant for overrreacting, I'm not sure I blame her!"

    "Oh, I've got your overreacting. " was all I could say. Now, I was going to pummel the little shit. I clenched a fist, and spoke instead. "I'll tell you what, Brendel." Lorelai tugged at my cloak. Eluriel spouted something haughty with the others below. I merely continued.

    "You have a couple fiances leave, vanish, or be killed, THEN you can talk to me about overreacting, bastard. Pardon me for giving a shit!"

    "That's not quite what I meant." he muttered. I barely grunted at him, I am still not sure I believe it. "But point taken." he conceded.

    "Anything else to open my eyes to? " he had nothing, and bowed formally. It felt mocking, and I did my best to return it.

    "This isn't quite what I expected. I am sorry to see it affect you so." he tells me, so I dismissed him before I affected HIM.

    "Then leave, before I do something else to make myself look bad. Please... " and I couldn't help but add my spite to the dismissal. "And I wish you two whatever happiness I couldn't bring her."

    Truthfully, I do. I just ... I guess I'm getting awfully sick of being reminded of how very expendable I am. Friends for years think me untrustworthy with the hearts of others, and don't take a moment to see that I've just been wrong. Hasty, wrong, overly hopeful, call it what I want, it really has no way to properly describe it.

    I looked for happiness in all the wrong places, while my 'soul mate' has been here all along, and even now, she tracked me down and talked to me. I'm sure she's right. I don't need to fear her leaving like the others. Is it because she's been here all along, and we never realized it for all those years?

    I'm not overthinking it anymore. I'm just going to get frustrated, and resent Feather for something she probably didn't intent. Same for Brendel.

    I really need to quit thinking this thought, but since the day I was pushed from that tree-top bridge, the example has shown itself time and time again. I don't think I ever will be able to understand how elves view the rest of us. I think I know a little more from experience now though. Great, just what I always wanted. Another reason.

    Rest easy Feather, wherever you are. I hope Brendel never does tell you how the news took me. I don't want you remembering me like this. I'd rather you thought I never heard about it, and went on remembering you as someone who would truly need me like you claimed.

    At least I know the meaning of soul-mate now. Gods am I ever a fool._


  • _I am NOT qualified to give relationship advice. Or even generic casual love-life advice. The sooner people realize this, the better. Yes, I can occasional dish out some helpful nuggest of golden information. The rest of the time? Giving relationship advice is tossing the dice every time, at best, even with the best advice and best intentions.

    I finally give in and offer what I thought to be good advice, and make it halfway through… something to the tune of ;

    "I think you should do with your life, whatever makes you happiest at the mome-" and I'm cut off. When I say cut, I mean literally, because it may as well have been a knife. It even looks as dramatic on paper as it sounds in my head, but dammit, how else should I feel when she says

    "Don't continue. You'll hurt me. "

    Prove Ronan right, huh? Just with someone other than Tindra?

    Little did I know being kind and trying to keep my meddling hands out of things for once, and explain that those decisions are best left to her, is more apt to hurt her.

    Fucking... ridiculous.

    First Eluriel, now Rith?

    Who else will I manage to alienate with my good intentions?_