Journal of Aelthas Benthur
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A Father's Death
_It has been nine years since he died, I feel lost without him. I hope he is well and watching.. I know he is watching. I remember crying on his grave, I wonder if he would think that I was being weak. I can't help it though, I still cry myself to sleep some times, I miss him so much, I want him back with me, we could have times like we used to.
When father and aunt Nicahh took me out into the woods, to sit near the dryad tree.. or took me to swim at the Shrine to Lathander. I miss times like that.. not a care in the world, just smiling and laughing, watching him and aunt Nicahh play in the water, splashing each other, then tossing me in the water with a laugh.
I love aunt Nicahh.. I always wished if father found another wife, it would be her. She makes a good mother, her smile makes me feel good even on the worst days._
Strength of Spirit
_Selune guides me, she walks my path with me. I must be strong, I am the man of the family now, I am responsible for caring for my mother now that dad is gone. I don't think I'm ready.. I grew up to fast.. mother always said so. She would never let me touch a sword, saying I needed to be a child before I could be a warrior.
Maybe she was right, maybe I have grown up to fast, maybe I missed out on the things I should have done as a child.. but what choice did I have? Father gone, mother all alone, no one to care for the family.. a child who needs to act like a man. I try.. my mind wanders at times. The child in me.. must force him out. Duty to my family is more important._
JoBobsven
::this particular entry is circled, marking it as important::
_Jo.. my friend always.. I watch her work her magic, or try to, she burns herself more than she burns anything else. It makes me smile, seeing the dedication she has to her studies.. not many do.
I always though we would marry.. even when I was young, we were always together after she came to the sisterhood. Inseperable, we caused alot of trouble.. stole alot of aunt Nydas cookies. Good days.. all gone.. disappeared in the mist of time.
I do love her though and always will.. maybe I was afraid to say that to her and now I will never get the chance most likely. I tried when I made her dinner and we had some wine in mom's tent, where we kissed for the first time. It was great, yet confusion began to set in after.. life never goes the way you want it to.
I still dream of her to this day.. love never happened, never will.. but it doesnt change that I do love her.
"Wortacha"_
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Meditation
_Aunt Nyda has been showing me to control my anger. She shows me how to meditate, to focus my mind, to learn to hold the anger in until I wish it released.. to better myself by understanding the anger.. to use it to my advantage in a fight.
Had a bad fight with mom in the middle of Jiyyd, many people watched.. she lost control.. the beast coming out.. even she struggles.. makes me wonder if I coud do it. I want to try.. I believe I can.. a path to walk when it comes.
Aunt Nyda told me she wont train me anymore.. it doesnt matter.. no one will understand me, no one can. Just as I cannot understand anyne else really.. we are all different.. always will be. Should go say sorry to mom.. I hate seeing her hurt.. but she just gets to me at times.. time to let the kitten leave the den.. it happens to all.
She won't let me go._
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Training begins
_My sword.. only padded. My newest friend, the only one that will never make me hurt emotionally. The only thing that I know I can trust for all my life, so long as I treat it well.
Thrust, parry, shield up.. swing out.. jab down. Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat. It goes on and on, perfection can never be obtained, but perfection will be sought.. I must train everyday. I will show dad his teachings weren't for nothing.
Forever my mentor, forever my father.. forever missed. I will make you proud dad. I will surpass your skill with a sword, it is my destiny.. your spirit helps guide me._
Gifts
_Aunt Nicahh did something bad.. or at least it will be bad when mom finds out. She thinks I'm ready to be a warrior, she gave me an axe, shield and armor. It isn't a hand and a half, but any weapon can be just as good and training with all weapons offers a more broad knowledge of tactics and uses.
She looked proud watching me, she told me dad would be proud of me. I can never repay aunt Nicahh for what she does for me, I will try though. She loves me as much as mother or father, I know she does. I love her like she was my mother, dad loved her more than he should have maybe.. I can see why he did.
People say bad things about her.. it doesn't matter though, she is my guardian angel._
Warm Welcome
_Went to Jiyyd for the first time.. by myself.. all grown up. The smiles as I walked in, Uncle Grag, Aunt Lyte.. they all say I'm still the little boy that used to run around the legion hall. Little? That made me laugh, I know what they meant by it, but the only thing I could think of, was how someone could be sixteen summers and be considered little, standing over six foot tall.
Alot of non-legion people are nice to me, they knew dad.. I got to meet Kara for the first time in years. She is pretty and nice. Most seem willing to give me a chance, treat me as my own person, others just call me Rolan Junior .. not sure why that bothers me so much.. maybe it's just me wanting to be me, not being someone else in others minds.
I am Aelthas Benthur, -son- of Rolan Benthur, I am my own man. People will see in time. I will show them that I believe my father was good with a sword, yet I will be better. Confidence in myself, I know I am destined for things, greater than my father. Although I cannot say what yet._
Fighting the Anger
_It builds inside of me, the raw power if it is hard to contain at times. I lose myself to it.. to often for my liking.. I've always suppressed it as best I could.. but sooner or later, it always wins.. it comes out and any around me are the ones who pay for it.
I stay in the werewolf cave often.. beasts I can relate to.. lost themselves to the anger of the wolf.. to the basic instincts of life.. hunt, survive.. by any means necessary. They comfort me, although some times they attack me.. I don't hold it against them. They can't control themselves most times.. I know the feeling.
I want to be like them.. to run free.. hunt and kill.. not hold back. Maybe my destiny, maybe not. We will see in time._
