Keira's Journal
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He’s back to his old self again. Talking about challenging to be Chief of the Featherflights. Interesting. Maybe he’ll unite the old Nars tribes, and then what? Stripped of their traditional little battles between each other, what will the tribes turn their eyes to? People who mark their honour by fighting will be bored by peace. And if the tribes are united – they will fight. Maybe as hard as these orcs who claim Tempus as their god will fight.
He says we fight well together. He sings praise to Loviatar, sometimes now, after being hurt. He reminds me of Sy’wyn sometimes. So hard, when needs be. So easy for him to decide that something is necessary. He told me a story about a woman and a man who did something together, something the Tribe didn’t approve of, something that killed another tribesman. The judgement of the Tribe found that she had only chosen poorly, in following the man, but he had done great wrong and was bound in elegant service to the tribe for his action. Just a story, but maybe too close to what happened. Maybe this is all part of the test, part of the punishment. Knowing that, it’s easier to endure.
He says we fight well together, links it in words to dancing, to physical love. In his eyes, maybe. It’s so much better at night, I can let her move me and that’s what I think he likes. It’s not dancing, not love. I’m incapable of that, they say. I don’t need love. You don’t need love to stand near someone and kill things that threaten them. He said he loves me, but he lies. He just wants to see me near, believe that I choose to be near him.
He said she loves me, but he lies. He just doesn’t understand what she does, how she works her way around people. She just likes having me around, does what she does so that people see. It’s what she wants them to see. And when we’re alone? When she draws me to her bed again. She knows she doesn’t have to be like that still, not for me. Another test. What she wants is someone there, without conditions, without demands. So few seem to offer her that, it always sours, every time I’ve seen her seem happy. It would be wrong to hope that this one will be different.
She tests me. And if I fail, and begin to enjoy it, or expect it, or cling, or demand then she’ll cast me aside like all the others. It feels so much worse at night. She’s warm, she smells good.
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J admitted he's using me. Better to have that understood. A relief. He just wants me for what he thinks he can learn from me. This is good. I watched him die. Old, weak, wheezing at the pains in his chest. Worn out by his little life. That's the strength of the Dragon, of the Nars. Doesn't know when to accept that something is lost. It won't matter. It'll find him in the end.
I let him beat me for a while. Couldn't resist darting a few blows at the more obvious openings, though. Can't believe he's a warrior sometimes. He overswings unarmed, the big movements of an axeman, rather than the more direct thrusts that would be better. Unwillingness to change, to adapt. Fixed in the old ways. Next time I might tie my hands, make it fairer.
Maybe the challenger will win. J thought I might raise him, if he died. Such a fool. Was it me, that brought the strain on his heart? Was it time? It doesn't matter. When he's recovered I can try again. She likes to play with him, I can feel her inside me. She's braver, less guarded. Like an itch between my shoulders, straining. She doesn't like the writing. A waste of good hunting time.
Yuna says she's having visions in reverie. Of wolves, of hunting. A beast teaching her. Is she that wise, to see it? Unsure. Better to let her find out in time. As long as Y doesn't kill her first. We help our Sisters. We help our Sisters along their paths, not driving them down our own. If her path is to the Huntmaster, that's not bad in itself. Just one that Y would have to oppose as one of Selune's. Why did she tell about the dreams?
Young, stupid, like I was. Like I am. Hoping that someone would understand, maybe guide her. But they shout and try to cast her out. Time to get out change. Hope no-one steals the clothes this time, might hide 2 sets.
