Deep Under Oscura...
-
_A large, sack o' tatties figure slumped in her cell in the Duergar compound, more filthy than ever, quite bedraggled with dried blood, floor-muck and more when she spilled her gruel all over her cloak. Shouting bursts of abuse at passing duergar for every form of maltreatment… what follows is a precis of 'Mercy's Meditations'. Copies may be purchased from any disreputable bookshop.
"An' I said to her, I says "What in feck's name is'ee doin', bitch face?" "Me" says she, so I says, wi' a wanion, "Aye ye, ye dribblin' mince-worryin stovie-faced, kipper-coloured, custard-wearing, false-swearin'-mink-wearin, lug-lobed, eight-toed, tit-squit, bald-bint, hat-squashin', bed-hoppin', cat-loppin, meth drinkin', rabbit-fondlin', weak-watered, gibbet-crewed, long-legged, lopsided, birch-baiting, dwarf-hatin', plimsole wearin', flimsy armed, beardless, fearful, luckless, feckless, rum buggery, gimlet-eyed, sun-sodden, wank-willy I 'er had the misfortune tae set me own beady e'en on! Argh! Well, as'ee can imagine, that set'r gas at a peep.
"Ye callin' me a dribblin' mince-worryin stovie-faced, kipper-coloured, custard-wearing, false-swearin'-mink-wearin, lug-lobed, eight-toed, tit-squit, bald-bint, hat-squashin', bed-hoppin', cat-loppin, meth drinkin', rabbit-fondlin', weak-watered, gibbet-crewed, long-legged, lopsided, birch-baiting, dwarf-hatin', plimsole wearin', flimsy armed, beardless, fearful, luckless, feckless, rum buggery, gimlet-eyed, sun-sodden, wank-willy?" she asked, the daft bitch.
"Aye!" said I, "ye are a dribblin' mince-worryin stovie-faced, kipper-coloured, custard-wearing, false-swearin'-mink-wearin, lug-lobed, eight-toed, tit-squit, bald-bint, hat-squashin', bed-hoppin', cat-loppin, meth drinkin', rabbit-fondlin', weak-watered, gibbet-crewed, long-legged, lopsided, birch-baiting, dwarf-hatin', plimsole wearin', flimsy armed, beardless, fearful, luckless, feckless, rum buggery, gimlet-eyed, sun-sodden, wank-willy"
Well, if I'm a dribblin' mince-worryin stovie-faced, kipper-coloured, custard-wearing, false-swearin'-mink-wearin, lug-lobed, eight-toed, tit-squit, bald-bint, hat-squashin', bed-hoppin', cat-loppin, meth drinkin', rabbit-fondlin', weak-watered, gibbet-crewed, long-legged, lopsided, birch-baiting, dwarf-hatin', plimsole wearin', flimsy armed, beardless, fearful, luckless, feckless, rum buggery, gimlet-eyed, sun-sodden, wank-willy, then yer a namby-pamby, tod-tottin', bambie-buggerin', sheep-shaggin', elf-lookin', beard-shavin', hin-touchin', gormless, gutless, spineless, earless, legless, eyeless, noseless, faceless, armless, sun-stroked, lazy, sheep savager that e'er set foot on the briney ol' Ocean Deep!
"Oh yeah!" "Yeah!" "I know ye are but what am I?" Har har! Aye, that' split her barque quick enough. "Shut it!" "No ye shut it!" "No ye!" "Ye!"
Argh well, ye ken what passed then, cully, wi' a wanion an' that. I done gut flipped me gibbet screw, an' jury rigged as she lay, copped me sliicer in the birthin' pouch, an' went on the blob a week or two early, the rum silk-sodden strumpet she be, says I, wi' a curse, damme fer Umberlee's aunty Elsie else! Argh... where was I... aye... well, after the cow was keel hauled proper, says I, I drew me aside a bottle, an' sang'ee an' ol' sea-shanty favourite o' mine, wi' a curse. It does:
"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, and loot,
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot,
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We extort, we pilfer, we filch, and sack,
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.
Maraud and embezzle, and even high-jack,
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We kindle and char, inflame and ignite,
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.
We burn up the city, we're really a fright,
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.We're rascals, scoundrels, villans, and knaves,
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.
We're devils and black sheep, really bad eggs,
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho. "Beltches Enjoy that cullies, har har, wi' a curse? Once more, says I!
And so it continues, long-long into the night, punctuated by her metal cup rattling down the line of bars on her cage...._
-
In other news, the suicide rates amongst duergar have once again stabilized. The hopes of many, that the whole tribe would kill themselves, have been smashed. Certain people even suggest giving Mercy back.
-
The rocks may resound with the memory, and certain duergar may regret the songs which now nag in their minds, but the air below is clearer. Mercy is gone!
