Diary of Old Scars
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Who is this woman that I look so much like? Lilly, that is my name, but it was hers too. Am I her, or am I me? People tell me confusing things, Jerr thinks I am her, he is a sweet man. He confuses me though, he is wise, and he flirts with me, then tells me his wife would probably cut me in two if she knew. More surprising, he tells me he learned to tease from me..was I a tease? It doesn't matter, literally a lifetime ago, even if it might not be my life.
Jerr told me, that I..that Lilly was a hero. That is how I know I can't be her. She fought in wars, my hands tremble at the thought of killing orcs. She helped destroy crystals that almost enslaved the whole region, I'm scared of a half orc who told me I was in his seat. I'm not a hero..but Jerr said Lilly said that too..I hate being confused.
Drelan is my guardian angel for now, without him, I'd be lost. I don't like being alone, but i'm sure if he even likes me. He says he's my brother, but he treats me like a guard watching a prisoner..only he doesn't ever stop me from doing anything. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm sure Lilly hurt him somehow in the past, people don't treat family like that. He says I could be that person again, but do I want to be her? Not many people seem happy to see me, a hafling told me to go kill myself..but I don't want to..I just want to know who I am.
There are many scars on my body, I bear her scars, yet she kept the memories within them. Four scars cross on my left palm, four sisters, Drelan said. A single scar on my right palm, a brother, Drelan..is that why he hates me? A scar on my stomach, and one on my lower back, I'm not sure where those came from..I don't think I want to hear the story either. Then the last scar, the one around my neck. I hate it, it's ugly. I wear a scarf to hide it, but people will see it, and they'll know. The fools will think me a criminal, the rest a vengeful spirit. I'm neither, I'm not anything.
Drelan showed me where I used to live, and it was very pretty. I can't believe I used to sleep in such a big bed, all by myself. I don't like sleeping alone though, so Drelan bought me a doll to sleep with. I hope I can live their again, I can be a good bard, I know I can if I try.
What worries me most, is this husband I am supposed to have. Drelan hates him, I don't think this Mirkali is a good person if Drelan hates him. Drelan told me that Mirkali was a demon now, but who else but a bad person would be a demon? Maybe that's why I was hung, Mirkali tried to make his wife do something awful. I still want to know more, I will know more..if I'm going to be me, I have to know who Lilly was first. People expect me to be her, but I think they'll only be dissappointed.
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Something strange happened today, I met the woman named Ocean, and she almost acted as if she hated me. Every question was met with a cold remark, and she told me I shouldn't be here, because Lilly was happy dead. Whether this is true or not, I don't know, but if her hatred of me is enough to tell, she loved Lilly very much.
Strangely, her and Eowiel fought over me. Eowiel berating her because she wasn't happy to see me. Ocean nearly left in a boat because of it, I hope she doesn't. I don't want to cause trouble, I just want to know who I am, what I'm supposed to be, and why I'm here.
Then, the really strange part happened. I was sitting outside the college, why I'm unsure, but Ocean came back. She sat, and we talked for a few moments. She wasn't much more helpful, but was rather cold to me. Still, I felt a connection to her, she is important, I know she is. My dream told me she was, and her eyes..her eyes are so familiar, I don't know why I didn't notice them when she was playing in the commons. More so than that though, I felt an anger boiling in me. I've never felt it before, a simmering rage just beneath the surface, yet it was more than anger.
Could this rage be something important? I suppressed it, I was scared, but..I felt as if I should have screamed at her. Screamed, "I am Lilly Laer" but now I wonder why I felt that? What I have to wonder, was if it was me that wanted to scream it, or Lilly Laer.
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In some ways, the confusion is slowly making way to sense, in all others the confusion only worsens. I have memories now, some, Clandra used a spell, and I remember the times that she remembers of me, of Lilly. Whether I'm taking steps to becoming that person again, or am just usurping the person she was I'm still not sure. I have memories now, but they are memories from someone else's eyes. Regardless, I feel apart of me has been awakened, undoubtedly a sexual side, the side that regarded Sharess with such high esteem. Perhaps, not the greatest aspect to remember, but it is a start.
I've met many people who I used to know, a hin named Atel, who seemed quite upset that I didn't remember her. I felt horrible, but we are friends now, again. She is a nice person, I hope I can spend more time with her. I always met a large half orc named General Grag, he was certainly an odd person. Built strongly, an obvious fighter, perhaps how he rose to the position of General; from what he said, I used to get naked and tease him a lot, from the memories Clandra gave me, and from the reactions of most, this seems something I did fairly commonly.
Hedia! I remembered Hedia, she is the first person whom I've not had to ask their name. She's a sweetheart, a priestess of Sharess, and a friend. I think we'll be close through the coming days.
I met two of my sisters, Penny being the first. She has pink hair like me, but she's a very odd person. People have told me, that we were the best of friends, now that I have some idea of who Lilly was, I believe it. She seems nice, even if she thinks that she's part dragon, but people here are weird anyways, myself not excluded.
Fadia, I met Fadia as my second sister. She was nice, warm and compassionate. She didn't care that I didn't have memories, she was simply happy to see me. Her and her husband talked to me some, they told me some about this woman named Ocean. It seems Drelan wasn't telling me the whole truth, we weren't "old friends" as he put it, we were lovers, we were engaged.
Fadia's husband is a strange man, he intrigues me. At first, I thought him callous and an arse, but now he seems wise and friendly. I'm not sure what to think, but he understands what it is I'm going through. He told me what I've thought all along, that I'm not Lilly since I don't have her life experience, and he wondered what does happen to the real Lilly if I become a different person. Will she simply dissappear as if she never existed?
Keira, another strange person. A pale elven woman, she was blunt, and I thank her for it. She said that she knew Lilly, and I think she could help me work through my troubles now. I hope I can talk with her again. I'll see her again I think, Nicahh has been really kind to me, and I told her I would guard the house for her. I hope I can talk with Nicahh again too, she has told me a lot about myself, despite saying she knew little.
There is little more to write here I imagine, at least for now. I have memories, but they aren't through my eyes, I still bear scars, internal ones now too. I know of how Lilly once lost a child. I can see Mirkali's face now through Clandra's eyes. Eowiel has accepted me back into the college. All..is going well, despite the hardships I perceive.