Nicahh - The Scattered Pages
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_Well, I did something stupid. Like really stupid. Like sacrifice your life stupid. Like sacrifice your life over another person, stupid. Like sacrifice your life over a -boy-, stupid.
Alright, actually, a man.
Thats right, I just stood there. I stepped right inbetween this silly elf that I can't get my mind off of, and the biggest bugbear I've ever seen. I just stood there, with my little bow, drawn back, like I was a real threat. "Take that!" I thought, as my little arrow bounced off his armor. Then, "oh crap" I thought as his axe came down on me. Also, "why did you do that?", came to my mind. Though, I may have said that one out loud.
Needless to say, I disgust myself. The lack of planning, that lack of coherent thought. Seems to be a common thing with me now. Wish it wasn't. Not strong enough to change it. I find myself smiling like an idiot, giggling like fool. Even death did not change that. Within hours of coming back to this plane, within hours of having been a lifeless body, I was laying beside him… and we were laughing, and we were smiling, and I was... happy. I even believed -we- were happy.
It does not seem right, it does not seem real. Must not be. There has to be some twist, some turn in the road, some danger I just can't percieve. It is out there, it is waiting, hiding in a shadow. She is watching, She is waiting. Even the loss of life did not cut me deep enough. She will send something that will. I know it. I feel it._
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The death of her shadow….
_"Nicahh…Mali is not well." Aelhaearn softly whispered in elvish as the crimson haired woman rolled over waking from her slumber. "Her breathing is more labored than ever, perhaps it is time to let her go."
Her eyes fluttered open, slowly focusing upon the old gray panther that lay at the foot of the bed. Aelhaearn had spent the night at the Sisterhood; him curled around the comparatively tiny woman as she slept, Mali occasionally giving him a weary eye before drifting off to sleep herself. Sometime in the night, Mali had awoken, her breathing shallow and labored, Aelhaearn keeping an eye upon her, knowing how much the woman he had grown to adore, loved the old cat.
Instant tears welled up in her eyes as she looked down the length of the bed, gazing at her faithful friend. Mali had walked in the shadows at her side for going on twenty-five years. She had found her outside of Peltarch only a few days after the birth of her son, the small kitten wounded and helpless as the other great cats that lived upon the plains had sought out to kill her. Nicahh had simply thought her a cute kitten, had never imaged she'd find a friend in a furry beast.
"You will still help me?" She said to Aelhaearn, knowing the answer in advance, but at a loss for anything else to say. He simply nodded, reaching over wiping away a thick tear as it made its way down her cheek. They had known the time was coming and she had shown Aelhaearn where to take Mali when the panther was ready to move on to her next life. Wasting no time, she threw a robe over herself, while Aelhaearn gently scooped up the grayed beast in his arms. She did not fight him, she did not move really, except to place her head upon his shoulder as he made his way downstairs.
Walking towards the double doors that lead out of the house, little eyes peeked from around the columns within the Sisterhood. Everyone in the house had known the cat’s time was nearing an end soon. Seeing Mali carried out of the house only confirmed that the vibrant cat, which had worked within the walls of the Sisterhood to amuse and protect the children, would not be entering the house again. The shadow that stalked after everyone, the creature that’s loyalty had grown to watch over everything that Nicahh held precious, was fading away, just as the sun was high in the sky overhead.
Nicahh could feel the eyes upon her as the Sisterhood children whispered softly to the closest adult, "Can we go with them?", motioning at Nicahh and Aelhaearn. She simply stopped, mid step, turning to face the small line of kids that had gathered as the great cat was being carried out. "Not this time, guys." She had said, unable to slip on the mask that she so often wore, hiding any proof of emotions. "But, you may say goodbye, if you wish." Aelhaearn stopped, squatting down to allow the little hands that timidly approached him, to slide over the old gray cats back, one final time. Nicahh looked over the little faces, some with tears in their eyes, as they too said goodbye to a friend. Mali gave a few gentle licks to some of their hands, before going limp in Ael's arms once again. The children understood what this meant, and simply backed up, holding the doors open for the two as they left with the cat.
The woods behind the Sisterhood were thick, near impassable to those not use to such, but neither Nicahh nor Aelhaearn had trouble navigating through them. It was not long before they came upon a small grassy clearing in the woods, the trees circling this strange little spot. Nicahh had found the spot years ago while on a walk in the woods with Mali. She had often wondered why no trees grew in the clearing, yet also feared entering it incase it meant something to somebody. By the end of the day, if it had not had a purpose, it would now. It would be the resting place of a creature she had held so dear.
Aelhaearn had stepped into the tall grass, her losing sight of him for a few moments as she realized he was being cautious entering the circle. He too must have felt something strange about the area. Laying Mali down near the center of the clearing, he had turned to her, his voice soft and kind. “I will gladly stay at your side, or I will give you privacy, you need only tell me.”
“I…will be fine.” She said, not really answering his question, but them both understanding her meaning. He ran his hand down her arm, gently squeezing her hand before stepping back into the deep woods that surrounded them. She knew he was still near, but that he was not watching. He would give her the needed space, let her grieve in private, but be close enough that if she called, he would come. Lilin, however, would watch. She had heard the soft footsteps of the tigon as she had followed Nicahh and Aelhaearn into the deep woods. She would stay watching, then bless Mali once she had passed, hoping to see her again when she herself passed on to her next life, serving her time beside Bast.
Sliding down beside Mali, Nicahh silently cursed herself for not asking for Fenmarel to grant her the blessing to speak with the animals that day. Lying down, she closed her eyes, feeling the wind blow across her face as she gently stroked the old cats back. Mali’s breathing grew shallower with each passing of her hand as the old gray cat seemed to sink further upon the ground. Finally, her last breath escaped her. As if the woods had felt her grief, silence surrounded her, the only noise was a stream off in the distance, and Lilin, as she heard her shift slightly, pinning her ears back to her head. The one creature, the one friend, that’s loyalty had never been a question, was now gone. Overwhelming sadness washed over the crimson haired woman, as she lay in the clearing, unable to keep from crying. She was alone, truly alone. Her shadow was gone._
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_I'm not liking this… I'm getting cozy again. Smiling, laughing, enjoying life way too much. It always scares me when this happens. I know, it is only a matter of time before it all falls apart again. Now, I just wait. It will come, it always does.
I guess part of it is already coming. Milshot is sick. I don't mean like little sick, but like out of his head sick, or so I've heard. I know he is not well, he has refused to see me upon several occasions now. That is not the Milshot I know. He would never refuse me... Lilin has agreed that once he is to the Sisterhood, she will asks for Basts blessing to help restore his mind. She seems to think this will work, I don't know.
I also don't know how to handle a full grown man that is not well. I can tend to injuries, I can tend to children crying... but tending to hurt, or loss, or confusion is not my strong point. I've always had to find someone else to pawn such onto. When Keira was not well, I took her to Sy'wyn... When Drelan was upset, I sent Nyda to him, when Nyda was ill, the whole Sisterhood watched over her. I don't have it in me to see people hurting, I just don't know how to deal with such. But, Milshot would want no one else but me to take care of him, this I know. I just don't know if I can.
Secondly, I am highly concerned that if Lucid believes him a danger to Norwick, why in the world would he send him to a house full of kids? Perhaps I'll just keep him at my side, if he is up for traveling. Some quiet time in Oscura may do him well. He seemed to enjoy staying at the house with me in times past, though there was not another man in my life to draw my attention from him. Oh well, we shall see how things turn out.
If worst comes to worst, I just take a vacation from everything and see him back to health or ... I do something I'd rather not say here._
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((I couldn't resist, I hope its okay to post here Nilla
))As Lilin landed softly out in the snow, she turned and checked the window again for any passer-bys. She stripped down to simple tattered clothes and tossed her robe back in the window and pushed down the sash, pausing to check and make sure it looked closed but that she could still push it up easily. She checked around, before stepping into the woods behind the house. She knelt in prayer to Bast, thanking her for the many happinesses she had given Lilin that day, and for a safe night. As the sun set, and the moon rose, she prepared for a hunt.
–-------------------
She stopped, and tipped her head back, breathing in the night air, stopping to lick her muzzle before creeping along the base of the trees, smooth and low like black silk across glass. Lilin saw her prize, alone, nearby, the shadows of its antlers casting ghosts across the ground in the light of Selune. She moved behind it, its scent heavy on her nostrils as it ate, unaware of her. She stopped. He stopped. In a moment she gather momentum and dived on top of him, a streak of black fur and yellow stripes, razor claws digging into his side and flipping him over smoothly. She moved fast to his neck, biting down and holding, the odor of his blood dancing around her as the animal waited for him to stop fighting back. When he did, she dragged him to a safe spot she had already chosen, and enjoyed her dinner.
She finished within the hour and stopped, cleaning the blood off herself throughly, watching the wood for hobgoblins and other ilk that sometimes came to interrupt, but none came. Lil moved back towards her home, and nudged the window open with her muzzle. She moved back and jumped inside, landing softly on the tiles in the storage room. She sniffed around and moved to the garden where she had made her bed for the night, but found the door locked and found it too difficult to return to normal to unlock it. Lilin moved back around to the storage room and tried the door that led up stairs, and finding it open, padded up the stairs.
Nyda wasn't home, Keira wasn't her favorite person, so Lilin moved up to Nicahh's door and started pawing at it. After about a half hour a tired and grumpy looking Nicahh opened the door and let her in, moving smoothly back to her bed after Lilin had come in. “I’m not getting dressed…” She grumbled as she rolled over on her side pulling the blanket back up over her before curling around the old gray cat that had been a companion of hers for years. Lilin hopped softly onto the bed, and flopped down beside her. “Just try not to shed on my bed too much…” Nicahh whispered before drifting back off to sleep, her sandwiched between her panther Mali, and the pretty blonde werecat. Lilin curled up tightly against her, the blankets separating their nudity, as she gave a gentle lick to the back of Nicahh’s neck and drifted off to sleep herself.
Lilin was dragged upstairs by the hand to the top of the Peltarch Arms Aparments. She looked at the person taking her, confused, lost, in a daze. She was quite certain that it was a dream but it seemed so real. They came out in the bright sunlight in the beautiful garden that decorated the top of the building, overlooking the whole city... it still looked dirty for some reason, and Lilin felt distant from them now. She looked at the person who had taken her here, and wanted to say something deeper, but all she could manage to say was “Why?” He gave her a funny look and shrugged, holding out his hand to her. She took it and he pulled her close, her back pressed against his chest. “Ael is doing well.” she whispered as he put his arms around her protectively, she placed her hand on his, took a deep breath, taking in the rich scent of roses, and then her mind wandered...
Two screams filled the room as both women jumped out of bed, scrambling to focus their minds and to grab the sheets to cover themselves.
“What are you doing here?!”
“Did you just grab my boob?!”
“I thought you were someone else!”
“I bet you did…LESBIAN!” Lilin screeched, scrambling to grab a blanket off the bed, her apparently having shifted back into her human form sometime during the night. The fight for the blankets continued on for another few minutes, before Nicahh gave in and dashed across the room, pulling her robe over her scarred body.
“I can’t believe you molested me…” Lilin huffed, dressing under the cover of the blanket.
“Well maybe if you did not crawl into my bed, I’d not have done it…” She muttered before letting her mind had completely wrapped around what Lilin had said…”I DID NOT MOLEST YOU!” She yelled back then. “I thought you were someone else and I was having this nice dream…and why did you put your hand on mine then put it on your boob… sounds like you’re the lesbian if you asked me!”
“So now you are dreaming about me?!”
“No!”
“Eww, Nicahh!”
“Get out, Lilin!”
“Oh, I’m leaving…”
“Then GO!”
Breakfast was awkward as the children looked between the two women, not for sure why they had been woken to their yelling that morning. Nicahh could not look at Lilin, and Lilin could not look at Nicahh for the longest time. Whispers spread throughout the Sisterhood that the two women were fighting, though when someone would ask what was wrong, they could only blush and walk away.
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((As I promised…hope you like it Losl....
))_“I’m not getting dressed…” She grumbled as she rolled over on her side pulling the blanket back up over her before curling around the old gray cat that had been a companion of hers for years. Lilin simply huffed, hopping gracefully upon the bed, her transformed into a werecat as the moonlight shined through the bedroom window. She had been pawing at Nicahh’s bedroom door for the last half hour before the crimson haired beauty had let her in.
“Just try not to shed on my bed too much…” Nicahh had whispered before drifting back off to sleep, her sandwiched between her panther Mali, and the pretty blonde werecat. Lilin curled up tightly against her, the blankets separating their nudity, as she gave a gentle lick to the back of Nicahh’s neck and drifted off to sleep herself.
–--------------------------------------------------
“Where are we going?” She softly whispered in elvish.
“To our destination.” The elven man had said without the least hint of sarcasm in his voice.
“Well I know that, but where is that?”
“You’ll see when we get there.” He replied before disappearing over the edge of the ridge, her having fallen behind as she gazed about the woods around them.
She had thought she had never been here, nor had she imagined such a place existed. The air around them was warm, hot even, with a humidity that made it feel as if the air could have been cut with a knife. It was a nice change from the weather in Narfell; that left the crimson haired woman chilled most of the time. As she rounded the ridge, she saw their destination off in the distance and suddenly, the land did not seem so unfamiliar. She was home.
Her eyes gazed to the woods around her and the luscious gardens that surrounded the tiny elven village she had grown up in. As she got closer and closer to home she could hear the songs, smells the fires, and feel the excitement in the air. He had brought her home in time for one of the many festivals they celebrated throughout the year. She had a feeling; this one was to honor Hanali as she stepped up taking the elven man’s hand, suddenly feeling a bit shy. Beautiful elven lasses in long flowing silk robes danced around the great fire in the center of the village as the men sat back watching, laughter and music filling the air completely. Young elven children ran all about, pausing to look at the half-blooded woman and her elven companion before letting a playful yell out and running to their parents.
“They won’t like me being here…” She whispered, as her lips brushed against his elven ear, him slightly shivering for a moment.
“Stop that…Anyways…you were here once and they accepted you, they will again.” He replied, his voice soft and soothing, a hint of a smile upon his lips from the light physical contact.
She could only nod, a soft smile coming to her lips as memories began to flood her mind. She knew these people. She may not know their names now, but their faces, their smiles, it all seemed familiar. Some even seemed to recognize her, even though she had only been a child when she had been taken from the village. In some ways, it was as is time had stood still, waiting for her to come home again. The village and people all looked the same, even the feeling of family washed over her as she tackled the man who had been her guide home. He stood, holding her, his arms wrapped firmly around her waist, as her head rested against his chest. As she took a deep breath in, she caught the scent of lavender and was slightly taken aback that such a manly elf would wear such a soft perfume…
–-------------------------------------------
The old cat just stood staring at her; giving her a strange look as she opened her eyes, the scent of lavedar filling the room. “What?” She hoarsely whispered to Mali as she blinked a few times trying to focus her view, though the warmth of the body lying next to hers, beckoned her to sleep on. She could not help but hug the man that had taken her home, no matter how short the visit, her hand gliding across his bare chest as her head rested on his shoulder. Then, she felt it, as a hand came up to gently rest upon hers.
Two screams filled the room as both women jumped out of bed, scrambling to focus their minds and to grab the sheets to cover themselves.
“What are you doing here?!”
“Did you just grab my boob?!”
“I thought you were someone else!”
“I bet you did…LESBIAN!” Lilin screeched, scrambling to grab a blanket off the bed, her apparently having shifted back into her human form sometime during the night. The fight for the blankets continued on for another few minutes, before Nicahh gave in and dashed across the room, pulling her robe over her scarred body.
“I can’t believe you molested me…” Lilin huffed, dressing under the cover of the blanket.
“Well maybe if you did not crawl into my bed, I’d not have done it…” She muttered before letting her mind had completely wrapped around what Lilin had said…”I DID NOT MOLEST YOU!” She yelled back then. “I thought you were someone else and I was having this nice dream…and why did you put your hand on mine then put it on your boob… sounds like you’re the lesbian if you asked me!”
“So now you are dreaming about me?!”
“No!”
“Eww, Nicahh!”
“Get out, Lilin!”
“Oh, I’m leaving…”
“Then GO!”
Breakfast was awkward as the children looked between the two women, not for sure why they had been woken to their yelling that morning. Nicahh could not look at Lilin, and Lilin could not look at Nicahh for the longest time. Whispers spread throughout the Sisterhood that the two women were fighting, though when someone would ask what was wrong, they could only blush and walk away._
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_I am told, happiness is a choice. We can choose to be happy. We can gather up all the crap in our lives and just smile and be happy, ignore the pain, ignore the sadness that lives within us… just ignore it all. I can just pretend like I was not fucked over by someone I very much love. I can pretend he did not leave me penniless. I can pretend that I did not really make future plans with him, that I had not based the rest of my life around his life. I can just ignore that all, and be smitten.
If William says happiness is a choice again, he will see how happy I can be when I rip his god damn throat out._
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_It seems as if a year has passed since I've wrote in this book. So much as changed, yet stayed the same underneath.
As I predicted, has happened. I discarded Milshot, as if he was nothing. Tiny pangs of guilt ran through me, but my desires to please myself runs deep and I followed my heart, if that is what you call it. Of course it was another man that turned my head. Charming, sweet, a warrior type. Strong, handsome, not the least bit submissive. On the contrary, I feel the submissive one. Quite new for me, but I'm quite loving it. I fear wearing him down, as I seem to be able to do with every man. But mainly, I fear losing him. I'm pretty sure I will, that I'm fighting a losing battle. He never said I won't, that scares me, yet, it makes me cling to him tighter. When he leaves, I'll be crushed. I'll just wait for Keira and Corde to swoop in on me, prey on the hurt and anger, the pain and frustration.
Wow, I have so much to look forward to.
In other news, I fear I may sprout horns or wings at any moment. Or maybe a tail, but I could think of some fun things to do with that. Well that is a bit over the top, but I am concerned for myself. A devil's blood is now within me, a bond I could not resist. Samadai, the most beautiful creature I think I've ever seen now lives with in me, kind of. I've always known I've been weaker of will, but this creature, this incubus, his voice was to my soul, as silk is to my skin. Soft and caressing, desireable.
By some twist of fate, he found me, dominated me. My mind was not my own, I'm told, though I remember every detail of everything I did. I remember the taste of my own blood, the touch of his hand and the trust in the child's eyes as he gazed up at me while I lead him to his death.
Shalah says she could not smell Samadai's blood within me, but I know it is there. I know the blood of the child he occupied is with in me, at least. Maybe that is why she can not detect it. Honestly, I do not understand exactly what happened, nor do I have a clue about what the repercussions will be.
I just know my family supports me, and I'm a lucky woman for having the Sisters around. I'd happily bleed myself to death had Nyda not asked for Selune's blessings to destroy the control over my mind. And Lilin, she has been great, letting me stay in camp with her, tending to me as if I am some fragile creature. I desired not to be alone, and I could not stand to see the children.
I do feel a bit selfish for all the attention, especially when she is suffering quite a loss in her life. Rolan has fallen, refused to return. After a fight will Lilin and Star he wandered out into the spider woods and took his life. I can only think what a selfish son of a bitch he is. How can you let such become of yourself, and let those that love you blame it upon themselves? I hope he burns in the hells for what he has done to them.
I suppose in time I'll forgive him, but the loss is too new, not quite real. Even Sy'wyn's passing still feels like a dream. I'm just waiting to see his form, in that damn tattered cloak, come lumbering from the woods. Then, I open my pack and I see the cloak, the one I now carry with me, and I know such is not possible. His path upon this plane had ended. That is damn near impossible for me to accept at times.
On a brighter note, new life tends to be popping up around me. We have a new baby at the Sisterhood, and I've found out Ragnhild and Tala are pregnant. I'm slightly envious of them. They have settled down with the men they love. Though, Tala is truly a bitch, and does not deserve the blessings she has recieved, I pray all goes well, for Arandor's sake. And Star's too. As for Ragnhild, she is gonna make the cutest mother. And Zoma, I see as a nervous father. It is like a story book love, on the outside. But who knows where their hearts truly lie. Only time will reveal those secrets._
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It has become painfully obvious I will never learn to weild a blade well enough to be a danger to anyone, or to truly protect myself. Zanetar says my strengths do not lie in blades, nor any weapon for that matter. Though, I like to pretend that I'm decent with a bow.
He is now teaching me to fight, to survive, using only a smile. I understand the basic concepts of the lesson, though I doubt I will ever be successful in such. Can men really be so gullible? To look at them and say you need help, to play a victim, will they really bend over backwards for a pretty face? I don't think I can do such, nor do I see how it would be truly beneficial. But, he is forcing me to put myself out there. To talk to people, or I fail him. And I really don't want to do that. So, tomorrows assignment, charm a man and walk away with his coin purse. We'll see how that goes.
–-------------------------------------
Well, to say the least, I surprised myself today. After sitting near the fires in Norwick for hours, I finally got the nerves up to speak to a couple men. It only took a smile, and the slightest touch of one man's arm to have him following me around like a puppy. I have to admitt being successful in my first endeavor is a huge boost to my ego. Now I find myself a few hundred gold richer, with new armor and a man waiting for me to simply call upon him. Needless to say, Zanetar was proud of me. He even said the three words I have been waiting to hear for a long time. "I love you." But now I wonder if he means them, or if they were more inspired by my success verses his true feelings. I suppose only time will tell._
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Perpetual Warning
_Do just what I tell you
And no one will get hurt
Don't come any closer
'Cause I dunno how long I can hold my heart in two“You’re not even listening are you? I can only warn you for so long…this is that last time. So if you take that step… you’re on your own. I’ll not protect you and certainly show you no mercy… I’ve laid out what you stand to lose if move any closer. So you can walk away now and I’ll not think any less of you.”
Make no sudden movements
And no one will get hurt
You're not coming over
If you know what's good for me
Why would I be leaving you?“I told you… but you would not listen. You misunderstood me? How is that possible… I warned you, told you exactly what would happen. You choose the path. I told you how I was… and you could not just do what I told you… you hurt yourself. Don't look at me like that… it means nothing now.”
Now, I've had it up to here
Don't ever try that again
Why are you so quiet so suddenly?
Go on, have it
You're just dying to try me“You want to try again? Once was not enough? I’ll not stop you, but you’ll not change anything… you should know that.
But, it's all your choice. ”_
Lyrics to Psychobabble by the lovely Frou Frou – And sorry if this is totally confusing, but a handful will understand. -Nilla
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_Peace has once again settled over our household. All of my Sisters seem to be in good spirit and attacks from the banites, undead and orcs have not occurred in several weeks. Perhaps it is false sense of safety, but I feel compelled to make this place what it was built for. Well, what everybody else was told it was built for.
Slowly but surely, I’ve begun to move the children back into the Sisterhood, starting with my own daughter, Sune. She was extremely excited to be back. Mind you, so was I. Laughter of children, most of them Idym’s kids right now, once again fills the halls, and the noise that once drove me crazy, now sets my soul afire. I often think I’d like to be a mother again, to feel a new life growing within me, but in reality, I am not settled enough to do such. Most likely never will be. Though some would love to put that leash (ring) upon me.
Milshot asked me to be his wife the other day. I did the merciful thing and said no. Well, actually, I said “no, not yet”. That is as close to the truth as I can tell him. He is a wonderful man, much deserving of love and all the joy life can offer him, and I know I am not the one for him, though, he will never believe me. I wish Alia had stayed around. She was good for him. Kind, loving and ready to settle down and be his wife. I’m the total opposite, though that seems to be what he wants. Why do men do that? Desire a wife and a solid life, but chase after the wind? Men are stupid.
Although, he is a good man, and I’d be foolish not to offer him a chance. Yet soon enough I will distance myself from him, not having the courage to simply say “no, this life is not for me” and disappoint him, fully knowing this will hurt him more in the long run. But, such is my way and I am ultimately a coward. I’ve never liked to argue, I’ve never liked to disappoint someone, though life is full of disappointments. But in all fairness… I warned him. HE chooses to stay, despite all the warnings I’ve given him. So, I’ll not feel guilty when it all falls apart.
PS: I should stop lying to myself and accept I'm not the woman I was ten years ago._
-
_I do not know where to start, if I am to write my memories down. I suppose the earliest I can remember is as good a place as any. And as always, I wonder what is real, what is dreamed, and what is shaded by time.
The earliest thing I can remember is helping my father gather some purplish berry the elves in the glenn we lived in would use to make wine. I remember wanting so badly to taste the wine and sneaking handfuls of berries to my room, (which oddly, I think was within a tree) to munch on when my parents were not looking. My minds eye can also clearly see my father pressing the berries, making a game out of it so me and my friends would help out. I recall their laughter, and it being one of the simplest joys in my life.
I also remember me and my mother being the only people not of elven blood. Well, I am partially elven, thanks to Dad, but Mom was a fiery haired woman who lived off the weave. I remember her being accepted by the elves, though the elves I've come in contact with throughout my life don't seem as accepting of humans as I remember them being of my mom. But I also remember her being quite beautiful and sweet to everybody, so maybe that helped.
I recall great festivals to the Lady Lurue, the bitch of a goddess that turned her back upon my family when we needed her most . And perhaps I dreamed it, for it sounds so obscure and unbelievable, but I remember a small heard of unicorns amongst the woods from time to time. I also remember my father speaking of Her Sacred grove, though I highly doubt we lived within it. But father was her choosen, a protector of the woods and his people, so maybe he did know where the grove was. Or perhaps it is just reading books and Her history that makes me think he did, hard to say, I was very young during that period.
I also remember my mother teaching classes about the weave, and me being the only student that could not catch on. Which amazed her since she could pull from it naturally, yet her daughter could not even conjure up the simplest of spells. Dad often joked I was just a simple forest girl like him. I understood the animals and the woods, but magic was just not my thing, unless Lurue herself blessed me with it, he would joke.
I also recall my first friend, Sa'li. She was the prettiest girl in my classes, and by far the smartest. When the other kids would make fun of me for my inability to perform, she would sneak spells in, knowing how to conjure them so she did not have to say a word, leading the other kids to believe I had accomplished something. Her and I would joke about it, although my mother knew very well it was a game we played. I guess she got tired of the other kids mocking me too. I also clearly recall the day Sa'li died. But it was the day most that lived in the glenn died.
I'm not sure I've ever told anybody about Sa'li, especially about her death. I remember the men raiding our village, I remember the sound of screaming, and the woods burning, and seeing her eyes as she lay dying upon the ground. Truly she saved me. Casting a simple invisible spell upon me, allowing me to run while she attempted to cast another to hide herself… but the men ran to fast and before she could disappear before their eyes, a scimitar found its place amongst her shoulder blades. I don't know why the man killed her, she could have been sold just as quickly as the rest of us were, but her fate was sealed that day, and I sat beside her, shielded by her own spell, as she lay dying. I don't remember what I said to her, and I hardly remember the men collecting me and loading me upon the wagon with the rest of the village, but I remember laying beside her, wondering why I could not have learned a simple spell to protect her, as she had protected me.
And with that, I think I'm done writing, remembering, for now. It's been a long time since I've thought of such, perhaps too long, for the heartache I clearly remember when I was younger has returned full force. I did not think such could still affect me as it has._
-
_"Stay very still." Her mother whispered as she stood infront of her only daughter. Having finally unloaded all the captives from the cages they stayed in during the boat ride, the men walked back and forth down the line inspecting their new acquisitions. In this shipment, all of them were elven, save one human woman who stood nearly a foot taller than the other ladies, her hair a crimson hue that fell down to her knees, and her half blooded daughter, who looked a mirror image of the woman, despite her slightly pointy ears. Malani could not help but grab her mothers hair, the soft scent of calla lillies filling her nostrils as she clung to the crimson locks. She did not understand what was happening, she did not understand why people were crying and why one by one the men would grab a young girl, dragging her off while her mother begged for them to stop. Standing in a white silk gown, stained from the journey aboard the ship, the child peeked around the edge of her mother just in time to catch the eye of a man as he was making his way down the line.
"Well well, whut da we hav ere?" He said mockingly, flashing the young girl a cocky smile, small tusks flashing. She felt her mother stiffen, followed by a small gasp escaping her lips as she realized her daughter had been seen. "Whut's you’s name, purty?" The man said, shoving the tall red head to the side as he reach out for her daughter, her crimson locks slipping from the young girl's hand. Gazing up at the man, then to her mother, she felt complete fear wash over her as tears flowed down her mother's cheeks. It was the first time she had ever seen her cry.
"Cat got you’s tongue?" He said, squating down, looking directly into the young girl's face. Turning to look to her mother, her body in motion to take a step, the man reach out, grabbing Malani, her crying out instantly. "Ahh! A noise." He said, a huge grin coming to his lips. "Nows once gin, whats you’s name?"
Frozen from fear, the youth could do nothing but cry silently, hot tears streaming down her flushed cheeks. "Name!" He shouted into her face, her jumping, then one loud sob escaping her as another man stepped up, grabbing her mother, dragging her back as she tried to get to her child. As if in a flash the first man, obviously cursed with orc blood in his veins from his mere size and deformed face, rose, grabbing her mother’s dress, ripping it off her form in one smooth motion, as the child stood staring.
“You’s name?”
Opening her mouth to speak, but unable to say anything, the half orc simply smiled as he drew his hand back bringing it down across her mother’s cheek, the beautiful woman, crying softly. Every few moments the man would stop the beating, looking to the young girl, commanding her to speak. Throughout the entire ordeal, Malani stood silent, simply watching, tears dripping from her chin.
“Not in front of my daughter.” The woman whimpered as the men finished undressing her, the other women and children around them crying out loudly as the captors gathered around watching the event unfold. Standing confused, and still silent, the half orc man leaned back over, whispering directly into Malani’s ear. “Yous could haves stops this, if yous choose to speak up. Nay ever forgets that.”_
–--------------
_"Mom? You alright?" Sune whispered, curled up against Nicahh. "You, you having a bad dream or something?"
Resisting the urge to scream, to cry, to break down in front of her own daughter Nicahh simply nodded, grabbing Sune, crushing her with a hug so she could not see her face. She needed to be alone before she broke down, she could not do this infront of her own child.
"Jerrs….calling...for...um...breakfast. You best... get going." She said as fluidly as she could, her voice broken despite her best efforts. Rolling her daughter out of bed, then turning away so she could not see her face, she quickly grabbed her robe, wrapping it about her, then rushing from the room, leaving her own child confused about her behavior.
Quickly, down the hall, into the library, then beyond, she found herself upon her knees, the polished stone floor beneath her feeling sharp and cold, as the rest of her body felt simply numb. She could not understand why the dreams were back, why they chose to haunt her again.
Yet, the dream had not been what she remembered, it felt clearer, sharper for some reason. She wondered where her father had been, for she seemed to remember him telling her to answer before it was too late, as she stood silent that day. She remembered the hurt in his eyes looking upon his wife, the anger towards the men, and what she would eternally believe to be disappointment as he gazed upon the girl, Malani. Her heart grieved from the memories, from the feeling of loss and failure that day. She had always justified that a child could have done nothing in that situation, but then again, she could have spoken._
–------------
_My nightmares have returned. Yet, they are more vivid, like I'm still there, although some things are different, as if my mind's eye wants to forget the worst of it.
It's been years since I've dreamed of the city my father died in, and the one my mother lost herself in. I could swear for a split second when I woke this morning I could smell the harbor and hear the the auctioneers. Funny how the mind totures its self at times.
I'm inclined to write down as much as I can remember about my past before my dreams merge with memories and I forget what is real and what is imagined. But then again, does the past really matter? Especially one forged in pain and loss. Some would say yes, and I'd be inclined to agree with them, but if my memories are to be fictionalized, I don't think I want them anymore._
-
_"Alright, alright, what are you going to do? Everybodys dead, just me and Hedia. Sy'wyn dead, Nico dead, Grag dead, Kara dead, Zyphlin dead. Hedia's flipping out… she better shut the fuck up before I kill her, sick of her prayers. What am I gonna do?! Gotta get out of here... gotta go. Oh fuck, oh fuck, I'm gonna die. Gonna die..gonna die. NO...You can get out... you can sneak your way out... No! They'll see you. One of those machines will spot you and you are fucked! Can't stand here... can't stay. If I stay more creatures come... if I go, they get me. Maybe I can run. Nope, they're too fast, they'll just catch me. Gotta think fast, gotta get going. Gotta scroll! I can bring Sy back... he can go, he can go get help. Yes, yes, that will work... gonna bring Sy'wyn back. My only hope. What if he doesn't come back? What then? Gotta think of plan B ... FUCKING SHUT UP HEDIA! SHARRESS LEFT US, YOU DUMB BITCH! THIS IS NOT PLEASURABLE!! SHE IS NOT GOING TO SHOW HERE!! ... Calm down, calm down, can't think all flustered like that... gotta find a balance...gotta get back to yourself. Think survival, how you going to survive. Alright, alright, alright. You're gonna be fine... deep breaths, deep breaths... that's it, calm down. Calm down. Deep breath. Deep breath. Ok... gotta scroll, I'll bring Sy'wyn back. He'll know what to do. If that doesn't work, got two options. A. Kill yourself. B. Try to sneak out. Those machines will see you. Got to create a diversion. Need something to draw their attention away. Think, think, think. Need something so they look the other way...need something to sacrifice. Think, gotta move fast, gotta get going, don't have time to hesitate. OH! Gotta scroll...got two scrolls... summon animals... they chase them... you run. Got seven invisibility potions. Scavage the bodies... see what they have. Maybe someone has a scroll or something... its all on you. Hedia is gone. You'll be fine... only gotta get past the machines. You're like a shadow, you can sneak past the creatures. Just the machines, just the machines. Like a shadow, move like a shadow, move from shadow to shadow. Not good enough. You -ARE- a shadow. You are a shadow, you are a shadow. They can't see the black, you are a shadow, move slow, steady, you'll be fine. Stay close to the walls, move slow. You're just another darkened spot on the wall. The machines, the machines... they may not believe you're a shadow. Summon two creatures... let them run, them attack, you run then. You drink a potion of invisibility and you run. You run harder than your little legs have ever ran. It's all on you Nicahh, all your job. Don't forget the key! Gods that would suck, so close to freedom only to forget the key! Gotta get help, gotta get going, no time to lose.
Ok...ok...ok... for now... try the scroll and pray Fenmarel allows Sy'wyn to return. All on You, now, all on You."_
-
_I've never wrote a journal before. I've never knew why anyone would want to. Just seemed like a huge waste of time and energy if you asked me. But now, it's been nearly six years I've spent alone, maybe longer. I've stopped counting. Not that it matters. But the point is, I've stopped running. I don't see my master's face everywhere I look, and the feeling of boredom has slowly been creeping up on me, though a constant fear of being captured still remains. I'm still going to keep traveling southwest, the woods here seem full of life and maybe one day I will find a village I wish to stay in with faces I don't know.
So, I found this blank book upon a dead man, goblins having killed him and taken everything of value off of his body. I was disappointed to find the book empty, the few books I carry upon me I have read so many times I have them memorized and I was hoping to find something new to entertain me. Not a bad day though, they left his food behind, and a fur coat. My coat was getting worn, and it was nice to have something to eat besides the vegetation I can gather in the woods. He also carried a fresh loaf of bread upon him, and I can't remember eating anything that tasted sweeter in my life.
The dried meats he carried I fed to the creatures of the woods. I still can't eat meat. Doubt I ever will. Tasting your own blood slightly sours your stomach to the possibility of eatting flesh ever again. It's been years since the metalic taste has graced my lips, but I still gag at the rememberance of such.
Well, the sun is going down, I can hardly see to write now and I need to find shelter before the goblins sniff me out. Maybe tomorrow I will write again, since this did not seem as stupid as I thought it would be._
-
_More kids dead, screaming, crying, pain, suffering. Above all, they cry out for me. Need, want my attention. I give some, they want more. They keep taking like little leeches. My head aches, my body sore. Jerr tells me to decide, I'm about to tell him to fuck off.
Remember this day and the chains you felt.
Running is always an option, and often life preserving. Never forget that._
_I dreamed the other night about my chains. Self applied. I dreamed of children, all about, screaming and crying, needing. I am not good at being a provider for those completely dependent. I can't do this.
Rhoni tries to show me a way out, all others just accept this is my new life. Those I thought that loved me, Anakore, Rolan, just don't come about. I'm busy, why help me? My use is over, I'm old, just another girl. Bless Rhoni's heart for convincing me to leave, when a stranger could so clearly see I was on edge, and those that profess love just walk away.
"Just one day in Peltarch" he requested, "one day away from -that- house", he said. One day in Peltarch turned into three. First day was enjoying the silence, yet in his company. Few words spoken, just smiles exchanged. Second day alone, in the banite house. Cold, silent, empty; it was perfect. The last day, as I pondered my trip south, Barrim caught me in a moment of pure self-indulgence, lost in thought. Nearly an entire day was spent just talking to him.
That man confuses me; mostly because he is a iceberg. Cold and slowly advancing, yet most of him is hidden from sight. "Ponder your death" he kept saying. "Makes life sharper." I suppose he is right. However, I can't imagine death, seems far away. I ponder everybody else’s death, imagine how they will pass. Don't really spend much time on mine.
Spent an evening with Jerr when I got home, I think he understands he can not pressure me. Make demands, and I will leave. It was nice to hear him telling me to take time to myself, when I had just arrived.
Freedom again, yet I choose to stay, for now._
-
_I think Rhoni is going to go off and kill someone I know soon. I personally hope it is Rolan, which would be completely justified in my opinion. Rolan just kept trying to push Rhoni's buttons, to incite a fight the other night. I don't know what all was said, I could only take so much of Rolan bad mouthing me before I walked away, knowing come a few weeks, maybe months, he will crawl back and apologize. He needs to be put in place, or people need to stop raising him when he dies for being foolish. For once let the people decide when someone’s time is up, verses letting the gods see fit for him to come back and annoy the shit out of us. He best pray he not fall near me, for his body will be properly burned and ashes scattered to the wind, if I could get away with it. Perhaps that is harsher than I truly mean or feel, but damn, he really pissed me off. However, for now, back to Rhoni.
I am not even going to begin to guess how many people have approached him regarding me. I suppose it would get old to be called some woman's newest boy toy or your life being threatened if you hurt someone you have little to no feelings for. Well, that is not really a fair assessment, I know he likes me, if not he would have walked away long ago or killed some of my so called friends that he says hides behind my friendship so they can insult him with no penalty. I'm not sure I would be able to display the tolerance he shows. I personally think he is saving up his fury. Waiting for that one person who catches him on the wrong day, then just completely obliterates them. What a beautiful fight that will be to see. The release of tension, the barbaric nature of man. I pray it is not a friend of mine that pushes him to that point, it would be amazing to see him tear someone apart, if I can watch with no personal attachment to the victim involved.
Anakore told me in years past Rhoni had been one of his knights, a mage of sorts. If such magic still runs through his veins, I can not see it. I can only imagine what he would have been like back then; I don't see him being happy with such powers. With power comes responsibility and commitment, and truly this man loves his freedom. I think it is taxing for him at times to travel with folks. To attempt to protect your party, to feign interest in their welfare. But alas, perhaps I judge him too harshly myself. But, he brings it upon himself, being so god damn impossible to read. Just when I think I have figured him out, that cocky grin appears, he kisses my forehead, then wonders off. It drives me insane. He did warn me that he was a "mountain I could not climb". But, perhaps he does not understand, I am no mountaineer. I've never traveled the conventional path; I get inside you and work my way up._
-
_They do not understand why I grieve. They see the death of a banite named Zanetar, I see the death of Zanetar. There is a difference. I did not love the banite, I did not respect the banite, I loved the man. I hated the images he portrayed, I hated the attention he attracted, I hated his commands, I hated his leadership, I grew to hate everytime he kneeled to pray.
I grieve for the man whose hands were so large Percy could barely grasp his finger when he taught our son to walk. I grieve for the man who laid in bed beside me, reciting poetry, telling me I was beautiful. Will THEY ever understand the difference? No, never. They will cheer about his death, they will pat one another on the back for his foolishness, just another banite dead. To an extent, they are right. Just for them, he was just another banite.
I grieve for the death of my friend, the father of my son, a champion of my heart, despite what people thought of him. I won't feel guilty for this._
-
_Her hand trembled holding the quill, as an inkblot dripped off its end, splattering upon the blank page in her journal. She had gotten angry. Not only had she gotten angry, she had let it be seen. What had happened to spark the anger she was not so sure about. She blamed it upon the bitchy elf's selfishness, but selfishness was common, so that could not be it. She knew her anger had only been compounded when she had let the woman get to her. Where had her neutral mask been? Why had she spoken up, when silence had always been her forte? She had betrayed herself that day; she had not been able to hide for the first time in years, and she hated it. Someone would pay.
Her mind raced as she attempted to take notes, to grab onto a thought and explore it fully. Revenge, revenge, revenge… it had been on her mind so thickly the first few hours. How rational thoughts had broken through, she was unsure. Kill the elf. Simple, easy, here is the obstacle; here is how to overcome it. But the thoughts of it were empty and though the vision of seeing her die by her hands was pleasing, it did not give her a feeling of completion.
She had never been good at murder. Sure her hands were well trained and she had nearly mastered the art of moving from shadow to shadow as she stalked her prey, but sometimes death was just too quick. When you snap someone’s neck they do not have time to ponder the path of their life, what had lead them to this moment, or to regret their actions. When you poison their soul, their mind or even their body, they feel the effects. It is slow and creeping, spreading throughout their being sucking the life from them. These types of deaths she enjoyed. She found a sick solace in the fact that she could evoke such in a person. Perhaps she had not changed as much as she and others had thought. Perhaps such had just lay dormant, waiting for it's chance to arise.
Slowly her anger calmed as her mind formulated the plan. She thought of her obstacles, of everything that could go wrong, then of how everything could just go right. Closing the journal she rolled over upon her bed, staring up at the ceiling of her room. The house was silent, she was completely alone. The solitude felt right. It was not cold and empty like Rolan had said it would be, it was comforting._
-
_The first person Zanetar ever asked me to convert has come back into life, Olivia Lyonsbane. Olivia was one of the few women I felt that I had ever connected with. It does not mean by any stretch of the imagination that I have convinced myself I truly know and understand her, but she is someone that it brightens my day to see. Her and Keira both do that to me. Maybe it is because I truly don't know them and they both seem like this complex riddle that gets more interesting as time passes. Or maybe it was because neither of them ever tried to change me, they just accepted me as is.
I still don't know if Olivia is aware of the relationship between me and Anakore, she still holds quite a bit of spite for him. I love Anakore, I do, but I can understand how most women would not be able to tolerate him. He borders on being completely selfish it would seem, but in all actuallity, it is just he is strong and committed to his beliefs and won't let anyone change that. Did he cheat on Olivia, yes. Were they in an exclusive relationship, he says no, she says yes, and I hesitate to judge. I want to believe them both, and I know that the whole mess between them was because of the grey areas they had not discussed in their relationship. But as she said, it is in the past.
I extended my hand to her today, even offered the aid of the Sisterhood to her, should she need it. I don't care about how others feel about her, I know deep down, she is not just a woman filled with hate, nor just a cold blooded hunter. Just another person looking for their place in this world. She needs family and fellowship as much as anybody else, and it is a shame to see what groups would offer such when people are down on their luck. Generally it is just groups looking for foot soldiers or numbers to back their causes. Or you have the ones that rather than accept that people make mistakes, just turn their backs on them. That is why it was so easy for people like me to convert others to whatever faith I fancied that week. I promised them brighter days, and that someone would always be there to back them. Impossible promises to keep, but damn they sound appealling.
I often wonder if I am doing the same thing with my Sisters, but then people like Ria wonder up to me, and I find myself in awe of how devout she is to her new family. Nyda is another wonderful example, she too would do anything for any of us, at all expenses to herself. I say I would do the same, but I wonder, am I really that strong? Am I selfless like my Sisters are, or will I walk away when the time is right? Sy'wyn has always told me to be prepared to walk the path alone, we all venture on our own and we can't count on anyone but ourselves. For right now though, I'm going do my best to trust them and hope I don't fail them also._
-
((Maybe a bit adult oriented, so if you don't like those kind of stories…don't read this one.))
_I do not know what came over me yesterday. Perhaps it was loneliness; perhaps it was just a chaotic moment in my soul.
I had spent the day in the company of Anakore, Captain to the Cerulean Knights. He is a charming man, handsome, confident. I admit that since my first meeting with him I found him attractive, however I can't admit that I desired him. So how such events transpired, I am not entirely sure. He and I had sat outside of Peltarch, near the gates, his son playing in the tall grass near us. Some fools had left the gates open and a small army of kobolds came running towards us. I instantly grabbed Nickolai and ran with him as Anakore drew his blades and killed the beasts. Anakore ran to me, grabbing Nick out of my arms before I could even speak. His concern for his child was overwhelming and I felt a pang of desire for such a man. Not that Zanetar is not a good man, he is away visiting Pernicious and has promised to bring him back this time, I was told by Arien, but it has been months and I have heard nothing from him. Not the point though.
Darkness was closing in upon us when he decided it was time to take Nick home. He asked me if I would wait for him while he tucked his son in since I am banned from the Bardic College and could not join him. So, we met outside the gates and decided to take a walk. After a short while we sat along the lake, the cold winds from it blowing over us as we just talked. It had been a long time since a man had simply sat down and spoken with me. We talked about everything and nothing, him often stirring the conversation back to why I am still with Zanetar. I do not know how I found myself sitting so close to him, I don't remember when he picked me up and placed me in his lap. I do clearly remember his hands upon my back. I clearly remember the sensation of his fingers tracing my scars. And I remember the racing of my heart as I felt him loosen the strapping of the leather bodice I wore. I have to admit I was completely in shock as he leaned forward kissing the side of my neck, his teeth grazing my skin.
I may have panicked at this point. I just remember sitting topless in his lap, his hands upon my breasts, lips upon my neck and me wishing I was anywhere but here at this moment. In my free life, I can not remember a man having such control over me unless I gave it to him. For this man, this stranger, to have me in such a position I was mortified. As my mind raced, I felt his hand upon my cheek and I turned to face him. It felt like a barrier had crumbled between us as his lips pressed against mine and our bodies reacted in unison. All concerns I had about Zanetar left me as a heat rose in my body and he pressed me to the chilled ground. As if a wild beast had been released, I found myself clawing at his clothing, pressing my bare skin against his. I remember his taste; I remember the feeling of my teeth upon his flesh. Then I felt it, the exquisite pain of him joining with me. It was an amazing sensation; the cold winds of the lake blowing across my flesh as this near stranger took me at the rising of the dawn.
It was so odd waking up next to him, his powerful arms wrapped about me. The fire he had built had long died out and by the positioning of the sun, it was well past noon. Although my first instinct was to run, to get dressed and leave, I was compelled to lay at his side and just gaze upon his handsome face. He slept so peacefully at my side, despite him expressing the night before that he did not trust women in general. I attempted to slip away from him after a while, but he woke, propping himself up on his elbows, gazing at me sleepily as I dressed. It was an odd sensation, him watching me, me fumbling over my words as he approached. Then he spoke some of the most honest words I had ever heard. They were not laced with emotion or excuses, just simple honest words. "Two adults that spent an amazing evening together. Nothing more, nothing less. I shall expect nothing further of you and you expect nothing from me. No guilt." And it was just that simple. I dressed, he dressed and we wondered back towards Peltarch.
I have not seen him since, but I must admit I am curious to what our next interaction will be like. Will he treat me as if nothing happened, as if I am just that girl that he talks to when others are not demanding his attention? Or will he seek out my company? I know he said nothing more, but I am not so sure I would be opposed seeing him again. But then again, I just wish Zanetar would come home and I would not have to worry about seeking someone to keep me company._
