3. Journals of a Youths Void -- Abigail Anne Uramesy

Journals of a Youths Void -- Abigail Anne Uramesy


  • Dear Diary,

    Miss Lilly. Miss Lilly. Miss Lilly. Miss Lilly, she. Miss Lilly. She gave me a pair of gloves. They are soft. They are white, I am going to have to dye them, they do not match with my velvet robes. But they are soft. Miss Lilly. They are very soft to the touch, and they smell nice. I removed them from my hand and sniffed my fingers, they smelled like roses. The moment I removed them Syne asked "Did you bring wild flowers home?" I held up my hand and told him about Miss Lilly. I showed him the gloves, I brushed my hand against his cheek to show him what they did to my skin, its so soft. It's odd feeling like this, it felt natural to touch his cheek. Why do people call him a monster? He does nothing but spoil me.

    It's silly that my life has been so uneventful that I need to write about gloves, the entire entry, i'm going to dye them, be right back.

    They are sitting out by the window pane, they are dark black now, I hope I didn't ruin them, but I don't think that the dye would do that to them. It was fairly expensive, I found it in a drawer. I figure I should buy a nice dress for if Syne ever decides to take me to one of those senator partys they have. A beautiful black dress with a purple trim. That would be nice, It would probably make me look older too.

    My jewery collection has been growing since I have the coin to buy more things now. No longeris my hair held back with that damn copper pin, I bought a silver one today, no one seems to notice. But I do.


  • Dear Diary,

    I havnt left Syne's room all day. I've been sitting, eating, drinking, reading, anddoing a lot of thinking. Thinking about small things. Whenever something doesnt go my way I just feel like I can't take it. That everything is against me, everyone doesnt like me. Any sort of emotion I show can be seen as a weakness for everyone else to play off of. If I smile they know i'm happy, if I cry they know i'm sad. I'm sick of this. I needed a break.

    I packed myself some lunch, bread with little chunks of ham in it and swiss cheese loaf. I headed out to the lake and just sat, looking at the ships come and go. I noticed to the left of me was a beautiful flower patch. Someone must of spent lots of time growing and cariing for these flowers.

    I'm not sure if it was out of jelousy or out of boredem but I burned that flower bed. I burned it to the ground and destroyed it. It felt good. It gave me a moment of relief. I don't care at the moment what Mirkali thinks. Syne thinks like me. That is what is important right now.

    The most imporant thing is that I know whats right. I can make things right.


  • I hate being locked away. I hate feeling like things are holding me in. Yet, for some reason I can't leave Syne's room. I fear being outside yet hate being cramped up. I left once today, I left to get fresh air. I don't even remember the last time I took a long warm bath. I smell bad.

    Merydian caught me as I was sitting down, maybe she does care about me. She checked me over, looking at my body as if I would harm myself. She wanted to talk, she hugged me. She was warm, I felt tears coming out. I can't cry. Strong women don't cry. I had to, I used magic. I shrouded the area in darkness and took off, I ran in the direction of Synes room.

    I was frazzled, I got lost, I ended up in a big circle and they found me. Merydian and Kalina. Kalina talked Merydian out of talking to me for a good while, so I took that opportunity to walk away, they can't know I live with Syne, so I headed to the Mermaid. I called Merydian "Miss Merydian" I should of called her mommy, I want to call her mommy.

    I went to the room my father got me in the mermaid. It was cold, unused… lonley. I waited in there an hour before pulling my hood up and running back here to Syne's.

    All this grief and stressed caused by that whore who gave birth to me.


  • Dear Diary…

    Why are some people so... intollerant? Let's take Mirkali for example. He continues to lock me away and keep me places when I want to leave. He is greedy that way yet he does it all because thats what he feels is best.

    Syne never keeps me locked away.

    My father... my step-father I should say, he tells me who is good and who is bad. How can you judge someone if they are good or bad? There is no such thing as evil and good. Actions don't speak louder than words they only show what you do when in the heat of the moment.

    Syne never judges anyone.

    My mother leaves me, she claims to still miss me but she left me in a temple of Selunites, she was once a wonderful person. She used to care. She doesn't anymore, she just regrets I found my way home. She left me when she felt it was a good time.

    Syne never left me.

    Merydian is kind. Merydian is smart. Merydian is fun to be around, but at the same time I don't know what to think of her, she is so sweet yet I don't know if she really cares or if it's all just a show. She is confusing.

    Syne is easy to understand.

    Eowiel is smart, funny but she is a performer, I know she cares about me but her emotions feel greedy. She is sick so I don't really know what to say about her. She hates my mother just as everyone else does. Just as I do.

    Syne is smart, funny, and a senator.

    The list can continue on forever. Mirkali wants me to hate him forever if I kill my mother. He says I will either turn into a large pool of sadness or I will become a ruthless killing war-machine. No one understands what I want. No one gets it.

    Syne understands what I want.

    I'm writting this from my bed at Syne's quarters. I do not wish to leave here. Some things have happened which just make me feel horrible. I just plan to read till the end of the month, hopfully things will clear up.

    I miss feeling truely loved and accepted.


  • Dear Diary,

    My energy just feels more developed. I feel ready to take on my mother finally. I think I may want to do it soon, i'm not sure.

    I guess it all depends what is going to happen when I see her, its been… five years since i've last seen her. Since i've lasted cared to see that Selunite whore.

    Syne brought home some warm bread the other day, small pieces of sourdough that go well with wine. They were good.

    I guess maybe I should stay on todays topics, instead of just ranodm thoughts. I just seem to be having random thoughts. I sent a note to Sir Calendall abouit obtaining a shard to hold my mothers soul, so if she ever comes back it will be because I let her.

    I talked to Miss Lina about Syne. I tried to figure out those secrets he wont tell me. She told me he would tell me when he sees me fit. I guess if I want to know the truth I have to stay with him, which frankly, I don't mind doing.


  • Dear Diary

    She still continues to stare at me. Recently a bunch of people are giving me bad looks. People are looking me up and down before scoffing and looking away. In the commons I actually noticed a small group sitting across from me, some guy pointed at me and his buddy glared.

    Why does everyone have a silver sythe up their ass? Is there no place a beautiful young woman can go to avoid such stares. Maybe i'm stuck up with myself, or maybe I should just ask them to stop staring.

    One day i'm going to snap and just burn their faces off. My magic is so powerful, and I never get to use it much. It's such a warm feeling in my palm, such a warm feeling…

    Recently I have been doing work that my father gave me. He got me a job with some senators documents, mailing and delivering them out. Most of the time it's pretty easy because if I don't know where to deliver one Syne knows. And most of the time i'm right next to Syne, i've been doing most of my work in his quarters so far, my father just thinks i'm in the room he rented out for me.

    Merin a few years ago cast a spell upon me to make me forget about Garret, my real father. - I recall everything now, his spell wore off. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.


  • Twas sitting in the commons, mind-opps.

    Dear Diary,

    Twas sitting in the commons, minding my own buisiness when Mirkali came around. He stared at me a while before telling himself that I could still use magics. That I was hiding it, we went back to his place at the college and I sat upon his dresser, he went through the same old shit everyone says, how it will end up consuming me, turning me. It won't. I have more will power than all those before me, I will become powerful with it, I will become strong.

    I went back to my inn room, took a nap and came back outside. Some girl keeps staring at me, I'm getting real annoyed with men and women who stare. I am not for sale, stop looking. My father and Mery came outside, I convinced them for a brief second that I was pregnant that made my day. They both freaked out! It was a funny moment in the day. I said I wanted to go inside and I headed to my inn room. Instead I headed over to Syne's, I finished reading another one of his books and am moving on to another layer of the hells. It's really hard. But then again, nothing worth doing is every easy the saying goes right?

    My mother dies by the end of this year.

    -Love Abiie.


  • Dear Diary,

    Ron. I am going to remember that name, Ron. Ron is the name of this little prick who is a year younger than me here at the city, his father is some noble with a silver dagger up his ass and his mother is the same. He is the most annoying piece of shite ever. He keeps talking about how pathetic I am just because he thinks I cannot use my magics anymore. But then again, everyone is thinking that.

    I recently decided that in order to make everyone stop putting the candlelight upon me I am going to tell people I have no connection to the weave any longer, all except Syne. Syne knows me. Syne trusts my choices and understands.

    Even Mirkali thinks that I am just some common child now.

    My power feels strong, it feels developed. I have been reading Syne's books from cover to cover, think I only have a couple dozen left to read, i'm learning so much. I have decided what I wish my familiar to be, and once I get to talk to Syne i'm going to see how he feels about it. I'm going to harness a devil. They are powerful, strong, and hard to destroy. Perfect for me.

    I have already tried to open a small view into the top most layer of the hells, but it is very unstable and I cannot communicate with any creature and hold the portal open at the same time. I could probably pull out an imp or a demon pixie. I doubt i'd be able to pull anything else out.

    Anyhow, i'll ask Syne, see if he knows what I can do.

    -Love Abiie.


  • Diary,

    My father thinks I am in the room he rented out for me, i've been just walking out of it recently. I think it might be bad to defy the word of a Tyrian warrior, but what would he do at best? Yell at me? Whatever.

    I woke up near highmoon, I couldnt sleep. I headed out of the inn to just walk around in the crisp air, I found myself walking to Sir Synes room, not on purpose more out of habbit. I knocked on his door, he opened it in one of his fancy robes and let me in. I brought him dinner, some chicken breast covered in orange glaze from the Ferret. He never commented if he liked it or not, i'm not even sure if he ate his, still, I thought it was good.

    I've been spending a lot of my time recently with him, he has a bunch of books that im reading through. A lot of them are about the Hells, he has actually put down paperwork to come help me with some of the harder reads. It's quite relaxing I must say.

    I enjoy it.


  • Dear Diary,

    I awoke and looked around. I didn't know where I was, I was confused, scared, nervous. I sat up in my bed and gripped my chest, my heart was pounding. I must of awoke from a nightmare, but where was I?

    I then remembered, i'm living with my father now. I actually woke up to Lucian, my brother, tugging on my sleeve to make breakfast. I usually get up around 4 in the morn, I don't know why I slept late.

    I made Lucian breakfast, pork links with eggs, then took a couple drags of pipeweed. He wanted to taste it, I wouldn't let him, I don't have a lot of it.

    He told my Father who wants to talk to me about it later, he better not take it away. This is fine elven vanilla pipeweed given to me by Syne.

    Speaking of Syne, I caught up with him later that day to talk to him about having to move out of his reisdence and back in with my father. I relized that if I did leave it just wouldn't be the same, I'm actually writting this entry from his desk. He is out picking up fresh fish and some fenberry pudding.

    I may tell my Father to rent out my own room and stay there once or so a week, the most of the time i'm going to hang out here. I still havnt put a dent into reading every book he has in his room.

    Theres something about Syne, something I can't quite put a finger on it, but something about him. He has a bunch of rumors about him, I want to figure out whats real and whats fiction.

    – Love Abiie.


  • Dear Diary,
    People are starting to notice me more. Instead of overlooking me as a girl I am actually noticing a few people following my path with their eyes as I walk by, people are noticing me as a woman. I woke up early, around three I think and headed out of Syne's room. He was busy with paperwork and was suprised that I keep getting up earlier and earlier. I headed out to the commons and bought an apple. I just sat there.

    It was too early to write in my journal, and too early to talk to someone, I got to enjoy a quiet morning, I tilted my head back and peered upward to the sky. It was a cloudy night, the sky was a mixture of black and gray, it really was a beautiful morning. I'm glad I was awake to see it.

    Mirkali woke up. He headed to the commons and sat by my, as usual. We talked about what we wanted to do, I wanted breakfast. Though there was this lass crying and he had to take care of her or some shite like that.

    My father came into the commons, I thought he has been too busy recently to even think about it, it's nice seeing him again. He and Mirkali had a back and forth scrabble of words before my Father took me out to get something to eat.

    I love when people call him, Tal.

    We got into the inn and he kept looking me over and taking everything I said the wrong way at first, I think he thought I was pregnant when I said I was hungry constantly. We got into a conversation about my mom. I asked what he would think if she were to die. He didn't care what happened to her. I hope he likes when I bring him a lock of her hair back.

    We started to talk about boys next, your average father/daughter way, he was freaking out everytime I even mentioned that I knew of some sexual stuff. Though I am still a virgin - he has no idea. I figure a few things are best left… unmentioned.

    I slipped up my tongue and spoke of how Syne has been caring for me this year. He went insane, as long as I can remember he has never liked Syne, he demanded that I pick my belongings up from Synes quarters and he would rent me out a room. I didn't want a room, I wanted to stay in his room if anything. I headed out and bought some ink, i'm going to need to talk to Syne about what my next move shalt be.

    -Love Abigail


  • Dear Diary,

    Things are quite confusing during this midwinter. I watched as some children celebrated some stupid fairy queen or something as a game they were playing in the temple. Morons.

    I have been in a bad mood for a long while, Mirkali said some things that I did not- well did not like. I did not like them so much I felt I should just run away. Further than away from my parents, I felt I should just run away from Narfell in general. Perhaps head over to that Waterdeep everyone always talks about.

    I packed my bagpack, I took about seventeen coin (all I have) and headed out the south gate. I was going to ask one of the caravan merchants which direction and they all laughed at me, they said I would have to go with a caravan to get there safely. I asked if I could come along, 300 gold pieces. Bullshit.

    I just took a walk in the nars. Without the marauders running about it is actually a pretty calm pass now. I got to the crossroads of Jiyyd / Peltarch and Norwick road. I relized something, I can't just run away. I still have a job to do, my mother still breathes and running away would be to… like her.

    I headed back to Peltarch, a bit depressed but thats not fatal. I had a nice dinner with Syne, later that nice he brought home sweetcakes and warm wine. It was a fine day, it made me feel a lot better. Syne is that kind of elf that you wouldn't expect to care for a human girl. He is a senator and elvish. Two things which would make him turn down any extra baggage in his room, but he doesnt turn it down. Syne is amazing, which is odd. He can do things like read your mind. I will have to ask him about that.

    Later I went to Mirkali's room to pick up my journal and a few things I left there. He freaked out about some minor thing, he healed a small bruise I had on my knee and gave me a massage, I don't know why I left him.

    The next day I saw him again, he went out with me to the hill overlooking the lake, my favorite spot. Which I now love even more.

    --Abigail Anne Uramesy.


  • Dear Diary,

    Everyone is stressed. Merydian and my father are "back together" but arnt living with each other, which I find fairly stupid. What is it with adults and love that they can't seem to grasp? Why do I always hear stories about younger people falling in love and doing so much for each other.

    Adults just look at everything in a giant picture, they try to disect things. What is there to disect about love? You either love someone or you dont. There is no inbetween. I can see that.

    My father I think is happier with Merydian back, but I don't see him much to know, if they get back together I might spend more time as a family again, like the good old days.

    Syne recently got loaded with a lot of paperwork, something about a senator becoming ill and his work being pressed upon Syne, it's bullshite really. I gave him a few days break from me and went to stay with Mirkali.

    The Mirkali that is also stressed, he has some choice or something he has to make soon but we're "not susposed to worry about it" he told me, so im not going too. I did spend the past two nights in his bardic quarters…

    a small heart is drawn in at the bottom of the page


  • Why bothing writting anymore? It just appears someone will come along, take my journal and find out everything anyhow. Things are just complicated.

    My father and Merydian are back together, its beautiful and brings a warm feeling to my chest when I look at them together, I used to hate Mery for stealing my father from Doran.

    Now I see her as my mother.

    My real mother, the biggest liar, the worst person I have ever known.

    The reason I started to persue the dark arts, the reason I have this darkness being driven from my weak heart, all reside around her. My Selunite fucking mother. Doran Uramesy, she will be killed, she will be killed using the powers of the shadow weave and she will die a cowards death.

    My father, Mery, Mirk, Evendur they all don't understand the feeling of grasping the powers of the shadows, I am wielding a power that can be so good for me. How come they cannot see?

    I am going to kill her, never the less. I am going the moment I have my connection complete. I am heading to Jiyyd, I am going up to her room, I am shrouding it in darkness and I am blowing her apart. I will freeze her soul, if I could I would bring her body back as an undead, drop her down a well so that she may never rest.

    Mery had a sex talk with me. Why does everyone think Mirkali and I are fucking? I don't get it. I have never even touched him except for poking his arm. Mery also rung his neck.

    I need to learn to control myself as well, my father and Mirkali want me to not use any shadow magic until they have settled things. Well it is a race against them I would reckon. For I am killing Doran the moment I feel complete. After that… I will let my heart choose. It has yet to let me down.

    -Love Abiie


  • Today started off great. I woke up and Syne was actually in the room. It was an odd sight to see, him eating his breakfast. I didn't even think he ate!!

    I got dressed and started to pick up little odds and ends around the room before he left I heard him thank me. I felt good and I feel it was an awesome start to a day. I headed off to get breakfast myself.

    Around highsun I came back to the room, just tired from walking around all day. I started to medidate in the back of his room. An hour or so passed when I heard my stomach growl. I headed off for lunch.

    I grabbed some turkey and warm wine, plus an apple. I headed to the commons to read and eat.

    The commons were farked up, rubble and broken buildings all over the place, the city should at least clean up after the crap that happens in the street.

    Mirkali came by when the sun was starting to go down. I lost track of time, enjoying a good book does that to me.

    I think he has been reading my diary. He keeps commenting about things I have written and the like and he wanted to read it from me. But I would not hand it over, i'm smarter than that.

    but… that son of a bitch is smarter than me. Well maybe not smarter... but more clever.

    He didnt actually read my journal, he just tricked me: I told him about spiking his drink the other day and he just laughed it off...

    the rest of the night... started out to be one of the best times i've ever had viewing the lake, but slowly turned depressing.

    When I got back to Syne's room, I asked if I could have some of his vanilla pipeweed, he gave me a slight amount and I just spend the rest of the night thinking.

    How am I to know what love is? When people just don't want me falling in with them?

    • Abiie

  • Am I a bad person? I can't help but think I did something wrong.

    Mirkali took me the other day to look at the big cats near Peltarch, I wanted to see a lion. We had some exotic fruit and drank some fine wine. Eventually I saw my first lion, though it was killed by a guard I took one of its teeth.

    I think i might use it to make a necklace, I don't know.

    I headed to Syne's room and went to bed, he actually had a nice meal for me when I came home, I told him… not in great detail, about what happened and went to bed. I awoke and headed out to the college to try and catch him before he woke up.

    He wakes up early, we was headinc back to the college when I started writting this entry. I closed my journal and he took me to see orcs, I never saw them. He started to teach me how to fight, it was a good time.

    We headed to Jiyyd and this is where I did something horrible.

    I spiked his drink with Black Vevlet, I figured he would kiss me if he was feeling the effects of that drink, I know how it makes you feel and I wanted to kiss him when I was drining it.

    He kept rubbing against me, without his shirt on just grumbling and making noise. I asked him to kiss me but… I couldnt.

    I backed away and I felt bad about tricking him like this. I knew what I wanted but I couldnt go through with it. He eventually released my legs from his hug and I placed a few blankets on him, he fell asleep and I rested my head upon his chest.

    When he woke up it just seemed like every other day, but I have a guilt in me, and he is tricky... I don't know if he remembered last night or not. Today may be a slow... slow day. I don't think i'll spend it with him, perhaps with Syne. I'll help him with some paperwork or something, I don't know.

    Sadly yours, Abiie.


  • Today started off as they usually do. I woke up and Syne wasnt within the room. He is never there when I wake, but always there at night when I come back, usually he has fruit and wine to snack on when I return too, mm, anyway. I woke up and headed out.

    The city was as it usually is, a bit slow and quiet, people afraid to leave their homes unless they have too, cowards.

    I was reading and writting all day within the commons and Barrim came up. He wanted to know why I burned a note he gave me and I said I was just angry at the time. I don't want Syne or my father to be arrested. I refuse to speak of their fight.

    I convinced Barrim I wanted to get someone a gift and he bought me my OWN black velvet, maybe Syne will have a gobblet with me later. That would be nice, I hardly ever see him.

    Meril came up to me later, he told me Eowiel wanted to speak with me. I found out she is very ill, Mirkali was in the college as well. We all were talking in Elvish, (we didnt know Mirkali doesnt understand it). Eowiel told me that the Shadow Weave was a horrible thing to have access to. I'm getting sick of people telling me that its bad.

    She even brought up Callendal. That made me a bit angry. Than they kept making fun of me for having a crush on Mirkali. I don't think im going to give up my gift… i'm going back and forth, I don't like it.

    I was thinking perhaps there is some sort of magic that can make me age a few years, that way Mirkali might look at me differently.

    Whatever, i'm going to share a gobblet of elven wine with Syne. Tonight there is no moon.


  • So much is wrong right now.

    I was with Mirkali in the commons and he asked me if I would like to go somwhere to have a drink with him, common for the two of us really. It was starting to just become something to do every tenday.

    We headed to the bathhouse and he bought me a bathing gown. It is a bit big on me, but i'm sure to grow into it.

    He asked me what I wanted to drink and showed me everything he had, he had a beautiful black bottle at the bottom, hidden away. I picked it and he told me not to drink from it. I took a taste with my pinky and… it sent a shiver up my spine, my legs felt tingly and... it was addictive. I took a sip from it and he took the bottle quickly away from me.

    Thats really... the last thing I can remember clearly, I recall water, rubbing, sensations and just... new things I cannot write, they were... amazing.

    When I woke up i found myself in Mirkali's bed, my tunic was off and he was sleeping on the floor. I quickly clothed myself and he woke up, he started to tell me how things got bloody after it was my first time...

    then how I confessed my love to him.

    I found out he was just jesting me, we didnt sleep together but I freaked out, I felt odd and told him I was happy that at least it I slept with someone I loved.

    fark me.

    He found out that I loved him, that I love him.

    He at first looked... dissapointed, but walked me outside and told me he didnt want to be involved in a relationship, that his last girlfriend killed herself, and the one before ran away with a demon or some shite.

    Just because is almost 30 and I am almost 16 means nothing to me, what are a few years?

    I might give up my gift for him... for him . she writes again, harder on the paper

    Though time is still against me, now I have more to worry about, it's going to be odd seeing him…

    --Love Abiie.


  • I'm really loosing what I have been trying so hard for. My headaches are slowly getting easier and easier to deal with except… Im starting to have second thoughts about my gift.

    Mirkali, a bard I have been sharing a room on and off with when I want a break away from Syne is...

    There is something about him, he just brings a weird feeling to me. He... made me not want to use my dark magics, instead... I think I want to do something else with my life. I am starting to find joy in things I never used too.

    I never liked music, ever since my bitch of a mother betayed me, but listening to him playing is... is good.

    Is this love? I doubt it, love would be more direct. Or would it?

    How would I know anyway. I'm 15. Well, almost 16 I guess. Maybe I should seek a Sunite or tell Mirkali. But he probably has older, more quote developed unquote woman he would rather fall in love with anyway. I should stick to men my own age.

    Though only time will figure this out. My head hurts from some ale and weird black drink I had earlier last night. I'm going to lay down

    • Love Abiie.

  • Dear diary, today is the first… ugh, full moon.

    I am starting to become home sick. I love Synes residence and I am lucky to have it for the morning, but I think I might just want a change of pace for a little. Sir Syne appears to really like me, he thinks im quiet and neat.

    Which I am.

    I might send a note to Mister Mirkali and ask to stay with him for a little, though he says I can trust him I really don't know. My headaches are getting really annoying but I think my mind is starting to work her weave into it finally.

    I will just stay strong, not much else to write about. Syne has been too busy to write about and I cannot really leave his room for fear I will be noticed. I think I will send Mirkali a note. It should be neat.