3. The Journal of Elor

The Journal of Elor


  • Choice and Consequence

    Kerrith, an uthgar tribal woman spoke with me some days ago. And she gave me the first decent advice on the subject of the demon that I've heard so far. From what I can gather, she struggled with a spirit inside as well, a so-called Black Raven totem. I don't know exactly what this is, but the way she described it sounds a lot like the demon in me. She suffered from the pain too, but she learned to embrace, not fight her spirit.
    She told me, and I know and feel she is quite right, that if I would stop fighting it constantly, and allow it to roam freely now and then until it is sated again and returns to it's "cage", I would be able to live with it.
    I would no longer be in fear of losing control to it, as the demon and me would not try to control each other, but simply to cooperate. I would allow it to quell it's urges when it needs to, and in return it grants me my spells. Also, I would be the one to choose on who or what to unleash it.

    This may sound like simply giving in to the small-minded, but I can't help considering the potential. After all, I cannot control it, that is true, but I do not need to. I need to simply point it in the right direction and unleash it.
    The more I consider this possibility, the better I feel about it, and it seems that the demon, as always, is listening to my thoughts… Because the more convinced I become this is a good choice to make, the less the pain becomes. It too seems to realize it is beneficial to us both.

    I still need to get another opinion on this. Maybe I'll find Natanya, or someone else and hear what they have to say. And Mingal.. I need to talk to Mingal.

    But the choice comes down to this:
    One, I go trough with the ritual, in the risk that it might kill me, or worse. If it succeeds as planned, the demon is removed... untangled from me. I will probably lose my spellcasting ability (now there's a laugh: a sorcerer without spells), and I'd be left with the stigma of demon-boy, a large portion of friends I lost because of this.. not to mention Keira. But I'd be free of it, and wouldn't have to worry about it.
    Two, I call of the ritual (and this might get me some odd responses), learn to cooperate with the demon inside, so that it benefits both me and it. It isn't about taking over or dominating people, it's about carnage and the fulfillment of its dark urges. It doesn't care who or what it kills, so this indifference could make it a powerful force to use against the right opponents.. However, what if I am wrong, or not strong enough to maintain this balance? Then I risk losing myself to it completely.
    It would be the choice of safety and a guaranteed trivial life over a great potential, although a somewhat risky path.


  • Ritual

    I talked to Khaya, and she said the ritual is nearly prepared. It could take place at the Friars', and it would require for some faithful and good friends to be there. Faithfuls and good friends.. who to choose?

    I met Keira in the Nars again. One final kiss, and now we're on a "break". I stated I just needed some time for myself, to find out who I am and what I want, after which I'll make a decision on whether or not to go back to her. This is true, but I doubt at this point we'll get back together….

    There's something on the wind lately. A slight disturbance in the Weave which others don't seem to notice. Someone.. something is watching me, but I don't know who... I've been having some strange ideas lately, and although I can't explain where they come from or what they mean, they seem to make sense, even though I don't know in what way.

    And then there was an adventure in the crypts. Zombies, strange voices and crushing lids... nothing to special or spectacular. Some people wanting to be heroes, while they should just high-tail it out of there.
    Religiously-justified stupidity seems to be a common trait amongst Paladins and other so-called "holy warriors". Why are they all so eager to die for "the cause"? Do they even know what this cause is themselves?

    And I keep wandering around. Kill a few goblins. Kill a few spiders. Kill a few orcs. Make a coin or two in doing so. Is this how my life's going to be? I can't help wondering if the ritual won't drain my power along with the demon.

    I've been paging trough this journal, and I think I'll just burn it after the ritual. Little need to dwell on the past.


  • Broken

    Keira came back. And things were good for a while. There was a tournament just a day ago, and the fool I am took part. I knew I wasn't the greatest warrior, but I would have tought to at least last longer than this.. I got my behind kicked thoroughly and handed back to me. I got a few spells off, but that was it. And Keira was standing there on the side lines, cheering on everybody but me, urging them to gang up on me.

    Betrayal is the worst pain. And I've had enough of pain. This has to end. Whatever dream I was in has ended, and I'm left broken. I'm not sure what will happen now. I'm having the worst pain so far.. humiliation, coupled with her betrayal. The Taint noticing my weakness and joining in. So now I'm nearly passing out here on the inn bed.
    There has to be a purpose to all this.. Am I just meant to suffer for the rest of my life? I don't believe that. I don't want to believe that.

    Damn it all. Damn them all to the hells. She wanted me to learn trough the pain? Well I did. Stay alone. Worry about yourself, and then of others. That's what she tought me. Hard words that have finally begun to get trough to me.


  • Numb

    The pain has lessened lately. I'm not sure why, but I think I might have just grown accustomed to it. I find it hard to believe the demon spirit would be weakening, especially since there is now a ritual being prepared to cast it back into the Abyss. It's nearly finished now, just a few more weeks. On the other side, I've become a bit numb it seems. I hardly seem to notice casual wounds at all lately. Just yesterday, Noria pushed me off a tower at the north gate, and I barely felt anything at all, even though I could hear one of my ribs breaking…

    It's strange, but I feel more relaxed. The night sky has never seemed so beautiful, and I'm beginning to get my appetite back, although I still hardly sleep at all. It's getting easier to focus again, so I've resumed my studies at the Academy, although only lightly. I'm pleased at this development, but I still want the ritual to be done. Maybe the Taint is just resting and gathering strength for something new.

    Keira is still gone, and I'm beginning to have doubts about her... Why would she just leave like this and not let me know why? Doesn't she trust me? Does she just want to get rid of me? She's been gone for weeks, almost two months now. Maybe I was wrong about her. And even if I'm not, my life and the time we can spend together is just a flicker of a candle compared to her life... Maybe I should walk away and forget about her, however hard it may seem.


  • Destiny

    I talked to Attentus. I talked to Miranda, who talked to Khaya for me. A ritual is underway, and soon I'll face my destiny. Will the taint be cleansed or will I stay in this form forever. While I was walking trough the Nars with Mingal, we found the maimed and crucified bodies of Anakore, Natanya and others in the tower just south of the city.

    For a moment I thought I had walked into one of my nightmares come true. Fire surrounding the gates. The moaning, near dead bodies hanging nailed to the wall. The blood so thick on the floor it covered the stone completely. We took them down carefully, taking them to the temple.

    The whole scene left…an impression with me. Perhaps it is just an event that took place, I knew that the city had trouble with the lizards.
    But it was also something else. A sign. If I fail...to contain this beast.
    If the ritual fails. It'll be me nailing them to the walls. The city will fall to rain of hellfire, and the rivers shall run red with the blood of children.
    The fire I hold. The fire I feel.
    It'll spread to the farthest reaches of this land, and beyond.

    I can't let that happen. So much of me has already been corrupted,
    but my core stands vast. Trough trial and tribulation. Trough pain and fire. I have a duty to keep. If the ritual fails, I cannot continue to exist. My sacrifice will save hundreds. Maybe my soul shall travel to the abyss, to burn for all eternity. For my sins.

    But I can't fail. I won't let myself fail. I've come too far and been trough too much to fail now. They're counting on me. I can't fail them.
    It is time I pay off my debt of blood and life. Of gold and sword.


  • Pain

    It has been weeks since my last drink. I've given it up. At least I try. My head is thobbing constantly, and I hardly sleep at all, or force food down my throat. The burning causes me near constant agony now… and it's getting hard to keep my pain hidden from others. Tris has left me to become...something. It is better this way. But the longer I go without, the worse the burning gets. I'm going mad, and now it seems Keira is gone as well... I've become frustrated by failure in my studies. The portal project is nearly impossible. Creating a portal, what was I thinking? The last of the portals was created ages ago.
    I don't know what to feel or think or believe anymore. Nothing seems real. There is no right or wrong anymore, and all I do is stray. I have nothing left. No line to guide me, no handle to hold myself above the dark. It's just a matter of time now. Soon I'll finally lose this fight. I've run out of ideas. I'm going to talk to Attentus, and Mariston about it. Perhaps the arcane or the devine can offer me some solution. Perhaps this Taint can be removed, or at least supressed. If it can be removed, then perhaps I can also finally put this thing with my father behind me. If it can't..
    And there's something else... something is calling me. It's not my father, it's not the Blood, it's something different. There's something familiar about it, yet I can't place it. The call stirs me to the core, but it seems to come from all directions. Has Ikurus found a way to reach out of his jail? Or is it something else? An omen of things to come?


  • Freedom

    I was released two days ago, and I've never been so glad to feel the rain on my face again. I went with Keira, and after feeding from her most happily, she helped me in the first step of my refocus. She cut something in my shoulder. It hurt, but the real pain didn't come until she poured something stinging in the wound. A combination of pepper and salt. Even after two days, it still stings, causing my shoulder and arm to twitch from time to time. But it's no longer a sharp pain, but a constant itching now… I don't think it'll end anytime soon, with the salt inside the wound. She also put some ink in the cuts. As it slowly closes up, a grey figure becomes outlined, cut into the flesh. It looks like a nine-tailed whip. Most appropriate, considering the whip-scars on my back.

    After the cutting, I ran into Gond again. She was crying frantically, and soon ran off to hide up in a tree. Something has changed in her. She said she can no longer love me, but perhaps it is for the best. I don't even know how I feel myself, and I don't need another problem right now. I hope she's alright though, and perhaps she can find some peace with her sister, Fadia.

    In between the twitching of my arm and thinking about all that has happened, I've resumed my project. It might be harder than I already thought. The amount of magical energy required is far beyond my current capabilities, and I doubt even the headmaster alone can do it. It'll take a concentrated effort to create this gateway, but I do believe it's possible.
    I've also found evidence that creating this gateway will require a number of components, but the exact list of these is missing... Perhaps removed so that nobody would be able to create one?


  • Captivity

    I'm in jail right now. And I got myself in here. A full week, locked away behind bars. It's only been a day so far and I already feel edgy… I can only imagine how Ikurus must feel... five years in prison.

    It started out so simple. A game of catch gone wrong. Gond showing up at the wrong moment, ramming a sword into my gut. The blood taking over. And then I came too in the Norwick Jail with a bandage around my gut and a big lump on the back of my head. I'm not doing well at all. The blood's call is much stronger than I thought. Even if my father would die, would it end this call? I doubt so.
    I don't wish to lose everything, but I realize more and more I might have to turn my back and walk away. To seperate myself from who and what I love. I'm a threat to everything. It is fortunate my recent death robbed me of much of my magical power, or I'm sure it would have been much worse... the Blood doesn't care about Wild Magic..

    At least this gives me several days to think. Maybe the peace and quite, as much as I'll get it with Gond banging the bars in the other cell, will give me some insight.

  • The Halfling Defence League

    Improve it? Man, you're already putting my stories to shame, nuts to you if you think I'm going to help them get BETTER. 😛

    Really though, I love these stories. Just keep listening to that muse, buddy.


  • War

    He did it again. My father attacked me trough Tris. She coughed up a piece of metal, that was blocking her throat and threatened to kill her. On it, his arcane symbol. It's a declaration of war. No more quarter will be given. I cannot sit by and wait for him to come here, whilest he tortures my friends and threatens everything I've come to hold dear.
    There is a way.. it is possible to create a portal, a tunnel between Narfell and Waterdeep, trough the Astral Plane. I've read about it, and I think it's possible, if the more powerful casters of the Keep would help. Then I can take this fight to him, and end it before he causes anymore harm. End it, one way or another. I'll kill him and stop his terror, or die in the attempt. Either way, I win. My father's reign ends and I've stopped the threat.
    But I still have a lot of work to do before that.

    Tris has become dear to me, now that's she's shared her blood with me. I don't know why I feel like this… I love Keira, but I can't stop thinking about Tris... Could it be that the blood creates some sort of bond? Or does it merely amplify feelings which were already there?
    There are so many properties of the Blood I've yet to explore. It's not just a mere amount of fiendish blood that causes this. It's also the magical infusion, and something else. I lost control again a few days ago. I don't know why I let myself slip like that, my humanity the only thing that stopped me from burning down Jiyyd and killing everybody in the town. A cold reminder of what I am, and the lack of focus and control I still have. I feel I've reached an impasse. I cannot grow stronger in magic without tapping into the Taint further, but at greater risk.

    There are so many people..so many friends that are counting on me. I cannot fail them. Keira, Tris, Yolanda, Dante, Gears, Elanor, Samus, Gilda, Ikurus, Gond, Zy, Mingal, Mariston and so many more.

    If I fail... I must not fail.

    (Feel free to add comments if you want to, it'll only help me improve my writing 🙂 )


  • Refocus

    My father took Tris… he possessed her, and spoke to me trough her.
    He even made her stab myself. Fortunatly I was able to heal her before she could bleed to death. She suffers now, and it's all because of me...of my taint.

    I went briefly mad yesterday. I was talking to Keira and Elissa, already angered at that point. I no longer knew what to do, and lost myself. I threw everything - including what I wore - at Keira, stating it would do me no good, and begun running around bashing my head into everything, bleeding from a self-inflicted cut on my arm, and the wound on my head. Before I knew it, I passed out, only to come to tied up, sitting against the nearby cliff wall. I've been such a fool. The knowledge of what I am shook up up my path, and I've been lost ever since. But now, I think I'm finally finding my balance back.

    I need to learn to handle this taint. Stop fighting it all the time, as it will just burn harder if I do. I'm going to focus on my magical talents...my bardic days have gone by, unfortunate if it may be. With focus, I can learn to harness the power within without losing control to it. Although I doubt some things will remain... the Hunger... I can learn to control it, so it doesn't control me...

    Keira..and Elissa left me there, still tied up and practically naked. Fortunatly for me, a passing hin from the Valley noticed and freed me. It was a most embaressing moment, but perhaps I needed somebody to slap my face and wake me up a time....

    And perhaps a little modesty would be good as well. I've only just begun exploring my power... and my I got carried away by my initial success. But in the end, they are nothing but minor cantrips...


  • I can control it. Yes, I can control this taint in my blood. I learned I can not only use it to burn, but also to heal. Not much, a few minor cuts, but still… It's given me new hope. I'm no slave to this power, to this taint. With focus and dedication, I can learn to control it. I doubt the hunger will go away, but I can lessen it. I don't need to let it guide me....
    For the first time in months, I don't feel like I'm losing everything. And yet, on the other hand I'm so tired. So tired of struggling against myself. So tired of everything and everyone. Nethior, my imp, has returned to me, as has much of my spellcasting ability.

    The fools of the Bard College will burn. They need to see the error of their ways. And I still have so much to do...
    Time is always against me. And I can feel my father's eye on me at all times. Well... I'm ready for him. Let him come and try and claim me. I'm no longer afraid. I have many friends here, and I'm not some weak whelp he can just brush away. I have the advantage of fighting at home. He has nothing but greed and corruption. Let him come.


  • Fear

    I'm afraid. Afraid of myself. Afraid of those around me. I'm afraid I'll lose control. My thoughts have become…erratic. One minute I'm out in the forest, slaying deers with magic, just because I can. The other, I'm wrestling a hin in the middle of the town, having a great amoung of fun. I give aid to wounded, whilest I feel the stronge urge to finish them off.

    I am no longer myself. Twisted by vile blood and magics. On one hand I like the power, and do what I need to feed that burning hunger. On the other, I'm mortally afraid of it. Afraid that it will inevitably consume me. Just a few days ago, Belade, a young paladin girl, terrified me to the core. She did not understand my fear, but I felt her gaze piercing my flesh and seeing my taint. I was afraid she would know of my...dark secret.

    Everything changes, and I feel without guidance. I feel lost, alone in the dark.
    Should I return to my love for music? I still enjoy songs as much as I did before, and they seem to calm down even that burning inside me. When I'm alone, I play quietly. Sad songs, for sad days. Somehow, they make me feel less hopeless. An expression without words.
    Should I focus on my power? At the risk that it consumes me from within?
    Should I seek release from this taint, at the risk of losing my potential?


  • He came to me. The small demon imp answered my call. Although I felt an anxiety at first, I quickly realized it was right. This companion, this familiar was the most obvious for one such as myself. My power had been growing, and I knew it wouldn't be long for one such as he to seek me out. He is with me now, to call upon whenever I require. Others might not take too kindly on him, but they are guided by prejudice.

    Just like those fools from the Bard College. I am stripped of my rank of Apprentice for speaking up for Mingal, who has long been a friend. Apparantly, a gem imbedded in his palm might hold a demon, so understandibly I chose his side in a discussion. When the discussion turned into an arrest attempt, Mingal simply walked away, brushing past guards. He is right to do so. Why should he allow himself to be caged? He has done nothing wrong. But because he left, I am now no longer an Apprentice. It matters not however. I no longer seek to improve my artistic abilities.

    Me and Faera, which appears to be the real name for Red, have searched a portion of the Peltarch sewers for the hidden city of Arnath. All we found was locked gates and rats, yet I am certain one of those gates guards the entry to the city. One of the larger rats bit me, and it wasn't long before I worked up quite a fever. When we finally made it back to the plaza, I collapsed onto a bench. The world was but a blur, until I suddenly felt her warm blood trickle down my throat. As my conscience slowly came back, I drank happily. The thirst was clenched once again. In hindsight, I also drunk the vial of my own blood. This is unfortunate, since my blood will never again gain that purity back.

    Keira has been gone for days now, and I'm beginning to worry. Although I have no doubts in her skill, it are dangerous times, and I need her guidance more than ever. And then there are Faera…and Gond. All three of them appeal to me in different ways. I'm not sure if things with Keira will remain as they are, as she can no longer help me... Yet I do not feel compelled to betray her. I still feel a deep love for her, yet in a different way. One of respect, deep friendship...guidance. Perhaps it is time I take a step back once again, yet I hope we can still help each other out down the road. Once Keira returns, I will discuss these things with her.

    And then there is Ikurus. He has always been cocky and short-sighted. He still sees me as a mere servant, yet I never was. Why did he concern himself with petty theft, when he could have had so much more? For now, his power exceeds my own, but while he is starving away in jail, my powers grow. By the time he leaves the jail, I hope my own power rivals his, and then he'll have no choice but to show some proper respect.
    I wonder what source gave him his gifts. Heritige? Dragon blood? Or something else?


  • Revelations

    I had a revelation. Gond and Red, they both showed me…my other side.
    The darkness within craves for blood, and murder. It feels this dull ache in my gut, this gaping hole is only sated by killing. But even more so, by blood.

    Red. She is my first. The crimson liquid slowly flowing into my mouth, and I take it slowly, tasting it as much as I can. As a lover of fine wines would drink a wine, I drunk her life. I felt her blood running down my throat, into that gaping hole...that burning desire. I could feel it filling every crevice of the emptiness, extinquishing that awful burn. It wasn't long before I was no longer myself. The blood was all there was, and I drunk it happily. If I could have seen myself, only a few months ago, I would have been disgusted. But now, I no longer cared. I was a monster. But I no longer cared as the nourishing blood rushed in. There was only her. And her blood. Finally, I stepped back, eyes closed, focusing only on the new blood, the sensation. For the first time in my life, I was truly satisfied. All other things that I loved, they were like quick bites, compared to the feast her blood had given me.

    I am a monster. A powerhungry, blood-drinking monster. A lover of carnage and chaos. At the battle of Norwick, whilest every one else was filled with doubt and fear, I was filled with a serenity and joy I could not describe...which I do not understand. The chaos and destruction, the sounds of battle, the deathscreams... They all filled my senses and I felt as if it was all right.

    I have taken my first steps down this dark path of blood and murder. Of fire and brimstone. I can feel my remaining sanity being left behind as I do. Will I descend until I am no more than a mere beast? Or is there still a way I can be saved. I have doubts. And I'm starting to wonder if I even want to. For the first time, I don't feel at odds with myself. I have found what I am, and I have come to to terms with it.

    It has been several days since her blood, and the dull aching is returning, calling me to kill. To seek them out again, and drink their blood once again. I'm starting to understand Ikurus, the power the addiction has over him. Yet for me, it is not a mere addiction... I doubt it is something I can give up. If I do, the fire inside will drive me mad, and I will take what I need by force....from whoever has it. I must speak with him soon. The petty restrains ordered by servants of...mortal law... Why should they apply to me? I am more than a mere mortal. I am something..darker now.


  • The power is rightly mine. My father may have created me, twisting
    me into this form for his own whimsical ends, but it is my life.
    The power is mine to take and use as I see fit. And I shall.
    I have tried to train peacefully, but it seems…it feels I only
    get more powerful by taking lives. Perhaps murder and death feeds
    what lies within. For now, I am content to "train" on goblins. Nobody seems to mind, as they consider it to be the right thing to do. Justified murder. But it will not stay this way. Before long, goblins will no longer please the blood, and I must seek new adverseries to defeat. Bandits and Orcs at first, and more powerful creatures if I so require.
    But it is a slow and tiring process. There must be a faster way to unlock my power. I do not have the time for studious research and the careful approach. With every day that passes, the inevitable confrontation
    with my creator draws nearer, and I must be strong to defeat him.
    Strength...from pain. A motion thrown together from Keira's words and my own experiences. Even before I found out who...what I am, I knew it was a simple truth, but only now do I fully understand it. I do not gain strength from overcoming my own flaws, and suffering, but also by causing it. Bloodshed seems to satisfy my taint, and after another battle, the burning inside diminishes for a time. But not for long. A day...two at most and I can feel it again.

    I am eager to learn more. Not from some paltry Wizard, but from those who share the power within, although in a different way. As I recall, Ikurus is one of us. And a powerful one as well. It is imperitive I see him
    soon. But he is locked away behind guards and iron bars. They will not stop me from reaching my destiny however, and Ikurus holds a piece of the puzzle I require to unlock my true power. Keira is going away a few days. She needs some time to refocus herself. I do not object, as it frees me to learn more myself.

    What has happened to the young Bard I once was, Free and careless?
    Now I all I care about anymore is to find my True destiny. It does not lie within song and word, but within blood and magic. My destiny has begun to unfold itself, for better or for worse, and it is time I stop wandering and focus on the truth of the matter.


  • I have talked with Yolanda. She understands well the power within, although I doubt she truly
    grasps the potential of corruption. Her gift is pure, magical, whilest mine is vile and will bring
    only suffering. She urged me to seek out the Spellweaver Keep. She believes they can aid me, but I
    would not know how. Can this taint be cured? Do I even wish it to be cured? It is a part of myself after
    all…a part which I will have to learn to deal with.. and I'll have to deal with it some day.