Nothing serious
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Nothing serious.
The night was quiet and peaceful. She was coming from the Tower. He was going north and said he wanted to go to the waterfall to meditate. But it could wait, he said… It was raining. Their path crossed each other more and more often. He had moved to Jiyyd now… But she preferred not to nurse this idea.
Her heart sank a bit as she watched him walk by her side. Her turn to show him a place of calm, a place she liked. They climbed the little slope that led to the temple and she walked along the cliff, every fibre of her body aware of his presence... Of his hands, a few inches away from hers, of the moon casting silver reflects in his hair.
His eyes… Distant, yet… So close sometimes. She had not felt this since… She bit her lip, a memory of a raven crossing her mind. It was not… the same. Was it? She knew… She knew the truth was not with him… Was it? She silenced the storm of questions that had been longing to wake up in the past few months.
They sat down by the waterfall, watching the reflection of the night's sky in the lake. The silence of the graveyards behind them was like an echo of their own calm. They had spent so many hours speaking, yet saying very few. Observing each other, not daring to open themselves to trust, each calculating the answers carefully, each silencing past fears and sorrows.
But the green eyes were still there… Still watching over her soul and heart in a dark embrace. How could she be so troubled? He was too, she had noticed it a few times. When his eyes were hesitating. And she knew his past held a scar, a loss. She did not really know how he had lost her. But the pain was still there, visible if you paid attention.
He was careful but he was more vulnerable than what met the eye. And she could bet he knew he was.
He looked at the graves behind them.
- Death is part of life, she said quietly.
- Yes. As the burial and tears are for the living.
- Tears are like laughter… They make you realise that you exist, she smiled at him.
- Or wish not to, he replied.
- I have not met such a wish, she said. But a memory of dances around a summer fire made her add: Not directly at least.
Their eyes met briefly.
They had played with words ever since they had met. In half smiles and innuendos. They were both very aware of their positions. And it had made them cautious. She knew the conflict that politics and desire were stirring between them. And that the second could control the first. It was what she was looking for… Wasn't it? Nothing more… But he wasn't blind and perfectly knew the flame could burn. That it could burn them both.
And she knew that if she fell in her own trap… She already had doubted and the green eyes had turned so cold… She feared so much to lose them... She didn't want to… Did she? The Flame then could consume her. There was no other. Once again she tried to silence her trouble trying not to look at the golden ring on her finger.
- But she was a stranger in a way, she finally added.
He looked at her. She knew she had to tell him. That it would help to break his resistance, that it would lead him to more trust. Maybe to share more of his past. She had delayed it enough. And they had learned to know each other enough. It was a story to share at the right time. She looked at the moon's reflection in the lake. The night was young and the moment was right. Felt right. Too right maybe.
So she told. Of Aelen... Of the children's mockeries and stones… Of her past doubts and how she had sought answers in the past.
- For so long, all I had heard… Faced.. about who I was... Or who they all thought I was... It took me a long time still. Even after the ban from Norwick. I was afraid to find out, she told, looking at him. What if they were right ?
She looked down at her gloved hand. The left one. A hint of smile was floating on his lips.
- I realised this only later… At this time, I was.. lost. It was just before I moved to Peltarch. I needed to find… who I was. And thought it would held the answer. So I searched. The books, the archives of the tower… I saw nothing. No rituals, no clues.
She removed her glove and followed the thin scar in her palm with a finger.
- So I just decided to follow my blood. And I saw her. Sad and lonely. And her father... A coward who feared for his reputation… He sold her to this... she held back the word… man who looked like an hawk
He raised an eyebrow, a slightly worried expression passing in his gaze. Still distant… But she had touched him. After a small silence, she spoke again, quiet, a bit lost in the memory of the vision.
- The castle was bright and golden, and she was crying amongst the silks and tapestries... All the light felt so wrong... I could feel the baby... But he came. No baby... No stain on the blazon. He slapped... Hit.. And all turned into pain... I was feeling it too.
She closed her eyes. He was looking at her, as if hesitating... And his gaze was…
- It was sharp and red. But the dream went on… And once again I was with her and we had a knife in the hand. I think she killed him.
… troubling. Or was it the vision that was not as easy to tell as she thought ? He turned his gaze, not really watching her, looking somewhere near her knee at a spot on the grass.
- But the dream was sharper. Our belly was so terribly aching... So we walked to the forest. I could feel her delirium. Vision in the vision. She had danced around the summer fires.
She turned to look at him but he did not move.
- She had danced and burnt for him
He looked up a bit, but averted his eyes, aware of her play with words, hesitating to enter the dance. - She knew of their tricks. She knew he was forbidden. And still she danced. And the rain was so cold now.
Her eyes wandered on the sleeping town. She felt him watching her and tried not to think of the cold city. Why was she so unfocused and hesitating? He knew she used herself as her own tool. Nothing serious…
- Untill we reached the clearing. The one Aelen had told me about, so many times. And he came. I could feel she was slipping away. But we fought. And when the baby was there... We were so weak… I am not sure who said my name. But I am sure of what she told me.
Lina searched his gaze and at last he looked back. His usually cold, distant expression now more natural maybe. If not a bit worried. And he was watching her closely.
- She told me to never, never dance with the fairies around the summer fires.
Silence fell again. He averted his eyes. Close and silent. They stayed a while, watching the moon follow her path in the black velvet, shrouded by a thing veil of rain. She was looking at him intently but quietly, peaceful. She had done well to tell her tale. He was troubled. She could feel he had a lot to say. And that most would remain untold. She had started a breach in their talkative silence. But she could not know how far she had reached.
He was hesitating and she could feel her heart beat faster. Why… Why why why did she feel this storm rise in her… Again the elven eyes came to caress her soul. She was not feeling any guilt… Was she? She couldn't have been mistaken so much. She couldn't let her feelings overwhelm her so easily… Feelings that were not for this man… Despite the attraction… It was desire, yes; just desire nothing more, nothing serious... It was part of the game after all…
Nothing serious…
The green eyes, Lina, the green eyes… She had felt them recently and nothing had changed, had it? Could it change so fast? Of course not… It would all come back to normal. She could not detach herself when she played feelings and passions… He was too perceptive to be fooled. She looked at him. Was she the fooled one here?
Timed caught its breath a moment. So she did. He looked her hand and at the scar.
Focus, Lina, focus. It's just desire, nothing serious…
He finally broke the silence.
- That is a very sad and intense story
- I had fought the dream but it had fought back. And it did not answer the true question. Only the one of my colours. But it did not teach me who I was.
He gave a reassuring but uneasy smile. She return it quietly and put her glove back on.
- But after all those years, it still was... A kind of answer.
- Such links... are both gifts and curses, he said, looking at her. Hard to bear, impossible to cast away.
- It's the way other look that can be hard to bear.
He looked troubled… More than she had ever seen it in him.
- I meant.. Your vision. It changed you.. And your hand still bears its mark. And you felt the link with your mother and past.
- Such scars are meaningful.
Lina paused a moment.
- I think she had always tried to tell. I had the dream regularly but all blurry and only the pain remained when I woke up. Untill this day when I fought it. It's gone now…
She smiled. - It is..., he agreed. But not entirely… Which is good.
He hesitated… And shook his head, wincing a bit. Slowly, he leaned forward. She looked at him intently, filling her mouth dry, not daring to move, half daring to breath. He bit his lip and straightened, looking at her with a mix of sorrow and hesitation. She searched his eyes a moment but he looked away.
- What is it ?
Her heart missed a beat as she followed his gaze. He was looking at the green ring on his hand… - It's this...
He swallowed. - I would understand... she said softly.
The scar of his past… Quietly he took her hand and put on his, so that she could touch the ring. She looked at him. It held a feeling of distant sorrow. A bliss, a solace too… A lot was told without a word. And he had told her about this loss. Her eyes sadden slightly searching his, hoping to find she was mistaken. They stayed, immobile a while, watching each other, trapped in the instant. He knew she could feel the meaning of the ring. After a short eternity, he released her hand, letting her contemplate the ring. She caressed it slightly, brushing his finger and finally looked at him…
- It is a choice that is yours, she said eventually.
- So we are bound… He gave an uneasy smile... Not really easy to bear this ring… He swallowed. We are together, but not quite.
She struggled for words. He shook his head.
- Heh.. I am sure she wanted me to move on, to not worry about this… Perhaps I should.
She smiled slightly. - Perhaps… But I guess it is easier said than done.
- I can talk about it now.. and partly moved, he added, biting his lip. But I cant forget her, and wont
She watched him intently, holding her breath. Slowly, he withdraw his hand and took a deep breath.
- Someday I might be able to tell you how she died... My apologies, he added after a while, averting his eyes.
- You did nothing wrong.
- It just feels wrong to keep this... in secret after you shared your story
She rested her red eyes on him. Did it really feel wrong… No.. Nothing wrong. She had all the time in the world after all. No need to rush him. He could turn away and she would… She would… What if he did? Did it matter that much? No… It was just desire, she had said it already, nothing serious, nothing wrong… He was sitting a few inches away from her, with closed eyes, a bit shivering, as the rain was falling on him.
- I can understand it, you know... And the sun is about to rise..., she smiled, gently putting a hand on his arm.
- It's a very long story anyway, he nodded.
- You are going to get cold....
He looked at her and opened his eyes. She smiled quietly and he replied with a tired, sad smirk. He shook his head. - We should both get some sleep... I will wait, you know.
He nodded, and stood up after moment of hesitation.
- You have time..., she looked up at him and took his offered hand, standing slowly, terribly aware of his closeness.
- I would not want you to tell unless you are ready.
- ... We do not know each other .. just.. a bit…
- I know...
Silently they walked back to the little town as dawn was starting to send golden reflects on the roofs and waters around. They watched each other a brief moment and he headed for the inn. Slowly, she made her way back to the Tower.
Just desire, nothing serious…
Think of the pale green eyes, Lina… You cannot turn away from them…
…
Can you?
-
((original drawing from Luis Royo, modified to add the grey hair and the flames))
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The willow trees were crying drops of rain along their softly moving branches.
And the moon was grave and silent…
Away from the rest of the world... A dream.
My dream…
Maybe…
Maybe it was serious.
-
