3. Old Beginnings

Old Beginnings


  • Entry Seventeen
    _Can a person’s basic nature change over time?

    I find it somewhat amusing that even though I’ve changed so much my mind circles back to that one question, as if there’s more about me and my personality that needs to be worked on. I’m sure there is, though identifying and fixing such can be quite the task.

    This comes to my mind because of some questions that came to light while checking on goblin activity in the woods last evening with a younger friend, Silhouette. Sil is a good girl, and I believe has her intentions in the right place, but I also believe that beneath her go-get-em attitude and smile I believe there is anger. So much anger. Maybe even more than I held inside before I came back to Yondalla and was able to let all but a couple things go.

    While checking for goblin activity we found a few trying to rob whatever corpses are left in the old Norwick Ruins, and followed them towards the mage tower. There were a couple of goblins out there hunting for female hin, speficially female hin that were prettier than their queen, Dafna.

    Dafna, what an evil, vile, manipulative little goblin. I both hate and fear her, having seen what she is capable of up close, even met her on a few occasions. While I know she is not to be trifled with, I also know how vain she can be about her appearance and was not about to let an opportunity to mess with the Vanity Queen of the Rawlinswood go to waste. Sil offed the first goblin, and would have offed the second if I had let her but fortunately, she stopped with the second, holding him by the neck instead. I spoke with the goblin as much as I could between Sil’s jabs at the thing.

    Eventually I told him that we, as halflings, do not fear Dafna, and to tell her queen that. It took some convincing, and some intimidating on my part, but we let him go to tell her that. After that I led Sil in a mad dash back to the Norwick Gates, just in case. Fortunatly, whilst I tarried there, nothing happened.

    But I worry about Sil. She spoke of eradicating all goblins from the face of the land. I see her point in some things, they drove us from the original valley, and they attempt to kill us all over and over by throwing their waves at the gates of Norwick so why should we not wipe them out? Why should we not kill all the tribes until no goblin is left?

    In my mind, doing such a thing makes us no better than them.

    No. They may be prone to violence but violence is not the answer to the goblins. It is something else. It_ has _to be something else. What that something else is I don’t know yet, but what I do know is that violence will only bring more violence. It has to stop somewhere.

    Speaking of stopping things, my ‘friend’ from the time crime department (I just made that up but I love it, if that isn’t a thing, it should be), anyways, the golem that is after me has not been seen in quite a while. I don’t know if he things the price on my head would work when I’m so well liked, or if he has been busy until recently with Talbot’s intrusion on the Plane of Mechanus, but the reprieve is most welcome. I have begun earnestly researching if traveling in time is even possible like I think it might be and so far all I have learned is that I’m not as smart as I think I am.

    What magical research and explanations I have found on the subject are so far above my head that sometimes I think I’m looking at drawings rather than intricately laid out magical formulae. Had I not known this is possibly what I have been looking for in the first place, I wouldn’t know what I was looking at. Perhaps I need to talk to Maria about this, because all I can agree on with myself is that I am in over my head.

    ~ Atel Vai’Sini_


  • Entry Sixteen
    _It has been hard to find time to write in my diary whilst I’ve been on the run for my own life and the lives of others. In the time that has passed since I last wrote on these pages the menace that was Talbot has been faced, and defeated. He unfortunately had to be killed during the final exchange and while my feelings on executing a man for his crimes are conflicted (because of the price on my own head) I also do not feel bad for the fact that he is dead for what he did. I am simply glad that his fate was decided by others and not myself. Yondalla be praised, for that.

    Weeks have passed while I have been moving from city to city, place to place in efforts to avoid the mechanical monster that is after me and to be honest, I am tired of such. I’m tired of running from the fate that I’ve made for myself, I’m tired of trying to avoid the decisions that lead to me to this end and it is high time I turn around and face what I’ve done to myself in an effort to undo it. In my own research all I’ve discovered so far is that I did indeed to the time travelling spell incorrectly. I was so far off in fact that I don’t even know where to begin now in order to create a ritual to undo what I’ve unknowingly done in the first place. That aside, I’ve spread word in Norwick, and Peltarch (where I currently am) for wizards to contact me so I can start a dialog and with any luck, discover a way to undo my unnatural youth. We shall see where this leads, hopefully to a good end and not to my own demise.

    In the mean time I believe I shall head back to Norwick to see if I can get into the mages tower there, perhaps there are books or tomes that hold the secrets to unlocking the spells I need.

    ~ Atel Illiune Vai’sini_


  • Entry Fifteen
    _I am exhausted. There is simply no other way to put it. I have been on the run from this time golem for almost four weeks now and in that time there was not a time where I stayed in the same place for more than one night. Four weeks this tactic has worked out for me and kept those I care about safe from the danger that is coming for me, and make no mistake, it wants to kill me. Some days, I fear it will succeed. My fear has been eating at me this whole time, and may be turning into paranoia. Each time something in the timeline is changed, stopped, or traveled through, I feel it. Even if it isn’t related to the golem that’s hunting me. Every time the hair on the back of my neck stands up I feel I have to look behind myself, as if I am always being watched. Maybe I am.

    This attack was different though. Some of my friends were there. Ros, bless her stubborn soul, Theaon and Z were all there. While the machine was distracted, I fled this time. Invisible and with haste I sped across the Nars and hid myself within a half collapsed home in the abandoned Gypsy Camp. I don’t know how long I was curled up in a ball in there, but Ros and Theaon found me eventually, talking me out of the hole and taking me to the Legion hall where, for now, I will be safe. Though I don’t feel so. I don’t really feel safe anywhere anymore.

    Later, I was reintroduced to the wizard, Maria. She apparently is extremely capable in her craft, and is capable of casting timestop herself. I have a little hope now that with her aid, perhaps this issue with my body can be resolved after all. Though that ray of hope is not burning brightly in my mind at the moment. Perhaps all this running is beginning to get to me. Perhaps my friends and I should plan this trip back through time to stop myself sooner rather than later. Though I don’t plan on doing so, perhaps I should write out my last wishes and will so that if worse does come to worse, my passing will be easier on those I care about. I believe the chances of that to be greater now that the golem has announced there is a prize on my head and reward for any who help capture me for them. So there’s that. For now the only people I am going to trust are Nate, Isolde, Ros, Theaon, Rary, Leena, Art, and that’s it. I don’t have many enemies, but I know of plenty of people who would love to make a quick purse of gold off my head. Only my close friends will see me from now until this is over. However it ends.

    My crisis of faith still continues as well. Lathander is now behind me, Yondalla still has not answered my prayers, at least in a way that I understand. Perhaps with what little time I may have left here I’ll seek out my Druid friends for advice, hoping there is a way that I can be put into such a sleep that my soul might temporarily travel to the fugue plane. Maybe then I can finish that conversation mentioned earlier in this book. Perhaps I should get started on that last will…for while I’m not planning on losing myself to this hunt. It is best to be prepared.

    ~ Atel Illiune Vai’sini_


  • Entry Fourteen
    Many pages, graphs, and other information that Atel has deemed pertinent to her friends is folded, stuffed, and tied into this entry.
    _For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, all good, or evil deeds, will eventually reap their rewards. ~ Unknown philosopher.

    For those of my friends that I will show this entry to, I am sorry in advance. I know now I should not have gone messing with things that were this far above me, and though it seems I may get the chance to literally stop myself from doing so, I felt the need to apologize anyways. Should any harm come to any of you while helping me, I shall be forever in your debt. Assuming I survive.

    Time itself, at least the police thereof, are coming after me. Their orders are to terminate me for “unnatural extension of my own life” and while this extension was unintended, it still occurred. I don’t think I’ve ever been more afraid for my own life than I am right now, and it disheartens and elates me that my friends are so willing to put their own lives on the line to save mine. I truly am loved.

    Now then, on to what I know._

    inserted here is a note on dark parchment, Atel’s own handwriting scribbled out in a diagram

    the top appears to be the prime timeline, A is where she intended to go, B appears to have been written in later to explain what’s going on now
    _As I understood time travel, this was my original plan. The top represents the present we all live in, the future ‘A’ was what I meant to create when I went back to Jiyyd, and future ‘B’ is the best explanation I have of where I actually am. I’m still not sure why I didn’t travel in the portal as intended, or why my body went backwards in age.

    In my research, I’m wondering if somewhere in the timeline, my old self has merged with my young self. I cannot be sure. But anyways, onto the ritual itself._
    Another sheet is inserted here


    _This is the circle of time. I discovered it searching for something tangentially related. This circle is not the main circle of this magical wheel, it is only connected to it. I have not been able to find the rest of the wheel.

    This next sheet, is the actual circle setup on the ground that I used. Each major point on the clocked is marked off with an opal. Whilst the twelve, and six positions are marked with rubies. The center of the circle must be a black diamond, and I have no idea where to find another._
    another sheet inserted


    In order to supplement the arcane energy I lacked with my Song, I overlaid and overplayed, the arcane energy with bardic singing, by using the following diagram as a template.

    Yet another sheet, folded and attached to the previous


    _Using those as my template. I was able to reverse engineer the ritual itself to create what I call a temporal harmony graph, for lack of a better term. Using sound waves as my guide, I was able to map out what I think are the approximate time locations in years from present day.

    Each number doesn’t represent a year, but an event. I only bothered to label the major ones._
    another sheet

    _#3 I believe to be Talbot’s betrayal
    #13 I believe to be the N’Jast war
    #19 I believe to be the destruction of Jiyyd
    Way off to the right I believe to be when I first arrived in Narfell

    The farther away in time it gets the less compressed the events become from my current present. Like soundwaves the farther out the wave travels, the harder it is to hear or access that wave. Which leads me to why I believe my body is so young again and my memories are compressed._

    _Event B, is where I started. That is where I attempted to travel back into the past shown as Event A1. For some reason I cannot yet decipher, when I returned to the present (assuming I have) I instead went into point of an alternate timeline marked as Event A2. I can guess that perhaps the reflection of myself as I was in the original A1 timeline was what was actually transported to A2. Thrown into the future with each memory wave listed above compressed more and more into my brain to the point that I am having issues deciphering past from present. But as long as I am able to stop myself from traveling in the first place, those issues should resolve themselves.

    For now, however, as I face what could be my demise, as well as the demise of my friends who have become my family, I find myself looking for an alternate way out. A way I can fix all of this without them being in danger. Perhaps I shall find it, perhaps not. But I shall continue to look for it all the same.

    So Nate, Isolde and Ros, if you are reading this after I have passed: NYA! I blow raspberries. If I have the option to save all of you by losing myself at the end of all of this, I will do so, and I will not feel bad about it. So you should not either.

    ~Atel Illiune Vai’sini_


  • Entry Thirteen
    _I left the Morninglord behind today.

    I want to say it was difficult, but it wasn’t. The fates smiled on me at least to have Preist Janick be busy with another parishioner when I was there. I took off my amulet, whispered a quiet prayer of thanks for what he has done for me, and left it on the altar. Perhaps this has been coming for a while but it was still difficult, if somewhat freeing at the same time. The old altar to Yondalla in the old valley, however, is long since destroyed. So for now, I carve my own path, and can only hope to the Mother that I am doing the right thing._


  • Entry Twelve
    _It didn’t work.

    All of that preparation, all of the work, the studying, the chanting, the gems, the prayer. It did nothing. Well, that is only partially true, it did something to me, but I was not able to travel back in time. I didn’t save Jiyyd, I didn’t stop two wars. I failed completely. Well, also only partially true. The ritual did accomplish something but it’s something serious, and I’m still unsure if it can even be undone. My body was changed, made youthful again. If I had to guess, I’m somewhere in the range of seventeen. My memories were left mostly intact, though smashed together for lack of a more descriptive term. Memories from when I was this age the first time sometimes mix together with memories of Peltarch from when I was still my proper age and merge to form a new memory in my head where both events took place at the same time. It is creepy, and confusing sometimes, but I can mostly get around it by simply not speaking of thoughts as they come to me, and finding something else to concentrate on. Many people might find being young again to be a blessing but to me…I find nothing but despair. I do not want to relive the pain I’ve lived through since childhood even if it is in a different way. I want this undone…but I’ve only myself to blame.

    I have yet to find Artemis, my friend who is a talented sorcerer and last hope of reversing what I’ve done to myself, but my hopes are not high even he can be successful. We shall have to wait and see.

    Recently I’ve found myself leaving my room in the Bard College at night and going down into the Masters Wing where the busts of the different masters are kept. I’ll sit on the floor in front of Clandra’s stone face, wondering what advice she might give me. When I was this age the first time, Clandra was the one who discovered my talent, and was my second Master, Lunieth was my first. I miss them both, and wonder what they would say to me if they could see me in my current predicament, though they had differing interests, both always seemed to know how to help me see the way forwards, and see how I might make the best of a situation as I went forwards. It was Clandra that got me to become a Sunite in the first place, back in the day, though currently I beseech Lathander for guidance. At least, I did. I have been sitting in front of my old Master’s bust because I already know what advice of guidance I’ve gotten from the Morninglord thus far.

    FARK ALL._

    Atel stops writing for a moment and looks away from her diary, staring off into her room for a few moments and blinking back the angry tears before she finally write again.

    _Lathander has not heeded me pleas for weeks if I am being honest. Nothing I do, no prayer offered, no sacrifice given seems to be enough to grant the Morninglord’s attention, even for a moment. Am I too small a worshiper to be counted? Is it because I am not human? Or Elf? Or Halfling?

    I had an experience last night that has shaken me, which is why I ask these questions. Skeletons in a freak event had lined up outside the southern gate of Norwick, and were clawing to get in. As well as dancing, but that part isn’t important, just a fun trivia fact. I woefully misjudged how many there were because I could not see beyond the first line, when myself and two men swung the gates open to face them. I don’t know how many came straight for me but I do remember finding myself in the Fugue Plane. The intermediary place between this life and the next. I believe I only remember this event because I am meant to, and because of what happened there.

    I wandered the fog and snow for several minutes, getting my bearings of what happened when a celestial gate opened near me, and from it, ran a little ginger hin. She was a cute thing, my size and wearing a tiara for no other reason than she liked to, I guessed, and on spotting myself she made a beeline for me happily shouting that I had served my people well in my life, and she was there to take me to the Green Fields. To paradise. That the Halfling gods were pleased with how I had lived my life. But I hesitated. Though I wanted to go with her and leave the pain and misery that I had both experienced and caused behind, though I wanted nothing more in that moment than to join my people and live with Yondalla, I didn’t feel like I could. Yondalla would know I didn’t belong there. I would know I didn’t belong there. At length, the ginger hin hesitated as well, saying that because I followed Lathander perhaps I couldn’t go with her after all, and bade me good bye.

    I implored her to wait, telling her that I’ve had a hard life and I picked the Morning Lord because I needed a fresh start, and didn’t know where else to turn. The ginger hin went on with a smile about the Halfling deities, how loving they are, how they would love to have me in their ranks. I wanted to believe her, but my heart knew that if I was to turn my faith to the patrons of the people I claim as my own, I would need to let go of the faith I had in Lathander. I would need to let go of the Morninglord. As if she could read my mind, the ginger hin gave voice to those concerns and what I write now is the most clear part I remember of that conversation:
    (Paraphrased because the exact wording escapes me)

    “You know…you could join the faith for Yondalla but, you would have you RENOUNCE your faith for Lathander to do that.” She said.

    “I know. I just…I don’t know what to do. I have no direction in my life and I’m trying to find one. I’d love to have a goal in my life again. A sense that I know where I’m going.” I said.

    “How do I find that direction?” I asked.

    “Well…there is one thing you can do…” She said.

    And then it happened, I felt my soul be yanked from the Fugue Plane to the Prime, and back into my body. I had been healed. But the conversation had been left unfinished.
    So now I sit here at my desk, in my room with a single candle burning next to me, and the pendant of no god or goddess at all around my neck, pondering that question. What do I do? How do I find that direction? What advice or guidance do I need to be given to find my way again?

    What do I do?

    ~ Atel Vai’sini_


  • Entry Eleven (written before she went missing)
    I am going to do something very, very stupid tonight. In my research I discovered a way I might mix teleportation magic, time magic, and the power and magic of my own Song to bear in a desperate prayer of new beginnings to Lathander. From what I have read, this ritual will require many more raw magical abilities than I currently possess, however, the magic of my Song is considerable, and I believe with the proper application of singing and chants I can bring the proper amount of power to bear to pull it off. The idea, is that I shall attempt to complete this ritual that I am to be honest, incapable of completing in reality, but if I can get close to completion I may be using enough power to gain the attention of Lathander himself through prayer. I do not know if he will answer my plea to undo the damage that has been wrought in this land and start anew, but I must try. If _it works I may get the chance I have been looking for to undo all of the damage and pain that occurred since the former good General Grag decided to use the crystals in the first place.

    I do not have time to write down everything that I feel I must, there is much preparation that needs to happen between now and tonight.

    Here’s hoping this entry never gets written…_


  • Entry Ten
    _The school was attacked directly. Talbot assaulted the gates and sent another force in secret to attack the school in his search for Sarah. Many rooms were trashed and destroyed, the door to my own is stuck shut now and I still haven’t been able to get into it. Worse, two of the students were killed in the mad search for Sarah, who still resides elsewhere. Safe. I spoke to Isolde at length about a plan to maybe trap the clockwork soldiers within the gypsy pass, attacking them directly, but Isolde set me straight. Sarah is not the ultimate person that Talbot is going to want, it is her. The wild chaotic magics that once infested Godfreya’s gem now have a home inside my dear friend, Isolde.

    She does not know it yet, but I have an outfit that looks like Aesso’s, and I will dye my hair, and distract Talbot’s forces at my own life if needs be, to protect my friends. I intend to bring Ros in on the idea as well as a failsafe, in case Isolde needs saved.

    On top of this the rift in Jiyyd widens again, Demons are attempting to escape once more.

    All my other plans I’ve now put on hold while I work on a solution to all of this. I have not told my friends of this plan yet, save Art. Whom I only revealed a little of what I am planning out of necessity. I am planning on getting my hands on a powerful time travel ritual, so that I may go into the past, and prevent the crystals and Jiyyd from being destroyed in the first place. It is a dangerous plan, what little I had to reveal to Artimis reassured me that this plan is dangerous. But if I can pull it off then there will be nothing wrong. No loss of life, no friends to warn me. Nothing. If I am successful, than I can undo so much heartache that any consequences of changing the timeline will surely be minimal.

    At least, I hope so.

    I must do more research, no time to write.

    ~ Atel Vai'Sini_


  • Entry Nine
    _I finally was able to get my Ideas for Jiyyd, to build a fort there, and my ideas for Dafna and bringing her to our side. As it turns out, the land across the lake where us Hin want a town built is ‘on lease’ or ‘owned’ by a white dragon that — get this — Ras had raised. Apparently the dragon doesn’t mind demons and undead and what not roaming his lands, which is annoying. I would like to speak to this dragon myself and see what could be done to help my people, and him. Work for both of our benefits.

    In the meantime, I was bored. Dreadfully so after researching goblins and dragons for several hours both in the library and in my room. Each time I passed through the hall Isolde and Nate were necking. I mentioned in passing there is rooms for that sort of thing, and when I came back they were gone. Art came by then and I let him upstairs to help me with some mischief. Once invisible, I pounded on the door several times and hid behind the pillar. No response. I set off a soundburst outside the door. No response. So I stepped it up and summoned Sir Moosalot. My friend who is a Celestial Yak. Moosalot, trundled around the hall a moment, and looked at the door. Then, with one smooth motion, he busted the door down, went inside, and snacked on the plants in there. I took responsibility for everything, and Nate sentenced me to clean the watercloset / latrine duty. I humbly accept this punishment for breaking his door. But I regret nothing.

    a little smiley face is drawn with a tongue sticking out

    I had quite the adventure yesterday. Art, apparently with an unknown source, heard of goings ons in Jiyyd which led to us acquiring some potions, and going out to my old stomping grounds. To Jiyyd itself. At least…to what we thought Jiyyd was. As soon as we crossed the threshold of the town, we apparently were taken to a planer tear. There were demons. Demons everywhere. The potions we had been given let us use some powerful illusion magic to transform into them, penetrating their ranks to a conversation that was being had between two general demons. One of which was a Balor. The conversation was in Abyssal so I couldn’t understand any of what was going on, but eventually the Balor turned around, and the Balor had the power of truesight. He made us. Quickly we scampered and flew out of the town, losing our disguises as we did, and fighting our way through the leftovers of the Eastland war to get to the long road to Ormpur. Our true destination being the cave along the road where according to Art’s informant, a cult was being set up a Demon’s name. Going into the cave, we found this cult called itself “The Burning Sun”, which as a Lathanderite offended me to my core.

    Fortunately, these cultists and demons were not in talking moods as we fought our way into the inner parts of the shallow cave where we found the Demon that had set it up. Whose name escapes me now. After some ill-fated bluffing on account of Isolde and Nate, the creature began to attack. I invoked Lathander’s name and raised my longsword just in time to be knocked back and blinded by a very powerful spell. Isolde, Nate, and Ras I believe were blinded as well at the same time. I could hear the larger demon run by me and swung at him with my sword, but missed. Then, a strong hand grabbed me by the neck and pinned me to the cave wall. Before I could strike out against whatever it was — I was still blinded — something else happened. I could feel something was wrong, but even now I can’t say what it was. It was my memories. My experiences. My everything felt like it was being pulled upwards and out of my body, faster, and faster. The world I couldn’t see felt as though it was spinning around me and after that….darkness.

    I woke an untold amount of time past in the Temple of the Triad, a priest standing over me and helping heal my wounds. I mistook Isolde for Clandra from years and years past, almost mistook Nate for Zyph, and almost called Ros by Scutum’s name. They told me my soul had been sucked clean from my body by a Succubus during the fight. I had died and been brought back by my friends. Ros helped me back to the College then so I could sleep, still my head felt as though it was being split open from the trauma. So I slept. Turns out when I woke it wasn’t in my own room, oops. I’ll have to leave an apology note for William. Later on, Ros gave me some potions that would have been more useful while my soul was being sucked out of my body. But hey, hindsight.

    So here I sit, in my room. Exhausted, but sleepless. Near a source of warmth, but shivering. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be feeling right now, but how I’m feeling isn’t right. I know that much. With the images of demons, souls, and whatever else in my mind still I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight.

    In light of what happened, Nate commuted my sentence to clean the bathrooms. But in light of my sleeplessness and fear, I think I’ll go and do it anyways just to work through my emotions. After all, a little menial labor never hurt anyone.

    ~ Atel Vai’Sini_


  • Entry Eight
    _It seems I thought of a plan too late. Talbot's clockwork soldiers attacked the gates whilst I was away investigating other things. It seems my group of friends and the defenders were able to hold them off this time. But we shall see what the future brings. I am not a very good fighter and it is hard to talk your way out of something against mind controlled soldiers, I should know, but I do possess many enchantment spells. There may yet be something I can do to help those poor mind controlled people so that none of them die needlessly. We shall see what the future brings, and what my mage friends like Art have to say about it. Perhaps the shy Kait who loves to read will know something as well. I shall ask them both as soon as I see them.

    I, myself, have been distracted recently from the Peltarch events. I find myself thinking of the goblin Dafna much. Yes she tricked me, nearly led me into danger and eventually would have sent her goons after me were it not for some enchanted pipes I had, but I still cannot help but think that maybe she does not like serving under her new, enchanted, goblin King. For the life of me I can’t think of a reason that she would have come into town that first night that eventually led to her ‘field promotion’ of the late lieutenant, whose head now adorns a pike near Leena’s home. I can think of two scenarios in which the goblin girl would be involved in such. Either she does not like the new goblin King and is slowly weakening his forces while promoting herself in a bid for survival, or she wants the power over the goblins herself and is eliminating these lieutenants for her own gain.

    Personally, I think it is the former. In my admittedly short interactions with her she seemed to like being around Norwick and away from her people. When we went into the forest, she seemed almost afraid, shifty. Like one of her compatriots might see her with me. I may be reading the situation wrong, it has happened in the past, but I don’t think I am.

    I hope dearly I have another chance to just talk with Dafna and see for myself where her loyalties are, to herself, or to her king. If her loyalties are to her own survival, there is a small chance, and hope in my heart that maybe, just maybe, she can be turned to our side, and that I think would help Norwick, Leena, and this whole goblin business immensely in our favor.

    For now, I shall nap and see about finding my friends, and perhaps a little goblin girl, later. I have to believe in the best in people, even goblins.*

    ~Atel Vai’sini

    *not applicable when axe is being swung at me_


  • Entry Seven
    _I had a talk with a Tyrian today. I did not ask if he was a priest or paladin, or simply a believer, nevertheless, I spoke with him candidly regarding my anger at Tyr. About everything I have witnessed in my long life. Everything that has happened to me, or around me. The blood of innocents that I have seen spilt upon the ground. This man, Ky, was understanding, patient with me, and answered each question I had as best he could. It was refreshing to hear what he had to say, and in my own opinion he may have saved me from hating the god of Justice, regardless of Tyr’s relationship with the Morninglord. So there is that, at least. Though I think my feelings of resentment to the God of Justice will still remain for some time. Emotional wounds such as mine will take time to heal.

    Perhaps this is something I need to speak to my Lathanderite Priest about, I am endeavoring to start over, however I still have issues controlling my emotions when I think of the past. Perhaps I always will, I am not sure. I do know that the Dawn will guide me, even if I have a hard day I know there will always be another day afterwards. I will always have a new chance to restart.

    Speaking of restarts, with the news of Talbot’s betrayal and mind control of so many of the Peltarch Guard, I have been considering the fate of Sarah the former Aesso. I had an idea that I need to run by Isolde because I don’t know if this idea is either safe, or insane. Others have mistaken me for Aesso before, perhaps to protect Sarah, the real Aesso, she can be moved to stay with the Sylvan, and I can take her place in Peltarch as “Aesso” for the interim to keep Talbot in the dark.

    I think I will attempt to speak with her about that tonight._


  • Entry Six
    _Doubt.

    Such a simple word to describe such a large well of emotions that have been kept so deep inside my soul. I have been working, praying, and working some more to try and abate these feelings, but still it persists. I do not understand why, I simply wish it would go away. This doubt plagues the edges of my vision, the peripheral of my thoughts, and now even has begun to affect my dreams. It is exhausting, if I am being honest with myself which at this point, but I still cannot find the reason why I have been doubting myself so much as of late.

    I haven’t talked with my friends about it really. I mean, I have mentioned things a little here, a little there, but each time I’m met with a wall of optimism and happiness that I only ever wish I could achieve. It is hard enough just being a follower of Lathander when I feel so melancholy, but to become a Paladin of his order? I want to, but I am not sure if I can. I’m not sure that I have there wherewithal and gut to be able to stand alongside those he has blessed and be counted among them. I suppose a lot of this stems from what happened to me whilst I was helping my friends in the Necromatic Vestige against Beeble. The Vestige spoke to me, the people within it spoke to me. They told me things I already was thinking about myself. Spirits told me things I had been thinking about myself, that my friends would never truly love me, and that I would always be alone. I played along well enough in happiness that I for a while convinced myself that these voices were wrong but now I am not so sure. I have many friends here in the tundra yes, but I feel truly close to almost none of them. Perhaps I am destined to be truly alone, and perhaps that is where I will ultimately end up. I wish I thought different, I wish this wasn’t the case, but this is what my feelings tell me. This is where my soul currently resides.

    I’m approaching the human equivalent of middle aged now, and have been through more in my life than most. In my teen years I lived as an orphan in Arabel during the Drow Wars, having lost my parents to an attack. In my twenties I lived here in Narfell, learning to love, raising a child, and learning that one should never betray love that is offered. Now, I find myself listing in the direction I want to go in life. I know, logically, what I want to do and why. I want to be a Paladin of Lathander not only to combat the ever present darkness of my home, but to prove to myself that I truly can change from the person I used to be. I find myself having a better understanding of laws and why they exist, even to the point of defending the law even when someone is attempting to use it for their own benefit. I know myself to be different but still find myself pining for those days when things were simpler. Before I made mistakes that affected mine and other’s future. I know I cannot change the past, and I know that I am changing my future. So why do I feel like I should be doing more?

    Perhaps my dreams will yet reveal something to me. Lately, I have been having a recurring dream about when I was very young. Fourteen to be exact. It was a time that was rough, it had only been weeks since my parents were killed in a Drow incursion while shopping in the market — something I do not speak of often if at all — the orphanages were overflowing in the city of Arabel, and though I had been promised food, and shelter at such a place I found neither. My elder sister had been shipped to an orphanage in another city, and my younger brother — whom I had never spoken of until now — was never found and assumed dead. I was truly, and utterly, alone. And I was hungry. In desperation I began to steal from the food vendors to survive. I do not speak of my past often, but I do now because in my dream a detail is different than I remember. Instead of being caught by the Preistess of Sune who helped redirect my life, I find that the food I am stealing is rotten. Every cart and vendor selling rotten meat, spoiled produce, and maggot filled bread. I hunger, and yet there is nothing there to eat. Then I look up and instead of the sun above me, there is a solid black disk in the sky. That is when I awake.

    I know what the symbol in the sky means and I shall not write her name here lest it give her power over me. But I worry if this is a prelude to the internal fight that is brewing in my soul, I fear it is a fight I shall not be able win.

    Perhaps I should talk to my friends about it. Even if I am not close to them, there is safety, in love.

    It is something I shall think about._


  • Entry Five
    _I am a terrible journal keeper. I must strive to do better in such for my own sanity.

    I have not had the nightmare since the last time I wrote in this book. Perhaps it was simply a one off thing. It seems as though it was, speaking with Isolde about it helped me some. Though she was concerned that maybe Beeble was coming after me. It seems, for now, he is not. Perhaps the elven blood in me protects me from dream enchantments.

    Speaking of Isolde, there is a story there.

    A few days ago I was sitting in the commons outside the town hall, nearer the Inn, we were talking about gods knows what. I think I might have been telling her about my ongoing midlife crisis, I think I’m honest enough with myself that I can call it such now. Regardless, two guards entered the commons and proceeded to stare me down. Normally I get along with all the guards, but this was just too strange, and in spite of my own (mostly) clear conscience, I found myself fidgeting, and appearing as though I were nervous. Maybe I was. Maybe they sensed so because a moment later I was being questioned about things that I had no idea of. Then they asked if Isolde was my friend and if I usually traveled with her, I answered honestly that I did, and they placed me under arrest.

    And then everyone lost their minds.

    My friends, bless their souls, crowded in around me while they argued with the guards which isn’t a wise decision, but one for which I am grateful. Maybe it’s my age, maybe its experience, but I could feel the tension rising in the commons, I could tell that if this argument went on longer it would lead to some sort of fight that everyone would regret. Thankful for my small size, I was able to squeeze between Isolde and Grorg (a large orcish fellow) and get between them and the Peltarch guard. What they were arresting me for was probably a mistake anyways, and I had broken Peltarch laws in the past unbeknownst to anyone, so I decided to go with them quietly. I wanted to diffuse the situation. To make everyone calm the heck down. Hot heads make for bad decisions.

    So it was that I found myself stripped of all but my clothes and cloak, in the Peltarch Jail. Isolde, Ros, and Grorg gone off to confront Captain Talbot, whose troops had arrested me. As it turned out, I overheard the guards speaking about maybe getting a promotion for captureing Aesso the Amazing. Whoever that is. I know it isn’t me, but there you go. I thought it pointless to argue with them at that stage, so I sang instead, hoping to calm any in the prison who might be weary or stressed. Eventually that was all sorted out by the guard Captain Talbot, who in my opinion is more interested in acquiring power than truth at this point.

    
A little over a week has passed since the last entry, maybe more, the group had enough information to be able to assault the cause of all this Paranoia. Beeble, himself. After traversing through the realm of nightmares, we, the group, were able to find the necromantic permanent nightmare, and through some careful use of weaponized happiness, entered it. I nearly died in the original assault but was pulled back into existence by Leena and Ros, to which I am thankful. There was many different memories we entered, many different things experienced, and eventually, the necromantic vestige was defeated. I feel torn on the subject, as I did not want to have lost any more people than the vestige already had. But their spirits called to me. They told me I would never be loved. Never be accepted. Part of me believes them, tough I don’t want to.

But that is behind us now. My thoughts about Talbot had proved to be correct, unfortunately. But I shall still working to be a light in the darkness that gathers in this land. I care not for politics, nor those who would use them for their own power. I care about what the law says, and what is good, and right.

For the first time since I was young, I have found myself out adventuring with friends again. Nearly dying here and there, but scraping by somehow. My faith in the dawn and renewal grows stronger with each and every day. I still don’t’ feel as though I am ready to approach my local Preist of Lathander and ask to be anointed as one of his own, though I want to. I work as best I can to look forwards to that day when I might become a Paladin in his ranks. Part of me believes that when I do so I will have completed this journey I am on to change who I am and make myself the best me I can be. Part of me thinks I may already be there but…perhaps there is still work to do.

Though if I am to take this path, I worry for how my friends may react. Specifically, I worry about my dear friend, and daughter of a former friend, Leena. I believe her to be a druid of Talos, I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but if she is…I do not know what I shall do. The god Talos seeks the never ending storm and destruction of all things where as my own lord, Lathander, seeks the renewal, rebirth, and perfection of all things. She is a good person, has a good heart and has saved my life at least twice. But if our philosophies end up being diametrically opposed…I honestly do not know what I will do. For now I will just hope and pray that this is not the case, but eventually I am going to need to speak with her about it._

  • Entry Four
    _I don’t even know where to begin.

    I had a nightmare last night for the first time in a very long time. I dreamed my daughter would not speak to me, no matter how much I pleaded, I dreamed I discovered Zack’s body in the wilderness buried in a shallow grave, and I dreamed of a great darkness coming for me. I ran and ran across barren fields to escape it but eventually it overtook me. That is when I woke up. I wish I could remember more of the dream, but the details elude me.

    For the record, I did not feel better in the morning, if anything I was even more depressed than before, though still able to keep it all inside. I rode Sun Streak into Norwick after a small breakfast of nuts and berries — I did not want to eat from the refugee stores, I can look after myself — I rode Sun Streak from the camp into Norwick for supplies. Shopping didn’t take nearly as long as I hoped it would, and to help myself feel better I thought I’d go for a walk into the Rawlinswood. It had been a while since I had been it the Misty Pond. When it is not overrun by goblins, it is a peaceful area of the woods. I like it there.

    On the way into the woods I heard voices that sounded familiar. Investigated proved me right, Ginger, Ros, and Leena were near Leena’s home in the trees, talking over recent events like Beeble and some necromancer living in the woods. I was still invisible from a spell I had cast earlier so goblins would leave me be, and there was a point in the conversation where they were all saying Beeble over and over so that they wouldn’t forget, so I snuck up behind Ros and whispered ‘Beeble!’ loudly in her ear. Hilarity ensued, at least until my invisibility wore off. Then something strange happened. Goblins were spying on us, but found out. In their fleeing they were dropped by lightning bolts. A third was almost, but escaped. Hordes of the vicious little creatures descended upon Ginger, Leena, Ros and I. I fought as best I could. There were many, many goblins. As I turned from one running away to engage another there was a flash of white hot pain across my neck, and everything spun, becoming blurry on the edges, like a watercolor, everything began to mold together into one. I tried to raise my weapons and defend myself but my body refused to obey. I tried to scream for help but received the taste of blood in my mouth instead.

    I was dying, and I could feel myself dying. I could see dark shapes about the bright ones taunting me, laughing at me. A cold numbness was creeping into my limbs that I had no defense against. I wanted to scream at the dark shapes, tell them to leave me alone. To leave me in peace, but I could see only shapes and colors, and heard nothing soft a mumbling and pressure against my neck. A pressure that increased gradually. Colors and shapes reformed anew and Leena was standing over me, still tightening a bandage about my neck. I tried to scream out at the dark shapes again, the demons in my peripheral but only coughed up a great amount of blood, and was sternly told by Leena to not try to speak, I listened.

    A great many healing spells later found the group talking to the goblin to initiated the attacks, he claimed he was trying to take a wife — one of us hinnish women — for his chief. The negotiations did not go as planned for the creature, and the group made it out of the situation alright. With a tribute from the new goblin clan even. Though the goblin called me ugly, stupid creature. Leena took the group into her home then, and we had hot tea, which felt blessedly good on my throat. She checked and replaced my bandages, and sometime later escorted me back to Norwick where I finally felt safe again.

    I played a song for her, and hugged her before I left. What more could I do for someone that saved my life? I don’t know. Though the group says I owe them nothing, I feel like I do. I would not be writing this passage if not for them. I do not even know what I could say other than a thank you. Still, it seems insufficient. I must find a way to properly thank her for what she did for me.

    It is getting on night again, and I am weary from battle, and from recovering, and emotionally. I am weary to my bones.

    Perhaps tonight will see a fitful nights rest.

    At least…I can hope so…._


  • Entry Three
    _There is reason for hope for us refugees of the silver valley. Work comes along well in the rebuilding of our small settlement, Dram does well leading this people, and it warms my heart to see them fighting on even without us former elders of the Defense League. It reassures me that we have set up a good little group of people, a group that can take care of itself. It makes me feel right about taking a back seat to the events that are happening rather than a more direct approach.

    Though whilst we work to better our lives, to the north Peltarch suffers. There is a mage about by the name of Beeble, who causes people nightmares, then feeds off of them. Fortunately I do not believe him to have attempted to contact myself yet, but I am also half elf, and do not sleep a whole lot. I suppose that to be both a blessing and a curse. I aided the bard Isolde and Roslyn with confronting the man named Tristyn, who had fallen under the wizards curse. I thought we had him when I cast Sleep at him during the fight, however that merely made him very, very angry with me. A shot from some sort of magical rod grazed my forehead, threw me back, and all fell to darkness. Isolde and Ros told me later the shot knocked me out completely. Curse my uselessness in a fight. They made it out, barely, I just wish I could have been more helpful.

    Oh, I also recently bought a pony for getting around, her name is Sun Streak, and I love her.

    I suppose this is the point in my journal where I should begin to be honest with myself. Though I don’t want to be, I must. I am depressed. Woefully so. I put on a face for my friends and acquaintances, if nothing else my own skill at acting aids in this effort. But getting moving each day is becoming more and more of a chore than it used to be. I do not think anyone I know suspects the turmoil and rage that I bury deep inside, but it is there nonetheless. I live every day as a shell of the person I used to be, not really knowing if that’s who I am anymore. Not knowing if I can keep up the façade. Not knowing how long it will be before I begin to feel normal again. I feel the darkness within me, and I feel it claw at my very soul, wanting me to embrace it. But I resist. How long can I resist? I do not know. But I will resist. I must resist, for I fear what I would become if I gave into the darkness and depression inside.

    Gods, I miss Zak. I could talk to him about this sort of thing. He was the only person I ever felt close enough with that I could reveal all of this dark thoughts, pointless sadness, and anxiety without fear of being judged. I’ve made mistakes with him, Gods know I have, but I would give anything for a second chance. Anything to just have a true friend like he was to me. I pray to Yondalla, Avoreen, Lathander, Selune, and Sune that he is alive, at least. Even if he still resents and hates me for what I’ve done, I just hope he is still alive. I do not know how I would react to know with surety that any hope of reconciliation, even if we are never together again to just be able to apologize one more time with the sincerity that lives in my heart, to be able to have that friendship I long for so much again….were that gone for sure I imagine I would fall into shadow.

    Enough of this rambling. The hour is late and it has been days since I last slept. Perhaps tonight I shall give my mind that rest. Perhaps I will feel better in the morning._


  • Entry Two

    _Ginger Tealeaf yet lives!

    My dear friend survived the recent calamities, apparently she and a friend whose name escapes me were trapped in her basement when the world changed. They survived this whole time with some water, and fenberry preserves. It took a long time but they finally dug out, only to find the silver valley abandoned and destroyed, and a lake where Jiyyd used to be. But she is alive, and that warms my heart. She asked about her sisters, Gears, and Talyna however, and I have yet to have seen any of them since the flood. But if Ginger made it, I can hold out hope a little longer.

    Speaking of the Silver Valley, we refugees are apparently tired of being such, and work has begun in earnest to build a new waystation village nearer the Legion outpost on the long road. Part of the forest is being sacrificed for this effort, but it is for a worthy cause. We need a home, and Dram — the default leader — is certainly leading my people towards that. Last night Ginger and I stopped in to see the progress, I healed some of the men who were working to ease their muscles, and I will stop by later to sing to them, and even help out with my tiny noodle arms. Note to file, buy an axe. It seems to me that I picked a good time to finally begin to move forward in my life again, because everyone else is as well. Ginger said that us halflings should host a benefit to raise money for the new village, in the form of a play at the Bardic College. I think this to be a wonderful diea, and have volunteered to head up the effort, maybe I’ll even have part in the play. I’ll have to talk to Nathaniel — Zyphilin’s old apparentice who is now the leader of the College — and see what can be done.

    Next up on the agenda, I need to go to the College and check in. It has been far to long._