3. Diary of the Wild

Diary of the Wild


  • This Skin I Dwell

    Here I am again, my dear diary. Did you miss me? Jonni's fault!

    No, really, things are going great and I'm not having much time to write at all, but today I want to write about something I don't talk much about, but I need to get it off my chest. I think I've hinted at it before, but with all the adventuring, treasure hunting, winning wars, monster slaying, and spending time with my friends and family, I kinda manage to get by it.

    Now it's a moment of calm and without wanting to, I have more time to sit still and think. I'm doing that much more lately, maybe because Jonni and Nica are rubbing in on me… or maybe I'm just becoming a dreaded "adult" person. I don't know, but this feeling grows.

    I am beautiful, my magic keeps getting stronger, I have a wonderful family, I have many and good friends, and I have the most handsome and tender man in the world lying by my side. He's proposed me marriage, and he is going to be the father of my children. So it seems I have it all so... what is it that I want so badly?

    It's just freedom. Many people will tell you that freedom is having no obligations, doing what you want, when you want. Others will tell you freedom is being able to fly. I think I have both of those things, more or less...

    But doing what you want and getting some wings to fly around is not freedom... that's just lengthening the leash. My senses feel so limited, and there are so many laws, so much is about accepting the the established order even in Nature... and my raven wings don't help. Why can't the moon be always full? Why can't my nostrils pick apart every nuance in the wind. Why can't my tongue taste every noise of the forest? Why can't my ears see the river and the fishes swimming in it? I want to feel the world and get soaked in it. I want to caress and nurture it so delicately as rain does with its tiny hands, casting its life-bringing magic, open up all flowers and then filter through the earth, make things grow without imposing paths or patterns. If only those wings could fly...

    And then there is my own condition. That part of me that keeps caged inside, that ritual that turned me into a lie to protect me from what I actually am. I can't blame my parents for wanting to keep me safe, but I've grown up, and I can't help to feel that that I am a manipulation of myself. Those I love tell me that I would still be the same person, that maybe I already am all there is, even with that part of me locked away. That nothing would change. But if that's so... I want to find out.

    I don't want to keep feeling like I'm only half a person because being all I am maybe is too much to handle. You can not limit someone's being, that is unfair, and cruel! It's as if your nose was ever itching, and you kept aspirating, but you were not allowed to sneeze. Only this itching I feel is a thousand times worse, and it's only getting even worse, it's driving me mad.

    The reason I don't talk much of these things is because they are very personal... but also because I don't think anyone would understand me. They would earlier try to convince me that I am wrong or delusional, and I might even feel offended at that. There is Nica and Jonni... I do talk with them, but I also know that they love me and they are always going to be there to support me. But probably even they don't really understand what I feel, or even get an inkling of it.

    I hope I have at least managed for them to see that it's more than a childish whim that I will forget about as soon as I have something better to do. It is about being me, about finding my identity, my place in the world. It is to be and belong. I was born with it, and it is my right to pursue it... plus it's another step in my quest for freedom.

    I've learned to accept that not all quests can be completed, and not all things you do can end well, so I need to convince myself that I can still live a full and joyful life without those things I dream of. My life has been pretty awesome so far, and I'll never get tired of saying how that's in big part thanks to the people around me, that make me so happy... and around them, it can only get better. Who knows, maybe someday the crave will go away, and the itch will stop.

    But for now I can't help to feel like I am trapped in this skin I dwell.


  • Stuff Happens!

    Lots of stuff has happened since I returned from my last forest wander. Stuff happened while I was forest wandering, and stuff happened after, and stuff keeps always happening. I think that's a good thing to keep in mind, that no matter how important, strong or pretty you are, the river keeps flowing if you're not there. The world stops for no one.

    Ever since I'm back, these are a few things that have happened…

    • Explored new places past Orm-Purr (The Coldstones is a cool place, literally!)
    • Went to Mad's village and helped save her little brother.
    • Explored some ancient ruins with a magic underground tower below the cat cave
    • Helped to protect Peltarch from the Gnolls
    • Got in trouble with the law of Peltarch
    • Made Wolfie upset at me
    • Maria burned someone in Peltarch and got kicked as Senator
    • Peltarch went under Martial Law
    • Helped to protect Peltarch from madmen and demons
    • Made Wolfie happy with me again, and we reconciliated a lot of times
    • Messed a lot with the gnolls
    • Messed a lot with the bugbears
    • Met a legendary dragon named Rass
    • Made friends with a pretty half-dragon girl called Liz'Thail that helped us to not be eaten by Rass
    • Went down to the bottom of the beholder cave and killed real beholders
    • Got rid of the Helmet McHelmet people that has been harassing us for some time
    • Went to a party with the Ceruleans
    • Uncle-dad Aelthas accepted to train me so I can unleash myself safely
    • Consequence of the last entry, I started a veggie diet...
    • Explored the new swamp caves that are open and now filled with big lizard and snake people
    • Helped to save a child from being sent off into slavery

    All of that and a lot of other things that I'm probably forgetting, and all while making a lot of new friends together with the usual adventuring, mining for Jonni and having fun most of time... which in the end is the time that matters.

    Sometimes I wish I knew the words to tell my friends, to tell the world and to tell my Wolfie how I feel about my life... but I'm not that good at expressing what I feel with words, so I just say that I feel good. I feel very good, and very lucky to live a life filled with freedom, joy and love.

    I guess what makes me write now after so long is that last night, when we were after trying to help a noble man from Neverwinter with his child that got kidnapped, after some comings and goings we tracked him to the slave market in Oscura. There I saw something I know that exists, but I like to keep my eyes from, because maybe if I don't think of it, it's as good as if it didn't exist, and it won't weight on me.

    But this time I had no choice... I could have closed my eyes, but that was too strong of a lie to take it. Slaves... people that don't have any of the things that I hold so dear, and that I often take for granted. They can't have friends, they can't explore the world, they can't have fun, they don't know love... but they are still people, with their feelings, their needs and their aspirations. At least until they are stripped off them I guess, and they end up assuming that's their life, and they'll never know better.

    I've heard the argument before that some slaves prefer to live like that, because at least they get food and a roof to sleep under but... are they even given the choice? Have they known a different life to compare?

    I had to be in front of some slaves, face to face, to notice that closing my eyes is too big of a lie. But they have been there every day, every hour and every minute I've been running wild through the forest, every second I've enjoyed my Wolfie's embrace, they have been there, being miserable and caged or working as miners or abused by ugly rich men for their own pleasure...

    And in the other hand, I tell myself that's not my life, it's theirs to fight for. Not my problem, so I should stay out of it. But what if I was in their situation? Would I be able to help myself, or would I cry desperately and reach out to grasp at the tiniest light of hope? Or would I have assumed too that my life is being a slave, and given up on my own will to achieve something better.

    That's too many questions, and I'm not going to torture myself thinking of people who can't be as happy as me, I will keep enjoying my life. But I don't want to keep my eyes closed either, there must be something I can do, and the first thing I'm going to do is talking Wolfie into becoming slaveship-raiders. I think it will be fun, and it will be rewarding... if not in our pockets, in our spirits. Maybe if we can bring a little more freedom and happiness into the world, we'll all be a little more free and happy ourselves.

    PS: Rass is so awesome, and so scarily pretty! I wish we could be friends, or at least she wasn't trying to burn my forest and eat me... oh well. Magical snapshot:


  • It Is Not the Lash They Fear…

    So it looks like those Zhents are going to try to be a pain in the butt, especially that Shade guy that is in charge. Like, you know, they keep thinking we killed their commander and we forced the fight that ended up with like forty Helmetheads dead. Oh well, it'll make my life more exciting I bet, at least until they notice they are wasting more lives and resources than it's worth for them.

    We did pay a visit to this Shade with the help of Arelyn or whatever's her name… the supposedly repented Banite who wants her husband back more than she fears Bane. Got to Shade, told him what we had to tell him, and some in our group even offered Shade to help him with finding the real culprit behind the banite commander's death. When we were about to leave peacefully with again nobody harmed, he chose to call on a dozen banite guards to try to kill us. So yeah, they're now a dozen banite guards shorter. At some point they've got to realise it's not working and give up, but oh well... the most funny thing is that I bet in Shade's zealous mind we, again, assaulted them and murdered them in cold blood, and it'll add to our criminal profile.

    To get there, we had to infiltrate the inner areas of Oscura reserved to their blooded citizens, so we took disguises, and I have to say, I did enjoy playing the evil dark witch! I had to be silent, and just look down on people with my lich crown on, pretending to be all mighty and important, and when I said something, it had to be short and to the point, in commanding tone.

    The most fun part was when we got stuck at the gates with the Oscuran guards asking too many questions and looking like we might get caught, since they were looking about to fetch a superior to check if we really were who we said to be, then Hen turned to me hopeful for a way out of that dead end, and I was just like all cold and posh: "You. Open that gate. We have business to attend." And the guard suddenly shut up and did just that! Oh yeah... some mind magics might have been involved. Still fun, and not even Nica complained about me turning someone into a puppet like she usually does!

    Speaking of playing evil roles, just last night I got to be some other evil thing! I was talking with Jonni and he was telling me he's been having dreams about succubi seducing him and trying to have their way with him, because... well you know how honest he is and he needed to get it off his chest to check that I was alright with it. I told him it's fine, it was just a dream, and if they were manipulating him, then it wasn't his fault. Succubi have strong mind magics! But then there was this Mad mage that dropped on us with a explossion a bit like Leanna does, and I wondered if she was Leanna's sister, but she said "No, I'm Mad!". That's a nice name to have! She said she was experimenting with magic and stuff, and she seemed pretty nice too, so I gave her permission to mess with some magics and I thought to make Jonni's kinky dream come true, so I asked her to turn me into a succubus.

    You should have seen Jonni when the transformation was done, and I stripped into my furry lingerie. Pri-ce-less. Mad also turned Jonni into a celestial and I had fun whipping Jonni and being silly. All in all a fun evening, but eventually the transformation ended, and Jonni couldn't help it any more and said that he needed to go urgently after all that teasing overdose. Guess it was my fault, so I went with him to take care of it!

    We still have to decide what kind of marriage we'll do, since I haven't been able to talk to Leena or dad, but that'll come naturally. For now, it's time to go have fun and quit writing!

    PS:


  • YES!

    I need to update this because there's just some big news in! First I'll make a note about those Helmet McHelmet people we met in the desert when we went to kick the necroloser's ass. Looks like they just won't give up and are following us to get a revenge.

    Nica has overheard some conversations, and seems like they even got a soft spot for me as the "insolent woman" who "held me with magic". See, there's a bad side to this, and is that maybe some people that has nothing to do with is might get hurt. But as for me, I'm not afraid of them.

    Nica is worried that they might not fight us openly, and rather ambush us in very uneven odds for us, or stab us in our sleep, poison our soup and stuff like that.

    Jonni in the other hand wants to try some diplomacy. As in… going all of us to talk with them to show ourselves in force, and make them go back home without causing more trouble, maybe paying them in some way.

    Problem is that they are framing us with the murder of one of their leaders, of which we are not culprit. Like, some clever Helmet McHelmet used our skirmish to kill an important officer of their army and blame us for it. Who who knows why someone would do that... guessing it's just some power hungry person wanting a short cut through climbing the ranks, or maybe just a personal vendetta.

    Me? I think the world will be a better place with a few less Helmet McHelmets. If they come looking for a fight, they might just find what they're after, and then some. I don't especially like that some of the people that travelled with us in the desert are trying to guilt trip me about the whole thing since I was the one who triggered the hostilities by holding them with magic. Especially when it comes from people who make an habit of endangering Peltarch and sometimes the whole land with petty crusades against anyone that doesn't think like them, people who banned my father from their temples just because he didn't submit to their narrow minded thinking, even though he's a hero and Peltarch is still standing thanks to him. But I don't care anyways, they're not succeeding. I did what I did, and I don't regret it.

    Nica's own way of thinking wasn't so much about guilt-tripping me, she'd never do that... but she did point out that I may have endangered a lot of people just because I was unable to just keep my head down and walk along when I was insulted. I understand her, and of course I don't like how some people I love could get hurt because of me, so I promised Nica that I'll try to think a bit more of the consequences of my actions in future. Still, the way I see it, I never attacked any of them, and all I did was holding a couple of them with harmless magic to show them that I would not be bullied, then they chose that we had to die for that, so we had to defend ourselves. In my mind they deserve what they got back there, and they'll deserve whatever they get in here. And the world will be a better place for it.

    But anyways... to the important part!

    Jonni has proposed me! Jonni has proposed me! JONNI HAS PROPOSED ME! Yeah we were at his home, Nica was telling us about all of this with the Helmet McHelmets, we had some bit of an argument about our different points of view, but then we always end up remembering that we love each other so much, so I pulled Nica and Jonni for a group hug and Jonni pulled me towards him and kneeled and showed me a small box, opened it...

    The coolest, prettiest, awesomest, amazingest, incrediblest, perfectest, bestest ring ever was in it, with a "Would you marry me?".

    I felt suddely a strange heat climbing up my chest, my cheeks felt suddenly so hot and I couldn't breathe, I though I was going to suffocate there, my head started spinning and I got dizzy for a few moments... at some point I managed to take it all in and regain my senses and I just jumped on his neck with the biggest "YES!" I could scream from the top of my lungs. He embraced me and twirled me around, and the world started spinning in a blissful carousel.

    Wow... I don't even want to think ahead of myself right now... I tell myself that not much will change, because we had even swapped our home keys already, we have our plans in the making to build our own home as well, and everything is perfect with us but well... I guess this is just the confirmation that Wolfie and Kitty will be a happy family for as long as we care.

    I have to tell Leena, and mom... and also try to find dad in my dreams to tell him! They'll want to know, and maybe Leena or even dad would like to do the ceremonies... no, no, I'm again thinking ahead! Just... I'll find my family, and let them know that I'm about to be the happiest girl of the world, and that I'd be glad for them to remain by my side whenever they can to share that happiness.

    I am so happy... just so, so very happy. Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone and everything for making my life a living dream. All I want is to dream on...


  • Lich Queen

    Waaaaaaah sorry diary for forgetting you. But you know… the weather is nice, and the forest feels so lively and colourful these days. I can't keep myself indoors. Soon as I get home from hunting, I step right back outside to get lost in the wilderness... sometimes I don't even make it back from hunting and just get pulled somewhere else!

    Okay, but I owe you, so I'm going to share some thoughts with you today. You know, every now and then I wonder where does my magic really come from. I like to call it "The Wilds", but that's not the same thing as Nature, though I feel like Nature has a lot to do in what I am, if not all. But The Wilds is something more abstract... the pool of raw energy that I can tap into and draw from.

    In my mind, there is a giant pool of energy floating around that only a few can connect with, to shape it to our will. It's all around, and often it doesn't need you to reach out for it, and it invades your senses. Like a scent, it can be overwhelming. Sometimes it can be wonderful, and sometimes nauseating... it changes from place to place, from time to time. But even when you can't feel it, it's there, and you're just so used to live with it that you don't even notice. I suppose it's like a sixth sense... or a seventh! I guess it's hard to explain to people who just don't "feel it". There are those who don't really "feel it", but study it years and years to be able to do what some of us do naturally, and some can get really good at it, like María.

    For me, it's been more of natural adaptation and survival. I remember how I learned one of my first cantrips... I had gone to bed, but I had forgotten to put out the candlelight. It was very cold, and I was very tired, really didn't feel like getting out of my blankets and walk half naked to the candle to put it out, but the light bothered me to sleep. I just so wished that the candlelight would go out. And then it did.

    Other times have been a little more than just me being lazy, like when I learned Stay Still. I had taken a stroll by the lake and sat by its shore to lay back and fill my lungs with the scent of spring. I shut my eyes placidly when I caught a strong stink. When I opened my eyes, I saw the upside down figure of a big armored goblin with an an axe raised over his head to smash it in my head. I instinctively raised my palm towards him, wished so hard that he would stop. And he did.. he froze there, with his axe raised overhead about to come down. I remember being rather confused myself as I stood up and stabbed the goblin in his exposed throat with my skinning knife as he could do nothing but falling into the lake dead, our about to die when the magic expired. I just ran, and didn't look back.

    Other times, it's less sporadic. For example, my "Stone" trick, I actually wanted to learn it, because I knew it existed, and how good it was. I just kept trying for it to really happen, until it eventually did.

    After a while, the new tricks you learn become more of a habit, you take them for granted. You learn your limitations because magic is part of you. I know how long I can sprint after a deer before I become exhausted and how far I can throw my spear, just like I know how many times I can use a same spell every day. I don't need to study it, it's me, and I know myself, because I need it to survive. Sometimes I make mistakes or miss-calculate things, like for example... I can miss-calculate a jump and not make the gap I was trying to make. What I'm trying to say is that magic is another part of my organism that I rely on, a resource that I can utilise to my advantage as needed as long as I keep in mind its limitations.

    I read recently a book written by a city elf that seems long gone, named Aspera. It's funny that I would sit and read a book filled with words I can't understand, but since it spoke about me, it kept me reading it till the end. Or well, it didn't speak about me, but spoke about what I "officially" am, according María. Sorcerers, wild or otherwise, and how we are what we are.

    This Aspera says that even today, after sorcerers have existed for hundreds and thousands of years, it's not known how can we tap into magic and bend it to our will, though there are two main theories. First, that I'm descendant of dragons, from a time when dragons were very common and took humanoid shapes to mate with humans and elves. Second, that Mystra hand picks some people like, very randomly, and grants them the gift of magic.

    Now I'm pretty sure Mystra wouldn't pick me because... well, I've been lectured enough at class what Mystra is about, responsible use of magic, always with imperative reason, blah blah blah... if Mystra had hand-picked me, she'd have noticed by now how little I'm doing in her favour. I can understand she would not pull the magic out of Leanna, since she's her daughter, but me? I'd have been long un-hand-picked!

    So I'm very likely descendant of a dragon... like many years ago, maybe hundreds, or thousands of years ago, a nice dragon turned into a handsome boy and mated with a pretty girl, and that blood has carried on down to me. That makes me kind of curious to know who was that dragon, or if he's still alive, and if I can still meet him and say "Hey! I'm your grand-sixty-two-times-daughter!". I'm assuming it's a "him", because I'm guessing that if the dragon was the female, what would been born is a little dragon, not a little baby person. I mean, dragons hatch from eggs, can't imagine a female dragon sitting down to lay some eggs and when she stands she notices there's three eggs and two babies in the nest... that'd be funny, though! Oh well, I don't even know how that works.

    Anyways! I've learned a new trick, and I think this one is the strongest I've ever learned. I was sitting alone by the Shadow Glen, thinking on the necroloser while looking at the crown and I started wondering what drives someone to give up on their humanity (or elfity!) to just be immortal. Why would you give up on breathing, tasting, touching, smelling... feeling, just to never die. It's like wanting to live forever... but the price you pay is not being alive anymore?

    Then I felt a cloud of shadow magic floating around me. That's not a rare thing in the Shadow Glen, but it was the first time I went there with the lich crown, and this time I noticed a large amount of energy being drawn to the lich crown. Then I thought that I had to try and seize that opportunity.. there was so much raw magic concentrated in there, I had to try and shape into something useful to me. As usual, I just wished hard that magic bent to my will. I wanted it to become useful to me, and protect me from harm.

    The shadows engulfed me for a moment, formed a small vortex around me that was quite violent, but never felt hostile. I let it happen, and after a few moments it collapsed onto me, wrapping me with a thick but weightless layer of shadows. I felt its power the moment the shadows embraced me, I had now my own shadow armour that protected me not only from physical harm, but also from all the harm that would come to me from the realms of negative magic... including death magic.

    Okay, this trick looks a little creepy, and some people with narrow minds will think it something wrong... but since when did I care about that? Since I learned this trick thanks to the lich crown, and it draws on the power of shadow magic, plus it makes me immune to death magic... it could be said it's some kind of soft immortality, so I decided to name it "Lich Queen". I've already added it to my spellbook. I only hope it won't creep my friends out!

    Well, that was a lot of writing. What I owed you and then some! So bye bye for now diary, tell you more soon! Maybe!


  • ::As usual, Elaine's thoughts are rather randomly sprayed across the diary as she changes from one topic to another with no real chronology or order in the events that she writes about::

    Necroloser Down!

    Aaaaaand the necroloser is down and munching on dry dirt forever and ever more! Hopefully. Yeah!

    And I'm so glad for it! You know, this past few months, and ever since we decided we had to help the Huntmaster out to finish the task he couldn't, it's been a constant headache. Not so much for me, since I pretty much just shrug it off and focus on the things that are fun, but some of my closest people just can't get away from overthinking and worrying over problems and they were getting just so sad and stressed.

    Yeah, can't put them in a wrong for it, you know? Because they are worrying for us, and brainstorming to find a way for us to come on top without getting hurt in the way, but it makes me feel so helpless to see them in that awful, gloomy mood and nothing can make them feel better or have a bit of fun.

    Nica took it especially bad this time. She prays to Selûne like I do (though her prayers are so weird.. she never asks for gifts or stuff!). Well, thing is, she took it much personally to help the Huntmaster out, just as I did, but in her own "this is serious business", almost knightly way, and I think she let it get to her head so hard that every time we went to search for him but didn't find him, she couldn't think about how cool it was that we kicked his front door and beat all his minions and ruined his house.. she just went deeper and deeper into frustration and depression because we hadn't put the necroloser down.

    But you know what? I decided to show her how much I care for her, and how much we need her to keep her thoughts bright and positive by making a special gift to her. I had been feeling so awfully bad after I tried to gift her my Moonwalkers to find out that they were so dipped into my wild nature that they would refuse to even fit on Nica's feet… it made me feel stupid, because I made her excited with gifting the boots to her and then it was all for nothing.

    So I made her her own Moonwalkers! But these ones, are special made for her, so instead of fur boots like mine, they're small, velvety shoes like the ones she uses when she's training, with my kitty essence imbued into them and a couple of beautiful details that will always remind her that they come from me, to her, with all the love and care of the world!

    She really liked them, and it's been a blast seeing her kick bad monsters in the face with them! Everytime she kicks someone in the face or the crotch it feels as satisfying as if I had done it myself. And that takes us back to the necroloser... ooooh yeah, she did kick him hard in the skull with the Moontouched shoes. WHACK! Haha! And down he went, and we won. Again!

    I could see the faces of relief on Nica and Wolfie and all of those that had been really involved with this lich hunt, because it felt good to put him down once and for all.

    Wolfie's been a bit energy drained since we came back, but it's just been a few days, it was a long trip, and he carried a lot of weight on his shoulders, both physically and emotionally. I'll give him a few days, he's earned them! Meanwhile he's thinking of taking the mining back, and that means that things are back to normal, and problems and worries are gone.

    Oh you know what?! We found tons of golems down there, but still no chocolate golem. Durr. In the end we all celebrated the epic win with explosions and fireworks and then went back home to rest a well earned rest.

    PS: The desert is cool, but only at night. At day it's hooot. And it's got Landsharks. DUN dun DUN dun.


  • A Promise of Truth

    Wheeeew I'm back! And… I got Wolfie's gift all finished as I wanted it, so mission accomplished! You know, I've only been gone a couple of tendays, but in that time I've managed to miss home so much...

    I think it's not because of how great home is (home is great!) but because how dull and boring Candlekeep is instead... you can't even imagine how many hurdles I had to pass to get the seals of approval for Wolfie's gift, and the whole days of waiting around just because... "this kind of thing takes its time". All the "Please be patient, your request is being processed", the "Please present the appropriate documentation", or the "You are at the wrong desk" after waiting a three-hour queue... At least some of those boring men are also vulnerable to pretty and charming girls and I could skip some steps to get what I wanted.

    The last part about me putting a part of my own essence into the periapt was a bit draining, I had never done an enchantment so powerful... but you know what? It was all worth it.

    It's the most awesome amulet I've ever seen, and Wolfie loved it... I think he never expected a gift like that, that is practical, useful, and at the same time loaded with warmth and love. It makes me really happy how he treasures it and keeps it always close to his chest, and it makes me happy to think that my magic and my effort can protect him a little bit better from harm and negativity.

    I think it's working too... he's being much more cheerful and warm around me, and recovered his hunger for adventuring, progressing in his mining and being proactive in general. He seems serious about little Candlekeep too, and he thinks he'll need around one hundred thousand gold... that's a lot of gold! But since he's set his mind on it, I'll be helping him all I can. Gave him some gold already and I think he's saved around one-quarter of what he needs. We'll get there, but I hope he won't hire old, boring people like the ones in real Candlekeep!

    For the rest, feels good to be back in my forest. I've just spent a few days being my wildest me, in my feline shape. I've described a few times in this diary how exhilarating and liberating that is, and how incredibly awesome it feels to just be one with the wilds, with nature and with the world. Looks like in that, I've missed some things happening with undead and the Huntmaster Sword, but as much as I would have loved to be there, I can't regret not being there. I need these breaks from the dense and complicated life of "intelligent" bipedals to keep in attunement with the wilds and in peace with myself. I just hope I'll be next to the people I care for in the decisive moments, because I know they like me being there for them, and I want to make sure that they'll be fine. But still, I can't plan for it, and I won't either.

    And to speak of everything a little... lately I'm feeling rather soft-hearted. Like... more sensitive and empathising towards others that are in trouble. I don't know why, because I've always been one to think that each one has to look for their own... if you can't survive on your own, then you probably don't deserve to survive. I know how that sounds, and what puts my thoughts away from a Malarite's thoughts is that there isn't any radicalism in my way of thinking. It's just the way of Nature to protect itself from dying out, by always evolving, advancing, discarding those who can't keep up, in a totally not hostile way.

    But yeah... lately I've felt something warm inside when I've helped others in need. It's not like when I just pass on my share of the gold or potions after an adventure... that's not generosity, that's just that I don't care about carrying more gold or potions than what I'll need immediately, and I rather leave the hoarding to others that are more inclined to it (except for gems... but that's not hoarding, I just like them all!).

    Anyways, what I'm talking about is helping someone that that has a need that for me is trivial to cover but means a world for someone else. For example, there was this woman wanting to make a mushroom soup for her husband, and not being able to get to the mushrooms because goblins are in the way. Or that other person that was ill, but couldn't afford to pay for the cure without sending her whole family into ruin... and I can't tell what it is, probably smarter people than I will find a hundred reasons for it, but it has felt good to help those people out when they couldn't help themselves, and there's was nice rewarding feeling in it. I know it wasn't because of how you could think yourself superior to someone you're helping, because... well, I don't need that. I mean, I can make a gesture with my hand and turn a Fire Giant into a statue, so how's that for covering my need to feel superior to normal people? It's more the honest gratefulness of the person that I just helped what makes me feel as if I was a good person, probably a better person than I actually am. I don't know. I know that it feels good.

    I guess I spend too much time around Jonni and Nica, with all their high ideals of fairness and charity, helping others just because and stuff... just not sure if I'm changing, or I've always been like this but I had never known it. But you know what? I think I'm just going to keep doing what I feel like, and if what I feel like doing is helping others, well, lucky others!

    For now, that's enough writing though... I'm going to see if I find myself a Wolfie... I'm feeling like being pampered, and he knows all the best pampering techniques!


  • This Path I Tread

    I've decided to write a bit before I take my trip, because I could be gone for a good while and I don't know when I'll have time to write again.

    The past few tendays have been a little tense, and have made me stop to think about things, life, and myself in general. There have been things trying to pull me from my happiness and enjoyment, and as I grow more experienced with the world, I notice this pattern… there are things that seem to just exist to give you trouble, things that I wish I could just sweep away with a giant broom.

    This path I tread is now blowing a wind with hails, and I'm getting a little bruised. I have to say I've had a few bad days, and I've been in a bad mood that I don't remember in myself. But I've managed to snap out of it, and remember who I am.

    Some people say that hardships make you appreciate more what you have, and nothing is fully enjoyed if not hard earned. Well I disagree with that, and I really don't want any dramas in my life. It's tiring and boring, and those things just distract you from the good things of life. There is room for a moment of sadness or mourning, but I'm done dealing with dramas or dramatic people. I just don't want to have anything to do with them, because they are toxic to my life, and to everything around them.

    That kind of brings me back to Wolfie, because he's being intoxicated by drama lately, and that in turn has affected my life in negative ways. After what I talked about in my last entry, he's been on and off. One day he came and told me he had talked to Elvira, made things good. He didn't seem to want to say more than that, so I didn't pry. I never do, because I know he can only tell the truth, and that some things he needs to be prepared to tell them. Some things he might prefer to never tell, even to me.

    He did tell me something very hurtful in a talk we had by Peltarch's Garden, after he got himself drunk. And that time it was me who kept from speaking the truth about how I felt. I think I told him what he needed to hear, because my instincts tell me that I am the person he needs to receive care and understanding from, but I can't deny that I felt something getting crushed inside my heart.

    His work stress, all that Savras head messing and some things that have been happening lately are changing him, and I only hope that change is not permanent, because it's one I can't adapt to in the long run. I want the Wolfie I met and fell in love with. Nica says that he's just going through a rough time, and I'm willing to wait for him to return to us. Meanwhile... I'll keep his company and cuddle up with him the nights we can spend together to bring him comfort and show him that I care so much for him.

    I already told him that I'll be gone for a few tendays, but didn't tell him why or where. I'm sure the surprise I'm preparing for him will cheer him up, and maybe help him focus on the things that are good and make him happy, and leave problems aside.

    I did tell Nica that I'm going to Candlekeep, to try and bring a special something from there for him. She keeps being my confident, and my safe net, and I'm so glad that she's around for me. Maybe I'll have to think on getting her a present too... she's talked a few times about how she'd need some magical stuff to help her fight better. I'll try to dig and see what she'd really like... but now it's Wolfie's turn, and I have a loooong trip ahead of me.

    What will Candlekeep be like? Only one way to find out...


  • Caged

    Let's talk about fears today.

    Fear of dying… yes it's there, but it doesn't worry me that much. It'll happen when it has to happen, and I don't let that hinder my ability to enjoy my life, and keep looking for excitement.

    Think of it, not a tenday ago I went to the bugbear mines with some friends, in one of those now "usual" bugger asskicking rounds, when two of them sneakers got me good. I felt a nasty pain when one of the bastard swords of the mean buggers went clean through my belly and I began to see it all dark, quickly drifting into unconsciousness...

    But Jimmeh got the last of them just in the last second with one of those killing phantasm tricks he does. I'm alive thanks to him... and I'm very grateful, but I'll try not to tell this tale around too much. I don't want to worry anyone, especially Jonni. Besides, magical healing fixes almost everything, even the wound I got, so I will be fine.

    But death aside, there are bigger fears...

    I found curious at first when I met my double, that all she really wanted was to escape her "mistress" at all costs. She didn't want to be caught by the "others" and being dragged back to that cold place they were from. She was so paranoid and cautious, that she even refused to show herself to my friends, in fear that they might compromise her.

    I thought it was natural to not want to be taken back to that place because it probably stinks, but then I noticed that it was just more than being afraid of being caught, or disliking that mean mage woman that wanted to make her into her puppet... it was fear to be caged again. She had a taste of freedom, she could run through the forests freely, without reins, with nobody telling her what to do. What seems normal for me and I take for granted was the greatest gift she could ever get.

    My freedom has never been disputed, because I've been born free, and I can't even understand the idea of being restrained, neither physically or mentally. My body and my thoughts have always been mine, and that's the only way I've known.

    That until this tenday, when I went to the Misty Caves with some people lured by the thrill of adventure, and found myself trapped in a strange, looping place that had no exit...

    The feeling was claustrophobic and unbearable... the place was probably several miles wide, but for someone like me, to whom not even the world is big enough, and dreams with travelling to the moon, the stars and beyond... I felt as if I couldn't breathe, my stomach ached, I was sweating sickly. I remember running out of ideas so fast, and giving in to instinct... turning into a beast to bite, rip and tear my way through...

    All for nothing, because the solution was right in front of our eyes, and luckily there was someone more calmed and smarter than me around to point it out. I had too picked the trail of a magic portal that could return us home, but I was blinded by the idea of never seeing my forest again. Of never going to the Moon. Of never seeing Jonni again...

    It's the most awful feeling I've ever felt, and I don't want to feel it again. Never, ever again.

    That almost links to the next topic... one I don't feel like elaborating much at the moment. Let's say that after almost dying and almost getting forever caged, I wanted to find my Wolfie to cuddle him tightly and tell him how much I missed him... then feel his warm embrace, his soothing touch, and that tickly air that escapes from his smile when he whispers beautiful things to my ear...

    The anticipation grew when I asked at the Armory and they told me he had walked off not long ago towards the docks. So excited on the chase, I picked up my pace to a dash, and just as fast, it turned into a skid to a stop when I found him caressing another woman's neck, as she had watery eyes. My entrance in the scene caused them both to exchange signs in a language I can't understand, to then walk off in different ways, barely regarding me at all.

    I tried to follow him to talk to him, but he asked me to trust him and give him some time to think. So I did. But that doesn't change that I'm terrified...

    What's going on, Wolfie?


  • Days of Wonder

    It's been some time since I've written so I'll dedicate you some time again, my little Diary!

    You know, I had a pretty decent talk with someone just recently, and even when I joke about it, I still don't know how to address that someone. That's because that someone has been someone all my life, but the things that tie me to her kinda evolved.

    No, it's not Jonni! It's kinda easy to deal with the fact that someone becomes your special loved person, because you know that your care and affection trump everything, and I can spend as much of it as I want when I am in his company.

    It's rather… his parents, and in this case I'm talking about, his mother. Up to now, they were as close as it gets to family. Almost family, you would say, so much that Aelthas has always been uncle Aelthas to me. But now, do you realize how awkward it gets when their son is the person I love? I know it's silly, but it doesn't feel right to say "uncle Aelthas" for several reasons... and in the other hand "Mr. Aelthas" or "Miss Lycka" sounds soooo distant...

    Nica said that I shouldn't worry much and just call them what I want, because they won't mind, but I still want to find what feels more natural. Maybe their name would just do?

    "Hi Lycka!"
    "Hi Aelthas!"

    I don't know!

    Oh yeah, but what did we talk about? Well we talked about everything a little. There was of course stories about little Jonni, stories about the days of wonder of Lycka and Aelthas, and then about our own days of wonder.

    I was sincere to her, and told her that nagging feeling I had about seeming like we needed to be babysit, I really needed to get it off my chest. But she told me that was not the case, and by the way she spoke, I believe her.

    You never know what is going to happen next, and we need to be in control of our lives, and I think Lycka really prefers to prepare us to face those situations than leading us around under the wings of our elders as if we couldn't do anything by ourselves.

    Yeah... I was wrong. I think of it now... so much has happened in little time. From travelling through the skies in the Star Harpy to going into the deeper entrails of Narfell where the mummies await with their mummy lord, and beyond! We've gone through things like beating demon princes, being received by a collection of nice, huge dragons, killing a huge shadow dragon with an army of drow, meeting a friendly Beholder that helped us beat the ugly dark dwarves, our friend the slaad Biznuk, the frost giants in the mountains, the fire giants in the woods, Leanna's show, the charming (vampire?) guy in the college, having a copy of myself running wild through the forests... and that's only mentioning a few because my memory sucks.

    We've grown up too fast from innocent kids playing by the forest to be the main actors on the stage. It is our days of wonder, and we have to seize them, because it is our opportunity to live these things, today and now.

    I'm never going to let silly things and people distract me from the things and people that really are worth living for, and I am so happy that Lycka gave me a swat to wake me from that little depression that began to build up inside me. All I need is my friends and family, the wilds that flow through my veins, and the right attitude to seize this day.

    I have my friends and family with me, and the Wilds mark the accent of everything I do in life. So, days of wonder, here I come!


  • Destiny

    Do you know… when there is something that you refuse to believe, only because you are too afraid to face the fact that it exists? Well, that's what happens to me when someone speaks of fate, or destiny. The only thought that something like that might exist is so against my whole being, my beliefs and my convictions. But not only that... if it existed for real, it would mean that I'm not as free willed as I think I am, that however random and whimsical my decisions appear, they have been predicted and maybe even dictated. Yes... that's the idea I can't bear.

    There is a fact... there are gods that reign over things like fate, destiny and precognition. So those things exist, at least powerfully enough for people to think them true, and gods to claim power over them. And one of those gods is the one that has taken for Chosen the person I love so vividly.

    Savras and I just can't get along. It's a conflict that I keep to myself, because I've accepted it as a part of the person I want in my life, but it's just not something I can be happy about. Jonni has faith in Savras, and I don't only resign myself to living with it... I want him to feel my support. There are times when we've been just talking or spending time together when he goes all still, his eyes going blank for a few seconds that feel like an eternity. I can't do anything about it... I used to get very worried and screamed at him, shaking his shoulders to wake him. Now I just hug him tightly so he doesn't hurt himself, whispering at his ear hoping that wherever his mind is, he can still hear me and that will soothe him.

    I've heard the tales from Nica and Lycka, he's saved their lives thanks to Savras' intervention in the past, so I guess Savras doesn't mean bad. There is something that Jonni told me about his visions that gives me a little relief... the things he sees aren't really the future, just a possible outcome that he can fight for or against, depending if he would like it happening or not. That means that even he can still choose and nobody's future is written and locked... but still, I don't enjoy at all that Jonni's life pends on the whim of a god that represents things that I do not believe in. A god already took my father, and I don't want something like that to happen again.

    I've talked about this with Nica, and I was a bit surprised to see that we don't have that different views on it. Though I think Nica feels some kind of vertigo for being the daughter of who she is, and prefers to deflect all the "destined to greatness" responsibility on her brother. And even though a bit of chance and a bit of my adventurous spirit has placed me in a couple of heroic scenarios, I feel much like Nica in that aspect. I mean... I'm sorry father, you know a moon doesn't go by without me missing you, but I can't feel compelled to fight and sacrifice to save people I don't know, endangering the people I care for because of it. And there is no chance that I will leave my pack to heed a greater calling because my greater calling is here, down on earth, living my life with the people I love. I'm sure Leena will make you more proud than I in that aspect, she's taken it as a kind of personal goal to try and live up to your fame.

    These days I don't even see Leena much at all and I've been feeling a little displaced at times, but Nica has been there for me when I've needed her and without planning or expecting it, she became my shoulder to lean on and my confessor. She listens to me, gives thought to what I am telling her, and then advices me with all that pause and calm that she has in herself. Not only that, she interests herself about my feelings, and keeps my company without thinking me a burden even when I'm not in my best mood... and I know well that when I'm not in a good mood I can be insufferable.

    I think we have made some good connection, and even being so different and having so different tastes on about everything, we get along really well. I think the key is that we both can put ourselves in each other's boots, and understand why each of us feels the way we feel. I enjoy very much sharing tales and laughs with her, she's really good at telling stories and painting pictures for my imagination to fly through, shows the bard blood is really in her veins. And I find it so amusing the way she turns pink when I tease her, especially with sexual innuendos. I may be overdoing it a little lately because she's getting used to it and starting to deflect it so I think I'll give her a break to come back stronger when she least expects it!

    But now I've got to remind you silly Diary: I've agreed to write down a record of the most important things that happen in my life, but not to become your slave, so off you go to the Secret Diary Hideout!


  • Too Fast, Too Curious

    Today, I'm going to paint a picture for you.

    Imagine this little creature, tiny, almost insignificant in the immensity of the sky above her. She lives in a place where nothing can harm her, and she is well protected, because she is blind, but she hears tales of how dangerous and unpredictable is the outside. But even then, she craves for more and one day she decides to leave the security of her nest. As she steps outside, she stumbles about because she can not see… but then, a gust of wind brings a flower drifting through the air, gently landing on her hands. When she touches the flower, something happens... it feels so smooth, the new experience is so wonderful... she then notices she can smell it, and hear the gentle caress of its petals against her skin. She kisses the flower, and it leaves a wonderful nectar on her lips, so rich and vibrant. The explosion of emotions is so delightful, so incredibly rewarding... though the wind is strong and sooner than later it tears the flower off her hands to take it away. But not a moment after, it brings another. Another scent, another tact, another range of sounds, another taste, some more alike than others, but all of them unique in their little nuances and tones. She quickly becomes addicted to the sensations as she lets go of that flower to find a new one.

    But this time the wind doesn't bring a flower... it brings a rock that hits her and throws her into the ground, hurting her. Even then, before the wind took the rock away, the little creature could still catch its unique scent, touch, sound and taste. But it did leave pain too.

    She can see now why others like her huddle behind walls to protect themselves from the things that the wind brings. But instead, she turns towards the wind, lifts her chin and runs against it with excitement. "Bring it on" she mutters, eager to feel, listen, smell and taste. Eager to experience and discover... eager to live.

    Yeah, that little creature is me. The problem comes when the hits come from directions you didn't think capable of hitting you. Then you start wondering how long can you keep that grin in your face. It's worse when others think that because you keep always grinning you are some sort of irresponsible creature that can't be taken seriously. That because you choose to not let problems soak into you and change you, you can't be trusted or relied on.

    It's like you need to put a serious face on, stall your life endlessly to look like you care about it, and use technical words and sentences that make you appear intelligent or important, or pretend that you care about whatever stories other people lived instead of living your own.

    But you know what? They are not going to get that from me. Life is too fast, and I am too curious. I'll keep being myself... and that also means changing and evolving like Nature changes and evolves. I'm not going to be let down by those that can't respect me and my take on life. Everything will sort itself out sooner or later as it always does. As the saying goes, those who sow the wind, reap the whirlwind.


  • My connection with the Wilds keeps getting stronger and stronger. I've learned lately a few new tricks, and I've added them to the first entry of my diary: I've named them "Poof-Proof Eyes", "Disenchant", "You're Mine", and "Pretty Fast, Everyone".

    There's more stuff maybe I should write about, but I don't feel like it. Maybe some other time.


  • Frustration

    Frustration hit my life these days harder than ever. Here's what I hate about frustration… you can do nothing about it. I guess that's part of the meaning of frustration itself, but it's just not nice at all. And a few things are making me feel frustrated lately... where to start...

    I guess I should start with the double trouble. It just seems that every step we take forward, we take two backwards.... I still don't know the details of what auntie Sunny and Lycka found, but last night we were sitting in the tree having a talk Nica, Vashie and I, and suddenly Vashie got shot in the arm.

    We all got up quickly and Nica and real Vashie began to search for the hunter from the direction the shots came. I may not be the smartest of all people... but I am a huntress, and I can think like someone stalking prey. The direction where the shots came from was the last where the sniper would be waiting at that point... a hunter would move to the back of the new position of his prey to strike again unseen and have a clear retreat in case of needing it.

    So I used my tricks to become invisible and unseen, anticipate the movements of this hunter... and with a bit of patience and good kitty eyes I spotted him hiding behind a corner, preparing to strike again. So I got him with one of my Stay Still tricks and called everyone over. It was the first time we caught one of them... the things we could learn from him, and even if he didn't say much, we could learn a lot about how they are made and what kind of magic or process makes them the way they are. Big win! Right...?

    Well... turns out that he didn't say much other than blabbing about being in love with Nica and wanting to get the real Vashie out of the way to impress her... then Lisa seemed in a hurry to take him to jail, and none of us objected or offered to go along with them. I felt so dumb when Lisa came again asking what was going on and we noticed that the Lisa that took fake Vash't away was... a fake that just escaped with her buddy.

    If that wasn't enough, later on there were two Bons in the commons... so again I thought we could catch one of them to ask questions and make tests. I made both Bons still while we cleared who is the real one... and first the senile elf from those forest elven spirits decided to set them free, and then Lisa came and reached the conclusion "well, none of them are breaking the law, and I can't arrest people for looking alike... or you want to be arrested, Elaine? By the way, put your spear away"

    AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGH! Seriously, Lisa?! Seriously? You know that there is a fake Nica murdering people, a fake Vashie trying to, a fake Lisa pretending to be you freeing criminals from your gaols, and all you say about seeing another of those doubles is "carry on, they're not breaking the law"? It just can't be real! I felt like I could pull my hairs off... and no, that wasn't fake Lisa, she told me the codeword later... she's just that dimwit!

    So... the presumed fake Bon said he'd go to the college, and the real Bon saw fit to let him do that... I mean, I understand he didn't know that Lycka is in there carrying out some research, but could really see no harm in a fake himself going into the college to usurp his identity and do whatever he wanted? Can he be that short sighted as well? I really don't trust the real Bon either way, it feels like he's playing dumb the whole time to excuse himself for being useless. He's really not as subtle as he believes himself to be.

    Anyways... I wanted to warn Lycka but I can't get into the college, so I rushed to tell Nica who I was told being in the inn... and I properly ruined her moments of privacy with Vashie. I know they were just cuddling and talking, but the timing sucked... I really didn't want to ruin their night, but I guess that was kinda urgent. I still saw my own frustration transfer into Vashie and Nica as they were resigned to come along and find out what was going on.

    And all for nothing, since the fake Bon was already inside the college, probably in invisibility sniffing around all he could for his mistress... and there was nothing we could do about it, apparently. Yeah, the day couldn't end worse. Or it could... because Jonni had full night shift work at the temple, and my sister rejected my company. I just don't know what to do what make the whole situation better... and it all is eroding me and making me a worse person for it.

    That may be a little more literal than it usually is too. Something happened in the college, when I was at the verge of my frustration and my mind was drowned in negative feelings... there was this book seller being really annoying about us discussing the double issue in the college lobby, just being a general pain in the ass. At one point I felt like I just wanted to make him shut up and stop that annoying yapping coming from his mouth... I put my eyes on him and spoke with commanding tone "Be nice. Now." I felt that special connection I have with the unseen world of magic, at first subtly, but gaining a momentum such that I could feel the energy crackling in the short distance between the bookseller and I. A moment after, the annoying, obnoxious bookseller turned into a puppet, offering pastries and drinks in the kindest way. I then spoke again "Just be quiet. Over there." He took a few paces to "over there", and stood quiet the rest of our stance in the college.

    At that moment I felt relief, but when I think of it now... am I really turning into a puppeteer myself? Right, I know I've used my charms a lot of times, both magical and natural, to get what I wanted. But this... this felt different. Felt as if I completely removed the will of the bookseller... it wasn't a request, a hint, or even a suggestion. It was a plain "Do this, because I command it". And that he did, without flinching, or questioning it. I find it both fascinating and scary... I don't know yet if I could do it again, since I've not tried... maybe I will go test later on with some goblins or gnolls. Whatever the result, and I'm going to promise myself here and now to never, never, never ever use it on someone I care for. I feel doing that would turn me into a cold, despicable creature, and then I think the world could easily miss me.

    I need to think of this all... and yeah, I hate thinking and worrying over stuff. It just seems that lately everything that happens is think-worthy and worry-worthy.

    I still need to write about the charming guy from the docks and some reflexions about people that are important to me... Vashie, Jonni's parents and Nica. But I think I'll do that some other time, because I want to do that with the healthy and positive mind they deserve, and right now I feel too contaminated by my frustration...


  • **Making Choices

    I love how everything that happens is a consequence of your choices. It's just wonderful how your actions matter and have an impact on your life, and takes you through the paths that you never suspected to walk. These days I see myself spending tons of my time in the city, and even defending the city from mean orcs and necromancers…yeah, me, protecting a city!

    And that's because one day I chose to act on a whim, and kiss Jonni in the middle of the commons. I still remember his stunned look, not managing to articulate a word. I also remember that for me it was just a fun thing to do... and I had really never planned that we'd come so far together. I don't want to think either how far we can still go, because I don't really care at all. The point is that in this moment the city is important to him, so now it's important to me too.

    But why am I saying this? Well, we've just come from beating that evil necromancer that has been bothering Jonni a lot and doing bad stuff in Peltarch. For that we got the help of a man that seemed to know the necromancer very well... so well, that the man was the necromancer himself... or at least a vestige of him. The thing is... this man made a choice in his past, one that he deeply regretted. He craved power, and saw himself drawn through paths where that power could be achieved at the expense of others. Only too late he saw what he was becoming, and rejected himself, creating a conflict so strong that his self was split in two. He was then determined to stop his mean self, and when he learned that some warriors from the city had managed to kick his evil self once, he looked for them to get their help, so the necromancer could be killed off for good.

    With Theroy's guidance the city people searched and searched and finally in a last raid where I was present, we fought tons of undead of all kinds to kick the necromancer's ass and finally rid the world of his ugly face. But the consequence of that is that Theroy also ended himself, since one couldn't exist without the other. The regretful man saw only relief in his thankful last words when he left our world.

    I'm not one to be impressed easily, but that was touching, and maybe the biggest wake up call I've ever had in my life. Makes me think on the possibility that because I act on whim and the spur of the moment, I might make a decision that I can regret so badly as to hate myself in future, and make me hate myself so much that I'd rather be killed off than pestering the world with my existence.

    But I've been thinking on it, and honestly... I don't think that could ever happen to me. Firstly, because I don't really have the dedication to become a long-term threat for anyone, or even to myself. But more than that... I am surrounded by people that love me and would never let me fall that deep into the darkness. The idea does pinch in my inner thoughts... maybe I should try and think ahead a little more, not like calculating the possible outcome of every of my actions, but at least trying to use common sense more often.

    But I think of the paths I've already walked, and I don't find regret in any of them. Maybe sometimes I would have done some things differently... but who wouldn't? Everything is easier to judge on hindsight. I am the genuine product of my actions, unfiltered by rules of convenience or appearance, without wondering what's correct and what's appropriate, and that's the only way I can be proud of myself. I risk making mistakes every day, and I make them, and they define what I am, which is also a good thing.

    What about making serious mistakes that could hurt others, and ruin the life of many people? For that, I'll trust my friends and family. They will keep me from hurting anyone, including myself. I know they will never fail me, as I would never fail them.

    PS; If this trend of serious deep stuff in my diary keeps up, I swear I'm just going to burn it down.
    PS2; Need to ask Jonni or his mom about my new spear. It's got the symbols of all the gods of Nature in its shaft, and I'm so thrilled to know...

    XP pending - Given**


  • All Stays in the Family

    Now that Jonni is back in scene, I think it's time that I write this down. He's been having some hard time with his visions and stuff, getting headaches and barely being able to move from his bed. That sucks and I feel for him, but I've also noticed in this time without him that I want to be the one who takes care of him when he feels sick, or even be the one that brings him his chicken soup in his bed and make sure that no one bothers him.

    Now… I am sure that his mom will disagree with that... and it's also a big step for our relationship, but as I tend to not overthink things before saying them, I went ahead and told him that I'd like him to move over to my place.. at first subtly, maybe just bringing a change of clothes and his toothbrush, but eventually making it permanent.

    There has been some trouble in the city and afterwards I brought him to the park so we could lay down quietly while he got over some nasty mummy rot from one of the deaders, and there, holding him close, I noticed that something is amiss. I'm not like settling down and giving stability to my life... I like feeling the rush of the moment, riding life in a shooting star with its hills and its valleys, but somehow it feels right to spend time with my Wolfie and it both energises me and scares me. He gives me a feeling of safety and warmth that I can't pull myself away from... there is something telling me that I shouldn't do this... but I want to.

    What I don't want is to make any plans, or define a path to follow. If he'll want to take this step, if he'll manage to convince his mom that living with me is a good idea and it's what he wants, I want us to still take each one day at a time, and squeeze every moment out of life. I need to make sure that he feels the same way as I do, so that we can both pull in the same direction, but without giving up on who we are and that unique and beautiful contrast that we make.

    Leena has already agreed that she doesn't mind if he comes over more often, or even if he fully moves in, and that makes me happy because her approval is the most important thing to me when trying to make decissions. She's really wonderful, and I'm so fortunate for having her with me. And while I'm speaking of her... she seems to have been having trouble sleeping as well. I'm not sure what it is because she keeps herself a little locked about it, but I know her, and she'll tell me when she's ready.

    I'm pretty sure it has to do with her lycanthropy... being a druid, her connection to Nature is much deeper than mine, and the beast might be pulling from her thoughts, and making her go nuts. She's strong, and she'll manage, I know. And besides, I'll be there for her with every beat, no matter what.

    I feel almost responsible of her happiness these days. I don't enjoy seeing her suffer, quiet and distant. I want her to live in joy more than I want it for myself, and I've been trying to nudge her towards finding her own "Jonni", someone to bring her all that rush of feelings and beautiful emotions that I couldn't. We've even been teasing her that she should wait for little Zoma to be adult to start dating him... the faces she makes are so funny that they can't be paid with all the gold of the world. But jokes aside, I love my sister with my very soul, and there has to be a way for her to enjoy her life. I want her to be the happy... no, I need her to be happy.

    Nica's been having some issues of her own. Seems like Vashie is taking their tryst quite seriously and taking big steps towards gaining the family's approval... starting by talking to Aelthas and Lycka about it. I have to admit that he's got some balls, but I'm not sure if he's still retaining them attached after last night. Nica seems to like him very much, but I'm not sure she's into him as much as he is into her. But that's the thing with Nica... it's hard to know what really is in her mind, she's quiet and introvert about her own feelings. What I'm not going to do is judge them, because they have the right to feel whatever they want.

    Looks like there's a family meeting where Nica and Vashie will face Aelthas and Lycka together... and Nica asked me to be there to soften her parents up, since they have a soft spot for me. I promised that I'll be there because as I said, I think Vashie and Nica have right to be together if they both feel it's what they want, but whether her parents have a soft spot for me or not, I think I'll hide under Jonni's bed if Lycka starts shooting those death stares, or Aelthas begins to frown and grunt. Maybe we should ask Leena to come as well... so she can start seducing Zoma, so it all stays in the family. Oh gods, here I am again giggling silly.

    Whatever happens, I think everything will turn out fine for everyone, because we are all a strong pack, and everything we ever say or do is because we care for our own, and want only the best for those that we care for.


  • A Failure Like Me

    Looks like more stuff has happened with the "mannequins". Yeah, now I'm actually using that word that I didn't want to before, because it looks like that's what they really are after what happened today.

    My day was being very much an usual day, I was at the forest and I saw I had some spare scrolls and swords from some trip to the fishy caves so I thought I'd go to the city to sell them and get the best deal. I hate spending time in the city, but it was meant to be a quick in-and-out.

    But when there, I saw Nica and Shesie talking about the clone stuff, so I stayed with them a little to see if they knew something new. After a few minutes another Shesie walked in. There was a second of shock there and then one of the Shesies cast a spell on the other so I instinctively thought the aggressor was the mean one, but the victim turned invisible and ran away… which is not a very logical reaction for someone that is surrounded by friends and we began the chase.

    It took us to the orc cave where the other Shesie came and went shooting at us and we couldn't catch her, but on the way back to Peltarch we were attacked again. This time it was Hen who wanted to draw us over a number of traps she had set all over the park west of the city.

    We managed to catch her but Jimmeh couldn't hold back his tentacle spell and crushed her before she could say a word. Not that knowing the real Hen this one would say anything useful but that wasn't the worst... the worst was the discovery that these clones are not even living beings. When Hen was killed, her features turned colourless and generic like a mannequin made of some unnatural stuff and a few moments later it crumbled into dust.

    We went to the city afterwards and looks like Nica's double had killed someone and that got the real Nica in trouble. Everyone knows that Nica couldn't have done that though, and Lisa let her free to help finding the false Nica and stop her from hurting others as she's been instructed to do. For now Nica gave her mom the remains of the false Hen so that she can find out what she's made of and maybe help finding some clues.

    Thinking back to the "mannequin" that has my name... I guess they screwed somewhere in the "programming" of Elaine and she didn't work as intended. And still, knowing this, I can't bear the thought of seeing harm come to her. I pity her because she tries her best to survive... she fights, resists and endures what the world has thrown at her to continue to exist... like any worthy child of nature she tries to be alive... only she isn't. Next I see her I don't know how I'll feel... she seems so real.

    To me this was heartbreaking... these last few tendays I've been feeding the thought that the other Elaine is a rebel, a fighter that wouldn't just sit and watch how they shaped her into a murdering drone without doing anything about it. I've been believing that her spirit of survival was strong and her will unbreakable, and I've felt proud for it, since she's meant to be an exact copy of me... and now I notice that she is not even a living being, but an imitation of life imprinted into a cold, lifeless three-dimensional canvas.

    I have been so arrogant to think that I'm special in any way, even knowing that some of my friends are as chaotic and wild as I am and they didn't break free. Still I've wanted to believe that Elaine was free because she was different... and I may have been right in that. She's different, because she's a failure... a failure like me.

    I don't say this for lack of self-esteem, but the contrary... I haven't been able to look at things objectively and I've made a fool of myself. I wonder how many times the trees didn't let me see the forest thanks to my ego... and that makes me feel bad because only now I notice. I hope I can correct that, or nobody will ever take me seriously.

    PS: I don't know why I feel like this and why I have to overthink stuff that doesn't bring me fun or food. Life used to be easy and as I grow up, things look more and more complicated. Guess it's just that, I'm "growing up", but if that's how growing up feels like I don't want to continue growing up. It makes me sad and depressed.


  • [Double post]


  • Alter Ego

    Wow! This is a big one! There's a girl around that looks like me, acts like me and even moves like me… and no it's not Leena. At first I though she was Leena but then there were things off... the way she moved and her gestures, and then her scent... she was me!

    I think I was as curious about her as she was about me, so we got to talk a bit... she told me the only thing she knows is that she wasn't always a half-elf-kitty, she was something else and was put into that body and given a name... Elaine Xixia Rayfe. She said that someone was trying to get stuff into her head and she got bored and annoyed and just escaped, because that place was too dark and too cold and she didn't like it.

    Yeah if that's not enough of a shocker, she said that there were at least twenty different people around her reciting some people's personal information like mantras, as if to get it drilled into their heads. She said she could hear the two that were just next to her... Willow and Salin.

    She also thinks that they are looking for her, and at some point she startled and ran away to hide. She came back later invisible to tell me that she can't trust anyone except me, since she knows I... well I can't be a copy going after her, but anyone else could.

    I found out that not only she looks like me and moves like me... she also can do everything I can! Like... she knows all my tricks, and can turn into kitty too. So we both became cougars so I could show her a hidden place in the forest where she can shelter and nobody will find her as long as she stays as kitty.

    But the most disturbing thing is that she also is me in every aspect beyond the surface. Her behaviour, her attitude everything matches. And knowing she's exactly like me... it won't be long before she gets bored of staying in that place I showed her and will go out to find something more exciting to do, even if she has to risk being caught. At least she has a place to go to if she gets in trouble.

    Later we've been finding out that other "replicas" have been popping up and assaulting their "originals". Jimmeh almost got killed by his replica but we arrived just in time when he was knocked unconscious and barely alive, and that scared his replica off before he could finish him off. I heard something similar happened with Dermin, but I don't know the details about that one. Both of those seemed fully indoctrinated and trying to complete their job to then replace the lives of the ones they are replicas to... and we don't know for what purpose yet, because none of us are all that important or anything...

    You know, it's kind of awesome to think that my "replica" rebelled and won't do what she was being told to do... but that also makes me a little worried because well, like I said it seems like she's me in every way. She likes what I like, hates what I hate, and has my same personality... I want her to have her own life and be herself but it's difficult to think it wouldn't affect me. Just to put an example... she's likely also in love with Jonni, even if she probably doesn't even know him yet... how will Jonni react to that? Will she feel rejected and heartbroken if he refuses to have anything to do with her? What if... she really tries to pretend that she's me to get Jonni's cares. I know myself... I cheat and lie a lot, it's not strange to think that my other me could try something like that, especially if a strong feeling of attraction is involved... and... well I really need to speak with Jonni as soon as possible.

    I care for my other me, but I don't know what I can do about her to not hurt her and also not hurt myself... having a twin sister is something but having a second me is quite something else.

    I need to think about this, and I hate thinking. I just hope Elaine is okay, because I don't want her to suffer at all... and probably nothing of this is being easy for her either.

    XP pending - Given


  • Weeee writing again!

    Not going to write much this time because there isn't so much to write. Just have to remind myself that things are going great, and everything seems good. Don't get to see my friends much lately because I spend so much time in the wilds just being myself, but I still manage to escape the forests to find my wolfie quite often!

    Problem is that when I'm with the Wilds I can't tell how much time has gone, other than trying to remember how many moons have passed, or guessing by Selûne's shape and size… but losing my time-passing-awareness could be handy soon, if things go the way they seem they'll go.

    Jonni said that maybe the city needs him to go live with the Fire Giants for one year to prove them that the city people are nice and respectable people and don't need to go to war and all that bad stuff. I think a city could be seen as nice and respectable the same day as a deer starts shooting fireballs though its eyes, so at first I thought he was joking... but he looked really serious. Then I thought he was crazy... but I am more crazy, so that's okay. Guess then I was sad because I just want to cuddle my wolfie for myself, and one year is a long time! He even promised that his new job wouldn't steal too much of his time from me.

    But then I understood... his people needs him, right? He can avoid a war all by himself, and I know if he sets himself to do it, he'll do it. And he'll save maybe lots of people, and it's really what he wants... I know he also dreads being apart from me, but yeah... it's like, he has to do it. What I am going to do is keep spending time with him when we both can, and when he has to go, I'll be a good kitty and wait for him! Time passes really fast when I'm with the Wilds, so maybe I won't even notice too much!

    I just hope the Fire Giant people won't be mean to him, because then I'll be very, very upset, and I'll turn them all into stone... you better watch out, you ugly Fire Giants!