3. The Journal of Jerrick Rayfe

The Journal of Jerrick Rayfe


  • _It's over.

    I say that in a way that makes my own words echo around the room and turn it into a laugh, of course. It's both a happy laugh, and a haunting one.

    It's over. The fight against the nightmares, the influence of the fey that it turns out he didn't intend. The thing that made the nightmares stick to Lorie as well as Tindra was just that she was simply too alike. She became like Tindra, and the nightmares focused on her too.

    Now… I've got them. This little stone, a little willpower, and a little fey influence from him accepting the words to my duel. Now I have him.

    I spent too much time in faerie to have pity for a fey who would torment a soul on the behest of another, in exchange for a firstborn. He is powerful, but foolish. He didn't ask what weapon I was using, so I took iron to him. He didn't take time to spell himself up, merely said "En guarde" and took me on. He didn't ask if magic was allowed, or state anything to the fact, so we both used it, but his spells fizzled against my protections. Now he is mine. He's going to work for the rest of my life as whatever I wish him for. I'll turn his power to MY goals. I'll undo what he's done, and make sure the girls never have cause to have a bad dream again.

    And the same with my child.

    I don't have words for this that make sense. I wasn't sure I ever wanted to be a father, and I thought Lorelai has been taking preventative measures... but she IS a werecat. I didn't think about what that might change. I could dig into the subject, find out exactly how it happened, but there's no point.

    I'm actually... glad.

    Sure it's awkward to have Tindra come 'forward' back into her own body... and be carrying my child but, strangely enough she doesn't seem to mind. Now we need to find Andu.

    In the back of my mind I worry, too. I had may as well write this down. I worry a little about what the girls will decide on. Rith was stressed, she wants her Lorelai to stay, but I pressed the point that the whole reason I did ANY of this, learned how to get into her mind and dreams, learned how to take others there, and took the massive risks we all did, was to get them back in communication with one another, so they can speak.

    From what I understand... they could only speak through notes left for the other in the real world, seen when they wake. What we did brought them both onto the same plane of consciousness, I believe. It may cause some problems, or it may be perfect. I don't know though...

    I'll know soon enough.

    Gods I'm a Dad...Mielikki grant me wisdom, patience, and strength to face my fear._


  • _The past and I are no strangers. Of course I existed in the past, giving me at least some passing familiarity with it, I mean it in a more literal sense. For years, no, decades … I really lived in the past. I clung desperately to it, like a child. I probably have abandonement issues, or something similar. I can't stand to listen to people who make that kind of thing up, personal philosophers if you will, but I think in this case they may have had me pegged correctly.

    Boy would this throw them off.

    I was buying potiosn with the guys, all of us in the temple of the Triad in Peltarch. Then we were in the temple as it was years ago. Daisy was glowing, holding up wards of some sort, and the entire building was the shape that it had before the war. And ... yeah, during the war. Wonderful.

    One of the older knights challenged us, demanding to know who we were, as if he didn't see is come in. He didn't, of course. We appeared. I explained that I was Jerrick of the Rawlins, and these were my Wolves, and though apprehensive, he didn't attack. Instead he bid us leave, and if we wanted to be useful, go help the fighters at the West Gate.

    Long story short, we ended up there, after being pummeled by flaming ordinance from Strauss Organs, and ended up fighting armatures and N'jast soldiers. Ye GODS this is easier now than it was then. Just... wow. We destroyed them, with the help of some Legion soldiers that showed up late in the fighting.

    We talked for a while... only to find a not very surprised guard looking at us, back at the present day West Gate.

    We were physically moved.

    Weird...

    At any rate, it made me think of the past as a thing I can't get away from, but also as something that exists whether I pay attention to it or not.

    That's right. The past exists.

    I don't have to live my present while staring at it though._


  • _At times it is hard to write about the past, and prefectly recall experiences. Other times, however, I cannot force images and memories from my mind no matter how hard I try.

    Every time I touch my right ear, I remember. I remember…

    It was dawn. I spoke to Jynai's advisor, the saracastic old elf, Burgon. I spoke to scouts, mages, and wounded warriors who had experience in dealing with her father's men, their traps, their attacks, and their defenses. I remember watching the sun as I spoke to the elves around me, and even the occasional half-elf. Every portion of a day that passed, I thought of Lorelai, and hoped that the others were all taking care of one another while I was away. "There is much to do, but only one of me to do some of the things that need done." ... is a thought that often crossed my mind, and even in the midst of sparring with her guards to keep myself limber, I imagine Rith chiding me for such thoughts.

    Yes yes, I know I am not alone. I knew it then, just as I know it now, however when I was in Cormanthyr, I was alone. I saw Jynai occasionally, but for my own reasons, kept contact fairly brief. I can tell seeing me caused her pain, and I wasn't about to keep that up. She had little good to say about Brendel, which made me wonder "Why," more often than was good for me. I still love him as a brother, and as a friend. None of this was anyone's 'fault,' I realize, it just 'happened' in much the same way Jynai and I did. I don't hold it against him, but I feel bad for knowing what she told me. I wonder if I should tell him her thoughts. I wonder if she ever will...

    I am getting distracted again. I was distracted then, too, at times. No matter how hard a warrior trains, there are distractions. In the middle of reviewing maps, examining weapons and even bodies of slain enemies, my thoughts wandered. I had an easier time stteling my mind for the fight with the Dracolich and the Hungry One. At least there, the foe is obvious. Here I had a man who was seldom seen, but very present in the minds of those around me.

    The details surrounding him were as vague as the picture my mind's eye painted of him. Elven, dark haired, and cruel-eyed. Probably wearing robes, as most mages do ... there was little to go off of. Thankfully, I had the details I needed. Location. I knew now where his tower was. Power. I had an idea of what spells he liked to use. Fears. He was rumored to have NONE. A man without fear is a man who will not flinch. A man whose confidence would make him unbeatable in well picked battles, and inspire fear in his enemies. It would also make him vulnerable if surprised. At least, that's what I told myself.

    The attack was a plan I devised with Burgon, based on what little I knew of the man, and what tricks of my own I was capable of. There would be three attacks. The first, I would be in the rear of. We would sneak in as far as we could into his territory, right for the tower, and take out any sentries that we could. We were a group almost entirely comprised of rangers and scouts, under the cover of various blessings of camouflage, but no invisibility magics. We moved in, and made it past several sentries before we were spotted, bringing the battle to bear with several summons and beasts to augment our numbers.

    The effect was devastating on the outermost scouts, and several perished where they stood, pierced by arrows from five different sides, while a couple escaped back towards the tower. A token force of guards engaged us, and we did our best to make a show of being unprepared, as if suprised to be seen, and sounded a retreat with a horn.

    Stage two happened then. Another horn echoed ours, and heavy fighters charged in quite a ways west of us. I was able to make out "It was a distraction" during our pursued retreat, and the bait was taken. The force chasing us split, and I took my first major gamble.

    -Crunch-

    I shifted, and stayed in a bush, wings pulled in tight to my sides. My force fled, and went to join the larger group, while I watched between green leaves and branches that would have obscured the sight of a larger creature. Sure enough, only a single scout stayed behind, and he was busy removing an arrow from himself. He didn't even see me fly past.

    I stayed my course, where the initial group would have come through had they stayed, and listened from high in a tree. This was what I was dreading. The waiting. Jynai's soldiers were to play tag with the enemy. Bait them into sending a large force to get them. Draw as much attention as possible. I merely had to await the signal... which soon shook the trees around me.

    Kegs.

    The second wave of scouts had accompanied mages, who had devised a way with their spell-mumbo-jumbo to easily move kegs, and a staggered perimeter several leagues wide was established in smoke and flame. The kegs did not burn brightly, or very hot, but what they were filled with smoked terribly. Now would be the time that Jynai's forces would place their masks on, wet cloths with banded-glasses like Benji's for their eyes. With any luck, the enemy was supposed to think there were now fifteen or so groups, moving up under the cover of smoke and fire, at least one for each explosion... and I heard it.

    Several staccatto blasts from horns that were not our own, and various shouts and the sound of spells being placed on warriors. That was my chance.

    -crunch-

    I stood at the top of a sturdy pine, and cast my spells upon myself, adding upon my camouflage spell with the Wisdom of Owls, the Strength of Bulls, the Grace of Cats, and Lasting Endurance. I would be prepared for combat. Spell Resistance, Freedom of Movement, Protection from Element, and Death Ward to ensure that this fight would not end with me helpless due to magicks. Barkskin and Stoneskin to save -my- skin were last, and I was off with a familiar 'crunch.'

    With all the magic upon me, I was sure he would see me coming, but it was a chance I would have to take. I hoped, prayed, and blessed myself with the Unicorn Pendant give to me by the Lady's servant once I landed atop a tree nearest his tower. The rope was the hardest thing to place in a feathered form, but Wolf not only never forgets rope, but also knows when to use it. There it sat, atop his tower where I dropped it, the loop neatly over a spire, waiting for me to grab hold. Who am I to dissapoint?

    The next part was a blur, and then a horrible, heart-stopping standstill.

    Crunch. Fall. Grab. I didn't miss the rope. I didn't end the battle broken upon the ground below. So far so good, right? I pulled myself up to the height I needed to be at, and ran alongside the wall... or tried to. Those acrobats in Amn made it look SO easy. I clung to the rope for dear life, and drifted towards the window, reaching out with one hand...

    Crackling blue energy expended itself against me as my hand clutched the sill, and I nearly yelped with surprise as my resistance held, and I was not pushed back out from the force of the magic missiles that pummeled me. I counted myself lucky, that time, and nearly pulled a muscle yanking myself in while the mage began to chant another spell.

    I had enough time to turn my ring. Kara's ring. I glowed blue, and the next wave of blue energies made a cute little "Pff" noise when they touched me, eliciting a laugh from the elf in front of me, who put down his hands and shook his head.

    [e] You think you're prepared, don't you?" he asked, sneering like some classic Narfellian villain. Hells, out Banites sneered better than this guy, so I can honestly say I was unimpressed.

    "Enough." I replied with a shrug, in common. I wasn't about to speak Elven to someone like this. I wanted him to know that a mere halfer was in front of him. He realized something along those lines, it seems, because his eyebrows went straight up.

    "You're not even a elf, are you? " He sounded incredulous, and apparently didn't see it necessary to grace me with his precious language at this point.

    "Got it in one, fancypants. " I told him. His garb was almost laughably ornate, and wizardly. Or sorcerorly. How would I know? "Well, mostly."

    "Oh, a halfbreed then. I'll take that much more pleasure in killing you then. My useless whelp of a daughter must have sent you. " He was enjoying himself at this point, and likely counting on my spells disappearing. The ghostly visage from the ring did indeed leave me just then, making his grin widen. Creepy…

    "Oh no. I sent me. Oh, and by the way ... " I charged, drawing both of my blades with no warning, mid-leap. "Die!"

    I admit, I wasn't likely my most eloquent of battle cries. Nor was it the kind of thing any 'good' person is normally quoted as saying to the badguy when he kills them. Well, usually. It was however, effective. Defensive spells went up. My blades hit their mark the first two times, but did little damage to him while he almost casually snapped off his spells under his breath, doing his best to dodge me while looking as casual as possible. Bastard...

    I flailed, and made huge, tiring movements, and must have looked desperate. I slipped here and there on the slick floor, nearly ending up in the splits, before rolling seemingly less than graceful out of the way of a fireball, no... two of them. He almost seemed to be playing with me. . . good thing I love games.

    I stopped, leaning on the wall and panting gibberish, looking exhausted. He laughed, shook his head, and flicked a hand disdainfully at me. green arcing lights made their way to me, and I had just enough time to finish my own muttering before the acid arrows ate into my stoneskin, and protections. I must have eaten more of those fireballs than I thought...

    At least lightning came ricocheting off the walls in the room from the window to give him a healthy singe halfway through his next casting, interrupting him with a shock of multiple kinds, eliciting a laugh from me despite myself. I needed that laugh, I think. Realizing your own mortality in the face of a spellcaster like that really makes a man think, so I thought ... and my thought at the moment was, "Great, what now."

    Every battle with a mage has three stages, necessary to survival.

    One: Surprise. Alright, that didn't work out too well for me this time.

    Two: Momentum. Keep em pinned down, and keep em from casting as much as you can. I didn't have much momentum yet in this fight, but thankfully I DID have him playing with me.

    Three: Preparation. If the above two fail, or don't go as planned, the preparation is your only way of getting out alive. Step three saved my life right after that thought flashed past... as did the color yellow.

    Ronan casts that hand thing, or something similar... and now, I would be stuck. Helpless. Immobile... There I was, standing stock still in the corner, while he grinned like a viper, and raised his hands to cast again, apparently done wasting time.

    I'm no master spellcaster. I can't identify a spell easily as it's being cast, or remember what gestures mean a certain spell is coming... but I do know the sound of death magicks as they rip through the air towards you. I do remember seeing my Lorelai drop lifelessly in front of me as her heart simply stopped, like a puppet whose strings have been caught. I did remember... that the first part of the pattle, that first stage... didn't have to be over.

    I went as limp as I could while the yellow hand thing circled my supposedly immobile body. I did my best to look like it was the only thing holding me up, despite the fact that my own Freedom spell was holding up still... likely only for a few more moments. I was only protected from the elements as much as my Heart of Valor allowed, so any elemental spell he might want to take me out with if I twitched, would simply get through. Though... if I had enough momentum...

    That was all the thinking I needed. I held my breath to wait for the signal... and heard it immediately. Two footsteps.

    -Crunch-

    I shifted, roared, and lifted both giant clawed paws in the air to smash him... and also make myself a huge target. He shouted a curse, and a spell formed in the tiny space between us ...

    -Crunch-

    I did my best to ignore the blazing heat on my right side of my face, the searing pain, and took the opportunity to attack him as he moved to adjust for the new form in front of him. I took a heavy hit as a bear, but he did as well once I shifted back. He moved, I stabbed under his raised arm. He stepped back to cast, I cut again. There was a brief moment where I wondered if my spell resistance was still working, when a bright flash and a choked out "No.." confirmed that it was indeed, while the spell fizzled out against my stone-flecked skin.

    We stood posed like that for several long moments. There was blood now, dripping from both of us while we held the position that looked like two awkward dancers in mid-step. It would have looked almost graceful, except for the two dripping scimitars that protruded from the back of one of the dancers.

    It took some time for that impotent yellow hand to go away. About the amount of time it took for him to lean his head forward, and bare his teeth at me as he hissed out his last words.

    "I curse you, half-breed... Die all.. a. ... "

    Some curses are anti-climactic. This one was not only that, but unfinished too. Needless to say, a non-faerie curse, especially an unfinished one simply isn't that scary to me anymore. I can say that, since he didn't complete it and all, and pretend that I'm such a badass that my blood didn't run cold when he started it. I can also pretend I didn't give each sword a viscious twist when he got to "All," too. Those who are prepared to win at any price, should also be prepared to die for the same. He ... was not.

    There were a few parchments about, maps and orders from the looks of it, which I bundled into my pack, and nothing else of value, unfortunately. The items which the mage held had that greasy, tainted feel to them, so I left them, and him, where they lay as I dropped a flask of flammable liquid down, and struck my firestone at the window.

    -Crunch-

    A wolf with a large chunk taken out of it's right ear, and a lot of missing fur on that side limped back the way it came, through smoke and ash, where there was a distinct lack of fighting. The kegs had been a scare tactic and diversion through and through. Small forces pretended to attack, and used the favorable breeze and obscuring acrid smoke to make it seem like their force was much larger, and prevent the hostile troops from simply swarming, which made for a fairly easy walk back for a scared, burned woodland creature just like the others that had possibly gone by.

    -Crunch-

    [e]"Who goes there!?"

    [e] "Jerrick, of the Rawlins." said the scorched and bleeding me, who probably looked a bit like a partially ruined statue. "Here. Give these to Jynai, and let her know that 'he' is no more. I'm headed home, so wish her the best for me. "

    The guard looked stunned for a moment as the implications set in, but he said nothing at all. He nodded, almost saluted, then sprinted off with a shout to his companions. My work was done, and I headed off in the direction of safety, away from Cormanthyr. There really was no point in staying around. Things with Feather, Jynai, were tense at best. I did what I came to do, and went home, then, taking the long way to give myself time to rest and heal before getting home. It was messy, but it was done.

    Now that I won't use up all my blue ink, I can bring my mind back to the present.

    Lorelai. The next full moon is but nights away, and when Selune is watching over her servant closely, I will attempt the dreamwalk, and try to save her from the fey influence within her.

    The Hungry One is gone, along with his Dracolich, and Jynai is as safe as I can make her, for now. My time for excuses is past, and now I risk whom I hold dearest, as well as myself and my friends, in an attempt to set her free, and the other 'her' as well. One or both may even be lost in this, perhaps all of us, but it's a risk we need to take.

    We'll find out in a few nights. The truth will make itself plain. Mielikki, aid me and grant me wisdom. I'll need it in what is to come._


  • _A trip was mentioned in earlier pages. I occasionally read back over my writing, to gather my thoughts, and make sure to take care of anything that I may have left unsaid, or undone. That being said, I haven't told anybody much about the events that conspired in Cormanthyr. Even my beloved Lorelai has agreed to wait on any explanation, even with me returning home with a notch taken out of my right ear.

    I suppose it's time I wrote this tale. I think I'll use the easier to make ink for this one.

    The ink on my journal was dry. My face was dry, too… but so were my lips. I was parched, and not from just some silly lack of water. It was gnawing at me. All the righteous anger and hurt in the world wasn't going to simply make it go away... that lingering feeling that no matter what the hell happened between Brendel and Jynai, being mad at them wasn't going to help. It wasn't going to save her. Wasn't going to help her or her people survive... and try as I might, I couldn't just sit there being selfish. I made a plan, wrote a letter for Lorelai, and packed a bag with spell reagents, potions, and enough weaponry to equip a small force. It was time.

    "Just like before... Jerrick. Just use the tree... " the tree in question was in the glen, the first one I had passed into Avalon with, but this time I had a guide. Yes, the guide was expecting to help me to Tindra's mind again, but I said I had something to tend to, first. Lorelai had said she still loved Feather like a sister, and I neededto do this for her just as much as myself. The tree wavered a little in my sight, and I stepped through... finding myself in a familiar cave that was at the same time there, and not there. The familiar pillars of colored lights were there too... and I followed my instincts.

    "Cormanthyr... Gods, that practically -is- a ley-line. This might be easier than I thought! " I remember saying to myself, as I stepped into the light after draping myself in spells... even happening across an alert guard force I would be safe from harm... to an extent. Barked, physically buffed to a nearly superhuman level as usual, and warded from spells, I stepped through the light... and found myself exactly where I figured. IN trouble. "

    It was almost immediate that the guards found me. Nothing like stepping from a tree in the middle of an elven city all aglow druing a war to have the guards come running, after all. After some small exchanges with the first responding guards, the scout Burgon was brought to the scene and informed of the visitor's name, his brow shooting up in shock and recognition of it.

    [e] "You're a ways from the Rawlins then aren't you now?" the elf asked, slowly looking me over and likely realising that despite the bark.. the man he saw was a bit tall for an elven.. and bit thicker as well.

    [e] "Yes, you could say that." I told him, "But, the Rawlins and this place have a few things in common." With the hand not still holding my shield, I knocked on the massive tree that I stepped out of. "So, being hopeful that Jynai's guards aren't just going to take my word for it that I am who I say I am… anything you need to ask me or see of me to make sure I am he?"

    Burgon stared thoughtfully at me, the much younger man for a long while considering this before he spoke.

    [e] "You can tell me then the -queens- sister's name?"

    [e] "Most would know her as Tindra. I know her as Lorelai as well. She even has an uncanny resemblance to Jynai." I used the name deliberately. "She is a sorceress, among other things." I spent a moment, appraising the elf before me.

    Burgon smirked and made a motion with his right hand. Several archers dropped from limbs above and began to wander off. Big surprise, I smelled them, and even heard one. He turned away and started heading toward the center of the large tree city.

    [e]" This way.. " He dropped his voice as we walked along
    [e] "Last man I thought to see here after that cocky wild one." he said, before eyeing me for a while, clearly gauging my reactions, or perhaps just me. He was walking along the platform further into the city, centering toward the largest of the tree-based building built across dozens and dozens of trees.
    [e]"That of course will not be good enough in the end…" he told me, training off as he walked, only to continue. "Her father is a powerful mage, and his oldest son, an acomplished priest of one of the foul dark fiends gods...Eventually they'll acomplish with magic what Aden would have done with his men..spits the city's damned then one way or the other."
    I nod, rubbing my barky chin with a scrape, and chuckled quietly [e] Well, I guess you can say that's why I am here, then. The end you mentioned. Tell me more, especially anything Jynai might withhold from me in concern for my safety, or something equally silly." I remember being blunt with him, as I would with a fellow soldier. Polite, but blunt. It was enough to make him stop completely, and eye me, clearly considering … something.
    [e] "If she cared for you, and I think she did…" He shrugged, as if not quite sure it's his place to assume or say more. "She'll not lie to you, thats not her way." His words ended, and I found us approaching a great building, whose doors opened at our approach, leaving him free to lead me deep inside of it.
    I replied, [e]"No… but she'll go out of her way to protect someone from danger. I finished the task necessary of me in the Rawlins for the moment, the taint is completely gone now. It's time another taint was cleansed... as a goodbye gift, if nothing else. "

    [e] "Anyway.. " he motioned ahead of him and stepped aside "I suppose we'll both know soon enough lad ." He smirked at something, then, and trotted to the side amongst various courtiers and other folk, til he was behind the dias, and then seemingly out of sight.

    As the elves opened the doors and we stepped inside, the guard darting into his shadows, I dropped the bark with a quickly muttered dispel. I also had the sense to take just a moment to pull my hair back into something respectable before striding directly down the hall to the throne, keeping a respectful distance.

    Jynai stood at the foot of the Dias, the throne towering over her. Her wavy golden hair splayed across the soft yellow gown , full and bristling out, as she regarded me coolly with her ice-blue eyes. Despite that stare, she hesitated a moment, once more the lost Feather as she considered me, to what ends I do now know. Her hand subconsciously slid down over her belly though, that much I remember. Then she spoke, almost whispered, "Jerrick.. "

    I had halted about ten or fifteen feet away, aware that at least four weapons were clearly visible upon my person, and I had not wanted to make anybody unduly nervous. She motioned for me to come closer, and I addressed her as I moved.

    [e]"Your highness, I have come to offer my service in the task of aiding your people against the current threat you face. I offer myself, and Mielikki's grace to you, and my advisement should you wish it." I was more than well aware that I had probably gotten the attention of all the various courtiers in the place and despite her motion for me to come closer, I remained roughly five feet away before bowing slightly, and keeping my head lowered, before speaking clearly once more, still facing her feet.

    [e]"Though as before, do not expect to turn me away if you would not use me. it will take more than the command of a queen to do so… with all due respect of course."

    Her lip seemed to quiver slightly as I stopped short of her, and seemingly unsure she looked to her healer, who without hestation clapped her hands, shouting for the hall to be cleared. Jynai's gaze dropped, as did her shoulders, and she spoke to me, for the first time since she left.

    [e]" Do you hate me then?.. have you only come then to stop another evil?.. service.. " her words trailed off, and she finally looked back up at me, but only briefly. "You remember don't you?.. you wouldn't let me completely into your heart for just that wasn't it?"

    I cuts the air between us with a dismissive gesture, my hand moving as if knocking something off a table, then falling back to my side. [e] "I cannot hate someone that I loved so fiercely and you know it. Do not be another to mock and twist my words. As for love… I couldn't let someone completely into my heart so soon for fear, and nothing else. Fear that proved correct, even if it was because of my own self-fulfilling propechy.
    To that end, I came to make right what I nearly did to begin with. Had it not been for everything else I was neck deep in when you left, I would have followed. Your timing in that... was impeccable. Now I'm done with two other threats, both the Hungry one AND his Dracolich are no more. The taint is gone from the woods. I know of brendel and yourself... though not as much as I know now I gestured to her belly, but that again is not why I came. I would see you free from your family, as I offered once before. Will you accept my offer this time... your highness?"

    She blinked, looking down at herself though not showing yet enough to be seen through the dress, yet she seemed not suprised that I figured it out. [e]"Her name is Vanya" She miled as she ran her hands over her belly. "I don't think he'll be a good father, but who am I to judge. I did not have a good role model I suppose."
    She smiled up at me, then, and inquired as to Lorelai's health.[e] My sister? You are her are one now I pray?" She paused a moment," I do not think she will live long if not Jerrick…"

    [e] "Your 'sister' is well enough, though she both misses you, and is plagued with nightmares still, that grow worse. I ventured alone, into her mind, and battled the nightmare to a standstill… after finding out exactly why she is having them. I will be returning from here, once this business is through, to finish that task immediately, and completely, in hopes of returning both of them. I am attempting a dangerous task of bringing several people to help as well."

    I found I could only answer simply, and without her smile, as the topics were yet grim, as was my business at hand. She noticed.

    [e]" Both of them?.. but? What becomes of my s-" she began, before I cut her off.
    [e] "It's only fair. I will not -kill- an innocent person for my own selfishness. I intend to bring them both back to the surface so that they can at least speak once more, even if they end up deciding that Tindra may have herself back, and I am necessarily set aside as with Lorelai.

    She seemed about to cry as she spoke, and her words seemed as an attempt to cut me, accuse me as my friends had recently. [e]"But..don't you love her?"

    [e] "I love her fiercely. I will not allow you to so much as question that. I also, however, know that there is another person there. Trapped. One whom Lorie once -was-, still -is-, and wants to see free as well. We already know that the two of them can survive peacefully inside that body, so I intend to take things once step at a time, and free Tindra. What happens next is more up to them, than me. "

    [e] "Jerrick..your.." She shook her head, turned away, and walked off a few steps. you do hate me.. I wish .. I wish it could have been different .. my people were here.. needed me… " She turned to look at me over her shoulder, then. "... and you would never have been one with Lorelai as long as I was there. Would you have? " It was Almost more statement than question.

    I had but to answer truthfully. [e] "No on both counts. I do not leave someone once I am with them, unless they go away and I am led to believe they're not coming back. And no, I do not hate you. If I hated you, I would not be here. I would let you go on with your life, as long or as short as it may be, without giving you a second thought. But I am here, and here because I care about your people too. Even if it's just because of you. We shared something, once. I doubted it after you left, and I probably owe you for that. Here I am.

    [e]"Oh Jerrick..it was real to me.. I only loved one more than you.. and I was killing her.. " She turned once more then, but only to sit on her throne, and wash her face of emotion, to address me as I had come. For duty."You have questions? I will answer what ever you wish to know of my father. We are locked in long lasting battle now with his troops, he sends conjurations regularly now to tip the balance in these small battles in his favor. Ocassionally my eldest brother, a half-breed of drow descent like Aden will join these battles. He is a priest of Vhaerun, and hates me as much as he did my mother. " She waited then.

    As she recounted her story, the news, what I needed to know, she seemed to grow colder, more distant, and I interrupted the thoughts at hand, frustrated.

    [e]"Jynai, it was real to me too… dammit, forget it. This is hardly the time nor place. I plan on being a weapon while I am here, in any way possible. I want to break them. Show me how to get to -one- of them, whichever one will weaken them the most, be accesible, and I will do whatever is needed to break them. "

    She paused, thoughtfully. It was a long moment, before the peeked around her throne, and addressed the space behind it. [e] "Burgon?"
    The old elven scout slowly stepped back out of the shadows again, his head bent out of respect for just a moment.
    He spoke then, watching me. [e]If the druid thinks he can pierce your fathers tower then this might be all ended with a single strike. Providing Jediah does not manage to take up his mantle, either way you will be rid of one of them.. *Then he looked pointedly over to me. "Or of him."

    The Queen, she flinched when he said that. She looked at me almost pleading with me not to start a fight, and for that moment, she looked like the Feather I knew.

    I wasn't going to, and I spoke to him plainly, then. [e] "Hardly a deterrent, good 'elf'. Like my brothers, I risk my life in service to whatever cause I choose. In this case, it's both personal and a duty. Your -queen- is not my queen, but I risk myself for her anyway. If you have judgements to make, please do so on your own time."

    She closed her eyes as if praying Burgon will shut up.. and after a moment opened then seeing both of us looking to her.

    [e] "Anything you need Jerrick, Burgon can provide.. or another if you so wish." She made a motion with her hand toward the scout who gave her a slight bow then leaving through the main doors passing by me with a grin as he did.
    [e]" I .. trust … your judgement Jerrick in this more then my own.. "Both men hate me.. want to see me bent knee before them and will gladly kill every single one of my people to see this done."

    I paused a moment, and softened. It hurt, seeing her trying to be ... distant. Cold. I changed the subject a little. [e] "I kind of like him. " I told her, tipping my head in the direction that the scout left from. " That being said… how are you holding up? "

    Everything about her bearing changed, then, her face nearly glowed for a moment at seeing me drop the business-like demeanor, then she continued speaking on that thread.

    [e] "I am pregnant Jerrick.. sick every morning, then I have to come out here and put on a daily charade..this is not the life I wanted…And the father.." She shrugged " is Brendel. We'll never be one.. I know that as surely as I did with you, though I did want that very much once .. I hope you believe that.. My place now is here.. I will be my people's queen but no more."

    I shook my head. [e] "I know, now. I'm sorry that I couldn't… I don't know, I'm sorry and I'm not, you know? Your people needed you, much more than I did I guess. I was just hurt when I found out.. .with Brendel though. Really got me thinking. Thinking the worst.. too. "

    She left her dias, walking that seemingly huge distance, to embrace me, and nearly whispered then, as if we were surely still being listened to.

    [e] I love you Jerrick still.. I always will.. I just loved her more ..*

    She led me to the guest chambers, where I would be put up for the duration of my stay. Fancy stuff by comparison to my usual, and I looked about before speaking.

    [e] "So.. all that aside… I want to help. I have to do something to help, and you know as well as ... okay, you don't know as well as I..." I couldn't help but laugh a bit. "...but I assure you I may have some tricks to surprise them. How might I strike hardest? The critical point. "

    Rather than simply answer, she got up on her toes to kiss my cheek, and spoke quietly again.

    [e] "You've already helped Jerrick just letting me see you again..more then you know.. but father is the greatest threat now..without him the dark ones would leave.. they see Jadiah as no more then a half breed." she flinched as she said that to me, her hand going quickly to her chest. "I do not see that in you love.. you are all heart.. I will let you rest now."

    I merely chuckled at the comment's irony. [e] "In that case a half-breed striking down your father would dishearten his whole army that much more."

    I had been about to say more, but I was beset then… by elf maidens, of all things.

    [e] "It is .. very good .. to see you again.. I hope this task will not make it the last time."

    [e] "Happy to help, " I told her, "it will be what it will be, Jynai. I don't make a habit of losing, though, nor intend to start now. Remember… Druids cheat. "

    She grinned at me and closed the door, which apparently was some kind of signal. I had time for a strangled complaint of "hey" before I was nearly forcibly stripped, and simply had to quiet down and deal with the bathing, dressing, grooming, and fussing expected to be given to a guest of the court. I wasn't really surprised, honestly. I know as well as any, some battles can't be won._

    (This is the first part of the story, from a conversation/RP with Feather that I dissected to make into a narrative. The rest will be forthcoming shortly.)


  • _Hello little book… and whoever might be reading my words. If you're wondering, quite a length of time has passed since I wrote, despite only spending nearly a week or two in Cormanthyr.

    I did what was needed, and came back... only to find myself a mess. I had been snapping at those close to me, frightening those who did not know me as well, and being generally somebody who I did not like seeing in the mirror, and liked Lorelai seeing less.

    Much happened upon my return, the Dracolich and Hungry One are but chapters in our stories now... but I was adrift in my own thoughts and actions, as if being dragged in by an inexorable tide, and it wasn't working. Nothing was. Change happens, but real change has to be found. Sometimes... you even have to seek it out and make it submit to your will, heh.

    I left, until I found what I was looking for.

    I left, until I found myself.

    Now that I'm found, Mielikki has granted me more freedom with her gift, and a whisper of secrets to be found, in my ear. I will seek them too... right after I take care of someone more important.

    Tindra, I'm coming to find you. Lorelai, I am home. It's time to work again. It's time to live._


  • _There. I told the girls. Their number has grown some… it seems like an official group to me at this point. "The Girls." It's adorable really, and heartening. Fadia, Lorelai, Rith. They're practically sisters, best of friends, and thick as thieves when they get to talking all secretively.

    At least I know they'll be in good hands. Each other's. Meanwhile, I'm on my way to Cormanthyr. With my methods of travel... Brendel is leaving in a week. I don't know how long it will take him to get there. It'll take me nearly no time at all... if things go as planned. If I can get in, be seen, make a plan, pull off something only slightly crazy, and do some good, then I can get out before he gets back. I'm not sure I want to see them together just yet. I'm still trying to convince myself that I wasn't played for a fool.

    Mielikki, watch over my girls while I am away, even if you need to take your eyes from me for a little while. I'll do my best not to meet you in the fugue. Promise._


  • _Home is where the heart is. I've heard this, and somewhat agree. The woods are home. The den is home. The glen is home. Lorelai is home. Hell, to an extent, even stupid Ronan and Aelthas are home. Rith, Fadia, Vash't, Rasuil … and yes, even that dumb fucking badger. I don't know why I'm mad at -him- really...

    There's so much I have invested here, and in each of these people, that even when I feel betrayed, or lost, or am reacting badly to something, they're here. Words with a helpful intent are still meant to be helpful I think... even if they fail miserably.

    Why am I taking things so badly lately?

    I've never been one for introspection, except here, in this journal. Reading back, though... I can't really find a particular reason that I've been losing my temper, losing my cool, losing control of my emotions and jumping forward to conclusions...

    Alright, I know why I'm mad at Badger-bastard. Because I'm a paranoid git, and all those little tea-parties I came home to between him and Feather, apparently built up something there ... and I wasn't enough for her.

    I don't know how Lorelai puts up with it, other than the fact that she's known me for so long, and we've always had that, unspoken understanding? I don't know how to put it, really. She doesn't suspect anything when I'm gone for a couple days, doesn't hold it against me when I have to leave in the middle of the night because the sounds of the woods grew quiet, and made me have to go check on them.

    I'm not saying Feather did... but if I'm trying to be rational and understanding, then she may have chosen someone else because she didn't want to take me from this land. From these people. From my duties, and what I've built up around me.

    This is getting difficult to write again. I think it's best that I get back to bed. I just didn't want this haunting my dreams, too. Jynai, I'm giving you and Badger the benefit of the doubt in my own mind, simply because I'd be angry as hell any other way.

    Back to letting people believe everything is fine._


  • This entry is written in black, that looks like coal dust was used to make the ink, as if his usual materials were not on hand.

    _I had to get away to write… and left my damned ink at home. Somehow, the color is fitting here, though. Blue would feel... false.

    It's almost funny how the ghosts of my past keep coming back to haunt me. Lillia. The vampiress who got an amulet of Lathander... from Kara of all people, and I don't know why she got it. Probably brought Kara information, or something else of value from Peltarch. Quintin, the necromancer who killed a whole score of men, saying it was a "Gift to me" for something, and once again wanting information I will risk my own life to keep. Feather ... apparently just as dangerous as the last two. Who'd have thought.

    Brendel approached me once I figured out he needed some time to speak, so I shooed away the girls, who were busy being girls, and asked him what he needed. Apparently ... he needed to get something off his chest. He had made mention of Feather and Cormanthyr once before... just before or after we regenerated the hand that Dwin lopped off. Needless to say, we were easily distracted from the topic at hand. Oh, that would be a terrible pun if I'd meant to write that.

    I left it at that, til yesterday. We were on the archer tower, and he told me that he and Feather were ... he hesitated, and for the first time in a long time, I got a familiar chill down my spine. A little reminder of the day I woke up to find her gone from the bed, her pack gone, her things gone from the trunk, and a note.

    He said that they were together, and I had to ask. I only managed a single word.

    "Explain."

    Working together? Was he helping her in Cormanthyr against her tyrant murderous brother? Or togther as in... carnally? Like laying with her?

    He replied with both... "Like a man and a woman yes, and helping, though only in what parts I may."

    Fire, then ice water. I felt my blood pump hard, then stillness, and I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hit him so hard he left the tower and broke his body on the wall.

    Calm. I had to calm. I think the only thing I was able to say was to ask, "How long."

    "The fark you mean how long?"

    "HOW LONG!?" I rememeber shouting then, and vaguely recalling the surprise of the others around us.

    "How long did I wait, wondering what in the HELLS happened to her? Wondering WHY she left and didn't let me come, refused my help, how long before she shacked up with YOU!?"

    "It wasn't a farking -plan- Jerrick!"

    Not a plan? So he magically got asked to Cormanthyr to help, while I was left in the dark? He had the nerve to ask how I was in the dark about it, and Eluriel stuck her high-and-mighty nose into it, saying we might like to move it elsewhere unless we want everyone to know our business.

    At this point, clearly I didn't know a damned thing anyway, so I ignored her. It's been easy to ignore her since the day she walked off on me, and several attempts to be nice to her, or speak to her, to reconnect with my mentor and friend from all those years ago, have fallen flat or been ignored completely.

    I lowered my voice, and only now realize that at this point, I had his cloak collar in my fist, and him backed against the post. I hissed at him, "Well aprdon me for wondering why the whoman who I loved left, and didn't invite me to help... but apparently asked -you- instead, and that making me a little jealous and upset. "

    "Then to find out, that you're -with- her? It seems a little suspect, if you get my drift. AND , to get this SHIT from my so-called friends, for moving on after she wrote a cute little letter of consent? her approval?"

    Brendel finally spoke back. "Don't you dare suggest that... shit from...."

    "No?"

    "Just who the fark are you mad at?" he asked accusingly.

    I finally let him go, and he took a moment to think, and swore.

    "Fark... I guess it does seem kinda... bad."

    "YES, it farkin' does. " He at least had the grace to blush. "Thanks for telling me, Brendel."

    He looked less like a trapped animal for a moment, and spoke once more. "Sorry I didn't see it that way."

    I guess I wasn't done, my mouth started in again without me. "Terribly sorry I'm an insensitive bastard who figured you were somehow involved with my previous lover before she left, since you ended up there with her when she didn't even tell me half of what's going on."

    That made him mad again. "Dammit, Given your penchant for overrreacting, I'm not sure I blame her!"

    "Oh, I've got your overreacting. " was all I could say. Now, I was going to pummel the little shit. I clenched a fist, and spoke instead. "I'll tell you what, Brendel." Lorelai tugged at my cloak. Eluriel spouted something haughty with the others below. I merely continued.

    "You have a couple fiances leave, vanish, or be killed, THEN you can talk to me about overreacting, bastard. Pardon me for giving a shit!"

    "That's not quite what I meant." he muttered. I barely grunted at him, I am still not sure I believe it. "But point taken." he conceded.

    "Anything else to open my eyes to? " he had nothing, and bowed formally. It felt mocking, and I did my best to return it.

    "This isn't quite what I expected. I am sorry to see it affect you so." he tells me, so I dismissed him before I affected HIM.

    "Then leave, before I do something else to make myself look bad. Please... " and I couldn't help but add my spite to the dismissal. "And I wish you two whatever happiness I couldn't bring her."

    Truthfully, I do. I just ... I guess I'm getting awfully sick of being reminded of how very expendable I am. Friends for years think me untrustworthy with the hearts of others, and don't take a moment to see that I've just been wrong. Hasty, wrong, overly hopeful, call it what I want, it really has no way to properly describe it.

    I looked for happiness in all the wrong places, while my 'soul mate' has been here all along, and even now, she tracked me down and talked to me. I'm sure she's right. I don't need to fear her leaving like the others. Is it because she's been here all along, and we never realized it for all those years?

    I'm not overthinking it anymore. I'm just going to get frustrated, and resent Feather for something she probably didn't intent. Same for Brendel.

    I really need to quit thinking this thought, but since the day I was pushed from that tree-top bridge, the example has shown itself time and time again. I don't think I ever will be able to understand how elves view the rest of us. I think I know a little more from experience now though. Great, just what I always wanted. Another reason.

    Rest easy Feather, wherever you are. I hope Brendel never does tell you how the news took me. I don't want you remembering me like this. I'd rather you thought I never heard about it, and went on remembering you as someone who would truly need me like you claimed.

    At least I know the meaning of soul-mate now. Gods am I ever a fool._


  • _I am NOT qualified to give relationship advice. Or even generic casual love-life advice. The sooner people realize this, the better. Yes, I can occasional dish out some helpful nuggest of golden information. The rest of the time? Giving relationship advice is tossing the dice every time, at best, even with the best advice and best intentions.

    I finally give in and offer what I thought to be good advice, and make it halfway through… something to the tune of ;

    "I think you should do with your life, whatever makes you happiest at the mome-" and I'm cut off. When I say cut, I mean literally, because it may as well have been a knife. It even looks as dramatic on paper as it sounds in my head, but dammit, how else should I feel when she says

    "Don't continue. You'll hurt me. "

    Prove Ronan right, huh? Just with someone other than Tindra?

    Little did I know being kind and trying to keep my meddling hands out of things for once, and explain that those decisions are best left to her, is more apt to hurt her.

    Fucking... ridiculous.

    First Eluriel, now Rith?

    Who else will I manage to alienate with my good intentions?_


  • _At this rate, I'm going to run out of ink.

    I walked a while after I wrote last… and I found myself shaking. Go figure. I can barely write this properly. I am no seer, or wise old sage. I don't know how to approach things like this, like being gripped with overwhelming fear and doubt, especially when it sneaks up and slaps me like this.

    She's back.. the Dark Enchantress. Thankfully she seems to pay me little enough heed, or at least she did just that when I saw her in the inn... but she's stated that she wants Lorelai back. Her "Kitty." MY kitty.

    So many have tried to fight this broad. So many have failed. What the HELL am I supposed to be able to do? I know I don't stand a chance. I can hurl ice and lightning, arrows and insults, and I doubt any of it would do me any good at all whatsoever.

    I have to do -something.- Perhaps I can beat her to it. I need to gather everyone, and I need to gather them fast. We need to go in, free Tindra, and get her and Lorelai accquainted once more so that they can work things out.

    I'm ... I'm assuming so much. I'm assuming this will work. I'm assuming we'll all be able to get there at the same time, and in time. I'm assuming that I'm doing thei right, and that my plans will work. Assume assume assume. I'm starting a dangerous trend, here. Is that why I can't shake this fear?

    I will move the land itself for Lorelai. Rend the skies, and call the Gods themselves to aid me, to help her. I will kill, and I will heal. I will fight, and I will talk and compromise. I will do anything that needs done to keep her safe... just for the chance to keep -her-. Please Mielikki... help. I have no right to ask after all you've already done for me, but I fear what may happen if I fail. Please. Help._


  • _Many things lead to drinking. Drinking elads to shenanigans. Shenanigans lead to ideas. Ideas lead to the dark side.

    And by dark, I mean dark rooms, dark sheets, dark piles of clothing on the floor. Also, dark smiles of strange women who comes outside to brag that they tied a fellow to a bed while he was passed out… who happened to be Vash't.

    Wasn't that a surprise. Well... to be honest with myself, it wasn't much of one. Not everyone in the room has a body that refuses to be affected heavily by poisons, and therefore alcohol... and there was a LOT of alcohol. I made my way to the room I suspected had my friends in it, and upon opening it, was greeted with... well, my friends.

    And dark piles of clothes on the floor.

    Fadia and Rith naked on (partially?) one bed, Vash't nearby tied securly to a bed. No evidence of anything actually having 'happened', but I wasn't going to go investigating closely, either. I cut the rope around his wrist, and stayed a moment to write him a quick little note. I left it in his new 'bracelet', and covered him with blankets. I did the same with the girls. I left.

    You know, my biggest worry used to be being alone, being rejected, being tossed out by the people I was supposed to be a part of. I don't want the past to happen again, and it's plagued me off and on for years. I think it's a major part of the reason I'm so mad at Ronan. He's judgemental like an elf. I didn't -do- anything to earn their ire, I simply was born as I am. In this case, things happened in every case that I had little to no control over.

    The least I can do is control a little of what happens in my friends lives. Even if that means affording them a little sheet-shaped dignity, and cutting a rope... it's something. I don't want any of this to make us fall out with one another, and it seems to have worked out since.

    Aww, Lorelai is purring in her sleep. It's about time. I hate seeing her have those nightmares. It helps when I rub her back like I do between thoughts, between refilling my quill. It's amazing what a simple touch can do.

    If only everything were this easy.

    Fadia seems to have known Tindra. Not Lorelai so much, but Tindra. I'll ask her to come too. Time grows short with the enchantress near. Here's the list. Don't forget it, jackass.

    Me. Thorn. Rith. Fadia. Magic and Blade. Blades and stealth. Divine power and shield. Knowledge of Tindra and magic and skill. With all of our skillsets and gifts, and my knowledge of the fey oaths ... will we be able to properly help Lorelai? Gods I hope so. I'm also terrified.

    What happens when I meet Tindra?

    I was less scared of the Dracolich... and that was terrifying._


  • _Celad was fired. Asked Dwin if anyone was above the law, to which Dwin said, "No." Celad apparently said Dwin was under arrest then, for assaulting Brendel, and Dwin gave the reply I thought he would.

    "I am the law."

    Needless to say, he fired Celad. He didn't ask the commander of the Militia to deal with it. He didn't explain, or apologize. One more bit of proof that this proposed 'talk' is a mummer show, with poorly trained mummers to boot.

    Oh, this stew is thickening to the consistency of what Dwarves call soup. Now, to go find Celad. And Clayton. And Caelisar._

    (Scribbled note)

    _Celad. Act Two.

    Will -she- be page three? Oh, this is getting good._


  • _It's been a while since I've written.

    Right now, I sit in the room that my love and I shared not even half a day ago. I made it ouft of the room for … ohh, about two or three hours, before I was called in for "Circle Business."

    Dwin seems to think that going to one of my close friends, and asking her to "Mediate" between him and the circle, will help him seem favorable and friendly, like a benevolent and compassionate leader who only wants the best for his people and their allies.

    Dwin seems to think that somehow, the Circle's relationship with Norwick has been damaged by his brash and moronic actions.

    Dwin seems to think... that he IS Norwick. Norwick is a place, and it's people. The figurehead at the top is hardly the town itself, and just because he knows a certain few influential woodsfolk are pissed at him, he wants to make amends, and amendments. Change laws, go over them with the neighbors, even offer recompense.

    I've even heard suggestions that he wants to know how to make this 'right' again. What's he going to do, offer a hand? I don't want his damned hand, neither does Brendel, nor does anybody who actually gives a shit about this little fiasco.

    If it were about giving something back, this would be pointless. This "Eye for an eye" mentality would leave all of Narfell blind. I won't have it, and neither will anyone who stands with me.

    I was asked, "Is this really bad enough to try to get rid of him for?"

    If this isn't... what the hell is? Was leaving someone unclothed and uncared for in a cell, with an open wound where his hand was, to die... ALMOST enough? Does someone actually have to DIE to prove that this is no way for someone responsible for so many lives, to act?

    What then? Say someone dies. What if that's not enough. Does it need to wait for the next person not to answer the call of a priest or their God, to make it a crime worth tossing him out on his ass for?

    I am a leader because I speak out, and because I lead from the front. I am a leader not just because of my actions, but because of WHY I do them. Some people don't care what a leader does, or what it's for, so long as the reason behind it is sound, and will follow a man to the ends of the lands. Not only that, but they will then ask how to build a boat so that they can go farther than the lands themselves for him.

    I don't see myself as that kind of leader, but I aspire to be, if that is what is needed. I wonder what Dwin's reason is._


  • (An event as it happened: This is not written, but merely recorded here for 'the record' so to speak. )

    The taller grasses whipped at the sensitive pink nose rushing through them at breakneck speed. The pink nose would have been cute, all whiskered and prone to twitching at interesting smells in an adorable fashion, had it not been for the armor-like places on the face of the cat attached to it.

    Up from the nose and down the head and back, the familiar tell-tale markings of a dire-tiger would have clued in anybody unfamiliar with the striped beast with the sabre-like fangs, that it could be trouble.

    This one, however… ignored everything it passed. Trees, shrubs, surprised prey-animals, even travelers were left unmolested, and possibly rather confused as the great beast ran for the treeline, and then alongside it, heading to one of the major roads our of Narfell... before disappearing into a copse of trees entirely.

    Moving -through- the woods was more difficult for a Tiger... that was best for crossing plains and fields. The deer that now bounded rapidly and efortlessly through the brush was a different story though. He bounced along as fast as he could, glancing through the trees to the road just barely visible through them once or twice, and caught a view of what he was looking for... something shiny.

    He passed it without another glance, hitting another field, and shifting into a hawk to find a suitable place for his task. Of course... that one would do nicely.

    It's not hard to find a copse of fallen trees when you know where to look from the sky. it's even easier to move them as a Dire bear, to the middle of the road where you want them, and set up a barricade of sorts. What is -not- easy, is thinking up a clever couple words to shape said logs into with magic, before the target walks up on them. Somehow... Jerrick managed.

    With a thankful prayer to Mielikki for his gifts, and thought upon his task, Jerrick shapes the wood using a spell known as "warp wood", into a simple message. Perhaps the blonde traveller would see it... perhaps she was too hung over, and might run into it?

    He chuckled to himself, and sat behind the structure to rest. And wait. Yes, it was his turn to wait this time, wasn't it? The man removes some jerky from his pouch and waits, chewing throughtfully, and hopes that a pillar of fire from the sky doesn't take the barrier before it's read.

    Hope. That's what this was all about, wasn't it?


  • _Came home to a letter under my door… and she's gone. Rith left, headed back to her supposed 'duty' that has nothing to do with her God, and everything to do with men who speak for that God.

    Her scent is still on the letter, it was left only hours ag-

    A hasty scrawl and a large blot of ink where the quill was left to rest, indicate… well, the only thing a reader can tell is that the quill was set down and left to bleed ink upon the page. Why, though?_


  • _A transcript, for posterity.

    "Hi Dwin. Catch." I told him, when I met him sitting at the fire in Norwick. He missed, but soon picked up the shiny things I tossed to him, the Chancellor in his armor, offering his sage words of advice to someone as I approached.

    "Hold them up to each other, and tell me what you see." I say, and he does so, as instructed. I continued, "Do you see two hands both holding objects with no difficulty, despite the fact that you have disagreed with somebody before?

    "Eh?" his eloquent reply.

    I waited for him to catch on, content to do so until he did, or spoke, which of course he did. Sadly, the answer left me unsurprised.

    "You for a point to make here Jerrick? Or are you riddle-making?" said the Chancellor in question, watching me curiously, still holding his gems.

    "It all depends if you're clever enough to realize that I disagree with your decision, and am calling you out on it." I replied without hesitation. This much, I expected.

    "I appreciate your input, Jerrick. " A pause, and then all the confirmation I needed. "What's done is done."

    I felt to be fair, I must confirm it with him, and nodded in agreement. "Sure is. And cannot be undone, or condoned. Nice having this talk"

    "Did we have a talk, Jerrick?"

    I lifted my hand to wave, then waved deliberately with the other hand as well. "Oh yes, we did. "

    He didn't pause long, before making his statement. It was hardly even a question, and he left room for me to speak, so I did.

    "I thought we were better friends than this…"
    "Yeah. Me too."
    "So, what do you want me to do?" he asked. "What is your sagely advice, Jerrick of the woods?"

    That, made me laugh as I gave my reply. I likely should have left by now, but damn if it didn't feel like Tymora was beckoning me.

    "Nothing. It's -exactly- as you said, Dwin, Chancellor of his own realm. What's done... is done. Thank you for your esteemed time."

    I bowed low to the ground, and he spoke more clearly then, and demanded the same of me.

    "Speak your mind, Jerrick."
    "Don't hide behind this acting."
    "If you have something to say, say it."

    I had a reply, as always, though that lucky feeling was swiftly moving away.

    "I did, and managed not to be threatened with arrest for it. I'll fold my cards while I am lucky."
    I waved then... might as well fan the fire I lit behind myself, if the keg I spoke to was half as dangerously unpredictable as he's shown he can be... at the moment.

    "You don't serve me." His parting words.

    Frankly? I'd hardly ever heard better... Maybe he'll get used to saying it soon. Time will tell._


  • _Loyalties.

    They change.

    They have secrets.

    They have… conditions.

    I question mine, now.

    For the sake of trying to help me, help myself, I'm going to risk writing things down bluntly, and if the people named find this, so be it. If you're reading this, enjoy knowing what I can't say to your face for your lack of being able to grasp where I'm coming from, be it from being unwilling, or unable to do it for other reasons.

    Ronan. - I remember when I met you. I had been killed by some nameless foe near 'old' Norwick, and someone found me, and brought me back to town. You offered to pay for my ressurection, and when I tried to thank you, ask how I could repay you, there was a public outcry of people tell me not to trust you. I did anyway, because you never demanded repayment, nor my services in some dark plot, nor any other foul thing people seemed to think of you.

    Celestria, when we were together, spoke to me of you many times. Both before my relationship with her was cut off by her feeling that our duties kept us from each other... til the day she married Andrew Tormier and after, she was close to you as well, and wished for your salvation. So too, did I. I aided her however I could, and trusted you when others did not. Did I betray her somehow back then, that I was unaware of? Did she tell you something that I even now do not know about, that planted the seed of distrust that has grown into a tree that bears poisonous fruit that you share with any who come near me, in an attempt to make them see me for the horrible person that I am?

    You too, were close to Kara. You and I were two of the very few that were able to approach her freely, and speak to her. You may have even been there when I put a scimitar to the Paladin Roland Brynmore's throat to keep him from attacking Kara while we spoke. Is that the source of your distrust? My eagerness to try to solve things without war, and making a brash decision to give a man driven by duty an unwilling way out from throwing himself at a foe who, if felled, may only be replaced with another in her stead?

    She was killed, and I was told that she was not the person I thought I knew, and just to let it go. If more of you knew, perhaps the odd couple might understand, but that is asking too much. No, I ask enough already, truly.

    Sierra came and went, someone who knew kara, took it upon herself to try and pull me out of my slump, and being the foolish young man I was, I jumped. She disappeared, shortly after my trip to Amn with her to save her father, and I've not seen or heard from her since. Do you blame me for her going, perhaps? Did I make some grave mistake in even bothering to try to find companionship again?

    Kaetlyn is everything I was not. Gentle, compassionately forgiving, kind even in the face of discrimination and senseless abuse towards herself, patient, dutiful, and calm. She was serentiy for my soul, and helped to calm my inner demons, my anger, my senseless age at times... and smooth over the weaknesses that I succumbed to from being hurt before. She was gone for five years. More than that... and I heard nothing from her, nor her from I. I am not all powerful. I cannot find someone merely by wishing it, especially when they have gone places that I know not, and nor can I follow with responsibilities keeping me here. Captain in the Legion, Elder in the circle, Leader of the Wolves, and whatever else I get myself into. I. Could. Not. Follow.

    We spent little time togther to begin with I fear, always being pulled away, or never even getting to meet up, due to whatever differences fate decided to pry at us with. It was not my wish to just, move on. That you could insinuate such, and say those things into the ears of people we both call friend makes me feel the stirrings of that old anger, like poking the embers of what was once a well fed fire, and seeing the glow that promises a raging blaze once more, if one should so much as haphazardly drop fuel on it. I almost fear taking a shape near you, if it's that of a hunting beast, that should I fail to control my emotions I should end up wishing to strike out at you. I will control that anger, as I have since Kara's death... but I feel it chewing at me. I wonder if Aelthas felt like this...

    Feather.

    I hardly know what to say about this. It was a rash decision, and the reason that I try to stay away from elves. There's something so... so very full of life, and joy, and the celebration of all the things that come with being elf that stirs part of my blood, the part that I resent at times, but the part that I know -belongs-, and that I have neglected as not being my own. I loved her, you lousy rat-bastard. I loved her like a fire takes a dry forest, two sides contributing to make something beautiful, but inevitably short lived. What most never realize, like not seeing the forest for the trees, is that wildfires bring new growth. They clear out the old and dead, the rot and the decay, purge the wekness and leave behind a clean start.

    Yes, thinking about Feather still hurts a bit. Alright, a good deal. I'm pathetic when it comes to feeling abandonment issues, I admit, but I am human. I am not a God, nor even a being of great and powerful magics, of knowledge beyond mortal ken, or experience beyond that of my peers. I am happy for the time we spent, but am aware that should she live through the trials that she refused to let me join her on, the ones she faces alone, my own lifespan, even bring altered by the fey themslves, likely will be no more than a sneeze on the winds compared to hers.

    I think she knows this. She wrote Tindra a letter, too. She gaver her blessing for us to be together, for what it's worth. I don't see myself as much of a prize these days, rather like a rusted sword that keeps getting passed on. Sure, it's got some story to it, and is still useful in many ways... but people like Ronan must find those spots of rust, and shout about them to the world so that everybody knows to beware this thing that will inevitably betray them. Don't try to fix it, don't give it a chance to harm you!

    Enough metaphor. Ronan has said that I throw loves away on a whim, that I breeze through lovers from one to the other, and that I will do the same to Tindra. He for some reason thinks I CHEAT on my lovers, that I would betray Tindra with Rith, because she is attractive. Did I accept Maya's offer in my house, her straightforward request for intimacy? I did not. Before Kaetlyn returned, while I waited those five long years for her return, did I act on the knowledge that Adriell (Who later vanished, only to return once i had moved on) and I could be something more? No. What about Albryanna, who confessed to loving me not only to Me, but to her fiancee, spurning him to attack me invisibly from behind with the intent to kill me, who had done nothing to earn his wrath!? I was not unfaithful to her then, either.

    Before I moved on, I left a letter where I knew Kaetlyn would find it, if she ever did return. I feel horrible inflicting the pain that I have felt on another, but ... I acted selfishly, and wanted no longer to be alone.

    Damn you, Ronan, for acting as if I should feel guilty for making a decision about my OWN life. Damn you Ronan, for making Rith so indescribably angry... your presumptions and accusations not only angering her by trying to paint a foul portrait of me, but also implying that she is some kind of slut, some woman of low morals who cares not for the sanctity of a relationship. Think whatever the fuck you want of me, but to attack her like that? If you have reason to attack her, and least leave ME out of it instead of using me as some kind of double edged seord against her and myself.

    Gods forbid, Ronan... I don't care which Gods, whose Gods, what Gods, or any other beings for that matter, but ALL of them forbid, Ronan, that you cause Tindra more grief with your attacks against me. You call me arrogant and selfish, but take no time to see yourself. I've wasted more than enough time defnding you over the years, vouching for you to all the folks from the Old days who only knew you were evil, telling them to take the chance to get to know you.

    The most damning thought keeps brushing across my mind, so maybe I can banish it on parchment. Perhaps if I give it a place to rest, it will give me some peace.

    Ronan, you've turned into Aramuil._


  • _Well good morning. And by good morning I mean… what else do you call it when you find two beautiful blonde women in your bed when you get home? More than that... what do you DO?

    Considering that when they heard me there were quiet giggles, I could tell that this was a cutesy little joke, so I pulled one of my own. I shapeshifted into a smaller wolf (So I don't mess up my mattress, poor thing) and squeezed myself between then, demanding petting and attention. Serves them right! Grr.

    A lot has happened since I last wrote, and I've hardly trusted myself to write it all down... hells, I don't even know why. I just got this sense of forboding whenever I looked at my journal. I guess I can be a bit of a fatalist, but when Aspen Blue's shade came by, and said something involving the end of my life nearing... I kinda figured this would be it. I mean... we went into the Lost City.

    Let me backtrack. I went to the circle, and suggested that we use the ritual of the circlestone and Irmunsil again to turn the woods agaisnt our attackers. Unfortuantely... it wouldn't have worked too well, except maybe against us. The other elders, however, were apparently aware that the focus was capable of more than that.

    I think it went something like...
    @933d2af846=Lagermane:

    Elder Bonegnasher: "Sound good! Let's do it! Tell all the beasts to tear everything limb from limb!"

    Ronan Addams: "You do realize that this is likely to result in our own forces being attacked by enraged animals as they move through the woods? For that matter, if the Dracolich or the Hungry One or whoever's in change of the Lost City these days realizes what we've done, they might try and simply 'lock the gates' and keep us out, letting the Rawlins do its dirty work for it."

    Elder Aklo: "Kill a lot of the tribes, too. I think we should do a ritual to set the Lost City on fire."

    Elder Shapeshifter: "Yes, Aklo, we know."

    Elder Thunderstepper: "Well, hold on, that's not entirely a bad idea. What if instead of turning the animals and the woods against the Lost City, we turned the elements against them?"

    Elder Lonetree: (sharply) "That's incredibly dangerous! The Circle in the Korathi Forest tried something like that, if you will recall."

    Elder Ronan Addams: "I've never heard of the Korathi Forest."

    Elder Lonetree: "Yes. Exactly."

    Elder Thunderstepper: "Think of the advantages, though. High winds could keep a lot of those fliers off of us. Bolts of lightning could strike the city and soften them up. Not to mention the sheer noise and violence would help hide our approach and movements."

    Elder Rainhammer: "It does sound… promising.... if risky. But less risky than enraging the living part of the wood."

    _When Elder Lonetree made their point, "Yes. Exactly" I admit that I shivered down to my bones, but this is something that we couldn't pass up. The pre-battle preparations were very much a part of this plan, and Horlamin, Adriell, Belia, and myself made sacrificial piles to the Gods of nature to show our dedication and ask for their blessings and aid.

    Most of the Gods were represented in a pile, and when we lit some of them, the rest of them lit themselves, showing that the Gods were indeed watching and accepting our offerings. It's a good thing too… because while we did so, the other Elders were beginning a ritual that... well, could have wiped up off the map.

    Instead... a huge storm began brewing over the Lost City, and periodically tremendous bolts of fire and lightning would rain down upon it. I suspect that we would have had a much harder time, had this not been the case.

    After fighting off the Ghost Wolves on the way there, and various undead opponents, a Yuan-Ti appeared to speak, and was struck down in a blink. Some folks yelled that others should have held, others were unrepentant.

    That's to be expected, as the Yuan-Ti have earned themselves quite a bit of animosity over the years by mind controlling people, and worse. The issue here, however, was more than that. I promised Rith that I would hold her honor intact, and ensure that our group did not knowingly join forces with a force of evil, so to speak.. and hells, just listening to the group behind me dissolve into shouts and disagreements was showing that the Yuan-Ti wouldn't survive an alliance with us, or the other way around, without some kind of miracle.

    Frankly, I was more interested i the type of Miracle we might get only if we did not accept aid from the Yuan-Ti. I took Horlamin at my side, and we moved ahead of the group, and I shouted to the woods for the Yuan-Ti to treat with me. I was greeted by what could have only been an assassin from it's garb and weapons, and stealthy entrance, and told that the Yuan-Ti do not suffer to be killed... and it sounded like a threat, but I made no moves to even defend myself unless I was to get attacked right then, and did my best to calmly explain that an alliance was not going to work.

    I told them that completely regardless of my own words, there was going to be no way the two groups could work together, and warned them to stay well out of sight of the party, or even I could not stop a complete battle. The first Yuan-Ti agreed reluctantly, when one I know personally appeared. Her name is Wild-Earth, a Druid. I am glad we Druids have a bit of a kinship regardless of race, as it was nice to know for certain that I would at least have time to speak.

    We were warned, of a Drow force, and worse, in the gardens behind us, waiting to attack. It was simply that, and nothing more that was said, however, when I went back and warned the group, the general response (Or the only one I heard because Grag is so loud) was "Fark the Drow!" and we moved on without watching our backs.

    Damned silly, that... and Rain and I stood shoulder to shoulder across the bridges, mostly walking backwards the entire trip there, to ensure that we were not surprised without at LEAST a shield wall that could last a couple of seconds to buy the others time to pass up the message.

    Rith stayed close. Thank the Gods, as I ended up needing her there a bit more than intended. The back was not a quiet place, with Undead harpies and worse showing up to hamper and harm throughout the trip, including a huge Undead Wyvern that got a good strike in against me. I was glad to finish that fight.. I don't like fighting huge critters next to ledges that I could easily be pushed off by such strong beasts.

    The rest of the battles were very nearly a blur. Demons, portals, summoning circles, Old Nars magical equipment, all of it was there, and some of it had unexpected results with it's use or discovery. It was there that we had some casualties... but people were gathered, I am certain some were raised when we hit the top of the tower, and we moved on.

    It was... rough. We encountered more of the Dracoliches minions, but could not necessarily discern where the phylactery piece was imbedded into it... as my vision years ago told me. Talos pointed it out, so I knew that relying on Him was my best bet... he's a proud, honorable God, and I was glad to have been honored with speaking to him. I promised him that I would do my best to channel his lightning upon that tower myself... so I began thinking of a plan so long as the ritual lasted til after we were ready to leave. My praying resumed about there...

    I think I became a lot more concerned with the Afterlife when I saw the dracolich for the first time. It was a gigantic bone monstrosity, and even powerful spells seemed to barely bother it... until they started coming in fron every direction around it. I think... that it may have been expecting a smaller force. It likely was not expecting so many itsy bitsy little flies such as ourselves to swarm it so... or to hit like demigods with spell and sword, using powerfully enchanted weaponry and artifacts.

    It crumbled after a few tense minutes, while I ran up to the frontliners to heal whoever backed off a bit. We all survived it... not only that, but we all survived it with so little loss to our personal spells and reserves, that there was a clamor to go to the cold place higher on another part of the towers, another spire, and finish the Hungry One for good.

    I mean... all we had to do was step into his own pocket plane and kill him ourselves, right? It would have been that easy, if his Avatar were not already waiting for us at the top. Heh.

    I remember constant Hezrou popping up from another demon portal, while a gigantic furious bear of immense power that radiated a bone chilling cold that made the air around it freeze into deadly icicles attacked, and then I remember running. Something struck a horrible fear into me while I was healing frontliners, but it soon passed, and I ran forward once more, nearly exhausted of spells... and turned my blade upon the bear.

    The Gods were watching, likely Tempus more eagerly than most, and perhaps Auril. No, definitely Auril. She's had good reason to be angry with Wendigo coming back under the influence of a demon lord of undeath to enroach on her domain, and if that cold wind didn't sound like laughter off that tower when we struck his avatar down... then I'm a badger biscuit.

    His portal. It was rimmed in ice, blowing a soul-shearing wind from itself, and waiting for us to jump in. It was hardly a chance we could give up... so the group decided that we would take a crack in it. That horrible elf Raryldor was there, with Aramuil... and they had the spear that could slay him. I may dislike the hell out of those two, but thay had the weapon that was needed, so we would keep them alive. Simple as that... but I had another task ahead of me.

    I stood upon the tower, the other Druids simply moving beside me, and raised my Stoneblade and Druid staff high above my head, praying that the Elemental Fury that was swirling above our heads would focus upon the place that I stood, and once our prescense had left the lost city, or the plane for long enough, that it would unleash itself here, spend itself completely, and destroy this tower. This spire seemed as good a place as any for a Phylactery to be built in... right? I don't know about any undead Dragons or Bear avatars, but if I had two of those guarding a tower, I'd sure put something of value there.

    Needless to say... we jumped into the portal with the rest of them as soon as people went through, and were immediately met by the spirits of the Hungry One's previous followers, dead elves who attacked us on sight, and were thankfully repelled by Rith or whoever else put the fear of life into the undead. Meanwhile, the others assaulted Wendigo, with Rary piercing the body with the spear...

    I feel bad for Wendigo, and I went over to doublecheck that he was indeed finally put to rest, not as an insult to Raryldor or Aramuil, but just to ensure for the circle that I had indeed seen it with my own eyes, and closed the eyes of the Godling myself. His heart was pierced clean through, and he was surely on his way to wherever dead corrputed God-figures go. Unfortunately for him... I am afraid his place won't be too nice, with his involvement with a demon lord of undeath and all...

    The battle was pitched leading up to his demise, and the sky rained ice constantly. It was all I could do to concentrate on healing folks, and passing my hammer off to Kence had been a smart move, too. It had a little bit of Wendigo and his forces on it... but most stuff cleans off. I think...

    We all survived, though some of us by barely a hair, and we leaped back throught the portal, and took off immediately. I stopped, once I figured it was a safe distance, and watched the skies above the Lost City... hoping, praying, and wishing... when it happened.

    It was a deafening roar that pierced the air, putting dragons and the warhorns of armies alike to shame. The storm had focused... paused it's assault JUST long enough to reorient on where I had stood, and a childish but strange voice rang through the air, saying something to the lines of, "Do you like fire? I like fire..."

    Then the top of the east spire of the tower simply exploded. It erupted in a gout of flame and lightning, ice and whatever else the skies could find to dump at once, exhausting the ritual... but apparently blowing the HELL out of the tower where the Demigod and his Pet, and all of their toys resided. Gods, I hope that Phylactery was finished off... and praise be to Talos for that power of storms. It was a storm to be remembered...

    Mielikki guarded and guided me throughout that battle, and I feel that I paid her back for keeping me alive so many times previous to this, as I was able to tend wounds, cure diseases before they set in, and stabilize the dying many times throughout the fight. I feel that I served as I was expected, and my soul is at peace.

    I finally need rest, and I REALLY need to see Tindra. She won't believe I'm truly okay til she sees me, I think, and I don't want to worry her more. It's time to go home.__


  • _What the hell do I do with myself now?

    I spent hours… no, half a fucking day, trying to moderate between various people who argued like crazy over matters both serious and petty, as if they were all world-ending issues. It's driving me absolutely foaming raving rabid.

    There's a racist elf, a smirking negative energy happy ... Sogar, whatever he is, angry Druids, the ever judgemental Ronan (Who has NO place to judge right now, though I don't think he knows it) and Soliel, mostly.

    I'm a bad person because I don't 'trust' her enough to let her in on the big 'secrets' I pull people away to talk to. Yeah, I'm sorry woman, that I don't want you traipsing about inside my lovers mind because I hardly know you, and what little I do know is that you're highly emotional, quickly judgemental based on appearances, and are in no way involved in the situation!

    Yeah, I chewed her out pretty badly, and am still frustrated as hell about it. I try to be nice, and kind, and care for people... but it seems that all I end up doing is setting myself up some expectations that I can fail later, and get involved in more of this dramatic ridiculousness. Speaking of dramatic ridiculousness...

    I'm going to have to get Dwin to meet me someplace, with Horlamin, and sit them both the hell down, introduce them both properly to each other, and have a properly pleasant conversation. Rith and Vash fixed their misunderstandings where I tried to mediate between the two and simply became obsolete while they fixed it on their own.

    Perhaps I'll have Vash and Adriell and Horlamin all sit with Dwin, maybe toss Wren in the pot too. We'll all sit down, nobody leaves until we have a pleasant conversation, meet one another, and figure out what the HELL is up everyone's ass.

    I can't babysit. Not when I have to try to figure out who is fighting the Dracolich, how to help Lorelai and Tindra, watch out for these Malarites to respond to my denial of their treaty, patrol the woods for those Mad-God cultists that captured me, defend the gate when I can against all manner of terrors, avoid being taken ALIVE by the dracoliches forces, or the forces of the Hungry One, as it may be, watch out for the racist elves who attacked someone a while back, hope that we actually got rid of our shade and shadow problem, try to earn enough money to pay Val back her five thousand and still be able to buy potions and spell components, show Rith as much of Narfell as I can while I still can so that she can better do her duties, try to calm her down so she's not stressing herself out over Lorelindra too, be more active with the circle so that vash doesn't think I am neglecting my duties and heap more criticism on me, try to actually interact with the circle despite Marty not being officially kicked out even though she's a traitorous schemer, get my paperwork done for the Wolves items I have to finish the order for, fix the ranking, test more people, check out Clayton and Celad personally to get them initiated if the pack still agrees, find a way to apologize to Myrrha for being an asshole and a bully, find out if Aelthas is alright, re-organize my pack from dumping everything when I tripped after defeating the shadows, sharpen my swords, clean the stoneblade, oil my leathers, ward my HOUSE somehow so I can't be captured right out of it, and while I'm at it, make some breakfast for Tindra who is sleeping beside me, and Rith who is sleeping downstairs.

    Sleep?

    Who has time for that? I'll have to make a proper checklist, reading back upon my last lines. Guess I'll add that to my list.

    -Make a list_


  • _Chewing someone out for walking off, then walking off later myself isn't exactly the best fix to a situation, but it's better than finally snapping the tight leash on my patience and acting even worse. This is what I needed. Time to relax, write, be alone for a moment and sort my thoughts.

    We fought off waves of Fire elementals, nearly all choked to death on smoke, but managed to call rain together to quench the fire, us Druids in the group. Sheesh, I can hardly write straight.

    Apparently there was a dire bear that ran terrified out of the woods, and the gate defenders attacked and killed it, despite Adriell calming it, and she's furious. Granted, I would be too, but I know pack mentality better than most. People fire when someone else does, and it's hard to hear over battlecries, the twang of strings, and the scream of a scary animal to hear someone shout to stop shooting, they have it handled. Hells, some folks don't know what a Druid can do!

    I There is a jagged scratched line where he was startled

    Danika is here with pastries. Looks like I get to talk. I'll continue this later._