3. The Chronicles of Pain: Life According to Jaelle

The Chronicles of Pain: Life According to Jaelle

  • R

    The Maiden of Pain Dances in My Head

    The world is filled with pain and torment, and the best that one can do is to suffer those blows that cannot be avoided and deal as much pain back to those who offend. ~The Dogma of Loviatar~

    Since coming to the Narfell region, my life has taken many twists and turns. I have learned the value of friendship and taken on the life of a sailor. Not really a trade that I had in mind for myself, but the gold is worth it. Trusting others is still a hardship for me, but I am slowly learning to trust my new brothers and sisters in the Sails. They are an odd bunch to say the least, but at least they get my humor. One in particular has captured my eyes. I am puzzled by my reactions to him, as I have never experienced anything like this before…it's disconcerting to say in the least, but I am unsure how to cope with it...I wonder if I am falling ill...

    A Baron from Damaria has landed in Peltarch. I am extremely apprehensive about the situation. I am hoping that no one in the Damarian contingent recognizes me, as being arrested and taken forcibly back to Damaria to be hanged for my crimes, is not something I look forward too...I try to avoid notice, but it's hard to when I would rather be in Peltarch with my crew.

    My progress in training has taken a turn for the worst recently. I think the Maiden of Pain is enjoying my current failings, and I can't blame her. If it was any other person besides myself, I would enjoy it too...

    The headache I have acquired since my last fall to death, has turned bittersweet as I do not enjoy failing in any task I have taken upon myself. Those whom have caused my death, will pay in the most of gruesome of ways. I will have my revenge...

  • R

    _Thanks for all you've done
    I've missed you for so long
    I can't believe you're gone and
    You still live in me
    I feel you in the wind
    You guide me constantly

    I never knew what it was to be alone, no
    'Cause you were always there for me
    You were always home waiting
    But now I come home and I miss your face
    So smiling down on me
    I close my eyes to see

    And I know you're a part of me
    And it's your song that sets me free
    I sing it while I feel, I can't hold on
    I sing tonight 'cause it comforts me

    I carry the things that remind me of you
    In loving memory of the one that was so true
    You were as kind as you could be
    And even though you're gone
    You still mean the world to me

    I never knew what it was to be alone, no
    'Cause you were always there for me
    You were always home waiting
    But now I come home and it's not the same, no
    It feels empty and alone
    I just can't believe you're gone

    And I know you're a part of me
    And it's your song that sets me free
    I sing it while I feel, I can't hold on
    I sing tonight 'cause it comforts me

    I'm glad it sets you free from sorrow
    But I'll still love you more tomorrow
    And you'll be here with me still
    All you did you did with feeling
    And you always found a meaning

    And you always will
    And you always will
    And you always will

    And I know you're a part of me
    And it's your song that sets me free
    I sing it while I feel, I can't hold on
    I sing tonight 'cause it comforts me

    ~ In Loving Memory – By Alter Bridge ~_

    Another New Diary – Entry 32

    Jay went to face his destiny and I watched from afar as one man faced a small army. Every part of my being cried out to help him, to protect him. But I knew deep in my heart, that this is what he wanted and I couldn't rob him of that. It was the biggest one sided farce of justice I have ever witnessed in my life, and I hope I'll never see anything like it again.

    The deep gnomes showed up right before the battle began. I'm sure that Jay or myself will be blamed for their appearance. I'm starting to regret my involvement with them, but it's too late now…

    I sit here quietly in this little abandoned abode that Jay and I shared for a time. His scent still lingers on the pillows. Sometimes I think I see him out of the corner of my eye or his monotone voice whisper something in my ear. There are times I wake up and swear I feel his hand resting on my hip. Maybe he is here, watching over me, or maybe it's all a figment of imagination in order to cope with his death better. Either way, this time is different. This time I know he is where he wants to be.

    Gods I miss him...

    //I just wanted to reach out and say thanks to all the players who have helped in the creation and destruction of Jaelle...it's been one of the most intense RP sessions on Narf I've ever had the pleasure of being a part of. I want to especially thank Summoner for helping shape Jaelle into what she is now and for helping me to bring her story alive in ways I never thought imaginable... Jaelle's story is slowly coming to an end and I hope that all of you will enjoy it as much as I will. //

  • R

    Another New Diary…Entry 1
    _She said life's a lot to think about sometimes
    When you're living in between the lines
    And all the stars they sparkle and shine everyday

    He said life's so hard to move in sometimes
    When it feels like I'm towin' the line
    And no one even cares to ask me why I feel this way

    I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
    That's the same road, the same road that I am on

    He said life's a lot to think about sometimes
    When you keep it all between the lines
    Of everything I want and I want to find, one of these days

    What you thought was real in life somehow steered you wrong
    Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong

    I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
    That's the same road, that same road that I am on

    What you thought was real in life somehow steered you wrong
    Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong

    I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
    That's the same road, that same road that I am on

    ~The Road I'm On By Seether ~_
    –---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    So much has happened since the explosion. I traveled the Hells and was returned to Toril. I am still broken, but at least I have been assured that She won't be causing problems. Well…she won't be going on a killing spree anyway. Thank the Gods.

    As I expected, my return to Narfell was not a welcome one. I was met by hostility and wary caution. That's only to be expected considering I killed Drelan. I doubt he will be able to forgive me for that, so I will avoid him if I can. Sabre at least was willing to listen to what I had to say.

    Jay...what can I say? It's like coming home. Our time together is one of joy and love but there is an underlying sorrow and urgency as well. We both have our parts to play, and instead of worrying about what is to come, we both seem to be more content in enjoying what time we have.

    Speaking of, I think I hear his clanking. I should welcome him home from a successful foray against the deep gnomes.

  • R

    _And to those to which we sing,
    We are honored you let us in
    I remember the thoughts of many things,
    Of the glory that you bring

    I was never the right one to dare to dream,
    It's funny what this life has done to me now
    You were always the only,
    To help me see there was a road I must find,
    A road that was mine

    But I'm down to my last,
    I'm standing here alone
    Looking back, on it all
    But I'm down to my last,
    I'm ready but I'm wrong,
    And I'm blind to it all

    And to the world to which we sing,
    Want to try to do us in
    I remember your name and I know your face
    Can't forgive and can't erase

    I was never the right one
    To bear the weight of something fueled by words
    I'd learn to hate
    You were always the only
    To help me see that to love is to shine
    In your world, blind

    But I'm down to my last
    I'm standing here alone
    Looking back on it all
    But I'm down to my last
    I'm ready but I'm wrong
    And I'm blind to it all

    [solo]

    But I'm down to my last
    Well I'm ready but I'm wrong,
    And I'm scared of it all

    But I'm down to my last
    I'm ready but I'm wrong
    And I'm blind to it all
    But I'm down to my last
    And I'm ready but I'm wrong
    And I'm blind to it all

    Down to My Last by Alter Bridge_

    New Journal Entry 3

    It's time…the device is nearly completed. My other self has allowed me some time to write some letters and to contemplate my (our) fate. I don't know what will await me in my death but I am willing to accept whatever happens.

    Jay sent me an unexpected gift. Svirfneblin. Jay apparently paid them a hefty sum to escort me out of Narfell and to see to my safety, but when the commander was told about the device, they quickly changed their minds and are now making sure that I accomplish my goal. I can't stand their commander. Smelly asshole that he is, but my other self finds him rather amusing. The whole chaos thing seems to make her happy.

    I hear something down the passageway. Sounds like combat....

    _Jaelle quickly shuts her journal, spilling ink across the bottom of the page in her haste. She gathers her gear and secures a strange device to her chest. Grabbing her axe she starts to jog towards the sounds of battle only to stop when she hears a familiar voice yell “Run!” She turns and runs back towards the corner of the cave where she finds a gnome mage standing next to a portal. He ushers her, and the gnome commander through then locks the portal behind them. She stands there stunned a moment as she realizes she is now in Oscura. The one place she needs to be. The commander and Jaelle look at each other and chuckle when the rush of armored feet snap them back to the task at hand. They quickly cut a path through the guards, and commoners alike who got in their way. They reach the door of the Mithril without being wounded all that much. The commander looks at Jaelle as she adjusts and pushes some kind of lever on the odd contraption she is wearing and says, “Well it looks as if I'm going to die with you! The chaos this will cause!” She snorts and pushes open the door as someone down the street yells, “Halt!” She hurriedly steps into the tavern and is immediately assaulted by none other then her former employer and close friend, Admiral Drelan Ashire. She grits her teeth as the gnome commander dives into combat. She spots Thor through the haze, and all else around her falls into a haze. She dodges and darts around Drelan and the gnome and dives for Thor. As she lands on top of him, she presses a button and then her whole world is enveloped in agonizing flames. When the pain subsided she opened her eyes to find herself sitting in front of a creature dripping flame, evil oozing from it's very pores…

    “Welcome to your new home Jaelle...don't get comfortable as you won't be staying for very long.”_

  • R

    New Journal Entry 2

    _Help me if you can
    It's just that this, this is not the way I'm wired
    So could you please,

    Help me understand why
    You've given in to all these
    Reckless dark desires

    You're lying to yourself again
    Suicidal imbecile
    Think about it, put it on the faultline
    What'll it take to get it through to you precious
    Over this. Why do you wanna throw it away like this
    Such a mess. I don't want to watch you.

    Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
    What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

    Medicated, drama queen, picture perfect, numb belligerence
    Narcissistic, drama queen, craving
    fame and all its decadence

    Lying through your teeth again
    Suicidal imbecile
    Think about it, put it on the fautline
    What'll it take to get it through to you precious
    Go with this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
    Such a mess, I don't wanna watch you…

    Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
    What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

    They were right about you
    They were right about you

    Lying to my face again
    Suicidal imbecile
    Think about it put it on the fautline
    What'll it take to get it through to you precious
    Over this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
    Such a mess, Coalesce, Coalesce

    Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
    What's your hurry, everyone will have his day to die
    If you choose to pull the trigger,
    should your drama prove sincere,
    Do it somewhere far away from here

    The Outsider by A Perfect Circle_

    The days and nights all seem to blend together. I woke in a familiar place at least. Well…it's becoming familiar as we haven't moved to a new hiding place yet. My other self must think this place is fairly secure. Wherever that is.

    It seems her plans are moving along nicely as there are now fish gut bombs and goblin grenades all over the place, a bunch of tools and what looks as if plans for some kind of device. Whatever she has planned looks as if it will be a violent end to all of this and for once I wholeheartedly approve of what I can glean from this plan. I wonder if I'll die in the process. That would be a welcome end to this nightmare. Although, I still can't leave this world until I know for sure that Jay is okay.

    Loving him has totally destroyed me. I knew it would when I felt that first twinge of unfamiliar emotion. Ah well. At least I know I was loved and have loved in return.

    I have feeling that this will all be coming to end soon. I should get a few letters written and somehow sent off. I wonder if Jerrick would be willing to pass on a letter to Brendel for me...yeah...so not going to happen. I've turned everyone against me. Even my closest friends. I have nothing left...Not even the comfort of my own thoughts, as I don't even trust them to be my own.

    I can't wait for this to all be over with...Death will be a welcome release...

  • R

    New Journal Entry 1

    _All I've ever wanted was destiny to be fulfilled,
    it is in my hands, I must not fail,
    I must not fail.

    Even through the darkest days,
    this fire burns, always.
    this fire burns, always.

    This is the broken ground
    Misery begins to rise.
    Turn away from yesterday,
    tomorrow's in my eyes.

    Nevermore to be held down
    by the wings of history.
    Nevermore to be cast aside,
    this day is mine.

    Even through the darkest days,
    this fire burns, always.
    this fire burns, always.

    I will not be denied
    in this final hour.
    I will not be denied,
    this day is mine.

    The passion inside me,
    is burning, is burning.
    The passion inside me,
    is burning, is burning.

    Even through the darkest days,
    this fire burns always (always).
    This fire burns (fire burns) always.

    Always (always).

    ~This Fire by Killswitch Engage~_

    My journal has gone missing so I pilfered this book from some unsuspecting fool traveling the Nars. Who travels the Nars without weapons or guards? Idiot…

    I've lost more and more time and I keep waking to find myself in a different place. It seems I am on the run from the looks of my clothing and the dreams I have had. Gods...the dreams...all those people...and the dwarf! I can't believe in my dream state I seduced a dwarf. Uhg...I feel sick even thinking about it...

    I've been trying to figure out where I am since I woke up a few hours ago. I never see myself in my dream state walking towards any particular place so where I wake up is always a surprise. I don't know if the “other” me is trying to keep me from running or what it is. Either way, I really hate waking up in unfamiliar places. Although, this cave that I am in isn't as bad as the last place I woke up in. Imagine waking up to the sounds of a dragon grumbling. Yeah...that happened. Oh and then there was the cave that smelled like rotting flesh. I bolted from there as swiftly as I could. The other me sure knows how to pick 'em.

    I guess the one nice thing about all of this, is that we are getting closer and closer to our end goal. I'm pretty sure we are going to die in the attempt. They would be idiots to not make the place heavily guarded. We don't have any invisible potions left nor the gold to buy any more. So it's going to be extremely difficult to get in. Hell, we'll probably die before we make it 100 feet. I hope my other self has a plan, because I sure as hell don't have one. I can't fail...I have to see this through to the very end...

    Fuck...I'm now starting to think as we...Why in the hells am I not bothered by any of this? Why am I so accepting of all of this? Why do I let her use me like this? I really didn't want to kill any of these people...well...the dwarf deserved it, but other then that, they were all innocents.

    I don't know who I am anymore. Ilmater help me...

  • R

    Journal Entry 674

    _A living nightmare, asleep but still aware.
    The endless torture.
    The painless pleasure.
    I grasp myself.
    Trying to regain control.
    I experience and learn.
    In another faction of my mind.
    So confused.
    But everything makes perfect sense.
    Can't feel the pain.
    Emotional pain's so much deadlier.
    Lost, you've just been raped.
    Pain. Your friends can't help you.
    Why wont they help you? Another reality.
    This can't be happening.
    Why is this happening?
    Who the fuck are you?
    Who the fuck. Are you?
    Trying hard to figure out what's done.
    I scramble but now I run.
    The images in my head.
    All the problems that I've been fed.
    Punching slowly my mind can't change the speed.
    As my victims bleed.
    No matter what I do or how hard I try.
    I can't use my abilities.
    Use my abilities.
    Art of Illusion.
    My razor sharp knife's edge, pierces my victim's body.
    But I can't take their soul.
    Punching through jello, stabbing not killing.
    Disappointment. Discomfort.

    ~ The Art Of Subconscious Illusion by Avenged Sevenfold ~_

    I lost several days. There are several scratches on my back…I'm not sure where they came from. I dreamed of killing a young man. He was probably no more then 18 years old. Just a child. I haven't heard rumors of it happening, but I think it's time I disappear for awhile. I left a note for the Sail's and one for Jay. I'm not sure where I am going to go yet, but I'll find a place to hide. I can't leave Narfell...not yet. Not until I know for sure that Jay is free...Then I can leave...But what is going to keep me from losing time where ever I go? How can I stop the killings? I feel so lost...so broken...The dreams of those I “killed” continue to replay in my mind, and yet I still don't feel anything besides numbness..I feel no regret, no remorse, nothing. I feel absolutely nothing...

    I thought I left this monster behind in Damara. I thought she was dead. Why is she coming back now?Why is this happening...I'm so fucked...

    The hand writing in the journal changes drastically from a cramped print into a feminine scrawl.

    I am the real you Jaelle. The person you should have been and will become. I am your dark side. The side you can no longer ignore and suppress. It's time to embrace every side of yourself Jaelle…It's time to be the real you...

  • R

    Warning - Language is more suited to adult audiences

    Journal Entry 673

    _How the fuck are we supposed to know
    When I'm a monster, with the way
    You refuse to die
    How the fuck are we supposed to know
    If we're in love
    Or if we're in pain

    I'm a tightrope walker
    I can't find my circus
    And I'm damaged beyond repair
    You're just a coffin
    Of a girl I knew
    And I'm buried in you

    You never said "I'll end up like this" [2x]
    No. No, no, no

    Sometimes I dream I'm an exterminating angel
    A traveling executioner from heaven
    Sometimes I dream I'm an exterminating angel
    A traveling executioner from heaven
    Sent to give you the prettiest death I know
    Call the grave and make our reservations

    You never said "I'll end up like this" [2x]
    No!
    You never said "I'll end up like this" [2x]
    No, no, no, no

    Are we in love or are we in pain?
    [repeat]

    How the fuck are we supposed to know
    When I'm a monster, with the way
    You refuse to die
    How the fuck are we supposed to know
    If we're in love
    Or if we're in pain

    Why is my wound a front door to you?
    Am I my own shadow?

    ~ Unkillable Monster ~ Marilyn Manson_

    I woke up this morning wearing my armor, it was stained with blood. I'm not sure if it's mine or not. It feels as if my nose was broken. I didn't work last night. It was my night off. I had planned on camping in the woods where…well...that isn't important. It's almost like my dreams are really happening. I dreamt last night that I killed a man. I slit his throat and threw him into a chasm. He punched me in the face as I held him down and oddly, I'm not disturbed by it. I should be though. I can't tell up from down anymore. How should I feel besides numb?

    The strange outfit is back. I found it in my bag and it's now sitting on a chair next to the bed. It seems I got all the blood stains out of it at least. Why don't I remember buying this outfit? Is it really mine or is someone playing games with me?

    I did black out few days ago while at the Ferret. I lost track of two hours. When I came too, my shift was over and I was in my room. I asked the other bouncers what happened and they gave me odd looks. Saying I finished my shift, had a few drinks and then went back to my room. Why don't I remember that? More importantly, why doesn't that bother me?

    Jaelle, who are you becoming, are you becoming the monster that you thought you had killed in Damara?

  • R

    Warning - Language is more suited to adult audiences

    Journal Entry 658

    _Lying naked alone
    On the bathroom floor
    Evacuating pain… fear
    NO MORE!

    And I can't get his scent off of me

    She wants to be a messiah
    Without the crucifixion
    She wants to fuck delilah
    Without samson's Intervention
    She wants to be a deity and rule us everyday
    And punish the wars of your rich gods and the martyrs that they slay
    She wants to see galaxies
    All the planets and the stars
    She wants to be a fallen angel without the swollen scars

    Unclean
    Unclean
    Fillthee
    And I can't get his scent off of me
    Unclean
    Unclean
    Fillthee
    And I can't get his scent off of me

    She wants to free the kingdom
    Be worshipped by the earth
    She wants to be the prophet
    For ten times what shes worth
    She wants to break free from eve
    And leave them all behind
    To be born again in the thrill of sin
    And revive her dying mind
    She wants to stand
    Rape the King
    Slaughter the daughter kill everything
    Burn the world and let her soul be free
    Ignite the nebulas of eternity

    Unclean
    Unclean
    Fillthee
    And I can't get his scent off of me
    Unclean
    Unclean
    Fillthee
    And I can't get his scent off of me

    Don't touch me there
    Oh, I know you're scared
    Kill the need in me
    And I remain

    Unclean
    Unclean
    Fillthee
    And I can't get his scent off of me
    Unclean
    Unclean
    Fillthee
    And I can't get his scent off of me

    Why should I be afraid?
    It's not the first time I've tasted pain
    Why should I be afraid?
    It's not the first time I've tasted pain

    And I can't get his scent off of me

    ~ Fillthee by Otep ~_

    Fuck me…I woke up this morning and found blood covering my hands. It's not mine...I don't know who it belongs too...Human or monster or both I don't know. I don't remember how it got there. Did I drink to much last night? No...I worked my shift at the Ferret, tossed out a few drunks and then went back to my room to crash for the night. I remember laying down on my bed, but that's it...

    On the bottom of the page, in a rushed and crazy hand…red splotches smearing some words is written:

    Ilmater help me…I found bloody clothes in my bag...I don't remember buying them...Who do they belong too? Oh gods...I can't get the blood out...it's everywhere...what have I done? oh gods what have I done...

  • R

    Journal Entry 655

    _I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
    I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
    But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
    Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
    And I

    [Chorus:]
    I've woken now to find myself
    In the shadows of all I have created
    I'm longing to be lost in you
    (away from this place I have made)
    Won't you take me away from me

    Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
    I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
    I can't go on like this
    I loathe all I've become

    [Chorus]

    Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
    I have grown so weary of this lie I live

    I've woken now to find myself
    In the shadows of all I have created
    I'm longing to be lost in you

    I have woken now to find myself
    I'm lost in shadows of my own
    I'm longing to be lost in you

    Away from me.

    ~ Away From Me by Evanescence ~_

    I've been staring at this page now for what seems like hours. So much has happened over the last few weeks that I am having a hard time comprehending it all. All I can really figure out at this point is that I hate myself. I hate the person I'm becoming, but I can't seem to stop it either. I'm losing this battle against myself. It's only a matter of time before I fall completely into this hell I have created for myself.

    Brendel came back for a short time. I once thought he was one of the few who could anchor me…to help keep my evil twin at bay...but now she lusts for his blood. I demanded that he leave. To flee from me, never imagining that he actually would. It hurt to watch him fade into the blackness of the Rawlinswood, but it is for the best. I could never love him like he deserves. I hate myself for making him break his oaths...but at least he is now free of me...safe...

    I talked with Drelan today about some problems I am having with a crew member. I'm not sure what he will do about it, but I'm hoping some kind of test of loyalty will be issued.

    I woke up this morning to my senses filled with Jay's scent. It was almost intoxicating in it's intensity. It's now gotten to the point that I find myself sleeping in one of his old shirts that he left behind. His scent still lingers on it and it surprisingly gives me some semblance of comfort. If I ever see him again, I'll have to ask him to wear the shirt for a few days to renew the scent...Gods I miss him...

    There are so many thoughts and secrets I want to write here and share...but I can't...it eats me up that I can't write the things that I want too...no...need too...it's no wonder that I am losing my mind.

    Ilmater have mercy on my soul for what I am about to do...

  • R

    Journal Entry 651

    _"These violent delights have violent ends
    And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
    Which as they kiss consume."

    • William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 2.3_

    I challenged an Oscuran Guard to a duel in the Bodack the other day. We made a wager, and I lost…I kept my end of the deal, but I lost control. I tried to kill the guard...it was as if an old friend came knocking on my door and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't turn her away. Oh sweet temporary comfort she gave me, but it wasn't enough. I needed more...I wanted more...I craved it...Violence, hatred and lust, all combing into one...Much to the disappoint of my old self, I didn't succeed...but she is still there..egging me on...If I am caught, things could go very very wrong and I am not sure if I can stop once I start.... Oh gods... please help me... Ilmater save me...

    The ink on the page is blotched as if tears were trying to hide her written words.

  • R

    Journal Entry 648

    _I lie awake on a long, dark night
    I can't seem to tame my mind
    Slings and arrows are killing me inside
    Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
    No I can't accept the life that's mine

    Simple living is my desperate cry
    Been trading "love" with indifference yeah it suits me just fine
    I try to hold on but I'm calloused to the bone
    Maybe that's why I feel alone
    Maybe that's why I feel alone

    Me..I'm rusted and weathered
    Barely holding together
    I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal

    The sun shines and I can't avoid the light
    I think I'm holding on to life too tight
    Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
    Sometimes I feel like giving up
    Sometimes I feel like giving up

    Me…I'm rusted and weathered
    Barely holding together
    I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal

    The day reminds me of you
    The night hides your truth
    The earth is a voice
    Speaking to you
    Take all this pride
    And leave it behind
    Because one day it ends
    One day we die
    Believe what you will
    That is your right
    But I choose to win
    So I choose to fight
    To fight

    ~ Weathered by Creed ~_

    I tried to kill Drelan right before fight night. It's not something I'm proud of and I'm glad he was able to beat me down. It would not be good for me to go on a killing spree days after my ban was lifted in Norwick. I still don't completely comprehend what is causing the problem, but it only happens just as I wake up. I am guessing that it is a mix of my nightmares and blood lust causing me to tip over the edge in that short span of time where I have no control over myself. The odd thing, is that it has never happened once while with Jay.

    Jay…I wish he was here. I wonder a lot if has gone off on that quest he alluded too, and if he did, if he is alright. I'm afraid that I'll never know what will come of him. It drives me nuts at times. Especially when I am sitting here in our room at the Ferret alone. I lay here often with my eyes closed, and I can see him walking through that door, his eyes raking over me in ways that send shivers down my spine. I sometimes wake up in the middle of night, and I swear that I can feel his hand resting lightly on my hip. I hate all of this.

    It's so easy to pretend that I am happy, or unaffected by things when I'm really crying inside. I feel more alone now then I ever thought possible. I'm now able to socialize again, but I feel like a large part of me is missing. Where is the Jaelle I used to be? The one who fought off the gods? The woman who no matter how tough things got, would struggle on. Where is that woman?

    Brendel asked me before he left if I was going to be alright. I said I didn't know...but now, I think I know the answer and that answer is no. It's going to be a very long time before the wound in my heart is fully healed, if ever.

    I wonder if Brendel will ever come back.

    My thoughts are scattered these days. I feel like the pieces that I have put back together are slowly breaking apart again. I pray to Ilmater that I will not lose my mind again. That I won't lose myself. I wonder if I am fighting the inevitable. For the sake of my crew, let's hope not.

    I wrote a letter to Jay, but I'm not sure if he will ever get to read it. I hope he does because it would be nice if I had some way of telling him that I think about him often...

    My shift is about to start at the Ferret and I have a short errand to run. Best I pack up and go...

    She quickly closes the book and tucks it into her pack. She buckles on her armor, picks up her weapons and what appears to be a small bird cage. She heads out the door and sets a quick pace south and then turns into the gnoll woods. She fights her way through them to a small area of fallen stones that marks where a building used to stand. The walls crumbling and half there seem to shield her from prying eyes as she semi-hides the bird cage from the sight of gnolls. In the cage she places a wooden carving of a boat. She smiles slightly hoping that the person who this is intended for will get the symbolism of it all. With one last glance to make sure its hidden from outside eyes, she then turns and heads back to the Ferret for another night of brawling with the locals under the guise of being a bouncer.

  • R

    For everything there is a season,
    And a time for every matter under heaven:
    A time to be born, and a time to die;
    A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
    A time to kill, and a time to heal;
    A time to break down, and a time to build up;
    A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
    A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
    A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
    A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
    A time to seek, and a time to lose;
    A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
    A time to tear, and a time to sew;
    A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
    A time to love, and a time to hate,
    A time for war, and a time for peace.
    ~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8~

    She sits by the fire in the Copper's. Her feet propped up, a tattered leather bound journal on her lap and a quill in her hand. Her eyes seem to rest on a wooden carving of a blue jay balancing on her arm rest. A small smile graces her full lips as if a fond memory passes through her mind. She then bends her head and begins to scribble across the pages…

    Journal Entry 645

    You ever feel like you are being adored from afar? I do and it's a good feeling. I just wish there was some way I could reciprocate. To let this person know that I think of them often. That I am theirs for the taking when they are ready. It's not like me to sit and wait, but for now, that's all I can do. He knows how I feel and that should be all that matters, but I want to give him more then words and feelings. I want to show him everything that I was, am and could be. I want to be able to let him explore the deeper parts of my mind, heart and soul so he can see, just how he has rooted himself there. I wish things could have been different. But for now, I have to roll with the punches and bide my time…

    I got a letter from Brendel the other day. He seems to be doing well for himself and from the sounds of it, is adjusting to his heart ache better then I ever could. He is so much stronger then I am when it comes to matters of the heart. I haven't replied to his letter as I haven't decided if I should tell him about Alestra. If he wrote her as well then I'm sure she told him, but it would probably be best if he heard it from me first.

    I was asked the other day how Ilmater would let me be such a cold blooded killer. I explained that as long as I make their death's quick, then I am fulfilling my obligations. I just got a strange look and the person walked off. Am I wrong in my thinking? I don' t know...but I am still willing to sacrifice myself for Jay, Brendel and my crew. Does that count for anything? I guess I need to find a priest of the Broken One to talk this over. I'm not a priestess, so I don't have to follow dogma explicitly do I? I did chuckle though...They called me the worst Ilmateri ever. Maybe I am...

    Time for my shift at the Ferret. I'm starting to enjoy this bouncer gig. I get to throw people out doors and beat them senseless if I have too and not get reprimanded for it. It's kind of nice.

    She closes the journal and tucks the quill and the book into her pack. She stands up and picks up the wooden carving, cradling it in what looks be a loving embrace. She caresses it affectionately, a soft look on her face before she gently wraps it in a fur and tucks it into the safety of her bag. Still smiling, she saunters out of the Copper's and heads to Peltarch.

  • R

    Journal Entry 640

    _Are they calling for our last dance?
    I see it in your eyes. In your eyes.
    Same old moves for a new romance.
    I could use the same old lies, but I'll sing,
    Shine on, just, shine on!
    Close your eyes and they'll all be gone.
    They can scream and shout that they've been sold out,
    But it paid for the cloud that we're dancing on.
    So shine on. Just shine on!
    With your smile just as bright as the sun.
    'Cause they're all just slaves to the gods they made
    But you and I just shone.
    Just shone.
    And when silence greets my last goodbye,
    The words I need are in your eyes, and I'll sing.
    Shine On, just, shine on!
    Close your eyes and they'll all be gone.
    They can scream and shout that they've been sold out,
    But it paid for the cloud that we're dancing on.
    So shine on. Just shine on!
    With your smile just as bright as the sun.
    'Cause they're all just slaves to the gods they made,
    But you and I just shone.
    Just shone.

    ~Shine On by James Blunt~_

    He left me again, but this time…this time it's different. He said good-bye. It seems that outside forces are going to continually force us apart. But that's alright. He will always have my heart and I have his. That will never change regardless if we are dead or alive. The fuckers can try all they want to hurt us. They can try all they want to hide behind their lame assed laws. They will get theirs and Jay...ah my handsome Jay, he and I will always have each other. Even in death...So wherever you are my love, Shine On as I will be doing that here while I wait for you to return to me. And if you fall, then I know you will feel these words in your heart as you take your last breath. "In my wildest dreams, you always play the hero. In my darkest hour of night, you rescue me, you save my life."
    (By Bliss and Cerney)     I love you Jay. Always and Forever.

  • R

    Journal Entry 638

    _A heartbeat skip, relationship
    Inside a bubble bath
    An icing drip below your lip
    So we undo the math
    A sudden slip between
    My pathetic sedatives
    A real-life script of how
    Mistakes became our medicine, so

    Delay the hurtful words
    Of complicated overcast
    Please take the message that I'm
    Picking up my chin at last
    I said my confidence
    It gets stronger when you're next to me
    But we pray from miles away
    In quest for what we long to be

    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    (Still missing you)
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    (Still missing you)
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    But you're my everlasting friend
    Everlasting friend

    A heartbeat skip, relationship
    So we would stay up late
    A teardrop drip below your lip
    Beside the airport gate
    A sudden slip from where
    We used to be a year ago
    A real-life script of how
    Our hands would hold and not let go

    But delay the mournful words
    Of complicated overcast
    Please take the message
    That you taught me how to live at last
    But I said my confidence
    It gets stronger when you're next to me
    But we wave respect goodbye
    In quest for what we long to be, but

    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    (Still missing you)
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    (Still missing you)
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    But you're my everlasting friend

    Will you be coming home?
    (Everlasting friend)
    My everlasting friend, will you be coming home?
    (Everlasting friend)

    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    (Still missing you)
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    (Still missing you)
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again

    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    I might crumble, I might take a fall again
    I just want to know that you'll be coming home
    I just want to know that you'll be coming home
    I just want to know that you'll be coming home
    I just want to know that you'll be coming home

    ~Everlasting Friend by Blue October~_

    I knew I would hurt him, I just never expected it to be like this. He told me not to feel guilty and that he knew what he was in for, but that still doesn't make it right. I'm a selfish person who doesn't care save for my own feelings. I wish I could right this wrong. I wish I could make him happy again, but he is right. He needs to piece himself back together again, and he will be stronger for it. I miss him already one of my only friends. I hope he comes back, and when he does, I hope I am still alive.

  • R

    Journal Entry 637

    _I think i've walked too close to love
    And now i'm falling in
    Theres so many things this weary soul can't take
    Maybe you just caught me by surprise
    The first time that i looked into your eyes

    There's a life inside of me
    That i can feel again
    It's the only thing that takes me
    Where i've never been
    I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
    It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
    Your arms feel like home
    Feel like home

    This life aint the fairy tale we both thought it would be
    But i can see your smiling face as it's staring back at me
    I know we both see these changes now
    I know we both understand somehow

    There's a life inside of me
    That i can feel again
    It's the only thing that takes me
    Where i've never been
    I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
    It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
    Your arms feel like home
    They feel like home
    (hold on, you're home to me)

    There's a life inside of me
    That i can feel again
    It's the only thing that takes me
    Where i've never been
    I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
    It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
    Your arms feel like home
    They feel like home

    ~Your Arms Feel Like Home - 3 Doors Down~_

    He kept his promise. He came back to me. I don't know how and I really don't care, because he is here. Now. Laying in the bed across the room from me sleeping. I can't believe he is here. Hell, for a time, I thought he was just a figment of my crazed mind, but he is real. I can't get enough of touching him, looking at him. It's surreal. It's a fucking miracle. I've never loved someone as much as I love him. I don't want let him leave my sight, but I won't suffocate him. He just came back. He needs time to adjust and to get back into his routine. And no matter how hard it is for me to separate myself from him, he needs his time alone as do I.

    I need to find Brendel and talk with him. My poor badger…I knew I would hurt him at some point, I just never thought it would be like this. I hope he can forgive me as he is one of the closest things I have to a best friend I have ever had.

    Oh...Jay is waking up...time to remind myself that he is real...

  • R

    Journal Entry 636

    _The lunatic is on the grass.
    The lunatic is on the grass.
    Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
    Got to keep the loonies on the path.

    The lunatic is in the hall.
    The lunatics are in my hall.
    The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
    And every day the paper boy brings more.

    And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
    And if there is no room upon the hill
    And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
    I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

    The lunatic is in my head.
    The lunatic is in my head
    You raise the blade, you make the change
    You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.
    You lock the door
    And throw away the key
    There's someone in my head but it's not me.

    And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
    You shout and no one seems to hear.
    And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
    I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

    "I can't think of anything to say except…
    I think it's marvelous! HaHaHa!"

    ~Brain Damage by Pink Flyod~_

    ===============================================

    Her handwriting on this page of the journal, is wild and everywhere. It's almost like a child has gone crazy with a crayon across the page. Poorly sketched and half finished images of Jay are everywhere, words mingled in between.

    I've cracked…can't get him out of my head...but do I really want his voice gone? Do I really want to stop seeing him every where I turn? He's mine...I don't want to let go....

    Brendel. He won't leave. I feel so much guilt. I fear I'm using him to try and forget. To try and keep the rage at bay. But I can't walk away. I tried. I am so weak.

    Focus on the goal Jaelle...focus...

  • R

    Journal Entry 635

    “Oh how I long for the days that have gone by where laughter, love and companionship were all that was needed. Where the lines of truth were vivid and bright, and the dark whisperings of tortured souls were left to stand in the cold and watch with bitter longing as we frolicked and played. The years have passed and all that is left is the acrid taste of sorrow and the blurred lines of the so called truth. The coldness of this reality is beyond all understanding save for those who live it. There is always hope in this darkness that we envelope ourselves in. Hope that the solace of the warmth we once knew would return, and the lines that were once blurred would become solid. Hope that order will come amongst the chaos and the world will be bright again. Oh how I long to wear those rose coloured glasses again.” ~ Jessica Petersen ~

    I've lost my mind, or at least I think I have. I see flickers of Jay in the corner of my eye as I go about my daily chaotic routine. I fight something, I hear his voice offering advice on how to block or swing my axe better or which part of my enemy is weakest. I try to escape it all by shutting down and going by instinct, but nothing seems to stop the voices, images or the pain. I can't fathom, even with Ilmater's help, how I am going to overcome all of this. How can you get past the pain, when all you hear or see is the one person you lived and died for at every turn?

    I see the looks people give me. I hear the whispers. “Jaelle is cracked….Give her a wide berth....Don't do anything to provoke her...” My personal favorite, “Leave now if you value your life...” Do people really value their lives? It seems everyone is desensitized to death here. They all seem to turn a blind eye to it when all everyone says, “Don't worry, I'll just come back when called.” But what happens when that person doesn't come back when called? It's unheard of. A rare exception to the rule in these parts and everyone takes it for granted. Every single last person. Me included.

    People try to relate to my pain, but I don't think anyone really can. “I lost my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/father/mother...I understand....blah blah blah blah...” Do you really? Do you really know what its like to be me? To have walked the cold unfeeling paths that I have and to finally meet that one person who can break through every barrier you have created and install a small beacon of light into a blackened heart? I don't think any of them do or understand the depths of which his death has broken me.

    Brendel...he is ever at my side, and I am grateful for that. But even in my grief, I worry about how this all effects him and whether or not it is wise of me to continue to have him by my side. I miss him when he isn't around, but I'm not sure how long he will be able to cope with the fact that I could never love him. Not in the way that he would like me too...I fear I will break him, just as I am broken...Maybe I should have a talk with Jerrick about all of this. He knows Brendel better then I do, and is usually pretty insightful about things.

    Urg...I hear his voice again...blinding rage should cure it I think....

  • R

    Letters from a Broken Heart

    _Sometimes life seems too quiet
    Into paralyzing silence
    Like the moonless dark
    Meant to make me strong

    Familiar breath of my old lies
    Changed the color in my eyes
    Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

    Sorrow lasts through this night
    I'll take this piece of you
    And hold for all eternity
    For just one second I felt whole
    As you flew right through me

    Left alone with only reflections of the memory
    To face the ugly girl
    That's smothering me
    Sitting closer than my pain
    He knew each tear before it came
    Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

    Sorrow lasts through this night
    I'll take this piece of you
    And hold for all eternity
    For just one second I felt whole
    As you flew right through me

    And we kiss each other one more time
    And sing this lie that's halfway mine
    The sword is slicing through the question
    So I won't be fooled by his angel light

    Sorrow lasts through this night
    I'll take this piece of you
    And hold for all eternity
    For just one second I felt whole
    As you flew right through me
    And up into the stars

    Joy will come.
    ~Sorrow by Flyleaf~_

    My Dearest Jay,

    I saw you today. You looked as handsome and as hard as ever. That burning aching hunger to touch you, to feel you, to get lost in your eyes consumed me to the point that I couldn't look away. Then I blinked…and you were gone...I lost myself when you died. I'm no longer whole or complete. I'm just an empty shell of who I used to be. Gods I miss you.

    You would be proud of me. Plans are taking shape of avenging your death. The fuckers will pay for what they did to you, to me, to us. It's the only thing keeping me going, this burning hate.

    I hear your voice in my head, telling me to hold onto this rage. To see this through to the end. I vow to you with all of my missing and blackened heart, I will get our revenge. I will see this through to the very end.

    I love you...

    Jaelle

  • R

    Journal Entry 634

    The darkness in my soul still lingers
    Slowly creeping into the depths of my heart
    Stealing away what little light had started to grow there.
    I try to keep it at bay
    But my will is proving to be weak.
    ~Darkness by Jessica Petersen~

    How much more of this can I take? The anger…the hate...the pain and sorrow so deep that I feel as if someone took a dull spoon and cut out my heart. I feel heartless...cold....and believe it or not, indecisive about what I want. I want to be with someone, but I don't. I don't want to be alone. I think that's why I keep Brendel around, besides the fact that he doesn't constantly badger me about my feelings. He seems to accept the fact that I can't give him what he wants and deserves. I don't want to hurt him, but I can't keep my distance from him either. He is the floating log that I cling to, to avoid drowning. Locrian seems to think that I am smitten with Brendel. Am I? I don't know...

    It's been nearly 4 months since HE died and I still feel like it was only yesterday that Jack came tearing into the warehouse with his lifeless body...and my heart being ripped out of me...I will have my revenge...the fuckers don't realize that they have screwed with the wrong group...they don't know what pain is, but they will find out...oh they will find out...Revenge shall be mine...

    Hold onto this rage Jaelle...its the only thing that will keep you going...