3. The Journal of Jerrick Rayfe

The Journal of Jerrick Rayfe


  • _I blame Tindra.

    Yeah, it's a good thing, and yes, it is her fault. I suppose for the sake of keeping it fresh in my mind, I should start closer to the beginning.

    Months ago now, my first encounter with those mad-god bastards and their newest play. The Norwick guards made their way up to the gate… but I hadn't seen them coming. I was preoccupied, arguing with someone a bit, mostly banter. They passed right on through, and someone said something about where they'd been, and one spoke. Said they were returning from patrol.

    I was shapeshifted when they appeared. I was a wolf. MY nose was as keen as my attention, and when I sniffed in their general direction out of habit, those habits paid off. They've saved my life before, and may have saved someone's that day.

    Four men. Older. Similar looking. I smelled ONE. That left three unaccounted for bodies in front of me that had a smell, but it was definitely not human. It was goblin. I didn't waste time discerning which type of goblin, I rushed past them, and told them to stop at the top of the hill by the -real- guards, as if I were Militia. The cloak-colors are backwards for that, but I trusted that they may not know that.

    Sure enough, the human one said something about meddling adventuers, and screamed "Kill them!."

    I was ready.

    Lightning assaulted even as I unsheathed the first blade, and the second joined it in a vicious upward "X." One of my blades managed a deep bite right away, and the fake guard staggered, quickly brought low by Fayt's jaws. By now the other guards had joined in, as had the other adventurers nearby at my shout that those were not real guards.

    We cut them down, and they had nothing special of note on them... except that three were hobgoblins. This REEKED of Izakiel, so I organized a search. We were going to the hobbers, to find out just what the hell he was up to now. I'd killed "Guards" before that were hobgoblins. If it looks like something, but smells like something else, there's never any question as to what it is. It's a good thing I've tasted a few species.

    To make a slightly long story short, we went far east, and found Mad-God cultists and their hobgoblins. We burst into their ranks like frenzied beasts... as I was a diretiger at the time, the effect was doubly effective, and wreaked hell on their panicked casters whose spells were working less than our own even in that damnable wild magic that they seem to practically carry in their pockets.

    One moment the sounds of battle were all around, the group having been able to cut me a wide path, straight to the leader... the next I was on the ground in my own blood when just a moment before, I'd been cutting down a chieftain of sorts with claw and fang, flesh giving way like paper before me.

    The silence when one's own heartbeat ceases is deafening... so is the sound of your Goddess's skin sliding across your own as she takes your hand and lifts you to your feet, and the gentle but universe-heavy push she gives you as you are restored to life.

    The looks on their faces were priceless. I walked off unharmed, and they were so surprised they almost let me go... before being ordered to sieze me. I told them I was a dragon, that they did not want to enrage me, and snuck an Acid Breath potion, scaring the superstitious hobgoblins away until they were called back...

    Seven scrolls. Six of them it took to dominate my mind. One arrow I put into Balma'r. One death aura from him that I somehow hung onto my soul halfway to survive... and one escaped badguy.

    We won, more or less, I suppose. For the moment.

    They came again today, and I spoke to Tindra afterwards, after we all got a personal visit from Izakiel after beating down every caster inclined creature in the Rawlins...

    Why was I brought back? I died once after the visit with the cultists, defending Adriell and the Little Wolf, and was brought back then, too. Divine Intervention is as rare as an angel visiting the prime. It got me thinking...

    Is there some purpose I'm supposed to live to fulfill, and be expendable thereafter? Or is it something else. Something less grand and fatalistic... but more along the lines of that "Grand Purpose" simply being who I am. I fulfill a role or three in these lands, and keep my own balance of sorts. Is that enough to warrant such intervention directly from a Goddess?

    Tindra and I thought it over, and we like that answer best. It may not be right, but who are men to examine the minds of Gods? I think doing our best for those we serve is reason enough to keep surviving, and if they help us out in the process, we must be doing something right.

    Gods she helps me so much sometimes. Tindra, thanks._


  • _How you do write silence?

    Do you

    … ?

    Is it a sentence with a in it?

    How do you best describe the feeling of a room that you KNOW someone was in not long ago, while you feel them getting further away, and feel this heavy, sudden, finality to something, someone that you loved, cherished, and wanted to be beside?

    I don't think very far into the future, as a rule. Thinking ahead breeds expectations, and expectations are the seeds of disappointment. I live for the days ahead, but with little more anticipation than say ... my next meal. Yes, I plan to enjoy it, and I might have a preference, but it's going to come regardless, out of necessity, so I will be content until it's time is upon me ... to wait.

    Will I wait again?

    I am unsure. Somehow, without it being said, that kiss upon me while I 'slept' was heavy with finality. Just as I often disappear into Avalon, or on business unexplained, so felt this goodbye from Feather. There was no explanation, there was none needed. We both know that I have duties that will keep me away, and I told her of this, and she accepted it with grace.

    Why is this different?

    I think it's the bond. The ... whatever it was between us. I can feel her moving away, but not just distance wise. She's trying to hide it. Not out of spite, but ... Hells I don't even think she knows she's doing it.

    I'm no sage, despite appearances on the occasions that I manage to stutter out something profound sounding. It doesn't take a sage thought, to know that this is goodbye. Go with my love, Jynai. She who is knows as Feather by most. Go with my strength, and Mielikki's gentle hand to guide you home, to wherever that ends up being for you.

    You are loved.

    -J

    He doesn't send a letter by hawk asking for answers, nor saying goodbye. There were always some things that didn't need said between them. He wasn't going to burden her with goodbyes. They had already been said._


  • _Ghosts.

    Why is it always ghosts?

    Hellsakes, it's been a busy day. Normally, I don't mind, but a lot has happened in the past few days, and at first, it was well under my control. That changed in a hurry, to be honest with myself. It started with a trip to Mintas…

    Jerrick takes a few long moments to remember the trip itself. It was a productive trip, and a nice bit of practice, too. Magic, fighting, all of it forcing his mind from useless thoughts, or distractions in general, useless AND otherwise.

    _Jerrick gave instructions several times, usually things like "Don't let the animals bite you, they have brain-fever" and "When we get there, try to let me take a shot at forcing them to submit before we attack."

    Some of his other advice like "If two tigers come, RUN." needed not be heeded after all it turned out . Luke, Troff, and Gina turned out to be a hell of a team to have handy, and it was they who accompanied him. Jerrick's current thought as he reminisced over his journal, was remembering Gina standing by while two direwolves, two diretigers, and a dire bear were attacking them … since Jerrick had said not to engage at that point. Luke dodged the dire tiger's swipes deftly, as did Troff, with more use of his shield.

    Jerrick moved to either side of the fight as he battled a wolf on his own, attacking more than defending. He never was much one for being terribly dodgy, relying a bit more than he likely should on magic. He did manage, though, to turn one of the animals to his side. He took it while it had turned away from it's opponent, and taken it's face in both hands, risking his own being bitten off, and staring it in the eyes. "Submit" he said, doing his best to radiate calm assuredness, dominance. It was not the usual way to do this, but it would have to do mid-battle ... and it worked. The animal tensed, then relaxed, and stood passively by while Jerrick attacked another who was busy worrying at Luke.

    Two scimitars flashed and finished an enraged dire bear, one burying itself in the throat, the other anchoring Jerrick by sticking near the shoulder so he could drive the other home. It was a lucky strike, but he was getting better with those, lately. Then, there was quiet.

    It was the forest kind of quiet, with plenty of background noise, but no cries of battle, snarls of foebeasts, or clashing of weapons, fangs, and claws. Jerrick quietly borrowed the shape from the last critter, a tiger, and decided it was time to go, to the assent of his compatriots.

    Three new shapes, one familiar, the other two different from his usual by sheer size. The Dire Tiger being the stangest ... he practiced them both on the way back. Gina spoke of wishing she could learn more history from the place, Luke spoke of wishing they had gold, and Troff just seemed glad to go home.

    Funny how that worked ... and then Brendel was waiting for them at the ferry, and got informed about Jaelle's demise and some of her recent doings ... he seemed nearly in shock. They headed back after that, but Jerrick didn't see Brendel until the Norwick gates, when he came across Adriell again. The memory brought him back to his book, and he read what he wrote to regain his thoughts.

    _The trip went well, but what came after was not so good. Brendel learned about Jaelle, and I came across Adriell, who I can tell isn't taking the three year abscense she experienced in three weeks very … well?

    I'm, as usual, partof the problem I think. It sounds pompous even on parchment, but we sort of had something before she left, something not like lovers, but closer than friends. Then she vanished. I had told her I was Kaetlyn's, and only decided years after that, to move on. To her though. it likely feels like a fresh betrayal of sorts. Or something else? I wouldn't know, I'm lousy at this.

    Apparently she met or heard of Feather immediately after returning. While I don't want to hide Feather, I'd rather it have been me to tell Adriell. It just seems... fair? Right? Hells, I can't even decide for myself how I feel about it.

    And speaking of feelings, I had a bit of a talk with a philosopher of sorts before the Mintas trip. It wouldn't say it was enlightening, so much as kind of interesting. Not the interesting I would go back for, just interesting in that I now know that there are some folks who think SO deeply on the meaning of things that it baffles me.

    To each their own, I suppose.

    I should eat now. I've made room in my head by clearing out these thoughts, might as well stuff my face with food.

    Damn Adriell and her fat jokes. Way to give a guy a complex...

    First you, then that Spirit of Hate that keeps appearing and giving me hell. It would have beaten me this time, too, alone as I was, had I not given it the bane it loathes most.

    Need to remember that.___


  • _I did it.

    It's complete, and the enchantments held.
    The design is simple, and made just-right. Thin, very sharp, and perfectly suited for a steady, but light fingered grip.

    The sparkle along the slightly blued blade looks to be flecks of something within the metal, and it glitters with promise, as if awaiting the touch of something … more. The spell crytal fragments won't hold any spells, I know that. The coating of them fused into the blade though, may help focus my spells. At this point, I'll take any edge I can get.

    Damn, I even pun in my journal. I really need to quit that.

    I've set up a place in the den to do it. I will have her bathe, first. I will already be clean, and in new garments. I don't want to risk infection, even though I can throw spells at her til she's better. That's not how this is going to work.

    Magic caused this problem. I'm going to go in, fix it, and use ONLY what magic is necessary, and let her body do the rest. May Mielikki guide my hand..._


  • _Good idea Ronan.

    A walk.

    Suicidal three.

    Tindra is basically one of the Suicidal Five now, and hey, as gamblers are wont to say, three out of five ain't bad.

    That is not only true in our case, but we were -more- than just "Not bad."

    We cleared the Lake, then went east. We cleared the hobgoblins out with them hardly aware of what hit them, and moved on from there. Further east still, we went, to the tougher hobgoblins. I think they were even more susprised than the first group of how quickly their companions fell. Fayt joined in, and we made very, very short work of our enemies.

    We then decided to go further still. Harpies crumpled in mid-air from arrows. Wyverns found their scorpion-like tails being batted aside, or their strikes utterly ignored, and we plowed through them to the scar until none were near enough to sense. From there, south.

    South held more of the same, except for one notable exception. We went out of our way to clear them all out, and then the ground shook something horrible when we hit a clearing. He loosed our knees a little, and all kept our feet, but I was in a wolfshape, and not at all prepared for what burst forth from the earth.

    Three Bullettes. I was in the middle, and I may as well have been in a shark infested pond. I was bitten badly three times before I could even shift back, and shifted back to find my greatsword the easiest thing to bring to bear. I wanted my shield, but that was a precious second I did not have.

    Crunch

    One of the creatures got it's snouth thoroughly smashed in for it's trouble by the great stone blade left to me by Telli, and I think ti surprised the critter enough that it faltered on it's next bite. Spells slammed home over my shoulders (Thank you for not frying me, Ronan! ) and distracted them further, giving me a chance to vault over the nose of the third … with my sword as the pole and it's nose as my launchpad of sorts.

    I made it to safety to drink a couple potions, and ran back to find one still barely moving, which we all took out swiftly.

    I hate striking down creatures like Bullettes and Stegadons, but my life needs to come first when I'm attacked like that. Plain and simple.
    At least now the den has some advanced things to work with, or I have enchanting materials, or both.

    Speaking of enchanting, I need to write about the club we earned.
    Perhaps tomorrow, Feather is sleeping peacefully, and I have half a mind to interrupt it, then join her. Forget half a mind, try

    The page abruptly cuts of here with a pooled dot of ink where the quill was let drop._


  • _I hate walking away.

    I hate having to walk away from my friends because I want to hit them.
    Is it so wrong to want to fix things with a punch? It's something I scold my apprentices for, and I should know better. I do, and I walk away, but I feel unsatisfied.

    It's amazing really, how a couple words can swing the context of a thing SO far off point, that the focus of it narrows down in the opposite direction from where it began.

    Troff mentioned that he and Feather had spoken about her joining the Legion, and that she has leadership capabilties. I am proud as hell of her after hearing how she reacted in the face of tragedy and death, and it almost makes me wish I was still with the Legion. Maybe I would have been there, maybe

    I need to knock that off. She's moved on, and clearly gone home.

    MY orders are clear.

    You have work to do. Do not falter. You walk the edge of a knife, don't give into your anger. Death comes, be ready.

    I don't fault Telli for her decision. Hells, she may not have been given the choice. Am I a little jealous? Only because of this.

    Grivel was a stout servant of Mielikki. He died protecting others, as he lived, and was taken into her arms. I cannot help but wonder. Did he choose? Did she choose?

    Me, I'm still here.

    I have been told SO many times, with varying degrees of bitterness, that I am lucky beyond words to have such a close relationship with my Goddess. I have met her many times, been raised from death by her and flung back to the mortal world as if nothing had happened, or with a mark to learn a lesson from.

    Yes, I am lucky. I am blessed. I am chosen. I am watched over.

    I walk the edge of a knife. I had duties to fulfill. She has expectations.

    Every time I come back to life, it's another chance to fall. Another chance to give in to something that is not her will. Another opportunity to ensure that I never find the peace that Grivel has. Another risk that I will fall from her grace.

    I'm not right all the time. People are lightning fast to point that out. What if I'm wrong when it really matters, what then?

    What then?_


  • _Changes.

    It seems about thet ime of year that the season should be changing, but since something happened during the N'jast war… nothing's been the same weather-wise.

    I don't know what reminded me of that just now, except that maybe my mind is once more on the subject of the Fury Gods.

    I suppose THAT thought stems from another... yes, I'm walking abckward down my mental ladder I guess, trying to find the first wagon on this caravan of thought.

    Elves.

    One needs to shut his damned mouth before it gets shut for him.
    I swear, that if I hear one more smartalecky comment about pups, pissing on trees, or stupid dogs, I'll feed his ass to Fayt.

    I was cordial to his face, and called Araatris back, though what the elf has no idea about is that I really hold no power over Araatris except that he seems to -want- to take my advice. For now. A little.

    One fucking attack happens IN town and people get away with it, BUT they're exiled, have bounties out for them, and there's a strong response, and suddenly people think they can just poke badgers with stick, so to speak, because the law will protect them.

    How do you explain that someone whose body is never found can't report shit, without it sounding like a threat? Hells, even if the body is dumped at the gates, AND they manage to remember things after returning from the fugue plane ... if they never saw it coming, and never saw it happen until they woke up dead, (I always laugh when I say that ... is that inappropriate?) then all they have is accusations to throw around without proof.

    Heh, on the topic of laughing ... if a bear shits in the woods, does anyone care when the elf ressurects from the pile to complain that he was eaten?

    If he doesn't quit taunting people who have no problems with taking a life, I worry that little Mari is going to find out. Time to go take a walk to Norwick, and be nice to his smug little face. He seemed pleasant enough at first, but I am now quite under the impression that he's a vindictive little person. Heh, this should be fun._


  • _Well, that was unexpected.

    I met with Araatris. I walked to the south gate, and came across many people gathered, but only two caught my eye. The one-eyes woodsman, Araatris, and Dana.

    Dana of course, only because she greeted me, and gushed about her marriage, and that she's now expecting a child. I try to be kind, while not paying her attention. I simply cannot forget the way she lashed out at me, just like Marty, and then had the nerve to get offended when I lashed back. I have as much respect for her as she has sense, and I admit to having seen little to none from her in the past.

    Perhaps she's changing. Time will tell. I'm certainly not holding my breath.

    I asked Araatris to speak with me, and he followed, stiffly.
    Luckily, we'd met before this, and on good terms, else it likely would have ended badly.

    I asked him about the fight with Caelian, what his desires were, basically I gave him a chance to sit and speak. I left open ended questions for him, and he answered.

    It's not so rare in these lands to find someone who wishes to leave something behind. It IS rare to find someone in these lands who knows where to go from there. Hells, I've been one of them.

    He is prideful. I am prideful. I know where it hurts, and I struck him there. I reminded him that he was bested, and saw a visible flinch at the words. I told him a little about the man who bested him, too. My apprentice. My brother. Someone who has more in common with this Malarite than either would likely like to admit.

    Perfect.

    He told me something that struck a chord in me, too.

    "To despise the weakness in others, and then to find it in yourself is not easy to swallow, Silverfang."

    I told him that to acknowledge that is the first step to finding strength once more, as well.

    I know this, because you cannot fight a foe you cannot see, or know, and hope to win. I then gave him a command.

    He had commented that there may be truth to my words. That was all I needed.

    "Once you find that truth in my words for yourself, " I told him, "Once you've decided. Find my apprentice. Tell him that you wish to watch him, or learn from him, or whatever it is that you seek. It will be a test for both of you, I think"

    He expressed some concern over them killing one another, and I told him that Caelian would not do that. He'd spared his life once already, had he not? That did bring to mind a concern for me, so I headed it off before someone else was faced with it.

    "If you wish blood, however. You -will- come to me. It will be far more swift and merciful than if you choose to give me a reason to come after you."

    He seemed to understand that, not even getting offended, which I respect. He understood that I don't threaten just to threaten. I don't -want- to come after anyone. Just like I don't -want- Jay or Jaelle or Jack to show up in front of me, harming someone. It won't stop me from acting on it, but I don't -want- it.

    "Should I seek an end to my suffering, I will seek you out."

    I try not to let that disturb me when I reply.

    "That's not an end to suffering, that's an end to -everything-. A wise man does not forget that. -You- should not forget that. "

    We clasped arms like brothers in parting, with the word friend upon my lips.

    It won't be easy, for either of them. Easiest perhaps, for Caelian, I think. He is making progress all his own, to be honest, and he has insight that I can admire. I should listen to his advice instead of blowing him off when he means well in speaking to me, but I never was one for taking my own advice either.

    One by one, things are improving, situations are resolving themselves, some of which I had a hand in, others not. I can live with that… so long as I no longer stay awake at night with as much on my mind, any progress is preferable to none.

    I like progress. Sleep is nice too. Ah, sleep.I would pursue you, but Feather is not here. I wish she was here, and I hope I haven't pushed her away... Gods for such a wise old Druid, I am such a doddering old fool sometimes._


  • _The walks help.

    It's not much, but something about concentrating on my surroundings while not being seen helps to clear my mind. Just enough so that when I emerge onto the island still unseen, I can pull out my journal and watch that goblin pass yet again, and listen to the sounds of the nighttime.

    Apparently I'm doing a lousy job of hiding that I'm having a hard time of things lately. I tried the other route, instead. I talked to my friends.
    I told them what's wrong, tried to explain things, and their answer is always, "Don't do so much. Take a break. Rest. It's not only your burden." The thing is … I can't expect anybody else to do anything.

    It's hard enough getting myself in the right place at the right time, so what would get everyone else in place to take care of things on -my- schedule? That's silly.

    No, I'll keep all these things, these thoughts, fresh in my mind. The thing I need to do, is hide it better. Self control, wisdom, patience. That's what I need. Perhaps ... perhaps I'll cheat. I've been meaning to do some more enchanting, starting with the knife for Danika ... then, a ring? I think that will do nicely.

    I need the patience of a tree to get me through, perhaps petrified wood might be a good base. Warp wood and stoneshape. I think I know how I'll do this...

    Goblin got too close, and tripped on me. Snapped his neck and tossed him elsewhere. Can't have him raising the alarm. Speaking of alarm, I need to get myself under control. Feather deserves more attention than I've been giving her. I need to spend some more time at home, and find something that we can do together. It's too often that we're dragged apart, or so busy in whatever we're doing to pay proper attention to one another. Note to self. Be better.

    Tindra is happier, at least.
    Even better, it wasn't anything I did. I was her friend, as always. I made sure she had someone to talk to, even though I was the problem.
    I did what I could, but I knew I could only help so far.

    She told me that she realized she needs to take care of herself, first. She needs to pursue what makes her happy. Something like that. It made sense, and by the scent I caught on her, I knew she'd found something along those lines.

    I was surprised by it, and mad at myself for feeling a flare of jealousy.
    There, I wrote it down. Jealousy.

    Not that I'm not happy.

    I'm a git._


  • _Get away.

    I had to. Before I said anything else, even among friends, I had to get away. It's all piling up! Here on this island, a goblin almost trips over me as I write. I'm perfectly still, my magic making me all but invisible. If only others weren't so quick to spot me.

    Here, I have peace, and the screaming of dying goblins serves as a fine alarm should someone come this way. I've used this before, to escape when Devlin came after me. I admit I was waiting in ambush at first, not avoiding him… but nobody came, at least nobody who I minded talking to.

    I spouted off a list at Albryanna, I almost lost it. I needed to get it out. Just ... everything that was on my mind. It was enough to name them all.

    Albryanna, Tindra, Kaetlyn, Jaelle, Jack, Jay, Feather, Brendel, The Hungry One, Alestra, Liches, Knights, Drow, Vampires, Aramuil, Marty, Dana, Wolves, Dragons, White goblins, children, Horlamin, Duty, Honor, Sacrifice, Kara, Troblins, Eggbutt, Grag, Yngdir, Aelthas, Devlin, Raryldor, Isendel, Mages, Davanros, The Circle, Damara, Yana, Maya kissing me, Benji, Rhistin, The Tree, Celad, Peltarch, Sails, Danika, Caelian, and the list goes on.

    My mind can't focus on one thing. Some things are friend I worry for. Others are those I feel I've wronged. Still others simply tasks I have yet to face, or can't push from my mind though they're done and passed.

    Vash said that the tree that has more branches than roots topples in a storm.

    Well I'm pretty much fucked in a stiff breeze then. I don't know if I can keep this pace up. It would HELP if just ... I don't know, a FEW things got resolved. Just a few is all I would ask. Instead, things pile and pile and pile, impossibly high, and I just ... do what I always do. Pay attention to what's at hand as best I can. Go from there.

    It's not enough, and never has been. It won't be later, either.
    That's no solution, either. So now what?_


  • _Talk of Kara makes me stupid.

    Like, royally, infintesimally stupid. Brain-dead, lack-wit, window-licking stupid. Incredibly "I can't believe he said that" stupid.

    When I was asked about Kara, it brought up thoughts, talk of regrets sharpened those thoughts to images, and those images played tricks on my eyes. I almost thought I saw her at the little rock Thorn called, "Gossip Rock."

    Tindra and I have talked about our pasts some, and when I asked, "If you could change one thing about any one person but yourself, what would it be…" I was thinking of Kara.

    I would change that she was bound to a master in the hells for her sacrifice. Set her free. That's it. Give her the chance to ... hells, I don't know. Perhaps Kelemvor would take her back. Perhaps the final death? It would likely bring more peace to her.

    At any rate, I should have specified, "Other than me". That would have sounded ... ridiculous though. How do you ask a meaningful question like that without sounding self serving?

    You don't.

    Damned if I do, damned if I don't, that's how it ended up with leaving out "Other than me." Fuck me I'm an idiot. At this rate I'll chase her off as a friend on top of making her miserable.

    Caelian came to me with advice, and I had hardly any to give him.
    There was not just 'a woman' involved, but women. How the hell does he think I can help? Just because I know a bunch, and have half-a-hundred rumors about me with them going around doesn't mean I know the first thing about them, or situations with them.

    I didn't tell him that I had only a habit of botching things when it involves the fairer sex, I just ... I told him what I always tell him.

    "Wait on it. Cool off. Ask questions. THEN decide."

    Poor Caelian ... I feel it's my fault he's so brash, so eager, so ready to dive headlong into everything. I kid myself and tell myself that's how he always was, but I don't know that. It's nice to think, but ...

    Bah, speaking of thinking, here I am at my downstairs desk, trying NOT to do just that. Benji is upstairs with Feather, and she was apparently going to model clothing and get his opinion, perhaps to get him talking in a relaxed atmosphere? They clearly had something to talk about since they both started talking in Gnomish.

    I went downstairs, here I am, still as tense as a steel bow. It's like I'm shaped like something that's supposed to bend, but it's a trick. I can't. I can't relax, I can't bend, I can't even pretend otherwise lately. People are seeing the less patient side of me now, and I almost feel bad about it.

    I say almost, because it needs to be done. It, being everything.
    If something needs done, I need to go do it. None of that means I have to be happy about it though, and lately, I'm not.

    Feather is a joyful relief from my own angry thoughts. She brings happiness where there is none at that moment, and gives me love when I'm fighting hate in my heart. I only hope I'm not dragging her down with me.

    They're still up there talking... perhaps I'll go for a walk. I can hear the goblins out there, ... Oh a knock. Company. Distraction. Good.
    Smells like it might be Yana. She brings the sea-smell._


  • _Home is where the heart is, I have heard.

    If so, my home is many places. Den, Glen, and Tree.
    It is also within each of my friends then, those I hold dearest.

    What truly makes a house a home then?
    Having those pieces of heart invested in one's friends filling it with noise and laughter.

    I have come home several times now, to Feather entertaining guests. Tea and cookies and conversation, each time everyone smiling and at ease. Just last night, there were what, ten people all told? More? Some came and went, some (Yngdir, of course) said little, as usual.

    Ill news even made it's way into the door, but for once my words were heeded for what they were, and blades were kept safe in their scabbards, and no feet fled from my home to go stand in a red puddle of retribution. Not yet anyway… I trust Caelian to heed my advice, but I don't trust him to forget should the opportunity for vengeance show itself plainly.

    Rasuil got up to leave when Brendel arrived.

    I asked him if he remembered what I said before. What I would see of him, what I would wish of him. He said he did, and gave me one of those easygoing smiles that likely put maidens at ease. I am no maiden, and I find myself lying awake this eve ... my thoughts do not permit rest, once again.

    Danika said something about my leadership that heartened me.
    Even if for no other reason, I need to be there for them, because there is little chance that all would listen to one another in my stead. I could not tell her she was wrong. I honestly don't know. I fear for her being right, should I falter or fail them somehow...

    Like a raven these thoughts come to me. Dark wings, dark words. Dark thoughts for the evening outside my door, when I started this writing in such high spirits.

    I wish drink affected me like it does my Feather. A tall glass of Silverymoon Ruby, and she was literally snoring into my lap. The others chuckled, as her snores are as cute and delicate as she, with a tolerance for drink to match her size and stature.

    Thankfully she did not wake ill, but hungry. I was awake beside her when she stirred, and I remained there once she fell asleep exhausted once more. This desk is cold and lonely. It's back to the bed with me, perhaps sleep may deem me a worthy companion yet, and soon, lest the morning chase away the calm of dark to help me along.

    I heard once a phrase. "No rest for the wicked."

    Damn._


  • _Alright. I need to find a way to help Danika.

    I have trained myself in the healing arts since I was young, and not just magical either. Magic runs out. Magic can be nullified. Magic can backfire, or cause the problem to begin with, like with her.

    From what I gathered, when she was healed, it was done magically, and quickly. Probably saved her life. Unfortunately, sometimes magical healing simply -closes- wounds, knits them closed, and it doesn't matter how precise it is. That is until you have a complex thing like … an eye, or a throat that's hurt.

    Those need regeneraton to heal properly. It needs to be re-grown, like it was supposed to have been the first time. I think I can do this, but first, I want to make sure I have the tools necessary. I may enchant a blade to aid me ... I won't risk hurting her any more than I have to. Mielikki help me find what I need to help her._


  • _It gets more interesting every day.

    Something new.

    Today I uncovered a mystery with one of my Wolves.
    They are precious to me, this one especially, as speaking with them required a lot of effort on my part. I had to learn, and I was happy to.

    They hid something from me, and I don't know why, and I found out that it wasn't really personal, it's just that everyone else had given up on them. On this particular subject, anyway.

    I plan on helping them. They didn't know it, but they helped me a little, too. I won't be giving up.

    I suppose I'd may as well write about the bad, too.

    It sounds pompous even writing it, but somebody helped me with understanding these situations like this.

    Apparently, being nice to people is all fine and good.
    Being available though, being close to someone, being there when you're needed, and there anyway when you're not, is a better thing.
    Actually -caring- enough to not only listen to someone, but to offer help, or a shoulder, is apparently noticed. Since I apparently treat my friends like loved ones, like family for some, it must be getting noticed.

    I find myself hearing admissions from many fronts of feelings of more than friendship. At first it was surprising. Then it was MORE surprising, and more-so each time. MOST things, get easier to understand with repitition. Or so I thought, and grew up believing.

    For a man that's been left by all the women he's loved one way or another, until I finally did the leaving and still feel lousy for it… I don't know whether to feel flattered, grateful, or still confused about all of this.

    Feather, has been more than gracious about all of it.
    I think she knows how some of my friends look at me, the women who are more than friends, but not at the same time, out of respect.

    She loves me anyway, and trusts me.
    It's what makes her so wasy to fall in love with. She's capricious yet caring and thoughtful. She's fierce, but can stand down.

    Standing down, is something someone else apparently can't do. TWO of them come to mind, actually.

    Jaelle is picking fights again. I stopped her like last time, but this time once I put her over my shoulder, she thrashed. Left me no choice, so I reached up to her neck, and pinched. There's a muscle on the side that you can slide over a heavily used artery, and then pinch a nerve -just- above it to make it twitch, and lock from the lack of blood from the artery.

    I did that, and she went limp. I imagine it hurt quite a bit before the numbness set in, but she was going to make me hurt her properly again, and I don't want to have to kick her ass to get her to calm. Not again. Last time there was almost a riot.

    And then there's Albryanna. She told me she loves me too, and that I don't make that easy, not to, and that she'll keep doing so.
    She warned me that she didn't feel true to Devlin because of her feelings, regardless of the fact that Albry and I never pursued them. She said she wished to tell him, and break it off, so that she wasn't betraying him with her heart.

    I had not yet abandoned hope of Kaetlyn, and there was Adriell to consider, then. I can't help but be fond for so many of my friends, as you can't save someone's life, and be saved, risk to much together, and not grow close like I have with so many.

    Devlin did not take it well. Albry had a few moment to warn me, and then she was crying on my shoulder. My shoulder blocked the sword that was swung recklessly at me, crushing into my leathers and driving me to the ground. That asshole was invisible!

    He probably knew I would stomp him into the ground if I got a spell off, so I'm flattered that he used other means to stand a chance. I ignored Albryanna's pleases to stop, got my spell off to hold him in place, snarling and spitting, and let loose on him.

    Lightning crashed, and other people wandered up, likely only seeing me terrorizing poor trapped Devlin, without having seen his naked villainy of trying to slay me.

    I armored myself in bark, healed my wounds at me leisure, the clouds above raining down hurtful death upon him while I busied myself with other tasks.

    I had to distance myself, as Locrian threw a wild punch at me that missed, to keep me from striking him with my sword as I did at first, but none dared approach.

    I knew the hold spell would wear off soon, and I didn't want to get jumped by guards who would defend their murderous comrade. Albryanna was still screaming at me to stop, I think it was me at this point, but I was furious. I let the lightning crash, I loosed an arrow or two, and then I called up the stones.

    The stones rumbled, and tossed up their dust, and those it touched were trapped. I stepped too close and got stuck for a moment as well, but it bought me time. EVERYONE who came near was stuck, so when I got free, I made haste away, so that I wasn't forced to hurt someone who tried to stop me.

    Anyone but Devlin did not deserve my wrath.

    I spent a day and a night out deep in the Rawlins, past the Hobgoblins.
    I saw friends out there, but they passed. I was followed, luckily also by a friend, and we talked a while ... clearing up some earlier questions. It's nice having friends like that.

    It turns out that whatever happened, Albry, Me, the fight, all of it, was too much. Devlin gave up. He packed his horse, and rode out from Norwick. Albryanna is crushed. She says not to blame myself, but ... hells, part of it's my fault.

    Granted, given another chance, I would have been no less kind to her.
    I didn't TRY to win her. She chose, and he suffered.

    Why the FUCK do -I- feel guilty, dammit?

    Dammit.

    Dammit._


  • _She's back. She's safe. She's sorry.

    Hellsakes, that woman knows how to say exactly just the right thing.
    The right thing to make a man feel lousy for being less than he should.
    The right thing to let him know that it's okay.
    The right thing that proves what he suspected all along.

    Why is it, that I've had several people in the past months, tell me this exact thing.

    "As long as you're happy, that's enough for me."

    Of course I'm happy with Feather, but I can't help but wonder just how much I hurt Kaetlyn. She only shows me her brave face, her caring, and complete disregard for her own happiness over mine.

    I don't think she'll ever tell me, either.

    I guess that makes me lucky, because I don't think I can stomach more guilt.

    I'm full.

    Another entry follows the first, the blue a much darker color as if a new pot was made, and turned out different.

    _Things are settling down some.

    I've ended up in a bit of a routine of late, in the company I keep.

    The Wolves are a constant. Only Yngdir seems to be absent more often than not, and even when he is nearby, we do not speak much.

    I'm not sure why that is, exactly, but between his words at the Den and what I think I read from those eyes that watch as I interact with those around me, near me, at the gates, I suspect he thinks me a complete fool, playing at leadership.

    Perhaps I am wrong yet again in this … I can only hope.

    Meanwhile, leadership is hard of late.

    I had a long talk with Rasuil, who still has not forgiven Brendel for his unknowing treachery. Brendel was not in control of his own mind or actions when he tried to Kill Rasuil that day, and Rasuil STILL cannot forgive him.

    Forgiveness alone is not enough,anyway, he said.

    "You said yourself the taint may never be fully gone, and we will never know. How can you be so sure he won't do it again?" he demanded of me.

    My answer silenced him.

    "I do not know. In the meantime, I trust him anyway. Perhaps if it happens again, that trust I keep in him will be the thing he uses to fight off whatever controls hum. I don't know. What I -do- know it that I will NOT make him suffer the indignity of being mistrusted for something THAT WAS NOT HIS FAULT!"

    I dismissed Rasuil then with a final word.

    "I lead you all the best I can. If you cannot forgive your brother, if you can not find it in you to trust one another, then I should give up right now, because there is little point otherwise."

    I was charged by Mielikki herself, within sight of Grivel's tree, to make the den once more a place of love and laughter, and to make the pack strong once more.

    I will die before letting something like this make me fail.__


  • _Feather sure leaves such a cute mark on this page.

    I laugh looking at it, and it feels good to smile.

    Ever since I brought news to the circle, I've been waiting. I'm normally the patient type, but GODS they are slow. It's little wonder I tend to simply DO things, and tell them about it later.

    I don't mean to be ungrateful, but sometimes I wonder if we need an archdruid again. Things were simpler then, though I suppose they did change for a reason.

    Speaking of change…

    The leathers I wear, the deepest of blacks and a red like wine, or thin blood, are snug. They're thick. They're sturdy. They still smell slightly of their previous owner, and I can't help but feel my blood race a little wearing them. I nearly lost several wolves in that hunt against the hunters, that constant shifting position of roles that day and night in which we bled and shed blood constantly.

    We took the spoils of war from them, letting at least one leave. They disregarded their dead, and they now feed the wolves, then the crows, then the rats, then the smaller animals who dine on the flesh of the dead.

    May they grow fat and happy on what we wrought.

    I don't take a huge amount of pleasure in death I suppose ... I celebrate a bloody victory the same as the next man who can shift into a huge wolf to tear a throat out of an enemy ... okay so maybe I revel a bit much in surviving a bloody, dangerous battle.

    What came after, however, bothers me.

    Not the threat from the Malarite stating that "Wolf" is on next years menu.
    Not the after-memories of almost losing several wolves.
    Not the still-stiff feeling in my right shuolder where I got a sword lodged in the fight.

    No, for some reason what bothers me is thoughts of a death to come.

    Damn her to eternal life, but I'm worried for Jaelle now.

    I hear rumor of her surviving something particularly grisly in Peltarch ... and no longer being hobbled by the watery grip of the bitch queen. To hear she made it out alive made me very happy. I've watched this woman change drastically over the years, but she's been a friend through it all for some reason, though I've never been much like her, or the types she tends to hang out with.

    Especially Jay.

    This all starts and ends with him, I think.

    He was apparently killed in that confrontation in Oscura, and her own words ring in my pointed freakin' ears.

    "What else do I have to live for?"

    Well shit, how do I answer that? Really.
    I've said it before, I'll say it again. I'm godsbedamnably selfish.

    You should live because I want you to!
    I can't say that, but damnit I can think it. It's really none of my business… or I should say WAS none of my business, until I spoke to Gina.

    I asked her to keep away from her, and the Sails in general.
    I warned her that her life may very well be in danger if she doesn't.
    I beseeched her to simply let it pass, and avoid it at all cost, if for no other reason than to prevent more bloodshed from any side, for any reason. Too many people involved in this mess, and it can only get worse.

    She seems reasonable about it all, but I'm never sure if her "yes sirs" and "no sirs" and "I will obey sirs" mean a damned thing, or if she's simply a well trained bird, chirping out sweet platitudes.

    I was debating that when it hit.

    I'm no seer.
    Yes, I can scry. Yes I've been to Avalon, land of dreams. Yes I've had visions, talked with Gods, argued and been kissed by the Queen of Faerie. I've walked Trods, treated with ghosts, and learned the ways of the Seelie Court, and how to duel a faerie.

    That being said, I'll remind myself.

    I HATE VISIONS.

    Fortelling, foreboding, it's all the same. Like a messenger raven, and the phrase used to describe them.

    "Black wings bring black tidings. "

    It's like that, after a fashion. But this… this was red.

    I'm famliar, so when the horrific feeling of foreboding came, I mentally stepped back. You don't dive into a vision, you wait for it to find you. I closed my eyes, and waited, and watched without staring.

    I shouldn't have.

    I got a horrible feeling when talking about Jaelle, and what is to come of her, and saw red, stepped back, and was greeted to an image of dreadlocked blonde hair. The red was the matting of blood upon it and under it. Around her form.

    This will end in blood, and I already know whose.

    What the FUCK do I do now?

    It is my place to step in? Could I help if I tried? Would my misstep bring the foretelling to bear? Was it even a true telling?

    It makes sense that I would get something that most regard as an answer, and find within, only more questions.

    Gods damn it.

    I still hate this tent, but I can't write in the rain.
    Listening to Albry and Devlin in the next tent doesn't help ...
    I'm out of here._


  • _Things I hate …

    Troblins.
    Troblins.
    Troblins.
    Troblins.
    Eggbutt.
    His Troblins.
    Everything having to do with either.

    Granted, I could care less about being in town -most- of the time... but having it be unsafe to enter my own home, the glen, or the den because I'm not sure if I'll change into a mouse, or a BALOR ... well that irks me.

    I'm alone outside of Norwick, awaiting ... something.

    Friends? Hells, half of them I'm awkward with right now anyway.

    An attack? Bring it on. I'm only one man, but I'll leave such a trail of blood behind if I am taken that they'll be able to follow it from a league skyward.

    Great ... rain. Figures. I'm in one of the tents now ... it smells like unwashed human. Dammit Uljas...

    I'm not sure what to do with myself half the time now.
    I spend what time I can with Feather, though I worry I'm not around enough for her, and that she will happen across someone who can be.
    I probably worry too much, but ... bah, forget it.

    Tindra seems to be happier lately. Not a lot, but at least a bit.
    She spent time with me while I was reinforcing the cage for that little white dragon.

    I plan on asking the elders what to do with him.
    I'm not sure if slaying it is the way to go, though whites are well known for being unmistakably evil, and vengeful. Granted, it's just a baby. It tried to lie it's ass off and say it's mother would get me, but it was a horrible liar.

    That either means it was abandoned immediately, or it's parents are dead. Not that I'm sparing it out of pity for being alone in the cold, harsh world... it's obviously capable of being clever. It knew goblins would follow it, and had a miniature snow goblin army to attack me with.

    The ink here is smudged, and matching smudges will be found on the seat of Feather's pants, as she sat on his lap as he was writing. It was apparently set aside at that point, to be continued later_


  • _My love life.

    Since when was it ever 'mine'?

    A love life has to be with at least two people, just like creating life.
    At least with men and women, or any combination thereof. I won't even get into magic right now….

    Quite a while ago, it was not really anyone's concern.

    Alright, I take it back. It seems since the first, Celestria, is has been.
    If I have not had direct straight out competition, it's been something else involved, no matter what I did or said.

    First, it was the Gods.
    And men, I think.

    Celestria and I were apart often due to differences in duties, and she quickly found another with duties more similar to hers.

    Kara's story is already in these pages, but there always people who said we would not work. That we were a bad match. I suppose now they think themselves right.

    Sierra was soon after, and gone just as quick.
    We spent some time together, long enough for me to get too attached too quickly, and was gone, just like that. I have heard nothing from her since.

    Kaetlyn and I were together for quite some time, before she left. She went on a quest to find something, a temple to Shaundakul, or a shrine. That was more than five years ago.
    She waited three years for me to return, when i was away in faerie ... though I felt only three weeks pass.

    She is a better person than I.

    I ... I am selfish. I always have been.
    Some of my more flattering friends and companions may brush that statement off, but I'm writing this so I can look back and remind myself.

    Even protecting others is a selfish act for me. I want them around.
    I want to be seen as the person I want to be, so I do the things I do ... but lately it's all seemed to backfire.

    Strong decisions, turn into political nightmares.

    Making the right choices is such a grey area I wonder if they are even mine to make any longer. Am I wrong not to waver on some things?

    Like Jens. I heard he was killed in the Drow battle for Norwick recently ... taken from the back by a bolt of lightnng from a Drider.

    I asked Albryanna if she had heard anybody's response about this, already concerned the moment she said lightning. Anybody who has ever seen a pissed off Druid has likely seen them summon forth Talos' signature sky-light ... and now I wait. I think it's a matter of time before the cries of murder start, fingers aimed at the Druid who was throwing lightning around like name-day candy throughout the fight, while fighting and bleeding with everybody else, and carrying dead and wounded.

    Which brings me back to Albryanna.
    I enjoy her company, I enjoy looking at her, I enjoy her scent. She's been a wonderful friend, and I'd be silly not to admit that I have attraction towards her, as she does me.
    She's engaged, and I would not trod upon that. I've been engaged three times, and all ended poorly, and one by my own hand.

    I await Kaetlyn's return, I am aware that she will know where to find the letter I left. I am aware that I will have to face her, and feel ashamed for not waiting ... but I am selfish.

    I have found love in someone I did not originally expect.
    An Elf. Feather. She was hesitant when I approached her at first, but I wanted to make sure that someone Thorn saw fit to watch over wasn't sitting alone outside in the night, so I joined her, and we spoke.

    We spoke for hours.
    We spoke the next day and well into the night.

    The days passed like this, and after accepting that the letter I wrote was for the best, I gave a chance to this thing I thought I felt between us. She confirmed it, and since ... I have been happier than I have in months. Duty has been my house-mate, and my companion. Battle has been my mistress, like I am some Temposan with a love for trees.

    I've felt false to myself, filling my time with duty but denying myself pleaure, so why do I feel weak for being selfish?

    Adriell, before she left ... another elf.
    We grew very close while she was here, she was a kindred spirit to me in more ways than one. Like others, she vanished, while I waited for Kaetlyn.

    Gods, I stayed true, but my mind did wander. I waited for as long as I felt I could. I won't ever resent Kaetlyn, se deserves far more than that. She deserves more than me. I broke me promise, I did not wait, an I owe her an apology, when and if she returns.

    I hope she can forgive me.

    So I forgive myself? Do I have to?
    If I can't do what makes me happy to an extent, what else do I do?

    This is my fifth try writing this, and I'm certain I still don't have it right. I see jumbled words, and mismatched thoughts across paper in a familiar color ... the same color I have Celestria a bottle of, all those years ago.

    I won't mention the others who have shown interest just yet, for fear that I am reading too far into things and deluding myself, as is very likely ... and before I even think about writing of Tindra, I need to collect myself.

    Duty calls, as usual, and I have some people to speak to.

    Damn this duty, my pack is heavy enough upon me._


  • _Apparently, I am getting paranoid in my not-so-old-all-things-considered age.

    This thing with Marty has gone too far.
    I worry the rest of the circle sees it as some kind of personal battle between us … when the meeting itself as suggested by one of the other elders, out of her own concern!

    Now that elder herself has made it out to be some kind of misunderstanding, or personal spat.
    She takes back words she said, pretending they meant nothing.
    She makes me into a badguy, out to get her for some reason.

    The apprentice I have not seen in some time, but at least the smack I have her seems to have warned her to keep her distance from me.
    Folks seem to have forgotten about the Hungry One, and he seems to have pulled things back, out of sight, and therefore in most people's cases, out of mind.

    He's as clever as Ostromog it seems, and as much of a canker to me as Izakiel. Two of my Wolves, stricken in some way by him.

    I need to hunt a magic eater.
    I need to pinch a paladin.

    Crushed magic eater claw... okay, I know how to do that. It's not easy, but it's realistic. How the HELL to I get an honest Paladin to cry? Tell them stories that are sad? Poke them in the eye?

    Kaetlyn would know.
    She's gone.

    Adriell might know, and would sit with me til she figured it out.
    She's gone.

    Kara I can't evn afford to think about. Not even after our recent chat.
    The last thing I need is more conspiracies about me. Is it a problem that I laugh when I think about proving some of them right? The look of shock on their face, and the whispers of "I knew it!"

    Am I being paranoid, or are people just waiting for me to snap?
    I guess being alone in a sense is good for one thing.
    Nobody else is catching shit because of me... I hope._


  • _Idiots… should be beaten nearly to death with sacks full of rocks.

    I'm not talking about the people who are simple, for reasons they can't control, from birth-injuries or otherwise, no. I'm talking about those who ask questions... are given answers, and ignore them.

    Maya gave me some sage advice, just to start beheading stupid people... or at least punching them in the nose. I'm going to have to start warning everyone who asks if they can ask me a question. . .

    Person: May I ask you a question, Jerrick?

    Me: Only if you don't mind being punched in the nose if you're stupid about it.

    Would that fix my problems, or get me beat up, jailed, or killed?

    Balian seems to think I need a long night at a pub.
    Seeing as how that would end up in a bar-fight for me, I think I'll refrain from that, too.

    I feel like a cheap bow-string, ready to snap if anybody pulls me the wrong way. My patience is wearing thin, and I'm sure I'm just starting more conspiracies about my own eventual demise into the ways of evil or worse from the rumors I hear, but it's either walk away from the problems, or start hitting people.

    Considering how I manhandled Marty, and backhanded Dana already, I'm surprised nobody has called me a woman-beater yet. I'll wait on it, so I'm not surprised when it does come.

    If it wasn't for the other Druids, and Fadia coming back, I think I'd have left for a while about this point. There's only so much shit any shovel can hold, and I've already taken my share._