3. Diary of a Fuzzy Sorceress

Diary of a Fuzzy Sorceress


  • Entry 20

    It has been unbearable. I can feel jealousy stirring rage in me. It scares me. I fear hurting people I care about. I fear becoming the monster I was when the Dark Enchantress had me. Most of all, I feel guilty. Guilty that I want what Feather has badly enough that it stirs this rage. I fear hurting her most of all.

    I saw both outside Jerrick's house, tending to a little garden. I laid down at the edge of the trees. I wanted to go talk to them. I wanted to run from them. Instead I just sat, unable to decide. Feather noticed me and decided for me. She came to me. I confessed everything. My feeling guilty, my fears of hurting her, my past with the Dark Enchantress and the lingering scars of that. She listened. She hugged. She brushed aside my fears, reassuring me that I won't hurt her. By my own words she is convinced of that.

    I feel better now. I'm glad I didn't run. Though I don't think I agree with her that I'm the bravest person she knows. I still hide myself too much. I think it's time I did change that. And more importantly, I need to fix myself.

    After that theraputic talk, I ended up hunting gnolls with Val, Rasuil, and Uljas. Before we entered their lands, us spellcasters began to cast our defensive spells. And that's when I remembered, Uljas is wary of hexxers.

    Stop hiding. I decided to make a step in that direction. Besides, he deserved the truth. I respect him. Plus, he handled the fact that I'm a werecat pretty well, considering. He's wary of my hexxing, to be sure. He insisted I don't cast hexes on him, and I promise not to.

    On the other hand, I think I ended up drawing some respect later. While we were fighting, there was one point that we were surrounded by a large group of the dog-faced beasts. I let myself loose. Let my animal insticts run free, let the rage out.

    Looking back, it was odd. I clawed at the gnolls with a strength and fury I didn't know I had. It was rather… liberating. Maybe I should do it a bit more often. If anything, I felt my rage satiated.

    Uljas commented that I haven't forgotten my roots, not even the hexxing will keep me from that.

    I agree. My mother always told me not to hate my tribe for the bullying of me being a half-breed. And I still do not hate them for chasing me out when my sorcery manifested. In the end, they were still family.

    I wish I knew if any were still alive.

    The week ended with me having a drink with Luke, of all people. Sabre's mate, I think. Remember her from Fight Night? Luke comes across as a very happy-go-lucky kind of guy. Though with him being a sailor, I'm sure he's no push-over.

    Note to self: Fear that "Riskey." By Selûne, I'm still feeling the burn of that stuff. Good stuff if you want to knock yourself out for a day.


  • Entry 19

    I should not have participated in that game. Idiot. Yeah, it was entertaining up until it was my turn. Some interesting questions getting asked, with interesting answers. And yeah, Benji and Arandor had good questions for me.

    But Jerrick… what was he thinking? Honestly, I don't think he was thinking. Even he knew it was a bad question after he asked it. "If you could change one thing about a person besides yourself, who and what would that be?"

    <g>F A R K</g>

    I didn't answer it, Benji had another question instead. But I might as well have, I think it was pretty clear what my answer is.

    * The writing on this page is smudged in a few spots from tear drops. *


  • Entry 18

    Alright. I know I said it's nice to have some other problems happening so I don't think about my own. But <g>FARK!!</g> It's getting to be too much!

    Aelthas was attacked by Sharrans again. A werecat tried to seduce him.

    Oh, and Rasuil ate some bad soup that had him really sick. It was quite disgusting.

    Fighting goblins with Attentus was a highlight of the week. He's not too bad with that sword. He was impressed with my archery skills too. Yeah, for a sorceress, I'm a pretty good shot.

    But big crap situation number one was due to that farking bastard, Jay. And whatever bitch priestess was with him. Jack, I think her name was. They decided to attack us all in town, trying to get Troff and Gina. Or Ginas rather, she was cloned. Farking bastard almost killed Jerrick. They did manage to kill Troff.

    Sorry, Jaelle, but he's gonna die. Too many of us want his blood now.

    Fadia's around again. That's perhaps the second highlight of my week. For the record, she's the third person to say I'm probably better off without Jerrick as my mate. Whatever.

    Fight Night was meh. I didn't do terrific at the archery. And boxing had me outmatched by a bruiser of a half-orc. It was nice seeing Aelthas beat him. Though Aelthas was still no match for Yana. Mind you, I wouldn't have minded if I was beaten by her, at least she's a pretty.

    Jerrick… is getting really stressed out now. He's on edge especially after Jay and Jack's brutal assault. I'm kinda worried about him. He didn't stick around for the rest of Fight Night and I decided to stick with him. I could tell he needed a shoulder to lean on and well, Feather must have been off at the Den or sleeping in cuz she wasn't around.

    Shut up. He's my friend. I'm not trying to steal him here.

    Unfortunately, my hugging-Jerrick time was interrupted. Grag requested that I talk to this Legion soldier. He's got a split personality and Grag figured that I've dealt with such things so I'm an expert, right?

    <g>FARK.</g>

    And to top off my week? Demons. They were after this couple… Ashe was the woman I think. They were after their baby, I think. And Death took him to the heavens for safety.

    Yeah, I'm hoping that I don't get any more involved in THAT.

    However, this mage cloning people I do find curious. Scary, but curious.

    Curious for all the wrong reasons, I know.


  • Entry 17

    Ugh, problem after problem after problem…

    Goblins attacked the town. Using portal magics. Talk about flashbacks to Skara's day. They broke into the Temple of Chauntea and stole a relic, a silver sickle.

    Yeah, I'm looking forward to helping retrieve that. Note to self: Bring gloves in case.

    Aelthas also ran into a Sharran who tricked him into drinking some kind of poison. Now we have to move quickly to finish up the potion that the Boar has been having us work on, and then somehow go to Selûne. Yes, you heard me right. The celestial told Aelthas he has to go to Our Lady of Silver in the sky.

    If there's one good thing about all these problems, it's that it lets me ignore my own.


  • Entry 16

    It was a relatively quiet day. Somebody was spooked at some caltrops found in the woods. They also said they saw a whirlwind of sand kill an animal, but Belia and I didn't find that. I'll just keep an eye out, that's all.

    The shocking news of the day, and perhaps the whole week, is that Jay is back from the dead. That's the one who was Jaelle's lover, as far as I can tell. You know, the one she told me should be on the Wall. As in Faithless. I don't care if anybody calls me paranoid, but dammit my instincts are screaming that bad stuff will come of this. Be careful, Badger.

    I got to talk to Attentus again today. Honestly, I think I ended up realizing a few things about myself.

    Number one, I hide. I hide so much I've even hidden from myself. I mean, how else can I explain that I fell in love without knowing it. I hide the pain I still feel. I've always hidden.

    Number two, I hide because I'm farking scared of how people would react to certain truths. It's a bit silly, because so far people I've shared said secret with have taken it in stride. Except for Malika. She didn't like the betrayal of trust, understandably so. I'm actually surprised she hasn't said anything about it. Maybe that should be my proof that even if they don't like the truth, they will still give me a chance. I should just stop the masquerade. Stop hiding.

    I'll work at it. Promise.

    Number three, I can't let go of Jerrick like I should because that's the one thing I've not had. The one thing my sister's had in her life that I didn't. I mean, Andu just doesn't…

    Yeah, I really do need to stop hiding. Maybe I should start here.

    <g>FARK.</g>


  • Entry 15

    I feel a bit drained. Too much stress and tension going on.

    Lots of us gathered at Jerrick's house again. Not all of it was pleasant. Some arguments, happened. Jerrick looks very stressed out. He's not one to show stress and anger often.

    I actually wore a dress. I never wear dresses. They're no good for traveling in the woods. Even I did a double-take when I saw how I looked after trying on one of Feather's dresses. Okay, it was a bit tight in places, being that I'm curvier. Still, wow!

    Things really didn't end too nicely after the party though. Jaelle seems to be hounded by the ghost of a former lover. Or mentally imagining it. Troff tried to help by fetching a priest. It was a nice gesture, but I can tell the priest he got maybe mucked things up worse. A priest of Hoar spouting about revenge. That put a look in her eye that worries me a lot.

    Yeah, as if I need even MORE reminders of what the Dark Enchantress put me through. <gnomish>FARK</gnomish>. I start to feel a little better about my broken heart, and crap happens to remind me that, yes, I still have a broken mind to worry about. I can still feel her farking collar around my neck when I think about it too much.

    Fark. <elvish>Fark.</elvish> <gnomish>FARK.</gnomish>

    What scares me most, is that if things were a little different, I could see myself going crazy like Jaelle. If Feather wasn't so much a sister to me, if she was a person I hated… it would be so easy to give into rage.

    Please, Selûne, give me strength NOT to. Let me focus my rage on other things.

    While you are at it, Selûne, give Badger the strength to pull Jaelle back from the brink.

    The following is written pretty hastily, like an after thought.

    Also, I gotta remember to talk to Attentus. He slipped.

    <gnomish>FARK.</gnomish>


  • Entry 14

    I found Thorn in the woods, as I was on my way to town from the glen. He was upset, saddened. Not as bad as I was over Jerrick, but still sad. I decided sit with him and hear out his problems.

    Is heartache contagious or something?

    He told me about his relationship with a girl and how it ended badly. She hates him very much, and tried to kill him. Please, Selune, don't let my jealousy turn me to such ways. I offered what comfort I could, but I'm not sure I really gave any meaningful advice. Sometimes, however, it's a huge help to have a person to just listen. It helped me a lot.

    He was surprised when I mentioned how I knew what hate can do to ruin a person. He says I'm too nice to be like that. I wish that were true. But to hear him say it means that I've done something right with myself.

    Maybe sometime I'll tell him the other half of the tale I told.

    He also wanted some advice on magic. Jerrick thinks he's got some potential at working nature magic. Now I do arcane magic, it's different. It's even more different with being a sorceress; the magic is within me as much as outside. I still think I gave him some good suggestions though. We'll see if any of it works.

    Also, an old Wolf returned. Old enough to realize I don't talk with a purr like I used to. Note to self: Ask Benji how to spell that word he cusses all the time. I find myself saying it repeatedly right now.

    I mean, this means having to talk about THAT secret. It's not so bad telling it to the few friends who have come to know me in recent times, they don't have preconceptions. But an old Wolf? Fark me. Let's hope the name, "Lorelai," isn't familiar to him. If it isn't, then I probably will be okay. If not… Fark. Fark Fark Fark.

    I should make sure Jerrick's nearby.

    FARK!


  • Entry 13

    As I was heading from the druid glen to town, I overheard the sounds of merriment coming from Jerrick's house. Curiosity got the better of me and so I decided to poke my head in. Glad I did, Jerrick and Feather were having a party of sorts. Lots of Wovles there, and even Aelthas and Ronan came by.

    Again, it was nice to relax. Drink some mint tea, have some cookies, laugh and tell stories. I swear Feather hung onto me as much as she did Jerrick. She really has taken to me as a sister. Actually, it's comforting. I missed having a close family. Okay, yeah, the druids and the Wolves are family. But I missed having Vilmar and Xixia and even Grimolf.

    It even dulls the pain and jealousy.

    The only part of the night's conversations that had me feeling out of sorts was when we were talking about Aelthas's bond with Lycka and the similarities to the elven Lifebond. Thank Selûne nobody tried asking about Andu. I'm actually rather glad that subject hasn't been brought up at all.

    When the part was all over, I stuck around Ronan and finished my tale. He took it well and wasn't bothered by "the big secret." Actually, he gave some interesting thoughts about it. I wonder if she really is just letting me have my time at life.

    And there I go starting into secrets I don't want to write about. Next topic!

    He also spoke his mind about Jerrick and my feelings for him. He pretty much thinks the same as Aelthas. I'm better off without Jerrick. Yeah, he hasn't had the best of relationships. And yes, he seems to flirt a bit. But hell, I used to be an awful flirt, too. Been tempted to be again actually. And then there's Kaetlyn. Ronan brought that up to show that Jerrick never really committed to her. If he loved her as much as he said, he would have gone searching for her, right?

    I can see what he's saying. But on the other hand… If she really loved him, why did she leave?

    Seeing as I don't know, I'm just going to let it be.

    Better I focus on my own heart and mind.


  • Entry 12

    I spent some time with Jerrick, telling him about the Fight Night he missed. I still struggle to come to grips with this. Whenever he's near, I feel so peaceful and happy. But it's bittersweet. I can't have him in my life the way I want and it tugs at me each time we part. It's worse when I see him with Feather. Yes, that scares me. I don't want to hurt either of them.

    Troff and Eli said something that made me take pause. I think Aelthas was put off by it too. "Faith is weird." The comment was in remark to a woman who seems to be having quite a crisis of faith. A fallen paladin, who turned to Bane, and now turns to another god.

    I can sort of see what Eli and Troff were meaning though. If you aren't a servant like a priest or druid, then it can seem like you are quite removed from the gods. The gods answer a priest's prayer of healing for example, to cure a wound or disease.

    What about the rest of us?

    I decided to tell the story of how I came to worship Selûne. Only Troff stuck around to listen to it, I think Eli had some militia matters to worry about. I told him of my childhood, growing up an outcast. And how I was run out of town when my sorcery manifested. My tribe follows old ways. Magic that isn't divinely granted was believed to be devilry.

    When I finally stopped running, I was in a clearing and lost. No more home, no more family, no place to go. I prayed to Selûne, recalling that she was a patron to wanderers, and then looked to the night sky. A star seemed to shimmer a little more than the rest. I followed it. And after days of travel, I found myself in Norwick.

    I could have just passed off that shimmer as my mind playing tricks on me. I could have stopped following it, giving up on it leading me anywhere. I didn't though. I placed myself into Selûne's hands and she led me to where I belong.

    Do the gods answer prayers to those who aren't direct servants? Yes, if that person takes the chance to put his or her faith in them.

    I hope Troff took that lesson from my story.

    After my story time, I ended up getting a bit silly. Aelthas and Uljas can be very childlike sometimes, and their immature fun was infectious. From 'reverse vampires' to me getting carried away literally to a pile of cats, it was a lot of silly fun. Enough to distract me from my own problems for a while at least.

    A careful observer will note that this page seems to have a light sprinkling of pixie dust on it.


  • Entry 11

    Fight Night again. I expected to do what I usually do. Participate in the archery, then watch everybody beat each other up in the boxing and team fights. Benji was put in charge instead of Aramuil this time, however. And he took a suggestion from Maya.

    We had a grand tournament style team competition. All entrants were paired up randomly and they would compete together in all the events. So that would mean I'd be getting myself beat up instead of watching. Seeing as I did decent boxing against Hammerhand, I decided to go for it.

    Lady Luck likes irony, I think.

    I was paired up with a woman by the name of Sabre. She came across as a sailor (which Aelthas later confirmed for me). I have to say her care-free and raunchy attitude was rubbing off on me. I think I really needed a night to just let go. Did me some good. We actually did pretty good as a team too. We only placed in the archery event, but we held our own admirably in the boxing and team fighting.

    I cheated a bit in the boxing, I wore the "Prowling Outfit." Why not distract the men, eh?

    Sabre and I did win the traditional… um... I don't know how to spell the word Benji used for it. Basically a free-for-all with everbody in the ring. Too bad Jerrick wasn't there to see that.

    Shut up, I know I gotta try to get over him.

    So what's so ironic about me and Sabre being teamed up? Well, the Black Sails have Umberlants among their group. So the fact that we got along together well is pretty impressive. That or they just didn't realize who I worship.

    But hey, it's not like I'm going to make a point to be on their bad side. I've got too many things to worry about as it is.


  • Entry 10

    I found out what seems to have Badger so worked up. Part of it is that the high tensions that are around lately are putting him on edge. The other part, and probably the more impacting, is Jaelle. He's been trying to help her. I remember she was an Umberlant. That does kinda put me off, but the important word there is 'was'. I hope he succeed in helping her find a better life. May he see the good in her and make her see it too.

    It was such a chance that saved me.

    No, I'm not explaining. Certain secrets, remember?

    Anyways, there was this warpriest who asked me to spar. I don't usually spar. Mostly because I prefer fighting with the strength of my feline form and the claws to rip people apart. He seemed fine with it though, welcoming the challenge. I tore him up pretty good, even without using any of my spells first. I move pretty swiftly as a feline, and my hide is tougher. He hit hard when he connected though. We tried a round of boxing after. No, not boxing while I was feline, just a normal half-elf. I felt kind of silly. It's an interesting duality I have, being a big strong werecat, or a wimpy half-elf sorceress. He seemed to focus on hitting hard, but a bit wildly and easy to dodge, while I struck fast and peppered him with my fists. I felt like a kitten.

    Gotta say though, I did decent for being a kitten. Maybe I should try boxing at Fight Night. I think I want some gloves though, to make up for my lack of strength.

    His name is Hammerhand. An apt name, by my reckoning.

    Also, Aelthas learned to fear kitty hugs.

    On the following day, the "infection" finally started manifesting in people. What's really scary is that it affected people who weren't hit by the troblins at all. It spreads like an actual disease would. That's going to make quarentine rougher, I think.

    So, what did I change into?

    A cow. Of all the things, I become a cow. And not just any regular cow, but be the account of others I was a demon cow. Or a devil cow? I breathed fire. And apparently Benji's curiosity got the better of him. He tried milking me.

    Yeah, I'm still not sure what to make of that too. I mean, as a person, I'm disgusted at the idea of being milked. But I was a cow, and people milk cows.

    I roasted him for it, I'm told.

    Aelthas made him apologize. It's nice having a brother again. I probably should be angrier at Benji, and looking back on it it does make me frown. But Aelthas already roughed him up, and it was just too bizarre. I forgave Benji and we both agreed to just leave it in the past.

    Helps that I don't remember any of it. I'm rather glad I don't.

    ((OOC Author Note: I do believe this makes me caught up with everything Tindra's recently been through. Yay for me DMing last night instead of PCing!))


  • Entry 9

    I told Aelthas about seeing Selûne. "Don't waste the chance… She did it for a reason." I wonder what reason though. Yeah, okay, okay. I'm probably one of her most faithful followers in the region. Not enough to be priestess or such, but still pretty faithful. I worshiped her even before I became a werecat. Maybe she guided me to becoming a werecat because of that.

    Aelthas and Jerrick both say I shouldn't rush off to find the reason. It'll come to me.

    Tensions among the quarantined are getting high. I think people are suffering being homesick. It doesn't bother me too much, the woods are my home. Though I do so much want to take a bath in my hot spring. I just don't want to chance me changing and ruining the place. A woman named Jaelle seems especially out of sorts. I haven't paid too much attention to her though.

    Badger also worries me. He's mopey and reckless. Hope that break up he had with Mia didn't hit him as hard as my own heartbreak.


  • Entry 8

    A while back, we found a gnome in the woods who was in poor shape. He said he was taken from his home and left in the woods for a hunt. Jerrick and I realized what he meant. The Great Hunt, a Malarite tradition to honor their god. Simply put, they hunt people. Jerrick did some scouting as a hawk then, and the Malarites were still weeks travel away.

    The time finally came, so us Wolves decided to turn the tables on the Malarites and hunt them. It was a bloody fight. The Malarites were well prepared in number. That actually did work out well for us in some ways, as we were able to scavange healing potions from their fallen. We almost lost some of our own numerous times though.

    Including me. Actually, I think I was dead, if only for a brief moment. I charged a lone archer who was picking us off while we fought his brethren. I thought to rip him down with my claws. Unfortunately, I didn't see that two more archers were just behind him. I got one swipe into him before they drove arrows into my chest.

    I felt like I was floating in dark silence. A light shone down on me from above, and when I looked up at it, I saw Her face. Selûne. The light was comforting, soothing. She spoke to me, "Not yet, Child. Not now."

    I woke with a jolt; the sound of battle around me. The Malarite archers stood above my body, shooting at my fellow Wolves. They were oblivious to the fact that I was alive.

    She sent me back. There is a reason for me to be here.

    We eventually did stop the Hunt. Their leader seemed rather impressed and conceded defeat. But we are sure we'll see them again next year. She hinted that Wolves might be the selected prey.

    Afterward, we returned to the Den for tea. We officially invited Feather into the pack. She finally revealed some of her past. Her parents were not kind people, and abused her. She finally was able to run away and found her way here. It makes sense, now, how she resembles myself when I came to Norwick. Both of us abused, though granted my parents were not the abusers.

    Near the end of the day I was alone with Jerrick again. He said that he was very relieved when Selûne's light graced my body and revived me.

    He doesn't make it easy to get over him. I still feel pained.

    It's the jealousy that scares me though.


  • Entry 7

    Aelthas is getting stir crazy, I think. He, along with many of us, still carry that Troblin "infliction." So he can't really go home, in case he turns into a giant or a demon and wrecks havoc. Or even a giant demon. He said last time he turned into a golem. He's resorted to taking his frustration out in dueling with others.

    Attentus showed up today! It was so good to see him again. He was the one who took me under his wing and taught me how to understand my sorcery. I owe him a lot for it. I find it funny that he shows up days after I mention his name. I joked that he must have taken lessons from Illusif.

    Illusif… I do miss him. Yeah, yeah, I know rakshasa's are dangerous. But he was a real gentleman. He was handsome, too. Don't judge me. I'm half-feline.

    Attentus and I spent some time catching up. He comforted me on my troubles with love. He's facing a similar situation, except he has yet to confess.

    I started to tell Ronan about my ment-

    Er... sorry, I don't want that secret written down. I do have to finish telling him the tale though.


  • Entry 6

    I met up with Feather today at Jerrick's house and had tea. I was hoping to learn more about her. That didn't work out, she prefered to listen about my own past. She evades talking of her own. I wonder what trauma lies therein. I think I'll find out in time.

    Since she had never seen the druid glen yet, I took her there. She loved it, as I knew she would. Anybody who cherishes nature would find the place delightful. Malika was talking to a bardess, Val. She wanted to know some history of the Defiler, to record it in history. By Selune, that woman can make beautiful music.

    We then went to Norwick, and found Aelthas acting a bit funny. I was quite worried and tried to get him to go to the den, but he wouldn't listen. Instead we got attacked by troblins. Hate them. As if normal goblins weren't disgusting enough. And the "infection" is quite annoying. Actually hurts right now to shapeshift.

    Jerrick and I were also caught a white wyrmling dragon. He's been pestering us for the past week since we smashed his, "army" of snow goblins. He dropped bombs on us in retaliation. Jerrick finally got fed up and summoned powers of lightning and transformed into a hawk to chase the wyrmling down and zap him. That was a sight to behold.

    We spared the wyrmling for now. Jerrick wants to take his time to decide it's fate. While I agree that ending it's life would be the safest, I have some curiosity of the critter.

    After locking up the wyrmling, Jerrick and I talked more. About us. And Feather. Our friendships. Being alone with him is tempting. Very tempting. How can I endure this?


  • Entry 5

    Aramuil, you ass. You have the WORST timing.

    He asked if I had any luck with Jerrick. I know, I KNOW he meant about the black tree. He probably had no clue about the pain I've been in. Still, that felt like a knife in my heart.

    Luckily, Aelthas had something to cheer me up. By Selune, this is the best gift I have EVER gotten.

    He and I had talked before how I was a bit jealous that people like Grag, Lyte, and Maya had dolls made of them. Aelthas himself has a Maya doll. So he went and talked to Benji. And lo, I now carry a doll of me. And the best part? On command, the statue will change into a werecat doll.

    I was giggling like a child with my new toy.

    I participated in Fight Night's archery contest like usual. I almost didn't, but I need to try to get back to living my life. Jerrick cheered me on, and I shot well, but a silly bard somehow outshot me.

    On the other hand, Jerrick won the archer contest. He claimed I was his good luck charm. Hearing that made me happy. A bittersweet happy, but happy.

    A flamboyant priest of Tymora tried to compliment me by saying Jerrick and I make a good couple. Again with the knife to the heart. Maybe Aramuil isn't the worst with timing.

    Jerrick and I spent the rest of Fight Night together, mostly me watching him compete. After, we hugged and he left to tend to other matters. I felt my happiness leave with him. Brendel comforted me some. I think it got him in trouble though, with his own love.

    That didn't end well.

    Later, I was at the fire in the center of town and Jerrick stopped by again. We talked more for a while. Benji seemed to get nosy, which bothered Jerrick a bit. Jerrick says Benji's been nosy about all the women he's with. We ended up picking on the poor guy by acting a bit silly. I do feel a bit guilty about it, cuz Benji did make that wonderful toy doll of me. I'll have to make it up to him somehow.

    ((OOC Author Note: I apologize if I do get some events out of order. I think I have it mostly correct. I think I better look into rotating logs again, I have the feeling I will be writing as much as I did with Kara's diary. Oh, snap. Can Narfell handle another 70,000 word diary?


  • Entry 4

    Back to Norwick. It was nice spending some time with Aelthas, Lycka, and the kids. However, I was starting to get a headache. I just can't get used to city life. Criers shouting in the streets, crowds of people coming and going, the lack of trees, buildings looking the same. Give me the woods anytime over this.

    My heart is still heavy. Often I just feel like crawling away and hiding from the world. I've done that once before. It didn't do any good.

    I've spent a lot of time on the small cliff near the south gate, just looking out into the woods and watching people come and go. I suppose I'm still hiding in a way. Hiding in plain sight. But still people notice me.

    They notice the pain right away, even though I wear one of my new helms. I wonder how many saw me falling for Jerrick before I knew it. Brendel didn't, he was shocked. He thought my disappearance was because I was sick.

    Yeah, I am sick. Heart sick.

    Benji of all people picked up what was going on. While he's never been a close friend, I am glad for his words of comfort. He promised that I'd be getting a gift he hopes I like. To be honest, I'm not sure if I should be curious or afraid. He's quite an inventor, but explosions seem to be a regular occurance for him.

    Jerrick stopped to visit me too. That was… odd. His presence stirs emotions. I feel comforted that he is near me. I feel afraid that I'll do something to turn him away. I feel sadness that he'll only be a friend. I feel happy that he still wants to be my friend.

    He almost left. He could tell I was uncomfortable. My chest felt like it was in a vice and I called out for him. "Stay." We talked. It made me feel a little better.


  • Entry 3

    I feel so drained. Exhausted. I'm tired from the brutal emotions I have felt over these past few months, and especially the past few weeks. How could this have happened? I wasn't looking for love. Not for me.

    Why didn't I see it? That is the question I constantly ask myself. When I look back, I can see the turning point. Jerrick's disappearance. It bothered me a lot. It shook me that something I did put a friend's life in danger. It shook me more that it was more important to refuse to give in. I chose the safety of others over the life of him because I knew he would rather be dead. I wouldn't be able to face him if I gave in.

    Of course, he returned. The threat was done away with.

    But having to make that choice shook me. I just didn't realize why.

    It angered me, having to make that choice. When I finally was alone with him, I let it out. I hit him, yelled at him, hit him some more, and finally… cried my heart out. I felt better after. Happy really.

    I felt so giddy, spending time with him. And with Feather. And how much they seemed to reach out to each other. Jerrick's had a rough time with women. I mean... just take his fiance for example. Back when Adriell was back, I was hoping those two get together. Didn't work out though, I wonder where she went off to.

    But Jerrick and Feather? I was ready to try to play Miss Matchmaker.

    Maybe it was just me being in denial of my own feelings.

    Either way, my world crashed down on me when she confessed to me that she loves him. I felt like my insides were twisting up. I couldn't think straight. And talking? Yeah, right.

    Jealousy, that's what it was. Slowly, as it dawned on me, I realized all this time, I was wishing to be the one to say those words. Feather knew it. Jerrick didn't. Neither of the two of us saw it.

    I wanted so much to be with him then. But... Feather...

    It's been so long since I felt this pained.

    ((OOC author note: The diary isn't exactly at "current" time right now. I felt that it's best to start her diary just after the night this started. I'm hoping to catch it up quickly.))


  • @d0f4d97f5e=A:

    Unrequited - by Tamara Willendt
    ((OOC author: Kallethen))

    It caught me by surprise
    What I saw before my eyes
    An angel sent from the heavens above
    And I stand here knowing
    From a glance and a smile
    It's my Love

    I am frozen in this place
    I look upon my dear Love's face
    Bright eyes like emeralds reflecting the sun
    Leave me standing here staring
    At a glance and a smile
    From my Love

    This feeling I have, soaring so high
    It’s as if I can pluck out the stars from the sky
    Being this close to Love washes away all my fear
    My heart beats strong as I try to keep my Love near

    Alas…

    I see my Love standing with another
    Their arms wrapped around each other
    My world comes crashing down around me
    And I stand here waiting
    Hoping
    Praying
    For a glance and a smile
    From my Love

    Entry 2

    I've suffered many wounds in my life. Many of them terrible. Of them all, the worst is the one I suffer now. My heart is broken. It's painful. It's sadness. It's anger. It's fear. It's jealousy. All of that packed together and more. It hit me so quickly and forcefully that I was stunned.

    It scares me how much it hurts and how fast it happened.

    It would be less painful to just shun both of them. Close both Jerrick and Feather out of my life and move on, giving it little thought. I can't though. Not just because I promised not to.

    Jerrick has been family to me. He is of the Druid Circle and of the Wolves of Narfell. Both groups consider each other kin. He will be in my life always, through that.

    And Feather. The moment I met her she felt like a sister to me. She resembles how I was when I first came to Norwick. I wonder if she was as hurt in the past like I was. Was she shunned by her own? Did she face constant ridicule? I can't bring myself to hurt her more than she already has been.

    And so I keep them both in my life. Even though it hurts every time I am near him. Even though I feel jealousy whenever I see the two together. Even though I silently cry myself to sleep.

    "Kitty is broken," said Tojan. The pixie's right. I'm very broken.

    ((OOC Author note: While I may include a reason for the song finding it's way here in a later entry, I should note that I wrote it years ago after an inspiring RP session on Narfell with one of my old characters, Kara Willendt. Another character was in love with her, but she did not have the same feelings for him. Yet he still was a major part of her life and the unrequited love inspired me to write the song. I am sure that Illuminatus, the player in question, would find it ironic that one of my characters is in a similar situation. The Bardic College has a copy of this song in it's library.))