Into the Mind of a Priestess
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I have oft wondered why tis that certain people cross our paths… why they do so at the exact time they do... if there is a lesson to be learned from them or is perhaps there is some way we might aid them, some to see the light and others to reaffirm their faith?
Of late though, I have more wondered of inner feelings. So oft I hear people say, "It just felt right." The word "right" leaves so much to interpretation that the entire statement could take on an entire different meaning from person to person.
There is also that strong "feeling" within that urges one to take a certain path or lean towards a certain decision. Instinct? Perhaps on the part of some. The unspoken whisper of the God a person follows? Again, perhaps on the part of some. For the most part, those 'feelings' have always been correct for me. I have learned to listen to them and abide by what they tell me. There has only been one time I have struggled with a decision that needed made, one that went against those feelings... yet...
No further writings are on this page. The author was obviously distracted or detained or simply did not wish to finish on parchment?
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Today I walked the city alone. I sat alone in the commons, cloaked and hooded and listens to the various conversations, watched the ongiongs of the people who call this place 'home'. It was no surprise to find the usual half-drunken citizens. It was no surprise to hear the ever-present political jabber of the city citizens. What I did find surprising was watching a middle-aged man offer to help a woman who was alone with a baby. She was attempting to carry the baby and a good amount of fruit and wares. The man simply approached her from the other side of the street and asked if he could aid her… and he did. He asked nothing in return. He did not wear the colors or styles of nobility, nor was he a peasant. He spoke cheerily with her the entire time he aided her, yet not once did he make any comment indicative of anything other than friendly aid.
For the first time in a long time, I smiled, genuinely, as I watched him. Time spent in this land steals one's belief in people and I am not immune to its touch. There is so much darkness and yet today, a single ray of light shone brightly. A light that opened my eyes to the realization that no task is too small when it means helping another. No task is menial or unimportant. Furthermore, one can ne'er tell just who might be watching them as they aid others simply out of the goodness of their hearts.
Today I saw just how much work I -do- have to do here.
-
"You have work to do, Priestess."
She opened her eyes to again only find darkness. Darkness so deep that it seemed not even the brightest light could penetrate it.
"Yes. I have work to do."
She replied, knowing there was much for her to do.
"Where will you begin, Priestess? You need a plan."
Pondering those words silently, she realized that she truly had no plan, not any longer.
"I do not believe I need a plan. I simply need to be amidst the chaos providing a light where there is a need."
"Without a plan, you will fail. Let me help you devise a plan, Priestess."
"I do not need your help for anything."
She nearly sneered as she spoke the words
"But you do. You do need me. Your god isn't taking him from your mind, is he Priestess? I can take him from your mind. I can give you relief."
Her hands clenched into fists against the spoken words, foul words uttered in the secrecy of her own dreams.
"You will help me only to destroy me. You call that help?"
The resounding laughter made her cringe.
"Oh Priestess, I would never destroy you. You would be far too valuable to me alive. Let me take him from your thoughts."
"No."
Her response was spoken aloud in a firm and certain manner, so firm that it awakened her from her dream. She lit a small candle and pulled a leatherbound book from the drawer and began to write. Night slipped into morning where she found the solice of the sunlight to take the place of her dreams. Just afore morning prayers, she sat and watched the sunrise, speaking as if to the gentle morning breeze.
"Yes, I have work to do."
-
"He's gone, Priestess."
"Who?"
"Your guardian. He's gone."
The mocking voice managed to touch the furthest reaches of her inner being. Even in the dark void of her dream, she closed her eyes against it. Any response she thought of either proved her resolve uncertain or made her face the fact that he is, indeed, gone. Ultimately, she chose no response at all and remained silent.
"He's gone and you're alone, Priestess."
"No. I'm not alone."
"You're alone. But you don't have to be."
"I'm not alone."
"You are alone, Priestess. You walk this life alone. I can feel the loneliness within you. Let me change it."
"No… "
She stumbled in her response wishing desparately to lash out, yet knowing all too well to remain calm. Feelings of the deepest disgust and revulsion flooded her.
"You'll grow tired of being alone. And why should you be, a beautiful woman like yourself? You'll come to me."
"Never."
*A sharp shake of her head in disagreement caused her to awaken. Grasping the symbol about her neck, she slipped from her bed to her kinees. There she remained until the rays of first light were seen through the small window. Safe. Protected. Guarded. *
-
"You look just as you did years ago, Priestess."
"Perhaps."
"Still beautiful. Still young. How do you manage it?"
"I do not."
A low chuckle resonates through her mind at her response.
"Surely you do not believe your god does this for you?"
"If tis done at all, tis His doing."
"Only the most devoted gain such favor, Priestess."
"I know."
"You are not without failings, Priestess. You have faltered and nearly fallen."
"Yet here I stand for Him."
"Are you certain, Priestess?"
"Yes."
Laughter rang through the darkness in her mind. She cringed at the sound, knowing its' mocking well.
"You have strayed from your faith, Priestess. You have allowed others to become more important to you than your service. This is good. I encourage you to continue."
She winces at the words knowing them to be truth, yet squares her shoulders and draws a deep breath, responding slowly and clearly
"Your words are true though none are perfect and I have made peace with the past and am letting it go. My service will be all I live for now."
"We will see, Priestess. We will see. I am ever watching."
The voice echoes in her memory as her eyes open slowly. The pitch dark room gives no more light than the surroundings in her dream. Her fingers find the symbol about her neck and clutch it tightly as she whispers into the night.
"I shant let go."
-
((Long read ahead.
))The flame of a single candle dances about in the evening air, casting eerie shadows about the small room. Darkness falls and she welcomes it with open arms, the same darkness that resides constantly in her mind. Darkness, void of answers, void of knowledge, void of hope. The end of the quill between her teeth, she sits silently on the small bed with a leatherbound book in her lap, not even the sound of her breathing is heard. Silvery-blue eyes wander the small room as if in search of answers, answers hidden by the years, buried by time. Pine cones hung on a single string from the ceiling seem to catch her attention for a brief moment as her mind wanders into the past, memories, laughter, tears, promises… gone. Tears begin to well in her eyes, tears so familiar, seeming to be her best friend, having taken the place of what she once knew long ago. The maiden suddenly draws a deep breath and a whisper meets the night air mingled with a hope twill be heard somewhere... somehow, "Do I let go now? Is it time?" The quill meets the page and she begins the attempt of organizing her thoughts, memories and fears on a parchment. Perhaps for her own benefit, perhaps in hopes the words will provide some sort of answers, perhaps desperately reaching out yet not knowing to whom or how.
"Years. How many years? I have lost count. The memories, some of them are so real, as if I lived them yesterday. Yet some are hazy in my mind as if shrouded by a fog. I have for so long held hope. I wonder, is it possible to hold so tightly to hope that one is completely blinded to the facts that surround them? Am I blinded by my own hope?"
Her mind drifts back in time. Norwick. The bondfire. Her company is a simple servant such as herself. Quiet times spent talking. Times spent defending the land together. She smiles briefly, a sad smile that mixes with the tears.
"So long ago. Lands defended. Battles fought. Plans made to thwart one enemy aft another. We were victorious, were we not? So victorious that neither of us was certain if leaving on our journey was a wise decision. Perhaps we should have listened to the small voices speaking to us… "
The quill leaves a trail of ink on the parchment as her eyes close for a moment, the memories racing forward in time, fast-forwarded in a jumble of emotions and facts, e'er changing faces and surroundings. Her brow furrows and a shiver takes her just afore her eyes open again and blink through the tears to the parchment.
"Battle. We could ne'er seem to escape it no matter where we went. Was it our calling? Were we simply unfortunate? Were we destined to be constantly surrounded by the sights and sounds of death, pain and loss? Such a beautiful Kingdom. Lush fields and meadows, rolling hills and yes, pine trees, all nestled in a valley seemingly protected by the surrounding mountains. Seemingly. Who would have e'er imagined they would tunnel through the mountains?"
She pauses, her tear-reddened eyes turning to gaze at the flicker of the small flame. Her eyes close tightly against the visions in her mind as the events unfold again in her memory for the millionth time, or so it seems. The next writings on the parchment are shaken, telling a story in itself.
"You are to inherit this land one day. You are forbidden to join the field of battle! That is what we have soldiers for."
The voice rang through her mind as if he were standing right in front of her. The response ringing clear as well..
"I must go. I am sworn to defend them. Tis my calling and my duty. You surely understand this, Father."
She watched him turn and walk away, away from the callings out, away from the warnings, away from the pleadings. Her mind moves forward again in time to a quiet room where he prepares his armor and equipment without the aid of the keep's servants, only the two of them present.
"I shant allow you go alone. If you fight this battle, I fight with you. You will need a strong Priestess in the ranks."
She remembered all too well the worry and conflict that showed in his eyes upon her statement, yet her mind was made up.
"I know I can not stop you but please reconsider."
A shake of her head as she aided him in the final pieces of his armor, their eyes locked meaningfully for a long moment afore she left the small room and found a quiet place of prayer to ask for blessings for the coming battle.
"I remember it so clearly, so vividly. I watched as you rode to the front and took your rightful place at the head of the soldiers. I listened as you gave them their orders and relayed the stradegy. I felt my heart sink as you turned and led them full speed into the chaos of the battle. I prayed so diligently. Through the battle, I kept one eye on you at all times, knew each moment where you were and was painfully aware of your wounds, keeping you healed as best I could. I remember the fall… your horse going down and you with him... losing you in the midst of the bodies, weapons and blood. I remember my heart racing, calling out to you, screaming as loud as I could against the sounds of battle. I fought through to where I last saw you. Your horse lie dead in that very spot, yet where were you? I scanned the battle desperately in hopes of catching a glimpse of your unique armor yet all I could see was a field of blood, death and fighting. "Get to the rear, Priestess!" I heard it called out yet my mind was a whirlwind of panic. Next I knew, I was physically dragged from the battle to the rear, screaming as I was forcefully removed from the place of your falling. Forced to remain in the back, I did my best to aid the soldiers I could reach, watching the front lines fall and others replace the fallen, scanning in hopes of finding you, a glimpse even. Nightfall and the battle ceases, each side withdrawing to their bases, exhausted, battle-worn, pained, bloody, the stench horrible in the night air. When all was settled and tended to, I left camp for the battlefield. I spent the night looking for you, searching each fallen soldier thinking perhaps they had stolen your armor, seeing each face of the dead. Nothing. You were nowhere to be found. Had they taken you prisoner? Had you managed to get off the field and were lying injured somewhere else? Search parties... I went with each one for months. I checked every messenger to the Kingdom personally. No ransom notes, no word. Your Father and I were each other's solace, we grew close in your absence. I learned of your childhood, laughed and cried with him for what seemed an eternity. Still no answers."
A shaky hand places the quill down. She reaches for her pack and withdraws a golden band, holding it tightly atween forefinger and thumb. Tears fall on the sparkling gold as she raises it to her lips and kisses it once. A small piece of cloth is then folded carefully about the ring. She opens a drawer in table next to her bed and hesitates, holding the golden band in her hand tightly for a long moment afore placing it safely in the rear of the drawer. Drawing a ragged breath, she closes the drawer and gathers the quill one last time.
"Is it time? Aft years, should I at last say goodbye?"
With one final whisper sent on the breeze, she lies back and allows the tears to take her one last time.
"Goodbye, my love."
-
I have recently been involved in a most pleasant transaction. Not only was it unpleasant due to the unjust nature of the transaction, twas also unpleasant due to the involvement of an innocent child.
There were two who came to aid us. Those present were there for various reasons ranging from political interests to the keeping of promises made. Regardless, I was thankful for their aid and the knowledge that they were there, should anything go wrong.
The child is safe… the most important thing. Now I am left to wonder if this will set a precedent and speak to those of ill intent that such behavior will bring them personal gain.
I do not agree with giving in to such things yet twas not my decision to make. I spoke my thoughts and beliefs and they were heard. Tis all one can do. Still, I could not walk away from it knowing an innocent child was involved.
While I hope this is a situation I ne'er have to be involved in again, somehow... I doubt that hope will reach fruition.
I thank You, my Lord, for standing aside me and for giving me the courage and wisdom to see this through that the child can now be safe.
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I have recently had a lengthy conversation with a brother in faith. Apparently this brother was not aware of many things I have seen in regards to those who follow our Lord.
While the conversation cleared up some matters for us both, some I will ne'er understand. Torm's mandates for his Priesthood are very clear. All of them. Yet I have witnessed the refusal to aid in the fight of undead… by one of His Priests, I have personally been scorned for attempting to attone someone... by a Priest of my own faith, my requests for aid and mentoriship have gone unanswered and e'en made fun of... again, by other Priests of my own faith.
Would this not, in the eyes of our Lord, be corruption within the religious Order? Is arrogance a reason to refuse to aid in the fight against evil? IS there a reason good enough to do so? Not according to our Lord's mandates. Yet still, I see it... I hear it personally.
Torm's mandates on corruption within the Order are quite clear. Yet what is one to do when their voice is scorned, ignored and scoffed at?
I have made my decision based on Torm's mandates and I shall follow through with it irregardless of what corruption may be spoken against me.
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When I recently ask someone what they hated in this world, one of the responses was they hated to feel utterly helpless in a situation. I can so fully understand this feeling.
Confrontation seems a part of this life and likely always shall be due to the fact that people think and believe differently. Though, there are various levels of confrontation and one I shall be facing soon leaves a foul taste in my mouth for it ne'er should have been necessary to begin with, had others not acted in an unjust manner simply out of greed.
This upcoming confrontation leaves me with the feeling of utter helplessness. I am in a position where there is no option but to rely on others… and to place my trust in those I do not know... those who acted in such an unjust manner. This displeases me greatly. I must act in one fashion while believing something entirely different on the inside. I do not relish hiding my suspicions, neither my wish to state to them how unjust their actions are... yet if I do not remain quiet, lives will be placed in danger and most likely, lost.
I shall trust in the wisdom You have given me to see me through this situation. Walk at my side, be my thoughts and the words I speak.
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People are vicious and cruel in the way their minds work at times. Why is it that innocence is so oft used against the innocent? Should we not be encouraging innocence rather than using it for personal gain?
Tis not a matter I shall delve into indepth within this book, though if there is anything that I hate of this world, tis people using the innocence of others out of nothing more than unadulterated greed. Tis an injustice that should ne'er happen and one that sickens me deep within.
Is there hope for such deep seated greed in people? Can they perhaps be brought to understand that innocence should be treasured and not exploited? I hold faith that tis so, yet at the same time my own bias against such actions would make it extremely difficult for me to be the teacher. Perhaps therein lies the lesson for me.
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I was asked of recent a most interesting question…
Everyone has dreams, hopes, desires for their lives. I am no different though perhaps the basis on which I pursue them is a bit different.
A lengthy conversation of late about dreams, hopes and desires.. on a personal level, led to a question that still has my thoughts. I was asked if I would "settle" for less than what I hoped for my life.
In looking back, I can see signs that I have done so in the past. This causes me to examine why. Was I simply discouraged into believing my hopes were not realistic? Did I settle blindly by leaping in without fully knowing or understanding the situation afore hand? Perhaps I was merely young and had not the experience or wisdom ahind me that I have now?
Would I settle for less than what I hope for... In all honesty, I must state that in re-examining my hopes, I do not find them unrealistic and as such, I would have to state no. Does this mean my hopes cannot change? No. I have learned enough to realize that sometimes what we seek can be found in something other than how we had previously defined it. Perhaps tis simply we ne'er considered afore a particular experience or encounter.
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I have oft recommended to those who come to me seeking counsel, that relaxation on a regular basis helps not only the body to maintain balance, but also the mind. I have relearned this lesson personally of late.
Such a beautiful place. The sands were soft and clean, the water clear blue and warm, the weather perfect and the company and wine excellent. Well…. at least twas so aft we were ambushed by shadows and greater shadows, though thankfully they did not sway my companion from wishing to swim. Hours passed, turning into an entire day. There were no pressing duties to tend and the frolicing in the water was nothing less than freeing. The laughter was intoxicating as it rang through the clear sky...
I shall have to recall this lesson for myself more oft. Not only was I relaxed, but I slept very well, for the first night in months I was not ridden with the nightmares...
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I have come to understand that within each person lies both the sway of evil and the sway of good.
I have sat and spoken with paladins of just Gods whose views held taint. I have sat and spoken with some others would deem as evil, yet I find good in their hearts.
Where is the line drawn by which we should judge? Is not selfishness of evil sway? Greed? What of the times I lose patience with someone and snap at them? Is that righteous? No. Yet He does not judge me for it. I am placed here for a purpose… to spread His word and gather others to Him. Being Chosen does not make one perfect. I am far from it, but in watching His example of not judging me for my shortcomings, I find my path.
I am told that I should judge those found to be evil, that I should shun them, yet had I done so, the attonement of one in the past would have ne'er happened. How are we to reach and redeem them if we shun and judge them? Torm Himself spoke His pride in me at a previous attonement ceremony of one whom everyone told me to shun and turn away from.
My path is set by His example and I shall keep it.
-
Such a simple word. Trust. Not so simple in either definition or application. Some believe trust should be extended until one proves they are not trustworthy. Others believe trust should not be extended at all until one proves their worth of it.
I have had a recent conversation of trust. Twas elightening, yet not surprising, their views on what lends to them trusting another. Each person bases trust on something different. To some, their trust is earned by someone standing at their side and proving their friendship for a certain duration. For others, tis fighting alongside of them in battle. Yet to others, tis based on not being readily judged. Personally, I tend to base trust on honesty. I would rather someone differ with my beliefs openly than to sit with me and lie to my face, speaking flowery words of untruth. This is the starting point of trust for me though in considering this recent conversation, I had to ask myself what furthers that trust? This… is a conversation for another time as I wish to hear this person's views as well.
The application of trust is much different than merely verbalizing it. I was placed in a situation most recent where I was given no wise option other than to trust someone with possibly my very life and certainly my well being. This did not cause fear in me, rather I saw it as an opportunity to prove my trust in this person was well placed... and indeed twas. I was left unharmed due to their choice of action.
Choices... mm, yet another interesting topic I should like to discuss with this person. I find that more and more I look forward to our discussions and the gentle prodding of the various questions raised atween us.
A small note is hurriedly written at the bottom
They also have excellent taste in wine...
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A child. Of all the things…
Concern and perhaps e'en fear was evident in the eyes of the one I mentor as they stated to me there was something I needed know of them.
Tis not at all uncommon for people to come to me for council and as such, I simply listened.It took a bit for them to speak and whence they did, twas blurted out much as if forced by a pent up breath. I sat there stunned. Not because of what was spoken, but because of what was thought of me. It was feared that I would view the news as something negative.. somehow?
How could this e'en be thought of me? Have I not shown o'er and again how precious I believe children to be? Why… how could this have been missed? How could they have trained with me for so long and yet not known what my reaction would be?I assured them that I believed it to be wonderful that they have a child, though on the inside, I felt the sting of their doubt in me.
Is there anyone who truly knows me aside from You? Will there e'er be?
-
I have oft wondered by whose direction the Celestials appear. I still wonder at this.
The one I mentor, sort of, has fallen. We set out to put the rest the undead warriors that walk the other side of where Jiyyd used to be. The battle was intense and we were quickly surrounded by them. One came from ahind me and with a might blow, his large weapon pierced the armor at my back and sunk into the soft flesh aneath. I stumbled, blinded for a brief moment by the pain. Grasping for a potion, I ran from it and drank the potion in time to save my life though the one I was with saw it as their place to step in and gain the ire of the one who followed me. With a might blow, the undead warrior cut him down. I watched in horror as his partially severed body fell to the ground.
I am not one given to anger oft though his fall angered me… more than I can say. With that anger flaring, I headed back into the middle of the battle and ran about, gaining their attentions one by one and pulling them from the others to slay them. Whence all had been slain, I returned to where he fell. Much to my surprise, his corpse was not there. I called out to him both in fear and in surprise. I saw him fall! How could his body be gone? Did they take it? I looked about yet could not find it. I called out again. He did not respond. I asked Torm to keep him safe and to help me find him that I might aid him.
As I stood where he fell, gathering his items with a sense of confusion, the ground began to shake rather violently. I bent forward placing my hands on the ground to steady myself. Whence the ground stopped shaking, a brilliant white light came from the skies. I stood to my full height and squinted to see. To my absolute shock, there stood a Hound Archon afore me. Rubbing my eyes in disbelief did not change him being there. He was brilliant in stature and appearance. I know I must have looked quite the fool as I could barely speak and I cannot e'en recall what I said. He cast a spell I recognized to be Protection from the Elements then turned to me and spoke. Stunned and in awe, I was only able to listen to his words,
"He has returned. Seek him to the west."
Afore I could gather myself enough to speak, the ground began to shake again and he was gone from my sight. He left me with such mixed emotions and so many questions. I have ne'er seen myself worthy of the Celestial's aid and though Torm allows me the ability to call on them, I have ne'er done so. To have one come to me... but who sent him? Who's bidding was he doing? Was it I who was worthy and twas an answer to my prayer... or was it the fallen who was worthy and needed my aid... or perhaps both?
I will likely ne'er know the answers to such questions though I can say that a Celestial came to aid me. What a wonderful blessing!
-
Is it age, experience or a gift from You? I do not know, though I am noticing that the way I interpret things… and people... is changing. I seem to have a more intuitive insight into others at times. Not that I did not have such afore, though it seems to be deepening.
I wonder how many people go out of their way to avoid walking nearby one that is different on the outside. How many people shun them for their appearance without e'er seeing what lies aneath... or what might have caused the differences. Is one of such difference to be feared or abhorred simply based on those physical differences? A lifetime of being treated in such a manner would surely bode ill for the soul. Would it not cause one to lose hope and belief not only in themselves but also in others? Would it not teach them to be cold hearted and judgemental just as they have been treated? Would it not leave them feeling as though they were truly alone and wondering what purpose they might have in this existance?
Is there anyone else who realizes that simply caring about the person within, regardless of their exterior, can make the greatest changes possible in one's life?
I pray You will continue to open my eyes that I might reach others in a manner they have ne'er been touched afore, as Your light... and Your witness.
-
I am quite uncertain what exactly o'ertook me and caused me to make such a suggestion. Thinking back on it, the reasoning I gave was completely sound and makes perfect sense yet I simply cannot believe I suggested it.
I saw an old friend today… one that was much more than a friend many years ago. Twas wonderful to see them again and to know they are well. Much has changed in these lands though I find little change in this person aside from minor changes in their appearance, which is to be expected o'er time. We spoke for some time and the conversation turned to ill happenings in the lands. I have not truly been back long enough to know much about the happenings, though I know one thing... they need be stopped afore all in the lands are threatened by them.
During the conversation as suggestions and information were spoken, I stated something that surprised e'en me. I shant put my words here for obvious reasons though I doubt I shall e'er forget that moment either.
Has my devotion grown that much in my absence, e'en without my knowledge? I am not one to speak out without thought and indeed, twas well thought out... but was it truly my own thought?
She lets the quill lie on the page, glancing up towards the heavens questioningly
-
For so many years, twas a part of me. Something I was extremely proud of. Something I stood for. A people I protected in His name. Twas a source of both joy and pain at times yet twas treasured… so treasured... and though others did not agree, I saw the good. But I also saw the need.
What I have witnessed with my own eyes has brought great pain within me as well as a sense of loss. What I treasured so... what I gave so much of my life and time to... what I was so proud of... and believed in, has fallen. Tis no longer as it was and though it still stands, it stands entirely different, void of what I was so proud of in previous years.
I have asked Your direction and You send me this knowledge. Yes, I see clearly the closed door but in seeing it slamming shut, I also see doors opening all around me.
Help me to choose the right one to walk through...
-
I know not where to begin. Perhaps because it was touched me in a personal way, I know not how to put it into words on this blank page.
I have known many friends in my travels and each has offered different qualities in the relationship we shared. Some seem to have an uncanny ability to care without e'er knowing what the issue is. Such a friend is in trouble… not personally, though their family is being threatened, specifically the life of their child. Why is it evils always seem to target and wish to destroy such innocense?!
The last sentence has been rewritten o'er and again until she nearly wore a hole in the parchment
I feel hurt... deeply hurt for him. Unfortunately, with such a congretation in the commons whence I saw him again for the first time, there was little privacy to speak further on the matter. I was invited to stop by their home... which I did on the way to the Temple. The children are so lovely and in watching their slumber, I found tears filled my eyes that anyone or anything could be so cold and callous as to threaten them.
I have, of course, offered my aid in any manner I am able and of course, my friend has agreed... I do hope the offer is remembered if need be. Sometimes tis easy to forget one's resources whence something so personal is attacked.
Torm... please guard these children, the eldest inparticular. Allow me the wisdom to aid in the determination of how to cease this threat to such an innocent.