The Fall from Darkness
-
My test finally came, and I passed. I'm not truly sure if I was ready or not. I don't think all the mental preparation in the world could truly have prepared me for what I faced. Drelan and Mercy came with me, a silent guardian and a vulture waiting for me to fall. She speaks to me with a certain respect, but I don't doubt she would have enjoyed me failing. I'm glad to say I'll never know.
The Queen comes before all others, and her will is absolute. There is no bond that cannot be broken in her name, no life held sacred that her will cannot touch, and no love so true that it may stand against her. These were the lessons I was to be tested upon. They would cut me to the bone I knew, and I was right.
The first test hurt me the most I think, I guess because I've never really had to do it before. Before me stood Tiff, the little ten year old stowaway I had decided to give such dreams to. She looked at me with such bright eyes, so happy that I was there with her in that dark place. Her mommy the crew liked to joke with me, and I took a guilty pleasure in that. Now Tiff would pay the price for my guilty pleasure, for caring for her.
"Show her the will of Umberlee," I was commanded. Her eyes shining bright as she recognized me.
"Taria where are we? I was in the ferret then poof!" she said as she ran over to me, glad her protector was here.
"We're in Umberlee's realm" I answered, steeling myself, trying to push away any feeling I had for this girl. "Do you know why we're here?"
She shook her head, of course she couldn't know. She was innocent, that is why she was there. "I'm going to be a priestess again, but to do that I have to give up something very dear to me. Everything comes with a price." my eyes started to water then, it was torture to have to explain why I was going to kill her.
"like your armor?" she laughed and hugged me, oblivious to what was coming. Perfectly safe and content in my arms, I hugged her back. Maybe I shouldn't have.
"No Tiff…I mean your life. I have to kill you." I couldn't hold back the tears any longer as I pushed her to arms length.
I'll never forget her eyes, those perfect innocent eyes. She stared into mine not knowing a thing until my hands closed on her throat. Then she whimpered and struggled, her eyes staring sadly at the person who betrayed her.
"I love you, Taria," I knew she meant it, it still echoes in my ears, finds its way into my dreams.
I held her body close as the life faded out of her, snapping her fragile neck when she finally passed. I couldn't do this again, I would rather die than do this again, but I allowed myself a moment to hold my child close and to cry. I knew I was never fit to be a mother.
I felt hollow as I walked to the next test, the tears drying. There was no place for them in the trials to come. I knew what to expect, first I had taken something I hold dear and destroyed it along with a large part of my humanity. Now was the test to break my loyalties, to prove that the Queen comes first and foremost. The elemental struck with her watery body, Drelan gasping as the elemental sapped him of most of his strength.
"Kill him" she commanded. No other words were necessary.
Even unarmored and weaponless, he struggled valiantly, dodging more than a few of my blows in his weakened state before I could down him. My warhammer shattering his spine.
I know I should have felt pity, but I didn't. I was numb to it all, and just nodded my head, ready to move on. I had guessed what the final test would be, and I was right. The drowning, the most dreaded of the tests of Umberlee. Mine was special though, this time was different. For a priest just rising to favor, they are held under and the Queen tests them. For me, since I had failed the Queen once..I had to prove myself. I would hold my own self under until I died. One breath of air and forever would I be a faithless.
A circle of five priestesses stood around me, all of different races. To judge the faithless, to watch her fail, to watch her drown. I plunged my head into the water and held it there, moments ticking by as my lungs began to scream. My mind fought my body, my fingernails scratching at stone as I screamed into the water, my feet kicking at the floor; and then my lungs gave out, my body collapsing as the blackness overtook me.
I was dead. I had succeeded, but I was dead. Then before me stood my elemental guide. "You have passed I see, priestess." the last added after a long moment.
Without warning she swung her staff, the back of my neck burning as if a branding mark had been stuck to it. Indeed it had, for the symbol of Umberlee adorns my neck like the finest tattoo done by knife, forever marking me as once having walked among the faithless.
I was then returned to the land of the living, Drelan alive as well. I could feel the power coursing through me and knew I had succeeded. One by one the priestesses left, some offering words of praise, some nothing at all. I honestly couldn't hear them, my mind torn between grief and joy. We returned home and I checked the Ferret's kitchen only to find it empty. Tiff did not return as Drelan and myself did.
Drelan told me I can drink to drink, but drinking never takes the memory away. He's right I think, no matter how drunk I get I don't forget. Things don't suddenly get better. At night, no matter how many men lie in bed next to me, I still wake up whimpering from the same nightmare.
"I love you, Taria" ..... "I love you too, Tiff".
~Taria
-
My day of rebirth comes with the next moon cycle, that is what the Queen's servant told me. Drelan is to accompany me, a witness most likely. The one to tell the world that I failed, if I fail. There will be no body left behind, no corpse to bury, no funeral to be held. I find a strange comfort in that, honestly. Should I fail, it is as if I never truly existed, my life a lie. It's painful, it's scary, but it gives me the determination to not doubt myself.
Doubt is my enemy. Fear is my enemy. Compassion is my enemy. No one possesses the right to exist, and there is no excuse needed for why their existence can be taken from them. The Queen wills, I obey.
I'm steeling myself now, drawing on every barrier I could ever place around my heart. I must be as ruthless as the cold depths. No child is spared, no dear lover, no parents, no children, not the old, not the famous, all perish beneath the cold depths. That is the way of the Queen, and it is not human nature to be as cold as her heart. So her faithful face a task that would break many, we wound ourselves until we are as cold as the sea.
When I say wound, I do not mean physically, though that is a part of it. Pain is life, and to think otherwise is to delude ourselves. I've begun bleeding myself, cuts on my arms and legs, letting the blood flow out until my head swims and I can barely stand. I get no satisfaction from it, but I know that I must stand like that at some point. When there is no strength in my body, barely a breath in my lungs, and no hope at all in my heart, but I will not let that be the end of me. At that moment, I must be able to smile.
No, the wounds will be mental. The test for me, like for all her faithful, will be to find the part of me I most cling to. Find the act I cannot possibly force myself to do, and require them of me anyway. This act scars a person, so deep they do not dare harbor those feelings again. This is why so many of our faith are regarded as cold, as malicious, and can look on tragedy while feeling nothing. We were not born awful people, we chose this and only other priests can possibly understand what we give for our faith.
I managed to escape this test when I first became a priestess, fitting now that I must face it. Back then, I was an orphan and street rat turned whore without friends, without family, and only rage burning in my heart. I didn't care who was hurt, there was no one dear to me, there was nothing to take from me. My task was easy, I was tortured until I could feel no fear, until pain turned to pleasure. The lesson has faded, but some parts linger still. I still enjoy the pain from a hard fight, the wounds and bruises slowing my body, the exquisite agony. I feel myself dying, and it feels good. That is why I can look into the eyes of things I know should frighten me and taunt them. Antagonize them until they find their breaking point, and they hurt me, which I wanted all along.
This test will be different though. This test wont hurt me, this one will have me hurt someone I don't want to. Children most likely, Jack recognized that as my soft spot. It's true too, I know what it is like to be an orphan on the street. Always cold, always hungry, fearful of who will pick on you next and where you will go. It makes me feel good to protect these children I find, to give them hope. Maybe one day they can grow strong like me.
I could be wrong, it could be a friend the Queen asks me to murder. I wont hesitate, even if tears stream down my face as I do it. They will be guilty of nothing aside from befriending me and assuming they have the right to exist. Then the deed will be done, their blood will wash away the last bit of innocence left in this body, and there will be no more remorse. There will be no more questions as the years pass by, is something permissable, have I gone too far? None of those, because my humanity ends the moment the Queen's grace fills my mind, and existence becomes a privilege and not a right.
This is the price I pay for power, and this is the life I choose. May the whole world burn, because not one tear will fall from these eyes upon the flames. We all do what we must, and everything must have a price.
~Taria
-
The Queen has showed that she watches me again, that I am no longer so far beneath her sight. I was granted a vision, I was submerged beneath the waves and I felt my skin being ripped into by fish as the salt water rushed in against the fresh wounds. I battled a shark in my vision, but it veered away before I blacked out. When the vision ended, there was a large bite taken out of my left arm, around the bicep. A sign of the Queen, I'm forbidden from either healing or bandaging it. Only salt water can be used to cleanse it. Fitting.
Despite this great step forward, I find myself growing more and more tense on land. I want to fill this void in me so badly, but everything I yearn for is out of reach. Not an hour goes by that I do not reach out for the Queen, but it is far too much to hope that I should be answered more than sparingly. I want her favor and power again, more than anything, but that I will have to wait for possibly until I am ready to break. I can't drink alcohol still, that stings more than it should. I have no solace to take in my own mind, nothing to drown this anxiety in. Worse yet, I get pitying looks every time the crew breaks out a round of drinks and I'm stuck with water.
I still can't have sex with men. That makes the no drinking problem the worst. I can have sex with all the women I want, but I have no desire to be with women. So what do I do? I flirt, and I touch, and I even kissed a man the other day. Everything but what I want, and every one of them offers the same thing. They look for loopholes, they offer every act but putting it in me, and I have to turn down their every offer. I'm torturing myself with desire, are you happy Jack?
I don't know what Jack wants from me. She doesn't give me much direction anymore. She just stops to yell at me every so often. The other day it was for drugs, I had found my ropes end with sobriety. I had to do something, even be the test subject for the old drugs we had lying around. I didn't care. She came in high and mighty though, with a spell wiping every trace of the drug from my system and berating me for wasting my time. Tell me what to do then, I begged. Do what you're supposed to be doing more often she said, as if that answers everything. Queen's Wrath I hate her sometimes.
This anxiety is not doing me well. I almost can barely stand to be around my friends, these feelings are just bubbling within me so I can't control them. I'm starting to become jealous when I'm around Sabre, and the only reason I can come up with scares me. I'm miserable and she's happy, so I want her to be miserable so I'm not miserable alone.
I find myself jealous of Luke, he and I have made a game of flirting lately. I'm the forbidden fruit, it's not hard to wonder why he enjoys the game, but I feel such a rage when he's focused on someone else. It's not his fault, I have no real release for these feelings.There is no sex, there is no drinking, my last form of release is nearly taken from me too, violence. I don't possess the skills to bring about the wanton slaughter I so enjoy and crave. I measured myself, and I'm the worth of three kuo toa. A far cry from the murderer I once was. So the only release left to me is pain, the one thing they can't take away from me. I almost enjoy physical pain now, because no one takes that away from me. A smart word to Mercy and she'll grant it in a heartbeat. A smile to a kobold and he'll do his best. A sloppy punch to Drelan and he'll drop me to my knees. It is degrading, it hurts, but it is all I have. My mind simply can't take everything that swirls inside it without the physical releases I so desperately crave.
I welcome this war, I delight in the horror stories. The Divine Shield in jail, Jiyyd destroyed. Refugees starving and former heroes turned traitor. I don't care what happens, I hope more tragedies occur. I want to see assassinations, massacres. I yearn for brother to slay brother, for mothers to weep, for kings to hide, and for heroes to beg. Let the world feel the darkness, so that I wont be alone in misery.
~Taria
-
Things are looking up. I feel myself drawing closer to the Queen, I feel my mind flowing back into the person I was as a priestess. I feel the strength, I feel the apathy, I feel the power. Nothing will stop me from regaining favor, and I will throw it away for nothing. Thus is my destiny.
I'm becoming more at ease with the crew. I think everything will be fine. Mercy seems more tolerant of me, almost approving in some instances. She knows I wont be soft. Jack treats me more and more like an equal as time goes on. She still thinks of me as a student, which I find odd. I can't bring myself to think of her as a teacher, a mentor, a master. I think of her more..as a test. She will weigh and measure me, poke and prod me, drive me to the edge of oblivion to prove that I am truly a person worthy of the Queen's favor. When I think of her that way, I can respect her more.
Speaking of Jack, she got to glimpse one of my soft spots today. We found a girl, around age seven if I had to guess. Her name is Tiff and she was a stow-away on the Tinieblas. Apparently her father beats her mother, so she ran away. Not as bad as my childhood as an orphan in Calimport, but close enough to make me sympathetic. She begged me to let her stay with me, cleaning the ship. I see nothing wrong with it, let her start from the earliest stages and maybe she'll make the greatest sailor of us all.
Jack laughed aloud when she heard of this. I wanted to slap her for it. I don't really care what she thinks though, it isn't as if I delude myself into thinking I'm this child's mother. I don't even love the child, not sure I have the capacity to love. It's a soft spot, a sympathy. If Tiff decides she wants to go home to her parents, after she learns what I do and what her life will be if she stays, I'll take her home without a second thought. If the Queen demands her as sacrifice. I will pity her, I may even cry, but she wont be spared.
More and more I'm wondering what the final step of my atonement will be. It will be terrible, it will wound me to the core, and I will have to hurt someone I care for. That is all I know but I feel it in my heart. It scares me already, I wake at night in a sweat trying to remember which of my friends I had just held underwater in my dreams. What scares me more is I know fear wont stop me. I will do what I must for power. Nothing will stop me.
-
So help me I'll kill that woman when all of this is finished! I am not her dog to treat like this, to be poked and prodded just to make me growl at her. That's why she's doing it, she wants to make me uncomfortable. If she thinks I'll break then she's dead wrong.
I'll do anything to win back Umberlee's favor. Those are the words I said and I meant them, I just didn't know I'd put a leash around my neck. Until I get my power back, I'm effectively her pet. I have to come when she calls, fetch what she points at, even carry her backpack. If I do something wrong I get to be scolded, and she likes to lecture. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't. She gets angry when I challenge her, tell her she's wrong. I admit I take a guilty pleasure in pushing her buttons, I'll not be broken by her afterall even if I must submit.
That brings me to seemingly her favorite thing to do, force me to give up things. To sit on the side while everyone else enjoys something. On our trip to the ogre caves, I was the only one who couldn't receive healing. So naturally every bear and ogre wanted to take a crack at me. A lot of them hit too. My body is going to look like a chewtoy until it finishes healing. Didn't see her up there going toe to toe with anything.
Oh! The latest denial of pleasure really makes me want to rip her eyelids off! She has explicitly forbidden me from men and alcohol. So what if I got a little too drunk before the trip to the kobold caves? That's no reason to make me give it up. No sex!? I can't even fathom a reason for denying me this besides she wants to make me suffer. I was chaste once though..and it didn't kill me even if it felt like I was going to die.
I know why she's doing this. She wants to push me to my limit and break me. Then she can smile all sweetly and say she knew I couldn't make it. Well I'll show her, and when all of this is done I'll be the one smiling sweetly while I wrap my hands around her throat and watch her face turn blue.
~Taria
-
I've returned to these frozen lands and all is wrong. It's hard to realize you've been chasing after an ideal for so long only realize it was nothing more than fog on the water. A dream you can never find. Unfortunately, that is what Isis is to me. So long it has taken to realize this, but I cannot doubt that it is true.
The proof is quite clear, I feel like I did as a priestess. The troubles of the world are melting away and I find myself caring less and less. People can rot and die for all I care, it is not my duty to protect people who take everything for granted. I find myself lusting for power again, to feel the spray of sea salt in my face, to feel the terror of men before I crack open their heads. I miss the Queen.
From what little I've seen already, it seems the crew needs a true priestess. Mercy is as she always will be be, a servant of the Queen to the bitter end but hardly a friend to any living person. There is a new priestess, "Jack", and I'm not sure what to think of her yet. She tries to be calm and keep an aura of maliciousness about her. Haven't seen her do anything to make me scared yet though.
The rest of the crew looks in equally bad shape. Pavel broods too much for my liking, from what I see. Sabre's found some new little puppy boytoy to follow her around, really don't like him. Want to carve out his throat, honestly. Even Drelan seems like he doesn't care anymore, most of the crew seeming to follow Sabre now rather than him.
I suppose Mercy's the one to thank for my epiphany, so many dark feelings stirred inside me at the sight of her that I can't help but find that Isis is certainly not the true path for me. I can taste the salty sea spray already. My Queen, your priestess returns soon.
~Taria
-
So I'm back, after a long trip. Nearly a year has passed, a good thing maybe. I needed time away from this land, time with just myself and away from what I used to be. Time to discover if I could be a normal person. The answer sadly is I can't.
My year away was spent at a farm to the south, I'm not really sure where. I didn't bother to ask where exactly I was and to be frank I didn't care. Why was I there? After all, a farm is the last place anyone would expect to find me, though I know one person that watches farms. Isis, one of the duties of her priests is to bless the crops of farmers. I am not a priest, so I can not bless anything, but I could learn to farm. Perhaps that would be the direction my life would take me, maybe I would even be happy.
I was wrong, farming will never satisfy me. I've seen too many things of the world to not grow restless. nonetheless I tried my best and I feel I learned a lot. I helped plant the crops, I tended to them, I harvested them, and even learned to tend livestock. Of course, that is not to say I didn't have fun as well. I remember one adventure where I humped one of the other farmhands nearly into a coma after we had all been drinking, though maybe the fall off the hayloft had something to do with that.
A year off, but now I'm back. Am I a changed person, I very much doubt it; however, I like to think that year let me put some distance between who I am and what I was. I think I'm more ready to handle the life I've chosen for myself now.
I have to confess, the thing that worried me most over this year was Fayde. I only hope the person she chose as her surrogate father can care for her better than I would have. Isis is Mother of All, but not all of us are ready for motherhood. I think that now I am, I only hope I still have the opportunity to find out.
As a final gesture, I decided to mark myself in two ways. The cresting waves of black and gold on my arms have been scarred over. A hot, jagged piece of metal served well enough to mark through it, though I couldn't completely cover them. Maybe that is for the best though, I can never grow over my past if I try to hide from it in shame. The second mark was a new tattoo, a heron on my chest. Micah told me the story of the heron that blessed his family, I only hope one can find and bless me one day.
~Taria
-
Today I felt it for the first time in weeks, maybe even months. The rage, the anger, it all surged within me from some deep dark place I had hoped to forget about. Why? All because of a poor little elf girl. It almost overwhelmed me completely. What does it even mean anyways? Good people are not supposed to react with the wrath of the damned, but what does it mean when the wrath rises within me because of good reasons? It's so confusing, I don't even know if I've made any progress yet or not.
The story, the reason, poor Fayde. She's a bright spot in the world, she truly is. A wonderful little elf of such purity and naivity. Imagine my surprise then when she walks up and her skin is covered with scars carved into intricate runemarks! Calm down I say to myself, maybe it's some custom of her homeland like tattoos. I don't know what the runes say anyways. Bugbears did it she said. That's when I started losing it.
Someone had let that sweet little elf go into the bugbear lands and she had payed for it. They had gotten their filthy paws on her and now she was to bear the burden for undoubtedly someone's stupid idea. She has a habit of following people, I know this..I tried to remain calm. I just wish I had done a better job of it, I didn't want to scare her again like at the bath house.
A cruel ritual, C'tan told me, the markings were meant to raise her up as undead if she died. I'm glad she didn't, and the Kelemvorite priest was able to remove the magic from the runes. Still, the scars remained. Traditional healing wasn't working, that much was obvious. The only true method I know involves basically flaying the skin from the person and regenerating it, I certainly couldn't put her through that.
I kind of scared myself honestly, I hardly felt in control of myself. I was worried, I only wanted the best for her, but the rage.. I snapped at poor Goodman, he meant the best really but just wouldn't take the hint. Kept trying to examine the runes, he knew it meant something, but I didn't want the whole town poking and prodding her like some golem with a note pinned to it. Grak tried to touch her, I think with the coldest voice I've used in months I told him he'd lose the hand if he tried. It scared him, he didn't talk back or call me female or anything. In fact, he left town quickly. I'm glad I still scare him, though the things I've done to inspire such a feeling in him are most certainly among the things I'm atoning for now.
As much as I hate them, I think the Sunites are the only ones who can restore Fayde to her normal look. I'll swallow my pride for her sake, pride will never be worth more than purity. I will admit there is a large part of me that feels cheated. If I had my clerical powers still, I could probably fix her. I don't know how exactly, but I could find a way. I could do so much really, but here I am stuck watching the world pass by. It eats away at my very soul I feel, being powerless. Though I am not powerless really, just nothing more special than any other mere mortal with the training to kill.
Why do I even care about Fayde? Why should her mistreatment cause the darkness in me to well up? This wasn't happening to me, she hardly even seemed to care. Rather than sit and mope or cry, she just hugged me and showed her paper where she's learned to write the alphabet. Why do I care then? Personal reasons I guess, maybe because I don't want to see another soul corrupted? No, not really. I'm not that caring of a person, I try, but I don't give a damn about some random stranger.
I think it's because she reminds me of a dark time in my life. When my mother was alive, I was very young still, I acted like she did. The world around me was as awful as it has ever been, but my mother was a shield. Even those living in poverty can have happy times every now and again, and she was a truly good person. It wasn't until after her death, murdered by some scumbag for reasons I'll never truly know, that my life truly turned for the worst. Without my mother to protect me, I was just a lost orphan to the ravages of an uncaring world. No one else took me under their wing, I had to fend for myself. I was no good at it, not at first, I was taken advantage upon and nearly always bore bruises and scrapes after the few times I would try to stand up for myself.
I guess..I just don't want to see the same thing happen to her. She's too cheerful and happy to find a path like I did. I don't want to see her purity be lost and her mind be reduced to a cynical husk filled with rage. Maybe it's love of my mother driving me to protect someone who can't really do it for themselves. It could even be spite towards the world that it wont be able to corrupt another soul and fill her with malice and misery. Is this my atonement, I'm not sure, all I know is anything that threatens her will face me and I promise to show no mercy.
~Taria
-
The past few days seem like a dream, too good to be real even. I feel so different from my old self, something truly has changed in my I believe. First and foremost, I got to sail again even if no water touched the ship I was on. Captain Beeter treated me as one of his crew, letting me man the crows nest, something to which I'm very grateful to him for. Even more important than that though is where we landed.
A land called Yalaira, a kingdom cast down and enslaved by gremlins of all things. Hordes and hordes of them, subjugating the people and making a muck of all that existed in that kingdom. Surprisingly, the paladin Kara and I got along rather well, she seemed rather proud actually when I aided her in giving the dead slaves their last rites and burials.
We were knighted, I was knighted, something I certainly thought would never happen in my lifetime. Something I'm sure Prince Teran would have reconsidered if he could have looked into my heart, or if even he had known he was knighting a pirate. No one spoke up though, and I received my knighthood with dignity. Certainly a measure of pride that will go unparalleled for the remainder of my life. Every fiber of my being cried out when he was presenting it. "No! I'm not worthy! You cheapen everything your Order stands for! I'm evil, I'm vicious, I'm tainted!" but I said not a word and quietly asked my reward. After all, a king's ransom was turned down for this honor, and I have never been greedy.
Finally, there is a new friend I have made. An elf girl named Fayde, hardly more than a girl and one of the purest souls I've ever encountered. She speaks little more than a few words of common, and I do not know her language, but she has decided we are friends. I suppose we are, in honesty. I know I wont let a thing happen to this girl that I can possibly prevent. My cold heart beats every time she hugs me and says, "friend!" knowing few other words to express herself.
I scared her once though, and she caught a glimpse of the true side of me. The real side, the scary side. We were in Peltarch, I had been showing her around, getting her tattered clothes fixed or replaced, and both of us needed baths. I took her to the bath house there, something she seemed to enjoy. We played and splashed in between getting washed up. All was well really until I went under to rinse my hair and still playing she held me under the water. In that instant though, every dark fear welled within my mind. Someone was drowning me! I fought back and struggled to the surface, gulping down air and looking for the attacker, ready to kill with bare hands..I found only the frightened young elf, backing away from me with confusion and fear in her eyes at my sudden change. I hadn't meant to scare her, it was a primal reaction born of fear, not something meant for her. I was embarrassed, but she forgave me. Friend I said and hugged her, then slowly she did the same, falling asleep against me in the bath as she did.
I'm not entirely sure what the feeling was I felt that moment. Two naked women in the bath, warm waters surrounding us, her head resting against my chest, looking content and sleeping. I was content too, I think it's the feeling a mother gets when holding onto a precious child. I don't know, I've never had a child nor even really remember a mother's comforting embrace. They are little more than fairy tales and shadowy memories to be half remembered in the darkness. All I know is it felt nice.
My faith to Isis has come further. My fear is slowly fading in the face of my new faith. She will watch me I feel, though I doubt she claims me as one of her own yet. I don't blame her, I have much to learn still. She is a goddess of fertility, I am hardly suited to be a mother even if I were not barren. Farmers pray to her for planting and harvesting, I have never been so lost as when Elena of the Guardians was helping me to understand what was going on when replanting the herb garden Captain Beeter's ship destroyed. Caring for the dead is important, I can do that, but it is far from a practice I am accustomed to. As in all things, I can only try and to get better as time passes on. I am doing that, but it is a long slow road. A tainted heart does not change over time, nor do I expect it to; however, I feel more of a person now than ever, no longer limitted to "Taria, the fallen priestess of Umberlee".
~Taria
-
I don't know whether to laugh or weep, but both will be with joy. Finally, after all this searching, I've found the one who will save my soul. Micah Shilion, the Mulhorandhi priest of Isis. I don't know why I didn't think of him before. Perhaps because I'd only ever talked to him a few times, but each of those times it was if speaking with a father I never had. He is wise, caring, and it's as if he understands everything I've been going through.
Isis, I admit I don't know much of her aside from what Micah has told me. The Mistress of Water and the Mother of All. The wife of Osiris, the judge of the dead for Mulhorand. The mother of Horus-Re, the sun god and miracle worker. Isis is a healer by most accounts, and a forgiving goddess that asks only that you put your faith in her. No demanding convictions or "atonements" that look more like a trial of pride.
My repentance will be faith. I put my faith in her and she will guide me away from what I once was, not because it was wrong but because she wants the best of me. What if I fail then, what if my wicked heart cannot be purged clean? I've thought of this, it could very well be true. All of my fears were calmed with one story though, which in of itself is amazing.
According to Micah, when a person dies, their soul is judged by Osiris. Their heart is placed on a scale with a feather on the other side. If the heart is heavier than a feather, they must face repentance until their heart is no longer burdened. Not damnation for the wicked, repentance until all can be forgiven. No matter how tainted my soul then, I can find a happy afterlife. The same afterlife as a pure soul like Micah.
It's rather funny actually, I had just told Elyl the other day that if I ever found a truly good soul, I would ask him his faith and convert. Ironic I had known the man all along, but forgotten him. So, from this day forth I shall try to follow the tenets of Isis. True faith will come in time I hope, but for now, having something to believe in, to strive for will help fill this empty hole in my being. Micah will make sure of it. The father I never had.
~Taria
-
I'm so tired of being an outcast. It seems everywhere I go I'm either ignored or I talk through a script. Umberlite scum they say, I'm no longer a priestess I reply, then they try to talk down to me. Find a new god, do they know what faith is? I hope you find goodness, is goodness something to be found? You're still tainted.
I'm not really sure what I'm expected to do. Once people have done their mandatory dialogue, they seem quite content to ignore my presence as if I will disappear. I've taken to sitting on the rise which overlooks the old Norwick gates and the lake, it reminds me of myself honestly. Once a place of importance and power, now crumbled and ruined. Something to pass by and ignore.
I finally said it today. I looked at my broken symbol, the myriads of cracks spiderwebbing through it and whispered the words so long held back. "I hate you." No words could follow that, hate needs no explanation. Following that, for the first time in nearly a decade, I cried. I wept like a small child.
I'm tired of living this way, I want my power back. I want to be a priestess again. I can't live again as some dirty and poor commoner. I want power again, but I don't want to go back to Umberlee. I don't want to go to a power like her. I want my power to have meaning, not power for powers sake like some insane mage. I am not at the reins of my own destiny though, and more and more I wonder why I even still live.
My time is running short, the sands are falling in the hour glass, the tide rising, the storm brewing. I'm still here, but sitting idle does nothing while I waste everything. I will have power again or I will be dead. There is no compromise in this, only one can be true. My fear is growing stronger day by day, that the only way I'll have power again..is to claim it by blood, death and terror.
-
I'm so scared now. I'm hiding it as best as I can, but I'm going to die if someone can't protect me. I can't sleep unless my body physically exhausts itself, and even then I jerk awake with a scream or a knife after a few hours. Even baths scare me now, I don't want to die.
In the woods near the druid glenn, I nearly lost everything. There was a water elemental, I don't know who called it..but it came after me. The fear almost overwhelmed me, almost let it kill me, but I have seen too many die from elementals. Quite a few I personally directed, I wouldn't let it kill me. I didn't die.
For now, I've asked Jerrick to protect me. It is my hope that the druids can help me, as they are already predisposed to opposing the Queen. I just hope they can win if she comes for me. I also hope the other druids will help, rather than ridicule me and cast my fate to the winds.
I've been told by any number of people now that I need to find a new patron. I know I definately want to, the thought of Umberlee claiming my soul is too awful to entertain, but just changing to believe something new isn't easy. I was a priestess not by accident after all, but rather because that was what I truly believed. In many ways, my fall hasn't changed that.
I guess there are only two gods that really seem to call out to me. Silvanus and Shaundakul. Shaundakul, the god of winds and explorers, seems the natural change from Umberlee, though I can't say i've met more than a handful of his followers. In fact, I know very little about the god and could be completely wrong.
Silvanus then, I'm not sure about. He could stop Umberlee and protect me, I have no doubt about this unlike with a goddess like Mielikki. I also know I could certainly respect him, and find a place I would be happy with. The problem then? He is just so different than anything I have known before. He is the god of forests and wild nature, I grew up in cities, in a desert, on the sea. For so much of my life my only purpose was to destroy, it would be odd to care about protecting and nurturing.
I don't really know how to convince either of these gods to help me, I don't even know if they would care remotely for me. I do know I need help, or I'll die of exhaustion if nothing actually kills me. I'm too tired and scared to keep running.
~Taria
-
It finally happened, the Queen left me. It was so sudden and without warning, like an assassin's knife to my throat. My soul detached from my body at that moment, and I watched my body get torn to shreds.
It was all so simple, falling. There were no flashing lights, no smoke billowing from me, not even pain. The pain had come before, the nausea that rose in my stomach whenever I used her gifts to heal. The fatigue I felt whenever I used too many too quickly. I was still her servant then, I had only to be wise and favor could be regained. A pity then wisdom and planning for the future were never my strong points.
I was with Locrian, a simple trip along the Icelace to pester the bears and fishbirds there. I'm not sure exactly why he wanted to go, but who was I to argue? It isn't like I hadn't dragged Sabre and Pavel there numerous times. So I went, I cast my blessings and we prepared to give the fury of the Queen to the beasts. To their credit, they hurt, a few wounds going rather deep. It was nothing I couldn't heal however.
We found two more to fight, a bear and a penguin, or rather we found the bear and the penguin found us, or was it two bears? I forget the details, but regardless it looked to be a difficult fight. The penguin lunged in at me but I paid it no mind, my protections would stop it. They didn't, the penguin struck through them as if they didn't even exist. The bear needed no more encouragement as I was distracted. It roughly bowled me over with it's sheer size, its jaw finding my shocked throat.
A scream followed, my own? Blood dripped, I could hear it. Gurgling, a sickening sound, poetic that it would be the last thing I hear. Then only blackness.
-
The Fury of the Queen, it is truly an awesome and powerful force. Some doubt because they have never seen it, some doubt because they wish it never existed, I hold no doubts. For years, it coursed through my very veins, like a drug I could not come down from.
Power, changes people. Fear melted away to confidence, even arrogance. I could not be killed, not truly. I could smile into the fiercest of foe, laugh at the most vicious of wounds. I came to enjoy pain, I enjoyed it because it meant nothing. The pain I felt was only a small indication of the agony and terror my victims felt.
With power, I had no want of anything. Gold I cared nothing about, I could always get more. Friends? I have friends, but I felt no need to build some social network because I needed no one. With the fury pumping through my heart, I was invincible.
How strange it is now to feel so empty. Like a man who has suffered only a casual wound, but knows he will bleed out regardless. I have power still, but it diminishes with each time. It takes more bodies, more souls, more blood, more gold, every time for the Queen to grant me her fury again. Like a junky, I need it. I can't live without it. Ironic that I will die if I try, the Queen will be sure of that.
This is what faith is, for me at least. I tried to explain it to Sabre and Rilia, but I'm not sure either really understood. Rilia is convinced I'll be fine even if I had no powers. I don't like to think of myself as so horribly mutilated as that. Sabre is a dear friend, my closest actually. I don't want her to be caught in the crossfire when this ends, because either way my life turns from this point will be littered with bodies. All that is left is to see which one ends with my own.
~Taria