Nicahh - The Scattered Pages
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_“For my favorite girl.” Aelhaearn said as he handed a small sprig of blue and white flowers with yellow centers to his daughter with a wink. He had made sure to tie them with a thin pink ribbon because he knew she would quickly request they be put in her hair. Malani smiled up at him with whole hearted joy as she accepted the flowers from her father, hugged his legs and then promptly bounced over to her mother. She was all girl and an absolutely beautiful girl at that, Nicahh observed. Even the way she skipped over to her mother seemed like a dance in itself that she could not pull her eyes away from. Malani had always preferred the more delicate things in life which included wearing some variety of pink every day and never passing up the opportunity to wear flowers in her hair.
“Momma?” she said in elvish as she handed her the flowers and a pink ribbon.
“Hmm?” Nicahh replied, her fingers running along the length of the ribbon as she worked on unwrapping it. Malani then proceeded to tell her mother of how she wanted her hair tied up in the ribbon, of how many flowers she wanted to wear in her hair, and of when she was big like her mother, she would marry a man that brought her flowers to wear in her hair everyday. Nicahh smiled as she hugged the child against her breast and leaned forward to kiss her cheek. Malani seemed so delicate in comparison to her brothers. Even her younger brother Olwydd was more rough and tumble than her. Just a few feet away he was sword fighting with sticks with their oldest child Iolyn who fought gently with his baby brother. As if Malani or Olwydd needed any other protectors outside their parents, Iolyn had taken upon the roll as big brother as a duty he was proud to serve. After every hunt with his father, he came home to impart the knowledge of what he had learned with his siblings. While Malani was too flighty to pay attention, Olwydd sat listening as if mesmerized.
Life had become so sweet for the Gynogfryn family. And like most mothers, Nicahh thought her children exceptional and perfect._
It has been another perfect day with my family. We went and had a nice little picnic by the Icelake this afternoon allowing the kids to frolic and play. Saha’ria came with us despite the fact that we told her she was free to roam the city. She is a wonderful nanny and thinks of our children as her own. She refused to pass up the opportunity to spend a day by the lake with them and to see the wonder in their eyes as they explored yet another new area. I love her deeply for her gentle heart and her affection for my children. She reminds me of Nyda in that respect, though I think Saha’ria is not battling the demons Nyda did.
I wonder where Nyda is. I wonder where a lot of my Sisters are. I actually just wonder where most of the people from my past have gotten to. Are they still alive, are they doing well, or what heroic deeds have they accomplished since last our paths crossed?
I even thought of Corde today. Malani had brought me flowers and ribbons to go in her hair, and I can not see a girl with her hair tied back in pink ribbons without thinking of him and his sister. The Eastlanders had murdered his mother and sister, and his first evidence of them being gone was him finding her pink ribbons upon a road to Norwick. She always wore them, he said. He could have grown up to be such a different man had that not happened to him. Maybe Shar would not have tainted his heart had he not experienced such grief. I always felt so sad and yet connected to him. I knew his heart had turned black, and yet I kept hoping he would change. I kept looking for a crack in the darkness so that I could hopefully show him some light.
It just never happened.
And every time I think of him and his situation, I worry for myself. What if something happened to my husband or my children? My grief would be so great I’m not sure I would be able to recover. And if I did, would I be half a person, or would I seek revenge? Would I let a god like Shar into my life? I hate that I can not say for certain. I know Aelhaearn would be there if possible, but I worry that in our grief we would not cling to each other tight enough and all the wonderful things we have experienced in life would fall apart.
While I am so much happier in life than I have ever been, I am still not as confident in myself as I know I should be.
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_“Mom?” A soft voice whispered.
“Hmm?” The red head said, not looking back as she softly squeezed her youngest son's hand. Ahead of them a couple of goblins gathered around a fire, the stench of rotting meat, their dinner, filling the air around them.
“I'm hungry.” The young boy whispered, him resting his head on her hip then.
Nicahh paused looking down at him. He seemed so much like his father. “Son…” she said gently, though a hint of disbelief played in her voice as she knelt down in front to him. “When we told your father we were going to scout ahead, I didn't mean for dinner. I meant...to keep an eye out for such beasts so the rest of our family could travel safely through here.” She said motioning with her head towards the goblins. “I know... in Evermeet we scouted for berries, and you and your father did all the hunting. This is the same, but you are doing it with Mommy instead and.... well I'm not giving you a bow. You are just watching, learning.”
The young boy looked up at her skeptically. “You hunt?”
“I do.”
“But...” He stopped.
“But?”
“Did Daddy teach you to hunt?”
“No, he did not. Believe it or not, I was hunting before I met your father.”
“Rabbits and deer, right? Not real hunts like Daddy does.”
She paused, her lips taking on a twitch that she seemed to have developed from the many years of having been the wife of Aelhaearn. In that moment she heard Ael laughing, his laughter as clear as if he was standing beside her. He was always in her head. When she would later re-tell the story of their son's comment, he would merely smile because he seemed to already have heard it. Not that she could complain, for she seemed to feel his joys and pains just as much. Love had bonded them in ways she could not explain. No formal ceremony could have been as bonding as time had been for them.
Taking a deep breath in, she let go of her son's hand. “I want you to stay right here. Do not move, do not make a noise unless I direct you to. Understand?”
The boy nodded.
“I am going to make sure there are no other creatures lurking. Once I am for certain, and I feel the clearing is safe, I will call you out. If I tell you to run, you remember the way back to the trail we were on?”
Again, he nodded.
“Your father is no more than an hour behind us. You run and you do not stop until you find him. Though...” She said with a little smile and wink. “There will be no reason for you to run.”
Again the young boy looked up at her unsure of what to think of his mother as being a “hunter”.
Leaning over, she pressed her lips to his. “I love you, Iolyn.” She whispered in elvish before rising. Pushing her crimson cloak back she near silently unsheathed two kamas and made her first step towards the unsuspecting goblins.
Iolyn cocked his head in confusion. Only farmers used kamas and she had said they were not out to find dinner.
In mere seconds a boy's life was changed. The woman who had so gently held him when he cried, who sang songs to him day and night, and never raised her voice except in a playful tiff with his father now stood before him, her kamas dripping with blood as the gurgling sounds of the dying goblins echoed in his ears.
“You know they are evil and had to be dealt with.” She said as she pulled a cloth from her pack and wiped the blood from her blades. “We will wait here for your father and your brother and sister to arrive. It should be soon. Until then....I want to show you something.”
Hand and hand they walked to the top of the ridge in silence. They had been on the road for many weeks now and the entire family was growing tired of traveling despite all they had seen along the way...Soon their journey would be over. Lifting a thin pale hand, Nicahh motioned before them. “Iolyn...” She whispered. “Just over there... is the land of Narfell. Our destination...and my home.”_
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_"I am not a bard." She said, gently touching her sore throat. "I can not keep singing the sun up and down, and the gods forbid another person pass on in the tribe. I do not have the voice, or strength of character to sing the death lays again. Know them by heart I do, but the weight they bring is like that of my own impending death. And with them comes nightmares and fragmented visions of the past of things I know I did not see, but feel as if I stood watching them and could do nothing to change the passing of time."
Standing by the door morning and night, Nyda would hand her a cup of tea, then softly whispered a prayer to Selune to heal her broken Sisters voice and to grant her peace throughout her days and nights. In her dreams young men battled, them bloody and wounded but still fighting, silently begging for their creator to let them die with honor. Their prayers she heard. Some seemed so earnest, so sincere and sweet, while others were blood thirsty and greeding and just seeking death for themselves and everything around them. It was those that startled her out of sleep and forced her young husband to wrap his arms around his teary eyed wife. Aelhaearn would softly whisper in his musical elven voice that she was fine and Jerr would be home soon enough.
Jerr also invaded her dreams, his silvery hair shining softly. His gentle old face twisting into that playful lecherous look he constantly wore when a pretty lass passed. And in her dreams, she remembered his hands. They seemed impossibly large as they rested on her shoulder. They seemed way to young looking for a man his age, though they were hands of a working man. Then, the dream changed. What once was bright, and warm and loving, darkened. The hand upon her shoulder withered. The flesh seemed to melt away leaving only the meat beneath it. A scent invaded her dream. The scent of flesh burning, cooking, melting away. And this dream, she could not break away from. The old man she loved so dear stood before her a blooded corpse stripped of flesh. She could neither run, nor hide, nor close her eyes in her dream. She stood there, her eyes locked on his dead eyes, them open wide in shock and pain. Despair washed over her and when her heart was sure to stop, when all life was drained from her the dream released her and the peacefully quite house of the Sisterhood was invaded with the sobbing of their Sister upstairs.
Aelhaearn did what he could to sooth her, as did any Sister that woke in the night to hear such. Her bedroom became a place of mourning over the passionate den it had been since Aelhaearn had moved in. Sleeping came less and less in the room as the young half elven woman paced back and forth, her body weak, her body withering, the smelling of burning flesh always in her nostrils.
–------------------------------------------
During these days, no journal entry was made. Torn from her journal a piece of parchment was tacked to the kitchen wall. For those sisters that knew of Jerr's disappearance, the request hardly seemed out of place._
Please refrain from the cooking of meat within the house.
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_Nicahh stood staring out over the Coldstone mountains. The sun had set and the night was still fairly early despite the fact that she felt like she had been standing in the same spot for hours upon hours. A cool wind blew from the mountains, it gentle and causing the leaves to softly rustle, while around her she heard the stirring of the night creatures as the pads of their feet shuffled over the earth. As she squinted into the darkness a small wolf passed before her, him stopping to look at her briefly, his green eyes shimmering by the moonlight. Nicahh blinked and the wolf was gone. "Green eyes" she whispered to herself.
Without further thought, she turned her back to the vision and walked over to the cliff's edge. This is where she would say her vows to Aelhaearn. In this spot she would vow herself to love one man for the rest of her short life. That is, in comparison to Aelhearn's life span. The thought of her growing old, and him still a young man brought so much pain to her she could hardly bare it at times. Then there were the thoughts of them creating a family together, only to watch his children age and pass on well before him. "I am a selfish woman…" She whispered into the night.
Suddenly, over her shoulder a light caught her eye. Back towards Jiyyd, perhaps even further, seeming to be near to Norwick, a light seemed to shimmer from the sky, as if day had dawned in the land of Narfell. The sky around it showed its pure blue like it was noon on a cloudless day. She stood, watching the light for the few moments that it lasted, blinking slowly. It was time to get home. Perhaps the war between the demons and devils had began. Perhaps that light, was the beckon for the celestials that were suppose to come join in on the battles. She would need to be prepared to guard her children. Gathering her pack, she slung it over her shoulder and started making her way towards the odd little fence and gate that blocked off the ridge top.
" <e>You've always been selfish...." She heard coming from the woods edge. "You've always done what was best for Nicahh. Why change now?"
Green eyes flickered from the darkness, the moon catching them for just a moment. "You -were- my best student..." the elven man continued, his stressing of the past tense of the word echoing around them. "But I will not fault you for finding happiness. Though let me remind you....The world is a harsh and unforgiving place, with uncompromising demands on those who would forge their own path. Rely not on others for protection, for betrayal comes easily..."</e>_
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No wedding. All the plans, for nothing. All the hope, in vain. Aelhaearn says to leave it to him, he will plan one for us later. I just can't do it. I'm tired. The pattern is the same as with half a dozen men that proposed before. There is always something, some reason to be somewhere else, for it just not to happen. Previously, I had been thankful for those reasons. This time, I just feel broken.
Somethings, were just not meant to be.
Jerr had mocked us, saying a strike in Narfell, a fight between demons and celestials was to happen the next quarter moon, asked when the wedding was to be, then danced off laughing. It's really, not that funny. Aelhaearn laughed, said we would ask Krig to marry us, he believed he could do the rituals mid battle and do a damn good job at it. Wouldn't Maya be happy, a marriage bathed in blood, she'd not have to wear a dress, and her boquet would be her axe. I'm really, not seeing the humor in this–-
_Drelan's son, Corwin, toddled into the room, his hands pressed flatly to his ears, then lifted himself to crawl up in Nicahh's bed. Little tears ran down his cheeks, them flushed with frustration.
"Nic, they won't stop crying…can't sleep." He whimpered, burying his face into her chest, his hands going back up to his ears trying to cover them desperately. As miserable as she felt about the wedding, she could only chuckle softly watching the toddler so frustrated with the six babies that had recently moved into the Sisterhood.
"I know, baby. I can't sleep either." Nicahh whispered to him, kissing the top of his hand that covered his ear. "How about we go sleep in the garden? Should be quiet there."
Corwin looked up at her unsure, as if sleeping among the trees and flowers was such a strange idea.
"I'll assume your father has not taken you camping yet...well, there has to be a first time for everything." She said, lifting him in arms, while her free hand grabbed a pillow and a thick fur cloak. The cloak was a gift from Maya. It had belonged to Adam, who had long passed away. Now it rested at the foot of Nicahh and Aelhaearn's bed, of which Nicahh used it like a blanket to wrap herself in. The screaming of the infants grew louder as they walked down the stairs, Nicahh peeking inside the infant room to see Nyda laying one baby down, before moving on to the next one. "Need help?" Nicahh asked, as Nyda turned, the smallest of the baby boys in her arms now.
"No Sister, the rest are sleeping now, just one left to settle." Nyda whispered as she carried the boy over to the rocking chair.
"Corwin and I will be in the garden, if you need us."
Nyda merely smiled a knowing smile, then nodded.
"What?"
"Nothing, Sister. Enjoy your sleep." She said, still smiling as if she knew something Nicahh did not.
Nicahh turned, looking down the hall as the scream that had echoed seemed to be dying down. Corwin still clung to her, him tired and grumbly, still wanting desperately to sleep. As she opened the door leading to the inner garden in the Sisterhood, she heard the familar giggles of a group of little girls. In the garden, every child of the Sisterhood lay, curled up on the stacks of pillows, dozens of little blankets wrapped about them.
"We were wondering when you would get here!" One little girl giggled. "You can't sleep in your room with all those babies screaming!"
Nicahh merely chuckled, then placed Corwing flat upon his feet, handing the fur cloak to him. "Find us a spot to sleep in." She said, looking around at all the little faces, some sleeping, some wide awake. He, being a child of Drelan, toddled straight into the center of a group of girls, a couple of them being his age, the rest older. He gave a little grin back to Nicahh, then flopped down in the center, waving her over.
Stepping over little bodies, she made her way to the center of the circle, then laid down, spooning the young boy she had promised Drelan she would always protect. He snuggled up in her arms, then rolled over, resting his head on her chest. She could only roll her eyes and shake her head watching this young Drelan.
"Miss Nicahh?" One of the girls whispered, scooting closer. "Do I still get to be a flower girl in your wedding, you promised I could."
"Oh, I don't know dear... I don't know when it will be..."
"But... you promised... I... Daddy Jerr got me a dress made and everything."
"I know.. but..."
The child's look stopped her. Silence filled the air in the garden as Nicahh felt a dozen kids slightly stir, little ears perked, listening. Jerr had made the kids more excited about the wedding as Nicahh had been. Dancing lessons had been taken, classes in proper manners had been given, and the whole house had worked on a present for the woman who had built the home they all dwelled in.
"Of course you can." Was all Nicahh said before the buzzing of the rest of the girls started, them all telling her about what they wanted when they grew up and got married. Corwin looked up at Nicahh as the noise in the garden seemed to grow with the chatter of little girls.
"I go back to bed, baby not loud as girls." He said, standing up and taking the fur blanket and every other boy in the house with him._
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Nicahh ran her hand down Aelhaearn's smooth back. Unlike her flesh, the skin on his back was not covered in scars. His skin was so warm and soft, silky beneath her fingertips and smelled softly of lavendar soap that she had stocked in the bath hall. He was not sleeping as she touched him, just laying there. She could not tell if his eyes were opened or closed as most days he rested on his left side facing away from her. The critical wound on his right side had healed fairly well, though he was still weak. She suspected it was only weak in spirit, for she had seen just as severe of wounds hardly phase him. It had been near a year he had laid around, not feeling like traveling or working. And though she accepted a year was nothing to an elf, it made her realize even more harshly, that in mind and attitude, she was human. There was not enough elven blood in her to purge the human desire for all things now.
Journal Entry 222He said Illmatar will no longer be able to help me, soon. He said, she is dying and that the spot on my back will grow, become unbearable to live with.
I keep waiting, waiting for the right time, the right people. There is no such thing. I try so hard to practice patience, to not rush into something foolishly, but now I'm being told, I can't wait. I can't plan, it is now, or never.
My dreams, my visions are getting more severe. And I don't just mean for me. The other day, as I was in Oscura, another vision came, the devils, their wenches, poor Lilia, on the alter, a balor standing over her, ready to end her life. Lava flowed around me as I watched. The sulfur was so thick in the air, I near threw up. And merely ten feet from me, stood Sabre and Pavel. Them both glimpsing into the vision I've had for years. When it was over, I saw the confusion and pity in their eyes. For them, it was just a nasty illusion. They are not connected to that woman on the altar. They do not share a link with her, and when she suffers, they do not feel it. I do. This has to end now.
Aelhaearn is not well and I can't fix him. My heart breaks to see his spirit so weakened. Keira, she is gone again, no word why, or when she will be back. I still see Maya, though I worry on what she will see, and if she will still accept me as family afterwards. Jerr, I need Jerr. I can always find him, look for a crowd of women, and Jerr will be there. Aelthas, I love and trust him, but he is too young. I know he is man, but he will forever be my son, and I will forever try to protect him and not ask him to risk his life for his foolish aunt. Lilin has the twins and I've not seen her in forever. Nyda, she would come running in a heartbeat, and so many letters I've wrote her then trashed. One day I'll have to send one. And only the gods know where Sy'wyn is.
So, of my list of people I would put my life in their hands, Jerr seems to be the only one that I could find now, and not worry about the consequenses. I do not know if he and I can do it alone. But we can not wait either. I'm so confused.
The other day, Zanetar walked by me, as I stood in the shadows of Oscura, just watching people pass, and I near asked him for help. I near reach out, and asked him to help me. As I lifted my hand, it brushing the edge of his armor, I wondered, how desperate am I?
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_Aelhaearn is actually sleeping. He must be tired, or frustrated. Maybe could not clear his mind enough for reverie. I don't know. I should ask him when he wakes. Though watching him sleep is amusing. He makes little faces, smiles sometimes. Whispers things. Odd things. Things that make me wonder, is that what he really wants from me? It's cute.
Despite his cuteness, I have to admit to myself atleast, he made me sad. Not that he has done that often, so the feeling of hurt is a bit exagerated. I hate feeling like this, knowing I'm being dramatic, and yet, unable to shake the feeling.
I don't think he actually wants to marry me. (Likely just me being dramatic.) He doesn't seem excited, has told no one. (Not me being dramatic, he said that himself.) That stung.
I've been proposed to by a dozen different men, even agreed to marry a couple of them, knowing I did not want to. And each time, I hid my engagement. Though, the men were quick and proud to say they were to be my husband. It is strange to have the role reversed. Me wanting to tell all, and him not telling any. I don't know, I guess I deserve this.
I hate this self pity I have going on. Poor me, a man has not fallen at my feet and proclaiming his love as loud and annoyingly as he can. I mean, if he did, I would not respect him. But, its hard not to expect that when… when it is what you have grown accustom to.
I need to be slapped. I need some sense knocked into me. I miss Keira. I whole heartedly miss her. She would correct me. She would make me feel normal again. I need her by my side, in my bed. I need her warmth, her calm. I need to touch her, knowing she hates it and wants it at the same time. To hurt her and rebuild her, all depending on the mood we are in.
I just need to be sandwiched between her, and Ael and maybe even Lilin. Feel warm and protected as they all wrap about me.
No, I need to just stop bitching to myself..._
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She woke up and began to plead. She begged, looking to the sky, as if she asked hard and honestly enough, an answer would come and the pain would subside. She whispered to her Lord to not put her through this. And though the pain was not that great, it felt as if a thousand bugs were crawling just below the surface. Orle'an's touch had healed her, but it was only briefly. The relief of his touch had faded, leaving her near desperate when the dreams started that night.
He came again. I think. It could be just another dream. Though, I swear I saw him circling the sky when I was speaking to Thorn. And like last time, I grew dizzy, sick, barely able to stand. I managed to stagger my way home, fall upon my bed.. and wake to him standing at the foot of it. He says he does not trust me, but he needs me. Heh.. that is what every man says. Though his need is different. He needs me to get to her. Who she is, I know not. He did not tell me her name. I see her in my dreams; calm and peaceful. Beautiful. But like most things, in the end, she is a just a twisted mess of pain and suffering, engulfed by flames.
He says the pain in my back is from her. That she has watched over the Sisterhood since it was started. That she is fasinated by the work we have done, yet we are still shunned for. He says that she would not hurt me intentionally, that she was just trying to get my attention when she touched me, but something went wrong. He can't find her, can't track her, can't sense anything about her any more. But I can. I am the link, and though he loathes to use me… he will.
He said I had to stop fighting the dreams and look into them. Face them.. watch her burn with my eyes wide open and see what I can discover. Easier said than done, especially when you know how things will turn out anyways.
I can not live like this for much longer, the crawling of my skin is near maddening at times...
{Another paragraph is wrote out, then smeared away, just leaving a thick ink filled spot upon the page.}_
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{Compared to the pages prior, this one seems to have been wrote by a rather shaky hand.}
I saw an angel. I think. In a dream. Or maybe it was real. I don't know. I really don't know. Something is wrong… something is badly wrong. I've never been this scatter brained.. I don't know reality from a dream. Something is really wrong.
I was coming back from Norwick, after visiting Aelhearn... and Lucid's office. I remember walking out of the Great Hall and seeing something overhead. I thought it was a man, winged. His wings a pure, shimmering white, nearly blinding. I remember asking Clandra if she saw him. Pretty sure it was Clandra I saw, though I've not seen her in years, so maybe I just dreamed her up too. And her replying she has yet to sleep with a demon. I don't really remember why she told me that... but she did. I think. Anyways... I was making my way home, towards the Sisterhood.. when -he- landed beside me.
He was absolutely beautiful; tall and bare chested with pearly white wings folded neatly against his back. He was nearly perfect except for a strange scar like mark on his cheek, though it glowed an unnatural golden color. He also held a glowing great sword up against his shoulder, it easily as tall as me. And he knew my name, asking me if I needed help. Which, honestly confused me. Made me wonder if I was in some sort of danger, since it is not everyday a winged man desends from the sky to merely say hello. I remember asking his name, and then asking if he was from around Narfell, to which he merely laughed. A musical, enchanting laugh. I did not know what else to say to him.
I do not know if it was him or me that brought up the question of whether I was dreaming or not about his presence... I remember him reaching out, his hand on my arm, then him going through the motion of pinching me, yet there was no pain. Then there was blackness, the world spinning around me. I just felt so sick, as if I might pass out. And then he was gone. If he was really there. I think he was. I just know I sat outside the Kelemvorite temple for what felt like hours, trying to steady myself before moving on towards home. I am pretty sure I would not have just stopped there to take a nap, so this can't be a dream. But then again, it is too surreal to be true.
Perhaps it is merely a mage messing with my mind. I can not say for sure. Maybe I should not be left alone for a while. No, that makes me sound too needy.
I'm just scared._
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_Her scream echoed throughout the small room, as the slumbering elf beside her leaped out of bed grabbing his bow.
"What is it?!" He croaked out, the beating of his heart so hard in his chest, she could hear it five feet away.
"I.. I… it was.. just a dream.. I think." She said, covering her eyes, lying back down in the bed.
He could only stand staring at her in the darkened room as the pitter-patter of feet began to make its way down the hall. "I'm fine Keira, go back to bed..." Nicahh called out. She heard the elf stand at her door a moment longer before slowly turning and making her way back down the hall.
"Nicahh, you scared the hells out of me." The large elf grumbled before sliding back into bed, him still holding his bow as he pulled the blanket over himself with his free hand.
"Aelhaearn?"
"Yes, love?"
"Will you put your bow away, and rub my back?"
He gave her a slightly confused look, and then smiled sheepishly, a faint blush coming to his cheeks as he noticed the finely crafted long bow still in his hand.
“Of course, love…” He whispered sliding the bow away, then lightly running his hands across her scarred skin.
This pain in my back is not getting better. Actually, it is getting worst. But, I think that is all in my head; a never-ending itch. No matter how much it is scratched, no matter how busy I am… I can’t forget about it. My skin feels tight over my back and nearly crawling at times. I seriously think I’m losing my mind.
And to make matters worst, I keep having this dream, over and over and over. Vivid green eyes on a face I do not know, watching me, staring at me. It is strangely comforting, though I do not understand why. But like most comforts in life, it is short lived and I see this face, twisted in pain, flames engulfing it. And I can do nothing to help. I’ve woke up half the house screaming over the past few nights, but I cannot help it. I see her, and I know what is about to happen, yet I cannot wake myself, I can not close my eyes, and not feel this wave of complete dread wash over me.
Something is wrong, something is seriously wrong with me…_
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_The back of his hand connected with her cheek; the slap echoing throughout the room. It felt as if her face would explode. Then he did it again, and again, and again. Between the slaps she felt Zanetar shift, uncomfortable watching Lord Gedder take out his frustration on the red head. But they all knew, he was slapping her more in a test for Zanetar, than for punishing Nicahh. Yes, she had fucked up, but only because she had followed Zanetar's foolish orders.
So in response, newly awaken from the dead, she sat on her knees as the generally calm, well spoken older gentleman struck her over and over. Her lover, standing by, watching. Not daring to interfer. He knew his place, and knew it well. No woman, no mother of his only child, no companion of his heart and bed, would move him from that spot. Lord Gedder could have beat her to death before his very eyes, and he still would have stood there, watching._
I have been struck a lot in my life, but truly this last beating had to be the most painful. Zanetar stood behind me as Lord Gedder slapped me over and over. My face is bruised and swollen, and we were clearly instructed I was not to be healed. That my bruises would serve as a reminder of our failures.
I seriously need out of here. I can't handle this anymore. This is becoming more and more like what I just ran from. I am slave, again. I am told, I will gain power and wealth, that through dedication, I grow stronger. It is lies. All lies.
I now have less that I started with. My mind if fuzzy in what is true belief and what has been forced upon me to believe. My child has been taken from me. Five years have passed, and yet, he has not been returned to me. Zanetar says he loves me, wants us to marry, yet never showed up for his own wedding.
The one thing I have carried with me for years, is dying.
Hope._
-
_Her heart leap into her throat as she jumped out of bed, half asleep feet carrying her over to her desk where a short sword lay; it cold to the touch from the night air and the magic that blessed it. A loud grunt echoed in the room as she heard Aelhaearn's elbow make contact with the bed post, him scrambling to grab his bow, the deep sound of his feet chasing her. Down the stairs she dashed, her highly sensative ears having instantly detected from what direction the crashing had come. The orcs must have been attacking is what she thought. Though, it had not stopped her from leaving her room naked, seeking out the sound. Racing down the hall to where the splintered door hung only by a hinge, she slid to a stop across the cold granite flooring. There, upon the floor, head bowed, bloody tears streaming down her cheeks, Maya sat, her looking up helplessly, with a soft appology. "I'm sorry…"
Nicahh gazed around the room, the door splintered, the night stand no more than a pile of shattered wood. Then, there was Maya. The large, beautiful barbarian woman sat on her knees, bloody tears still streaming from her eyes as she tipped her head down, her gaze falling upon the floor.
"Don't be. Nothing that can't be fixed." Nicahh said, stepping into the room, walking over to kneel by Maya, a gentle hand resting on her shoulder.
Aelhaearn, being ever so true to himself, stood looking across Nicahh's bare body for a few moments, eyes studying the scars on her back, the curves of her bust and rear and the way the candle light flickered in her deep blue eyes as she looked back at him, all before he stepped into the room, wrapping one of the furs off Maya's bed around her. He leaned over to kiss her forehead, then whispered that he loved her before leaving the two women to talk.
Maya is hurting. And much like me, when she is affected, when she is in pain, or suffering, a cloud hangs over this house. All the Sisters know I'm not well, all the Sisters tip toe to my room, all the Sisters speak in gentle whispers trying to sooth what ails me. It is no different when Maya is hurt. Though, hers seems to spread beyond the Sisterhood and to the land around. Maybe I am just imagining things, maybe not. Who really knows?
Regardless, she and I spoke about the cloak she had lost, and what a trial this was. A friend, if Maya can still call her that, selfishly holds her cloak back from her. A reminder of her long passed husband, stolen from her own grave, worn by a friend who has no personal attachments to the cloak, just fancies the magic upon it. Insulting. Especially being as the so called friend is so highly regarded, for her good nature, her friendship.
Maya tells herself Ginger earned it. She fought her way up to Sharn, found his treasure fair and square. That may be true, but there are things more vaulable than treasure. And frankly, knowing that she helped to save this land, from this monster, this beast that was bringing death and destruction to all the land, is that not reward enough? Isn't she Phoenix? Isn't it her -job- to defend the area, and give of herself? Treasure or not. I know I was completely wrong about Equinox, and I thought him just a bad egg of the group, but the more I learn of them, the more I see how twisted some of them are… the more confused I grow of why the Sisterhood is looked down upon, and yet they are still honored.
I'm going to see if I can have a cloak made simular to the one the was stolen from Maya so she can trade it to Ginger. Maybe then, Ginger will be kind enough to give Maya her cloak back. Maybe then, Ginger will feel she has been rewarded. She is a fool for not seeing the reward she is risking right now: A friend who would give her life for her, stand by her forever and always, them bonded by this selfless act.
But, then again, it is Ginger._
-
I should have kissed him back. I should have tried to keep kissing him, tried to distract him. Get him to want me, hold me, then put a dagger in his back when he least expected. I do not know if Aelhaearn would have forgiven me for such, but it would have saved the others. He may not forgive me for letting this chance slip by, and people being hurt because of it. I'm fucked either way.
Raver, William, Vidar… and what sounds like... my own nephew, Aelthas, are in Norwick, if the rumors are correct. I -know- Corde controls Norwick. I know Corde wanted Aelthas dead. These are no secrets to me. I just thought he had more respect for me than to hurt my own family. Worst of all.. I let him walk away. I let him leave the temple, leave Oscura, with only a warning. After he told me, he led this army, and that he would not be able to guarantee the safety of my home, my family, I still let him walk away. I am a goddamn fool.
I thought he was my friend, I thought it was the right thing, to give him a chance to leave, and for us to fight on fair ground. I tried to have honor, and not just do whatever it took to get my way. And this is what has happened because of my so called honor. People hurt, people suffering. There is no honor in dealing with his type. There is no hope for him. Yet I held it.
I warned Keira, if she helped him, she was dead to me.
Now I am torn. On one hand, I hold my promise to Jerr, to stay away from the fields, because I have another duty to fulfill. Then, there is my nephew, my friends, suffering and tortured I'm sure. If not dead already. I told Corde I would come for him. And I know he does not want to kill me, but will if that is what it takes. And he will be prepared for me, ask the Lady to watch over him. Just another test, just another failure of mine.
This war was faceless before, just an evil force pushing into our land, our home. Now I see a face. I see their eyes; and they are the most mesmerizing green I've ever imagined._
-
((yay! i'm in one of your entries ^.^ ! anyway, awesome stuff nilla. reading these journals makes the sisterhood that much better.))
-
His hand slid over her belly, resting lightly upon it as he looked up at her with a wide grin.
"Oi… tha's one feisty lil babe 'ere.. Dinno if Oi'd be puttin' up wit alla that, ... I'd be hittin' back, miss Nicahh."
She could only smile at him, a soft chuckle escaping her lips.
"You want me to punch it?" She said, watching his eyes, them growing misty as his hand lingered upon her belly.
"Nay, nay... just sayin' " He said, his words trailing off as the baby once again kicked, her wincing slightly from all the movement.
The baby was not his. But how he cared for her, how he lingered at her side, as if she was the most precious gift in the world, would leave few believing he was not the father. No, the father sat below the surface, lost in his prayers to Bane, while she allied herself with anybody that would turn their hand to her. Locrian loved her. Not because she had spent years toying with his mind and abusing his heart to the point he was near insane; but because he had given her his heart. No questions asked, no strings attached. It was hers. Plain and simple. Just like him.
The gift had been tossed to the side as carelessly as she would have thrown a rag inside her pack. Only using it when she needed it, otherwise, it was just there, weighing her down. He was too soft for her. Not her type at all. He was kind and loving, tried to change her, give her a brighter life on a straight, good path. She was use to abuse, and pain, of which, he offered none outside his begging of her to change. Still, he loved her on, as she looked at him with spite whenever his back was turned. In her current situation, it was nice to have an ignorant barbarian watching her back. Though there were days she felt more; she just couldn't bring herself to admit. She was enjoying his company.
She knew not what he said half the time, only that he rarely shut up, and his speech pattern became somewhat soothing, when he managed to stay calm. Off and on, he would lean close to her every growing belly, singing softly to the unborn Banite that resided inside her. It was instinctual to touch his roughly cut hair, to give him the least bit of affection he craved. He would smile, and then she would feel warmth between them, and smile back, only later remembering to punish him for being able to touch her icy heart.
_I was starving today. Absolutely starving. Craving meat like I had never craved it before. I had vowed I would not touch the stuff, never again feast off the flesh, but the baby wanted it. Every animal looked like the finest morsel and I can’t describe the fight going on in my mind at seeing them as such. Locrian was being such a pain in the ass. He had carried me no less than two bushels of apples to eat, of which, I did not touch a single one. When I finally admitted I wanted meat, he went all the way to Peltarch, from Norwick, to get me some fresh lion steaks.
What an idiot. Seriously. He could have killed a deer, or a badger, I was hungry enough to eat those… but because I said lion sounded tasty, he traveled the distance.
Goddamn fool. I hate him. I seriously hate him._
-
_She had been singing for four days straight now. She was no bard, nor had she ever thought so much… noise would ever come from her consistantly. The death songs were taking forever to learn. Not because she could not remember them, but because each had a story that Jerr spared no detail to tell. For brief moments she was regretting her promise to learn the songs that Jerr had to teach another, or he could not fight upon the battle field and honor Tempus. She would not fight the orcs, she would not fight the giants, or the goblins and bugbears. No, she was to stand back, and wait for the fallen to be collected, then to spend the days after singing of their passing and sacrifices.
The idea bored her to tears until she looked at Jerr. It was seeing the joy in his eyes of teaching, and of having Nicahh back in his life that spurred her on. It was the love of her family, and accepting their traditions that gave her a newer sense of purpose. She would not be a warrioress during this war, she would be a song bird, and that was more than enough.
Such is the power of love.
"Drink." Aelhaearn whispered, handing her the cool glass of water. It was the end of the day five, as she slipped off the near half a dozen items that were enchanted to make her voice as soft and alluring as possible. Aelhaearn just grinned as she went to say thank you to him, her voice coming out like a frog's croak. "Shut up" she muttered softly as he stood grinning, him slipping out of his armor.
"I said nothing..."
"You did not have to...I could see it in your eyes what you were wanting to say."
"And what is that, my princess?" He said, sliding up to her, his arms slipping about her waist, pulling her against his broad chest.
"Bah.. don't touch me. I can't stay huffy if you touch me."
"Then tell me what I was going to say..." He whispered, leaning over to kiss the edge of her half elven ear, his hands sliding up her back, firm and gentle at the same time.
"I...you...my back..." She whispered back, not for sure what she even meant by those words.
His warm laugh filled the air around them as he leaned back, looking her in the eyes, his twinkling with love and desire, simply watching her tired, yet relaxed face.
"Do I really distract you that much? The heartless Nicahh, so cold and bitter, uncapable of love... fallen to the the touch of a simple wood elf?"
A brief spark flared in her, the desire to say "of course not" played on her lips, but when it came time for her retort, it would not come from her. Her lips parted, her mind wishing to not let him win, yet in his presence her heart always spoke for her.
"Yes."
Such is the power of love._
-
_I am not the woman that first came to this land. I'm not even the same woman I was before Aelhaearn came into my life. How could one man, one simple, sweet, wonderful man, change me so much? He can't be real, truly he is an illusion sent from the gods to confuse me. Nothing this good has occurred in my life, nor have I deserved such. He can't be real. Can't be.
I'm starting to physically ache as his mere absence. At times it seems if we are bonded, and when he fell the other night, I near lost my mind. All I could think was, this was my destiny, to see if I could still walk, still go on in my life, once my soul had been ripped apart. I thought of the promise he made to me, swearing he would always return for me, then I thought of all those, who had said the same thing, so many times before, and so many times I woke alone. Truly, this would be no different I knew. When in my heart of hearts, this spark, this hint of light just kept piercing its ways through the darkness, the bleakness I surround myself in. And when I opened my eyes, he stood beside me. I wanted to make love to him right then and there. I wanted to feel his arms, taste his lips, and let him know I was as dedicated to him, as he is to me. Vow my life, my being, my heart and soul to him.
I do not know why I did not… outside the strange stares Vroka, Raryldor, William and Raver may have given me. But truly, William and Raver could have understood, they are in love. Even Vroka and Finnus could, they have been together forever it seems. Maybe it was Raryldor, and his ever dour look that stopped me. Who knows? Perhaps I had not truly been pushed to my limit, to the point where there is nothing in the world but Aelhaearn and I. But each passing day, a face fades from my memories, and his grows stronger.
The desire to lash out, see if I can hurt him, see if I can bring him pain and if he will stay, prove his love for me, is gone. It was dead before I could even remember to summon such and test him. No, the only tests he and I will face, are ones together. The Maiden, will not be happy. Not that I have been Her avatar for the recent years anyways. But for so long, it felt good to have people tell me She worked through my hands. To feel like maybe I was not in control always, that a goddess could find me so useful She would bless me with such abilities as to make a man a puppet.
Sometimes I think I miss those days. Then I see a mismatched pair of eyes gazing at me, one blue, one green... and I wonder what in the world was I thinking. There is no greater power than what Aelhaearn has gifted to me. I need not a goddess' touch when I have his._
-
_I do not hate Jerr. I needed to say that, some where. I'm just really god damn pissed off right now. Well, not as much as I was when he started fooling around with Keira, and tried to do it behind my back, but enough I'm just not ready to forget it yet.
Need to speak to him, hate to watch people be torn apart, or pushed away. Especially, the only family I have. I just don't have the strength of heart to talk without being seen as pure raw emotions.
I'll pray I find it soon._
-
_The chains of slavery have been slipped back around my neck. I can thank Jerr for that. I do him a favor, I take the title of his wife, to help him, to give him more status in his tribe. His thank you, is to bet me. To bet Lilin… and then to lose.
He lost his challenge against the young Heyokarr tribes man, who now is the new chief. We are his new brides, Lilin and I. Aelhaearn is going to be pissed. I am pissed. And scared. Very scared. Not because I fear a strange man giving me orders, trying to possess me. In reality, it won't happen. But old fears are hard to truly settle, to make go away completely. I swore another man would never own me, made a promise to myself. Refused to marry, refused to bond, refused to give myself to a man completely. That was my personal choice based solely on fear of being owned again.
Over time, love of a man has worn away those fears, but only because I let them go. I've given myself to Aelhaearn, truly given. It is not as horrid as I thought it would be, nor is it like being a slave at all. But, I ramble... this is different. Some man -thinks- he owns me. -Thinks- I am his. Silly. I worry for Lilin. She may do something rash, act physically, get herself hurt. If he comes for us, I'll have to convince her to let me do the talking. Yeah, if I'm in control, if I can only get him to listen to me, we should be fine.
I should find Aelhaearn. I need to find Aelhaearn. Need to be near him right now. Need to feed off his warmth, his compassion. I don't want him scared though, perhaps best to not mention this until I fix it. He likely already knows though, the way rumors spread in this land. Regardless, I need him.
Need him near.
He really should not let me roam around alone.
But he and I should not be alone together either.
Damn._
-
_“Would you kindly hand me my clothes back?”
“No, I don’t think so. Not yet at least.”
“What in the hells are you doing here anyways?” Nicahh said, sitting up, groaning from the slight pain in her back, then looking over to the man who had firmly planted himself on top of her clothing and pack.
“I came back for you. Looked like you needed the help out there.” The hooded man said, motioning toward the mouth of the cave.
“You are telling me…. You rose from the dead… to save my sorry ass? Is that what I just heard?”
“You tell me what you want me to say, it is easier that way, if memory serves me correctly.”
“Fuck you, Rolan.”
“Oh…you are still a bitch.” He said with a merry laugh, leaning back against the cave wall. “Damn… I was starting to miss you. I mean seriously… no one was degrading me, or making me feel stupid. What was I thinking, eh?”
“No one around to call you a pussy for running off on your son, and his mother? For damn shame. Let me get started then…”
“Nicahh… not yet.”
“Then you tell me when the time is right, and I’ll gladly correct you.” She said standing up, her wobbling a bit, but quickly gaining her composure as she approached him. “Now give me my clothes.”
“You’re not ready to leave yet, and I just want a few moments alone with you, grant me that much?”
“Give me my clothes.”
Perhaps it was the wind picking up, or perhaps it was something she had always been able to command, but a icy breath of air washed around them as the last demand left her lips it cold and commanding, leaving him looking a bit surprised and her standing bare assed, kept warm by her pride and stubbornness.
“Sit down, just rest, just a bit longer, you need it.”
Her fist balled up, small sharp nails digging into her own palm, the pain from the shallow cuts coursing up her arm, but not quick or sharp enough to slow the first action that came to mind. His eyes scanned over her bare body, pausing when he saw the fist, her knuckles white. He knew what was coming. She knew what was coming. They simply just looked one another in the eyes as her near cobra like movement brought forth her fist to his face. Now, it was on._
