Musings of the Mad: Taria's Journal
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Some people think I'm mad, crazy, insane..but am I? I don't think so. People say that someone who'se crazy can't know that they are, but how does that make sense? For every other disease, one can't help but know that they possess it, why is insanity different? Does "sanity" truly exist? Can it be, that I am labeled as insane in order for those people to rationalize why my perceptions are different than theirs? Perhaps it is simply my faith, not many believe as I do. Many pray, but how many truly share my views?
It is a simple fact, a priestess without her faith loses everything. Why then can paladins not understand this? It is insulting how many times I am propositioned to "repent" my faith since it is "wrong". What is worse, is when people say that they would honor Umberlee if she changed. A deity will not change for a mortal's sake, no it is a mortal that must change for a deity's sake. A deity is the closest a mortal can comprehend as unchanging, as omnipotent. Omnipotent, all powerful, that is the reason gods are prayed to. Power, pure and simple, is desired by all, and if you have it then you control those who want it. The gods have it, and a priestess is the trader of the gods.
Power, such a simple term that includes everything. What isn't done for power? A warrior trains his body, for any excuse, but at the heart he desires the power. A mage studies their magic, power is tangible then. Even paladins desire power, perhaps they desire it the most. A priest is the only sort of person who deserves power though, true power as it is. Eventually, even the strongest warrior grows old, and the most powerful mage is destroyed, but the gods are unchanging and all powerful; a priestess is granted power only through the gods, a steward rather than owner. If the god wills it, the priestess can do it. That is true power, but likewise if the god is displeased then everything is lost to that priest. In some cases, such as my own, disfavor literally means death.
I find it odd that "I" am the evil one, that "I" am the one who thrives on fear. Without a foe to kill, what use is a paladin? Without evil to smite, they are no better than a beached whale. Myself, I heal the wounded, I have broken curses and removed diseases from people who call me vile, and I even give away most of the gold I earn. How am I evil? How do I promote fear? If killing my enemies is the only answer, then how is a paladin not also evil? Is it any different to bring consequences to those that openly mock my Queen than it is for a person to mock Tyr within a courthouse? I have argued, I've given reason, the only answer that matters though is that I am evil and that they are good.
Perception then, sanity, "good" and "evil" are all labels to alter perception. An evil thing is bad, whether or not it is valid but because someone who is deemed good has decided it was evil. If I were deemed sane and good and believed as I did, would my views hold more merit? Of course, but then that only shows why I am not labeled those things. Since I am evil, and since I am "insane" I am therefore wrong, to be corrected by whoever has deemed themselves "good". Therefore, I am evil, not because I am truly evil, but rather to be labeled as lesser than those who make the labels.
In Umberlee's mercy I trust, and to her wrath I bow.
~Taria, Priestess of the Queen
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Perhaps my mind has finally cracked, but I can't stop the laughter. I should be sad, maybe even weep. I know it will be a long time before I see sunlight, before I feel the spray of the sea, but it just doesn't matter. This place, this horrible prison hardly even seems real. Every day I wake and expect to see something different, exactly what I don't know, but something. Calimshan maybe, I always felt I would return their someday, though I can never put a feeling on why. To die most likely, to let my story come full circle. Maybe to create the next generation of me.
Calimshan works in cycles, always a cycle of poverty, fear, and opulence. The Pasha's rule everything, and the rest of us are merchants or poor. I never knew life beyond that. My mother was a whore, my father I never knew. I never compained though, I was the spoiled one of my friends, I had a mother. Money was something we never had enough of though. No matter how much I stole or how much she worked, our stomachs always grumbled. My mother was a good person I think, she would buy bread for my friends, all orphans that lived in the alley. It never helped her though, she always had bruises on her and coins vanished in the city as fast as water through sand. I was happy though, I had a mother.
I have heard people of Tethyr banter a riddle back and forth, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it make a sound", trying to sound witty and educated. There was a saying we had in Calimshan too, "it doesn't matter how many people are around, no one can hear an orphan cry". I learned this the day I joined my friends fully, the day we all watched my mother gutted in the alley for her breadmoney. We didn't eat that day, I got used to not eating.
I remember the years after that, it didn't get better until Deacon found me. Maybe that is why this cell feels fitting. Freedom, happiness, purpose, those are things of dreams. Misery, hunger, and boredom are reality. I'm home.