3. Keira's Journal

Keira's Journal


  • The lessons are going well. Elspeth says I’m beginning to move like a person, not an animal. She’s a good teacher. Don’t think many learn dance and conversation like this. The way of water, compliant and yielding. It’s not weakness, that flexibility, it’s so like the other techniques to let momentum work and follow it. She says that conversation is no different, people are no different. To flow around them and reform again, to let myself mould to them like a blanket of snow. Elspeth says it has to be more than a mask, more than costume. You have to let them in and feel for what they do, who they are, always open.

    I remember Wren talking, years ago before Noria dragged me away and whipped me. How the Ilmatrian teachings flow from another, always another’s suffering before their own. We learned to build outwards, to view the world as extension of the self, to watch that boundary. To watch that boundary of flesh that the self exists within. The way of water blurs that more. Not just self and a place within the world, but just the world and the self as part of that world, not within that world.

    Briar reminds me of how I was, with Raryldor. He seems so angry, so bitter, so confused. So I don’t turn him away. I try to help him see himself with another’s eyes, to question who he is. Then Elenwyd would take that from him and leave him without guidance. If she finds another teacher, I’d let them have Briar, he’s nothing to me, not worth the time to build into someone useful. Does he remind me of how I was? Was I that difficult, that unconsidering? I don’t think so. Elvadriel saw I could be useful, so did Aspera, so did Elissa, so did Nicahh.

    It’s so different with the necklace. It’s so much clearer. Took it off to go hunting and it was darker without it, more dangerous somehow. It scares her, I felt her bristle inside. The rest of the time, it’s so much easier, like I know what to say, when to smile. L says my smile scares her, unless she can see my teeth. I think I understand. I think it’s that polite smile, the smile for the others, not for me, and yet it could be mine. Elspeth said to practice smiling.

    Long talk with L. Maybe she understands more now. Maybe she sees more in me. Then she talks about comfort and love and it’s meaningless and wrong again. Told her about Hedia, how I see her like me, how I see what I could become, if I let myself go that path. But it’s so repulsive, I couldn’t do what she’s done. I wouldn’t. Just thinking of her, clingy and weak, makes my hands tense up. Told L things about N, too. It shouldn’t matter. L knows I’m hers, anyway. L takes the time to listen, to say things that sound like she cares. She said I couldn’t leave, not without wanting to go back. She’s wrong. I could leave. I don’t love her. I write it, I say it. From thought to word to action, if I let it. L doesn’t believe it. I don’t usually say things like that, it just seemed right to, though, like she wouldn’t mind. She said she wouldn’t tell N. She promised.

    Maya’s angry again. Tried to help her but it’s not going to work. It might delay it, that’s all. No matter how we try, no matter how we take care, children and monsters don’t mix well. It’s just a matter of time before she hurts one of them. Could I stop her, if she attacked me, or N? Not sure. Not armoured and with the axe. Could I slow her down enough? Not sure. Would I try? Would I die again for her?


  • She says that she lied. I can't see why she'd admit that. She said she lied, and that those lied offered easy peace, not false hope. Joy, warmth, family, happiness. Things of weakness. Things that make us vulnerable. Things that blind us to truth. Why did she say she lied? Was what I learned a lie? I can feel her twist inside me, she doesn’t care. She understands passion. Sunlight on fur, hot blood in my mouth, those are good. Happy? Joy? Maybe. If we let ourselves be content. ‘Why not?’ she says, ‘Why not be happy to run and hunt and kill, it’s what you’re made to do. It is you’.

    She’s that certain. The training taught us to question. To bring things back to a core of self. To view things again from that foundation and gradually build up and out again. But I’ve changed. I’m not that old Keira. I’m her as well. We are. I am. What else is there? There is the world and there’s me. But now there is passion there, there is something harder to deny or control than before.

    They’re not the same, they’re my p… inkblot my people. L is so secure at the camp, tolerated, welcomed. I’m sure that they wouldn’t accept me. Why would they?
    It’s confusing. Mixed. Feels good to be with them, part of them. Still questions though, still thoughts watching L, waiting for grey in her hair and weakness before I take her. Can’t move too soon, or I lose. N, too. She knows I’m hers. I know I’m hers, still. Don’t have words to describe it, at her side, bloody, hot, bodies cooling at our feet. It’s good. It’s better than good. It’s like… I don’t know. Is that what they call joy and measure life against? Maybe. Ragnhild’s right then. That is worth fighting for.

    Choice is still there. She praises me as I kill in her service and it’s good. I told Briar not to let others show him his worth. To drive him towards recognizing himself. But what do I do? What am I beyond a tool for her hand? No. I know I’m different. I’m letting her work me. I know what I do, with N. Think she does too. What is it that I do with L? Similar? No. I’m not hers. Told her that, she knows it. She’s N’s too, different but the same. Maybe just a cat thing. Shouldn’t write about this. Should write about me. This is about me.

    They didn’t see. We watched the darkness take those seven children, and they let it happen. They watched and they let it touch them, imagining their own children consumed by shadow. Imagining themselves, maybe, long ago. Knowing that at the right time, the wrong words sound so right and then you’re committed. You act and then the consequences build up to fall on you like a wave, or an avalanche. But they weren’t my people. They were just children, freezing, dying. Nothing new, there.

    But N cares, so I should. She wants me to change, so I should.

    She took the clothes back. Think she was fed up with me asking her to carry all my things, when I change. Gave me a necklace instead, said it would help me more. Three sisters, joined. Family, together. Wearing it, I close my eyes and I see her. I feel her fingers brush my skin as she places it round my neck. I can smell her, wisps of warm yellow and opulent red marbling over the blue of her eyes. Still no words to describe it. She's beau… crossed out. No. She's everything, because I let her be everything to me. I could stop.

    I could.


  • (( i love your character's perspective scio! it was great reading it. hope to be in one of these pages one day ^.^))


  • I can’t do this. I try to help, to understand. I try and reduce the suffering around me. Then they tell me that the Giants don’t matter. That we shouldn’t care for them. That’s not what it said in the temple.

    The books of Ilmater I’ve found are different. They’re not what I was taught back at the order. Similar, but different. They chose what to write, what to teach us. It’s not truth. Maybe none of it was truth. Their books speak of suffering and the spirit and how to endure. We learned that. Their books speak of duty and helping others. Not why. Just to be, to do, is enough. It was a lie. The Ilmatrians don’t want an end to suffering. They recognize its existence, as we did. Their strength is enduring, because the spirit goes on, even if the body dies. Our strength is enduring, because we accept that suffering is inevitable.

    After the engagements, both sides retreat, to heal themselves. We watch them tend their wounded. They watch us. We rally to fight again, they muster. Why don’t they see that we’re so alike? I’ve seen them in Norwick and Jiyyd when they find a body impaled on a pike. It doesn’t make them fear to travel the roads. It makes them want to hunt and punish those responsible. When they find bodies disfigured and used in rituals, they mourn and they say their own words, to right that wrong.

    So why are they so keen to burn the giants? Do they think that it will help end the war? No. Do they think it will make the giants treat Jiyyd easier when they break us? No. Shannon, Grag, Uchi, even Lyte – all clinging to the idea that what’s out there is evil, and so we needn’t care for it. They’re evil, so any action is allowed. No mercy or understanding needed. Grag shouldn’t be a general, he’s big and he’s strong, but command is about people. Lavindo understands that. The scouts understood. All you need is the right people, the right place, the right time.

    War is about people, and there’s little glory in it. Too few in the Legion understand that, they’re too used to winning. Too used to bringing their dead back. Even when a great wizard like Abner falls, they don’t pause to consider what it means. Always surging forwards, to the next victory. They need to fail. They need to lose, to understand what conflict means. They need to lose, to understand what’s at stake. They need to see Jiyyd burn. They need to know that they failed the innocents they used to justify all their lust for violence.

    I don’t understand. We do it, by choice. We kill if we feel like it. That works. I can understand that. Or we don’t – we try and do good. We try to care, because they matter as much as we do. But then, why do we fight? Why kill them? It’s murder as much as anything Syne ever did. I don’t understand how they see it different when he impales a woman in an apartment in the City or Uchi mounts a giant’s head on a pike here at the walls.

    We choose our actions. If we can decide who to kill, who to mutilate, who to eat – then why am I evil? I look inside at her and she tells me I’m right. I am what I am. I do what I choose. If they blind themselves with lies and false judgements, that’s their problem. They should learn their errors. Maybe I should teach them that we are all the same. The world doesn’t care about us, live or die. It doesn’t matter.


  • The change brings me in little circles. Feels more like I was when I first came here, again. The search for truth, the reality of perception. It all comes back to me. There’s only now. There’s only here. No other path, no other way. No day but today.

    Maybe it’ll work, this time. Maybe they’ll see it and believe I’ve changed. I doubt it. But that’s not the point. It doesn’t matter how hard they make it, or how much they refuse to believe I can do good. I can. I will. We’re never in control of destiny, never able to predict that destination. Except I have. There’s nothing left, here, now. Cut loose from those expectations, those duties what is left?

    There’s nothing. I’ve done the weakest thing I could and killed myself. None of it matters now, to me. Gone, blank, void. Not even the Lady would appreciate it. This is all I am, now. A shell, of flesh. They won’t mourn me or even note my passing, when it happens. Like L said, I’m not going to be around forever. No, I’m not. So how do I spend the time I have?

    There’s nothing that matters. Nothing except what I do, now. Elenwyd tells me to learn of Ilmater. There isn’t an elven equivalent. Ilmater. Of all the gods that were taught as wrong, he is most prominent. But, all that I was is what I was taught. What is truth, if it’s not what we’re taught? Sylvain doesn’t understand. He came so close, and then jumped for something familiar. The order didn’t make me evil. That wouldn’t serve anyone’s purposes, especially not to send them out into the world. We make our own suffering. They just started to shape me into someone who’d learn. They expected me to leave the novices, become a scourge. But they died and they left me.

    So I learned anyway. I learned well. Underneath it all was what they really taught me. Natanya’s closer than Sylvain. She understood. I don’t need to know why. I just need to know what to do. Sylvain worries too much about understanding, especially for others, for himself. She says to do something unselfish, maybe help people travel the pass. Help people. It doesn’t matter why. Elenwyd told me, too. Help the poor, the innocent. It doesn’t matter what Shannon and Steelfin and Raryldor think. It doesn’t matter what they see. It doesn’t matter if they do kill me, not if I have changed enough.

    We’re all alone. Maya says that’s an empty heart, speaking. So maybe I can be wrong. Watching the Akanaxans drill and fight, watching the people at the new wall of Jiyyd. They look like they feel something. Maybe they do. Maybe that’s a challenge for me to change. Do something unselfish, act like I care. It’s what we do, not why, that matters. So I do good things, with good people. So I avoid the temple, so I tell the good people about the library, about the altar, about things.

    I see it start to work. Genzir asks me about the defences, how to improve them. I agree to lie with Hedia and she’s happier for it. Good things. I tried Hedia on for a while, silliness with Wolf and it worked. We got the tree back. L said it was creepy, so I shouldn’t do it again, unless I have to. Mecizq suggests conversation with the drow, Natanya says that torturing them is wrong. What they fear is being returned alive after failing. If all we can offer them is a merciful death rather than one full of suffering, surely there’s something to work with.

    Something to work with, a tool, a lever. Useless without hands to work it, hands to wield it, someone to use it. Useless. Why did I let myself be that angry, that desperate? They told me for so long that I was irredeemable. Now I actually believe it. So now, I’m free. No more struggling against that. I’m free of it. Cut loose.

    The drow killed me without caring. Just in the wrong place, the wrong time. They killed me because I was useless to them, insignificant. We’re all that insignificant unless we make it different. It’s what we do that matters, not why. So I’m going to stop the drow. Stop them attacking us like we don’t matter. I’m going to show them how misplaced their arrogance is. I’m going to show them that they can be hurt, too. I just need a little bit of help. I need the blind focus of Shannon, Steelfin, Raryldor, Sinu and the others. We can’t destroy them utterly, but we can help them to do it to themselves. Precision, not power. Rhythm.

    Saw demons up close again in the Rawlins. Makes her twist inside me, wanting to rip them apart even after they’ve fallen. Killing them is good. If they’re a perfect embodiment of destruction, chaos and evil, why not kill them? It’s good to kill them. Good to kill the undead in the crypts. Jerr says he’ll wade through a sea of bodies to end the people responsible for doing that to his ancestors. There’s commitment, devotion. If I can’t serve a god, then why not serve a task?

    Looking back, maybe there is something to repent, something to atone for. It felt right at the time. It felt good. Looking back, I shouldn’t have done it. I was angry and foolish and I did something wrong. But that past is gone, now.

    We only move forward from where we are.


  • She wants me. She wants me to change, because she’s selfish. She wants me. She wants me and she has done for a long time, just didn’t want to say it, for fear I’d leave her. She wants me. She wants me to change, now, because she’s scared that I’ll change her. She wants me. She wants me to be happy, to be free. She wants me. She wants me to enjoy life more. She wants me. She wants me to stop praying to the Lady, to the Maiden. She wants me.

    She wants me to change.

    I don’t think I can change, not now. She twists and burns inside me, itching to destroy and hurt and wipe the faces from everyone that tells me I’m wrong. What would I do without her? I asked N that and she turned it aside, asking me what she gave me. I think I told her the truth. Not sure if she liked it. She says she wouldn’t get rid of me, even if I don’t change. Think I’ve seen her leave too many behind to believe that. She used to say I was perfect as I was. I haven’t changed. She has changed to see me differently. I don’t need to change.

    I don’t need to change.

    But now, she asks. She tells me she wants me to try, or not. She wants me to. She wants me. I’ve told her I’m hers for so long, and she still has trouble believing it. She waits so long, until I've done so many things I should regret. Do I believe it? As long as I live, and as long as she wants me. Could swear to that, in court. But if I believe that’s true, how can I not try to change, if she wants me to? She hit me, trying to get my attention with such a feeble blow. Nothing like Jerr or Sy’wyn. Nothing like she used to be. She wanted to stop me leaving, thought I’d run. Thought I’d do something I’d regret.

    So I hit her, no claws, nothing low, just a straight jab to the jaw. Beautiful. Like pulling a lever and she’s back again. Could see her bristle, itching for a fight and she’s back again. Still she tries to hold it in, not wanting to hurt me, maybe. She should know better by now, so I let her hit me for a while before stopping it. She cares, it’s obvious from the way she places her fists, her feet. The way she smells, when she’s bloody. She doesn’t need to show me often, but when she does, she’s - I don’t know.

    I want to change.

    Maybe I can’t any more. There’s things I need to do. Maybe a little bit of change will help get them done. I need the paladins, if I have to fight the drow. I need some disposable, honourable people to plug the gaps while we do what’s needed. If I can just get away from this talk of being tainted, they might listen better. She says I should enjoy things more. Maybe I should try. Looks like this is all I have left. It’s not truth, that loyalty is rewarded. It’s just what people want us to think, to keep us in order. So, maybe it’s time to change. It’ll make our work easier. That’s why. She still burns, inside to feel whipped that way, but we’re not beasts to be driven. We choose. I choose.

    She wants to see change. I can show her that.


  • couple of pages ripped out

    I'm not supposed to write about it. That's fair. Understandable that they watch, to make sure. I was weak. I died and I was weak. Then I come back and everything's wrong. N's asking me to change now. W shows me that weren't right, weren't for me. Everything's wrong.

    Except maybe it's not. Maybe everything just is, and I'm seeing it wrong because I'm so useless and weak. I should have died, then. Everything since has been a mistake, a bunch of flawed, weak choices to try and please them. But it's too late, now. Can't change any more. It's too late, now. Just have to see where I end it. Salvation through service. Fark it all, fark them all. Especially Sylvain. Everyone goes on to a happy eternity with the Gods they've served faithfully. Maybe I should help them get there. Why not? It's too late now, for me.


  • Sylvain wants to help me. He’s weaker than Elenwyd, still tries to talk to wheedle, to make me question myself more than I do. Think she was wiser, right to give up. He tries though, tries hard. He’s still dangerous, still talks of judgement and execution. Tries to taunt me into doing something, then he can kill without offending his God. He says he reflects on his victims, reflects on why he had to kill them and feels for their loss, the loss of their family. He said he’d be as evil as me if he stuck down an innocent. Maybe I should try to find one for him.

    They threw me out of Mecizq’s knighthood ceremony. Said I tainted it. Said I should come back when Daisy was less busy. Was only there because he said he wanted to help. They didn’t notice me trying to lift their curse. Always comes back to them saying I’m evil, waiting, watching me. Maybe it’s justice. Maybe I should wait, watch them, kill them when they transgress, kill them when I can. Some would get raised, but only if they’re found.

    Jerr asked me if I’d kill for him. Said it was hard for him to ask. Not sure why using people bothers him. He’ll make a bad Chief unless he gets better at it. One of the Featherflights came to Jiyyd, watched me. Think he suspects something, but didn’t say. He said he was more Jerr’s friend than an enemy. Not sure I believe him, paused too long, phrased it too carefully. Their honor only lasts as long as they want to extend it. Even their hospitality allows them to kill guests and not allow retaliation. I could have been part of that tribe, if I’d married Jerr.

    W likes me, likes to watch me kill. Already she feels closer than Hedia’s clinging, desperate attempts at affection. W just is, giving herself to dice, to whatever passes. Interesting to watch her gamble, watch her decide whether she will do something. If she’ll do it, she rolls; but the responsibility, the choice? That’s Tymora’s will and her action in fulfilment. She just offers herself in potential. She seems a lot like me. Not sure if that’s a good thing.

    They got rid of me. After the years of good work with no questions, they got rid of me. It’ll be a long time before I tell Sylvain about those things. No need for them to get back to Mariston. Feels odd, without the other scouts around. Killing people isn’t the same without them. No point to it. Except when she’s hungry and clawing inside me, then it’s still good. Every time like the first. I thought it would get dull but no, still fresh. Should be able to help with the orcs near Jiyyd, lots of them. Should be interesting to watch them fall on each other. I’d have liked to see Aghila trying to find out why they got rid of me. Probably tell him I betrayed the city, and he’ll come looking. He’s not careful enough, though. He’ll want to talk, to know why, to be sure it’s true. Maybe it’s why they made him Captain, because he’d care. If he’s wise, he won’t come for me.


  • A curse falls on the Gypsy Camp. They disturbed something bad and it cursed thim with some horrific wasting sickness. Shannon, Natanya, Steelfin, Locrian, William, Maya, Lilly, Serenity, Talgris, and a few others. We hunt for a cure. N worries that she brought Talgris here to get infected, feels responsible and she shouldn't.

    Maybe they'll find the bones, find a cure. I'd miss Lilly if she died, didn't return. She was one of the first people I knew, her and Tontou and Penny and Eluriel. Unfortunate that she dies like this. Worth it, though, if that's what it takes. I'll bear that loss.

    Steelfin caught the curse later, after telling me that I shouldn't help them, because I didn't care. They never understand. Shannon and Natanya bullishly declaring that if Taria went down with the group to the caves, they'd back out. So she left and they might die for what they found there.

    Fighting orcs in Jiyyd, demons in the pass, gnomes and duergar and drow, Shannon stil refuses to heal me. He's still bitter. Asked if he'd raise me, if I died falling in such a battle. He says he'd leave the decision to Torm. Very noble, very correct.

    Maybe Torm will see fit to save him now. Or maybe it is Tyr's justice that the incautious and foolish die as consequence for their actions. To hope for anything is wrong, but I'll pray that the loss of some of my family is enough to weigh against their deaths. If it was me in there, Nicahh, Taria, Pavel - they wouldn't care. They're as bad as they claim we are.

    It's a shame I showed them the library. If Steelfin had been in there before it would have been different. Maybe they'll try to break out again to enjoy a quick death from the archers.


  • But I'm not. I was wrong and stupid and N's going to get rid of me. I know I can still be useful to her, but if she doesn't believe that, I'm gone. Don't want to find someone else.

    I don't know what to do.


  • You're dead to me.

    That's what N said to Jerr. But she went with him and Lilin and Kerrith anyway. I followed to listen and it was so different watching Kerrith again. Still seems as wild as before, and so angry with Jerr. Seems like the tribe has a few problems they need to deal with. And they took being Skald away from him, too. I don't think I can get close enough to watch him for a while.

    She told me to end it, finally. I found him before Kerrith did, to tell him. I don't think he was surprised. Already he's realising I wasn't worth it. If I had been worth it, I could have told her no, run to another, but Jerr wouldn't keep me around for long. Better this way.

    Better for Lilin, too. N goading her, telling her that she and N were just a chapter for Jerr and that I was the new one. Lilin said she knew that, still looks cold to me. She smelled angry too, but wasn't shouting. She thought I'd played her, tricked her. Thought I'd run back to Jerr to spite her, after the challenge. So I told her the truth. Not sure that helped much. She didn't want the truth, she wanted a pretty lie about my loyalty, so she'd feel happier.

    They have no understanding of things like 'Never' or 'Ever'. Everything changes, everything ends. She didn't like the idea that Nicahh might betray her. Couldn't see it. Couldn't see herself changing. She wanted me to lie and I didn't realise. She's family. Shouldn't lie to them, especially if they will shelter me when it goes badly. We talked some more. She's very wise, but she's very driven by what she thinks is true, not what really is. She hasn't tried to look at herself. Noticed that when she was trying to control it initially.

    She doesn't like drinking. Doesn't like not feeling in control. Not like N. Sure she's saying things near me, deliberately. Talking to Seth and Lilin about control, being restrained, helpless. Talking about the feel of someone tracing the lines of her scars. Sure she's doing it to test me, but which way? Maya would say Listen to heart! Is simple. There's only one thing in there. It's very simple. Lilin said that Maya thinks that people are good, inside, so she says that. Maybe because Maya is good, inside.

    Maya's wrong. Lilin's wrong. People aren't good, inside. People just are. Bodies aren't a temple to be defiled by drinking, or cutting. They're just meat, bone and blood. When you strip them down, you don't find a soul, just more meat. I doubt she likes Dentin's leg, though. Interesting. Lilin said the soul is immortal, so her and Corran will be together, she believes in him. She believes in her family, except me, who she won't trust, ever. She'll always doubt, and that alone is worth something. She believes in her Goddess, and that's something else she doesn't understand. She has a goddess touch her daily. I can only watch.

    She called me worthless. Worthless as a bug. Told me to sort myself, and fix what's wrong. Told me to read my journal and change to be what I want to be. What about what I am. What about what N wants me to be? She says to look in a mirror, to see what I hate and then change it.

    It doesn't work.

    Looking with older eyes at the older me, there's nothing there, as it should be. Blankness to observe the world without changing it, to listen, to see without judging and to act, as needed. Nothing there to hate, just an instrument. Jerr called me a beautiful weapon. That's what I'll miss. Being with him, watching him think he cares about me. Sometimes it was so infectious I could taste it and almost believe it myself.

    Looking at myself now is different. I can see her behind my eyes. I can see her waiting. I smile at the mirror and she smiles back, light catching in her eyes. Lilin said - to try to be nicer. Be more pleasant. I look back to the mirror and she still smiles at me. How can I hate that? Does Lilin hate herself when she really looks in a mirror? It'll be hard, I can feel her behind my eyes as I watch N with Seth, tracing his tattoos, listening to the blind rubbish he talks about loving a woman's body for the clothes it's in. Why do they pride themselves in their blindness?

    Be more pleasant, Lilin says. N made a point of taking me to the Sunite merchant in Peltarch. Newer things they have, finer things. Very good blindfolds. She said there's only two people she'd trust. One is Aelhaearn, I could smell him all over my room from that other night. Who's the other? The old Keira would never have said anything, would have waited.

    Be more pleasant she says. It makes me think of N, turning into the panther and wrestling with Lilin. Listening while Maya talked about Jerr. Makes me think of the way Lilin wants attention, on her terms. She wasn't angry that Jerr was making a mistake with me. She wasn't worried that Jerr would take advantage of me. She was angry because she thought I'd tricked her. She was angry because I said I'd trick her if N asked me to. She claimed it would never happen, that people couldn't change like that.

    N knew what was coming for Jerr. That's why she told me to end it. Wanted to make the point that he couldn't take what was hers. Wanted to show him where his betrayal had left him. She used me. Didn't ask what I wanted, just told me what she wanted. She's started to do that more again. Even for that awful dinner. She said she wanted me there. Said she wanted me there, with her.

    I can almost believe it. Almost believe she really cares. Then I remember what she knows about me, what we've done. I remember the times we've fought and the times we've left the other fools behind. If I'm a weapon, that's not a bad thing, depending on who wields it. If I'm her weapon, that's not a bad thing, at all.


  • Jerr lost. He lost because he fought his way, underestimated his opponent, and failed to use his allies to best advantage. Being chief was never about strength in arms. Leading people isn't about who you can fight to stay on top. He lost because he stood alone. Fenmarel would be proud, except that he lost. Tempus would be proud that he fought with honour, except he lost.

    And he lost the wives, too. He should have done more to fight for them. I tried to tell him he needed to fight harder, but he'd rather wallow in the pity of having failed by a careful selection of his old ways. He looked broken, lost. I should have left him to it, let him wither and crumble. That would have been right and just, to force him to reflect on that failure. Lilin watched him, didn't approach. Why should she? She has Corran, Jerr was just a convenience for her, until she found another. N wanted to let him wait, see how things fell around him, after he failed them.

    He's such a fool. People starting to talk about us. Wolf, thinking we're mates. It's not right. It's not. If the new Chief is coming for them, it'll be better to have Jerr believeing. Better to have him thinking he's great, capable, a warrior than to have him crushed and believing he can't help. So I gave him something, just a little hope to turn it around. Lilin watched, didn't approach. Seems cooler now. Colder in the camp. Said nothing at that awful dinner.

    We laughed. We laughed when we spoke of Hanali and what she might do with me, if I was going to be one of the happy elves. I don't think love makes you happy. Not for long. She wanted me to come. She told Aelhaearn that I was her date, if he didn't show. She wanted me there to watch her with Aelhaearn, maybe. Is that what she wants me to do? Remove him? Maybe she wanted to watch what Locrian did, faced with nice food, waiters and over-fussed food. She wanted me there and I stayed as long as I could. Lilin never said a word to me. Locrian, Corran and Sylvain. That's all.

    She mocks me. Too many people asking me what I want. Maybe I should show them. Get it over with. Get it all over with. But, not if she needs me. Not if that chief comes for her. Then, maybe then.


  • It’s falling apart. Lilin tries to help, tells me that they’ll protect me but… I doubt that. I’ve got to write it down because I don’t understand. She told me I’d changed but I didn’t think I’d changed that much. She asked if I’d have considered marrying him before and… I don’t know. He never asked then, or even looked interested. Sitting here, it’s ridiculous. Why would he want me? Just some marker on his teachings, a monster he’ll recreate in tales for children later on. He’s stubborn and blind and the things he says is me lying is… He’s not right.

    No. don’t want to marry him. Don’t want to see him, even. That’s what I should do, that was the plan but… it’s falling apart. N said I should tell him about Amith, tell him she wouldn’t take it back and then walk away. That was right, why didn’t I do that? It all felt right, picking at his words, listening to him trip over his own honor as the words made it all sound more wrong. He knew I was right, that’s why he was angry. It all worked.

    So he nearly killed me but he stopped. That hurt him more than I could have with my hands. That was good. That felt good. I can still feel his weight on my back, if I pluck it from reverie. It was good. Got to be strong, got to focus. If I lose will and choice, I’m useless to Her. I’d be useless and that’s as good as dead. Lilin said I’d changed, was more agreeable since I changed, that they get inside you.

    If that Priestess talks, I’m as good as dead. She just looked and she knew and she told me. They’ll just kill me, without thinking, I’ve seen Shannon do it. Like it was nothing. Another monster slain. Why don’t they see? She said some things, the priestess, true things. Those I remember and… even though there was no-one around, killing her just wasn’t right. It’s falling apart. If I don’t have will, what am I?

    ‘It will end in blood, as it always does. You’ll never master your own destiny, always following where you’re lead. Though you serve 3 mistresses, I cannot see which you’ll follow when their paths diverge.’

    What did I let in, or out? He beats me and it’s good. When he acts like I’m his it feels right. When Lilin takes me away to hunt, it feels safe, familiar. When I’m with N, it’s right. When the paladins or Mecizq try and drive me towards some thoughts of good, I can feel her twist, bristling inside me to fight them, fight anyone. It’s falling apart and they’ll kill me when I slip. I should just go. I’ll go. I’ll leave all of them, get away. We’re all alone, anyway. I’ll go.

    That’s her door closing. Can’t smell him with her. I can’t go. Not yet. Not while she wants me here. I can’t go and it's falling apart.


  • The witch is dead. Couldn't stop her being cremated. She wasn't important though, to be risked in the open like that. Drow attacks increasing again. I think the people dying made J careless. Too worried over his challenges and what little life he has left. He's becoming reckless, didn't think he'd crack so soon.

    J asked me to marry him. Despite what he promised N. Despite the honor he holds to himself, he eases around his words and lies when he has to. At least he admits that. So we sat and conspired about how to make it work. How I have to make her take back her order that he can’t marry me. Or, he says, we wait until she’s dead. She told me he’s obsessive and I think she’s right. Why would he want me to torture his wife until she releases him from her words? Why is that easier for him than just breaking his word?

    Always words, with J. His words he must keep to, or he makes himself false in a way he doesn’t like to think about. Twisting other’s words, making them take their words back would be acceptable. He’s so close to being a paladin. While he claims to see more and tries to understand it, he’s still very quick to judge. Very stubborn when he makes up his mind. I didn’t want him to leave, so I say yes. I didn’t want him to leave, so when he asks my name I tell him. This is all wrong. N’s not going to like this and he knows it. If he’ll betray this wife, how long before he’ll betray me to someone? He lies when he has to, he says. His soul rests when I’m near, he says. He lies when he has to.

    No, he’s only here for himself, as long as I’m useful to him. Why won’t he admit that to himself?

    He was right. She was angry. Talked about what to say, how to take it back to him. Of course she doesn’t love me, doesn’t want me like she wants A, but she does want me here, with her. She says he only wants me because I’m hers. Not sure if that’s right, but she’s not happy about the challenge, even though it’s pointless. She says that I’m hers and it still feels right. Then she calls me a beast, says it’s good to have a beast at her side that she can command.

    Sylvain said he’d throw a stick for me. J called me a badger. Yuna dreamt of a wolf teaching her. Does it show? Do they know? Need to be more careful, watch them, see how they know, try to feel what I’m doing. Natanya and Thorn saw me hunting, but I don’t think they know. Should be more careful.

    She took me into the tunnels, to find Aelhaearn and the others. I know why Lilin does it. It feels so comfortable, so right. To smell their fear is something I don’t get often as Keira. I’m too familiar to them, too predictable. The look on Gonnar’s face when I ripped the leg off an ettin was good to see. He could kill me, but there’s a spark of uncertainty and something ancient in his head that says that Nicahh’s wolf just bit through something as big as him. That’s good fear. He’s still too reckless. Tried to ride me, and I don’t think that would be good for him.

    It’s a game of trust, of control. I’m her bad wolf. I guard her as best I can, kill for her but am I just a beast at her command? That would be too easy. It still feels comfortable and right when she says it; I’m not sure that’s good for me. No. It feels comfortable and right, for now.


  • I shouldn’t talk to them. Shouldn’t talk to any of them. They only make it harder, confusing me. She’s stronger inside, twisting things I say and do. It feels too easy, too comfortable. It’s not supposed to be easy, it’s supposed to hurt. Spoke to Maya again, she was unhappy because Shannon was curt with her. Her, Natanya, Shannon, all wrapped up with the trouble. It’s got to be linked, somehow. I feel it. All of them, trouble. She’s so simple, so honest. I don’t know how she does that. Saw Jerr watching us, I don’t think he understands. Maya has trouble with Shannon, though and she makes me ask something about Jerr. But it’s not about Jerr.

    Follow your heart! She says. Not argue with self! She says. If you like him, go to him! She says. I can feel her inside, laughing at me. Maya asks if I’m happy to share him with everything else he does, before me. She laughs, inside, twisting the answers around. It’s harder at night. Follow my heart and be cut down by the guards. No. Not here, not yet.

    She made me talk to N. I shouldn’t have. Shouldn’t have spoken, shouldn’t have touched her. I knew it was wrong and I wanted to do it anyway. She hasn’t spoken to me since. She knew it all anyway but I took that and broke it. She always used to play me, but… I did something stupid and wrong and careless. I shouldn’t have touched her. I can feel her laughing, I can feel her just wanting to run out and do something because doing is everything. Being is everything.

    Even this she twists.

    Mecizq approached me, while I was talking to an Easterner, new to the area. He’s from Kara-Tur. Watching his forms against a scarecrow, and his block style shows strong crane influences, but he needs to understand more. Mecizq told him that …

    A couple of pages are ripped out

    Someone’s been reading this. Replacing it where I leave it. I can’t smell anyone else around, but someone’s been here. Not N, unless she’s masking her scent somehow. I’d know if she was in my room. I can almost taste her near me. I write about blotted out and then, it’s gone.

    I let something into my heart, I wanted so badly to change and now he offers another way. Mystra’s way. To remove some suffering from the world. I don’t think I want to change again. She told me I was perfect as I am. She accepts me. It’s wrong to hope for more than that.

    She asked, so I told her. I touched her, because I could. Because I wanted to. She let me do that. I can feel her niggling inside, asking me what else she might let me do to her. She enjoyed it. She enjoyed playing at losing control. I know that she enjoyed it. Maybe she wants me to do something more. She asked why I should care for what another might think and it’s echoed inside. Why care? Why not try, see where it leads.

    I can almost taste her in the air, still. I should never have touched her, never have spoken.

    She made me do it.

    And just when I'm feeling weak, She shows me Laucian. He's gaunt, sleepless, dreaming of the woman with Dianna's eyes. I see Her hand upon him, and I know that my troubles are small. I am Hers, hoping for more would be wrong.


  • He’s back to his old self again. Talking about challenging to be Chief of the Featherflights. Interesting. Maybe he’ll unite the old Nars tribes, and then what? Stripped of their traditional little battles between each other, what will the tribes turn their eyes to? People who mark their honour by fighting will be bored by peace. And if the tribes are united – they will fight. Maybe as hard as these orcs who claim Tempus as their god will fight.

    He says we fight well together. He sings praise to Loviatar, sometimes now, after being hurt. He reminds me of Sy’wyn sometimes. So hard, when needs be. So easy for him to decide that something is necessary. He told me a story about a woman and a man who did something together, something the Tribe didn’t approve of, something that killed another tribesman. The judgement of the Tribe found that she had only chosen poorly, in following the man, but he had done great wrong and was bound in elegant service to the tribe for his action. Just a story, but maybe too close to what happened. Maybe this is all part of the test, part of the punishment. Knowing that, it’s easier to endure.

    He says we fight well together, links it in words to dancing, to physical love. In his eyes, maybe. It’s so much better at night, I can let her move me and that’s what I think he likes. It’s not dancing, not love. I’m incapable of that, they say. I don’t need love. You don’t need love to stand near someone and kill things that threaten them. He said he loves me, but he lies. He just wants to see me near, believe that I choose to be near him.

    He said she loves me, but he lies. He just doesn’t understand what she does, how she works her way around people. She just likes having me around, does what she does so that people see. It’s what she wants them to see. And when we’re alone? When she draws me to her bed again. She knows she doesn’t have to be like that still, not for me. Another test. What she wants is someone there, without conditions, without demands. So few seem to offer her that, it always sours, every time I’ve seen her seem happy. It would be wrong to hope that this one will be different.

    She tests me. And if I fail, and begin to enjoy it, or expect it, or cling, or demand then she’ll cast me aside like all the others. It feels so much worse at night. She’s warm, she smells good.


  • J admitted he's using me. Better to have that understood. A relief. He just wants me for what he thinks he can learn from me. This is good. I watched him die. Old, weak, wheezing at the pains in his chest. Worn out by his little life. That's the strength of the Dragon, of the Nars. Doesn't know when to accept that something is lost. It won't matter. It'll find him in the end.

    I let him beat me for a while. Couldn't resist darting a few blows at the more obvious openings, though. Can't believe he's a warrior sometimes. He overswings unarmed, the big movements of an axeman, rather than the more direct thrusts that would be better. Unwillingness to change, to adapt. Fixed in the old ways. Next time I might tie my hands, make it fairer.

    Maybe the challenger will win. J thought I might raise him, if he died. Such a fool. Was it me, that brought the strain on his heart? Was it time? It doesn't matter. When he's recovered I can try again. She likes to play with him, I can feel her inside me. She's braver, less guarded. Like an itch between my shoulders, straining. She doesn't like the writing. A waste of good hunting time.

    Yuna says she's having visions in reverie. Of wolves, of hunting. A beast teaching her. Is she that wise, to see it? Unsure. Better to let her find out in time. As long as Y doesn't kill her first. We help our Sisters. We help our Sisters along their paths, not driving them down our own. If her path is to the Huntmaster, that's not bad in itself. Just one that Y would have to oppose as one of Selune's. Why did she tell about the dreams?

    Young, stupid, like I was. Like I am. Hoping that someone would understand, maybe guide her. But they shout and try to cast her out. Time to get out change. Hope no-one steals the clothes this time, might hide 2 sets.